Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 20

Simple But Powerful Relationship Lessons We Can Learn From Kids

My friend and her husband (who I’ll call Jackie and Tim) have their young grandson Micah with them every Saturday—and they love it. Sometimes they do special things with Micah, but most weekends they run errands and do Saturday chores and activities around the house—with lots of games, Legos, Play-Doh, and tickle fights mixed in.

Jackie told me she started noticing that whenever they were together, Micah loved being next to her. If they were reading a story, he sat close enough to touch and rested his hand on hers. He was drawn to connecting physically. It seemed to just be an instinctive, natural behavior—but one that definitely was building a bond between them. Jackie works in a field related to helping marriage and relationships, and started wondering: could some of the natural behaviors of young children be useful for adults to learn from?

I am intrigued by that idea. As adults, we work to grow our relationship skills by reading books, going to conferences, and (ahem) following blogs. Kids do none of those things. But despite that, young kids have certain natural tendencies—sort of built-in predispositions—that are actually really helpful for building healthy and happy relationships at any age. (Although of course, as any parent who has endured a temper-tantrum can attest, kids also have certain tendencies that will do exactly the opposite of building good relationships! Which is where parents come in, to steer them in a different way.)

So when you’re around the children in your life (maybe one’s in your lap right now while you’re reading this), keep an eye out for some of the sweet behaviors that draw you together—and see how you can put them into practice with your spouse.

Kids want to be physically near you.

When you’re around any child that you’re closely related to for more than about 15 minutes, they’ll most likely be touching you in some way—leaning on you, holding hands, jumping on you, or settling in for a quality snuggle. That physical closeness comes without thinking. For kids, touch is their default. Which is why a lack of affectionate touch for a child is so damaging, developmentally.

That same kind of default touch is a warm and wonderful way to stay connected (literally!) to your spouse. And men, in most cases, it is super important to your wife—even if “physical touch” isn’t one of her main “love languages.” Our research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages identified affectionate touch as having a huge impact on making wives feel precious and cared for. So guys, ask her if it matters. And if so, make it your default: put your arm around her in church, hold hands in the grocery store, sit thisclose when you’re watching TV. Bonus: The warmth of nonsexual touch between husband and wife often kindles the embers that lead to sparks in the bedroom.

Kids are quick to forgive.

Can you think of a time when a child in your life got really upset with you and less than 10 minutes later it was miraculously over and forgotten? Young kids from loving families tend to practice the healthy relationship habit of keeping short accounts. In other words: they don’t hold a grudge. They move on from conflict. And they assume the best. They know you love them and they love you too; that is never in question.

One of the most important findings of the Highly Happy Marriages research was related to this. We found that in the vast majority of normal (non-abusive) marriages, if you want to have a happy marriage you have to move through conflict or arguments assuming this truth: that your spouse cares about you and does not intend to hurt you. Happy couples know how to put conflict into perspective.

For kids, a shorter attention span might assist their rapid transition from hurt back to happiness. We adults would benefit from some attention span reduction—cutting short our stewing and grumbling and turning to what is right with our spouse and our relationship. Every minor conflict doesn’t have to escalate, every thought or concern doesn’t need to be expressed. As long as it is not something serious, sometimes we can simply “let it go” and move on.

Kids like hanging out with you.

It’s fun to do special things with kids and grandkids: going to a ballgame, concert, or museum. But the best family times don’t always require reserved tickets, a special outfit, or a long wait in line, right? For example, lots of young kids like “helping” with cooking and fix-it jobs around the house. (Hmmm . . . can we bottle and save that desire for the teen years?!) Games, tickle fights, making music—the simple pleasures—are often enough because kids just like being with you.

Likewise, in marriage, simply enjoying the companionship of your spouse allows your relationship to flourish. Research for the Highly Happy Marriages book showed that the happiest couples spend significant time hanging out together. Just as Jackie and Tim have regular time scheduled with their grandson, it’s important for couples to schedule time together. And the most important thing is that time together; of secondary importance is what you actually do. It becomes a healthy and happy cycle—spending time together makes you happy and being happy causes you to want to spend more time together.Kids love you just as you are.

Your child or grandchild, niece or nephew doesn’t really care if you’re a vice president, if you’re 20 pounds overweight, if you have a Ph.D., or if you can’t follow a map to save your life. Your status, your successes and foibles don’t matter. They love you for you. Your role to them—mom, dad, grandmom, granddad, aunt, uncle—is what makes you special. You hold a place in their life and in their heart that no one else can fill.

Kids love you unconditionally, and happy couples are the same. They think the best of their spouse. They support each other and lift each other up. They focus on the good qualities of their mates and (while not ignoring significant issues) put weaknesses in the background. They love their spouses—quirks and all—just as they are.

Spending time with children we love dearly—and who love us so much and so well—is one of the sweetest experiences life has to offer. Sure, kids can drive us crazy sometimes. (We all have our days, don’t we?) Just as we can drive one another crazy in marriage sometimes. But we should never lose the focus on their sweetness—or the sweetness of our marriage.

Going forward, as parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, let’s take note of what the natural childhood healthy and happy approach to relationships can teach us. Those things not learned in a book or applied with effort, but that they just do—and we can, too.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Simple But Powerful Relationship Lessons We Can Learn From Kidsby Shaunti Feldhahn Talking To Your Young Adults About the Ukraine Invasionby Shaunti Feldhahn Why we should be “sober-minded and alert” about the Ukrainian invasionby Shaunti Feldhahn We’ve Got 40 Hoursby Katie Kenny Phillips How To Inspire More Romance From Your Manby Shaunti Feldhahn

The post Simple But Powerful Relationship Lessons We Can Learn From Kids appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Talking To Your Young Adults About the Ukraine Invasion

One week ago, on February 24, 2022, Russia’s President Putin declared war on Ukraine and began what was previously unthinkable: a full invasion and attempted takeover of a democratic European neighbor. In an article that day (which provides important context for this one), I noted this was the beginning of a great season of uncertainty and we need to be fervently praying for wisdom for our leaders and ourselves about how to respond well.

