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When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two

This is the second of three articles in a series written by Christian Sex Therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma of Building Intimate Marriages, offering hope, encouragement, and direction to wives who have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands.  In Part One, Dr. Sytsma encouraged these wives to first create a good environment for communication, make sure they are managing their own expectations, and not assume that their husband doesn’t care or has some unhealthy reason for his lower level of desire.   

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two. 

By Dr. Michael Sytsma 

As you work on yourself (as encouraged in Part One), so that you can eventually address this issue in a healthy way, you will inevitably encounter the time in which you have to… well… address this issue in a healthy way.   

So our focus in Part Two is this:  Create a Good Process For Discussion 

Most high-desire wives are so eager to “figure out what is going on,” that they try to jump right to diagnosing explanations without the internal and external preparation we’re discussing here, and without having a good process set up. This rarely works, and can actually lead to discouragement that never had to happen! Preparing well will set a much better foundation for success on this issue that is so important to you. 

So here are five elements of a good process. 

Element #1: Center Yourself And Resolve to Stay Calm 

Your main area of power, mentioned in the first article in this series, focuses on centering yourself and staying calm as you think about the issues involved – and especially once you talk to your husband about it. Your husband’s lack of desire might not — and likely doesn’t — have anything to do with you. Recognizing that, avoiding the tendency to think otherwise, and deciding to stay even and balanced will provide the critical foundation you need to move forward. 

Maintaining a steady demeanor will also provide the crucial safety factor that allows him to feel like he can take the risk of opening up to you. After all, this is a topic about which he probably already feels inadequate – which is often a man’s most painful feeling, even without being applied to an area so central to his sense of manhood. So, your husband is likely to be sensitive. If you resolve to stay calm and compassionate throughout the conversation (more on how to do that, below) it is far more likely that you’ll be able to discuss this topic not just once but over time as needed. 

Element #2: Be Intentional About the Right Time and Place to Talk 

Many couples seem to suppress their frustrations until they blow up, and then complain that the conversation escalated, or that their spouse shut down. A much better approach is to be intentional and plan a time to talk about the issue. This might mean a brief getaway, or just setting aside several hours to be together without the kids. Make it a time when you will both be rested and ready to focus on the issue at hand. 

Element #3: Pray Before You Talk 

I know many of you are in different places spiritually, and some will hold to different beliefs. But I’ve come to believe that the skills and attitude required to be a great spouse are not human. What I mean by that is that being truly humble, gracious, deeply respecting, cherishing, and appropriately assertive are truly “Christ-like” characteristics, more than they are natural human tendencies. Asking God to keep you centered and to take control of you and the discussion so you can truly understand and strengthen your husband’s heart can be critical as you seek success. 

Element #4: When You Talk, Get Curious   

When you finally sit down to talk, it is critical that you take on an attitude of curiosity. The research for Secrets of Sex & Marriage reinforced the importance of curiosity (see chapter 7). Rather than jumping to your own explanations for his behavior, work on leaning in and being curious. How does he explain it? Work on generating a dialogue with him. You aren’t there to problem solve just yet; you are there to understand. This isn’t about who is right or wrong, it’s about clearly hearing his explanation. The goal at this point is not to fix it, but to understand it. Later–after both spouses feel understood – you can begin to move toward solutions. 

When approaching your husband with curiosity, remember that he may not be proud of his behavior or his level of drive. He hears many of the same cultural messages and stereotypes you do. Many husbands who are the low desire spouse feel a sense of shame that they don’t want to have sex with their wives more frequently. Shame is not a good motivator of open, healthy communication — or of healthy choices. 

“Look at my wife. She is beautiful! What man wouldn’t want to climb into bed and enjoy her? What is wrong with me that I don’t?” That has been the heart cry of more than one husband in my office. For one, his wife was convinced he didn’t like her body, but that wasn’t his explanation. It took her quite a while to get past her fear to hear his cry of pain. But when she did, they were able to begin moving together to toward a solution. 

Another landmine to watch out for when leaning in and being curious is his fear of opening up. This fear can come from a host of sources, including being afraid to really look within himself, bad experiences from sharing in the past (with you or others), or a fear of how you will handle it if he is honest. Your task is to do your best to create space for him to explore. Stay curious past his initial explanation. “Help me to understand” is a far better internal stance than, “Tell me what’s wrong so we can fix it.” Similarly, “You are wrong and need to change” pretty much never works. Some couples find it is easier to have some conversations through letter writing, email, or in front of a counselor. Work hard to make it safe for both of you to talk, even if it means absorbing some difficult information. 

Element #5: Get Specialized Help If Necessary 

It is vital to realize that your willingness to work hard to make it safe to talk, and your “resolve” to be calm and curious, may not be enough. The actual conversation is where the situation can get difficult and complex – and it is important to be wise about whether you’ll need outside help from the beginning. If something he says (or doesn’t say) throws you off center, might you – despite your good intentions — become reactive? (Blow up/cave in/run away?)  If so, the conversation will go bad and cause more distance in your sex life. Similarly, you might stall out as a couple if he is not comfortable opening up to explore what he really wants sexually — or what he thinks the problem is. If you believe either of these is likely to be the case, seek out someone who can help the two of you talk through it. Just as you will need to feel heard, your husband needs to feel that his heart and manhood are safe going into this conversation. 

Now You Can Explore the Explanations 

Finally, now that you’ve set up a good, safe process, begin to explore explanations for his lower desire – or your higher desire. There are three possible explanations: his desire is normal, his desire is problematic, or your desire is problematic. We will address these explanations in the third and final segment of the series. 

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three. God is on the Move at Harvard – and in our World 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 3 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 2

The post When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three.

This is the third and final article in a 3-part series written by Christian Sex Therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma of Building Intimate Marriages, offering hope, encouragement, and direction to wives who have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands.  In Part One and Part Two, Dr. Sytsma pointed out that wives with a stronger sexual drive than their husbands will need to prepare to work through this difficult area of conflict with patience, clear communication, a sense of calmness and curiosity, reasonable expectations, prayer, a decision to avoid assuming the worst about the reasons for the mismatch – and a willingness to get specialized help for the conversation if needed. 

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three. 

By Dr. Michael Sytsma 

Now let’s dive into the clinical, psychological, and emotional aspects of why a husband’s sex drive might be lower than his wife’s. 

Our focus in Part Three of this series is: Explore the three possible explanations. 

Explanation #1: It’s Normal 

Sometimes, the most accurate explanation is that the wife’s natural sexual desire is simply higher than the husband’s. Nothing is broken or wrong in either of you. 

Many people don’t realize, in fact, that there are different types of desire. As we discuss in our book, Secrets of Sex & Marriage, and in my streaming course on desire, “Initiating desire” is characterized by wanting to pursue sex and being quickly ready, and is typically tied to a higher level of testosterone.  A second type of desire is “receptive” desire. This is a normal type of desire where the spouse will typically experience desire only after they have chosen to begin to engage in sex and are viewing it positively.  It is perfectly normal to be a couple where you, as the wife, happen to have initiating desire and your husband happens to have receptive desire – in fact our research found this pattern exists in more than one in ten marriages (12 percent).  If this is true for your marriage, each of you will benefit from understanding both your own type of desire and your spouse’s, as well as how to work with it and grow as a couple. 

“Normal” couples are not perfectly matched in sexual desire — one typically has a higher drive than the other. Spouses reported the same level of desire in only 21 percent of couples in our research. For some couples, the spouse who is the high-desire partner switches at various times in marriage due to stressors like children, finances, careers, and physical issues. As stated earlier, the majority of the time the higher desire spouse is the husband, but for 24 percent of marriages, the wife is. If you are simply one of that 24 percent, learning to accept your role may be critical. 

Accepting your role will mean different things in each marriage. It often means accepting that you will typically be the initiator of sexual interaction. It may mean figuring out how to seduce him on a regular basis, especially if his desire is more the receptive type. And, while it may involve learning how to share with him when you are feeling disconnected and desiring sexual connection, it does not mean shaming him or demanding from him. 

