Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 22

Leader Lifeline: AACC Plenary Exclusive

Recently I gave a plenary talk at the American Association of Christian Counselors World Conference (AACC) and I thought I would summarize some of the things I shared there in order to help and encourage you.

In talking with many of you, I have learned that the topics of money and sex can be a struggle as you work with people in your care. But in my research, I have often seen that the big technical issues aren’t what makes a difference in a relationship. It’s not the big scary stuff. It turns out that there are many emotional and relational factors inside of us that we don’t even know are there. So it’s about more than the issue that couples are coming in with—it’s about what’s underneath the issue. I want to invite you to help couples lean in and work on that.

More information about sex is coming soon, but for now we will focus on money. It’s really easy when money issues arise to think, “This isn’t really in my wheelhouse. I’m not a financial planner.” So you may find yourself directing a couple to Dave Ramsey or another money management course, which helps with the actual finances, but not necessarily the marriage. The good news—the bottom line of all our research—is that beneath the presenting financial issues there are emotional, spiritual, and communication issues at play. And those issues are in your wheelhouse. You can help couples work through whatever their issue is by facilitating a meaningful connection between them around it. And there are two steps to doing that.

Step One: Be the right kind of person.

It’s not what you do, it’s who you are as a helper. That means being a person of integrity who is disciplined and able to withhold judgment. It’s being the person who can sit comfortably in the tension that the couple has in front of you. You don’t need to be the one who provides the answers, but the one who helps a couple lean into each other with grace and with curiosity. When you’re talking about money, you’re making sure that you do it without taking sides.

Being the right kind of person also means staying in your lane. Many of you have been trained really well as pastors, as lay caregivers, or as marriage and family therapists or coaches. And you do what you’ve been trained to do very well. My invitation is for you to do just that. When a couple comes in and they want you to tell them what to do—or, more commonly, they want you to tell their spouse what to do—your task is to get them to lean toward each other. If you let them pull you into their conflict, or if you feel like you have to provide all the answers, you’ll lose focus. You’ll get into territory you don’t belong in, and you may wind up doing some damage. So the invitation is to stay in your lane and do what you’ve been trained to do.

Step Two: Be prepared to get them talking about the real issues that are going on inside.

This means helping them understand what’s really going on, discovering what is below the surface that’s influencing the topic at hand. Here are three of our research findings you can apply right away to help you move forward.

Couples don’t talk well about money, and they need that skill desperately. You may want to sound brilliant with an answer that makes the couple believe that the time or money spent with you is worth it. In reality, it is far more important to step back and get them leaned into each other, coaching them on how to communicate more effectively. Our surveys told us that 77% of couples can’t talk about money well. Only 23% of couples can. And guess who takes the Dave Ramsey courses or other financial management courses—it’s generally that 23% who can already talk about money pretty comfortably. When you are invited to work with the 77% that need help being able to talk about money, you can do that.

One of the big findings from our study was that if couples could talk about money well, it was protective of the relationship, they had fewer money tensions, and the tensions they did have weren’t always the big ones, the ones that were the most dangerous. Effective communication can keep them from focusing on the problems that are going on and focus their attention on where the real issues lie.

The problem that you’re seeing in front of you isn’t really the problem. If a couple is having tension around money, it’s not really about the money. It’s about how money makes each spouse feel. It’s about a host of worries and fears and beliefs about how money should work and a lot of other things that are running underneath the surface that people don’t even know are there. So don’t get caught up initially on whether there’s a budget. Address the layer underneath that’s causing the tensions around money. If you’re the average small group leader or pastor, you can handle helping them connect by understanding what those issues are.Understanding the underlying factors can really promote understanding between a couple. When we did our study we found five key underlying factors, but I’ll just share one of them here. Often one spouse isn’t valuing what the other spouse is valuing, and this is one of the top reasons for friction.

Here’s an example. One spouse thinks it’s obvious that it’s important to have a vacation every year, to be able to get away and reconnect. They think money should be going into savings for that trip. Meanwhile, the other spouse is thinking that they need to coordinate connecting regularly as a couple. So to them it seems obvious that they need to be saving money to pay for date nights every two weeks. Are either of those right or wrong? No, they’re just different. We need to realize each spouse is a different human, and they’re going to care about different things. And what one spouse cares about is just as legitimate as what the other spouse cares about.

My husband Jeff used to think when I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal instead of water at a restaurant that I just had a character flaw. We all have a tendency to think like that instead of realizing that we simply value different things. And this becomes a key piece of the puzzle. (Now, there is a caveat here. This doesn’t apply to things like gambling addictions that objective observers would say is wrong.) In most cases, there’s no right or wrong, and there is a great amount of power in being able to say, “You know what? I’m going to honor what matters to my spouse.” Imagine if a counselor or a pastor or small group leader or a friend could get them to look at what the other person said and honor that even if they disagree. Just honoring each other and seeing those things would increase intimacy and reduce defensiveness. At that point, working on the marriage isn’t saying, here’s the percentage that you should spend on entertainment. Instead, you’re helping them understand each other.

Your help in the area of money can bring a lot of healing to the couples in your care. And you are very well equipped to help with money issues, even if you might have wanted to avoid it before. Trust the couple, and trust what you all are doing together. It really is a joint venture, one in which you don’t have to step in with all the answers. You can work on drawing them together and allowing them to use the topic of money to pursue intimacy with each other. A financial planner might be able to help them with a budget, but you can help them experience a shared understanding and increased intimacy as they come together as a couple around money.

Next Steps: Check out our new short online course for leaders, Helping Couples Around Sex & Money.
What a quick primer on what we found in the Thriving in Love & Money research? Download the one-sheet.
Visit ThriveInLoveAndMoney.com for more tools!

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Shaunti’s Health Update: October 2021

Today we are sharing an exciting update from Shaunti about her cancer journey.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Shaunti’s Health Update: October 2021by Shaunti Feldhahn 4 Reasons Why Men are Drawn to Watching Sportsby Shaunti Feldhahn The Surprising Trick to Creating a Positive Cycle with Your Spouseby Shaunti FeldhahnLittle Things Make A Big Difference in Marriageby Shaunti FeldhahnDoes Your Husband Shut Down When You Ask Questions? Here’s Whyby Shaunti Feldhahn

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4 Reasons Why Men are Drawn to Watching Sports

Anita can’t wait for game days. She and her family suit up in their team gear (even the baby… even the dog!), prep special snacks, and set everything else aside to ride the roller-coaster of the game, cheering their team through to the finish. Win or lose, it’s a shared passion, family ritual, and fun time spent together.

