Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 16

Sitting Shotgun

One time when I was younger and my family was about to embark on a cross-country road trip, my sister announced that she wanted to sit shotgun.  I thought this was an odd and dangerous thing to want to do, but I didn't press the matter since if the shotgun went off I'd be pretty much guaranteed front seat from then on.  Brothers can be pricks sometimes.

Literal Idioms

Somebody once accused me of taking idioms too literally.  I told him that wasn't a very nice thing to say, as the P.C. term is "Intelligently Handicapped."  I also pointed out to him that just because someone is Intelligently Handicapped doesn't mean that they're illiterate.  Some people are just so intolerant.

Saved by The Bell

One time back in high school, a friend once said to me at the end of class that we had been saved by the bell.  He must have been taking some sort of mind-altering substances, because A) I wasn't aware of any rescue situation that had just occurred and B) I'd never heard of any superheros named "The Bell."  I decided right then and there that if I ever came in contact with any kind of radioactive substances, that the first thing I would ensure I came in contact with afterward would be a bell, so that I could become The Bell.

Run Out Steam

Somebody once told me he had run out of steam.  Not one to abandon my friends in a time of need, I hurried to the kitchen, put the kettle on, and when the water started boiling, I asked him where I should stick the spout.  He looked at me oddly and left the room.  Some people just don't know how to be appreciative.

Rome Was Not Built in a Day

One time, after asking an employee when his assignment would be done, he told me that Rome wasn't built in a day.  I've read many history books, and none of them ever even suggested that Rome had built in a day, so I wasn't really sure what he was talking about.  I was even more confused because we weren't talking about building Rome - or any other ancient European city, for that matter.  In fact, we were talking about building real x-ray goggles that actually let you see through people's clothing, not like those cheap knock-offs you get at joke stores or at the airport.  Some people just don't know how to stay on topic.

Raining Cats and Dogs

Someone once told me that it was raining cats and dogs outside.  I looked out the window, and it looked like it was just water.  I told him as much, but also said that it could be arranged for it to rain cats and dogs, as I had just recently acquired my blimp pilot's license, but I suspected that such action might fall under some sort of animal cruelty laws.  Some people have strange ideas about how to have a good time...

Raincheck

Somebody once told me that he was going to have to take a rain check.  I told him that I was rather offended on several accounts, not least of which was because he seemed to think that I would give him a wet check, but also because he had the audacity to expect me to pay him because he had to cancel our meeting to discuss our plans for building an army of mutated, man-eating mushrooms.  Some people are just always looking for a way to scam you.

Queering the Pitch

One time - after I had foiled his latest nefarious scheme for world domination involving a slinky, a paperclip, and a balloon wrapped in tinfoil and filled with barbecue sauce - my arch-nemesis and Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, accused me of queering the pitch.  I told him that I know he's Evil and all, but that he really shouldn't be so intolerant of homosexuals in sports, and that he needs to stop assuming that because I'm a writer that makes me automatically gay.  Family: you gotta love 'em, but you don't gotta like 'em.

Put a Sock In It

One time at lunch, someone told me to put a sock in it.  So, I bent down, pulled off my sock and - since he hadn't really specified what I was supposed to put the sock in - I put it in his soup.  Apparently he did not mean his soup.  Some people really need to learn to communicate better.

Pulling Your Leg

An ex-girlfriend once accused me of pulling her leg.  I gently pointed out that I'd learned better than to do that, since the last time I'd tried that her prosthetic leg had popped off.  Some women apparently believe that all men lack the capacity to learn from their experiences.