As a couple, if you are working with a Christian sex therapist, your husband will be given tasks to fulfill, such as disciplining himself to engage with you sexually on a regular basis out of a heart of love for your needs — but you do not control his tasks. Your task is to learn how to accept your role as normal for your marriage. Due to the sensitivity of this scenario — for example, you may be feeling like sex is a ‘duty’ to him, he may be feeling badly that sex feels like a ‘duty’ to him, and he may feel badly that it feels badly to you (it’s complicated) — it very likely warrants at least a few sessions with a specialized Christian sex therapist to get you on the road to understanding and putting to practice these disciplines. 

Explanation #2: Your High Desire is Problematic 

  It is possible that your desire is problematically high. High desire alone rarely causes distress in a marriage. What we do with the high desire — demanding, shaming, redirecting, etc. — is what tends to cause the problems. If you are wanting sex many times a week over a significant period of time (weeks to months) and are having trouble disciplining it, I recommend talking with a professional to assess if it may be some type of hyper-sexuality. 

But remember: just because you and your husband think your level of desire is problematically high, doesn’t mean a professional will agree.  A well-trained and experienced counselor can provide an assessment and a path forward.  Also, realize that an unusually high level of desire is no problem if the two of you agree on the frequency. It only becomes a problem if you’re not in agreement, or you direct it somewhere other than your spouse. 

Explanation #3: His Low Desire is Problematic 

If we put male sexual desire on a bell curve, we have difficulty identifying when it is low enough to label it a problem in need of treatment. If the two of you suspect his desire is more problematically low than normal, it’s time to explore some of the explanations. The following are some of the common explanations I have found: 

His life is out of balance. This may be the most common reason I find for low sexual desire in men. Getting men to stop working 80 hours a week, to get more than 6 hours of sleep each night, to eat healthy, to get regular exercise, and to take time off to relax can make a huge difference in sexual desire. While this may seem simplistic, getting off the treadmill to relax on a routine enough basis to impact his sexual desire may require significant life changes, including a different job with less pay. If you find yourself as a couple in this situation, a life coach or counselor may be able to give you some helpful advice on making some significant changes that can lead to a more fulfilling life. 

Hormonal imbalance. There is a lot of controversy in assessing and treating testosterone and other male hormone levels. Sometimes, the best way to address low testosterone is getting life back in balance. Other times, finding a physician who is up on the latest research, and who monitors more than just testosterone — and treats your scenario with more complexity than just giving a monthly shot, patch, gel, or spray — can make a world of difference.   

Performance fears. With both men and women, our sexual desire is hugely impacted by fear. I often hear husbands express fear that they might not be able to perform as well as they believe they should. This is especially true as men get older and erections are less reliable. Some men repress their desires rather than risk the embarrassment or shame of Erectile Dysfunction with their wives. 

The fear that the husband won’t be able to please his wife sexually can be reinforced if her desire is naturally higher than his, she has had more sexual partners, or she is more adventurous or erotic than he is. Another common fear is pain. If the wife experiences pain during sex even somewhat consistently (which nearly one-third of women do), a sensitive, caring husband may lose desire out of what appears to be an unconscious protection of  his wife. 

Redirected sexuality. Another reason husbands have a low desire to connect sexually with their wives is because they are redirecting their sexual behavior. The greatest fear for many wives is that he is having an affair. This is, of course, one of the most destructive ways sexual desire is directed away from marriage. In the event you discover an affair, please seek help quickly. Some of the best marriages I work with have healed from affairs, but this usually takes skilled guidance with a professional, specialized counselor –not just a general marriage counselor — who has had experience working in this particular arena (you can find some referral resources at secretsofsexandmarriage.com). 

More common ways sexual desire is directed away from the marriage is through masturbation and pornography. This can initially be devastating to many wives. Most will start by believing it is about them — “If I looked different he wouldn’t be looking at that.” But the reality is that this was likely occurring long before the marriage and has nothing to do with the wife. Centering yourself, allowing this to be your husband’s issue, and challenging him to get the help he needs to remove it from his life and your marriage are key steps to moving forward. Go gently and prayerfully into this challenge, and get educated on it (I recommend the resources at secretsofsexandmarriage.com, as well as Shaunti Feldhahn’s book Through A Man’s Eyes.) He is likely not proud of the behavior and will almost certainly be defensive at first, maybe even attacking and blaming you. Expect it and plan not to be reactive, or the focus may shift to the fight and away from the issue. Gently express the negative impact on you, and invite him to be different. It is good to set a limit, saying this does not belong in your marriage, but it may take some work to get it removed. Seek help early if you think you need it. 

Personality issues. “She’s right,” one husband told me. “I honestly don’t think of having sex with her. I wake up thinking about work and go to sleep thinking about work. I love her and enjoy sex, but I just don’t think of it.” While this could mean he has a receptive desire, for this client it reflected some life imbalance. His comments reveal a hyper-focused husband. When asked, this husband said he desired sex 2-3 times a week and only with his wife.  We just needed to work on how to help him regularly step out of his hyper-focus to enjoy his wife and marriage. 

I have also seen low sexual desire show up in men who have obsessive-compulsive characteristics, and who greatly dislike the bodily fluids and general “mess” involved in sex. Other men have more autistic, detached general personality characteristics that keep them from desiring intimate contact like sex. 

Lack of attraction to spouse. While this is one of the most common fears of wives, it is one of the less common reasons husbands give for low sexual drive. But, while not as common as feared, there are husbands who struggle with the physical appearance of their wives. Occasionally this happens when couples marry because they are good friends and the marriage made sense, rather than because they fell in love and felt passion for each other. In these cases, developing a passion that was never there can be a tall order. Even if they aren’t successful in developing a passionate physical attraction, I often find these couples are capable of developing a rich, rewarding, and long lasting marriage that they wouldn’t trade for the physical rush. It’s helpful to keep in mind that a healthy goal is an intimate, fun, sensual, rich marriage. Pursuing that goal is very doable and can even build into a relationship with a very healthy eroticism. 

More typically, lack of self-care (which sometimes occurs after having children) causes areas of unattractiveness that distract him and inhibit his sexual desire. While wives are often afraid they need to have a perfect body, the right size breasts, and a flat stomach, that is usually completely untrue.  It is simply that a husband may be able to lean in better when she is practicing good self-care (a relatively healthy diet, and staying active) and working to be erotic and comfortable with her body. 

Sinful heart. Finally, I will occasionally discover a husband who has a withholding, sinful heart. Seeking to control or punish his wife by generally withholding himself from her can all be symptoms of a very wounded and punishing husband or a mean individual. When present, this is a spiritual issue on the part of the husband that the wife is powerless to address beyond praying for him and remaining her best, despite his behavior. Fortunately, this seems to be quite rare. I would suggest professional counseling for a wife who thinks this may be her situation, to assist her in identifying the healthiest path forward. 

Develop an Action Plan 

Once you understand your husband’s explanation for his low sexual desire, hopefully he will also have a better understanding of how it impacts you. Only then will you be ready to develop a tentative action plan for moving forward. If possible, agree together on the action steps and how you are going to track them. Work to accept influence from each other and don’t expect your best solution will necessarily work for the two of you. Most couples find it takes a variety of “solutions” over time to resolve the conflict over sexual desire. 

Keep moving forward with your plan. The reason most couples fail in this area is because the required conversations trigger so many negative emotions that they quickly begin to avoid the subject. I encourage you to not do that. Avoiding the subject means no progress is made and the couple is stuck and moving further apart. As you can see, courage and communication skills are critical for success, which is why many couples with trouble in this area need professional help. Keep leaning in and seek help if you need it. 

Keep the End in Mind 

Finally, keep the end in mind. If you have higher desire than he does, and your goal is mind-blowing sex multiple times a week, or a husband who is always hot after you, you may almost certainly be disappointed. If your goal is regular intimate lovemaking, you can most certainly be successful. God designed sex as a beautiful and powerful way to reflect Him and bond a couple together. Pursuing His goal for you as a couple is always worth it.    

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three. God is on the Move at Harvard – and in our World 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 3 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 2

The post When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three. appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

God is on the Move at Harvard – and in our World

For people of faith, it can seem like things in our culture are going downhill in every conceivable way. We see inflation that makes it hard to afford things that are important to us – whether that means necessities like groceries, or special events like a family trip to the beach. We see injustice and the unraveling of our civil liberties – whether that means Christians being shouted down on college campuses or ethnic minorities living with the double worry of inadequate and/or unsafe law enforcement. We see kids at risk in heartbreaking ways, brutal wars overseas, security threats, and domestic issues that have no easy solution.