Donna, on the other hand, dreads game days. She doesn’t give a hoot about football (or any other sport for that matter) and knows nothing about the game. But she does know that her husband will “disappear” for hours, glued to the screen watching the big games (there couldn’t be just one?) while she feels ignored and abandoned, responsible for accomplishing the day’s chores all by herself.

Wives, who do you relate to more: Anita or Donna? While there are lots of Anitas out there who love football and share the life of an impassioned spectator with their mates, many other women totally feel Donna’s pain. They resent those three (or ten) hours every Saturday (and Sunday… and Monday…) when their husband parks himself in front of the TV and checks out, leaving her to deal with the parenting and household tasks.

If you feel like you lose your husband to sports this time of year, it might help to know that the game has some legitimate benefits for your husband (and your relationship!). And that knowledge holds the key to a new perspective, a new attitude, and a new way to approach the situation.

Here are four insights that can help you better understand your husband and his love of sports: 

The Game Nurtures Your Husband’s Sense of Well-Being

I used to think that watching football (or basketball or baseball…) was a massive waste of time. But for him, it is not! Neuroscientists have found that watching a competitive activity that you are emotionally invested in stimulates the brain in almost the same way as actually playing it! Our husbands may be years beyond those high school linebacker days that they loved, but as they watch football, their brain quite literally goes right back to that same feeling that they loved back in the day!

In the male brain, there is also a stronger release of testosterone and adrenaline than in the brains of most women. Thus, getting into the game feels good in a way many of us as women just don’t understand.

Certainly, this sense of feeling good is no excuse for him making you feel bad because he has completely checked out of life! There is a balance. Just as he wouldn’t have been able to play football 24/7 without causing himself serious consequences (like flunking high school), he can’t invest in football now 24/7 without serious consequences. Most men of goodwill understand this. (More on what to do about it, at the very end of this article.) But it also makes a huge difference when we understand the important emotional nature of this season.

The Game Gives Him A Key Moment Away

As a working mom who does a lot of traveling for speaking engagements, I have learned that in the middle of keeping 14 plates spinning, I need to find a way to carve out time for self-care. I schedule a breakfast with a friend or “check out” and open a beach-read novel. Or I give myself permission to sit at Chick-fil-A while I’m waiting for my son to finish track practice and read the news and not work for a few minutes.

Your man’s time shouting at his football team may look like the farthest thing from “checking out,” but that is probably what it is. It sets aside the demands of work and home life in order to re-group and gather energy to tackle his responsibilities. As I shared in my book For Women Only, men need time and space before they’re ready to talk about issues and take action. While your husband’s mind is engaged in the game, he’s actually re-charging and gaining strength for his life outside of football. 

Now, to be clear: it is unhealthy for a husband and father to check out of family life for the entire weekend, every weekend. That is a whole other issue, and it could mean that you need to enlist help in addressing this with your husband (such as via a trusted male friend or counselor) in a way that he understands that his absence is actually quite serious for you. But otherwise, think about it: just as we women need time to connect with our friends over coffee or on the phone or to read a novel in the bath, men also need time. For them, taking some time to decompress gives him this much-needed space.

Further, just as you wouldn’t want him constantly knocking on the bathroom door when you were in the bubble bath, asking what your work schedule was, or what to do about this or that thing with the kids, it can be frustrating for him if you regularly interrupt the game to try to have a conversation or remind him about tasks that need to be done. As one man told me, “I’m completely up for those things, but not when it’s 3rd and long. Because that puts me in a position where I either have to risk hurting my wife—which I never want to do—or risk missing the big moments that I’m most watching the game for.” 

The Game Feels Like A Microcosm Of Life

If you aren’t a football fan, the game might not feel that easy to follow. Football involves lots of stops and starts, breaks between plays, and incredibly small steps of progress. But the powerful metaphor of a battle applies to football—and transfers to everyday life. The offense has to take chances, watch for opportunities, and inch forward or make the dramatic play that results in massive forward motion. The defense has to hang tough, protecting their men and preventing the opposing side from making headway. And while the whole team is working together to follow a strategic plan, each player has a role to perform and must do it with excellence and tenacity. 

While football fans seem to be living and dying over a “silly” game, they’re responding to the battle call of life’s challenges. It’s why films like Rudy and Remember the Titans and Friday Night Lights all make the list of favorite football movies of all time—the efforts exhibited in the game resonate in all of us. But they particularly pull on the hearts of men; calling them to the strength and fortitude God designed them to carry. 

Football Creates An Opportunity To Connect

I know what it feels like to be hurt that your husband seems to have no time or attention for you when the game is on. And again, it is not healthy for men to emotionally disappear for entire weekends, the whole season! But please know this: statistically, your man almost certainly cares about you deeply. That means this is simply a matter of being out of balance—and turns the situation into an opportunity to connect.

Take a moment and write down those things you think your husband is probably getting from his engagement in the games. Excitement? Feeling alive? Connectedness with something beyond himself? Then find a time—on a non-football day!—to ask, “I want to understand your heart; is this how you feel?” Then tell him you want him to experience those things—you don’t want him to lack this special time of enjoyment! But then tell him that you know that he loves you and therefore you know that he wouldn’t want you to feel bad so he can feel good. Ask if you can discuss the expectations and hopes that both of you have, so you can come to a plan that works for both of you.

Also, consider whether game time could be an opportunity to spend time with him. That’s what happened with me. I had never been into college football, but Jeff was so into it, I realized it would be far better to sit with him, ask questions, learn the rules, and enjoy his enjoyment, than to get huffy every Saturday for the rest of our lives! And to my surprise: I began to actually enjoy it for myself! Which Jeff absolutely loves. To this day, he still mentions the night I stayed up very late watching ESPN to see the highlights of a few games we missed, even after he was in bed. 