We also need wisdom about how to guide our kids through this. I’m especially thinking about our teens and college-age young adults. A generation of young people has never before had to process such a massive amount of real-time information and media input about a conflict of this potential magnitude. If it is difficult for us to process this, how must our kids feel? Especially since our young adults (maybe even some older Gen-Z readers of this blog) are coming to grips with a reality that has been merely vague and hypothetical for generations: A military action that could, without God’s grace, spark a much larger conflict . . . in a time when they and their close friends and siblings are draft age.

As I said last week, I’m far from an expert on foreign policy—but I’ve done a lot of studying of teenagers and young adults for books like For Parents Only. And I continue to investigate how they feel. Including interviewing them on this topic.

So here are just a few crucial things that we need to consider in order to help them process this intense situation—actions which may also help us process it along the way. Further, if you, yourself, are a young adult or twentysomething reader of this blog, these may be ways you can help your friends.

We need to help young adults, too, be “sober-minded and watchful” about what is unfolding

The words of 1 Peter 5:8 resonate even more today than a week ago. This last week, it has been hard to watch the images crossing our TV screens and social media feeds—and yet our kids have been doing so. They have been flooded with videos of the chaos. (More on that in a moment.)

The heroic resistance of the Ukrainian leaders and people has been heartbreaking and inspiring and has united the world against the tragedy being imposed by Putin. This is a good thing to discuss with our kids. Right now, an idea is shining brightly: the idea that might does not make right. That a bully cannot just take what he wants without consequences. That “all men are created equal” and have the right to freedom and self-determination. Use this as an opportunity to discuss and hear your kids’ hearts on those concepts.

Yet also use this as an opportunity to share that this is not a movie. The good guys don’t always win. Don’t take away your kids’ hope but help them be prepared emotionally for what might come. The successes of the Ukrainian resistance have made it more likely that a humiliated dictator’s next steps will be far more brutal. Until now, expecting that he would take over fairly easily, Putin likely wanted to keep much of the Ukrainian infrastructure intact. Now, analysts believe he may revert to “burn it to the ground” mode, as he did in Grozny, the capital of Chechnya. Facing crippling sanctions and the near-universal condemnation of the international community, will he back off? Double down? Threaten nuclear retaliation if sanctions aren’t removed? It is impossible to know. All we do know is that it seems highly unlikely that the plucky underdog can prevent a truly determined effort to blow Ukrainian resistance away.

We need to respect and listen to their fears, to help them overcome those fears

On the morning the main invasion started, I got a call from my 21-year-old daughter. “It is hard to know what information to listen to,” she said. “Is this really a big deal?” Her voice shook slightly as we talked about the fact that God is in control—but yes, this is a pretty big deal.

There was a pause and I could hear that she was trying to fight back tears. “Does this mean there might be a draft?”

Suddenly, I realized what she was most worried about: Her brother is draft age. Her boyfriend, who she has been dating for more than a year, is draft age. The concept was real in a way it had never been before.

I shared many of the things I eventually put in the piece last week, but also emphasized that right now, although the United States is sending troops to NATO allies, we are not directly being drawn into armed conflict. And even if things were to go downhill, we have a wonderful, professional military—so there would be no immediate reason for a draft.

But that said . . . it is impossible to not respect her fears—and those of millions of other young men and women. They have never before been confronted with a situation where things could conceivably come to such a tipping point. For the past year, my 19-year-old son has carelessly left his Selective Service paperwork in the envelope it came in, in the back of a file box, expecting never to look at it again. How many of our young adults feel the weight of that registration more fully today? Or much more simply, how many have the much more empathetic worry of what will happen to the Ukrainian people they see on their social media feeds?

We must draw out those concerns of our kids; ask them how they feel. Help them process it in trust that God is in control—but also in a way that they do actually share what they are feeling and know that we are listening. Multiple studies, such as this one from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, have found that having a supportive conversation about a stressful situation—one that draws out the concerns instead of dismissing them—actually helps decrease distress. It is worth noting that the same dynamic applies not just to our kids, but to us!

Help them get good information—and combat disinformation

The main source of news for Gen Z is not CNN, Fox News or The New York Times: It’s TikTok. It is Instagram Reels and YouTube shorts. Remember: The Ukrainian men and women on the front lines are posting TikToks too. We may not be aware of it, but many of our kids are being flooded by videos of this conflict.

The news:

@dylanpage.ning Russia & Ukraine Part 1- Ongoing Series #fyp #russia #ukraine #nato #putin ♬ original sound – Dylan Page

The heart-wrenching:

@lukalp1 #fyp #ukraine #georgia # ♬ original sound – Luka Lapiashvili

And the terrifying perspectives on the ground, such as this from Day 1:

@bennyvalentinen17 Ukraine bombing no joke! #fyp #news #action #war #ukraine #russia #shooting ♬ original sound – bennyvalentineN17

I have heard multiple young adults say they have no idea how to process it all—or even know what is true and what is not. (As one young commenter put it, “History class in 2050 will be analyzing TikToks.”)

In a time like this, disinformation is a real concern—not just for us but for our kids. Most social media—especially TikTok—delivers more of what you watch so (for example) those who watch Russian disinformation will see more of it. Help your kids be discerning about what they watch and listen to, and how to tell if something is misinformation. (For example, “Well, that video from that one source says this is just a peacekeeping effort. But we’ve seen the civilian areas be bombed, right? So maybe we shouldn’t watch videos from that source again.”)

If you have a college student or young twentysomething, you may have never before thought to share with them how to log in to your family’s subscription to the Wall Street Journal, The Atlantic, or whatever news source you trust. They may welcome the ability to get good news from trusted sources.

And in turn—ask your kids what they are seeing. What is being delivered to their screens.