And in the middle of all of that, we see divides growing in politics, on social media, and even in the church. The prospect of reasonable solutions seems to diminish as anger, personal attacks, and even hatred rises. It would be so easy to lose hope.

But God.

All those concerns are very real. But so is our great God. As Jesus put it, “My Father is always working, and so am I.” (John 5:17, NLT)

I want to share a powerful glimpse of the truth that God is working, via what happened last weekend at Harvard University. I think it’s so important that I am postponing my usual equipping blog this week to share this encouragement instead. First, a little background.

The challenge of Harvard (and most universities)

Jeff and I met in grad school at Harvard; I was getting an analytical master’s degree and he was at the law school. We were both followers of Jesus and found (as many others have) that this elite and supposedly enlightened environment could be a very, very difficult one for people of sincere faith. We observed firsthand how radically our leading universities have changed – and how they have led our overall culture in that change.

Harvard and many other universities were founded to honor God and equip Christian leaders to pursue and advance His truth and love in the world. Harvard was our nation’s first university, founded in 1636, and its motto for hundreds of years was “Veritas Christo et Ecclesiae” – Truth for Christ and the Church. But today as purely secular institutions, our universities have an almost institutional backlash against things of faith. It is as if many college leaders and students feel that the expression of our Judeo-Christian foundation is harmful, so they feel compelled to curtail or extinguish it. Today, Harvard’s motto is simply “Veritas” – truth in a vacuum. In prior generations, true debate among divergent viewpoints was viewed as essential for learning. Today, as with so much in our culture, true debate is shut down because certain viewpoints are viewed as illegitimate or even dangerous.

So Jeff and I did indeed find all those challenges on campus. Yet we also found something else: a vibrant Christian community. And among those young men and women who clung to God and leaned on each other in the various Christian fellowship groups, our faith grew in astounding ways. We realized we had a choice. We could hide our faith under a rock and simply try to endure the next few years, or we could live our authentic lives as Christians in public view and try to be a light in what was often a dark place. Sometimes that was easier than others, and we didn’t always do it well. Sometimes, in fact, we did it pretty badly. I know I’m not the only one who thinks back with some shame on times when I responded to class debates and the ridicule of others with cutting words or anger instead of love, patience, and kindness. I’m embarrassed by the many times I didn’t claim the name of Jesus because I didn’t want classmates or professors to think less of me. (A few years after I graduated, I even wrote a novel set at Harvard – a spiritual thriller called The Veritas Conflict – that included some of that history and environment in the story.)

Yet in the middle of all that, everyone was still praying. And for generations, people have been praying for Harvard and so many other schools. Because, as the saying describes, “As go our elite universities, so goes the nation.”

In all that time, God has not somehow been absent. He has heard those prayers. He has watered the seeds that so many have been planting – for example, via rich Veritas Forum networks of Christian thinkers at hundreds of secular universities in the last few decades, or via the recent revivals at Christian schools like Asbury University that have spread to others in the last few months.

Which brings me to recent events.

God is working!

A few years ago, one of our close friends from grad school received a call from the dean of Harvard Law School. Originally from Nigeria, our friend is a woman of great faith and prayer, and was a professor at another school. The dean essentially said, “We would like you to come to be a tenured professor here and start a Program on Biblical Law and Christian Legal Studies at Harvard Law School.”

If that had been me, I would have assumed it was a prank call.

But it was real. Our friend picked up, moved back to Boston, and started the program. She invited trusted leaders onto an advisory board (Jeff being one of them). She invited leading Christian speakers to share at small events on campus. She and others began teaching classes that explored the biblical foundations of the law – courses that were flooded with so many non-Christian students that they had to add more capacity. She connected with the rich networks of Christian students, professors, and student-ministry chaplains on campus, and helped create others. And they all kept praying.

And this past weekend … wow.

The program’s small staff, alumni, and volunteers convened an unprecedented conference on the campus of Harvard. Faith & Veritas 2023 was a gathering of hundreds of Harvard’s Christian alumni from around the world. From Thailand and Scotland, Los Angeles and Washington, D.C. Leaders from the right and the left. There were C-suite executives of household-name companies, founders of high-flying startups, government leaders, and brand-new graduates. Great leaders of the faith – and those just trying to hold on – packed the seats.

And tears were in our eyes as we joined in worship of Jesus in spaces where He is often ignored or ridiculed (often asking one another, “Can you believe this is happening?!”). We listened to challenging talks about living as followers of Jesus today, and honored the small local churches and often-exhausted pastors and church lay leaders who have humbly served students and the Boston community year after year, often with limited resources, many of them wondering if their work was even making a difference.

One of those pastors baptized me, two months before I graduated.

In life after life, those faithful, loving men and women have made an eternal difference.

Which brings me to the theme that came out of the gathering last weekend.

A call for unity and love among the Body of Christ

It wasn’t planned. But in talk after talk, God brought the same theme forward: The deep, vital need for unity and love in the Body of Christ. The need to let nothing hinder the light of Christ in these shadowlands. The need to respond to the challenges of our day in love and action, but never in fear, harshness, or a quest for power to “make things right.”

As several speakers emphasized, it is tempting to look at the challenges, injustices, and deeply disturbing problems of today and feel like the only answer is to fight back, even if we have to use harsh methods to do it. But we cannot use worldly methods to accomplish the aims of Jesus. We cannot become that which we hate in order to build what we love. 

We have to love. And that includes loving one another even when we sharply disagree. Yes, there are vitally important things worth fighting for today – and sincere followers of Jesus may find themselves championing opposing solutions as they walk out the words of Micah 6:8. “What does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” But as one speaker put it, doing Micah 6:8 in a way that honors God requires placing those three things in the reverse order: To be humble, first. To recognize that we will not be 100% right, 100% of the time. To be willing to listen to our opponents. And then to be firmly committed, always and only, to methods of kindness and love as we pursue justice – those things that matter to us.

As Bob Goff once put it on social media, that space where we are most tempted to be snarky or angry instead of loving, “Love does not dishonor others. The way we treat the people we disagree with the most, is a report card on our faith.”

The gathering of hundreds of Christians at Harvard last weekend is only part of what God is doing in our world – just one visible and amazing example of His hand at work. Over and over again, unplanned, Isaiah 43:19 was referenced: “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

I wrote about this conference this week to encourage you with this one thought: In all the challenges you see in front of you, and in this culture: You can trust our God. He is working. As The Chronicles of Narnia put it, “Aslan is on the move.” So let us all work with His ways, as loving, vibrant examples of Jesus, and be a part of what He is doing in the world.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

God is on the Move at Harvard – and in our World 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 3 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 2 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 1 How Kind Are You?  Should Men Hold the Door? (Or Lift the Suitcase?)

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8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 3

This is the final piece in a three-part series for young twenty-something couples pondering marriage – and those who love them. Please pass this article – and Part 1 and Part 2 – along to someone who needs it. If the twenty-something you know wants more practical help and encouragement for relationships, encourage them to sign up for our blog .

Let’s jump in to our final four roadblocks and action steps. As a reminder, if you are a young couple pondering whether you should move toward marriage – but dealing with a bit of fear – consider whether these assumptions have been swirling in your mind. Are you able to make the shift toward the healthier action? Or, if necessary, to realize that certain assumptions might be raising an important red flag? If so, you are well on your way to laying the groundwork for a great marriage, now or in the future.

Roadblock #5: “Is this person going to make me happy?”Action: Ask yourself, “Am I willing to serve them?”

Many couples focus on concepts like “compatibility” when considering whether to tie the knot with their significant other. Are we compatible in temperament? In conflict management styles? In sexual interest? There’s nothing wrong with digging into all of that – as noted in Part 2, we should dig into all those questions and many others! But we also have to realize that “Are we compatible?” is often just another way of saying, “Is this person going to make me happy?”