Our research shows that one of the top habits of happily married couples is spending time together. In The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages we share that 83% of couples who rate their marriage as “very happy” hang out with their spouse at least weekly. So by just sitting with your man and hanging out—even if you’re reading a book instead of watching the game!—you’re doing something to strengthen your relationship.  If you’re a game-day dreader like Donna, use these insights to better understand why football (or some other spectator sport) is so important to your man. And then give it a try—hang out with him during the game. Enter into the experience. Over time, you may find yourself becoming more and more like Anita—enjoying the game and bonding with your husband over a shared interest. The time you spend as a couple (or family) rooting for your team can draw you together in an experience of shared enthusiasm and fun that will score major points for your relationship

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

4 Reasons Why Men are Drawn to Watching Sportsby Shaunti Feldhahn The Surprising Trick to Creating a Positive Cycle with Your Spouseby Shaunti FeldhahnLittle Things Make A Big Difference in Marriageby Shaunti FeldhahnDoes Your Husband Shut Down When You Ask Questions? Here’s Whyby Shaunti Feldhahn What I’m Loving Latelyby Shaunti Feldhahn

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The Surprising Trick to Creating a Positive Cycle with Your Spouse

Marriage Trivia Question: Which leads to more satisfaction in marriage? When your spouse listens and comforts you during a bad time? Or when they show their delight when you share some good news? Or even . . . when they listen to a negative situation and try to find the positive in it?

Many of us might instinctively think that comforting our partner in pain has got to be most important, right? After all, it shows we care, it makes our spouse feel loved during a difficult time, and so on. No matter what, we probably assume, we should not risk alienating our spouse by showing positive reactions to negative situations.

Listening and empathizing is important, of course. But some surprising research has found that positive emotional responses toward our spouse—including about a negative experience—may have much more impact on relationship satisfaction in the long run.

So take a look at these fascinating findings and make some immediate adjustments for better marriages!

The Research: What do we respond to more strongly?

In an intriguing 2015 study out of Canada, researchers assessed the marital satisfaction of older couples (married 40 years on average). They then measured the neural brain activity of the wives as they watched their husbands on a video, showing emotion about a shared marital experience—either a negative memory or a positive one. But the researchers were sneaky. The video was intentionally mismarked so that it was opposite to the men’s non-verbal signals. For instance, a husband might be positive and smiling about a happy memory, but the label on the video said he was talking about a negative memory or experience.

Essentially, the women were watching emotional responses that were designed to not match their own feelings.

The researchers wanted to see if these long-married wives demonstrated more neural responses (more impact) of a positive emotion when remembering a negative experience, or vice versa, and whether that related to marriage quality. Ultimately, they were looking for whether responses to emotional disconnect are in any way impacted by a couple’s relationship satisfaction.

And boy did they find it. The greatest neural activity arose when a woman watched her husband showing positive emotion. And this was the case even when she thought he was recalling a difficult marriage experience! Furthermore, these reactions were even stronger in the happier marriages.

So what does this mean for us? There is a clear big-picture reality, and a clear push toward a very practical action step.

The Big Picture: In marriage, viewing things positively creates a positive cycle—and happier marriages

It appears that we are far more strongly activated and drawn in by our spouse’s positivity. Our brains sort of “discount” negative emotions. As the Canadian researchers put it (in their science-speak way!), the women’s brains (especially among the happy wives) “dampen[ed] neural responsiveness to a spouse’s negative [emotions].”  Further, the women also judged their husband’s emotions much more by “positive, rather than negative, nonverbal cues.” Both of those factors existed for women across the spectrum of marital happiness but were stronger among those with greater marital satisfaction.

Other research has found that this type of “positivity impact” holds true for both men and women. A 2006 UCLA study titled “Will you be there for me when things go right?” examined couples’ reactions to positive and negative events on video. It is perhaps not surprising that the researchers found that “feeling understood, validated and cared for during the positive event discussion was strongly and consistently associated with relationship well-being (satisfaction, commitment and love).” What was surprising was that, for the men, only the responses from the positive event discussion projected the well-being of the relationship! For the women, both positive and negative discussion responses projected the well-being of the relationship, but only the positive event discussions estimated relationship well-being for the future.

What do we do as a result of all this?

The Practical Action Step: In marriage, look for opportunities to “rejoice with those who rejoice.”

Most of us have heard the challenge from the Apostle Paul (Romans 12:15) to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Clearly, both are important in friendships, family, community, and marriage. But looking at how God has wired our brains, the clear implication of these two studies (and many others), is to always be looking for opportunities to “rejoice” with your spouse.

There’s an important clarification here: These studies are not saying it’s healthy to try to jolly along an unhappy spouse and try to push aside their feelings. That will certainly backfire and is not what an unhappy spouse needs. But what these studies are saying is that each of us has a power in the life of our spouse that we may not have recognized: that as they share positive news and we get excited with them, we uplift not only them but the marriage.

So friends—listen to your mate. And yes, mourn with them when they mourn—but give special attention to cheering them on and celebrating the good events and experiences that come around.

We all took vows “for better or for worse.” How like God it is to give us such a simple and beautiful way to literally change our brains and our marriages for the better.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

4 Reasons Why Men are Drawn to Watching Sportsby Shaunti Feldhahn The Surprising Trick to Creating a Positive Cycle with Your Spouseby Shaunti FeldhahnLittle Things Make A Big Difference in Marriageby Shaunti FeldhahnDoes Your Husband Shut Down When You Ask Questions? Here’s Whyby Shaunti Feldhahn What I’m Loving Latelyby Shaunti Feldhahn

The post The Surprising Trick to Creating a Positive Cycle with Your Spouse appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Little Things Make A Big Difference in Marriage

Every two years I have the exciting opportunity to go to the World Conference of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) and meet with thousands of people who work tirelessly to support marriages and families. When I’m there (as I was two weeks ago), I want to wrap my arms around them and say, “Thank you!!” Because I’m not a counselor or therapist or marriage mentor, I feel such gratitude for these folks who are the “boots on the ground” to serve couples or individuals in times of deep need. I love being able to (hopefully) serve and equip any of you who serve others. (And if you happen to be reading this as a new subscriber from AACC, welcome!)