As my daughter put it, “There’s so much; we honestly don’t know how to respond. But when a parent asks their kid to send what the kids are watching, it makes them feel like they are listening. That they care about what they are seeing. Sharing TikTok videos is like my generation’s love language. So it will matter if you say, ‘Send me videos, I’m curious to see what the TikTok side of the news is.’”

Pray and Help

Finally, set aside time to pray with your kids, and look for ways to extend tangible help to Ukrainians in need. There are many Christian relief agencies sending humanitarian aid to Ukrainians who are besieged—and those who are now refugees. Perhaps your kids can help you research which agency to give to. And praying together is also crucial. We can pray for specifics—for example, that Putin would have a dramatic change of heart, and for the leaders of the nations to be given wisdom in their dealings with him. But we can also pray for peace in our own hearts; and model for our kids that we know God is still in control.

Shaunti Feldhahn is a social researcher and best-selling author on relationships. Back in the day she worked on Capitol Hill and earned a Master in Public Policy from Harvard University. See more at shaunti.com.

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Talking To Your Young Adults About the Ukraine Invasionby Shaunti Feldhahn Why we should be “sober-minded and alert” about the Ukrainian invasionby Shaunti Feldhahn We’ve Got 40 Hoursby Katie Kenny Phillips How To Inspire More Romance From Your Manby Shaunti Feldhahn Husbands, Here’s How To Do Real-Life Romanceby Shaunti Feldhahn

The post Talking To Your Young Adults About the Ukraine Invasion appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Why we should be “sober-minded and alert” about the Ukrainian invasion

Occasionally something happens in the world that is momentous enough to warrant taking off my “relationship researcher” hat and dusting off my old “public policy hat.” (I have been out of the policy world for a long time, but that’s the field of both my initial professional experience and my graduate degree.) Today’s Russian invasion of Ukraine is one such event.

I believe there is a crucial perspective here for the Christian community to begin to think about (for those who aren’t already). Especially for those of you who are pastors in local churches, and ministry leaders with influence in the life of your community. I’m not a foreign policy expert and I have no special knowledge; I’ve only been reading up on this in news and analysis like everyone else. But if you haven’t been following the news as closely or are simply looking for other perspectives, keep reading. If not, ignore this and I’ll see you in the next “regular” blog!

The U.S. Christian community needs to be aware of just how big of a deal this could be.

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine is a massively destabilizing move that drastically changes the status quo of Europe and NATO for the foreseeable future—and could easily have many unforeseen consequences for the U.S. (And potentially the globe.)  This is the first time since World War II that one European state has invaded another with the clear intent to overthrow a democratically elected government and take over the country.

The church in the United States cannot be caught unawares of what this means. We should see this as having been “put on notice” to be extremely alert and praying. What is going on at the moment (e.g. an invasion of one smallish country) could easily become the first chapter of a much, much bigger story. (More on that in a moment.)

I’m soberly reminded of 1 Peter 5:8. “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”  The enemy is on the move. So must we be, as followers of Jesus.

Russia’s full invasion of Ukraine appears to be the worst-case scenario for now.

While Russian troops were massing on the border and engaging in cyberattacks, there was still a chance that their efforts were going to be limited to extracting diplomatic concessions or “just” taking over the two territories that Russia has wrongly claimed as their own.

No longer. Dozens of Ukrainian cities have been attacked with missiles and airpower, bridges and airports and communication centers have been taken out nationwide, and tanks are en route to the capital. Russia’s President Putin is in full-on dictator-disinformation mode, claiming (inaccurately) that this action is being done to bring peace to the country of Ukraine, stop the “genocide” perpetrated by Ukraine, and “de-nazify” the country. Needless to say, there is no evidence of Ukrainian genocide, and its Jewish president was probably quite surprised to be accused of being a Nazi regime.

The invasion could have many consequences for the U.S.

To be clear: There is no discussion of sending U.S. or NATO troops to militarily defend Ukraine itself. (One reason for this whole thing is that the country is not part of the NATO treaty and Putin wanted to make sure that never changed). So it is easy to think that this conflict will be limited in scope.

It could indeed be limited in scope (if we view a hostile overthrow of a democratic European country as “limited”) . . . but it could just as easily spread to a major conflict between great powers. Great powers with nuclear weapons. And at the moment, Putin—the holder of many of those nuclear weapons- appears to be acting extremely erratic. In his speech overnight that declared war on Ukraine, he was visibly agitated as he said “Whoever tries to interfere with us, and even more so to create threats to our country, to our people, should know that Russia’s response will be immediate and will lead you to such consequences as you have never experienced in your history. We are ready for any development of events. . . . I hope that I will be heard.”

It is almost certain that the next step in U.S. action will be punishing sanctions (which are likely to be announced by the time this is posted). But it is highly likely that that will not be the only step. And here’s where it begins to get really dicey. It is also highly likely that Ukraine’s NATO-member neighbors will be looking to NATO for military support. After all, those neighbors now feel legitimately threatened and will want to bulk up forces on their borders. And of course, the U.S. is bound by NATO to be a part of that.

So what happens if Russia sees that “protective troop buildup” as threatening (which Putin already has seen that way, since it was the original pretext for building up his forces), and threatens some sort of retaliation? What happens if an increasingly paranoid Putin actually orders a military action against a NATO ally? We are bound to defend NATO allies with our own troops.

Once we hit that tipping point where Russian troops are attacking U.S. troops . . . well, you can see why this could be a big, big deal. What happens if Russia’s erratic leader begins considering whether a first-strike nuclear attack with a new hypersonic missile (which our systems can’t easily defend against) might actually be worth it?

Even more likely: what happens if posturing and threats begin filling the airwaves with speculation and worry? What happens if every television news anchor begins inviting experts on to talk about how nuclear weapons work, or about whether Putin really is a madman? Are we as a church prepared to help one another respond to such anxiety with peace and trust—or will we be part of the problem for a while as we give into the temptation to speculation and worry?