By contrast, marriage is so often about serving our spouse. Being willing to:

love and be kind to this person even when they are tired and grouchyserve them when they aren’t feeling well and we have a million things to dobelieve the best of their intentions toward us when they agreed to do the dishes in the morning and then ran out the door for work without doing them

As we discovered in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages research, it makes a huge difference to the eventual happiness of the marriage when we are prepared to do all of that and so much more. For example, to think, I guess they’ll do the dishes tonight instead of automatically believing: They expect me to do all the dishes, and don’t care about how much I have to do!

So ask yourself: are you willing to shift your focus from your needs and desires, to theirs? Both are important, of course. But “in sickness and in health” requires a willingness to be other-focused more than self-focused.

(One caveat: A small percentage of people will go into marriage with that sort of goodwill … and discover that they are facing intense challenges such as addiction or abuse. What is required then is a shift to boundaries, caution, and counseling rather than blindly continuing to “try harder to serve them.” In such cases, establishing boundaries often is the best way of serving their spouse, the marriage, and themselves.)

Roadblock #6: “Half of all marriages end in divorce.”Action: Don’t let fear (or mythology!) guide your decisions.

Many people cite a commonly circulated myth that 50% of all marriages end in divorce – an untrue statistic that is guaranteed to strike hopelessness into our hearts. This isn’t the place for a full discussion, but the research for my book The Good News About Marriage found that the actual divorce rate for society as a whole is not close to 50%.

It is impossible to pin down one “real” divorce rate, since that depends on all sorts of complex factors, but the overall divorce rate is probably closer to 25% than 50%. And newer data further confirms that the news is better than we think. (I’ll be doing a data update this year, so if you are not currently a subscriber to this blog please sign up to see that update when it comes out.)

As mentioned in Part 1, it is true that getting married very young does increase overall divorce risk, while marrying later improves it. Researchers theorize this statistical concern comes because young couples don’t yet know themselves or each other well and aren’t as prepared for the lifetime “for better or for worse-ness” of the commitment – which is one reason this series is focusing on exactly those questions.

It is easy to let fear guide decisions. But remember this important truth from scripture: Perfect love drives out fear. Over and over, the pages of scripture remind us not to let fear take over our thinking. It is right to take the marriage covenant very, very seriously. But if each of us succumbed to all of our possible fears about marriage, none of us would ever get married!

Roadblock #7: “It doesn’t matter if they don’t share my faith.” Action: Be willing to put God first.

Confronting this particular assumption is crucial, because it points to an actual roadblock, not an overblown fear. The reality is: it does matter if your potential spouse doesn’t share your faith. This topic is so foundational, it requires more than just a few words in a blog. You can find many books, articles, and sermons on it. But there’s only one thing that needs to be emphasized here: Marriage was invented by God and it requires us to put God in the center of that relationship. That is impossible to do if one party in the relationship also does not put God in the center.

Much research has found that marriages in which one person is a churchgoing Christian and the other just isn’t interested, endure many unique heartaches. Many believers in those marriages have described feeling pulled away from God, or feeling anguished over the fact that their spouse won’t join them and the kids at church (or don’t want the kids to go to church at all).

So ask yourself whether you are blowing through an obvious red flashing light if you’re continuing to pursue an “unequally yoked” relationship toward marriage. If we are followers of Jesus, our first love must be Him rather than our significant other. After all, He is the one who knows what will allow us to thrive.

Roadblock #8: “Marriage is such a big commitment.”Action: Yes it is. Be sure you can make it.

In our research for our book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, one factor jumped out as an essential pivot point for creating a happy, lifelong marriage. It wasn’t whether the couple “knew everything about one another before they got married.” It wasn’t whether the couple was financially stable. It wasn’t the couple’s age.

It was whether the couple went into marriage thinking there was no eject button.

In the end, every question we’ve been exploring comes down to this: If you and your significant other are indeed equally yoked, other-focused, and all the rest, are you ready and willing to make a lifelong commitment? It has been so clear in our research that when someone goes into marriage to “give it a try” without a rock-solid commitment there is nothing to hold them when times get tough. But when both partners say “this is for life, no matter what,” it is amazing how much that ensures they have to work things through.

As one long-married couple put it in our interviews. “What changes everything is going into the marriage knowing, first, that it is under God. That you’re equally yoked. But second, that it is forever. Knowing there’s no way and no reason for divorce and ensuring that that topic never even comes up in arguments. Sometimes the good feelings aren’t there. But with that ‘until death do us part’ commitment then it doesn’t matter. You stick with it. And what usually happens is that the good feelings follow. It’s the way God works.”

So, to wrap things up, the question we’ve tackled in this series is: Should we get married young? The answer to that question ultimately lies in the answer to a different question: Are you ready to make that big lifetime commitment? 

There will be challenges no matter who you marry. So don’t cue off of rom-coms or let fear tell you that you’ll end up as a (false) divorce statistic. Marriage is a step of faith, no matter when you take the plunge. Make sure that you are being wise about the person, about the factors that matter, whether you share the same faith, and whether you’ve had enough time to talk things through. But then, be bold. Be willing to take that step of faith with full commitment. And enjoy the lifetime of companionship and delight that comes with it.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 3 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 2 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 1 How Kind Are You?  Should Men Hold the Door? (Or Lift the Suitcase?) More Money Won’t Help Your Marriage – But These Habits Will

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8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 2

This is Part 2 of a three-part series for young twenty-something couples pondering marriage – and those who love them. Please pass Part 1 and this Part 2 along to someone who needs it and encourage them to sign up for this blog to see Part 3 as well.

I want to tell you about two young couples.

Couple A: One of my team members can’t stop talking about the wedding she attended recently in Texas. Her 24-year-old niece tied the knot – cheered on by dozens of other twentysomethings who raved about the couple’s example of devotion to God and each other. To use her words: “You might question whether they ‘should’ get married young … but every person in their inner circle – parents, pastors, siblings, and friends – said this couple was ready to step forward with faith and confidence to the altar.”

Couple B: I know a thirtysomething couple who have been dating since they were in their mid-twenties. They have a child together, are living together, and thus have more reason than most to consider marriage. But they are hesitating. “I’m not sure we’re ready for something that big” she explained to me. “How can we know this will last a lifetime? Better to wait.”

“Should we get married young – or wait until we are older?” As I shared in the previous blog, there’s probably no “right” or “wrong” answer to that specific question. Both marrying young or marrying later can be right and good, and both come with challenges. God has to lead each of us in the unique calling he has for us.

One of the ways young couples can sense His leading is to consider hidden relationship roadblocks – sneaky assumptions that can get in the way – and think, pray about, and talk through them through in advance. Based on our research over the years, here are eight that are very common. Can you make the shift from the “roadblock” assumption to the healthier action? If so, you’re well on your way to the mature outlook that makes a lifelong, happy marriage possible.

Roadblock #1: “Romance has to look like a rom-com”Action: Check your expectations

Every one of us has seen (and probably enjoyed!) those romantic comedy tropes. You know what I mean, right? A couple’s obvious attraction unfolds, and the comic-relief bestie sidekick brings the humor while madcap misadventures, the jealous ex, or concerned parent threatens to get in the way of their “true love.” Finally (right about the 100-minute mark) plot tension resolves with “the kiss,” which, of course, leads to a happily-ever-after ending.

Many of us love those cotton-candy romcoms, yet we don’t realize they are subconsciously skewing our ideas of what relationships really looks like. By rom-com rules, “true love” hurtles toward the perfect person and perfect moment – all set, of course, in a perfect Tuscan vineyard.

We have to check our expectations – including our checklists. Is he tall and handsome? Godly and a great dancer? An animal lover and a witty intellectual? A great listener and a fitness buff? Subconsciously seeking perfection in your significant other (or your actual spouse) is setting yourself up for failure!

Married couples have many opportunities to decide to love their imperfect partner (just as their partner will get to decide to love them in their imperfections, too). You don’t see that in the movies, but it is a huge part of marriage. No one is perfect, no matter what age or stage of life they are in. Financial stresses, insensitive comments, hurt feelings, and mood swings may not make the highlight reel – but these are things that help couples understand how to rely on God, trust one another’s intentions, build their character, and grow stronger together.