So whether you encourage marriages informally as a mentor or friend or work officially as a counselor or pastor, I want to encourage you today. With a simple truth that I’ve seen strongly in our research over the years: that some very small adjustments can make a big difference to transform struggling marriages. To be clear, these small changes can’t “solve” big systemic issues that might be in play (addiction, the effects of childhood abuse, and so on) but they will often make those issues easier to solve. And although in a few cases it is best to wait (for example, in a truly abusive marriage, ensuring safety would come before any of these factors), in most cases you can see some truly astonishing results from simple changes.

Here are a few of those simple things—new information, attitudes, and actions—that will help you do that!

Break Down the Damaging “Complexity Myth”When you’re working with couples on a regular basis, you probably look out over your congregation—or across the coffee shop table at a friend in crisis—and wish you could do something to give hope to confused or discouraged couples. Well, one of the most effective things you can do is also the most simple: to knock down the subtle but widespread myth that marriage is utterly complicated and that most problems require serious, long-term intervention to solve. As I’ve interviewed and surveyed more than 40,000 men and women over eighteen years, it is clear that most people subconsciously feel that having a good marriage, or fixing a troubled one, requires a Ph.D. in psychology with a minor in mind-reading.

When things are going great, this belief is dormant; but the moment a couple faces trouble it looms all too large. It becomes easy for those two people to feel helpless and confused in the face of it. That sneaky little belief, in fact, predisposes them to give up all too quickly. Because now they have this hidden (and usually inaccurate) sense that they have years of intensive therapy and struggle ahead, with no certain outcome. It is instantly exhausting and overwhelming.

Share the Hope-Filled Research

Thankfully, our research has found the opposite trend is true! In my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we studied what happy couples do differently. It was clear that having a great marriage or healing a broken one is usually dependent on the little things, not the big ones! For example, one gold-standard study by multiple respected researchers found that the simple act of “divorce is not an option” commitment alone led eight in ten of the most troubled marriages to becoming very happy if the couple stuck with it for five years!

Hundreds of marriage therapists I’ve interviewed have confirmed that most marriage breakdowns are not caused by what you might call the deep, systemic big-ticket problems—for example, by one spouse being a blackout alcoholic or having been sexually abused as a child. Those tragic situations do exist, but they don’t cause the majority of marriage problems.

Instead, most husbands and wives deeply care about each other (more than 99% in our survey) and are trying very hard—but they don’t realize that they are trying hard in the wrong areas, so they aren’t making the other person feel cared for in the way they think they are. Or they don’t realize they are doing something that is hurting their spouse. Or they are holding on to hurt and unforgiveness instead of looking at the very real positives in their spouse. The hurt feelings spiral, as each person starts believing that the other person “just doesn’t care,” and they subconsciously begin to see everything in that light. All too soon, things seem dark; they helplessly feel like they are at the bottom of a deep pit and they don’t know how to get out.

Imagine the relief for these people once you to show them that there isn’t actually a pit at all! It’s more like a dark room, and they simply need to open the door. Yes, they may have to change some actions and habits of thought, learn some key things about their mate’s unseen needs and insecurities. They also may need to be completely one-sided for a while if their spouse has “checked out.” But in most cases, some small day-to-day actions will end up making a huge difference. So what are some of those?

Try a Few Small Changes That Lead To Big Results

Here are just three small actions you can recommend to a troubled couple, that are likely to deliver some big results and instill some much-needed hope in a fairly short period of time:

Tell the wife to look for things for which she can say “thank you.” We have seen over the years that in most cases (although not all), where women most doubt they are loved, men most doubt that they are competent and respected.  The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages  research was clear that a wife’s sincere appreciation for the little day-to-day things he does (“thank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside”) makes him feel, down deep, she cares about me. Once we truly believe the other person cares, that helps solve (or prevent) bigger problems. (Ladies, if you want more, this blog explains the magic of “thank you,” and this video course will show you exactly how to understand your husband and get to the relationship you want.)

Now, that said, of course there is a corresponding need on the women’s side! Which leads to simple action #2.

Tell him to reassure her that “we’re okay” when they are having an argument (especially if he has to pull away to process)—and to show “you’re mine” affection when they aren’t. Because most women have a subconscious “would he choose me all over again?” insecurity, some painful feelings are triggered in conflict, particularly if he pulls away. When he instead says “I need to process, but we’re okay” it reassures her at a deep level. And for most women, if he does things like take her hand, put his arm around her in church, or reach over and gently rub her neck when watching a movie, it builds a sense of being treasured and loved, which builds a sense of certainty under the surface. The daily certainty that he would choose her all over again then helps prevent that insecurity from being triggered in the first place. (Guys, if you want more tips on how to do that, look at this article, or this short video course on simple ways to understand your wife and make her happy.) When hurt, tell each spouse to look for a more generous explanation and act as if that is the real one—because it probably is. Now, it is important to note that this is the case for the vast majority of marriages, not abusive ones. But it is astonishingly important for everyone else. In our research, we found that one of the most important things the “highly happy” spouses did differently was refusing to believe the worst of their mate’s intentions toward them.If someone thinks “He knew how that would make me feel, and he said it anyway”, that translates to “he doesn’t care” and it’s downhill from there. But in truth more than 99 percent of people deeply care about their spouse—and a huge reason why some couples are struggling is that one or both partners doesn’t believe it. If they change their assumption to “I know he loves me; he must not have known how that would make me feel”, everything about their response—and the pattern of their marriage—will be different.

So as a basic starting point, encourage a couple to try those three simple things for a few weeks and see what happens. Yes, some marriages face big problems that are extremely complex to solve, but those thankfully are rare. In most struggling marriages, whatever their issues actually are, a couple needs to see that they can accomplish a great deal with a few simple changes; and that gives them the hope that having a good marriage might not be so hard and complicated after all.

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Does Your Husband Shut Down When You Ask Questions? Here’s Why

As a newlywed, Terri stumbled across an aspect of marriage that she just couldn’t figure out. Well, actually, it was really her new husband Wade that she couldn’t figure out.

Terri is a curious person; she likes to ask questions and talk things through. Wade always seemed to love that about her. But a few months into marriage, he seemed to get more and more annoyed by it. When Terri would try to brainstorm lots of different options for the upcoming vacation he was planning, or talk through alternatives for a particular decision, he would shut down.