I grew up during the last years of the Cold War, watching 1980’s movies like The Day After about what would happen if nuclear weapons were ever used. There was always so much anxiety in the background. I remember as a young professional working on Capitol Hill watching the news live as the Berlin Wall fell—the precursor to the end of the Cold War. The world suddenly felt so much more secure.

Yet followers of Christ should know in advance that any earthly security is truly an illusion. We have a responsibility to make the church—especially those in younger generations, who have never lived through a harrowing event of this nature—aware of what is actually going on and prepare to respond in faith. We have a responsibility to help the church be sober and alert, ready in prayer. Believers should never be taken by surprise.

And believers should never be panicked. God is on His throne. He calls us to be people of peace in the storm. So now is the time for followers of Christ to trust Him and learn from Him in a whole new way. Now is also the time to be praying for protection for those in harm’s way, as well as praying for wisdom for all leaders involved in the response. This is an important season ahead. Let’s meet it well.

Shaunti Feldhahn is a social researcher and best-selling author on relationships. Back in the day she worked on Capitol Hill and earned a Master in Public Policy from Harvard University.

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Why we should be “sober-minded and alert” about the Ukrainian invasionby Shaunti Feldhahn We’ve Got 40 Hoursby Katie Kenny Phillips How To Inspire More Romance From Your Manby Shaunti Feldhahn Husbands, Here’s How To Do Real-Life Romanceby Shaunti Feldhahn Keep Holding On . . . God Can Use Our Weaknessesby Shaunti Feldhahn

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We’ve Got 40 Hours

G uest Blog from Katie Kenny Phillips

Hi everyone! I’m recovering from an insane number of hours spent on the deadline for my next book, and I’m delighted to present a guest blog this week. Katie Kenny Phillips has been my senior editor for years, and is also a children’s book author (check out her delightful books here ). Having gone through the exact same thing not too long ago, I just had to share her take on the time a parent and teenager spend together as the teen learns to drive. If you are in the middle of those days . . . if you remember those days . . . if you know those days are approaching all too swiftly . . . commit to being present with your child. And maybe grab a Kleenex.

There’s a certain number of hours required to drive with you, my teenage son, before you get your license. FORTY hours. Two thousand four hundred minutes. That’s 144,000 seconds of me in the passenger seat, heart pounding, adrenaline spiking, praying without ceasing. (Jesus, take the wheel.)

After the initial terror of driving for those first few (seconds) (minutes) hours, we settled into a (somewhat?) comfortable routine. For a new driver, you are actually quite good (but slow down!) and for the most part, I feel safe while acting as your plus 1 around the streets of our town.

But I’ve started noticing your own countdown. Only 6 weeks until you get your license. Only 5 weeks until you get your license. Now it’s only 4. Things like “I can’t wait until I can drive on my own!” “I can’t wait to be able to go by myself.” “I can’t wait.” “By myself.”

Without me.

Wait.

How did this happen? How did my countdown shift so dramatically, so quickly and yet so slowly? It’s like I’m watching sand slip through an hourglass—those grains of sand seemed infinite until . . . they didn’t.

How is it that I can distinctly recall shoehorning your stubborn little body into a car seat while brushing aside the Cheerios and now you’re opening my door to take my place, readjusting my mirrors to give you a perspective that is not meant for me? And when did you stop liking Cheerios? I cannot seem to recall.

I’ve only just gotten used to these 40 hours, the time I have you captive and engaged. I actually like it now. No, I love it. It’s the one thing we do together where I’m giving you something you want and you’re allowing me to see your process of learning and growing and making mistakes and achieving. I have a front row seat to you—like a celebrity, courtside, watching a sport I’m still trying to understand.   

Ah, these 40 hours . . . these are the times you talk to me and with me. This is the time your eyes are on the road but I really get to see you. You tell me the funny thing your teacher said or what happened at practice or you tell me who made what team and I say, “who are they again?” and you groan because you know I need you to remind me that I dropped that kid off one time and remember, he had the broken wrist? I hear about it as if I’m on the inside of a very exclusive club where membership requires my life in your hands. No big deal. And of course, it’s the biggest deal.

These 40 hours put us shoulder to shoulder. I get to see you smiling, so close to me, not just waving goodbye as you head off to practice or out for the evening with your friends. You’re close enough to touch and I’m finding myself squeezing that shoulder or touching your arm to show you we’re connected by more than proximity.

These 40 hours allow me to treat you to donuts and chicken sandwiches and coffees. They cost money and time and produce crumbs but I’m depositing these sweet, small moments into our bank, trusting you’ll somehow know I’m loving you where you are and where I am—in this car for a short, short time. Sometimes love really does look like a slushie.

These 40 hours are the last ones with your football bags and jerseys and equipment and cleats. I believe I’d recognize those smells in a dark alley in the middle of nowhere, a reminder of every early morning, hot bleacher, late night, hoarse voice from cheering. I’m realizing I don’t mind those smells one bit. I never, ever will.  

These 40 hours are sometimes filled with laughter—and it reverberates in the car like a sound bath, knocking against the windows and rattling my bones. If only I could bottle that sound, the preciousness of it, I could sell it to mothers everywhere and make millions. But I wouldn’t—I’d give it away for free because I know how desperately moms long to hear it. It would be my ministry. But there are times the car is filled with silence, and I challenge myself to sit in it with you to allow your need for peace to override my need to ask you questions about your day. This quiet is holy and I tell myself it is not wasted.

We’ve got 40 hours, teenage son of mine. Two thousand four hundred minutes. 144,000 seconds. And I want you to know I am cherishing every single one of them.  

Katie Kenny Phillips is a children’s book author of multiple titles, including the God, You Make Me Feel board books for toddlers, Jesus Loves Everybody, and her latest picture book with Shaunti Feldhahn, Let’s Find Joy.

Katie also works as senior writer and editor for best-selling author and speaker, Shaunti Feldhahn. She lives in Atlanta, GA with her family (including her teenage driver!) and two ridiculous labradoodles.