For example, I think about “Couple B” I mentioned earlier. I’ve watched them learn to fight well, parent together well, and grow their patience and kindness with each other. They are far more “ready” for marriage than many others, and yet I think something in them holds back from the great and the good out of a concern that they don’t see the perfect.

Roadblock #2: “We’re not ready for the challenges of marriage” Action: Don’t make marriage harder than it is

Some couples are indeed not ready for the challenges of marriage. If that’s true, please know it’s a good thing to wait. Give yourself that space.

But if the special person you’re dating might be the one, remember that marriage can be challenging no matter who and when we marry. Instead of using this roadblock as an excuse not to marry, young couples can and should plan for the challenges they’ll face.

One of the most vital tools is purposeful pre-marital counseling. Working through your church’s pre-marital program can help identify what you care about, and how you’ll handle crucial factors like conflict, in-laws, finances, and parenting. It can help you talk through how each of you think and feel in all sorts of ways, so you know each other better. (That’s why some counselors recommend my books For Women Only and For Men Only as roadmaps for helping couples understand each other.)

A young couple may have a few more challenges because they’re marrying young – but challenges can be worked through! We never want challenges, of course, but that is something else romantic comedies miss: There is something beautiful about a marriage that has gone through the fire and come out strong on the other side.

Roadblock #3: “We haven’t been dating long enough” Action: Realize that a few months probably is not long enough to make a decision – but a few years probably is

Being “ready” is actually more about readiness for a decision about marriage than a magic feeling of being 100% ready for marriage itself. It turns out that how long you date before marrying may be just as important for marital stability as whether you get married old or young. An Emory University study of 3,000 people examined all sorts of wedding and marriage-related issues. But one crucial finding is essential for young couples to know. As a Business Insider article summarized it:

“When compared against couples who’d dated for one year, couples who dated one to two years had about a 20% lower chance of divorcing. When those couples were compared to those who dated for three or more years, the likelihood of divorce decreased by about 50%.”

So: have you been dating two or three years? Long enough to get to know one another and discuss all those “issues?” If so, don’t be afraid of the “age” number. The “years of dating” number may be just as important – or more.

Roadblock #4: “We’re not financially stable” Action: Make a plan – but don’t let finances stop you

As mentioned in last week’s Part 1 on the big-picture truths about getting married young, this is one roadblock I hear constantly from young unmarried couples – and even older ones. I tend to do lots of random interviews with people, and a 26-year-old man next to me in the long airport security line mentioned that he’d been with his girlfriend for about five years. Curious, I asked if they were headed toward marriage. He said, “I’d like to be, but there’s no way I can propose yet. We have too much student debt.” He said his girlfriend hinted toward marriage, but he felt there was no way he could legitimately ask her when “I’m still in my first job and I can’t provide enough finances for her. We’d barely be able to afford a wedding.”

Being aware of finances and having a good plan is obviously important. But for thousands of years, young couples have stepped into great marriages with only the barest of financials. If this truly is the person you feel God has for you, consider whether you should be waiting on what is most important (beginning your marriage together) simply because of something less important (your finances) that the two of you will be figuring out together as you go anyway.

So. Take a look at these first four roadblock assumptions, and the actions. Talk about them. And then come back next week for the final four roadblocks in this series in Part 3.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 2 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 1 How Kind Are You?  Should Men Hold the Door? (Or Lift the Suitcase?) More Money Won’t Help Your Marriage – But These Habits Will Turn up the Heat this Valentine’s Day (and Every Day) with Better…Conversation?

The post 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 2 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 1

This will be a three-part series for young twenty-something couples pondering marriage – and those who love them. Please pass this Part 1 along to someone who needs it and encourage them to sign up for this blog so they see the very practical elements of Part 2 and Part 3.

Speaking at a women’s event recently, I talked with a young woman who married at age 20, in part because her husband was joining the military. They walked through a difficult first five years, and while she was thankful they were finally doing better, she wondered aloud, “Should we have gotten married so young?” She said, “All my friends are afraid to get married, and they are waiting so long. But maybe we did it wrong?”

“Should we get married young? Or should we wait?

Maybe you’ve wondered the same things. As I told this young wife, I’m not sure there’s a “right” or a “wrong” here. But there is a need for any couple, especially those who are less experienced, to make decisions about their relationships based on good information, wisdom, and prayer – and never based on fear.

If you are a twenty-something couple who might be a bit fearful about marriage (or if you love someone who is) you need to know: Being young doesn’t mean that “to have and to hold” has to remain on hold. If you’re stepping into God’s best for you, and you know that means marriage, then everything else – including age – becomes secondary. Millions of “young” marriages are wonderful and last a lifetime.

At the same time, it is crucial to confront some common roadblocks and ideas about marriage that can cause problems for the marriage or unnecessarily prevent you from taking that step.

Based on our research and other research done over the years, Part 1 of this series will share some bigger picture truths, while Parts 2 and 3 will dive into the actual roadblocks and the practical solutions. (As noted above, if you are not already a subscriber to this blog, please sign up in order to automatically receive Parts 2 and 3.)

Truth #1: People are indeed waiting longer to get married.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 1947 the estimated median age to get married for the first time was 23.7 for men and 20.5 for women. Seventy-five years later, the picture is radically different. In 2022 the median age of marriage was 30.1 for men and 28.2 for women.

Why are people waiting longer? Are young adults maturing more slowly? Seeking adventure and independence before committing to marriage? Skeptical about marriage as in institution? Making a choice to cohabit before (and perhaps instead of) getting married?

According to various studies, the reason likely includes all of the above factors (and others) to varying degrees. And certain reasons for waiting are not all bad.

Truth #2: Waiting can provide some benefits.

I unpacked this in an earlier blog, but briefly: the trend of “adulting” and maturing for a few more years before marriage provides some benefits. There is something protective about having enough experience to see the pitfalls ahead with clear eyes. Some younger couples face intense challenges simply because they went into marriage expecting everything to be puppies and rose petals, and hadn’t thought through how to handle challenges.

The young woman I met at that event, and her husband, fell into that category. After the wedding they realized they had drastically different expectations for big issues like the frequency of sex, how to handle money, and how to handle communication while he was deployed. And at age 20 and 22, they simply weren’t sure how to handle the disconnects. There were lots of fights while they figured it out. She realized they could have prevented much of that hardship if they had purposefully talked through certain things in advance.

Because of that dynamic, it is sobering but important to know that getting married at younger ages is associated with higher divorce rates. This doesn’t mean your marriage has a higher risk of divorce – especially if you think through some of the roadblocks and key factors ahead of time! But overall divorce rates rise for people who marry early, and fall for those who marry a bit later. In fact, according to one landmark study, at least 60% of the ongoing decline in the U.S. divorce rate is due to the fact that people are, on average, getting married at older ages.

So yes, there are some benefits to waiting. But that’s not the end of the story.

Truth #3: Some aspects of waiting can cause problems, too.

In some cases, waiting can actually introduce issues that didn’t need to be there. 

For instance, many couples describe a spiral of doubt that creeps in when they have been dating for years and are still saying things like, “We should wait until we’re ready” or “until we’re financially stable” or “until we’re sure.” While it is indeed vital to be sure you’re “ready” to make a lifelong commitment (more on that in Parts 2 and 3), young couples need to know: There is no one magic “readiness for marriage” line that you cross simply because you have a certain bank balance or have reached a certain threshold of “closeness.” Many people wait and wait for that magic, sparkling feeling … rather than recognizing that at some point many of us just have to make a wise decision.

For all couples (not just young ones), the key is more about being ready to make that decision – even if you end up continuing to wait on the actual engagement for logistical reasons (e.g. because one of you is working on a degree or has a year on a job contract in a different state). If you feel unable to make a decision after a number of years of purposeful dating, don’t see clear signs that you’ll ever feel comfortable doing so, and/or perhaps see certain red flags that are causing you to hesitate, that should be a signal to look closer at the relationship and seek wise counsel about whether to move forward or step away.

Another issue that can arise during a long period of waiting is the temptation to just move in together. Cohabiting may seem on the surface to be a reasonable way to determine if this could indeed be a lifetime relationship. Yet it’s not just the Bible that cautions against that temptation.  Studies find that couples who cohabit first are more likely, not less, to get divorced later. Last year I wrote about study demonstrating that you will likely have a much better and happier relationship if you get married than if you cohabit. (I’ll be sharing an updated blog on this topic at some point.)

