Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 17

Are You Lonelier Than You Think?

Not long ago, Jeff and I were presenting our latest research to the annual convention of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) and grabbed the opportunity to have dinner with another author couple. After a delicious meal, we continued to sit there, talking, laughing, and sharing life. When we finally looked at our watches, we realized we had been sitting at that table for over four hours!

Have you ever been so starved for something, that when you finally get it, you feel like you’ve just consumed a luxurious feast? Well, that wonderful four-hour dinner showed me just how hungry I had been for community.

Any of us can find ourselves in a season where we just don’t have regular fellowship with others – whether because of a busy schedule or simply because we’ve gotten out of the habit. Sure, we may always be around people . . . but “being in proximity to others” isn’t the same thing as “meaningful fellowship.” For me, my travel schedule often keeps me from attending routine gatherings like weekly bible studies or school meetings where I see other moms. And since many of my speaking engagements happen on weekends, Jeff and I frequently find ourselves turning down Saturday night dinner invitations from friends. Bottom line? Unless I intentionally seek community, I miss out on it.

Your schedule may be different from mine, but do you ever find yourself in similar circumstances? Wanting people to “do life with,” but then rushing about your day? Perhaps you would love time with friends, but you realize it has been many weeks or months since that has happened? Pay attention to that realization, that longing; I think it is God’s prompting for us to do something about it! We were not made to do life alone. We were made live in community with others, and when we do, all the science shows that our mental, emotional, and spiritual health becomes better. This is important for us and is even more important for our kids!

But as my example illustrates, it is all too easy to go without time with friends – and not even realize we are deprived of something we truly need! It requires making a decision and a purposeful effort – especially at the outset when we are setting up a pattern and a schedule to be together. Whether we have moved to a new city, find ourselves in a different season of life than our friends, or simply are entrenched in an insanely busy project at work, at some point we will all have to decide whether we want community badly enough to work for it.

Thankfully, a little effort will go a long way. Here are a few suggestions on how to get started:

1. You don’t have to do it perfectly: just do it

Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, famously said, “Done is better than perfect.” Are you worried about joining the neighborhood book club or church Bible Study because you’re worried you can’t make it every two weeks? Just join and then take it a month at a time. Maybe you will miss a few. But attending several gatherings is far better than nothing, and you may be surprised at the connections you make, even if you aren’t able to follow through perfectly.

2. Find people who share similar life stages, careers, or interests

While it is important to learn from others whose lives look nothing like our own, there is a special type of encouragement that comes from those who understand the unique set of challenges you face. I’ve come to realize that I need community with others who do what I do for a living. So, when I find myself at an event that includes other authors and speakers, I try to get together with a female author/speaker who understands what it’s like to be a working wife and mom in the public eye. Because they get it – the stress and emotions that come from trying to email teachers, get kids to volleyball games, hopping on an airplane, and racing to get to a mic check in time. There are unique struggles that come along with any job, any particular season of life, and sometimes we just need someone to tell us that they understand – that we are not alone.

3. Clear a space for community

Remember that four-hour dinner? It only happened because I made room for it. I was at the big AACC conference, and my itinerary was tight, but I knew how valuable it would be for Jeff and me to spend time with a couple whose lives and ministries were something like ours. So we made room for it, and four hours later, we were much better off because we had.

If the pandemic taught us anything, it is that we were not made for isolation. Disconnection from others – even when we don’t realize we are disconnected – can result in higher risk of anxiety and all sorts of other mental and physical health issues. It doesn’t need to be that way! Let’s protect ourselves – and our children – by reconnecting with others in intentional ways. It will take some effort, but the rewards will far outweigh the costs.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Are You Lonelier Than You Think? Need Rest? Finding It May Look Different for Men and Women A Surprising Way to Encourage Your Kids’ Faith The Big Blind Spot That Is Messing With Your Relationships When Knee-Jerk Reactions Cause Money Tension In Marriage A Tale of Two Men—And What It Means for You

The post Are You Lonelier Than You Think? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Need Rest? Finding It May Look Different for Men and Women

Did you know that finding rest may look different for men and women? Even after all the research I’ve done, this was a new one for me. And yet in today’s world, where anxiety and stress are at unprecedented levels, understanding this truth is vital for us “weary and burdened” people to whom Jesus promises “rest for our souls.” (It is also a crucial truth for those mental-health professionals who are trying to help others find rest today!)

A few weeks back I was speaking as part of a Summer Series in Ocean City, NJ—a combination of Christian speakers and recording artists taking the stage near the beach on Sundays. I’ve been there several times, and love being able to offer encouragement to both local residents and folks on vacation. This time, I was asked to speak on “finding rest,” based on my devotional for women.

But guess what: It’s not only women who go to the beach! It would have been so easy to just give the “usual” talk with a few tweaks to include men, assuming that since everyone needs rest, everyone needs to find rest in the same way. And yet as I dove back into the research about what science and scripture says on the topic, something jumped out at me. Something that makes a great deal of difference in helping all of us find the rest Jesus promises.

First, rest doesn’t necessarily mean “taking time off”

Before I get to the differences, here’s the main point that applies to everybody. When Jesus promises rest, he doesn’t use the language of “take time off” or “just slow down.” Downtime is valuable (after all, God decreed a Sabbath and Jesus sought out quiet time!), but his words offer a model that applies even when we can’t take time away.

In Matthew 11:28-30, He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

That’s startling language! A yoke is designed to help a burden beast plow the field in the heat of the day. Jesus doesn’t say, “Take the yoke off your shoulders and go back to the barn to find rest.” No, he is saying that we can be about the work of the day and still find rest for our souls. We can be busy, but we don’t have to be weary and stressed. We can have much on our shoulders, but we don’t have to be burdened.

So how might this apply differently to women and men?