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

We’ve Got 40 Hoursby Katie Kenny Phillips How To Inspire More Romance From Your Manby Shaunti Feldhahn Husbands, Here’s How To Do Real-Life Romanceby Shaunti Feldhahn Keep Holding On . . . God Can Use Our Weaknessesby Shaunti Feldhahn Let’s Bring Kindness Back! Here’s How To Startby Shaunti Feldhahn

The post We’ve Got 40 Hours appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How To Inspire More Romance From Your Man

Ladies, was your Valentine’s Day a little… disappointing? Not quite up to the Hallmark movie scene you might have imagined? You know, that scene where the female lead shows up at a prearranged location for an unknown reason and finds herself following an elaborate scavenger hunt trail to arrive at a candlelit table set up for a romantic dinner for two, the male lead standing there with roses in hand and an adoring look in his eyes?

Maybe you got the same card and candy combination you get every year, which you suspect your husband picked up in a quick drugstore stop on his way home from work. Has whatever your man did—or didn’t do—left you wondering how much effort he put into romancing you that day (or any other day, for that matter), or if he even really cares?

Well, you might be surprised to learn that he does care—and he deeply wants to please you. During my research for For Women Only, I asked men if they desired romance in their relationship for themselves and I was shocked that 84% said yes!

That’s right, 8 out of every 10 men desire romance just as much as we do. So, while your man might not seem romantic in the way you would like, he still wants romance!

So what’s holding him back? Maybe he actually is trying, but you don’t interpret his attempts as romantic. Men and women sometimes define romance differently, so the signals between sender and receiver can get crossed.

Or—even more likely—maybe he’s concerned that he won’t please you. My research shows that a huge majority of men think they can put together a romantic event, but almost half aren’t confident that you’ll like it. And also, for the huge majority of men, the prospect of failure is their most painful feeling. In other words, your man is probably worried that if he tries something, he’ll see signals that he didn’t get it right . . . and he knows that will hurt.

So how can you move forward from your Valentine’s Day disappointment and take steps that can inspire positive change in your man in the romance department? Here are four ways to give him the encouragement and confidence he needs to up his romantic game.

Recognize his romantic intentions.

The first step is fine-tuning your awareness. What you interpret and define as romantic might be different than your husband. For a man, enjoying “play time” with his partner—just spending time together, whether watching TV, sharing an activity, or going somewhere together, is truly romantic. So, don’t always be looking for flowers and candlelight. Expand your definition of romance, and key into his.

Give him a chance to practice.

Though he may feel tentative and uncertain, your appreciation will foster boldness on his part to continue his efforts. Translation: don’t tease him for not quite getting the right amount of cheese on the pizza he tried to make from scratch for dinner, or for picking a sports bar when he planned a date night out. As you show only appreciation and withhold criticism, he’ll be more confident. And at that point, you’ll have the foundation to give feedback that won’t be seen as criticism. (“I love this sports bar—so fun! Since we’ve come here three times in a row, you know what I’d love at some point? A seafood place on the lake or something. That would be cool, too.”) As he sees what you like, you’ll enjoy more experiences that are tailored to your likes & dislikes, and he’ll develop confidence that he’s pleasing you. That’s a win-win!

Appreciate romantic gestures of all sizes.

Make sure your man knows that every experience doesn’t have to top the last one! Guys can get paralyzed by that idea. Make sure he knows that a spontaneous outing to get ice cream (“just because!”) can have as much impact as an over-the-top effort planned months in advance. Remember, even your man’s smallest act of kindness demonstrates how much he loves and cares for you.

Entice him.

The icing on the cake to encourage your man’s romance will be flirtatious interactions with you—the kind that both inspire and reflect romance. If you’ve been together for a while, it’s possible that you’ve settled into a kind of friendly companionship. Be the sultry soulmate again. Make yourself the kind of friend—both outside the bedroom and in it—that your man constantly wants to pursue. For most men, sex is a big part of romance and it means being close to you on all levels. And what’s more romantic than that?

Wherever your husband falls on the romance scale, it’s a pretty sure bet that he wants to please you. Recognize that about him and appreciate his desire and efforts toward romance—and you’ll see more romance in your relationship . . . on Valentine’s Day, and every other day of the year.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

How To Inspire More Romance From Your Manby Shaunti Feldhahn Husbands, Here’s How To Do Real-Life Romanceby Shaunti Feldhahn Keep Holding On . . . God Can Use Our Weaknessesby Shaunti Feldhahn Let’s Bring Kindness Back! Here’s How To Startby Shaunti Feldhahn Male-Bashing Is Really No Joke!by Shaunti Feldhahn

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Husbands, Here’s How To Do Real-Life Romance

Hey guys, here’s a heads-up: Valentine’s Day is less than a week away. You might already be well aware of that and have been wracking your brain trying to come up with something extra special to give your wife this year. Or maybe you think Valentine’s Day is a big racket invented by the greeting card companies and you’re feeling frustrated that you’re supposed to come up with something “romantic” to do year after year. It’s also quite possible that you’re thinking “Uh-oh!” because you’ve totally forgotten about it in the crush of post-holiday season catch-up at work.

Wherever you stand on Valentine’s Day, know this: whether we’re celebrating a holiday or not, your wife needs to feel loved and romanced by you. Every day of the year, she needs to know that she is your one and only, that you’d choose her again. Very simply, she needs to know that you love her.

It might surprise you to know that your wife doesn’t feel forever loved and happy just because you declared your forever love and married her. In fact, 82% of women in our research have an unspoken question about “am I loveable?” and “does he really love me?” that doesn’t go away in marriage.

Your wife is asking that unspoken question every day, and you are answering it “yes” or “no” every day—whether you realize it or not.

Answering that question “yes” in the little things of life—on Valentine’s Day and every day—is the way to truly romance your wife and make her feel secure and happy.

Here are four ways to do that.

Real-Life Romance Action #1: Continue to go on dates.

