Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 18

Why Does My Wife Expect Me to Read Her Mind?

Recently, we tackled “How to read your wife’s mind.” This time, we tackle the question of why your wife might expect you to read her mind in the first place! These articles are part of our ongoing initiative to equip engaged and newlywed couples. Please pass it along to someone who might find it helpful! Or sign up to receive these research-based weekly tips yourself.

Why does my wife or girlfriend expect me to know what she’s thinking? This is the question asked by many a puzzled or frustrated man in our interviews over the years. 

You got her jewelry for her birthday when what she really wanted was a movie night out with her friends. She wanted you to take the kids to the playground on Saturday morning so she could sleep in after a hard week at the hospital, but never actually told you so. She really, really wanted you home early for dinner but you took a late meeting because you didn’t know it mattered.

So now she is sad and you’re frustrated. Why does she not just tell you certain things? Why does she expect you to read her mind? If you’ve been puzzled (or irritated) by those questions, read on. After 18 years of research with more than 20,000 women, including multiple nationally-representative surveys, we have identified four crucial truths that will help you understand this—and what to do about it.

Truth #1: She has a vulnerability inside that you may not be aware of

This may surprise you, but your wife or girlfriend almost certainly doesn’t “expect” you to actually read her mind. However, she probably does expect you to notice when something is wrong and press into it. And on a day-to-day basis, she probably does expect that you will pay enough attention to her to find out what she’s thinking, what matters to her, what is going on in her heart. So before we go any further, we need to explain why that is.

One of the biggest surprises for many men when they read our book For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Womenis that even the most confident and competent woman—that amazing woman you’re dating or married to—has a subconscious question about whether she is loved and loveable. Under the surface, she’s asking things like: “Does he really care enough about me to want to know me?” “Am I worth being noticed and known?” “Does he still love me?”

It might sound funny to you because you adore your wife. But if she’s like 82% of women, those questions are very likely the hidden cry of her heart. 

While you were dating, you may not have overtly realized it, but you were probably doing everything you could to answer those questions well every day. You were trying to make her feel special, known and loved. You called her and asked how her day went. You listened when she got emotional about the baby in the NICU ward that her team couldn’t save. You noticed when she seemed a bit quiet after you arrived late for dinner, and pressed in to ask, “What’s wrong?” All those things say “You are special. You are known. You are loved.”

But if you are goal-oriented, after the wedding you may have thought, Ok, deal done! and stopped sending that “you are known” message every day. Instead of noticing something and pressing in to figure it out, you may have begun to mentally shrug and think to yourself, I don’t know what is going on, but I guess she’ll tell me if it’s something I need to know. In the meantime, I’m sure I can pull something from the freezer for dinner . . .  

In other words, without ever realizing it, you may have stopped meeting one of her deepest needs. 

Which brings us to the most foundational reason she wants you to read her mind. 

Truth #2: When you seek out what matters to her, without being told, you are signaling how much you love her

Because your wife or girlfriend probably has that inner vulnerability, she may be longing for you to seek out what matters to her as a way of soothing that vulnerability. When she doesn’t tell you something, it may be because—subconsciously or consciously—she is hoping you will care enough about her to figure it out. (Will he notice I had such a hard week and ask if he could take the kids and let me sleep in? Or Will he notice I’ve been a bit sad lately and ask what would cheer me up, like a girls’ night out?)

This may seem like playing games. It may seem like “she’s testing me.” All of which may drive you nuts. But that’s not what is going on. Because it is not a game. Down in the deep places, her heart is truly asking, “Does he really care enough about me to want to know me?” 

After all, flip the script on this. Do you have an underground vulnerability about whether you are good at those things you do for your wife or girlfriend? Do you ever, subconsciously or consciously, look for signals that she appreciates or admires what you do for her? For example, do you ever mow and tend to the lawn while hoping she will care enough to notice, without being told? (Will she notice that I was out there for three hours in the heat and made everything look nice?) Are you hoping that she will drive back in the driveway and go, “Oh! It looks amazing! Thank you for doing that!” And if she doesn’t, do you ever get a bit frustrated or sad? (And if you are trying to handle this desire in a healthy way, do you ever go looking for the affirmation if she doesn’t naturally give it? Like: “Did you notice anything about the front yard?”)

Is that a game? No. What you are looking for is the exact same thing that your wife or girlfriend is looking for: a message that will speak to the insecurity in your heart. 

Now, we should make clear: It is not your responsibility to “make your wife feel good about herself.” Just as it is not her responsibility to do that for you. That is not what we’re talking about. But it is an opportunity to care for the other person’s heart in a way that will really matter.

Truth #3: When you routinely seek out what matters to her, her vulnerability will arise a lot less often 

There is great news here: Your efforts to discover what matters and “learn” her every day will build a true security under the surface of her heart. Her vulnerability may never fully go away—just as yours may never fully go away—but you can build a sense in her that she really is special and known and loved. After all, 18% of the women on our survey said their husband sent those signals so well, that they truly no longer questioned whether they were loved.

So how do you get there? That leads to our fourth and final truth.

Truth #4: Seeking out what matters to her emotionally, is just as important as providing for the family financially

The most important habit for you to start with is what we covered in the first piece about how to read her mind: Talk with her. Ask her what is going on in her life. Encourage her to process out loud (if she is that sort of person), and then listen. 

It will help if you leave enough energy at the end of the day to do this for your wife—who is, after all, the most important person in your life. You may default to pouring more attention into your job in large part because you assume your wife is secure and your job is not. But now you know: that isn’t necessarily true. 

If you’ve been saving only crumbs of energy and attention for your wife, it is almost certainly not because you don’t love her but because you are thinking, “This shouldn’t be necessary.” After all, you likely feel that one of your primary callings is to provide for your family, financially. As important as that is, it is even more important to pursue the deep need of your wife to be known and loved.

So here’s a starting point: For the next week, listen to and observe your wife or girlfriend as you ask about her day. And send daily signals that you still love her. That will help you to rediscover your delight in pursuing her, continue to “learn” her—and become the provider of the love that matters most.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Why Does My Wife Expect Me to Read Her Mind? How to Read Your Wife’s Mind Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Men and Women Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Sex What I’m Loving Lately—Summer Edition Cheering Dads in the Daily Things

The post Why Does My Wife Expect Me to Read Her Mind? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Read Your Wife’s Mind

This article is part of our ongoing initiative to help engaged and newlywed couples start out right . Please pass it along to someone who might find it helpful! Or sign up to receive these research-based weekly tips yourself.

Guys, there’s a lot going on in your wife’s or girlfriend’s mind—and you can learn to read it.

No, there’s no such thing as actual mind-reading (sorry)—but there is a way to confidently understand what is going on in there, rather than feeling a bit confused or even helpless at times.

As Jeff and I speak at date nights and marriage events, one of the topics that gets the most laughs is also the one that most ends up with a wife elbowing her husband to pay attention—and the men looking very thoughtful. Which is the explanation of some of the differences in the working of the male and female brains, and how a husband can be his wife’s hero and make her feel loved simply by understanding a few scientific truths.

So since we know you want to understand her better, here are three truths that will help.

Truth #1. Your wife’s brain is designed to process a lot at once

Guys, in the minutes before you started reading this article, what were you thinking about? If you’re like most men (about 75%, according to our research) it probably was about one thing. Perhaps you were visualizing how you’re going to handle a difficult work conversation tomorrow morning. Or pondering how recruiting is going for your favorite college football team. Or wondering what you’re going to make for dinner, since it’s your turn.

One. Thing. At. A. Time.

