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This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 2)

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Published on February 09, 2023 02:00

This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 2)

Be sure to see Part 1 of this blog. Pass it along to a man you want to encourage – especially a new father!

So now you know the encouraging truth – revealed by a recent study – that the brain of a new father can physically change to increase his competence and confidence at being the dad he wants to be. (And the changes don’t have to be limited to the early years; see Part 1 for more.)

How can a new father unlock this great change? As noted, the central finding appears to be regular, hands-on, early involvement with the baby. But what does that look like?

The new study was the first of its kind and more research is needed to unpack all the practicalities. But we can get started with three good steps – two for dads and one for moms – that will help men jump into their fathering role with confidence.

Step #1 (for Dads): If possible, arrange your life so you can engage with your baby, early and often

New dads: Based on these recent findings, you can view early fatherhood as a crucial window in which your engagement with your baby has an outsized impact. It’s a bit like having a limited-time, use-it-or-lose-it financial windfall. God has apparently wired your brain in such a way that as you spend hands-on time with your newborn during this stage, your brain will rapidly change to literally make you a better dad for the rest of your life. (As noted in part 1, you can foster certain brain changes at other times too–but this particular period is unique.)

This will not work for everyone’s situation (a military father might be deployed, for example) but if you can appeal for paternity leave, take vacation time off, or work some night shifts while your baby sleeps so you can interact when he or she is awake – now’s the time! And if you can take the baby on Saturday so Mom can sleep in or go out with friends, you may get a triple-win: a rested, appreciative partner, an improved “fathering brain” capacity, and a special connection with your child.

Making time to engage early is also critical because my research revealed a cautionary tale: Dads who didn’t make as much effort to forge a good connection with their kids when they were young found it harder (not impossible, but harder) to feel competent at being a dad 10 to 15 years later.

Step #2 (for Moms): Encourage your man to be hands-on – and let him handle things differently

Moms, you now know how crucial it is for your husband to be hands-on with the baby. Some of you are thinking: Score!! Here you go, honey! But others might need to let their man be a truly involved father.

As women transition to motherhood and joint parenthood, many of us have to come to grips with a tension that may never truly abate: Ack! Why is he handling things that way?! We see our man making very different decisions than we would, handling parenting differently than we would, and many of us instinctively pull back. We don’t usually say it this way, but our subconscious feeling may be, He’s doing it wrong. But if we then signal to our man that the kids are our domain or – even worse – that he’s somehow unwelcome or incompetent to step into that domain, we invite a downward spiral.

Most of the time, with very few exceptions, there’s no actual right or wrong between how parents want to handle things – it’s all just judgment calls. More importantly, as you’ll see in a moment, some of those differences in judgment are essential for a child’s thriving.

Thus, women need to not only be okay with their men handling things differently, but actively encourage them to jump in to hands-on parenting from the earliest hours. Most men will eagerly do this, since, thankfully, research demonstrates that contemporary men usually care just as much about their parenting role as women do.

Step #3 (for Dads): Realize that “your way” of parenting is essential for your child

Dads, you are wired to parent differently, so don’t convince yourself your way is somehow “less than.” Even as you co-parent with Mom and honor her way of operating, step in with confidence to how you’re created as a Dad.

For example, research found that where mothers and children both experience the highest bonding/reward hormones during times of cuddling and affection, fathers and children experience the highest bonding/reward hormones during times of rough-and-tumble play! One British anthropologist theorized that such play:

[I]s crucial to the father-child bond and the child’s development for two reasons: first, the exuberant and extreme nature of this behaviour allows dads to build a bond with their children quickly; it is a time-efficient way to get the hits of neurochemicals required for a robust bond, crucial in our time-deprived Western lives where it is still the case that fathers are generally not the primary carer for their children.

Second, due to the reciprocal nature of the play and its inherent riskiness, it begins to teach the child about the give and take of relationships, and how to judge and handle risk appropriately; even from a very young age, fathers are teaching their children these crucial life lessons.

Similarly, according to a study I saw years ago, anthropologists around the world have found that dads will on average let their toddlers stray three times farther away than the mom will. In other words: Go explore, little one, and have an adventure, even if you aren’t completely protected from all possible harm!

Dads, the point is: You don’t mind scraped knees as much as moms do. You’re much more inclined to tell your kids to suck it up and keep going. And just as protective nurturing and bonding is essential for building character, so is curiosity and resilience.

As long as you’re also attentive to and affirming of your kids, and telling them things like “I’m so proud of you” and (especially daughters) “I love you,” they will feel both safe and able to handle risk and adventure as they grow.

The bottom line, for all of us, is to remember that both mothers and fathers adore their children and bring great strengths to the task of parenthood. This is a beautiful reflection of how God has set things up! I Thessalonians 2:12 captures the essence of a father’s love for his children as an encourager and a comforter. Psalm 103:13 compares the compassion the Lord shows to us with the compassion a father shows to his child.

And now brain science shows us that early infant interaction on a father’s part can set him up for success with something that has mattered to him all along – being a good dad.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 1)

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Conflict – Part 2

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Conflict – Part 1

The post This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 2) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 1)

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Published on January 31, 2023 02:00

This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 1)

It’s no secret that becoming a first-time parent changes everything – social life, sleep patterns, finances, and … neuroplasticity?

Researchers have discovered that our brains actually change when we have children. So much so, that scientists can tell whether a woman is a mother or not, simply by looking at a scan of her brain! The physical brain capacities for parenting competence – factors like empathy and caregiving – all grow.