Women are weary and burdened and wish they could rest—but don’t

According to the studies, much of the stress felt by women comes from the sheer pace of life—both physical and emotional. There’s a lot on our plates! In my devotional Find Rest, I am speaking to women like me, living in a do-it-all world. All too often, our minds, hearts and bodies are overwhelmed by the day-in and day-out juggling of expectations and obligations. And just when we don’t think we can handle one more thing, we get asked to be the Room Mom at school. And we actually consider it—because we are secretly filled up by the proof that we are in demand. After all, who doesn’t want to feel loved and valuable?!

The thing is: we need to realize that we are loved and valuable even if our calendar is empty. Even if no one wants anything from us. Even if our phone is silent and we don’t have little or big people clamoring for our attention—we are special, we are loved, we have value, simply because we are a child of God. That realization will help us put all the clamor in the right perspective, and not feel that impulse to take on one more thing. Because we no longer have a secret sense of satisfaction that comes from being oh-so-busy.

Men are burdened and weary—and don’t feel they can rest

Although there are exceptions, it appears that men have a very different impulse. They often don’t have a problem saying “no” to busy-ness—because a worry about feeling loved and in demand is not the source of their inner burden. Instead, for most men (when I informally polled the audience at that event, it was about 80%), their burden comes from a worry about providing for their family and trying to “do good” at being a husband, father, protector, and provider. All too often, men are subconsciously wondering whether they are enough, and have a deep fear of failing their wife and kids. If we want to get theological, this goes all the way back to Genesis 3 when God told Adam that in a fallen world, he (and men in general) would always feel like he was toiling the ground by the sweat of his brow, yet the thorns and thistles would always be rising up against him. He would feel like he was never really getting ahead.

In other words: a man may never feel that he can rest.

The thing is: God promises rest to all of us. Men, you can recognize that although there is indeed a biblical calling to provide (1 Timothy 5:8), it does not mean that you have to take every extra deal that is offered or return every midnight text from the boss, fearing that if you don’t you might get fired and not be able to provide for your family. (Hence God’s command to do no work on the Sabbath and the promise that if you trust Him with it, you won’t die of hunger.)  

Jesus’s burden is designed to feel “easy” and is not designed to weigh you down. Yes, do what you can do—but also trust God with your family’s security. Especially because “providing” for your family may mean something more important than money. For example, leaving work early twice a week to coach your daughter’s softball team. You may be taking a step back from the corporate rat race—and the chances of a promotion for the next few years—but you are providing something priceless: your presence and your closeness in the life of your children.

Bottom line: Finding true rest for our souls

Well-meaning friends, social media, and any magazine cover may tell you the answer to finding rest is as simple as a vacation, a spa day, an afternoon spent on the lake, or a nap. While enjoyable (YES, PLEASE TO ALL OF THE ABOVE!), this relief is short-lived. What we need is to function from a place of peace and trust in such a way that we are not constantly sabotaging ourselves and constantly being depleted. There are many practicalities for how we do it, but that choice to trust is the heart of truly finding rest—for men and for women alike.

Would you like to see an event like the one Shaunti mentions at your church, ministry, or business? Shaunti can come speak to your group and provide “Aha moments” that make a big difference in the lives of men, women, marriages, and families. Reach out to Nicole Owens to discuss topic ideas or plans for your event.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Need Rest? Finding It May Look Different for Men and Women A Surprising Way to Encourage Your Kids’ Faith The Big Blind Spot That Is Messing With Your Relationships When Knee-Jerk Reactions Cause Money Tension In Marriage A Tale of Two Men—And What It Means for You Why does my man try to carry all the groceries in at once?

The post Need Rest? Finding It May Look Different for Men and Women appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Surprising Way to Encourage Your Kids’ Faith

Some time back, I met a mother and daughter at a conference where I was speaking. Unlike the energized people around us, they were quiet and downcast. It turns out, a debilitating injury had just ended all of the daughter’s opportunities to play volleyball in college. They were devastated. The mother said they were trying to trust God in their disappointment—but she was at a loss for how to encourage her child.

Oh, how we’ve all been there, right? We can be heartbroken over the heartbreak of our children. We want to cheer them up. To raise their spirits. To lift them out of the valley. But instead, consider walking through the valley with them for a time, sharing your own heartbreak, and describing how God worked in it. That can be far more powerful for their faith (and yours!) than encouraging them to quickly climb out of that valley.

Recognizing the need for this is particularly important now that our kids are back in school and navigating not only the normal anxieties—trying out for sports teams, taking tests, joining clubs, trying to make friends, applying to colleges—but are also dealing with the very real impacts of the COVID pandemic on their academics, social life, and mental health. So I wanted to share an excerpt from my devotional, Find Peace . . . about what I shared with that devastated daughter and mother whose college athletics dreams had just been shattered.

[As I listened,] my eyes filled with tears as a memory came to mind. “This is not nearly as hard as what you are going through, but would you mind if I told you a story?” I asked the mother and daughter.

Twenty years before, as a new follower of Christ, I had started grad school at Harvard and made it through three layers of auditions for the famed Harvard-Radcliffe Collegium, the university’s demanding traveling choir. I had long planned to do just two things in grad school: study for my master’s degree and be a part of this choir. I wouldn’t have time for other friendships or be able to attend Christian fellowship meetings, but I had sung competitively my whole life; it was a huge part of my identity.

Moments before I was called into the final audition (which was mostly to make sure I gelled with existing choir members) I realized, Huh, I haven’t prayed about this. I quickly prayed, “Lord, I’m sorry I didn’t think to ask. If you want me in the Collegium, let this go well. If not, let Your will be done.” As I walked in, I felt a warm glow as the other choir members said, “We’ve heard a lot about you. It’ll be nice to have a grad student in the group!”

The warm glow didn’t last long.

I literally couldn’t sing any of the right notes. The director laughed and said, “You must just be nervous. Start again from the ‘A.’” But I couldn’t sing an A . . . or anything else, really. Finally, mercifully, the director cut the audition short. Mortified, I escaped the room and dissolved into tears as my plans crumbled around me.