But as you know, the mental landscape of your wife or girlfriend probably looks very different. If she’s like most women (79%, according to our survey of women for For Men Only), there’s a lot of thoughts going on at one time—sort of like multiple windows open on her mental desktop.

So one way to really understand this about your wife (and to admire her multi-tasking ability!) is to turn to her once you’re done reading this article and ask, “Honey, out of curiosity . . . what is in your mind right now? What thoughts are running through your brain?”

Then take note of what she says (“Well, I’m wondering whether I can get an extension on the financial presentation, and whether my boss is going to be irritated, and if I have time to run an errand after dinner, and whether Kayla’s fever is still going to be there tomorrow, and if I should ask Mom to come watch her since she won’t be able to go to daycare . . .”), and realize: this process is going on all the time.

Truth #2. If there’s something going on—there will be multiple thoughts to “read”

The ramification of all the processing going on in the brain of your wife or girlfriend is that if you want to read her mind, you’re not just going to be reading just one thing. This is something that often trips men up when, for example, they try to diagnose “What’s wrong?” (Why is she mad? All I said was it would be better to not fuss about Kayla, since she might be better by morning anyway.)

You may be trying to get to one “root issue” (Is she worried about paying for the doctor if Kayla gets worse?) and need to realize: there are probably several factors swirling around in your wife’s mind. They may be all intertwined. And that leads to a surprisingly simple way to both understand what those things are and to make her feel loved rather than frustrated.

Truth #3. It will help her—and you—if you encourage her to process the swirling thoughts out loud

One of the best ways to approach her with confidence instead of confusion is to not try to magically “read” her mind but to get her to verbally share what is on her mind. And for that to work, you need to remember this truth: although some people (roughly one in four) are exceptions, the way most women process things is very different in two relevant ways from the way most men process things. (Take notes here, guys: it will save you a lot of trouble later!)

First, most female brains are designed to think things through by talking them through—where your brain is likely the opposite. (Most male brains need to process something internally before the man can talk about it.)

Second, your male brain is designed to “compartmentalize” in a way that your wife’s brain likely is not. You are concerned about Kayla’s fever too. But since you need to finish your prep for that difficult work conversation tomorrow morning, you can choose to just think about work and give that your full attention. In fact, you may feel you need to be able to give work your full attention in order to think about it at all! It’s as if you click the X to close the “Kayla fever” window on your mental desktop, and it stops bothering you until you’re ready to turn your attention to that window.

Your wife probably cannot do that. She probably needs to talk through her concern about your daughter’s high fever and all the ramifications of it—both so she can think through what to do and so that she can figure out what action to take to “close” the windows that are most bothering her.

If you try to short-circuit that process (“Listen, we won’t know whether the fever will even be there tomorrow, so just don’t worry about it tonight.”) you have shut down both of these crucial processes for her and made her feel dismissed. (No wonder she was angry, right?)

But if you can encourage her to talk it through without frustration or judgment, and honor what matters for her process, it will make her feel so loved. And it will give you a cruciallook into what is really going on in her mind.For example, you might learn that what is most on her mind and heart is not just that a) Kayla is feeling miserable, but b) she’s needing to be sure that she has childcare so she can get the financial presentation done for her boss, and c) she’s on edge with her Mom, who has said several times that she feels “taken for granted” when she is asked to babysit last minute instead of the night before.

So now you have essentially “read her mind.” You know what is on her mind and heart. You can respond well. (Hint: Listen to her feelings about all of it, rather than just come up with a solution.) And if you want to really be a hero—and figure out what matters most to your wife or girlfriend in these situations—take a look at For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women and ask her to highlight or make notes on what most applies to her.

Then you can start applying it. One. Piece. At. A. Time.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

How to Read Your Wife’s Mind Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Men and Women Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Sex What I’m Loving Lately—Summer Edition Cheering Dads in the Daily Things Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Money

The post How to Read Your Wife’s Mind appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Men and Women

This series has been designed to equip engaged and newlywed couples—and anyone else trying to create a great marriage! Over 18 years of research and 12 nationally-representative studies with more than 40,000 men and women, we’ve identified some of the most simple but essential factors that couples need to know. This is the fifth and final article in the series . Share it with those getting married!

I still remember staring in disbelief at the man across the table, as he answered what I thought was an innocuous question: “What would you be thinking if this was you, in this scene?” I was writing a novel, and one of my main characters was a man. I needed to capture what he would be thinking in a few quite personal scenes, but realized I had no idea what that would be! So on the spur of the moment, as Jeff and I were out to dinner with another couple, I described a scene in the book and asked what the other husband would be thinking in that situation.

He began sharing a few things and I was shocked. So was his wife. “What?!” “You’re kidding!”

I can also remember that man and Jeff looking at each other, confused. “What?” they asked, clearly surprised that we were surprised. “Of course that’s what we would be thinking.”

That one conversation led me to ask the same question to another male friend. Then another. Then I started asking the waiters who served the meals, or the taxi driver who picked me up at the airport. Over and over, I heard similar thoughts and feelings that lived deep inside the hearts of these men, that impacted them every day—and thus their wives or girlfriends every day—that the women in their lives had no idea even existed.

Those conversations started me on a path I could never have imagined. Very soon, I found myself being mentored and guided by Dr. Charles Cowan, the former chief of survey design at the U.S. Census Bureau, to conduct several nationally-representative surveys of men across the country, which informed the book For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men so other women could hear these things and investigate whether they applied to their husbands or boyfriends. Then we conducted a nationally-representative survey of women, for For Men Only, to even things up and uncover what men needed to investigate about their wives or girlfriends.

Then the research expanded. Under Dr. Cowan’s guidance, Jeff and I began studying teens, men and women in the workplace, and married couples. Then we started to explore marriage issues like money, and sex, and other topics like mental health. As I write this, 18 years later, I’ve conducted 12 national studies with more than 40,000 individuals.

And in all that time, I have seen no single issue more crucial to creating thriving marriages and preventing avoidable problems, than understanding the common insecurities and needs that hide down deep in our hearts. Some of these apply to all of us equally across the board (we all need affirmation, for example). But some, statistically, tend to be different between men and women (such as what type of affirmation most touches the heart).

Everything else I’ve written about in this series is important for marriage: the key factors for thriving in communication, money, sex, as well as the power of generous assumptions. But without knowing the hidden things deep in the heart of your spouse, you’ll be building good habits of action without understanding the why. Without really understanding the inner life of this person you are married to.

In other words: You have to truly learn your spouse—and be willing to consider that what matters most to them (or most hurts their feelings) might potentially be quite different than what would matter to you.

Here are three crucial truths to help you get started.

Truth #1: We need to respect the fact that some differences do exist, even if we can’t understand them perfectly

Today, exploring male-female differences can feel problematic. Do differences between men and women even exist? Is gender just a construct? Does acknowledging gender differences risk a slippery slope to implying inequality?

Believe me, I get it. I’m a strongly “girl power”-oriented personality and when I first started learning this stuff, I had all those concerns and more.

But as a researcher I began to see the existence of gender and certain gender differences as like gravity: I may not always like it, or fully understand it, but it just is. And to the degree that certain differences do exist between a husband and wife, working with the differences will help a couple thrive. While refusing to acknowledge the differences because “it shouldn’t be that way” will lead to the relational equivalent of leaping off the roof because gravity “shouldn’t” exist—and ending up in the hospital.

