Mark Sheldon's Blog: Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches, page 5

Pay Through The Nose

One time, after I was mugged in Boston by a gang of people dressed up in spandex butterfly costumes on roller skates, my lawyer told me that he was going to make the creeps who attacked me pay through the nose.  I told him that he should make sure to wear gloves before collecting the money, in that case.  Some lawyers will take any money at all, even if it's been up someone's nose.  Lawyers are odd.

Fighting Tooth and Nail

Somebody once told me that in "Return of the King," Aragorn really came forward and fought tooth and nail.  I'm not really sure what movie or book he read, but it was definitely not the "Return of the King" that I was familiar with, as I certainly did not recall any scenes with Aragorn fighting any sort of tooth or fingernail monsters. If he had, I think the story would have gotten rather silly at that point. Some people just can't keep track of plot lines very well.

Fiddle While Rome Burns

One time, somebody accused me of fiddling while Rome burns because I wouldn't go after my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, and stop his latest scheme to take over Antarctica and build himself an army of Super-Intelligent Pan-Dimensional Penguins. I told this person that: 
1) He really should learn his geography, as Rome is in Italy, not Antarctica; 
  
B) I don't know how to play the fiddle, and in fact I am completely tone-deaf, so if I were to play the fiddle whilst Rome was burning, that would probably only encourage the fire to burn that much more voraciously in an attempt to silence my fiddling;  

and 

III) Thwarting my brother's schemes is a full-time job unto itself and, as far as Kram's Evil Schemes go, Super-Intelligent Pan-Dimensional Penguins really wasn't on the top of my list of threatening creatures. 

Some people just don't know how to sort out their priorities.

Feet of Clay

One time, after I had thwarted his latest nefarious scheme to conquer the Hawaiian Islands and build an army of Mutant Man-Eating Humuhumunukunukuapuaas, my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that one day he would discover my feet of clay and expose them to the world. I told him that he'd better be careful with them if he did, because our mother would NOT be pleased if he broke the clay mold of my feet she'd had made when Kram and I were born. Sometimes, siblings get so caught up in their rivalries that they forget how it affects their parents.

Loaded for Bear

One time as my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, was preparing to embark on one of his nefarious schemes to Take Over The World, he informed me that he was loaded for bear.  I told him that I didn't really see how going bear hunting would help him take over the world.  Especially since if he killed off all the bears, he would have eliminated Stephen Colbert's only fear, which would certainly help Mr. Colbert gain more confidence to take over the world, but really wouldn't help Kram that much and would just give Kram more opposition for the position of World Leader. Some people get so attached to celebrities they admire that they forget about their own ambitions.

Beat Around the Bush

A co-worker once told me that he doesn't like to beat around the bush.  I told him that whether or not he and his wife were into S&M wasn't really any of my business, and that I didn't really need that info.  Some people are WAY too candid about their sex lives.

Feeling Your Oats

An ex-girlfriend once told me that she was so happy that she was feeling her oats.  I told her that I hoped she had washed her hands first.  Some people never learn not to play with their food.

Party Pooper

One time, after I had thwarted my Evil Twin's nefarious scheme to conquer Australia and build an army of Zombie Koala Bears, Kram told me that I can be a real party pooper. I told him that was totally uncalled for, as I hadn't done that since we were three, and at that age I could hardly be held accountable for such things.  Some siblings have an annoying habit of bringing up the embarrassing past.

Feather in Your Cap

Somebody once told me that graduating from college would be a real feather in my cap.  Therefore, I was quite disappointed when, instead of feathers, we all got stupid little tassels.  I suppose that tassels are more politically correct, as feathers would probably rile up the animal activists, but feathers would be way cooler.  Some people can be real spoil sports.

Fat Cat

Somebody once told me that his girlfriend's father was a real fat cat.  I pointedly told him that bestiality is illegal in most countries in this day and age, and that if he's dating a cat, then the obesity of her father really is the lesser of the issues at hand.  Some people have very perverse desires.