And now a brand-new study has found that the brains of fathers undergo a similar transformation – IF the father does a few key things, which I’ll describe shortly. These brain changes actually increase a man’s competence at fatherhood – and lead to greater sense of confidence.

Part 1 of this blog will describe the key factors that matter, and Part 2 will share key steps (for both dads and moms) that unlock this new superpower.

Factor #1: A first-time father has the potential for significant brain-based changes

Scientists studied first-time fathers in the U.S. and Spain, both before and after the birth of their first child. They found a wide array of changes in various areas of the brain, especially those that contribute to attention and empathy toward the baby – and even to better visual processing. (Researchers theorize this improves the ability to see and interpret a baby’s visual signals. In other words, it helps a confused parent better diagnose what a squalling infant actually needs!)

But here’s the thing. Some dads showed only minimal brain changes, while others showed immense transformation. And the more a man’s “fathering brain” capacities increase, the more likely he is to have greater skill and confidence as a dad. My research has shown time and time again that men care as much about being good dads as women care about being good moms. Most men will want to do whatever they can do to up their game. So here’s the crucial factor that made the difference between whether the outcome was relatively minor or very impactful.

Factor #2: Regular, hands-on involvement with the baby appears to catalyze the greatest brain change

Scientists were curious as to why there was a wide range of brain impacts among new fathers. But they noted a major difference based on where study participants lived. Although most fathers had brain changes that supported better attention toward their infants, the effect was less pronounced among U.S. men and more pronounced in men from Spain – where, as it happens, generous paternity leaves are the norm. Weeks or months of paternity leave generally allow Spanish fathers to spend much more time with their newborns – and the brain responds accordingly.

More research is needed, but greater time and hands-on involvement simply seem to catalyze greater brain change to help men more confidently interact with the baby. (And toddler, and child, and adolescent, and …)

Since most men want to be great dads, we now have data to suggest that early, hands-on involvement may trigger brain activity that actually helps them in this pursuit.

And the good news may not stop with the newborn years.

Factor #3: With more intentional effort, brain plasticity can be catalyzed at any age

What about for older dads, who are well past the newborn phase and perhaps are regretting that they didn’t (or couldn’t) have as much hands-on involvement in the early years? The ability for a brain to change is referred to as “plasticity” by scientists, and the U.S.-Spain study only looked at the brain plasticity of early-stage dads. But plenty of other research has demonstrated the brain’s overall plasticity for a lifetime. The key appears to be intentionality and effort if it is outside of a natural, biological “window.”

As just one illustration of this, research has found that the intentional learning that happens in psychotherapy often creates major physical changes in the brain, allowing the participant to do better at what is needed in psychotherapy: regulate emotion, thinking, and memory. Having seen many of these examples, scientists theorize that any intentional effort will create neural pathways and increase skill at the matter at hand – it’s just that person may have to put more effort into the process if it isn’t a period of optimal plasticity.

So the overall implication is clear for all the fathers out there: the more you are intentionally involved with your child, regardless of your parenting stage, the more you will be deepening those neural pathways, increasing your competence, and enjoying the confidence that comes with it!

We will unpack the practical actions that will most help you (and the woman in your life) do that, in Part 2.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Conflict – Part 2

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Conflict – Part 1

Two Simple Steps to Transform Christmas Get-Togethers

The post This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 1) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Conflict – Part 2

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Published on January 24, 2023 02:00

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Conflict – Part 2

These two articles (see Part 1, here) are new entries in our series to equip engaged and newlywed couples – and anyone else trying to create a great marriage. Based on more than 18 years of research and 12 nationally-representative studies with more than 40,000 men and women, these articles identify some of the most simple (but essential) habits for highly happy marriages. And this research is newly recovered from the vaults! Share it with those getting married! *

Those who are married are often encouraged to pursue the day-to-day issues that matter to them – to stand up for themselves and their wants and needs. As you’ll see below (and in Part 1), while it is indeed crucial for each of us to honor what matters to us (and our mate), our research found we are far more likely to have a happy marriage if we acknowledge what matters to us but don’t always push it to (or past) the point of conflict. In other words, we are far more likely to be happy in marriage if we develop a habit of letting things go – both in the moment, and over time.

How do we actually do that? Especially without losing who we are, or turning into a doormat? That’s what this Part 2 is about. And it is a bit longer than usual in order to unpack the five key action steps that arose from our research on this secret to creating a Highly Happy Marriage.

Action Step #1: Learn the “let it go” habit now –since you’ll probably learn it later anyway

In our nationally-representative survey of married couples for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we discovered that the willingness to defer and let go of day-to-day issues was crucial to a happy marriage – but was far more likely to actually happen among older couples. The longer a couple had been married – or remarried only a few years but older in age – the more likely they were to let things go. And the more likely they were to be happy in marriage as a result.

As one husband said, “once you’ve been together 30 years, you realize certain things just aren’t as important as you once thought they were.” Another said, “Eventually, you are mature enough to think back and go, ‘That was a dumb thing to get upset about, a dumb thing to fight about.’ And you learn from those.”

When a couple is younger, everything just seems so important! It is easier to get “stuck” on issues that really don’t matter that much.

Here’s a thought: Since research suggests you’re probably going to develop this habit eventually, why not develop it now, save yourself years of frustration and pain, and gain you and your spouse years of happiness?