I should point out, it is just as important to acknowledge the clear and obvious “gravity-like” facts that a) many things are not gender-related (for example, on financial matters, men and women are almost equally likely to be spenders and savers, despite the stereotype otherwise), and b) the gender differences that do exist are not universal. In fact, across all our studies, roughly 25% of respondents were exceptions on any given surveyed topic. In other words, around one out of every four people didn’t feel the way that most of their male or female peers did. We must never claim “all men feel X” or “all women think Y” because that is just as untrue and damaging as saying the differences don’t exist to begin with.

We need to use the statistical differences as a starting point for investigating and learning the person we are married to.

So what are some of the most important differences? The next two truths will help you begin the conversation (“Is this true of you?”). If you want to go further, I strongly suggest you read For Women Onlyand For Men Onlytogether and discuss what does and doesn’t apply in your heart and your marriage.

Truth #2: We have different core insecurities—which means different things will hurt our feelings

Early in our marriage, one of the things that most puzzled me (and, if I’m being honest, at times irritated me) was: Why did that make him mad? All I did was ask some “minor” question or rib Jeff a little when we were at a cookout with friends, for example, and suddenly he would shut down.

Similarly, many a man has told me something like this one thirty-something man married 5 years: “She can get upset at something that isn’t a big deal and wants to talk it out when I’m mad and just want to be left alone. Don’t get me wrong: she’s awesome. But when I can’t talk, I can’t talk, you know? And sometimes it feels like she is testing me, and I don’t have a lot of patience for playing games.”

It turns out that what is often running underneath these patterns is anything but “minor” or “not a big deal.” Because a husband and wife frequently have two different sets of core insecurities. These vulnerabilities in our hearts operate like a hidden, raw nerve that we can easily trigger and hurt our spouse—because we didn’t even know it was there!

For women, across all our surveys, the question or insecurity tended to be: “Am I loveable? Am I special? Am I worthy of being loved for who I am on the inside?” And this vulnerability doesn’t go away just because a woman gets married to a great guy. It just morphs to “Does he really love me? Is he glad he married me?”

Here’s an example: Suppose Rachel and Dale get into an emotional conflict, and he gets angry and heads downstairs to his home office. In Rachel, the nerve has been hit. So as Dale disappears from view, his face tight, her gut may be roiling with one question: Are we okay? Dale doesn’t realize that (he’s just trying to cool off, and hoping she’ll cool off) but for Rachel, as for many women, this is a truly uncomfortable, painful feeling. It is not “minor.” It will probably keep roiling until she is reassured.

Thus, it makes all the difference if Dale will say, before he heads downstairs, “I just can’t talk. I’m mad and need some time to cool off. But we’re okay. We’ll talk later.” He has just soothed that raw nerve and sent the message “Yes I really do love you”—which is what her insecurity is subconsciously doubting.

For men, across all our surveys, the question or insecurity was usually not “Am I loveable?” Instead, it tended to be: “Am I able? Do I have what it takes to be a good husband/dad/salesperson? Am I any good at what I do? And this vulnerability doesn’t go away just because he is a great husband or has the best sales numbers in the region. It just morphs to, “Does she think I’m doing okay as a husband or father? Does she look at what I do and say it is good?”

For an example, let’s consider what might have caused the emotional conflict above. Suppose Rachel asks Dale to take their toddlers with him when he goes to the grocery store, since she’s about to hop on a Zoom meeting. When he gets back, she sees them shivering and asks, “Why on earth didn’t you put on their coats!?” In Dale, the nerve has been hit. His gut is roiling with one thought: I’m a total failure. She thinks I’m incompetent as a dad. For Dale, as for many men, her comments aren’t “minor”: even though he may not be able to articulate it, this painful thought is truly where his mind goes.

Which is why he may say something that makes her hidden insecurity worse (“Well, don’t ask me to handle the toddlers next time, since I can’t do anything right”) and the emotional argument unravels from there.

Thus, it makes all the difference if Rachel will realize that she just said something painful and soothe the raw nerve: “I’m sorry. I really appreciate everything you do for the kids—and for me. I was confused and worried, but I shouldn’t have snapped at you. Thanks for taking them.” She has just soothed that raw nerve, and sent the message, “Yes, I really do think you are a good father”—which is what his insecurity is subconsciously doubting.

It is crucial to emphasize that just because men and women tend to feel certain insecurities more acutely, it doesn’t mean that we don’t feel our partner’s insecurities at all! To some degree, we all share the doubts and worries that come with being human. But these are, statistically, those feelings that men and women seem to feel most acutely.

The amazing thing is, though: these vulnerabilities also present an opportunity to care for our spouses well. That is our final truth for today and is the key to unlocking your spouse’s heart.

Truth #3: We have different core needs—which means different things will say “I care”

These raw nerves have a flip side. Just as they can be “hit” and cause pain, they also present an opportunity to make your spouse feel very loved.

Think about something you personally are insecure about. Think about how you would feel if your spouse in some way sent this message: “This thing you’re so insecure about? You don’t have to be. You’re amazing.” There would be a very deep emotional impact, right? You would feel cared for.

As you can imagine, this is our chance to try to build our spouse up in a really powerful way. (Editorial note: this applies to the vast majority of marriages, but not all. Where there is abuse, a spouse could “try” forever and make no headway: they should focus on getting help, instead.)

Thus, because men tend to subconsciously wonder, “Does she think I am any good at what I do?” it is life-giving to him when his wife says simple things like “I’m so proud of you for working so hard for that bonus” and “thank you for helping the kids with their homework.”

And because women tend to subconsciously wonder “Does he really love me?” it is life-giving for her to feel pursued, through simple efforts like when her husband puts his arm around her when they are out at dinner with friends, or texts her during the day to say, “I love you so much. I was just thinking about you.”

We may rightly point out that women need to hear words of appreciation like “thank you,” too! And that men need to hear “I love you.” Absolutely! But what we’ve found is that the impact just isn’t comparable. It often feels really nice . . . where the words and actions that speak to the deep places of the heart feel life-giving. Like water to a thirsty soul.

So let’s be willing to see and respond to the thirsty soul of our spouse. Let’s learn a few things. Let’s lean in and care for them in the way they most need. And then let’s see what happens next. Because hopefully, the results we see will be the best possible incentive to continue—and be encouraged for a lifetime.

Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn are best-selling authors who speak at dozens of Date Nights and Marriage Events each year, conveying lots of practical encouragement with lots of laughs. Email NOwens@shaunti.com to explore what they might bring to your event. They live in Atlanta with their two young adult children. Sign up for Shaunti’s weekly blog (with new research and practical tips) at Shaunti.com.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Men and Women Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Sex What I’m Loving Lately—Summer Edition Cheering Dads in the Daily Things Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Money Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Communication

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Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Sex

In this series, we are equipping those recently married, or just about to be—and everyone else eager to learn the most important factors that will help create a great marriage. After 18 years of research and 12 nationally-representative studies with more than 40,000 men and women, we can say with confidence that many of these factors are far more simple than people realize—we just need to know them! This is the fourth article in the series. Share it with those who are newly married—or just about to be!

When I ask other marriage authors which of their articles get the most attention, guess what topic is always #1? Indeed, my own most popular blogs are about sex as well. (Our top article, by far, is one that tackles a provocative question asked by a reader: “How often do men need sex?”)

So although few people go into marriage expecting issues in the sexual department, we need to recognize that sex is one of the top issues that causes arguments in marriage. Based on many years of nationally-representative surveys—including for our upcoming book Secrets of Sex & Marriage, which I’m co-authoring with Dr. Michael Sytsma, a nationally-respected sex therapist—here are three key tips about intimacy that will help avoid common issues and create a thriving sex life instead.