It came to a head when the transmission in their car died. They needed to decide whether to replace it or buy a new vehicle. A day later, Wade said, “I think there are years of life in the car; let’s replace it and keep going.” Terri said, “Okay, but let’s look at what the car guides say about whether a new transmission is worth it. And maybe you should ask Franklin (a friend from church who was a mechanic) what he thinks?”

“Fine, you do that. I’ll let you handle it from here.” Wade walked out of the room, his face tight.

“What did I say?” Terri thought. I was just trying to help! Then she started to get mad. Am I not allowed to provide input or ask questions when decisions need to be made, without him getting all upset? If he wants a doormat wife, he picked the wrong woman!

If you’ve ever seen your man shut down when you think you’re just asking questions or giving helpful advice, here’s some of what might be going on—and some ideas for what to do about it.

A man’s shift into anger or withdrawal often signals that he is feeling a specific emotional pain

Let’s start with what’s likely under the surface when we see our man shut down in general. Consider these two truths, that we’ve repeatedly seen from interviews and surveys with more than 20,000 men and boys over the last 17 years.

One of the most painful feelings for a guy is the sense that someone thinks he’s inadequate: that someone has looked at what he has said or done and concluded he didn’t do it right. It might sound crazy to us as women, but when a guy feels like he didn’t do something right in the eyes of others, it makes him feel like a complete idiot.When a guy feels like an idiot, he will often get angry and shut down.  

In other words, when a guy walks out of the room with his face tight and says “fine, you handle it,” it’s a giant clue. Something has probably made him feel like an idiot. Even though his wife would presumably have never wanted him to feel that way!

So now to our specific example: why on earth might simple questions cause our man to feel like an idiot? There are two main reasons why. One emotional and one biological.

The emotional reason: Inquisitiveness can feel like The Inquisition

From personal experience (ahem) this is the heart of what confuses many of us. Why does our man get upset when we are just trying to help? We are just trying to have a mutual discussion, ask questions and share feedback, and he reacts as if he’s been attacked.

Well, it’s because even though we don’t think we are attacking, he feels attacked.

There are a lot of different reasons for this (see For Women Only for more), including that our man has a deep desire to be competent at what he does, and a sincere motivation to please us in the process—combined with a deep self-doubt and vulnerability about whether he’s any good at any of it. He’s trying his best, but is nervous that his best isn’t good enough. And because he has that raw nerve under the surface, it is all too easy for him to hear “questions” as “challenges.” So suggestions we think of as harmless (“how about asking XYZ mechanic friend for advice?”) can be heard as implying incompetence (“You need help because you clearly can’t figure it out on your own.”)

Similarly, what we think of as benign requests for information (“Isn’t ABC hotel more expensive than we can afford for vacation?” “Did you ask about whether we can get a refund on the zipline if it rains?”) can be heard as second-guessing his judgment. (And if we are honest with ourselves, sometimes it is.)

Bottom line, our man deeply wants us to trust and believe in him, as a signal that he is worth being trusted and believed in. And yet, a spate of questions and suggestions can essentially “confirm” his fears that he isn’t. Now, thankfully, that doesn’t mean he wants a “yes, dear” doormat (good thing, because I don’t know too many doormat wives!) but it does mean there are some very specific things to keep in mind, if we want a great relationship. (More on that in a moment.)

The irony of all this, is that this painful emotional factor might not ever be triggered were it not for the biological factor.

The biological reason: Someone with an internal process of decision making will likely feel questioned by someone with a verbal process of decision-making

Although this is not the case for every guy, the male brain in general is wired to process things internally before talking about it. Which means by the time a guy says anything (“Let’s fix the transmission and keep the car”), he most likely has spent quite some time thinking it through in detail. In his mind, this is a conclusion; a decision with a lot of thought behind it. He may not always be 100% confident in his decision (see Emotional Reason above!) but in his mind, it is an actual decision.

The problem, of course, is that most women (although, again, not all) are verbal processors, which means that a verbal statement is not a conclusion or decision. Instead, it signals the beginning of a conversation that is a crucial part of thinking things through in order to make a decision.

You can see the train wreck coming, can’t you?

When our man says, “Let’s fix the transmission,” he is conveying a decision into which he put some serious thought. But that announcement is the first we have heard about it! So we ask questions and raise all sorts of issues, because that is how we move our thinking along and eventually reach a thorough decision. Yet for him, our spontaneous verbal feedback can easily come across as “picking something apart.”

More dangerously, because we sometimes casually throw around language like, “Well that’s silly, we should just do it this way,” we can, without meaning to, tell him that after a full day of thinking something through, his conclusion was “silly.”

Either way, he feels disrespected and inadequate. It is painful. And that is why he gets upset and shifts into silent mode.

So what’s the answer? If you are a verbal processor and an inquisitive person, what will allow you to be yourself and ask the questions that you need to ask, without feeling like you are always walking on eggshells—or are at risk of hurting your man.

Let him know you need to “Think out loud”—but try to affirm his thoughts first

The most important starting point is to help your husband understand how you need to process things. At a non-emotional time (not when you’re in the middle of an intense discussion), explain that when you hear his conclusions for the first time, you need to discuss them in order to think about them. Let him know that when you ask questions or throw out alternatives you are in no way picking his suggestion apart, but simply thinking it through externally in the way he has already thought it through internally.

So from then on, once he hears you say, “I just need to think out loud for a minute,” it is on him to believe that that is what you are doing and set aside any potential knee-jerk negative emotion that might arise from it.

But if you want to be sensitive to your man’s vulnerabilities, it is on you to do that in a way that is respectful of the thought he has put in. And one key way to do that is to affirmhim before you start processing. So when your husband says, “Let’s do this,” instead of starting to ask the first thing that comes to your mind, consider always saying something like, “Oh, that’s an interesting idea” or “Thanks for tackling that,” and talking through one or two positive points about his idea before asking questions. This will help signal, right up front, that you aren’t second-guessing him. Then you can say, “I need to think out loud for a minute. You cool with that?”  

One caution: if you find yourself rolling your eyes about the idea that he is “so oversensitive” that he needs his ego stroked, you’ve missed the crucial emotional point underneath it all. Remember, he doesn’t have an ego in the way you think: He wants to do well but has a deep self-doubt. Just as we want our man to be aware of and tender with our own vulnerabilities, this is our chance to do the same for him.