Action Step #2: Recognize that not every issue is a big issue

We’ve probably all heard the marriage advice that we need to rigorously pursue the “little foxes” (as the Song of Solomon puts it), so the little things don’t become big things that destroy the marriage. It is wise to keep an eye out for those things that could undermine the marriage (see below), but this doesn’t mean we need to pursue every issue into the ground.

One wife said, “I was really focused on the little foxes – the little things that we shouldn’t let go because they could become a problem someday, and destroy the vineyard. ‘Wait, we’re not done yet, let’s work this through. Let’s talk about the little foxes.’”

As her husband put it: “After a while I wanted to get out my .22 and shoot the little foxes.”

Overwhelmingly, it appears that one of the reasons the happiest couples are so happy is that they are far more likely than other couples to say, “it’s not worth it,” if pursuing some day-to- day issue or continuing a conflict would lead to a lack of peace. Even in cases when both spouses did really care about the subject, at least one of them was often willing to say that certain things were “minor” – which eventually led to both of the spouses being more likely to say so over time. (As a way to accomplish this, see Part 1 for one spouse’s advice on how to “rate” what matters to each of you.)

Although our research was focused on “letting things go” in the day-to-day issues (not the big life decisions), it was clear that the happy couples considered even some important and emotionally charged big issues to be worth letting go in order to preserve the relationship.

How do you figure out whether something is major or minor? Well, the happiest couples had some guidance on that as well.

Action Step #3: Is this a godly principle or a preference?

One common comment we heard was the power of doing a little bit of triage when a couple is about to hit that point of conflict.

As one pastor’s wife put it, “We have a basis to deal with things. We ask, is this a godly principle or is this a preference? If it’s a godly principle, we usually recognize we can’t let it go – and we can usually deal with it pretty quickly because we have the common standard of the bible. If it’s a preference then we may struggle, because that would come down to who can present their case better. So those are the things we have to choose to say, ‘okay that’s your opinion,’ and agree to disagree.”

One wife had this to say: “The key is to not make something right or wrong… and realize that this relationship is more important than whatever this issue is. That is what matters.”

A common source of this type of conflict was parenting disagreements. One wife told me that she and her husband had gone through many years with their son being difficult and rebellious – and the marriage being under intense pressure. This was in part, she said, because as a stay-at-home mom she felt she knew their son better. As a result, she would make decisions without consulting her husband. She describes how realizing she could ‘agree to disagree’ not only helped their son, but was the start of them truly having a happy marriage:

Eventually we went to a counselor with our son, and I realized I needed to let my husband work with him man-to-man. My son just knew how to push my buttons as mom! I needed to take a step back and let my husband make certain decisions on how to deal with him. He just took the dad approach, which was more like: suck it up, kid. And even if I didn’t agree with his approaches, I needed to let him do them. Now, I can look back on it much differently than when in the middle of it. It was hard but it was totally the right thing.

Action Step #4: Don’t consistently avoid things that could become big

Let’s return to the discussion of looking out for the “little foxes” that could eventually destroy the vineyard. There is a huge difference between being willing to let some things go, and having a pattern of avoiding things that really do need to be addressed. As you can imagine, avoidance can lead to a damaging unhappiness over time as unresolved problems build up. The key, the Highly Happy couples said, is to be both willing to address issues that need to be resolved if you or your spouse honestly feels that it is necessary, and willing to label some things as less important and able to be let go for the sake of peace.

Many happy couples emphasized that being quick to let things go is not the same thing as never disagreeing in the first place. One happy husband married almost 50 years told me:

We aren’t afraid to disagree. But it is so important to say you don’t have to get to agreement on everything. It’s almost like I used to be in competition to win! But part of loving my wife is that I don’t want to hurt the person I love. And I was hurting her. Agreeing to disagree changed that completely.

As a summary of how to know when to agree to disagree, and when not to, the happy couples commonly suggested a few tactics:

When you would have otherwise argued a point or forced something to be done differently, ask yourself, “Is getting my way or being right on this more important than the happiness of my spouse or peace in my marriage?” If not, experiment with calling it “minor” by comparison, letting it go, and seeing what happens. As one husband suggested, “Ask yourself, ‘in light of eternity, is this point I’m arguing really going to matter?’ Sometimes, it might. But more often than not, that puts it in perspective pretty quick.” One woman said, “Think about your own issues that you’re asking your spouse to accommodate and let go of. That will help you come into it knowing that it’s not about resolving the issue by deciding who was wrong and right, but by realizing BOTH were wrong and right. And then you can reflect on what you could have done differently, too.” Action Step #5: Put it all in perspective

One husband shared that he and his wife used to butt heads all the time. Both had strong personalities. But their marriage turned around when he had a revelation about one key thing. He said, “I don’t like to be wrong. I’m very competitive. But eventually I realized: there’s one thing I’m not going to compete in, and that’s the relationship in this home. I’ll be wrong and I’ll BE wronged, so we can be right. And that is part of my responsibility.”

That’s powerful, isn’t it? But it’s not easy. It was rare that I heard a happy couple say “letting it go” came naturally. Instead, it was the other way around. It went against every instinct of self-protection (“What if I let it go and he doesn’t?”) or fairness (“What if I’m always the one who backs off and she never does?”). It conflicted with selfish desires to get one’s own way, and understandable desires to see that something was done “right.”

Letting it go is a learned behavior that goes against every human instinct. But in the couples that became happy couples, at least one spouse did it anyway. And, as often happens when we are others-focused, the peace and the unexpected reciprocation that eventually came with it were the best incentive to continue.