You might have thought you were off the hook for initiating the date nights out or other activities that were designed to win her over before you were married. But you’re not! She’s a smart woman, and she has realized that the best way to ensure that your attention is pulled away from the house/kids/yard/work and focused on the two of you, is to have time together. That makes her very happy.

Having dinner with your small group from church, taking her to a company party, or going out to breakfast with the in-laws is great, but isn’t a date. She needs (and deserves) your undivided attention. Set aside schedules and projects for a few hours. Escape the busyness of life and just enjoy being together.

The good news is: dates with your wife don’t have to be extravagant, complicated, or meticulously planned. They can be simple, casual, and inexpensive; matching your schedules to grab lunch together, meeting for coffee while little Jessica is at ballet, or getting a babysitter and going to a movie. Dating your wife is an investment that pays big dividends in the long-term health and happiness of your marriage.

The important thing is that your wife feels special, pursued, and loved. Because of her hidden vulnerability, your wife’s “I do” will always mean “Do you?” Dating her keeps her answering it well.

Real-Life Romance Action #2: Spend time together, regardless of what you’re doing.

It turns out that spending time together strengthens your marriage, no matter what you are doing.

This is where breakfast with the in-laws or dinner with your friends from church does count. This is where doing a hobby together, sitting on the couch and watching TV, or hiking with the kids does make a difference in your marriage. In fact, spending time together is a powerful predictor of a happy marriage, according to survey respondents from the research for my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. Survey results showed that 83% of “very happy” couples spent time together at least weekly.  

Finding ways to connect and strengthen the friendship between the two of you will always make your wife happy.

Real-Life Romance Action #3: Put down your phone, turn off the TV and listen to her—so it’s obvious that you’re listening.

Want a quick “wow” from your wife? When she starts sharing something important about her day or is telling a story about how her sister stood her up for lunch again, stop what you’re doing, put your attention on her, and listen.  

Make a point of showing her that your attention is on her. For example, if she’s upset about something that happened at work, sit down at the kitchen table instead of continuing upstairs to change out of your work clothes.Pull out a chair and sit and listen—and pull out a chair for her as well. Put your phone on the counter, so you aren’t distracted. She will feel very loved.

Real-Life Romance Action #4: Do the little daily things that say, “I would choose you all over again.”

You chose a wonderful woman to be your wife. She needs you to keep choosing her. And you can do that with the simplest actions. Like putting your arm around her in church. Like taking her hand when you are crossing a parking lot. Like calling her for no reason, just to say hi. Like apologizing when you’ve been in a funk and reassuring her that the two of you are okay. Like sending her a text message during the day that says, “I was just watching some drama play out at work and feeling so grateful for how kind and generous you are. I really scored when I met you. I love you.” We promise: she will screenshot and save that text message.

The good news is: even if you hadn’t realized how vital these actions are to making your wife feel loved, now you know. They are super simple. You can start right away. And what better time than Valentine’s Day? Review this list again and think about the specific ways you will give your wife the gift of real-life romance—of love, security, and happiness—on Valentine’s Day… and every other day of the year.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Keep Holding On . . . God Can Use Our Weaknesses

I heard someone recently joke that we are now in Season 3 of the pandemic and wow, doesn’t that feel ridiculously accurate? It’s understandable that so many of us feel worn down, weak, fed up and discouraged. But there are also other “seasons” we’re caught up in—whether with struggling relationships, being out of work, a sick child, etc.—and I think we sometimes forget what it feels like to just not be . . . well, exhausted. The other day, my pastor said, “Many of us are limping into 2022,” and I thought to myself Yep, that about describes it.

Yet I’m also constantly reminded that it’s when we feel most discouraged and worn down, that God most wants us to have hope! As Romans 5:3-4 puts it, we can “rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.”

As we continue moving forward in this “Season 3” of ours—or whatever season you find yourself in—let’s anticipate the ways God will use these times to help us grow stronger in endurance, character, and hope.

As just one example, enjoy the following excerpt from my devotional, Find Peace, about a difficult season for my son, Luke. And how God, in His infinite goodness and kindness, strengthened him in the most unexpected way. Today, Luke is applying to college mechanical engineering programs. He went from desperation to hope. We can, too.

Adjusting To The New Normal

It had been a hard day for our seventh-grade son. Many days were. As Luke adjusted to living with epilepsy, his brain had constant “spikes” of abnormal electrical activity. They interfered with normal processing. And further, the medicine that prevented bodily seizures also slowed down his processing speed. So subjects that used to come easily were now huge challenges. He had to learn to read again. To learn on his own what other kids learned in class. To keep his motivation up while working twice as hard for worse grades, often wrestling through simple homework long after others were done for the day.

He rarely complained. But there were moments when the dam broke. When he felt stupid. When the long road in front of him hurt his heart. And his tears hurt ours.

On this particular day, I felt so helpless to know how to encourage him. But then Jeff put his arm around our son’s shaking shoulders and said, “Bud, do you remember that movie we saw last week, Cinderella Man?”

Strengthening Your Left Hand

That movie tells the story of real-life boxer James J. Braddock, who lived during the Great Depression. Boxing allowed him to put food on the table. In the ring, he wasn’t as effective with his left hand, but he was a powerhouse with his right. Then, tragedy: He broke his right hand. His career was over. He was now competing with thousands of other desperate men for very few day laborer jobs. His family was going hungry. So he hid the fact that his right hand was broken to get steady work at the docks. It was excruciating and exhausting, but each day he would grit his teeth and do most of the work one-handed.

Long after his broken right hand had healed, his old manager approached him to take part in a token fight. Everyone knew he had no chance, but it was a paycheck, so Braddock accepted—and was as shocked as everyone else when he easily won. All those excruciating months of work at the docks had unexpectedly made his “weaker” left hand very strong. It had made him into a champion.