Tip #1: Work with (not against) the key physiological differences between you

One of the main reasons for hurt feelings and conflict is the simple disconnect of one partner wanting more sex than the other. And yet . . . it turns out that most of the time the issue isn’t that one person “wants more” but that the two partners have two different types of desire—and have no idea that a second type of desire even exists. 

Most people think of desire as being what we see on TV: two people get an “I’m hungry for you” sort of feeling and pursue having sex. But that is just one type of desire, called initiating desire. The second primary type of desire is called receptive desire which is completely different, physiologically. The receptive desire person just doesn’t think about sex as often as an initiating desire person and doesn’t have the desire to pursue sex in quite the same way. In fact, the receptive desire person often decides to have sex and starts feeling that sense of desire a few minutes later! 

Our culture has so overwhelmingly portrayed “desire” as being equivalent to “initiating desire,” that we look at the receptive spouse and think there’s something wrong: “My spouse doesn’t desire me.” “My spouse doesn’t have a high enough sex drive.” “Why do I always have to initiate?” When in fact usually there’s nothing wrong and the person simply has a different physiology.

Thus, to help build a great sex life, understand which of you has which type of desire and work with it rather than expecting it to be different and getting upset that it’s not. For example, realize that a receptive desire spouse often simply has to be approached differently, with overt flirting or anticipation time in advance so they start thinking about and looking forward to hitting the bedroom later. (If you want a bit more information, review the sex chapters in For Women Only and For Men Only, our prior books about understanding the inner lives of men and women. Because Dr. Sytsma has been our advisor on this topic for years, we have already included some exploration of these physiological differences, which are often gender-related.) 

Tip #2: Work with (not against) the key emotional differences between you

Just as we often have different physiology, there are often different emotional factors tied up in our intimate responses to each other—and it makes all the difference in the world if we honor those rather than a) being clueless or b) expecting it to not be that way.

Although there are plenty of exceptions, one particularly important emotional factor around sex is often different among men and among women. As Dr. Sytsma has summarized so well, women tend to think, “We can do that once you touch my heart.” Men tend to think, “You touch my heart by doing that.”

Most men have a deep emotional need to feel desired by their wife. So feeling that “she wants me” often touches a man’s heart in a profound way, including giving him a sense of confidence and well-being in all the other areas of his life—not just in the bedroom! (Women want to feel desired too, of course, but across all our research that feeling appears to impact men more broadly.)

Most women have a deep emotional need to feel pursued outside the bedroom, in order to want to be close inside the bedroom. Even among a wife who is higher desire than her husband, the feeling that “he truly loves me”—conveyed by non-sexual attention and care throughout the day—is often essential for “unlocking” her heart to want intimate connection. (Men want to feel loved outside the bedroom too, of course, but across all our research that feeling appears to be a particularly important “gatekeeper” for women.) 

Tip #3: Learn to talk about sex

Most couples avoid the topic of intimacy, but our research has found it is vital for the best sexual connection. I can’t share all of what we found in the research until the book is published (February 2023), but here’s a sneak peek. In practice, most couples – 73%! – can’t talk about sex well: they avoid it because it is awkward or because they think it won’t get them anywhere. And yet the data overwhelmingly showed it will “get them somewhere” because it is highly correlated with a much more thriving sex life in all sorts of ways. 

The key is knowing what to talk about. So this is where understanding the differences between you is essential. Tension around sex and intimacy is usually not about sex, per se, but about a host of expectations, insecurities, and beliefs about how things “should” work, running under the surface. So get curious and begin exploring those things in conversation. Ask each other questions about what their view of sex was growing up, and how that has changed today. Discuss what matters most, emotionally. Set aside defensiveness. Connecting around this “under the surface” stuff will go far toward helping you get on the same page about everything else. 

(To investigate these three tips a bit more, see our Sex & Conversation Series.)

Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn apply their analytical skills to investigating life-changing truths about relationships. They speak at dozens of date nights and marriage events each year, conveying practical encouragement with lots of laughs. (Email NOwens@shaunti.com to explore what they might bring to your event.) They live in Atlanta with their two young adult children. Sign up for Shaunti’s weekly blog (with new research and practical tips) today!

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What I’m Loving Lately—Summer Edition

Hi Friends,

Happy Summer! I don’t know where you live but Atlanta is in full summer mode and under a “heat dome” so it’s hot—TOO HOT! I thought it would be a good time to share some things I’m loving lately, especially since I’m in the middle of two big projects: my latest research-based book is about to head to production (Releasing February 7, 2023) and I’m beginning to pull together my newest devotional, Find Hope (set to release in the fall of 2023).

Here’s what I’m loving lately:

A Lovely New Devotional: “A Fruitful Life” by Yahaira Ramos

I get sent many books (stacks and stacks!) by new authors asking me to promote their projects, and I often just don’t have enough minutes in the day to read and promote them. But every now and then, an excellent book comes along that I’m in need of right at that moment. I don’t know this author personally, but this devotional is wonderful and is being published next week! The basic premise is about the fruits of the spirit, as the characteristics of God, being made manifest inside of us. As Yahaira Ramos says, “the Spirit of God takes what’s true of God on a character-level and bears out those things in us, so that our character starts looking more and more like His.” This is such a thought-provoking and beautiful devo. You can preorder it here! 

Sitting on my back deck!

We recently took down four large trees that were right in front of our back deck. Because they were old and precarious, I couldn’t sleep whenever there was a storm—I could hear them creaking and would pray they wouldn’t come down on the house! We finally saved up some money to take them all down at once and I am loving having bright sunlight on our deck! I’ve been sitting out there, enjoying the breathing room. I’m also loving that I can sleep at night. (Secretly, I’m also loving that Jeff can no longer say “just don’t think about it” when I’m up at 3am worrying. And Jeff told me to tell you that, yes, in For Men Only, this is exactly the type of thing we tell men NOT to say to their wives… but he’s still learning!) 

Thoughts from Jury Duty

One of the things I’m loving lately is holding my family tight and being so very grateful for the life that God has given me. And so aware of the fact that it is purely a gift in so many ways. For much of the last two weeks I was part of a jury on a murder trial. It was intense and emotional and hard, as we examined complex evidence and worked to try to understand the truth and come to a just verdict. I’ve never gone through anything like that before and candidly I hope I don’t have to again. Although I was willing to do that because it is our civic duty as a citizen of the United States. We are entitled to be presumed innocent until proven guilty, and we are entitled to be tried by a jury of our peers. So it was important… but just so hard. And there has been grief and sadness for the victim and the victim’s family but also sadness for so many people who are making choices that will lead them further and further down a path of pain and self-destruction. Being part of this trial has made me hold my family close and has certainly put things in perspective.

Movies with friends!

We got to see Top Gun Maverick (SO GOOD!) with close friends at a $5/ticket discount theatre—it doesn’t get much better than that! 

Funny TikToksThe first video is in honor of Father’s Day. I love when these informal moments are captured of a dad just being a dad—and the baby imitating his father is just hilarious!

@calenaaa This will forever be my favorite video ���� #foryoupage #fyp ♬ original sound – Lena Jeffries

And the second is for all of you dog lovers out there . . . get a load of this look at end!

@dobbydobbert Bester ever � #leckerli #tiktokvideo #tiktok #labradorretriever #ilovemydog #tiktokdogs #dogsofttiktok #dobby #frauchensliebling ♬ Funny Song – Cavendish Music

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Cheering Dads in the Daily Things

As I’ve interviewed and surveyed tens of thousands of men over the last 18 years, I’ve seen such a common and important pattern: Most men have a deep, abiding desire to do good things—to be a husband who can make his wife happy, or be the type of analyst who can save the company money—yet they secretly doubt themselves. So there is a profound impact on a man’s heart when someone trusts him to do something well . . . and then notices when he does.