To discover the 12 other habits that highly happy married couples cultivate – and to move your marriage from blah to bliss – consider my book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Conflict – Part 1

Two Simple Steps to Transform Christmas Get-Togethers

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Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Conflict – Part 1

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Published on January 17, 2023 02:00

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Conflict – Part 1

This a new entry in our series to equip engaged and newlywed couples – and anyone else trying to create a great marriage. Based on more than 18 years of research and 12 nationally representative studies with more than 40,000 men and women, these articles identify simple (but essential) habits for highly happy marriages. And this research is newly recovered from the vaults! Share it with those getting married! *

I recently combed through research files from almost ten years ago – our study of what makes the happiest couples so happy, for the book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. Due to space constraints we couldn’t include everything we found, so we covered just 12 surprises in the book.

But, there was a 13th finding, one that I’m sharing here for the first time. Perhaps now more than ever before, this secret is vital to creating a great relationship. My hope is that it will help many newlyweds – and everyone else! – avoid a common conflict trap and build connection instead.

But first, some background: I noticed a recurring dynamic when we first started interviewing and surveying the couples in the happiest marriages (in the book we call these the “highly happy” couples, and contrast them to the “mostly happy” couples and “so-so or struggling” couples). Originally, this dynamic just amused me. But then I started to realize: no wait… this is important.

The happiest couples, like everyone else, have conflict. So I would ask them, “take me through your last disagreement.” I wanted to know how they handled a conflict, hurt feelings, and so on. Listen in on one rather representative answer to that question:

Him: Our last big disagreement? Sure … let me think for a second.

Her: Oh gosh, we’ve got plenty. We just had a big brouhaha not that long ago. Um … what was that?

Him: I’m trying to remember. What was it about? Was it the kids … ?

Her: (Pause) Well, there are plenty of examples. What about the thing with your folks’ party?

Him: Yes! Well … that wasn’t really a conflict, though. At least not in the end.

Her: You’re right. (Pause) I’m trying to think of something!

(They look at each other. Both laugh.)

Him: I’m still struggling to find an example. I can’t even right now ballpark what our major disagreements have been over.

Me: You mean you don’t have issues … ?

Him: Oh yes. We sure do.

Her: But I guess we don’t remember them.

This dynamic didn’t occur with all the happy couples I interviewed and surveyed, but it was extremely common. And it turns out that this little interchange holds a clue to a larger, vitally important truth.

You see, although the happiest couples all had issues of legitimate concern (the couple above eventually did remember substantial areas of disagreement), they were in the habit of letting things go. This “13th secret” has vast implications for anyone who wants a happy marriage, especially in the hyper-polarized world we live in.

There seem to be two major ways this habit plays out in practice.

Action #1: In the moment of conflict, the happiest spouses try to defer and let it go

During a conflict on day-to-day issues that they care about (not major life choices), those in the happiest marriages are far more likely to let things go or defer to the other person, instead of trying to win the argument, getting things just the way they want them, or insisting “this is the way it should be done.”

We independently surveyed each spouse about these day-to-day conflicts and asked, “If the two of you are at odds and cannot resolve it fairly soon, how likely are you as a couple to let it go for the sake of peace?” The Highly Happy spouses were twice as likely as struggling spouses to say they would be “very likely” to let things go that they cared about.

I interviewed one couple that had come very close to divorce and had clawed their way back to a much better place. The wife told me, “We went through a terrible, terrible period in our marriage, and a lot of it was that I felt like there was just a way things should be done. I thought my way was always ‘the’ way to do it, which of course is crazy now that I look back. I broke the habit because a counselor advised us to ask each other ‘on a scale of 1 to 10 how important is this issue to you?’ And I realized that I was insisting on ‘my way’ on things that were only a three to me, but were an eight to him! So now, anything five or below I let go. I’m trying to work my way up to a seven. And he’s doing the same for me.”

Action #2: Over time, the happiest spouses try to forgive and forget

In another important trend, whether or not the happiest couples were successful at “letting things go” in the middle of a conflict, they did try to do so over time. They built habits of forgiving and forgetting. As in the dialogue shared above, these couples actually “let it go” enough that they often couldn’t even remember what their issues were without significant effort!

The result of this pattern was a long-term and beautiful benefit to the relationship. In our survey, the happiest spouses were ten times more likely than struggling or “mostly happy” spouses to say that the “how likely are you to let little things go” question didn’t even apply since they (the happiest spouses) rarely got to the point of the conflict escalating to begin with.

Our research supports what scripture has told us all along – that “it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV)

Getting there is simpler than you think

For someone in a high-conflict relationship, the idea of being able to let things go may seem completely unfathomable – or even wrong. You may be thinking, But isn’t setting aside conflicts unhealthy? Or, Those Highly Happy couples must just have some relationship superpowers that we don’t have! But neither of those things is true!

Remember, everyone has disagreements. We are all imperfect people. The issue isn’t whether we have the disagreements, the issue is how we handle them when we do. And, as you’ll see in Part 2 of this set, it is simpler than you think to learn how to handle our day-to-day disagreements in a way that protects the relationship above the issue at hand.

*To discover the 12 other habits that highly happy married couples cultivate – and to move your marriage from blah to bliss – consider my book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Two Simple Steps to Transform Christmas Get-Togethers

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Published on January 10, 2023 02:00

Don’t Should On Yourself

I blew it, and I knew it. Our whole family was exhausted and working on little sleep, but we had out-of-town friends coming over for a weekend brunch in thirty minutes. My teenage son decided to take a long shower in that time, leaving me with no hot water and only ten minutes to take my shower. I was not happy, and I told him so. At my raised and forcible tone, his face crumpled.