Two weeks later, I went to a Christian Fellowship meeting and then joined their a cappella group. One of the tenors was a cute law student named Jeff Feldhahn. I would never have met him if God had spared me that time of anguish and allowed my plan to become reality.

As I recounted the story to that devastated mom and daughter twenty years later, I could see their recognition that, as the daughter said, “I know His plans are always better. But it just hurts.”

As parents, we hurt when our children do. It hurts to watch our normally confident boy walk in the door with his head hanging low after football tryouts. Or our enthusiastic daughter sobbing when the debate team emails the final roster, and her name isn’t on it. In a way, we can be even more devastated than they are.

But what if we step back and review the times in life we’ve been disappointed? What lessons did we learn? How did God use that experience for His glory and His plan for our lives?

Kids love hearing vulnerable stories from their parents, and as we describe what God did in those moments, we remind both our kids and ourselves of God’s faithfulness. Yes, when we don’t get something our heart was set on, we want to crawl into a hole and stay there. But it is our plans that have been disappointed, not God’s. He is directing our steps to beautiful places our hearts could never have imagined on our own.

Excerpts taken from Shaunti’s devotional, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey for Moms from  iDisciple Publishing 

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

A Surprising Way to Encourage Your Kids’ Faith The Big Blind Spot That Is Messing With Your Relationships When Knee-Jerk Reactions Cause Money Tension In Marriage A Tale of Two Men—And What It Means for You Why does my man try to carry all the groceries in at once? Why Can’t We Just Go To Sleep?

The post A Surprising Way to Encourage Your Kids’ Faith appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Big Blind Spot That Is Messing With Your Relationships

Did you know that an experiment with a gorilla can teach us a whole lot about creating great relationships?

Well, not a gorilla, exactly. But an element of a classic (read: old) study that demonstrated an urgent and timeless truth every one of us must learn if we want to live, work, and play well with others.

In 1999 at Harvard University, volunteers watched a short video of people playing around with some basketballs. The viewers were told to count how many times those in white shirts passed a ball. Simple, right? Well, at the end of the video, the viewer is asked, “Did you see the gorilla?”

Wait, what?!

It turns out, half of viewers involved in the experiment missed the fact that someone in a gorilla suit walks into the middle of the swirling players, faces the camera, beats their chest, and walks out of the frame. It wasn’t at all subtle. In fact, researchers later used eye trackers and many viewers looked straight at the gorilla for a full second or two, and still didn’t see it.

Researchers call it “inattentional blindness.” It’s the invisibility of something that should actually be obvious and noticeable. We don’t notice something important, simply because we’re not looking for it.

Well, it turns out, in our own research, we have seen how vital it is to root out one particularly common and dangerous blind spot that probably impacts us and our relationships every single day. We have also seen how vital it is to look straight at and see something else instead.

Our big blind spot: We think we are a kind person.

Nearly all of us value kindness. We try to be kind to others. We teach our children to respond with grace to those who are mean. We try to not respond with rudeness when someone is rude to us. We are kind, right?

Well . . . um . . . not really. It turns out: Our big blind spot is that we are not nearly as kind as we think we are.

In my three-year research study for The Kindness Challenge, we discovered most of us have some serious “inattentional blindness” about how unkind we can be in our everyday life. It is sobering how often it happens . . . and how often we don’t even notice it.

Before the start of our experiment, we asked participants to estimate how often they praised a particular person, how often they were negative or unkind to or about them, and so on. They then spent 30 days doing a specific initiative called the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, including intentionally working to show no negativity toward that person—including how they spoke about that person to others. At the end, we asked the participant whether their initial guesses had been realistic or not.

The vast majority (95%) realized they had been way off! Within the first one or two days, most participants realized they had no idea how negative and unkind they were, until they weren’t allowed to be.

In the survey feedback, most participants said something like this woman: “This was a little humbling and very eye-opening. I had no idea how often I got exasperated, how much I corrected my husband, how bad my tone could be. How embarrassing. I’m SO GLAD for the chance to finally see that stuff, so I can get rid of it!”

I think it is time for all of us to “see that stuff” so we can get rid of it! Because when we are in the swirl of life and don’t realize that we are being unkind and negative to others, we are missing something that can easily wreck any daily relationship (with a spouse, child, someone we’re dating, colleague, in-law…), without us ever realizing it.

So how do we confront and overcome this particular blind spot? And what can we do instead? Take these three steps.

STEP ONE: Take a simple (free) online assessment of your  Kindness Quotient .

Now, you could be a mini-Mother Theresa, and truly one of the kindest people around. But for most of us, however, this assessment is a good wake-up call about those areas we might want to focus on. (And if you have already taken it, share it with someone else who might find it interesting.)

STEP TWO: For a few days, commit to saying nothing negative to or about anyone in your life. 

Nothing. You can’t get exasperated that your son didn’t take out the trash, you can’t suspiciously ask your colleague whether Bob and Nate had that big meeting without you, you can’t post that sarcastic retort on Facebook. You can’t even say to yourself “Why bother even trying this? So-and-so isn’t going to change!” Nothing negative.

If Step One is a good wakeup call, Step Two is more like a head-butt! Once you have to cut out all negativity, you quickly find just how often you do it.

Here’s a tip: Do you know what your specific negativity pattern is? There are seven completely different patterns of unkindness, and we all have at least one that tends to show up in multiple ways in our life. Look at the list in Chapter 6 of The Kindness Challenge to diagnose yours.

STEP THREE: For those few days, every time you catch yourself saying something negative, quickly stop and think,  How could I have said/done that differently, so it wasn’t negative?  

You realized you got exasperated with the kids because they were too slow to turn off their electronics and help you set the table. So after you blow it, you stop and think, I could have calmly said, “Kids, you probably didn’t intend to make me do all the work, but since I had to set the table without you, no more electronics today.” (Not saying anything negative doesn’t mean you can’t give true discipline where it is needed! You just can’t do it negatively!)