Here’s the bottom line: A young couple should never marry simply for the sake of getting married. But if a young couple is moving toward a lifetime commitment with maturity and wisdom, they should not necessarily hold themselves back either. Rather, what they should do – I would argue, must do – is consider the roadblocks that might be getting in their way, the issues that might lie ahead, and address them one by one. That is what we will cover in Part 2 and 3.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 1 How Kind Are You?  Should Men Hold the Door? (Or Lift the Suitcase?) More Money Won’t Help Your Marriage – But These Habits Will Turn up the Heat this Valentine’s Day (and Every Day) with Better…Conversation? What Hollywood Gets Wrong about Sex– and What Couples Can Do Right

The post 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 1 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How Kind Are You?

We teach our children to be kind to others. We remind a struggling friend to “be kind to yourself.” Kindness is a trait we hold to, and appreciate in others. If you pause right now, you can likely think of the kindest people you know without too much difficulty. We value kindness as a fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23).

As a result, we think of ourselves as being relatively kind people – and we get slightly indignant at the grouchy co-worker who is always critical, or the in-law with the cutting sense of humor.

But what if I told you there are probably others looking at you and thinking the same exact thing? Oh, not necessarily that you are grouchy or cutting. But perhaps that you are … exasperated a lot? Very familiar with sarcasm? Attuned to the ways your kids (or spouse or colleagues) are not quite meeting your expectations?  

Whether or not we have previously seen it that way, those are all examples of unkindness or negativity that run contrary to what we value. And there are many, many more examples.

We all need to ask ourselves: When it comes down to it, how kind am I, really? 

There are two things you can do to shed light on that question.

First, and simplest, take our “Kindness Quotient” assessment. It can be quite enlightening to see the ways we weren’t as kind as we thought we were.

And second, if you suspect that maybe you might have some unseen “stuff” to work through, we suggest a sort of kindness bootcamp. Pick one person with whom you’d like an improved relationship and follow three simple steps for thirty days. We call it The 30-Day Kindness Challenge. 

Regular readers of the blog will have heard about the Challenge before, and many of you will have already done it. But if you are a new reader – jump in! Or if you have heard about it but have never actually done it, don’t put it off any longer! Here’s what is involved.

Step #1: Say nothing negative about your person

The first step in the Challenge is to say nothing negative to or about your person. Sounds simple, right? Um… not really.

It is so easy to say negative things without ever realizing it, because frankly, people are often our biggest source of irritation! Whether it is your husband forgetting to put his laundry in the basket – again! – your child leaving their bike out, or your girlfriend taking your text totally out of context and ghosting you, people frustrate us. The downside is that we can develop a sneaky focus on the negatives, where our mind becomes more attuned to those things than we realize.

So whether you complain to your husband directly about the aforementioned laundry, or say nothing at the time but instead run him through the wringer to your co-workers the next day, the effect is the same. We have bought into the myth that venting or letting off a little steam is a good thing. However, neurologically, the truth is exactly the opposite! (Read more about that in this blog.) As we share our frustration, we actually sabotage how we feel about that person. 

We identified seven distinct patterns of negativity and unkindness that we unpack in the book, The Kindness Challenge. Which one applies to you?

Step #2: Give authentic praise

The next step of the Challenge is to find one thing to authentically praise each day – and tell your person and someone else. The beauty of this step is that rather than seeing the negatives and rehearsing them, you’re actually training your mind to look for the positive attributes of your spouse, child, or whomever, and then dwelling on those instead.

In other words, instead of letting off steam about how your colleague left early so you had to cover the full shift until closing, you are looking for things to praise … and you notice just how caring and attentive your colleague was with a difficult customer. You tell them how much you appreciate how they handled it – and you tell the boss that, too. 

Step #3: Act out kindness

The final step is to find one way to actively show kindness or generosity to your person every day. Now, this could be similar to random acts of kindness, such as making a cup of coffee for your spouse or some other act that they would appreciate. However, it can also look quite different. For example, I did this Challenge for my teenage daughter. She would often run into my home office, while I was furiously writing for a deadline and be like “Mom, look at this Tik Tok with me!” And I’d be like, “come back in an hour!”

What I discovered was that taking that moment while she was excited about whatever it was, not an hour later, was an act of kindness to her. These little actions signal to both you and your person that they are valuable. 

What can you expect after thirty days of the Kindness Challenge? Well, one thing we know for certain is that how much you thrive is directly related to how you treat others. We found that among those who did the Challenge, 89% of those target relationships had improved! Another 66% said that they themselves felt more loved, even though they were the one putting in the effort to be kind! Those are pretty amazing numbers.

So is there a relationship you’d like to see improve? Do you want to improve yourself? Why not try kindness? Sign up for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge – including 30 days of little reminder/coaching emails. I think you’ll be surprised – and very pleased – with the results.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

How Kind Are You?  Should Men Hold the Door? (Or Lift the Suitcase?) More Money Won’t Help Your Marriage – But These Habits Will Turn up the Heat this Valentine’s Day (and Every Day) with Better…Conversation? What Hollywood Gets Wrong about Sex– and What Couples Can Do Right This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 2)

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Should Men Hold the Door? (Or Lift the Suitcase?)

Remember my suitcase saga from last year? This is the promised follow-up, based on your many responses to my request for input.

Last year I was on an airplane, struggling to lift my heavy suitcase into the overhead bin – and noticed some deep conflict in a few men near me. They seemed torn between wanting to help but feeling like they “should” hold themselves back. One man was actually gripping the armrests of his seat, as if to keep himself from jumping up to offer help. (You can read the full tale here.)

As a mom who is trying to raise a son to be polite and helpful, I was sad that men today may feel like they have to stop a natural instinct to help (or hold the door, or…), out of concern that they might offend. Yet, as I noted, I also totally understand the caution – especially in the post-#MeToo era. After all, I consider myself a pretty strong, capable person, and would never want someone to make me feel otherwise.

So what’s a man to do? I asked blog readers that question and was flooded with thoughtful responses – from both men and women – that provide encouragement and a practical road map for navigating this era.

Men: Realize that you’re not alone

If you have ever wondered whether you should offer to physically defer to or help a woman in some way, you’re not alone. One guy captured the angst well when he said, “Men no longer know what is expected of them most of the time.”

This particular blog resonated deeply with men. Instead of most comments being from women (which is more usual), 80% of the responses this time were from men. Their relief was palpable as they shared how much they want to help – and many do help – but also feel the internal struggle about unintentionally giving offense.

In fact, some men shared that in the face of negative reactions, they have actually given up. One explained that he has been snubbed so many times, he no longer offers help. Feeling defeat, he commented, “I don’t want to offend anyone, but also don’t want to be insulted for trying. Danged if you do, danged if you don’t.”

Others have decided on a different approach: they don’t assist unless a woman proactively asks for help. A tormented thirty-ish-year-old man described noticing a young woman at church struggling to fold her electric bike. He wanted to go help but talked himself out of it so he wouldn’t offend her. He was relieved when she eventually asked for assistance.

The majority of men, however, had landed on a better compromise – one that ranked well with both men and women. More on that in a moment. First, let’s examine a parallel truth for women.

Women: Realize that the offer of help does not imply weakness

Many women don’t mind an offer of help. But those who wrestle with it do so out of concern that the guy thinks we are the little woman who needs his help and can’t do it on our own.

We need to get over it.

Perhaps 100 years ago, that negative assumption may have been there among some men; I don’t know. But today, both in the response to this blog and in many of our research interviews over the years, a man’s offer means something very different.

As one very representative man explained: “If I offer to help someone with their luggage, it is because I am helpful, not because I think they aren’t capable.”

Another man in his 40s said, “It is a matter of general respect. I extend help not because a woman is ‘less than,’ but because it is common courtesy and respect for another person. It is how I was raised. I am certainly never thinking, ‘Hey, this 28-year-old woman is so weak I need to get the door for her.’ I think most of us guys just want to help.”

Women: Also realize that men are angered by inappropriate behavior, too.