Jeff told our son, “Buddy, that is like what you are going through. These hard things are strengthening you in ways you can’t imagine right now. You are having to face things that most people will never face. You are holding up under a burden that would crumble most kids. But you know what? Other kids have their own burdens that you will never have to face, either. Everyone has something. But that is what God uses to build our character. This . . . this is building your left hand.”

We Can Rejoice In Our Suffering

When we or a child are in pain, it is easy to dwell on the “broken right hand.” Oh, how we want to be spared the hardship and the tears. Braddock would never have chosen the pain he walked through, just as we would never choose to experience ours—or allow our kids to experience theirs. And yet God is wiser than we are. Braddock’s story gives us a glimpse of why God tells us to “rejoice in our sufferings.” Those hard times we would never have chosen will produce endurance, character, and a hope that we would never trade.

Two and a half years after that conversation, Jeff and I had tears streaking our cheeks for a different reason. At the year-end awards ceremony, Luke was called onstage for not one but two academic medals. Medals he earned not really that year, but during those hard months and years before. Those months when he had stayed inside working so hard, trying to figure out how to learn things again, and not losing hope while he did it—strengthening his left hand.

Excerpt taken from Shaunti’s devotional Find Peace from iDisciple Publishing 

Have you already received your copy of Find Peace? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Let’s Bring Kindness Back! Here’s How To Start

The other day, as I was hunched in front of my laptop, feverishly trying to meet a book deadline, I noticed an Amazon delivery guy out the window. He smiled as he caught my eye, put a package on the front step, and waved goodbye as he hurried back to his vehicle.

It was a 10-second moment of kindness in a pretty stressful week, and it actually reminded me of one of my favorite Amazon ads this past holiday season. The ad shows a sad young woman who is noticed by her older neighbor. In the quick montage of scenes, we learn that the older woman loves birds: she feeds them from a bench in front of their apartment building. She orders a gift online for her lonely neighbor, and we next see the younger woman entranced by birds flitting around the new birdfeeder on her balcony. She sees the older woman across the way on her own balcony and mouths “Thank you,” with a smile. The final scene shows the two women sitting together on the bench.

The tagline for the ad is “Kindness. The greatest gift.” Nicely done, Amazon.

We desperately need more kindness in the world. Desperately. You probably agree with that statement. And yet in order to get there, there are some absolutely crucial changes that must be made in our culture, our social media, and our communities. And what we may not realize is: they all start with the person looking in the mirror every morning.

Let’s look at several steps that we need to grapple with.

Step #1: We must realize . . . we’re not as kind as we think we are!

Our research for The Kindness Challenge found that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem. (And believe it or not, that is only a slight exaggeration! We found that if you want a better marriage: be kind. Better leadership at work? Be kind. Be a better parent? Have a better sex life? More fun with your in-laws? Be kind.) 

The problem is: we already think we ARE kind! 

Yet the moment any of us start the kindness initiative we researched a few years ago (the 30-Day Kindness Challenge), we soon realize: “Oh wowwww. I’m not as kind as I thought I was!” We suddenly realize that every day we exhibit so much unkindness without realizing it—for example, maybe we have the habit of pointing out the flaws in the way something was done, rather than calling out positive and praiseworthy things. Maybe we have made sarcasm such a habit that we simply don’t realize those we love are withering under our witty banter. Maybe we don’t even notice that we roll our eyes at our kids’ “drama.” (Oy. Even as I write this, I’m cringing at how often my own kids have seen that look.)

Thankfully, our research uncovered three daily actions that are really, really effective at opening our eyes to those things. These three daily actions make up what we call the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and they are absolutely transformative to our relationships—and ourselves.

Step #2: We need to try the 3 steps of the 30-Day Kindness Challenge

Here are the three daily elements that our research found makes all the difference, if you do them for someone with whom you want a better relationship. That could be a troubled relationship you want to fix or a good relationship you want to make better! And pick just one person to do this for—that is essential. You can always do your second needy child or your other difficult colleague as the next 30 days!

You may think these sound simple—and they are. But once you try them, you will also begin to see your child, or colleague or spouse—and yourself—in a whole new way.

First, say nothing negative about the person you choose. And that means saying nothing negative to them but also about them to someone else. This may seem easy. And obvious. But when we focus on not saying anything negative, we realize just how often we may let things slip out of our mouths—or in our body language—that are not the nicest!

Second, find one thing to praise each day and tell them. Then take it a step further and tell that positive thing to someone else (this is the best kind of gossip!) Often, as we do this, we realize how infrequently we praise or say something positive. Even if we think positive things about our person, so frequently we just don’t say them out loud! Here’s our chance to share it—and also get in a good habit of seeking and finding the good in not just our person, but others in general.

Third, do a small act of generosity for your person every day. What will make them smile? What small thing can you do that will help their day go more smoothly? Or what would be a treat? Can you send a text in the middle of the day letting them know you were thinking of them and it made you smile? Can you speak up to praise your difficult colleague in an important meeting?

Step #3: If appropriate: record your words of affirmation each day and share them as a gift

As you do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, you’ll be finding things to verbally affirm or praise about this particular person you care about. If it is a relationship in which this would be appropriate (for example, a spouse or child), try secretly recording those words of affirmation each day in a journal or notebook that you can later give to that person as a special gift.

Based on our research, you will find yourself beginning to appreciate that person more and more as you not only see those positive things, and say those positive things, but remember them as well.

Not only will you have the experience of watching your relationship with this person blossom and grow over the 30 days; at the end of that month you’ll have the priceless experience of watching their face as they open a present they will keep for a lifetime. A written record of you—day after day after day—contemplating the wonderful things you appreciate, love and value about them. 

We encourage you—if you want more kindness in the world—start with the person standing in your shoes. And if you feel a stirring that you should do this, don’t let it pass. You can do it on your own, but we definitely recommend that you sign up for 30 days of reminder emails and tips at the 30-Day Kindness Challenge today. I promise it will be life-changing. Join us at jointhekindnesschallenge.com now.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Male-Bashing Is Really No Joke!