Of course, I felt terrible. He’s a caring kid and had been working hard all morning to help us get ready. But did I say thank you for all that? No, I just berated him for the one thing he did wrong. I apologized – but I still felt terrible.

Have you ever been there? (Anyone who understands Mom Guilt is laughing that I’m even asking that question.) Maybe you’ve made a big mistake that has hurt your spouse or your kids, or have completely messed up something at work, and feel really bad about it. What do you do next? I’ve learned something crucial that not only helps in the moment – but makes things better over time!

The day I snapped at my son, I was still feeling bad as Jeff and I met close friends for dinner. I confessed why I was troubled, and said I should have handled everything so differently. In fact, with my forceful personality, I should probably be handling a lot of things differently.

The other husband gave me a smile. “Don’t should on yourself.”

Of course, when I heard that phrase, it initially sounded like he was saying something else! He laughed, and used air quotes. “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself.” As he explained how he applied that phrase with his employees as a leadership principle (originating with leadership author Jeremie Kubicek), I saw so many life-changing parallels in the relationship space.

So the next time you make a big mistake, here are four things to do that will not only protect but actually enhance your relationship!

To-Do #1: Stop before you start beating yourself up

You promised your spouse that you would clean your kitchen mess before they arrived home with their new boss in tow. But you got engrossed in your own work project and totally forgot. So things are a mess and your spouse is embarrassed – and so are you. What do you do next?

The temptation is to “should” on yourself – to beat yourself up. (“I can’t believe I did that to my spouse. I should have started cleaning up right away instead of procrastinating. I should have not made the mess in the first place…”) Even though your inner “should” statements may in fact be true, beating yourself up won’t actually change things, except to make them worse.

Why worse? Because “shoulds” lead to shame, shame leads to defensiveness, and defensiveness prevents learning and actively protects bad behavior.

So catch yourself when the “shoulds” start, and instead do the one thing (To-Do #2) that will interrupt that damaging cycle – and allow you to start a positive one instead.

To-Do #2: Give yourself grace

We all want to do a good job in our responsibilities and relationships. (If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article.) But since we are also all imperfect, we will make mistakes — and that’s when we need to extend ourselves grace. (“Yes, I made a pretty bad mistake and I feel terrible about it … but everyone makes mistakes, and this isn’t the end of the story. I’m going to give myself permission to set aside the bad feelings and say I’ll do better next time.”)

That is the only way to stop the habit of beating yourself up – and build a very different habit instead.

To-Do #3: Live in learning mode instead of performance mode

It is easy for us to live in “performance mode” – are we doing everything right and well? But in that mode, whatever we do wrong risks getting in our head. (I’ve hurt my spouse’s feelings so many times this week: Are we okay? Are they unhappy? Are they spending so much time at work because they don’t want to be at home?) We can get tense and worried – and we don’t like feeling tense and worried, so some of us start getting defensive instead. (“I tried my best, but you shouldn’t have brought the boss by the house when I had such a busy day! You don’t appreciate how much I have on my plate!”)

Once we get defensive, we stop learning and growing, and instead begin protecting our mistakes. We blame the people we hurt, rather than figuring out what we ourselves might want to do differently. We make it hard for others to talk to us. We begin to become someone we would never want to be.

“Learning mode” is completely different. Living in this mode means when you make a mistake, you use it as an opportunity to learn what you can do differently next time. Instead of feeling shame that you procrastinated cleaning up your kitchen mess and thus deeply embarrassed your spouse, you realize I can get so focused on what I’m doing that I procrastinate. So next time I have to do something, I either need to do it right then or set an alarm on my phone to remember to do it later.

Living in learning mode means you give yourself the freedom to make mistakes. You don’t want to hurt anyone or make mistakes, but you will mess up occasionally. It’s okay, if you learn from those mistakes.

Can you see how much lighter you will feel once you try to live by this “don’t ‘should’ on yourself” principle? How much easier it will be to learn and grow, and build a relationship that is based on grace rather than blame and shame? This leads to a very important final “to-do.”

To-Do #4: Don’t “should” on others

As you know, blame and shame can go both ways. Just as you may have to break a habit of blaming yourself, you may have to break a habit of blaming others. You can’t make anyone learn from their mistakes – but you can give them the freedom to try.

So, as you try to give yourself grace, give grace to others who make mistakes as well. Don’t “should” on your spouse, your kids, or your colleagues. Commit to this, and just watch an entirely different type of relationship emerge. This isn’t the same as excusing bad behavior, but it does mean giving someone the freedom to try, to fail occasionally, and to learn and grow. It means building a relationship in which both people feel safe to be imperfect people – and to continue trying anyway.

And that’s a “should” worth fighting for.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Two Simple Steps to Transform Christmas Get-Togethers

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10. A Tale of Two Men—And What It Means for You

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Published on January 03, 2023 02:00

The Top Ten Blog Posts from 2022

After an unprecedented (!!) 2020 and 2021, I feel like we finally got to a reasonable “new normal” in 2022. What do you think? Although there were major issues to navigate as a society (anxiety, anyone?) and Covid was still playing “gotcha” (it got me for 10 days in October), it felt as if we could all take a collective breath of relief in some ways. For us, in-person speaking events started back up again in earnest this year, and oh how good it was to gather together! And our team was extra busy as we finalized work on our big three-year research project and book on S-E-X! Secrets of Sex and Marriage, co-authored by Dr. Michael Sytsma, releases February 7, 2023 and we couldn’t be more excited to share it with everyone. We are also excited to finalize the manuscript on my newest devotional in the Find Series called Find Hope, which will release next fall.

