Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 19

Hold Your Horses

An employee once told me that I needed to hold my horses.  I told him that as I do not own any horses, I was unable to hold them, but that was neither here nor there as he was already three days late in delivering to me his report on whether or not the popularity and consumption of Swiss Cheese is affected by changes in the environment including, but not limited to, acid rain levels.  Absolutely NOTHING to do with horses.  Cows, perhaps, but definitely not horses.  Unless, of course, he drank horse milk.  But that's just weird.

Hit the Hay

An old girlfriend from back in college said to me one night that it was time to hit the hay.  I was rather tired, and we were in Boston so there weren't exactly very many farms nearby, but I do try to be spontaneous, so I pulled her out of bed and out to the car (even though it was her idea to do this, she seemed to have changed her mind), threw a couple of shovels in the trunk, and we drove out to Western Mass., found a farm, and started hitting the hay.  Sometimes, I miss the college years.

Hit The Books

Back in college, a friend advised me that if I was going to pass our history test, I was going to really need to hit the books.  I thought this was strange advice, but I decided it was worth a try.  For extra measure, I used a baseball bat.  I still flunked the test.  Some people don't make very good friends.

High on the Hog

A friend from high school did very well for himself out in the real world.  At our high school reunion, he described himself as high on the hog.  I'd heard of smoking bacon before, but I hadn't realized that's what they meant.  Rich people have very strange vices...

Lost His Head

A friend in college once told me that he'd lost his head at a party on Saturday night.  I looked at him oddly and told him his head was right where it always was, right on top of his neck between his shoulders.  I even held up a mirror for him to prove it.  Some people are so vain that they'll resort to really strange tactics in order to get someone to hold a mirror for them to look into.

Graveyard Shift

Back in college, I got hired for a job at a hotel.  The manager told me that I would be working the graveyard shift.  I thought this was odd, but went along with it, so I really don't understand why they fired me, claiming I never showed up to work.  Oh well, it was a rather boring job anyway, just sitting around a graveyard all night.

Go Out On A Limb

Somebody once told me that I should try going out on a limb every once in a while.  I took his advice, and the effin' limb broke.  I fell twenty feet (hitting many other limbs on the way down) and nearly broke my neck.  I don't like trees anymore.

A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush

A girl I went to college with once told me that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  I told her that while it really wasn't any of my business, and I try to be open-minded about other people's kinks, I just couldn't see how that would be enjoyable (even, or especially, if it was a humming bird), not to mention that it's rather sick to do that to a helpless bird.  There is a such thing as having too much of a love for animals...

Give Him The Slip

Back in high school, a friend of mine was being chased by a bully.  After a narrow escape, my friend told me that he had given him, the bully, the slip.  I said to him, "Well, that certainly explains why he was trying to beat you up.  Going around giving women's undergarments to meat-heads like that is just asking for trouble."

Shit-faced

Back in college, a friend told me that he was planning on getting shit-faced that weekend.  I told him that if he was into that kind of thing, that was his own business, but he could count me out, and I certainly didn't want to hear about it, thank you very much.  Some people need to learn how to keep their personal fetishes to themselves...