The cool thing about this exercise is that as you think about the “kind version” of what you just said, you’ll start actually doing that kind version.

This points out the crucial neuroscientific truth that underlies our quest toward kindness: what we focus on is what we will see. If we focus on the annoying things said by our sister-in-law on social media, we will see more of that and get more annoyed. If we focus on the fact that our sister-in-law has spent the last three months offering to help watch the kids so we can finish our night classes, we will have far more gratitude and far less annoyance. I can’t help but think of my favorite scripture (Philippians 4:8). Whenever we focus on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy, THAT is exactly what we will see. And if we’re focusing on other things, well . . . we might be missing something big.

Seriously. Try these three steps. Or just go ahead and do the full 30-Day Kindness Challenge! You’ve got nothing to lose and plenty of gorillas (I mean, true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy things) to gain!

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Big Blind Spot That Is Messing With Your Relationships When Knee-Jerk Reactions Cause Money Tension In Marriage A Tale of Two Men—And What It Means for You Why does my man try to carry all the groceries in at once? Why Can’t We Just Go To Sleep? In Case You Missed It—Blogs and Updates[image error][image error]

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When Knee-Jerk Reactions Cause Money Tension In Marriage

We’ve all been there. The plane ticket for your weekend getaway costs more than you expected and you dread having to tell your spouse because of their potential reaction. Or your spouse makes a “frivolous” purchase for the THIRD time this month and you feel your anger reach the boiling point. And then there are those “extra” fees for your daughter’s volleyball team that drive you nuts.

These scenarios probably sound familiar. Although everyone reacts in different ways, at some point we all have a negative response to something around money—especially what our spouse does with money! In doing research for our book Thriving in Love and Money, my husband Jeff and I found that these knee-jerk reactions often trace back to a few faulty patterns of thought. But if we can learn to recognize and catch those wrong assumptions, we can retrain our thinking and dramatically change our interactions with our spouse.

So what are some of these problematic assumptions that lurk under our “over-the-top” reactions? Let’s look at four common ones—and be honest about whether we recognize any of these in ourselves.

I’m right and you’re wrong.

Many of us have some preestablished ideas about how money should be managed. We “should” save 20% of what we make. We “should” allocate plenty of money for family activities rather than saving it all up. We “should” give the kids plenty of Christmas presents to make it special. (Or we “should” train them to expect only a few presents so they learn gratitude.)

We simply see certain ideas as categorically correct. But in reality, our ideas aren’t absolutes; they are just opinions or approaches. And the problem, of course, is that when our spouse has a different approach (as they often will) we instinctively have this knee-jerk feeling that our spouse is wrong. It’s just wrong to make frivolous expenditures like collector shoes! Instead of telling ourselves: each of us simply sees and relates to money differently, and my spouse’s desires are probably just as legitimate as mine.

The person who earns the money should have more of a say in how that money is spent.

Sometimes, there can be a subconscious feeling (by either spouse) that whoever earns a particular amount of money deserves a bit more say in handling that money. During our research we often heard double-income young couples say things like, “You can do whatever you want with your money,” with the implication being, “and don’t tell me what to do with mine.”

We also talked to many couples in which one partner worked long hours, made all of the household income . . . and subconsciously felt they deserved more say. (Even though both partners logically knew that a stay-at-home spouse facilitated their mate’s ability to earn income and saved the household a lot of money.) As one husband put it, “I resent that I’m the one working long hours, but because she wants to save everything for a house payment, she says I can’t go to a basketball game with a friend.” And on the flip side, several stay-at-home moms (and a few dads) said they often felt guilty when they bought something for themselves.

That sneaky, inaccurate idea that the person who earns the money deserves more say can also be the cause of a knee-jerk reaction.

If you are doing X now, it means you will do XX later.

Often, we make something (a spouse’s decision, a situation, a money problem) far bigger than it is by assuming it predicts something down the road. We project into the future and have knee-jerk reactions based on what we are assuming will happen. As one man explained, “If I’m looking at what she bought, it isn’t just about this purchase. In my mind, it is one of many. Shoes last week and pants today will mean new tops tomorrow.”

My spouse just doesn’t care.

Whether you think “She doesn’t care about how hard I have to work for our money,” or “he’s trying to control me by restricting my spending,” the temptation is the same: to jump to the worst conclusion about your spouse. To be fair, it is human nature to do this, but if we are going to foster trust and unity in our marriages, we need to start assuming the best of our partners.

So what do we do about it?

Did any of those sound familiar? If so, here’s the good news—once you peel back what is under your initial reaction and identify the incorrect belief underneath, you can begin dealing with the real issue.

Try these steps:

Step 1: List what applies to you and your spouse.

Go through the faulty assumptions (you can see all of them in Thriving in Love and Money) and identify which ones apply to you. Then identify areas where you and your spouse have contrasting opinions. This will help you watch out for those reactions going forward.

Step 2: Next time you are tempted toward a knee-jerk reaction (or see one from a spouse) ask yourself why.

Give yourself space between the experience of a feeling (or your spouse’s) and your actions. And ask yourself some probing questions about those feelings. For example, “Is my spouse wrong about not wanting to buy so many Christmas gifts, or do we just have a difference of opinion?” Or “Is my spouse really trying to control me by not letting me purchase that new rug, or is he just concerned about staying within our budget?”

Doing this will not only allow you space, but it will also help you understand yourself and your spouse better.

Step 3: Honor your spouse’s feelings.

Once you become aware of the knee-jerk tendencies that could be arising in you and your spouse, you will be more equipped to handle the problem before it becomes too big. If you realize you’ve overreacted, explain to your spouse what you’ve been realizing about what is under the surface. And, if needed, apologize in a way that honors them.