And perhaps the most intense example of this is when a man is affirmed as a father.

In this weekly blog, we are in the middle of a series about the most important marriage advice for newlyweds. Technically, today’s piece honors Father’s Day and is not a part of the series . . . yet it really is. Because even among the most newly of wedded couples, who aren’t parents yet, understanding this one fact about men has the potential to breathe life into a marriage for all the years to come. (And yes, men need to know some meaningful secrets about women, too . . . but that’s a different blog!)

Just to state it again, here’s the secret for every woman to know: there is great power in trusting and cheering on your man in the little daily things of life—especially in his little daily actions as a father. As one man told me in an interview, “I think down deep, I just need to hear ‘You’ve done good.’”

Say it out loud

It is easy to notice and appreciate the big things your man does: when he lands the supervisor position on the shop floor or takes “drive the kids to activities” duty for weeks while you’re on a big work deadline.

But all too often we don’t say out loud how much we appreciate our man changing the diaper or taking the kids to the bus stop because he doesn’t want us to have to go out in the rain. All too often we find it hard to trust him when he wants to let our child experience the daily consequences of their choices—being cold because they refused to bring their coat, having to pay late library fees after being reminded to return their books, or being benched from the big game because they slept in and missed too many workouts, etc.

All too often we find it hard to trust our man in all sorts of things, simply because we know he will handle something very differently than we would.

And all too often, we miss something remarkable as a result.

A protective dad

Not long ago, a great “dad incident” went viral in both video and the press. According to a Wall Street Journal piece, Jacob Kingsley is a big Cincinnati Reds fan and wanted to bring his 11-month-old son to his first game. His wife Jordan was extremely nervous (Could the baby be hurt? Could he be hit by a foul ball?) but Jacob promised he would be ultra-vigilant and she agreed because she knew it meant a lot to her husband. Yet she was still twitchy at the game (“Are you watching? Are you watching?”). Suddenly, as Jacob was bottle-feeding the baby in a front carrier, a foul ball flew straight toward them and he thought, ‘OK, this is my time. I gotta step up.” While protecting the baby with his body, and holding the bottle with his left hand, he reached out and grabbed the ball with his right.

If you watch the video, you can see the look of profound horror on his wife’s face as the ball rockets toward them, and then her intense astonishment and pride in what he did. He told the reporter, “My wife was pretty shocked. She was pretty impressed. I think I won some points with her.”

Every man I have shown this video to has said the same thing: having been a hero for his wife probably meant more to this man than she will ever know. One man pointed out: “Did that dad say, ‘I can’t wait for my buddies at work to see this? I can’t wait for the guys I went to high school with to see this?’ No, he said ‘I think my wife was impressed.’ I don’t think women have any idea how much of what we do is in the hope of impressing our wives.”

My husband, Jeff, pointed out something else: “His wife was nervous but she trusted him when he said he would protect the baby. And he didn’t let her down. That’s what every guy wants to do, if given the chance.”

And that, in fact, is what most men—most dads—actually do in thousands upon thousands of little everyday moments. But because those moments are not caught on video, the only way he can be affirmed that he’s “done good” is if someone tells him so. Which requires trusting him and giving him the chance to be a hero to begin with. Now, men aren’t perfect, just as we aren’t perfect, and some will, sadly, be irresponsible and uncaring. But most dads intensely love their kids and work hard to be the dad they need—and the husband their wife needs.

Jacob Kingsley did something amazing and his action got millions of views. But he was just taking the same protective, loving actions millions of other dads do without celebration. At least . . . without celebration from a viral social media post. But we can celebrate them. We can say “thank you.” We can tell them they “done good.” All day. Every day. In the little things that they do simply because they are being an everyday hero called “Dad.”

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Cheering Dads in the Daily Things Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Money Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Communication An Amazing Milestone in Our Family — And For Our Son Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Making a Happy Marriage 10 Encouraging Facts About Marriage You Need to Hear and Share

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Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Money

This series is created for those recently married or just about to be—but it also is for anyone who is curious about some of the crucial success factors for marriage. We have drawn several of the most simple but crucial factors through 18 years of research and 12 nationally-representative studies with more than 40,000 men and women. This is the third article in the series (you can read about stopping negative thinking and about healthy communication). If you have someone in your life who is engaged or newly married, pass it along! If they want to get the articles in the series, they can sign up for our blog.

Tensions and disagreements around money are among the most common frustrations in marriage. The good news is: they don’t have to be! Based on a three-year research study Jeff and I did with thousands of couples, there are several crucial but often-overlooked steps that will make a huge difference in setting yourself up for a truly great relationship around money.

If you are engaged or relatively newly married, consider these steps now and talk to your fiancé or spouse about them so you start off right. Doing so will save you a lot of heartache! And if you’ve been married for years and are still finding yourself with money frustrations, avoidance or simply wishing you could get on the same page, you might want to walk through these as well. Uncovering these factors was transformative for me and Jeff, and I know they can be the same for you!

Step one: Tackle money issues in the right order

The biggest trap for most couples is trying to tackle technical money issues without knowing how to talk about money first, without defensiveness, awkwardness or a desire to avoid needed conversations. There are so many resources to help us with the technical financial stuff—books on budgeting, podcasts on getting out of debt, videos on how to invest, advisors who will help you plan your finances. Yet for the vast majority of couples, they don’t truly use those tools together (or even seek out those tools to begin with) because they are dealing with varying degrees of discomfort with those conversations!

In our nationally-representative surveys for our book Thriving in Love & Money, we discovered that just 23% of couples can talk about money well. The rest of us (77%!) struggle with anything from avoiding money conversations and “coping” around the topic (which is definitely where Jeff and I were!) all the way to full-on conflict and resentment.

There’s nothing wrong with starting out with sincere efforts to put together and follow a budget—that is actually extremely important! But if you see that one or both of you are tempted to get defensive, engage in shame or blame, get frustrated, argue, or simply avoid the whole thing, that is a sign that you should first build the ability to talk about money well—even enjoy it!—and then move forward with the technical financial conversations.

Walking you through how to do this—how to build a great relationship around money—is unpacked in our book. But start with these next few steps!

Step two: When you are having tension around money, remind yourself, “It’s not about the money”

This is the most crucial thing for you to remember during any time of conflict, frustration or emotional interaction around money. When your spouse is confronting you about that “irresponsible” amount you spent on something, or when you’re mad that your spouse is being “selfish” or “too tight with money” (or whatever), tell yourself, “This argument is not about the money.”

It turns out: money tensions are actually about how money makes you feel and how it makes your spouse feel. It’s about a host of expectations, worries or fears running under the surface, that you and/or your spouse may not be able to articulate. But they are there. And that is what we have to understand about one another before we can come together well, break the logjam, and make progress.

Why? Well, when you think tension is about the dollars and cents, the obvious solution is to focus on the dollars and cents: we aren’t earning enough or saving enough. But while that may indeed be part of it, understanding the “real” reason for the money tension is crucial. Because that is what actually needs to be discussed. Let’s describe how that works, next.

Step three: Understand what your spouse is valuing or worrying about, under the surface

Suppose you buy a somewhat pricey gift for your stepmom on her birthday, and your spouse is frustrated because they had discussed with you their desire to cut back on spending. It may seem like the conflict is about the money. But that is not what leads to the emotions. For example, you may be very worried about all the stress your stepmother is under right now at her job and feeling strongly that you need to say “I care” via that restaurant gift card. While your spouse may be so worried about how on earth to make things work with higher gas prices and feeling strongly that you two should spend no extra money until you see how the economy plays out.

