Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 6
June 8, 2011
Eyes in the Back of Their Head
Somebody once told me that his teacher had eyes in the back of her head. I told him that was awesome and that he should report that to the National Enquirer or, at the very least, the FBI so that they could know one of their Area 51 captives seems to have escaped. He told me I was being stupid and walked away. Some people would rather live in denial than accept the existence of extra-terrestrials in the classroom.
June 3, 2011
Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining
Somebody once told me that every cloud has a silver lining. I told him that was redonkulous, seeing as if it were true then 1) there would be a lot more plane accidents, B) people would be getting killed all the time from the silver falling out of the sky (not to mention all the planes falling out of the sky...), and III) everyone who wasn't killed by the plane crashes and falling silver would be super-uber rich from all of the extra silver in the world. Some people don't understand the concept of gravity.
June 2, 2011
Egg On Your Face
My Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, once told me that he looks forward to the day when I will finally have egg on my face. I suspect he's still harboring a grudge about the time I hacked into his Evil Genius Group web account and changed his profile picture to a picture from when we were infants and he had scrambled eggs all over his face. Some people don't know how to take a joke.
June 1, 2011
Eat Your Words
One time, during a sibling argument, my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that he was going to make me eat my words. I told him that I wasn't sure how words tasted, but I imagined that if you put some Parmesan cheese on them, they wouldn't be too bad. Of course, you'd first have to figure out how to make something intangible tangible, which would be the tricky bit. Kram glared at me hatefully, and stormed away. Some people are very poor losers when it comes to arguments.
May 25, 2011
Eat Your Heart Out
The other day, a friend called me up to complain about how she hadn't gotten the role she wanted in a local play production. She told me that she was really eating her heart out over it. I told her that although that would be a good source of iron, I really wouldn't recommend doing that as she would cease to live. Apparently she took Sunday's episode of "Game of Thrones" WAY too seriously. Some people have a hard time telling the difference between fiction and reality.
May 24, 2011
Eat Your Hat
Somebody once told me that if his team didn't win the baseball game that weekend, he would eat his hat. I told him that he should probably wash his hat before eating it, since I'm sure it would be pretty gross, and sweaty, and quite likely might also have some hair in it. Some people have weird superstitions when it comes to sports.
May 20, 2011
Eating Out of House and Home
A friend of mine recently complained to me that his teenage son is eating him out of house and home. I told him that he really should discourage his son from eating their house, because although I'm sure it's a great source of fiber, there's all sorts of chemicals in the paint, finish, etc. that could be really dangerous to digest. Some parents aren't very good about monitoring their kids' diets.
May 19, 2011
Eat Humble Pie
A friend once told me that my Evil Twin, Kram, could use a bite or two of humble pie. I asked him what region that pie hails from, as I'd never heard of it before. I'd tried apple pie, and pumpkin pie, and even pickled cottage cheese pie, but never tried a humble pie. Some people are very well-versed in the foods of the world.
May 18, 2011
Easy as Rolling off a Log
Somebody once told me that learning how to mold clay was as easy as rolling off a log. I pointed out to him that if he's getting soaked and occasionally attacked by leeches while molding clay, he's doing something wrong. Some people have weird hobbies.
May 16, 2011
Easy as Pie
Back in college, one of my classmates once told me that passing our English class was going to be as easy as pie. I asked him whether he meant easy as eating pie, or making pie, because I had tried to make a pie before and ended up almost burning the house down. Eating pie, however, is rather easy as long as the pie tastes good, but if it tastes bad then it could be very difficult, especially if the baker of the pie is someone you don't want to offend. He looked at me oddly and walked away. Some people get very touchy when it comes to food.