Always keep in mind that what we see on the surface of money issues (a seemingly irrational reaction) is often only a signal of something that lies beneath. Once we are willing to pause and examine our thoughts and feelings, we have a beautiful opportunity to move from conflict and overreactions and toward honest communication, connection, and much more intimacy.

For more tips on creating unity around finances, visit thriveinloveandmoney.com to take the free assessment or read more in our book, Thriving in Love and Money.)

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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When Knee-Jerk Reactions Cause Money Tension In Marriage A Tale of Two Men—And What It Means for You Why does my man try to carry all the groceries in at once? Why Can’t We Just Go To Sleep? In Case You Missed It—Blogs and Updates Want to Fight Anxiety? Point Out the Positive![image error]

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A Tale of Two Men—And What It Means for You

This weekend, I saw a great example of a dynamic that I believe impacts a lot of men—and by extension, everyone else. Something that requires our attention as those who care about men and culture. Something that may even require our attention in our own marriages, and with our sons.

I flew to a speaking engagement and back this weekend—out Saturday morning, back Sunday night. I boarded the flight out with my usual executive-size roller suitcase. (Every public speaker has learned the hard way that you don’t check a bag with your “nice clothes” if you have to speak within 24 hours!) My suitcase this time was unusually full and heavy and as I tried to lift it into an overhead bin, three different men in nearby rows noticed me struggle. All three of them asked, “Can I help you?” at the same time and started to get to their feet.

The closest one stepped forward, and I said, “That would be great, thank you so much.” He easily levered the bag into place, nodded, and returned to his seat. I thought grateful thoughts on the flight.

Boarding the airplane back was very different. I rolled my heavy suitcase on and struggled to lift it up high enough to get it into the bin. I could see four men in nearby rows watching my efforts—yet none of them said anything. But here’s the thing: I could tell each of them wanted to.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see their reactions. Each individual guy was strugglingto not jump up. To not say, “Can I help you?” I could feel their conflict. One in particular—a thirty-something guy dressed in business casual—looked very torn. He literally had his hands on his arm rests, as if he wanted to push himself to his feet. But he didn’t.

I gave up momentarily, put the suitcase down heavily, and rubbed my shoulder. I was saved by a young college guy coming down the aisle after me. He was wearing a Wake Forest University sweatshirt and was probably 18 years old—too young to have the concerns the other men did. (More on that in a moment.)

He rushed up to me and said, “Do you need help?” I gratefully said, “Yes, thank you!” He put my suitcase in the bin, smiled at my thanks, and went on his way.

I’m actually writing these words on the flight back, thinking about the four men sitting in nearby seats around me—especially the one guy who was forcing himself to not help. It makes me so sad. Not because he didn’t help me—not at all!—but because he clearly felt like he couldn’t help me. That it would be wrong, in some way, to offer.

Men are getting more and more cautious

This is a little snapshot of our culture, isn’t it? This dynamic has been running in the background for decades, but as I’ve spoken to men in the last few years, I have heard them getting more and more cautious.

They are particularly cautious about overstepping personal boundaries—which, of course, isn’t always a bad thing. It is great, for example, that the #MeToo movement helped many well-meaning men see how they might make women uncomfortable without intending to—for example, via regular personal compliments. (More on that in this article.) But that concern combined with the often male-bashing direction of our culture may have resulted in men becoming too cautious.

Too many good men are now second-guessing their natural instincts to step up. They wonder if a female stranger might take their offer of help as a slight or an insult. Perhaps they should probably explicitly wait for said female stranger to ask for help before they give it. And this, of course, collides with the reality that because we as women are quite capable, thank you very much, something in us doesn’t want to have to ask for help. (Since I still feel 30 years old inside, there is something slightly mortifying about actually needing more help, physically, than I did twenty years ago.)

Men feel like they are not “allowed” to be what all men feel called to be

And here’s the bottom line: as good men are attacked for wanting to help, as they hold themselves back, they begin to feel like they are not allowed to be what all men feel calledto be. Even the science of how we are created differently as men and women points to this. For me as a person of faith, I also clearly see this in what the Bible describes about a few specific callings for men: to be those who step up, who protect others, who fight for those who can’t fight for themselves, who provide for their families. This doesn’t mean that women cannot also do all of those things, of course! But the guys who are growing up in and navigating this culture today are sometimes made to feel that the callings they feel deep inside are wrong. That lending women their strength (in all the ways that means) somehow tells women we aren’t strong.

I hear this especially from those in the millennial and early Gen Z generations. I think it is no coincidence that the men who offered to help me were all a bit older than me, and the men who stopped themselves were all younger.

So what can we do?

What do we do about all this? Well, we can try to change things one interaction at a time. In a moment, I want to ask guys to chime in, but first, let me speak directly to women.

We as women can show the men we live and work with that we appreciate them stepping up to their callings, and don’t see it as denigrating us at all. If you’re married, show your husband this piece and ask if he ever feels this way. Maybe we need to wrestle with whether we have subtly encouraged our man to not step up at home because he feels like he never knows what reception he is going to receive when he offers. We may need to purposefully and simply say “thank you” instead.

Or outside the home, when we calmly and confidently thank our male colleague for his offer to help install the awkward exhibit hanging, we take back a tiny bit of ground from the insidious messaging that makes him feel that offer would be disrespectful.

This is particularly important because our sons are watching. Do we want our sons to step up and help those around them, or do we want them always holding themselves back?

Bottom line, we should be the type of person who is verbally grateful instead of always sending defensive signals that we could have done it ourselves. Sure, we could have. And sometimes, we will still do it ourselves! Just because an offer is made, we don’t have to accept it. But men need to know that it is a good thing—not a bad one!—that they made the offer.

A man should never, ever have to watch someone struggling to lift her suitcase into the overhead bin, with his hands rigid and tight on his armrests, forcing himself to stay silent and not help. That is a man denying something deep and good that I believe God put directly into his heart.

A request for men: What do you most want people to know about how you feel in this area?

