Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 10

Clip Your Wings

Back when I was a youngin', my father told me that if I didn't start behaving, he was going to clip my wings.  I told him that was a silly threat to make, seeing as if I had wings I'd be able to fly out of reach of him so he wouldn't be able to clip them.  He grounded me for a week.  Some parents aren't very good at being proven wrong.

Clean as a Whistle

Somebody once told me that his apartment was as clean as a whistle.  I told him that couldn't be very clean, since people put their mouths on whistles, and the mouth is supposedly one of the dirtiest areas of the human body.  Some people are just plain messy.

Chickens Come Home to Roost

Somebody once told me that I should be careful what I say, because chickens come home to roost.  I told him that unless the CIA was using chickens for espionage, then I didn't really see how it mattered where they went to roost.  Some people are really overly-paranoid.

Chewing His Cud

One time, when I was younger, my mother told me not to bother my father as he was chewing his cud.  For the life of me, I couldn't understand why he would want to chew on something so disgusting, especially since mom had a perfectly tasty-smelling pot-roast cooking in the oven.  Parents are odd.

Chewing up the Scenery

Back in college, I dated a girl who was involved in the theatrical arts.  One night after a performance, she was complaining to me about one of her co-stars chewing up the scenery.  I told her that while I could see how that may be a good source of fiber, I would think that it would cause rather major digestive issues.  She scowled at me and refused to talk to me for the rest of the night.  Women are strange.

Caught Red Handed

A teacher once told me that she had caught me red handed stealing the cookie from the cookie jar.  I told her that my hands weren't red, they were kinda palish pink.  She put me in detention.  Some people are way too over-sensitive about being color blind.

Those Who Can't Do, Teach

Some people say that those who can't do, teach.  I respectfully disagree.  I say that those who can't do, critique.  Sometimes, the two categories of teaching and critiquing overlap (after all, a large part of the job of a teacher is to critique).  I suspect the confusion over this slight distinction is how the more popular saying originated.  However, in my experience there are far more critics in the world who "can't do" and therefore critique, than there are teachers who "can't do" and therefore teach.

Catch More Flies With Honey Than With Vinegar

Somebody once told me that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.  I try to be open-minded as much as possible, but I couldn't help but telling him how disgusting that was, seeing as even with honey it wouldn't change the fact that you'd be eating a bug that eats poop.  Some people have very odd tastes for food.

Don't Cast the First Stone

Somebody once told me that you should never cast the first stone.  I decided to take his advice, and ended up getting a concussion when someone threw a rock at my head in a fight the next week.  Sometimes, you SHOULD cast the first stone.

Carry the Ball

Back in college, some friends of mine were organizing a winter skiing trip.  When I asked who was in charge of organizing the trip, I was told that Kathy was carrying the ball.  I told the person who told me this that bringing a ball on a skiing trip could be potentially dangerous, especially when a klutz like myself is involved, and that really didn't have anything to do with my question.  Nobody from that group ever told me about any other skiing trips after that.  Some people aren't very good at safety.