As you can tell, navigating all of this is about mutual respect. Him respecting your need for curiosity and verbal processing, and you respecting his desire to do well by you. We just have to start with recognizing how the other person sees it. So give it a try, have some conversation do-overs if you need to, and enjoy the benefits that come from a greater understanding of each other.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Does Your Husband Shut Down When You Ask Questions? Here’s Whyby Shaunti Feldhahn What I’m Loving Latelyby Shaunti Feldhahn Sports Parents, Here’s What Coaches Want You To Knowby Shaunti Feldhahn A Health Update from Shauntiby Shaunti Feldhahn The REAL Reason Money Causes Issues in Marriageby Shaunti Feldhahn

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What I’m Loving Lately

Gratitude is essential for handling challenging seasons with grace. And since these last few months have been particularly busy and stressful, I thought: let me take my own advice and “think on” those things that are excellent and lovely and worthy of praise right now (Philippians 4:8) – those things that are bringing me joy. Especially since this is a new season with fall arriving, which means cooler temperatures (if you live in the south, you know what I’m talking about!), college football (Go Blue!) and some upcoming speaking events, projects, and a new book to write (more on that soon)!

So in the midst of all that’s happening, here’s what I’m loving right now:

1. Encouragement on the cancer journey

A few weeks ago, I posted a video update on my health and cancer journey. Since then, I’ve been flooded with emails, cards, and notes of encouragement. Both from my followers and from old friends. That sense of support has been one of the strange blessings that has come from my diagnosis. I have been unbelievably touched by hearing from people that I don’t know personally who have been praying for me regularly. Just . . . wow. I’m overwhelmed and grateful for people’s kindness. And it is also so special to re-invigorate a sense of closeness with friends I haven’t spoken to in a long time. (Which is especially important to me because while I have a public social media presence, I’m not really able to use social media to stay connected with old friends.) So these personal messages I’ve received recently have been such a sweet blessing to me.

2. The book When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People by Gary Thomas

I’m not getting anything to promote this – I just wanted to share one of the best books I’ve read in a long time! This book by my friend Gary Thomas has been an invaluable resource to me and my team recently. It is so very easy to get burdened and distracted by challenges from difficult family members, social media attacks from unhealthy people, or even just the rude and entitled rage-monsters that seem to be everywhere in restaurants and on airplanes these days! It is easy to take all of that personally and feel like we need to placate, to spend time responding, to encourage or challenge or soothe. Especially if we are trying to be kind, and “Christ-like.” Yet Gary convincingly shows that if we are dealing with a toxic person, all those efforts are likely only distracting us from the much more helpful and healthy things that God wants us to be focusing on. I had never before noticed that even Jesus walked away from toxic people. He had His eyes on the prize and refused to allow his time to be taken and his emotional energy to be pulled away from the mission and purpose God had for Him.

Anyone who has been spinning their wheels trying to address and respond to the division and toxicity in the culture – or in an individual relationship in their lives – will find a lot of freedom from this book!

3. Downtime with good friends!

This pandemic season has been a strange blessing to me and Jeff as public speakers. On the one hand, it has been difficult to have fewer events (and thus lower ministry revenue) as in-person events still remain “iffy” today. But one true blessing has been the ability to spend more time with friends. Over the last 17 years, the “usual” times to connect with friends (like, “Hey, come over for dinner on Saturday!”) have been few and far between because I’m usually traveling to speak at conferences and church events! So it has been precious to be able to answer “Yes!” when someone says, “Want to go out for lunch after church on Sunday?”

I particularly loved a recent weekend at the beach with close friends who have a condo overlooking the water. And boy, was that needed during this insanely busy season! So while I definitely hope more speaking and ministry opportunities start opening up again soon as places open up again from COVID, I have loved the downtime with friends.

4. These beautiful flowers!

I had breakfast recently to catch up with my sweet friend, Beth Bacall, from 104.7 The Fish. And look what she brought me! How can you not smile when you see a bouquet of beautiful sunflowers?!

5. Kids pressing into God

This one is painful, but I’m including it here because it is much on my heart . . . and is an example of how God takes even things the enemy meant for evil and will use it for good. Last week, there was a terrible car accident involving three boys from my son’s small Christian high school. As I’m writing this, one of the boys is in a coma, on a ventilator, in a neurotrauma ICU unit. As you can imagine, we are all fervently praying for this boy and his family (and the others involved). And this has been an incredibly emotional time for the students and the school family, who all love this boy dearly. We want to protect our kids from this pain, to spare them from this testing of their faith. And yet in this broken world, pain and tests will come. In the middle of this trauma, the students have pressed into God. They have intensely prayed (they kept showing up to pray so much at the hospital that the hospital finally had to ask everyone to pray elsewhere so as to not block up the area for others!). They have created worship playlists for the boy’s mom to play to him as he lies unconscious. They have made meals and donated to a GoFundMe page for expenses. And this week as they gather for a previously scheduled school-wide retreat, they will be wrestling together with trusting God through these challenges of life. As one mom said of this image of students gathering to pray before school, “This is not what these kids are usually doing at 7:40 am before classes start.”

As I said, this one is a painful thing. It is not light and cheerful. But even as I cry for the boy and his family and continue to pray for God’s mercy, I love that God will make Himself known in the dark and tearful places. Not just in the light ones.

Please let me know what things you’re loving these days that help bring joy into your life – even in the dark places. Let’s spread that goodness and gratitude around to each other!

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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Sports Parents, Here’s What Coaches Want You To Know

We’ve jumped into the beginning of a new school year, and that means the start of student sports seasons. The ritual of juggling practice and game schedules, making sure our athletes have the equipment they need, and doing loads (and loads!) of extra laundry begins. And so does the parental camaraderie in the stands and cheering on our kids’ teams through thick and thin.

Unfortunately, most sports parents have found themselves in the uncomfortable situation of witnessing rude behavior by another parent in the stands who has a disagreement with the coach’s strategy or decisions. We’re embarrassed for that parent, for their kid, and for the coaching staff. Those parents who think they know best—and make sure the coach knows it—clearly aren’t modeling good sportsmanship. But in more subtle ways, any of us sports parents can fail to foster good sportsmanship in ourselves and our own kids.