So now, let me ask men: Do you have anything you want to share? Do you feel this pressure to hold back from helping? Do you not? What do you do about it? What should women do?

I’d love your anonymous comments and advice in this form. I’ll compile what everyone sends me and write a follow-up blog about all the anonymous comments I get.

Let me end with this. So much of what we are told today is that there is no real difference between men and women, nothing that makes us special and unique from each other. But I hope each of us can resolve to share a different message that celebrates how we are made.

And as one small step in that direction: if you know a young college guy with short blond hair and a “Wake” sweatshirt who was flying Delta from Philadelphia to Atlanta on the night of August 21 . . . tell him he did good.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

A Tale of Two Men—And What It Means for You Why does my man try to carry all the groceries in at once? Why Can’t We Just Go To Sleep? In Case You Missed It—Blogs and Updates Want to Fight Anxiety? Point Out the Positive! Why Does My Wife Expect Me to Read Her Mind?

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Why does my man try to carry all the groceries in at once?

It turns out that there is something very major under the surface of this very minor question.

Recently, Jeff and I went on a big shopping expedition for groceries and many other essentials for our college-bound kids. We finally rolled home with about 20 bags and boxes—everything from a shower curtain liner to a boxed coffee maker to cartons of fresh fruit and dorm-friendly snacks. I then watched in disbelief as Jeff opened the minivan door and began gathering up one bag after another, then more, then more, and then moved to put the coffee maker box under his arm.

What was he doing??

“Honey, let me help!” There was no pause in his movements. “Honey, I’m right here!”

He looked up and grinned as he delicately hooked the last bag with his pinkie finger. “Just open the kitchen door, wouldja?”

Speechless, I watched as the precariously balanced items moved toward the door, convinced that at any moment the coffee maker would crash and break, and the strawberries would fall and be smushed underfoot.

Ladies, will you join me in asking: WHY?! Why risk a wife’s mini-heart attack? I know that question is NOT just mine, because when I went on a popular photography site to find an image for this piece and simply searched “grocery bag,” the above image is what came up!!!

So I figured I would put on my social-researcher hat and ask a bunch of husbands this week’s question. What I heard is enlightening—because there is something very important running under the surface. There are three factors here that are pretty simple . . . but also pretty meaningful for all of us who want to have a great relationship with our man. (And these same factors often matter to our sons, as well.)

Factor #1: It’s a challenge—and he can beat it

Although there are exceptions, for a lot of women the related question is, “Why would anyone take the risk of having all the groceries crash to the ground?” It is immensely puzzling—even exasperating!

So here’s the first and most important answer we heard: as one man put it, “But the point is that I won’t let everything crash to the ground. That I can do this.” The lure of somehow managing to carry in everything at once is all about a desire to tackle a challenge—and master it.

Why? Why does that matter?

Secretly, there’s something in the heart of a man that is always doubting himself. You usually don’t see that insecurity but it is there, in at least 75% of men on our surveys. So to overcome that insecurity, a guy subconsciously looks for opportunities to set before himself a challenging task and beat it. This is especially appealing where he knows the risk of failure is low—he’s in front of his wife, not the review committee at work. Successfully balancing 15 boxes of crackers and fruit and getting them all inside safely is his day’s version of climbing Pike’s Peak. There’s a rush of energy as feel-good endorphins and hormones like dopamine flood his brain; a rush that comes with the sense that he’s “done good.”

This is the same reason that back in the pre-GPS day a guy would never want to ask for directions, preferring to tackle the wilds of the urban jungle with just his wits and mental compass. Or why your man today might be trying to keep alive a daily Fitbit streak of going to the gym 60 minutes a day—even though it always makes him have to rush to work. Or why he’s being prickly about your requests to get rid of that old car in the garage because gosh darn it, he’s going to get it up and running again.

He is seeking a chance to push himself. Sometimes, doing the hard things is the path to greatness—no pain, no gain. This is his chance to confront a challenge head-on . . . and emerge triumphant.

Factor #2: He wants you to cheer him on

Oh boy. This is where I often fail miserably. As you can see from my semi-exasperated statements to Jeff, I often do the opposite. Pestering Jeff to not try to carry everything was not a huge deal—but it was exactly the opposite of what he was looking for. Many of us either tolerate our man’s efforts (sometimes rolling our eyes in the process) or get actively frustrated.

I’m quite convicted to realize that what my husband—perhaps like yours!—is looking for is active encouragement. A man might not actually be climbing Pike’s Peak but he is still testing himself against adversity. He wants to feel that he’s “done good”—especially because you think he has done good!

Which leads to the third and final truth that we need to reckon with.

Factor #3: He wants you to trust him

Why do we wince—or even get mad!—when our man picks up that gravity-defying stack of groceries? It’s because we don’t trust him to be able to do it well.

Now, we may think it is perfectly logical not to trust him—after all, we think, we wouldn’t be able to do what he is trying to do! But the men I have asked about this—every single one—have said they wouldn’t attempt it if they hadn’t decided they could accomplish it.

“I’m not dumb—I know when it is truly beyond me,” one man said. “But otherwise, it is exciting to try and show that it isn’t beyond me.”

And that is why this minor little issue touches a much deeper reality: Many issues in our relationship stem from this dichotomy: Our man is longing for us to trust him—and we usually do, in theory! Yet when push comes to shove (or when he is ferrying both the baby carrier and a giant stack of boxes from the car) we don’t know that we can trust him after all. We signal the opposite. Which in any one little situation isn’t a big deal—but all too often the little situations pile up. Most of us don’t want to walk through our days in such a way that we confirm our man’s secret insecurities instead of countering them!

Sure, there will be occasions where to trust is foolish. After all, there are, sadly, unreliable individuals and difficult situations that require sober-minded thinking and intervention instead. Or there may be cases where a man doesn’t realize he is trying to juggle something valuable or precious, and he would want you to rescue that item yourself.