If you just keep focusing on the fact that there is $100 on a gift card, and $100 less in the bank account, both of you could easily get frustrated with each other (“Why aren’t you getting this?!”) and dig in your heels.

But if you can step back and focus on what you and your spouse are valuing or worrying about under the surface—the desire to show your stepmom that you care, the deep fear about the future—then you can address the real issues. Which leads to our final step for today.

Step four: Honor what your spouse cares about or worries about, even if you disagree.

Once you can get even a basic sense for the “underneath” stuff that is going on in your spouse’s mind and heart, make the effort to show that you want to honor how they are feeling. Even if you don’t personally feel the same way!

We often simply don’t take this step. Partly because we don’t really “see” the under-the-surface feelings to begin with, but partly because we think that our spouse is just wrong! And surely, we think, acknowledging how they are feeling in that area will only encourage their “wrongness!”

We have to come to grips with a key truth: unless our spouse is dealing with desires or fears that any observer would indeed agree is objectively wrong (like a gambling addiction), what they care about is usually just as legitimate as what we care about. And acknowledging and appreciating that fact is a secret weapon for creating a good relationship around finances.

Using our hypothetical example, imagine how it would make you feel if your spouse came to you and said, “I’m sorry I’ve been upset about you buying that gift card for your stepmother. I know how much you have wanted to improve your relationship with her. I wish you had talked with me about it first, but I really appreciate your heart to try to do something to relieve her stress.” How would that feel? If you are like most people, you would be so appreciative hearing your spouse articulate what is in your heart. It wouldn’t somehow “excuse” you buying the gift card without asking, but it would honor the heart underneath it. It would likely lower your defenses and open up the space for conversation.

Now . . . realize that your spouse will feel the exact same way if you honor what is in their heart. If you were to go to your spouse and say, “I’m sorry that I bought the gift card without checking with you. I know that you’ve been so nervous about whether we will be able to pay our bills now that gas prices are skyrocketing. I still think we don’t have to be so tight on money, but I want you to know that I really do appreciate your desire to protect the family, financially.” How do you think that will make your spouse feel? If they are like most people, they will be so touched to hear you honor them. It wouldn’t somehow “give them permission” to be even more of a tightwad next time, but it will lower their defenses and open up the space for conversation.

See how this works? As you learn to talk about money, focus on the heart of your spouse, not just the technical money issue, and you will be doing something that is far more important than just solving financial issues. You will be building connection and care with your spouse that will serve you well around all the issues in your marriage. 

For more help with stepping into those conversations, start with this free money and relationship assessment, or take a look at Thriving in Love & Money.

Share YOUR advice! What money advice have you found to be most helpful, that you would want to share with a newly-married couple? Answer in the comments below!

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Money Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Communication An Amazing Milestone in Our Family — And For Our Son Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Making a Happy Marriage 10 Encouraging Facts About Marriage You Need to Hear and Share Honoring All the Mothers (Who Are Loving the Kids They’ve Got)

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Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Communication

This series is designed for newlyweds, those about to be married—and pretty much anyone who wants to know the most important factors for creating a great marriage. These simple insights are drawn from 18 years of research and 12 nationally-representative studies with more than 40,000 men and women. This is the second article in the series . Share it with those who are newly married—or just about to be!

When my husband, Jeff, and I conducted our research study to find out what the happiest couples do differently, we were surprised and a bit amused to discover that although most of these couples talked about the importance of “communication,” they couldn’t explain what that actually meant. They had spent years building great communication habits—but couldn’t articulate what they were doing differently. So Jeff and I investigated what “communicating well” actually meant in practice for these couples.

Below are four crucial communication habits we’ve identified for any couple who wants to create a highly happy marriage. Several of these arose from our nationally-representative surveys and were included in our book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. Others have been identified in new research. These are by no means an exhaustive list, but all are simple and game-changing for any marriage.

Communication Habit #1: Always speak about your spouse in an honoring way

When I speak on relationships, I often explain the 30-Day Kindness Challenge—a simple, evidence-based process for improving any relationship (with a spouse, child, colleague, etc.). And in the process, I often see just how needed this particular habit actually is.

I first explain to the audience that part of the Challenge is to not say anything negative about the person with whom they want a better relationship. People usually nod in agreement. But when I clarify: “You don’t say anything negative either to that person or about that person to someone else,” a groan usually sweeps the room. Because the listeners realize just how often they share frustrations about this person with others.

By far the most dangerous example of this is when we “vent” about our spouse. Why? Well, there are several reasons, including the rather obvious one of giving those around you a negative view of the person you’re going to be married to for the rest of your life! But one of my readers captured a much more important reason in a recent post: “My marital advice is to never speak badly about your spouse to others. It’s not good for your heart. And your words, even if in venting or frustration, can become your thoughts and feelings.”

Read that last sentence again. Whatever you focus on and talk about with regard to your spouse will steer your feelings about your spouse. Either toward the positive—or the negative.

Whatever you focus on and talk about with regard to your spouse will steer your feelings about your spouse. Either toward the positive—or the negative.
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We have bought into a myth that “venting” a little steam is harmless—even helpful. But researchers, including Dr. Brad Bushman at Ohio State University, have discovered that far from making us feel better, a little bit of complaining actually activates an interconnected anger system in the brain. It increases angst. Instead of venting steam we are turning up the heat under the pot.

Now, this doesn’t mean we should pull back from seeking support and advice. In fact, being in fellowship with others we can talk to is crucial. But it does mean we have to be very honest with ourselves about the motivation behind those conversations: Is it to get encouraging advice that will support our marriage and ideally help us fall more in love with our spouse? Or is it for the guilty pleasure of rolling our eyes and saying, “you won’t believe what happened the other day”? The former is vital—while the latter will only hurt us and our marriage.

As one man wrote in, “My bit of wisdom is this: Honor your spouse in public. Esteem him or her. Years ago, my pastor told us: ‘My wife is not perfect. But you will never hear about that from me. Love covers a multitude of sins.’ We committed to each other that we would always honor each other with our words. And we have.”

Communication Habit #2: Be honest with your spouse—but always in a kind way.

In our research, when we asked couples for marriage advice, we frequently heard “it is so important to be able to be brutally honest with each other.”

Here’s the thing: we never heard that phrase from the happiest couples. Not once. The happiest couples are indeed honest and share what needs to be said—but they are never brutal. Instead, they make a purposeful effort to speak kindly to their spouse. Especially when something might be hard to hear.

Make a purposeful effort to speak kindly to your spouse.
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As time goes by in a new marriage, as kids come along and job stresses increase, it can be easy to take our spouse for granted and begin to speak to them in a way we would neverspeak to even a close friend. Yet in our research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we found that among the happiest couples, the vast majority (75%) tried to be at least as considerate with their spouse as they would be with a friend—where among the so-so or struggling couples only 46% did so.

A good marriage requires being able to share what we are actually thinking and feeling—especially if there is a concern that needs to be raised. And kindness is what allows those open lines of communication to grow. I recently asked some of my readers for their top marriage advice, and one respondent who had been married for 45 years said this was his most crucial counsel: “Be a generous and kind communicator. Don’t hold back on what you want to say for a ‘better time’. If you are kind with your communication, you can speak your mind. If you can develop a space of safety in all you say, then you can be transparent and honest.”

Communication Habit #3: Listen in the way your spouse needs—not necessarily in the way you would need

To become a great communicator, you have to become a competent listener. And being a competent listener means listening in the way your spouse needs. Statistically, it is worth pointing out two different listening skills that will be appreciated most men and most women. (Although since everyone is an individual, the key is always to learn what matters to your spouse.)