When I witnessed a classic display of rude behavior by a sports parent at a game, I started thinking about what other parental actions might really be frustrating to coaches. What bad lessons might we be teaching our kids—or good lessons we’re failing to teach them—that we don’t even realize?

So I interviewed coaches—and learned a lot about what sports parents and student athletes do that frustrate them. But the coaches also shared things we can do differently to help us as parents both model and teach good sportsmanship to our kids. Here are their top tips.

If your child has a grievance or a need, insist that they talk to the coach before you will .

I heard this over and over. If a student is in middle school or high school, the coach cringes if the parent comes to raise an issue that the coach hasn’t heard about directly from their child.

Why? Well, one of the most important character traits of any person (especially any athlete!) is growing up and taking responsibility for yourself and your actions: to work hard, address things directly, and be willing to work on yourself and your own game wherever needed.

Allowing your teen to hide behind you while you discuss their concern with the coach teaches the opposite lesson: that it is okay to complain, talk about others behind their backs, and expect someone else to fight your battles. Soon enough, the coaches said, the student who learns that lesson will start complaining and whining to the coach and their fellow players: about the other team, those mean referees, that worn out equipment, and then, inevitably, other students on their own team.

As one varsity coach put it, “This isn’t so much for younger kids, but if the athlete is in middle school—and especially in high school!—let the student try to work it out first. Give them the empowerment to grow up. Say ‘You can do it; go talk to the coach first. You handle it, and then if you need my support afterwards, I’ll help.’ A middle schooler will not have tact in how they approach it, and that is okay. It is still important to try. That’s how you learn.”

If your child (or you) has something to say, do not say it right after a game! Help your child learn good judgment about the right time and place to get better results.

As one varsity coach said: “I can guarantee you that immediately after the game is NOT when most coaches want to think about anything you want to share. Set up a meeting.” The coaches mentioned the internal groan they experience when they see a parent (or child) marching toward them with purpose in their eyes, regardless of whether they won or lost.

As one coach said, “Look, even the most calm, steady coach is going to be riled up from the match or the game. And you as a parent are riled up because whatever happened sparked your emotions. You are thinking, ‘I want my baby to play, not sit on the bench!’ or whatever it is. No one is going to be able to process things well in that situation. It is better to calm down, go home, then send an email or text asking for the meeting. You’ll automatically set yourself up for better results, and teach your children an important lesson about being willing to wait rather than having to discuss it RIGHT NOW.”

When you do (or your child does) have that discussion, come prepared, rather than signaling that preparation doesn’t matter . . . and neither does this meeting.

The coaches were unanimous: if you or your child haven’t thought through what you want to share, and how, you’ve signaled that this issue isn’t important enough to you to warrant that step. And you’ve taught your child that they can blunder into important situations without preparation, hoping they will work out . . . which is exactly the opposite of what the coaches are constantly trying to teach the athletes!

As one coach put it, “One young man came in to ask me for a different role on the team. It was a big ask, but it was clear he had thought it through. He had notes written out on his phone, and he systematically went through his list of things he wanted to discuss. It was great. I didn’t immediately agree, and a week later, his dad asked for a meeting, and when he came in with his son, he too had clearly thought things through. I respected that, and it shows they respect my time.” The coach smiled ruefully. “I couldn’t change my decision at this point in the season but I did tell them how much I respected the boy’s passion about this and I promised I would definitely take a look at switching him next year.”

Trust the coach’s decisions and strategy, even if you don’t understand it, rather than defaulting to a mindset of suspicion and fostering that suspicion in your child .

Coaches have many, many different reasons for what they do that parents will not always understand. In part because parents don’t have access to all the information the coaches do, and in part because we are all just different: two different people in the exact same situation might value or decide different things.

All the parents agreed that they shouldn’t accept truly dangerous or abusive behavior. (For example, one coach mentioned a parent who rightly alerted them to an assistant coach’s practice of withholding water breaks as a form of discipline.) But in most cases, the coach needs to be able to make decisions, to experiment, and to do what they believe is best for the team without worrying that parents will be on the phone the next day or rolling their eyes with their kids.

One junior varsity coach told me, “In rec leagues and club sports there is a lot of focusing on drills. It is simply easier, when you have a large number of students, to focus on drills and say, ‘This is the best way to build skills.’ But actually, as long as you have a decent skill base of some kind, we try to minimize the drills and actually do gameplay. It is messy and ugly and chaotic . . . and that’s what the real games often look like! So if we train that way, then when ugliness happens in the game, the students are used to it. But every year I get phone calls from parents whose students played in county leagues or club sports, saying ‘My child is not getting enough of the practice they need to compete, because you’re not running enough drills!’ and I have to spend time on the phone explaining why we do it this way, and encouraging them to not join in with their student when they second guess us. Our students end up being far more prepared because they are not thrown by the tempo and chaos of the games, so eventually the parents come and say, ‘Oh I get it.’ But it is frustrating to have to spend those hours on the front end because the parents default to thinking I’m crazy, rather than the parents defaulting to a position of trust that there IS a reason I’m doing this.”

Support the coach even when your child is upset with them, rather than undermining not just the coach but the team .

Coaches make mistakes just like everyone else. The difference is that a coach needs everyone to follow them, despite mistakes and disagreements, in order for the team as a whole to have the best chance of success . . . whether that means success on the field or success in building the life character of the student athletes.

I heard about one varsity coach whose central starting player did not take direction well. This player was extremely talented, but sometimes ignored the coach’s explicit directions. The next time it happened, the coach benched the player for the rest of the game, which put the game in jeopardy. The player furiously complained to the parent, and the coach was thrilled to hear the parent say, “It was YOU that put the game in jeopardy.”

Another coach told me, “It makes all the difference if the parents decide to trust my decisions, and support me behind my back. Coaches are supposed to be completely unbiased toward all kids, all players, and be team focused. Coaches try as best we can to do what is best for the team. Parents don’t mean to be biased toward their kids, but they are.”

Be the parent, not the coach. You are the only one who can play the crucial parent role .