But in most cases, with most of our men, we can choose to trust. We can choose to avoid reacting in a way that rejects the idea of his competence. We can choose to hold our breath and look away if necessary. Or . . . we can even choose to say, “you go, boy!” and enjoy the sight of our man accomplishing something that makes him feel so pleased with himself.

When we do, we can also watch and see how that choice changes our man’s demeanor . . . and our feelings about the whole thing. Because that moment is when we realize that he longs to see his wife being his cheerleader, and that our little bit of encouragement is a minor daily boost to his belief in himself. Which means it isn’t so minor after all.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Why does my man try to carry all the groceries in at once? Why Can’t We Just Go To Sleep? In Case You Missed It—Blogs and Updates Want to Fight Anxiety? Point Out the Positive! Why Does My Wife Expect Me to Read Her Mind? How to Read Your Wife’s Mind

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Why Can’t We Just Go To Sleep?

Guys, picture the scene. You have had a long and tiring day. So has your wife. You’ve made dinner while your wife corralled the kids for homework. After eating, getting the munchkins to bed, and cleaning up, the two of you finally have a few precious minutes of peace before bedtime. Maybe that home-improvement show will be just the mindless downtime you both need to unwind before you head upstairs to bed. Although, now that you think about it, maybe you should head upstairs for another reason . . .

And that’s when your wife, snuggling next to you on the sofa, says, “Well, I just found out that Mom is thinking of moving to warmer weather. I have no idea what we are going to do without her being here to watch the kids while we’re at work.”

And just like that, the night goes in a very different direction than you were expecting.

Why does it so often tend to work that way? Many men have asked me over the years, Why is it that my wife so often wants to talk about the deep issues of life, marriage, and family right as we are thinking about heading to bed?

I hear you. You love your wife and want to be there for her, but you find the timing very perplexing. An out-of-the-blue discussion of a major issue is not what most guys are planning on as their brain winds down to sleep. So based on many years of interviews and surveys of women, including for our book For Men Only, here is what I suspect is going on—and what to do about it.

Here’s the big picture: By raising this issue at this time, your wife is saying three things to you. Learn these and work with them, and you’re the hero.

She is saying: “I want to connect with you.”What you can do: If possible, engage in the conversation without trying to hurry it along.

Now, you may have been anticipating an entirely different way of connecting! But tonight as you climb into bed, your wife says, “Honey, I’ve been needing to ask you about something. What did Jonathan say to you after you caught him looking at that inappropriate stuff on his phone?” Or “I got a call from the grandkids today. I’m really worried that Jessica and Doug aren’t taking them to church anymore.”

Here’s what you need to know: Although your wife is indeed wanting to discuss an actual issue (more on that in a moment), she is, first and foremost, wanting to connect with you. To the degree that you haven’t had time during the day (or several days) for an involved conversation, she has probably been feeling a bit distant. She has been storing up this topic in her heart, wanting to share it—not just with a girlfriend or her sister or with her journal . . . but with you. An out-of-the-blue deep question is a signal. It means that she’s looking for engagement. For time together. So to the degree that you can pivot and engage in the conversation without getting impatient or trying to hurry it along, it will make her feel loved and connected. Especially if you can listen to her feelings rather than racing toward a solution.

What if you can’t pivot? What if you’re exhausted and your brain is shutting down? The key is to explain that and then make a date (that you will proactively keep!) to have the conversation as soon as feasible. In other words, “My talk with Jonathan was good, but we have some follow-up to do. The thing is . . . right now, I’m so tired that I’m going to forget stuff. How about as soon as we get the kids off to school, let’s sit down and have some coffee and I’ll tell you all about it.”

She is saying: “In order to think this through, I need to talk it through—and I’d like to do that with you.”What you can do: Cultivate understanding of how her brain works . . . and help her process out loud.

You may have seen from experience that men and women sometimes process emotions and thoughts in different ways. And in this case, actual differences in our brain wiring may be behind two specific things that are going on.

First, in general, most men (more than seven out of ten) prefer to think things through internally—in other words, think about something and then talk about it. Most women are the other way around—due to their brain wiring, most women instinctively want to talk something through in order to think it through. Which is why 95% of women don’t want a solution handed to them before they have had a chance to process and think out loud for themselves.

So if your wife is a process-out-loud sort of person, instead of you jumping straight to the short cut of the solution so you can go to sleep (“Well, let’s just offer to take the grandkids to church with us next week”) recognize how her brain works and that she is actively wanting to think it through.

She is saying: “This is bugging me and I can’t go to sleep until I figure out what would make me feel better.”What you can do: Listen without judgment that she needs something to make her feel better!

The second way you see the brain wiring in action comes when the topic is something that is bugging her and she wants to process it so that she can go to sleep.

Briefly, imagine our brains are like computers with one or more windows open. In most cases (roughly 75%), men will have one mental “window” open at a time. It is as if you focus on that thought or topic, close that window, then open up the next one. It’s a very sequential process and, once bedtime arrives, you are generally able to close the last window and go to sleep.

Many women have a different experience. In fact, our research for For Men Only found that 87% of women have many windows open at once. All day, we women bounce back and forth between the thoughts we are processing. Did the kids finish their homework? Is my boss still upset at that error? Has the dog been out? Did we sign that permission slip? By the time we crawl into bed and try to close out our mental desktop, there is often a worry-window that has been sitting there all day, bugging us, that we haven’t been able to focus on yet. And if we don’t focus on it, we’ll probably be lying awake with our mind whirring for a while. Because unlike with the brain wiring of most men, the brain wiring of most women isn’t set up to easily “close out” an annoying mental window.

Your wife may be reaching out to you because discussing the issue will help her figure out what would make her feel better. This might mean that she processes toward a “solution” (as mentioned earlier) or it might simply involve her figuring out what would quiet her heart even if it doesn’t solve the actual problem. For example: “Maybe we should offer to take the grandkids to church at some point, but first . . . I think I just need to have a heart-to-heart with Jessica about where they are. This is a marathon and not a sprint, and I don’t want to come across as pushy.”