Men: Realize that for most women, “listening” means “listen to my feelings about a problem before trying to deal with the actual problem.” In our national survey of women for For Men Only most said that they would only want their man to help them with the technical problem as Step Two. Instead, as Step One, if a woman was upset about something—for example, her boss publicly criticized her in front of her subordinates—she usually first wanted her man to listen to and empathize with her upset feelings and draw her out with caring questions. (“What do you think the others on the team are thinking?” “How do you feel about walking in tomorrow?”) This type of listening and communication will, in most cases, make a woman feel very loved. (For more specific tips, read this article, and this one.)

Women: Realize that for most men, “listening” means “trust that I have thought something through by the time I bring it up, before shooting off tons of questions.” In our national survey of men for For Women Only most (82%) said that by the time they raised something with their wife—for example, he thinks it is appropriate to dip into savings to build the new deck—they had already thought about the issue in detail. In fact, by the time a man raises something he has often thought through his wife’s potential objections or concerns as well. But because this is the first his wife is hearing about it, she often wants to process it by discussing it with him and ask questions—which he might receive as criticism. It will avoid that implication and instead show appreciation if she listens to his initial discussion and then asks her questions with the acknowledgement that he has probably already put a great deal of thought into it. (“So I know you’ve probably investigated ways to cut costs—what did you find?”) Even if, in the end, she ends up disagreeing. (If you are curious, this piece or The Thinker chapter in For Women Only unpacks this a bit more.)

A bonus reminder about another listening skill that is crucial for everyone, was captured well by a reader who shared that their top advice was, “Be a good listening partner. Do not interrupt. Listen like you are trying to understand, not just wanting to reply.”

A reader shared this great piece of couples advice: “Be a good listening partner. Do not interrupt. Listen like you are trying to understand, not just wanting to reply.”
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Communication Habit #4: Remember: Your spouse doesn’t know what you are thinking or what you need unless you tell them

This is a very simple thing to remember—and will save a whole lot of heartache if we apply it. We all know that we should not expect our spouse to read our mind . . . yet sometimes we still do!

For all the new couples out there, start your marriage out right by resolving to do two things:

First, if you have a specific need, desire, or concern share it instead of expecting your spouse to somehow prove how much they love and appreciate you by magically figuring it out. Say explicitly, “Do we already have plans for my birthday? If you want an idea, I’d love to get some friends and go to that laser tag place.” Or be clear that, “I’ve had a taxing day, and I’m not sure I’m up for romance tonight. Can we make a date for tomorrow night instead?” If you don’t particularly care about what to do for your birthday, then this doesn’t matter. But if you do care, it is unfair not to give your spouse the opportunity to meet a need they wouldn’t have known about otherwise.

Second, be clear with your words and play no games. One of our friends says the best advice they got in their premarital counseling was to tell each other, “I’m going to believe your words.”  So if one person says, “What’s wrong?” and the other answers, “Nothing,” they are going to believe those words. Or if one spouse asks, “Are you upset that I put a down payment on the deck without asking you?” and the other says, “No” then the question is resolved. So resolve to believe one another’s words. That pact incentivizes being honest about what you need—and honors the fact that your spouse wants to know how to love you well but cannot read your mind.

Communication runs through every day of a marriage. And there are many more pieces of communication advice that matter. But start with these simple ones. They matter to everyone.

What communication advice would you most want to share with a newlywed couple? Answer in the comments below!

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Communicationby Shaunti FeldhahnAn Amazing Milestone in Our Family — And For Our Sonby Shaunti Feldhahn Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Making a Happy Marriageby Shaunti Feldhahn 10 Encouraging Facts About Marriage You Need to Hear and Shareby Shaunti Feldhahn Honoring All the Mothers (Who Are Loving the Kids They’ve Got)by Shaunti Feldhahn

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An Amazing Milestone in Our Family — And For Our Son

Eight years ago, a terrifying incident changed everything for our family. Our almost 11-year-old son, Luke, had a massive grand mal seizure and we discovered that he had epilepsy. And a very unusual type of epilepsy: medication could control his bodily seizures but not the intense, abnormal electrical activity in his brain.

Over the next few years, Jeff and I watched, our hearts breaking, as our son struggled with a brain that was betraying him and medications that drastically slowed his processing speed. He went from being a straight-A student with dreams of becoming a Mechanical Engineer, to having to learn to read again. He worked with Jeff for hours every night to understand homework that his classmates knocked out in thirty minutes. He went from being lighthearted and silly and having lots of friends, to being unable to follow a group conversation. He began to shut down. It was safer to be silent and look socially awkward than to open his mouth and prove he couldn’t keep up. His friends in middle school were kind, but few knew how to handle such a situation. Within a year, he was failing his tests and eating lunch alone.

He rarely complained. But it hurt. There were moments when the dam broke. When he felt stupid and hopeless.

I want to tell you what happened next. Not just because it is a powerful story, but because I’m guessing many of you can relate to the pain of carrying a burden you would never wish to bear. Whether that burden is carried by you, your child, or a close friend or loved one, I want to encourage you that God can use those circumstances in ways you could never imagine.

In Luke’s case, a key turning point came when we saw the movie, Cinderella Man, about a real-life Depression-era champion boxer. James J. Braddock was weak with his left hand but powerful with his right—until he fractured it and could no longer fight. Could no longer work and feed his family. He felt stupid and hopeless. He hid the injury and got work as a manual laborer. Each day he would grit his teeth and do all the work left-handed. Then months later he was offered a token fight with the current title holder. To everyone’s shock, Braddock easily won. All those excruciating months of hard work, compensating for his disability, had made his “weaker” left hand very strong—and made him into a champion.

Jeff told Luke, “Buddy, that is like what you are going through. These hard, hard things are strengthening you in ways you can’t imagine right now. You are having to face things that most people will never face. You are holding up under a burden that would crumble most kids. But you know what? Other kids have their own burdens, that you will never have to face. Everyone has something. But that is what God uses to build our character. This . . . this is building your left hand.”

Luke caught a vision. A vision that is important for anyone in a time of trial: How a hard situation that we would never choose can produce endurance, and character, and ultimately a hope that we would never trade.

So Luke began going to therapy daily to learn how to re-learn everything and develop strategies for the way his brain worked now. He rejected the neurologists’ caution that he might need to leave mainstream school and go to a special high school for kids with major disabilities. He applied to a Christian high school with a special studies program—and when he was rejected (“his disability is too acute”), he promised he would work hard and repeat eighth grade if they would give him a chance. They took that chance.

He spent a second year in eighth grade, applying all the strategies he had learned—and then when it came time for Freshman registration, he said “I want to sign up for Honors classes.” Then, later, “I want to try AP classes.” He knew it would mean triple the time on homework as his peers, but he said “I want to be a Mechanical Engineer. If I am going to get into a top engineering program, this is what I have to do.”

It was definitely hard. It meant very little time for school activities or a job—school was his job, year-round (including every summer). But he persevered.

He also began opening up to his school peers—willing to risk rejection in order to try to be part of group conversation. It was still hard, and he still couldn’t always follow everything that was said—but some kind students saw the heart underneath the effort and included him anyway. He had groups of friends again.

As the years rolled by and college drew closer, there were both victories and setbacks. He received wonderful encouragement from his school and earned almost straight A’s—including in the STEM subjects that were key to being accepted into a good Mechanical Engineering program. Yet despite the highest grades, and six tries at the ACT, his processing speed was always too slow to earn a score high enough to qualify for Georgia’s full-tuition Zell Miller Scholarship. He was downcast for a while . . . but if there is one thing that he has seen, over and over, it is that God is with him in the battle. He knows God will provide.