It has become a late-December tradition for us to share the most popular blog posts from the year so you can catch up on posts you may have missed, especially the ones that resonated with so many people.

As is often the case, the majority of these Top Ten blog posts are marriage-focused. If you haven’t seen these articles (as well as many other resources), my team and I hope these give you encouragement and practical steps to grow your relationship, solve problems, and thrive as a couple. Even beyond marriage, we hope these help you thrive in life!

So without further ado, here are the Top Ten Blog Posts from 2022:

9. Husbands, Here’s How To Do Real-Life Romance

8. Do you need to let go of control in your marriage? (Guest blog by Shannon Popkin)

7. Keep Holding On … God Can Use Our Weaknesses

6. Why Can’t We Just Go to Sleep ?

5. Are You Lonelier Than You Think?

4. When Knee-Jerk Reactions Cause Money Tension In Marriage

3. A Surprising Way to Encourage Your Kids’ Faith

2. Why does my man try to carry all the groceries in at once?

1. The Big Blind Spot That Is Messing With Your Relationships

More “aha moments” and encouragement are in the works for the new year and beyond. Stay tuned!

Wishing you blessings and joy in 2023!

-Shaunti

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Two Simple Steps to Transform Christmas Get-Togethers

Two Steps to Improving Your Emotional Health This Thanksgiving

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Two Simple Steps to Transform Christmas Get-Togethers

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Published on December 27, 2022 02:00

Two Simple Steps to Transform Christmas Get-Togethers

From shopping, cooking, wrapping, and year-end work projects, we all have enough to do this week. Oh, and don’t forget cookies for the neighbors! Or the attempts to organize a chaotic house into some sort of shape before the family get-together. Or the efforts to keep the peace between contentious Uncle Harry and our reactionary in-laws at said get-together.

So, this week I’ll offer just two simple steps that not only may help transform your Christmas get-togethers but also your family culture. Just two. That’s good news.

The bad news: we might have to hold up a mirror for a minute. Because before we can hope for peace on earth and goodwill toward men, we need to start with peace at home and goodwill toward our family members!

Those who regularly follow the blog (and I’m so grateful for you!) will know this statistic: Our research found that a whopping 95 percent of us have “kindness blindness.” Even for those of us who value kindness and positivity, these two scratchy truths apply, not just to contentious Uncle Harry, but to almost all of us:

we value kindness but are more unkind than we think we are, andwe often don’t see what matters to those who are most important to us

So, let’s flip the script on holiday get-togethers this year by being honest about what we’re bringing to the table. Instead of perpetuating an irritated, frustrated, vicious cycle — which none of us want to do! — we can trigger a virtuous cycle with these two little steps.

Step 1: Gut check your negative tendency

Most of us care about being kind and positive, especially at the holidays … but the holidays don’t magically eliminate our blind spot about just how often we are critical, exasperated, unengaged, or exhibiting a host of other unfortunate tendencies. Imagine for a minute what would happen if we came into Christmas gatherings with our antennae up about our own behavior, rather than the behavior of others. Seriously. Read that sentence again and think about what that would look like.

So, the critical comment you want to make about the seating arrangements? Don’t do it. Your irritation with your brother for slipping food to the dog? Just let Fido feast. Your desire to call out the family member who had one job (and it was the easiest one – grab ice on the way) and forgot? Smile, extend grace, and fill the glasses with room temperature water like that was your plan all along.

When we are willing to lay down our rights, hurts, and critical spirits, and extend to others what the Bible calls loving-kindness, it completely changes the situation. And guess what? It changes us, too.

Step 2: Work to see what matters to the other person

As I mentioned in a recent post, when we’re in the middle of the holiday swirl it is so easy to get caught up in the rush that we forget to relate. We are running around sharing chores with our spouse or kids, or trying to have a hurried conversation with an in-law at a family fathering, and running mostly on autopilot. So, we often don’t recognize (and don’t recognize that we don’t recognize!) what might be going on inside the other person: That they could have a concern about something that really matters to them during the holidays. Their sadness about being single when surrounded by romance, for example, or their embarrassment that Uncle Harry yet again dismissed their competence at finding a higher-paying job.

In the earlier blog, we talked about the importance of, essentially, “presence over presents” and making time to be together. But having empathy is the next step. When we are together, let’s not miss what matters to those we love.

And this doesn’t have to be deep, heavy, stuff! Recognizing “what matters” could include things like identifying your cousins’ desire to do something together rather than simply eating themselves into a food coma. Perhaps they love board games and never have time to play them. So, play board games. Watch those movies you haven’t had time to watch. Ask each member of the family one thing they’d like to do together during this time. Or like my family, maybe you’ll even start planning a big trip for next year. Simply being together on a much-anticipated family vacation is how we’re making time for what matters to each of us.

Do you see the possibilities here?

Why does it matter?

What we are talking about here, in many different ways, is the power of kindness. And it should matter to us because it matters to the One whose birth we celebrate. Over and over in the pages of scripture, Jesus shows what true kindness looks like.