So guys, the next time the clock hits 11:00 pm, and your wife rolls over and wants to discuss something, understand that she doesn’t want to cause sleep deprivation! She is sending a signal that she is looking to you, the most important person in her life, for engagement on a topic that matters. If you can’t engage right then, she will understand—especially if you establish a pattern of following through on the conversation shortly thereafter. But no matter when you talk, the good news is this: your work to understand her will signal something as well—that you care.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Why Can’t We Just Go To Sleep? In Case You Missed It—Blogs and Updates Want to Fight Anxiety? Point Out the Positive! Why Does My Wife Expect Me to Read Her Mind? How to Read Your Wife’s Mind Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Men and Women

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In Case You Missed It—Blogs and Updates

I figured since we were halfway through 2022, I wanted to send out an “In Case You Missed It” email. My team and I are busy with so many projects including finalizing details on my new research book, The Secrets of Sex and Marriage (and the exciting videos and resources that go along with it!), working on my upcoming devotional, Find Hope, and gearing up for a season of speaking events, marriage retreats . . . and of course, planning and writing new articles for my blog!

So, if in the busyness of the first half of 2022, you missed a few of our blogs on marriage, relationships, parenting, and kindness, you can catch up here!

Our top marriage advice blogs for newlyweds, nearly-weds and already-weds!:

Men and Women

Sex

Money

Communication

Stopping Negative Thinking about Your Spouse

10 Encouraging Facts About Marriage

Parenting Teens:

A Different Perspective on Teens—and How to Talk to Them

Kindness:

Let’s Bring Kindness Back!

Want a New Year’s Resolution That Will Actually Make a Real Difference?

–Shaunti

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

In Case You Missed It—Blogs and Updates Want to Fight Anxiety? Point Out the Positive! Why Does My Wife Expect Me to Read Her Mind? How to Read Your Wife’s Mind Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Men and Women Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Sex

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Want to Fight Anxiety? Point Out the Positive!

In the climate we’re living in right now (and I’m not even talking about the sweltering heat of the mid-summer South!), do you ever feel your anxiety rising when you turn on the news? Or open your social media account? Maybe you find yourself getting stressed by the latest inflation numbers as you scan your grocery bill or the cost of goods for your small business. Or perhaps you’re constantly on edge during family dinners or church barbeques, just hoping and praying that people won’t start getting into angry politics. 

So much is going on in our world that can make us anxious, on edge, angry or annoyed, right? And much of that is not “all in our minds”—it’s legitimately concerning.  

But you know what else is legitimate? The fact there are also so many beautiful things going on in our world—and in our own homes! And that needs to be “in our minds” as well!

As the cashier rings up our concerning grocery bill, there are also things we can look at that can cause us to be hopeful, happy, content, grateful, and full of joy. The happy toddlers sitting in the shopping cart—what a gift they are! The fact that we are going to load our groceries into a car and drive home—how many people would love to be able to do that. The gratitude for living in a country that may have its issues but it is peaceful and free.

This is not just a trite feel-good exercise. It is an absolutely essential way to take back the narrative of our anxious hearts and see the very real truths that we so often take for granted. 

For a bit more on how to do that, below is an excerpt from my latest devotional, Find Joy: A devotional journey to unshakable wonder in an uncertain world. I figured it was a good reminder to all of us that when we find ourselves caught in a cycle of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, maybe we can switch our perspective and start “pointing and calling” out all the good in our lives. 

And I’ll start right now by pointing at you, my readers, and tell you how grateful I am for you. You are a blessing to me and Jeff, and our entire team!

In James Clear’s book Atomic Habits, he talks about the Japanese railway system and its extraordinary “Point-and-Call” system. To an outside observer, it seems odd to hear the train operators pointing at a light and saying, “the signal is red” or at the clock and saying, “the time is 9:27.” But it has proven so effective that it has reduced errors by 85 percent. 

Because train operators are using their eyes, ears, mouth, and hands at the same time, they bring a heightened level of awareness to what could be a very monotonous and subconscious daily chore. By literally pointing and calling out what they see, they have prevented serious accidents in ways train operators have never been able to do before. 

I love this idea for those of us seeking wonder instead of monotony and joy instead of stress. We may not always do it out loud, but I can imagine us at work (“The printer is working today! Yay!”) or at the grocery store (“I’m thankful for that coffee right there!”), mentally pointing at things that we often take for granted. Because if you think about it, those “taken for granted” things are actually great, great gifts in our lives. 

Consider pointing at your spouse (“My husband gives the best hugs!”) or at your church (“I’m so grateful for this community of believers!”). Point at yourself (“This body was able to wake up today to please God and make Him known!). Can you picture yourself filling your joy tank as you get in the wonderful habit of pointing out things that you are grateful for?

We so often slide into doing the exact opposite, don’t we? It is so easy to subconsciously—or even verbally—point out things that are not life-giving. What do you think happens when we point and call out the disobedient child? And then ourselves for seemingly failing at this motherhood gig? Or the husband or friend who hurt your feelings with that insensitive comment? Or the fact that it’s raining and you can’t afford to fix the leaky roof?

Yes, in this life, there is trouble. But there are also gifts. If we don’t try to counter our subconscious bent toward discontent, we are doing ourselves a huge disservice. God gives us good, good gifts, and it’s up to us to see them. Let’s be intentional about noticing the gifts God has put in our path. 

Even in difficulty, daily joy is ours for the taking. All we have to do is point and call. 

Excerpts taken from Shaunti’s newest book, Find Joy: A Devotional Journey to Unshakable Wonder in an Uncertain World from iDisciple Publishing.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Want to Fight Anxiety? Point Out the Positive! Why Does My Wife Expect Me to Read Her Mind? How to Read Your Wife’s Mind Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Men and Women Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Sex What I’m Loving Lately—Summer Edition

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