We also need to realize that most men are our allies. They are angered by the misogynistic or inappropriate behavior that has made so many women cautious in the first place. Indeed, one of the crucial impacts of the #MeToo movement was opening the eyes of well-intentioned men to just how much that behavior still happened today. (You can read one of my posts about that here.)

Yet many men have always been sensitive to that behavior – and angered and saddened by it. One older man replied to the “suitcase blog” this way:

Possibly because of my age (I’m 68), I believe most women would not be offended by a gesture to help. (I seem harmless in terms of “MeToo.”) When I was younger, I was more cautious, especially with women at work because, being in C-suite roles, I was almost always their superior. I am saddened that some bad men caused that change.

So, all this said… what should men do? What is the path forward?

Men: Offer, don’t assume

There was a broad consensus from both men and women: When seeing something that might be a need – your colleague is carrying one too many boxes, that woman in the grocery store is trying to reach a tall shelf, your fellow airplane passenger is trying to lift a heavy suitcase – simply offer your help, rather than assuming it is needed and stepping in.

“I’d be glad to help, if you’d like,” will usually be received with gratitude.

But what if the help isn’t needed – or wanted? If so, the men told one another, go about your day without taking it personally! As one man said, “I don’t feel pressure to hold back from helping. Or rather, for ASKING if someone would like help. I have also learned to be okay, and not have my feelings or pride hurt, if my request to help is denied.”

Women: If we turn down a polite offer of help, we should do so politely.

This was the second broad consensus. As noted in the original blog, we don’t have to accept an offer of aid. But since these offers are almost always well-intentioned, we should see his offer as the courtesy it is and decline in a way that returns that courtesy. As one man said, “If you really don’t want help, just say, ‘No, thank you.’ Any guy I know would respect that.”

By contrast, terse or prickly rebuffs nearly always give the impression of incriminating a well-intentioned man who doesn’t deserve it. And they introduce the perverse incentives that make that man less likely to offer his help next time.

Now, I’m going to raise another point here for us independent-minded women to consider. Candidly, we should also think carefully about whether we are letting pride get in the way of wisdom. Last weekend, Jeff and I were boarding a flight after speaking at a Midwest church, and Jeff offered to help a woman – probably 60 years old – who was struggling to lift her clearly heavy, hard-shell suitcase. She said, “No!” very sharply, and Jeff nodded and sat down. A moment later, when he was too far away to do anything about it, he watched in horror as this woman tried to heft the suitcase high, lost her grip, and nearly dropped it on the skull of the passenger directly below her. Every human on the planet needs help at times. We shouldn’t be unwilling to accept it if it is truly needed.

Men: Bottom line … don’t stop offering; most people will take you up on it

This was by far the most prevalent response, from both men and women: Being helpful and caring about others is the right way to be, so don’t let fear hold you hostage. As Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart.” The vast majority of those you reach out to (or hold the door for), will be grateful for it.

I’ll end with a small sampling of some verbatim responses from several men – men who are choosing to continue a lifestyle of steadfast servanthood. Men for whom most of us are very grateful:

“If you see someone nearby you who needs help, and you have the ability to help … well, stand up and help them! I never feel any pressure to sit back and not help. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. If another guy is quicker than I am, I think ‘I should have moved faster!’”“I do not feel the pressure. And I will not stop helping. If a woman takes offense, I know I only had good intentions, and it won’t stop me from helping at the next opportunity. Very few take offense to this gesture of aid, and I feel those that do are the ones missing out.”“I watched my dad open car doors for my mom, every time they went out. Clearly, she can open her own door! (It’s a gesture of kindness and respect.) I do the same thing today. If I were to ever offer help and be shot down, I wouldn’t be offended. I’ve taught my boys to hold doors, offer to lift heavy objects, and so on. I believe God put this in our hearts.”“In my early 20s, soon after accepting Christ, I started offering to help with things like changing tires, holding doors, and all kinds of stuff – including one time intervening in a violent domestic dispute. I’ve been told off and sometimes just given the evil stare but most of the time the feedback is positive – at least 80% positive. So it doesn’t bother me if someone wants to do it themselves. My mother taught me that a real man offers to help – and actually does help – when help is needed.”“Your article is spot on, and yes I do hesitate – especially if the women is younger than I am. The dynamic in our culture can be intimidating. But I fight the hesitation and always ask if I can help or hold the door anyway. The reality is that a heavy suitcase is hard to put in the overhead bins, regardless of gender. I raised two sons to hold doors, help people, and to stand up for others who may not fight for themselves. We will not back down from those biblical principles that empower men to be strong, kind, and step up.”

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Should Men Hold the Door? (Or Lift the Suitcase?) More Money Won’t Help Your Marriage – But These Habits Will Turn up the Heat this Valentine’s Day (and Every Day) with Better…Conversation? What Hollywood Gets Wrong about Sex– and What Couples Can Do Right This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 2) This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 1) 

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More Money Won’t Help Your Marriage – But These Habits Will

“If we just had more money it would change everything . . .”  

That thought comes so easily when there are financial tensions in marriage. “If we just had an extra $200 per month, we wouldn’t argue about keeping the A/C turned down so low.” Or, “If my salary were higher, her weekly trips to Costco wouldn’t stress me out.”  

Those “if . . . then” thoughts are so tempting. After all, they allow us to blame the lack of money (or one another) rather than looking too closely at ourselves. They also suggest such an easy solution: just a few more dollars, and poof! Our marital problems are solved!  

But the hard truth is: those tempting beliefs are also wrong. As we interviewed and surveyed thousands of people for our book, Thriving in Love and Money, we found that the amount of money in our bank account is not usually related to the amount of happiness in our marriage. In fact, high-net-worth couples usually just laughed sardonically when we asked if their wealth relieved tension around money. (“Are you kidding?” One wife exclaimed. “It just gives you more to have tension about!”)  

What we did find in our study, however, was many couples with a trend worth investigating: couples who had limited funds but were thriving in their relationship and (mostly) not allowing their challenging finances to depress their marriage.  

So what is the secret of having a great relationship with your spouse, and managing money well together, even without that extra boost to the bank account? Here are three research-based habits that will point you in the right direction, no matter where you are financially. 

Habit #1: Believe the best of your spouse’s intentions toward you 

Whenever you’re frustrated or hurt, get in the habit of telling yourself that your spouse does care (since that is almost certainly the truth), and look for a more generous explanation of their behavior. This is important for everything in marriage, but is particularly crucial around money. 

For example, suppose your spouse notices you come in the door with some extra purchases. Your spouse seems tense, and that night asks if you two can review the spending budget. It is tempting to get defensive and think, “My spouse is shaming me” or “My spouse is trying to control me.” Instead, believe the best: “I’ll bet my spouse is worried because we had to dip into our emergency savings to fix the car, and he/she knows I’ll need a new car soon.”  

Look for evidence that your spouse cares about you. You’ll see it everywhere. And it will turn what could have been an opportunity for tension and discord into an opportunity for understanding and connection. (And if you believe you are in the small percent of couples where your spouse is purely selfish and doesn’t care … that is rare, but it does happen. If so, please reach out for professional help and counsel.) 

Habit #2: Cultivate contentment and gratitude 

Expecting marriage or money to make us happy will always lead to disappointment. But there is something that will lead to joy in those areas: cultivating the habit of contentment and gratitude.  

How? Shortly after commanding the persecuted church members in Ephesus to “Rejoice!” the Apostle Paul gives the prescription for how to do exactly that, even in a time of trial: “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” 

There will always be worries… and there will always be things that are worthy of praise. Focusing on the latter changes everything. 

One couple we interviewed, Fernando and Olivia, had a deep contentment despite their constrained financial situation – and one of the main factors was their genuine gratitude. As he described, “I make $18 an hour and we have a family of five in one of the most expensive cities in the country. Our rent alone is $1,900 a month. But we have two working vehicles and our kids aren’t deprived. Somehow, we make it happen. I work two jobs. And even with all of that, I know we’re kind of broke.”  

Olivia added, “But we love our lives. Our three girls share one room, and they don’t complain. We have three twin beds in one bedroom. And two dogs and seven fish.” 

“And a turtle,” Fernando added. 

Habit #3: Trust God cares 

This couple emphasized the much deeper factor that allowed them to have this grateful outlook: A very, very practical trust in God’s provision and care. This is the final and most essential step for thriving in money and marriage.  