If you’ve been hearing about The 30-Day Kindness Challenge but have never actually done it, I invite you to start your new year off in a powerful way. What could you lose? I’ve done the research and I know what you could gain: a new mindset and a new method to help your relationships thrive.

And if you have already done The Kindness Challenge, what would you say to those who are wondering if they should try it? Please comment below. (If you’re thinking about starting The Kindness Challenge in the new year, please also let us know in the comments. We can’t wait to hear how it goes.) Have a beautiful Christmas, everyone.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Two Steps to Improving Your Emotional Health This Thanksgiving

National Adoption Month and How to Love Adoptive Families Well

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Published on December 20, 2022 02:00

Shining Our Light For All To See

Growing up, finances were often tight — so now that I’m older, I appreciate the financial sacrifice my parents made to take my brother and me to Hawaii for Christmas one year. Forty years later, my family still talks about that amazing trip. On walks along the beach I was sure I’d never seen water so blue or held a hand so strong as my dad’s.

It was as if real life held its breath for a precious week.

I’ll be retracing those memories next week when my own family travels to Hawaii for Christmas. Like my parents, we’ve leaned hard on frequent flyer miles and found change in the couch cushions to make this trip happen. But since we haven’t had a real family vacation in four years and both our kids graduated this year — and Hawaii is the one place we speak regularly that they have wanted to visit but haven’t been — we’re making it happen.

As I pack and prepare to leave in a few days, I’ve adapted an excerpt from my devotional, Find Joy for you this week. Revisiting it has helped me recapture sweet memories about my dad, who passed away exactly three years ago. It also has renewed in me a deep longing for the joy we will know one day when we see the glory of heaven. I hope it draws you into this powerful mystery, too.

Find Joy, Day 60The Beautiful Road Map

I have a picture in my mind. I am a teenager, walking along a white sand beach in Hawaii, hand in hand with my father. He and my mom scrimped, saved, and used frequent flyer miles to fly themselves, me, and my brother to Hawaii for Christmas.

Nothing could prepare me for what I saw as we traveled around the area where we were staying. I had seen pictures and videos. I had read guidebooks and imagined it in my mind. But until I experienced the deep blue ocean and towering green mountains firsthand, I could not comprehend how beautiful it was. I was filled with awe. I could finally understand what everyone had been trying to explain.

Here’s the thing: Joy is like that, too. The Bible is our road map and guide to a depth of beauty in our relationship with God that is almost inexplicable. Many verses act as signposts to finding that joy. And when we experience such a joy even when it “shouldn’t” be there, in the face of sorrow or uncertainty, there is simply nothing like it. It is a mystery — and a true gift from God.

It also points us to another mystery, one that we can only imagine in our minds: the glory of heaven.

God calls us to pursue and find joy here, but this world is not our home. Here, our joy will inevitably be shadowed. But in eternity, in the presence of God, there will be no shadows. There will be none of the pain and loss that stalks our world (Revelation 21:4). Think of it: we will join in the worship of Jesus with the same angels who declared the “good news of great joy” two thousand years ago!

That should be our ultimate source of true joy. We will see Him face-to-face.

We are called to press into our relationship with Him here, even as we long for the day when there is nothing between us.

That is where my sweet dad is now. After a devastating stroke and a multi-year battle, he is walking with Jesus. It makes me ache with joy to think of what he is experiencing. It also makes me ache with joy to think that someday, I’ll be able to walk hand in hand with my dad again. That is the true joy that God has for all of us who follow Jesus.

Final thoughts

Back in the present, I’d like to pull the curtain back a little more on why I selected this devotional excerpt for you this week.

Earlier, I wrote that when I was a teenager in Hawaii, it felt like real life held its breath. The same thing happened in a field two thousand years ago when an angel announced to a group of unsuspecting shepherds: “I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people, for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:10-11, NASB). Real life held its breath and heavenly glory invaded the world.

Friends, we don’t have to take a vacation or be visited by angels to have that same sense of wonder. We can live with that joyful expectation right now — and all year long. “Good news of great joy” has come, in the person of Jesus! He was born to bring us joy even in our insecurity, heartache, loneliness, or struggle.

Next week, I’ll remember walking with my dad in a Hawaiian paradise, and I’ll imagine him walking in a heavenly paradise. What a source of joy — and yet grief at the same time. I so miss my sweet dad. My thoughts turn to those of you missing someone this Christmas. I know it’s hard.

But this I also know: Joy can be found even when there’s a lump in our throat. Let’s look for it in the deep well of our memories. Let’s lean toward it by anticipating our heavenly home that awaits. And while we’re at it, let’s find joy in the here and now. When we invite joy to enter our hearts — just as Jesus entered our world two thousand years ago — we show a watching world the best demonstration of our faith. We show them what “good news of great joy” looks like: the light of Jesus that shines for all to see.

This blog is an excerpt from Shaunti Feldhahn’s devotional, Find Joy: A Devotional Journey to Unshakable Wonder in an Uncertain World .

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Two Steps to Improving Your Emotional Health This Thanksgiving

National Adoption Month and How to Love Adoptive Families Well

A Challenge for Churches, Friends, and Women in the Workplace

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Published on December 15, 2022 02:00

Three Keys for Keeping Holiday Stress at Bay

Christmas is coming! We are in the season of warmth, kindness, yummy eggnog, romantic Hallmark movies … and crammed schedules, equally crammed parking lots, crazy weather, and financial stresses. How can we keep our inner Cindy-Lou Who intact and avoid becoming a grouchy old Grinch?