Finally, no matter how much a parent knows about the game, no matter how great you are at strategy, no matter what fantastic input you have for your child, the coaches wanted you to hear this: there are lots of people who can be a good coach to your child. There’s only one YOU. What your child needs most is for you to simply be there for them. And if your advice or tips or instruction on the game are getting in the way of you playing that crucial support role—especially during and after a game—those things have to go.

One coach was passionate about this. He said, “We need to know that our student athletes have parents in the stands who are going to encourage them during the game. That is so crucial. They need to know their parents are there for them. And after the game, a lot of athletes are going to be emotional, win or lose. What I want parents to hear is this: do not start critiquing your child immediately on the ride home. All the child needs to hear on the ride home is ‘I really enjoy watching you play.’ That is something they need to hear from YOU.” Yes, your kids are learning and practicing a sport—but they’re also learning lessons and developing character that impacts all areas of life. The lessons we help them learn as they pursue their athletic endeavors can have results that reach far beyond the world of sports. Let’s up our own game—and theirs—by both modeling and teaching good sportsmanship, respect for the coach, and the value of being a great team player.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our all-new online resource for Shaunti’s top research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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A Health Update from Shaunti

Hi friends!

When they say cancer is a “health journey”, they aren’t kidding! There have been quite a few twists and turns during these last 8 months since I learned of the breast cancer. And since you wonderful people have been asking, I wanted to share a bit about those twists and turns and give you a short-ish video update!

Bottom line: So far, it is good news about the big picture, even when the “little picture” has sometimes been challenging. I’m so grateful for God’s mercy and for your prayers. For the support of my family and team. For all the notes you have sent in the mail, the encouragement you have posted on social media, or the hugs at events. All of it has carried me through this strange season with a sense of joy and (mostly) equilibrium. And I’m learning a lot. I know God has already used what I’ve been learning to help me better reach others and will continue to. How like our great big God to work all things together for good in the way He promises!

With love to you all!

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The REAL Reason Money Causes Issues in Marriage

(Hint: It’s Not Because You Don’t Have a Budget!)

It was only Orange Chicken. Or was it?

My husband Jeff and I used to have a recurring conflict over Chinese takeout. After a long day of meetings, I would offer to pick up dinner for the family on the way home, only to hear, “Um, that’ll probably be $35 . . . how about I grill the Costco chicken we already have in the fridge instead?”

Such a trivial thing, right? So why did it bug me? And why did it bug Jeff that I would call and ask the question? Why do you get frustrated with your spouse’s money quirks? Maybe they really want to use the envelope system, which you think is annoying, or they are totally willing to pay extra to avoid seeing the ads on Hulu, which you think is a character flaw!

And why do so many couples (hypothetical couples; I ask this for a friend) avoid talking about money whenever possible?

It turns out, the occasional friction so many of us experience around money is not really about “convenience meals,” the envelope system, or a reckless disregard for budgeting. It wasn’t until we conducted three years of research for our newest book, Thriving in Love & Money, that our eyes were opened to the truth that it isn’t about finances at all.

It’s Not About the Money

Here’s the one-sentence summary of the results of thousands of surveys: when we have tension with our spouse around money, it’s not about the money. It’s about how money makes us feel—and makes our spouse feel. It’s about how we process things. About a host of expectations, insecurities, and worries that we don’t even know are there. In fact, our unique perspective on money is so intertwined with how we handle it that it would be shocking if it wasn’t sometimes tricky to come together around finances.

That’s a main reason only 23% of couples can talk well about money. Which in turn is probably why we all think we should have a working budget but only 19% of us actually do! How do you decide on a financial plan if one or both of you gets defensive or is weighed down by feelings that your spouse doesn’t understand you or dismisses your approach to money?

The Solution

Thankfully, as Jeff and I have discovered first-hand, there is a solution that is far simpler than we think.

Our research revealed that three actions dramatically reduce money tensions in marriage:

Step 1: Understand how you and your spouse uniquely respond to money (the “it’s not about the money” stuff).

Step 2: Then, using that knowledge, learn to talk about money with your spouse.

Step 3: Then, take the technical/budgeting steps necessary to build financial cushion.

The reason most of us have difficulty creating a working financial plan—or avoid talking about the plan to begin with—is that we’re taking actions in the wrong order. Unless you and your spouse are already on the same page about money (which two out of ten couples are), most of us simply have to be able to talk well about money before we can plan! And to talk well about money, we have to understand what is going on inside ourselves and inside our partner.

Once that happens, talking about money comes almost naturally—because each of you feel that your spouse has empathy, care, and a desire to honor what matters to you. And the kindness inherent in that approach lowers defenses that may have been up for years.

So What Was Going On With the Chinese Food?

Here’s what Jeff and I realized was going on under the surface whenever we had tension about takeout versus grilling at home.

For me, I was subconsciously calculating the takeout’s value in far more than just dollars, as a way of making our lives better: Jeff and I are exhausted, the kids have been going in all different directions, and if we grill the chicken there will be prep and cooking and clean up and then it’ll be time to start homework . . . so $35 to buy a precious hour of family time? You bet!

For Jeff, who is a classic saver, however, his value was also about much more than those particular dollars: If we spend that money now, that’s money we won’t have to pay for unexpected expenses or retirement, but if we use the Costco chicken, we already have we can still enjoy dinner and save the money—a win-win scenario!

Jeff was looking out for the long-term financial security of our family, while I was trying to create closeness for the family now. We were both seeking our family’s good, but our definitions of “good” were different.

How To Start the Conversation Around Money

And that is how it is for most couples. We aren’t at odds about wanting the best for the family, but our contrasting thoughts, feelings and approaches about finances can make it seem like we are pitted against one another. Thankfully, once we start seeing each other’s heart, everything changes.

So, the next time you find yourself having tension about money, stop and realize: This is not about the money. Look for what it is about—and respond to that. Suddenly, you’ll find money changing from being an opportunity for conflict, to being an opportunity for real connection.

It may feel awkward at first, but (trust us on this!) it gets easier as you go. And remember: whether you end up getting the Orange Chicken or opting for the home-grilled Costco variety, the most important thing is to enjoy it together.

For more tips on how to create unity around finances and thrive in love and money, visit our website thriveinloveandmoney.com to take the free assessment or read more in our book, Thriving in Love andMoney.)

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our all-new online resource for Shaunti’s top research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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