Fernando and Olivia had not always been content. Fernando described that for most of his life he was “the person who worried about money,” to the point of panic attacks and depression. Then came the day the power to their family’s small apartment was about to be turned off. Fernando finally confessed to his wife that he was at a breaking point. This drove them from being disconnected church attenders to being on their knees. As Fernando explained, they “finally put it in God’s hands.” In this crisis, they chose to trust their heavenly Father, and believe that God would take care of them.  

“The next day, we got a check in the mail for almost the exact amount of the overdue bill,” he said.  

They decided to embark on a life of faith with their tight finances, handling money as well as they could and trusting God with the rest. And since then, Olivia notes, “Somehow, God always provides.”  

We have heard that from many people in our research and seen it many times in our own life: Doing the work to come together in marriage and money and then trusting God with the outcome will yield far more for your life than a technically-perfect financial plan. That sort of faith, unity, and intimacy is worth more than anything money can buy. 

If you enjoyed this article, learn what’s underneath the common knee-jerk reactions couples have around money – and what you can do about them to alleviate tension in your marriage.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

More Money Won’t Help Your Marriage – But These Habits Will Turn up the Heat this Valentine’s Day (and Every Day) with Better…Conversation? What Hollywood Gets Wrong about Sex– and What Couples Can Do Right This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 2) This One Action Can Create a Competent and Confident Dad (Part 1)  Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Conflict – Part 2

The post More Money Won’t Help Your Marriage – But These Habits Will appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Turn up the Heat this Valentine’s Day (and Every Day) with Better…Conversation?

Let’s talk about sex. No, really, let’s talk about it – because what better day is there than Valentine’s Day to enliven the sexual intimacy in our marriages? And it turns out: if we can just press through a little awkwardness, research published in my new book Secrets of Sex & Marriage shows that couples who can talk about sex are likely to have more sex and better marriages. Yes, you read that right!

Now, I know what many of you are thinking, because it was what I was thinking when I first started researching this topic: It’s pretty uncomfortable to talk about this stuff. Among those we surveyed for our Marriage Intimacy Project , 73% of couples simply weren’t comfortable talking together about the most intimate part of their relationship. Just 27% of couples reported that they could talk about sex without awkwardness or difficulty.

You may also be thinking, Does it really matter that much? After all, actions speak louder than words. And our research showed yes, it really does matter that much – because without the words, you may not be getting much action!

Thankfully, there is good news for everyone here…and three ways to get to talking with your spouse in a way that is authentic and comfortable for both of you.

The good news: if you can talk about sex, you’re more likely to be happy in your marriage… and have more sex.

In our surveys, those who comfortably talk about sex were far more likely to be on the highest rungs of marital happiness (89%) than those who avoided talking about sex altogether (62%). Even more fascinating, those who could talk about sex were actually having more sex. As just one example, 74% of those with great communication had sex once a week or more while only 22% of those with poor communication connected that often! (More research is needed to find out how much of this is causal rather than just correlated, but clinical experience confirms that talking really matters.)

Maybe you’d like to climb a few rungs on that happiness or frequency ladder, but deep down inside you’re also thinking: I’m too embarrassed to talk about frequency, or technicalities, or what I’m doing wrong, or really – any of it! Or maybe, you simply avoid talking because you’ve tried before and don’t think it will make any difference.

If more openness and understanding sounds good to you – if you could just figure out how – here are a few points that may help you get started.

When you have challenges in your intimate relationship, it’s not actually about sex but about other factors running under the surface.

Our issues around sex are rarely about the technicalities of sex. This is the same basic principle that we uncovered in researching and writing about the other big “issue” in marriage, for Thriving in Love & Money. As we have stated before, tension around money isn’t actually about the money – it is about what’s underneath the surface. It’s our feelings about money, our expectations, and so on. The same holds true with sexual intimacy.

What might this look like in practical terms? For the easiest example, think about a stereotypical couple, Billy and Brittany, who are in a strained season of marriage and aren’t intimately connecting very often. Maybe Billy privately believes something like She knows sex is important to me, so if she really cared about me she would want to have sex more. Maybe Brittany believes, He is traveling all the time, and doesn’t want to talk when he gets back, he just wants to jump into bed; he seems to care about sex more than me.

As you might imagine, what’s going on isn’t about the actual sex, right? It’s not about who wants more or how often it is happening. It may look like that on the surface because that is what they are arguing about. But as you can probably tell, it is actually about two people who both feel like their spouse doesn’t really care about them. And since our previous research revealed that even in struggling relationships, 97% of couples really do care about each other, that’s most likely not the actual explanation either. So what else might be going on?

Perhaps in this hypothetical case, the “under the surface” explanation is that Billy doesn’t know how to say that he feels lonely after being on the road for a week. But he instinctively feels that if he can sexually connect with Brittany, he will feel immediately closer to her – and that is what he is going for. (In other words, he wants to jump into bed because he cares about her and the relationship.) Or perhaps Brittany doesn’t know how to explain that she has a different type of desire than Billy does (see last week’s blog), and instinctively makes her decision on whether to connect in the bedroom by how she feels about the relationship outside the bedroom. (In other words, she wants to connect by talking first because she cares about him and wants to want intimate connection as well.)

See how what is going on isn’t really about the technicalities of sex, per se? It’s about a bunch of other factors.

Realize that what you’ll start talking about is the under-the-surface stuff – not the awkward technicalities.

So to get started in conversation with your spouse, focus on that under-the-surface stuff. Where talking about technique or fantasies may initially seem like a bridge too far, the under-the-surface factors are where real breakthrough begins anyway. Then, eventually, you will be comfortable enough to share other things with one another – things you’ve been wishing the other person knew – and build a joint vision for what you both want your intimate life to look like.

But at the outset, dig into the other stuff that could be playing a role in how you feel in this area of your marriage.

For example, maybe you didn’t have good guidance on sexuality when you were growing up and you feel hesitant. Or maybe you pull back because you want more sex but don’t want to pressure your spouse…and then feel undesirable because your spouse never seems to want to initiate (if that’s you, read about the two types of desire in last week’s blog). Perhaps, like Brittany and Billy, you need to talk about relationship issues, potentially guided by a counselor or mentor. Or maybe insecurities about body image are holding you back from fully expressing yourself sexually. (If so, you might be interested to know that nearly half of our survey respondents, mostly women, feel self-conscious about their spouse seeing them naked, and yet 73% of those surveyed – the same people! – do want to see their spouse naked even with their imperfections. Recognizing that your spouse enjoys you in that way can help you open up more, conversationally and sexually.)

There are many potential factors running under the surface. Every couple is different, and sharing what matters to each of you could help you untangle patterns that are hurting both of you. Patterns that are causing emotional, marital, and sexual intimacy to suffer.

As a start, read through Secrets of Sex & Marriage together and discuss what matters to each of you.

The research we present in Secrets of Sex & Marriage includes the largest nationally representative study ever conducted with married couples about sex. We’re really proud of the work we did over a three-year span to understand what’s happening (or not happening) with married couples in the bedroom. While our findings will not apply equally to all readers, the key findings are true and helpful to most couples in most situations. (And where they don’t apply, or where a relationship is particularly troubled, we urge you to seek additional help.)

We designed the book so you can read it together. So read a few paragraphs out loud, then stop and talk to one another about what applies to each of you. Do you have these particular insecurities? How would you answer this survey question? Does this particular point apply to you? It will help you articulate those things you’ve been wishing your spouse knew, but that you didn’t quite know how to say. It will also help you return to topics that you’ve tried to discuss before, by giving each of you validation and a voice.

“Who would not love to have a sexual superpower?”

Learning about each other’s tendencies, beliefs, and insecurities – and talking about them as you go – may be the best investment you’ve ever made in your marriage. As one review of the book put it: “One of my favorite quotes from the book says, ‘Once you cultivate the desire to learn the intimate things that make your spouse tick, you will see that curiosity truly is a sexual superpower.’ Who would not love to have a sexual superpower?”

Just think, if you try these conversation starters, you might make more than a Valentine’s Day for the books. You might just make a marriage for the books.

This article was also published at Patheos.

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