There are three little truths we’ve seen in the research that are worth keeping an eye on right now: three keys for kicking holiday stress to the curb. Apply them and it is much more likely that you will enjoy the season and emerge with your relationships stronger.

Key #1: Touch base regularly with the important people in your life

The holiday rush makes us time-stressed people. There are so many urgent things demanding our time – school parties, retirement-community decorations, final exams, work reports, and the I-haven’t-gotten-to-that-yet travel planning. Oh, and don’t forget Christmas shopping! (With what spare time, again?)

The problem is that time stress can lead to disconnection from the crucial people in your life. You look up one day in mid-December and realize you haven’t talked to your spouse in, like, three days. So you feel a bit distant. No biggie, right? It’s just the season. But then something amps up the stress – your car gets stuck in the snow, or you learn you aren’t getting a Christmas bonus this year – and suddenly that well of grace you normally have for one another has drained away faster than your resolution to avoid sugar for the next few weeks. You start snapping at each other. Or getting exasperated. Or withdrawn. So much for that holiday warmth, kindness, and romance.

Make a point to touch base regularly with your key loved ones: your spouse, kids, or important others. This doesn’t have to mean adding one more big item to your to-do list. We found in the research for Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, that one of the most crucial things you can do to create a happy marriage is to informally hang out. Having coffee together in the morning for a few minutes before you start your day can be just as impactful as a date night. And the same principle is just as important for parents and kids, or for any important relationship in your life. Carving out time for one another is crucial throughout the year, but is essential this time of year, when holiday stress abounds.

So, make it a point to text your adult kids with an update on your latest funny shopping incident and ask how their week is going. Ask your younger kids to show you their favorite holiday TikToks. Take a few minutes to hug your frazzled wife when you come in from shoveling snow, and ask how her day was. Snuggle up to your husband at night and find out whether he’s still worried about the company being acquired next year. Plan for an hour when you and your spouse will wrap most of your presents together in the same (closed-door) room, rather than dividing-and-conquering for efficiency.

It will be a lot easier to have grace with one another when you are close rather than disconnected.

Key #2: Keep short accounts

If you’re married, this is the perfect time to relearn what you committed to on your wedding day, about keeping short accounts and majoring on the majors. As noted, stresses can lead to snapping, and snapping can lead to hurt feelings. Similarly, molehills become mountains – mountains that really seem important – when one or both of you are tired or busy.

Don’t let those things fester.

Yes, you’ve asked your spouse twice if they could move the car so it isn’t blocking your holiday guests in, and they keep forgetting. You know what? Your spouse probably isn’t purposefully being a jerk; they are just as busy and frazzled as you. Grab the keys and move the car yourself. And don’t sarcastically jangle the keys loudly when your spouse sees you walking in the door. When they say, remorsefully, “I’m so sorry you had to do that,” (or in an annoyed tone, “I was going to get to it!”) cheerfully say, “It’s okay, I just figured I would do it.” And move on.

Now is the time to remember that all of us fall short – it’s why Jesus had to come in the first place, after all! – and be willing to have grace with others who are falling short as well. There is power in letting things go.* In fact, you might build a new habit that brings new life to your relationships long after the holidays are over.

*As long as you’re not enabling an abusive relationship, which goes beyond what we can cover here. However, if you suspect that is the case in your life, please reach out to a counselor or therapist as soon as possible.

Key #3: Every day, set the right expectations

If you and I were to sit down in July, think about the Christmas season, and say, “What would my top advice to myself be about managing Christmas well this year?” I suspect that one of our top answers would be: “Keep things simple. It’s not about the perfect present or the best decorations; it’s about family, friends, and celebrating Jesus.”

The problem is that we don’t actually sit down and think about it in July – and if we did, our own advice might be tossed aside as soon as we see that extra toy we just have to find for our kids, or the request from the holiday party for the special cheesecake we just have to make from scratch. (They asked for our special recipe, after all!)

So, let’s now ask ourselves, “What would I have said was my top advice to myself about managing Christmas well this year?” If the answer is indeed some flavor of “keep things simple and remember what matters most,” then let’s treat that like a sort of compass. Every task, request, use of time, and even thought pattern and feeling gets checked against that compass. Will this task or thought pattern lead us toward “keeping things simple and remembering what matters most?” Or away from it? Once we start making decisions based on that compass, we will decide things like, “I would love to treat everyone with my cheesecake, but it is far more important to spend a few minutes with my lonely family

member instead.” Or, “I know I feel guilty for not being able to afford more presents this year, but there is a lot of love in this house and that’s the most beautiful thing.” When we do that, we are far more likely to return to the type of special and sacred Christmas we are truly longing for, rather than the commercialized, rush-rush-rush Christmas that stresses us out.

As Ruth Chou Simons said in her Christmas devotional Emmanuel, “Many of us lack the eager anticipation we once knew in our youth when it comes to Christmastime … for so many of us, the joyous expectancy of a fun-filled holiday is overshadowed by unrealistic expectations and impossible standards. We replace expectancy with expectations.”

Friends, lets protect our relationships and our own well-being by daily making a point of replacing holiday expectations with holy expectancy. Let us remind ourselves what God has done for us – Heaven invaded earth! – and let Him fill us back up with the true joy and meaning of this special time of year.

*If you want a way to build true Joy in your life, no matter your circumstances, or know someone who does, consider my devotional Find Joy: A devotional journey to unshakable wonder in an uncertain world.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

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