Whatever your burden is, I pray that you will see those same truths. And that you see not just the challenges, but some amazing milestones you can celebrate.

For me, today . . . I am not even sure if “celebration” is the right word. For I stare at this picture of my son with tears streaming down my face. A young man who had once wondered if he would ever be able to read again, who on Saturday walked across a stage to receive his high school diploma with a host of honors. And who will soon start courses at a respected Mechanical Engineering program.

I am so proud of you, my son. And so grateful to the One who has held you up and built your character through it all. Your dad and sister and I love you so much. And we are in awe of the person you have become. Not just a hard worker, but kind. Not just persevering to do the things you can but trusting God to do what only He can. You have earned those tassels and medals. Not just for all your hard work, but for not losing hope while you did it. You have strengthened your left hand.

This article was also published at Patheos.

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

An Amazing Milestone in Our Family — And For Our Sonby Shaunti FeldhahnTop Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Making a Happy Marriageby Shaunti Feldhahn 10 Encouraging Facts About Marriage You Need to Hear and Shareby Shaunti Feldhahn Honoring All the Mothers (Who Are Loving the Kids They’ve Got)by Shaunti Feldhahn 3 Great Ways to Handle Dramaby Shaunti Feldhahn

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Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Making a Happy Marriage

Wedding season is upon us! Engaged and newly-married couples are being flooded with advice from all corners, and asking, “What is MOST important for us to know?” We have the answers!

Based on 18 years of research and 12 nationally-representative studies with more than 40,000 men and women, this series shares the most vital “aha moments” for any marriage—especially those about to tie the knot. This is the first article in the series. Pass it along!

Everyone ties the knot wanting a happy marriage. Everyone hopes for smooth sailing. And yet we all know . . .  there will inevitably be times we cross stormy seas!

Thankfully, applying several crucial truths will help you get through the storms quickly and back to sunnier waters—and even avoid some of the storms to begin with.

Based on a special-purpose study of more than 1,000 couples to discover what the happiest marriages do differently, here are three vital habits every newlywed (and about-to-be wed!) couple needs to build, in order to make a great marriage.

Habit #1: When you are hurt or angry with your spouse, stop your natural (negative) train of thought

Your spouse affirmed (twice) that they would be sure to be available to let the A/C repairman in, since you were going to be on an important Zoom meeting in your home office. Yet when the repairman walks up the front steps, your spouse is in the shower. You are trying to explain to your boss and colleagues why you missed your sales numbers for the first quarter, while everyone on the call can hear the doorbell ringing, the technician knocking, and the dog barking. Repeatedly.

You are understandably upset. It is legitimate to be hurt or angry that your mate didn’t remember their commitment and left you in such an embarrassing and difficult situation.

But all too often, our thoughts run a lot further than just being hurt or angry, right? We start ascribing negative motivations to our spouse. It isn’t just that our spouse was forgetful. Instead, we begin thinking things like, She doesn’t appreciate how much stress I’m under this year, as business is bad and I’m trying to avoid being fired! Or, He must not have even written down that the A/C was being fixed—he takes me for granted and just assumes I’ll be the keeper of his schedule!

In the research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we discovered it is vital to control those sorts of poisonous feelings—so those feelings don’t control us. And building this habit early can prevent a host of problems down the road.

When we asked couples for their advice for newlyweds, one contributed this astute insight: “When we said our vows, we didn’t promise to always feel loving. But we did promise to be loving in what we say and do. Feelings, by themselves, are not what we solely rely on in determining how we treat each other.”

The first step in being loving, is stopping the negative train of thought. The next step—out of love for your spouse—is redirecting the train onto a different track entirely.

Habit #2: Choose to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions toward you

When you consider those particular negative thoughts about your spouse (and a hundred others), they boil down to just one thought in the end: My spouse doesn’t care about/appreciate me.

That sneaky thought can easily flood our mind—and it is almost certainly not true. Again, based on our nationally-representative study for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we found that 99.3% of married individuals deeply care about their spouse! Even in the most challenging marriages, that were weathering the worst storms, the number was a startling 97%.

Your spouse almost certainly deeply cares about and appreciates you. But they won’t live that out perfectly. They will hurt your feelings, they will be inconsiderate at times, because they are human. But they care. What does this mean? It means that if you want a happy marriage, you need to choose to believe that your mate cares about and appreciates you, no matter what your feelings may say in that moment.

So instead of my spouse doesn’t appreciate me, you stop the train of thought. You think to yourself, No, that’s wrong. I know my spouse loves me. I know my spouse appreciates me. So there must be another explanation for their behavior.

Instead of "my spouse doesn’t appreciate me," stop the train of thought. Think to yourself, "No, that’s wrong. I KNOW my spouse loves me." #shauntifeldhahn
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In the study results, this choice was almost a prerequisite: it is very difficult to have a happy marriage without it. Because if you don’t make that choice, your spouse can never win—and neither can your marriage. For example, your spouse may do or say something out of sincere love for you, and yet you suspiciously think, You’re only doing that to get on my good side. Don’t hold your mate’s sincere efforts hostage to your negative beliefs!

Of course, when we have been legitimately hurt, choosing to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions may be hard. Sometimes it may seem beyond us. Many of the happiest couples say this is when faith comes in, and we ask God for help to do what does not come naturally. Because it is vital. Believing the best is essential for breaking a negative cycle and building a positive one instead. It is essential for plowing through the storms and heading out the other side. And, even better, it is essential for preventing heartache to begin with.

Which leads to the all-important final habit for today.

Habit #3: Look for a more generous explanation of your spouse’s behavior

So here you are, sitting in front of your laptop, having just logged off your rather disastrous Zoom meeting. The A/C repairman left after no one answered the door. You hear the shower turn off. And you have a choice to make.

Your hurt and anger are roiling. You feel put upon and taken for granted. You want to let your spouse have it. Yet that is likely to begin a cycle that will raise other defensive and angry feelings on the part of your spouse. And then you . . . and then your spouse . . .

So you force yourself to pause. You pray for God’s help. You think to yourself, I know my spouse cares. I know they wanted to be helpful. So there must be another explanation for what happened.

So when your spouse comes into your home office, you say, “I’m pretty upset.” You explain the situation and how embarrassed you were. But you don’t say, “You always take me for granted!” Instead, you say, “I know you said you wanted to help. What happened?”

In other words: You are assuming something happened. And you are assuming it is something other than, “Well, I just didn’t care about you being embarrassed in front of your boss. Deal with it.”

By believing the best, by believing there is a more generous explanation of your spouse’s behavior, you open up the space for your spouse to explain what happened instead of defensively justifying themselves. So your mate owns up to the fact that they got caught up in their own work deadline, got a text from their own boss, and ran to take a shower so they could run to pick up the materials for tomorrow’s event.

By believing the best, by believing there is a more generous explanation of your spouse’s behavior, you open up the space for your spouse to explain what happened instead of defensively justifying themselves.
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In other words: they simply forgot. But it wasn’t that they didn’t care. In fact, they feel terrible about what happened. Your choice to give them space to explain that doesn’t “let them off the hook.” (After all, you’ve been honest about your feelings.) Rather, it prioritizes what is most important: Not your need to make a point, but your marriage.

In future articles, we will tackle several vital truths that every marriage needs to know about money, communication, sex, and several other vital topics. But this one . . . this one is foundational. You get this one right and it will help you with everything else as you build the happy marriage you are longing for.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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