Do you have a faithful, capable, responsible man in your life? A husband, a father, a co-worker? Like me, you probably know quite a few men who embody those qualities! Because they’re all around us—men who care and provide and love their families well.

But if you watch TV, movies or follow social media, you might think there’s a scarcity of mature, wise men out there. Because there’s an awful lot of criticism and mocking of men in our culture. Men are frequently depicted or ridiculed as being clueless, laughably incompetent, or wildly immature and irresponsible. I don’t know about you, but I find it discouraging, frustrating and, to be honest, even infuriating.

Let me share a (sadly) cringe-worthy example. I was heading to the airport to speak on a Christian women’s cruise. (Hardship duty, I know.) On the radio, a woman on a bank commercial was saying something like, “Girl, I don’t have time to worry about my banking. I mean, I have two kids—well, three if you count my husband!”

Having spent so many years on the research for For Women Only, and having seen the surprisingly sensitive hearts that beat inside the men and boys in our lives, it made me mad. Why is it okay to bash men?

When I boarded the cruise and first spoke at a workshop for about 500 women, I mentioned that radio ad. It was fresh on my mind, and a concrete example of how our culture so easily disrespects men, and how painful it is to our men. That night, I gave a different talk to the entire boat of about 1500 women. As I left the stage, the singer for the evening walked on. The first words out of her mouth? “I’m so happy to be with you all! My name is so-and-so, I’m from such-and-such city, and I’ve got three kids—four if you count my husband.”

You could hear a third of the crowd gasp, as the oxygen was sucked out of the room. Right in front of us, we witnessed how easily—without thinking about it—we can make “jokes” that are actually cruel and male-bashing. Even in the church. Even from a wonderful, godly leader.

What is the impact of these kinds of remarks on the men in our lives? And how should we respond? Read on to learn more.

These Comments Hurt Men And Boys

Women often miss these statements. But men hear (or see) these sentiments of inadequacy and idiocy multiple times a week. And they either make their skin crawl or make them feel beaten down constantly.

And ladies—it’s not just impacting our husbands. Think about what our sons are absorbing about themselves. We want a society of strong, capable men—but we raise boys who are told over and over again that they are worthy of ridicule. It is absolutely damaging and dangerous. For men, whose self-doubt is a deep and hidden characteristic, what we think of as throwaway comments can truly cause anguish. Our sons absorb these messages too, both spoken and unspoken.

There’s a better way.

A Little Kindness Goes A Long Way

In our society, kindness needs all the help it can get. One simple act can make a difference: when you see disrespect in a joke or comment, call it out. Speak up when you see male-bashing. And boost the signal when you see examples of men being praised and respected in the right way. Share commercials and videos that honor men, not tear them down.

For example, we recently shared a story about a group of men getting involved to improve the conditions at their local high school—a great example of men stepping up to lead with integrity. These are the kinds of depictions that accurately and respectfully honor the men around us who are not just doing their best, but doing good.

Let’s be honest: it is probably easier to be destructive than constructive. But making the real effort—and recognizing the work of others—can help reverse the tide of unintentional (and, unfortunately, sometimes intentional) disrespect toward men. And make us far more appreciative of our men and boys at the same time.

So let’s be the antidote to male-bashing in our culture by highlighting the praiseworthy behavior and examples of good, strong, wise men in our own corner of the world.

And if you are feeling a bit convicted about how you’ve been speaking to your husband or son (or about what others have been hearing you say), check out the 30-Day Kindness Challenge. It is one of the best methods we’ve ever seen for stopping bad verbal habits and building great ones—with statistically proven, life-changing results in the relationships of the people who participate.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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We Are All Important to God’s Plan

I’ve always been intrigued by Rube Goldberg machines—watching a complex series of items working together to form a simple task. They’re captivating to watch and you’ll find one of my favorites in an excerpt from my devotional, Find Rest. I hope you feel encouraged that God is using each of us for His purposes!

All Parts Are Necessary For The Designer’s Ultimate Purpose

Honda put out a remarkable commercial in the 2003 called “Cog.” You can see it here. In the ad, a team disassembled a Honda Accord and put the individual parts into a domino-like setup, all starting with one simple, small cog. The cog slowly rolls down a decline, which then sets the chain reaction going—using car parts such as tires and pistons, windshield wipers, coils, and other doodads that most of us never even knew existed!

This 120 seconds of masterful planning ends with the key fob being pushed to close the trunk of a fully assembled Accord, and the phrase “Isn’t it nice when things just work?”

There were many far simpler ways to close the trunk of the car. One person could’ve just pushed the key fob button. Done. But the point was not just to close the trunk: it was to get all the parts involved in a precise way. The big visible car parts and the small “what is that thing called?” parts were all necessary for the designer’s ultimate purpose.

God Chooses To Use Us To Accomplish His Plans

Life is kind of like that when you’re a Christ follower. We all know God could take care of any issue, problem, or situation in the world. He could just “push the button” and do it all Himself. He doesn’t have to use anyone in His divine plans.

But that’s not how He works. Amazingly, our God has made every one of us important to His purposes. He has made each of us members of the body of Christ. And He uses us to accomplish His work.

When Have You Felt The Nudge?

Think about the times you felt a quiet nudge to offer compassion or encouragement, whether it was as simple as smiling at someone who looked like they were having a hard day or patiently holding the door for the elderly lady who was moving slowly. Maybe you felt like you should bring a meal to someone who was sick, or you realized you were in a position to be a friend to someone who was lonely or in need of advice. Perhaps you even felt a sobering sense that you had to lovingly challenge someone’s destructive behavior.

Whatever it was, you were doing your part in God’s purposeful display of His goodness to the world. So whenever you feel those nudges, listen. You may feel inconsequential but step out anyway. God uses us all—small parts, big parts, and those parts in between—to accomplish His will.

Excerpt taken from Shaunti’s devotional Find Rest from  iDisciple Publishing 

Have you already received your copy of Find Rest? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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