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10 Encouraging Facts About Marriage You Need to Hear and Share

How often do you hear someone toss out negative comments about the state of marriage today? For example: 

“Half of marriages end in divorce.” “The pandemic was brutal for marriages.” “Divorce has been rising for years.” “Churchgoers don’t do any better at marriage.” 

Most conventional wisdom about marriage today is depressing—and yet most of it is also not true! 

Unfortunately, there are damaging consequences to believing these urban legends. Young couples become more skeptical and more likely to avoid getting married. Struggling couples subconsciously think failure is inevitable eventually, so they lose motivation and stop trying.

Even your ordinary churchgoer is affected; they might wonder if doing what the Bible says about marriage doesn’t make a difference, what does that say about the Bible? 

Instead of believing and spreading the falsehoods, let’s be aware of and spread the truth: that there is far more good news about marriage than most people realize. Yes, there is also much to work on. But we can have hope for marriage! We need to share that truth and the following positive facts. 

And if you’ve been following my blog for a while and are already benefitting from knowing these truths about marriage, I encourage you to share this article with someone who needs to hear this encouraging news!

Some key good-news facts about marriage:

In an eight-year investigative study on marriage and divorce statistics, resulting in our book The Good News About Marriage, my senior researcher Tally Whitehead and I debunked common marriage myths with the following truths: 

1. The actual divorce rate for society as a whole has never been close to 50%. Some high-risk groups (for example, those who marry very young) have hit that rate, but not the population as a whole. And rather than “increasing” (as many people think), the divorce rate has been declining for decades. 

2. Most marriages aren’t just so-so. The vast majority are happy. 

3. The rate of divorce in the church is not the same as among the non-churchgoing population; it’s significantly lower. 

4. Remarriages aren’t doomed. A large majority survive and thrive. 

5. Most marriage problems aren’t caused by big-ticket issues. So being in a marriage, or fixing a troubled one, doesn’t have to be as complicated as people think. Little things often make a big difference. 

So those are the truths we covered a few years ago in The Good News About Marriage. What has happened since then?

The state of marriage keeps getting better! 

Since we published the book in 2014, the research shows that the state of marriage continues to improve. Yet because the average person doesn’t know these facts, skepticism about marriage continues. We can turn the tide by sharing the truth! Here are just a few updates that every couple and marriage champion needs to know: 

6. Divorce rates continue to fall

In 2019 (the most recent year for this statistic), the divorce rate declined to levels not seen in 50 years—with only about 15 marriages in every 1,000 resulting in divorce. This is a 34% fall from its peak in the 1980s. 

7. Most marriages continue to be happy

This was true even during the pandemic! A 2021 Monmouth Poll found that 92% of married couples were either extremely or very satisfied in their marriage. And the percent of those who were “extremely satisfied” rose 14% during the pandemic shutdowns in 2020! 

“Too often we’re quick to doubt relationships and see them as more fragile than they are,” said Dr. Gary Lewandowski, professor of psychology at Monmouth University. “In reality, our relationship is a tremendous source of strength and stability in uncertain times. Our poll [in 2020] found more than half thought the pandemic would strengthen their relationship. That seemed like wishful thinking, but these numbers show that optimism was warranted.” 

8. Divorce continues to be lower in the church 

As we detail in the book, the belief otherwise is based on a misunderstanding of an old George Barna study that was researching divorce rates by belief system (people who self-identified as Christian, Jewish, agnostic, and so on) but excluded church attendance from the analysis. 

Research continues to consistently show that divorce rates are significantly lower among those who actually attend church. A 2020 report from the Institute of Family Studies (IFS) found that the likelihood of divorce drops considerably for those who attend church two to three times a month or more compared to those who attend church once a month or less. (The former group also gets married at higher rates.) 

A December 2021 report published by IFS found that when controlling for various factors, simply being raised in a church-attending home drops our chances of divorce by 10% compared to those who don’t have that upbringing. (Which is also encouraging for everyone who is raising a child now!) 

And that’s not all…. 

9. “Grey divorce” is not a major risk

News stories about “grey divorce” for older couples make it seem like a much bigger risk than it is. If a marriage is going to fail, it’s far more likely to fail in the first four or five years. The longer people are married, the lower the risk of divorce. Research shows people might think about divorce from time to time, but most want to stay married and work problems out. 

10. Big life stressors can make marriages stronger 

Finally, it’s easy to think that stressors are only negative for a marriage. And yet the upheavals of the last few years have demonstrated that such times often bring couples closer. In an American Family Survey, 58% of respondents (married or cohabiting) said that they appreciated their partner more during onset of the pandemic period of 2020. Marriage researcher Dr. Scott Stanley told us, “Similarly, a study from 2011 examined married respondents’ experiences of the great recession. Among those who reported that their commitment levels were affected by the recession, twice as many reported that their commitment increased than reported that it decreased.”

Given the bad news that upheavals don’t seem to be going away, it’s great news that our marriages can be such a source of strength. In his report on marital improvements during the COVID-19 era, Stanley emphasized that times of stress and uncertainty might be the best opportunity for marriages to “reinforce the simple power of listening and paying attention to one’s partner—of being responsive and caring.” He also added, “Feeling heard and supported in the time of worry is a way to make intimacy.”

It’s good news that many marriages seem to be doing just that. So the next time you hear someone mention a depressing marriage myth, be sure to tell them the true facts. 

This article was originally published at Focus on the Family . Special thanks to my collaborator on the book and co-author on this article, Tally Whitehead .

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

10 Encouraging Facts About Marriage You Need to Hear and Shareby Shaunti Feldhahn Honoring All the Mothers (Who Are Loving the Kids They’ve Got)by Shaunti Feldhahn 3 Great Ways to Handle Dramaby Shaunti Feldhahn In Troubled Times, Remember How the Story Endsby Shaunti Feldhahn 3 Ways Fictional Marriages can Sabotage Real Ones—and How to Get it Rightby Shaunti Feldhahn

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Honoring All the Mothers (Who Are Loving the Kids They’ve Got)

Special note: If you are struggling with Mother’s Day due to any number of complex emotions, I’m sending you a virtual hug. Some of you want so much to have biological children but struggle with infertility. Others have lost children, spouses, or their own mothers. Others wrestle with complicated relationships with their moms or their children. If Mother’s Day is a painful time for you, set this one aside and come back for next week’s blog. We’ll be here waiting for you!

At a recent high school event, several friends and I were comparing notes—and I was struck by a very important undercurrent I heard. A beautiful pattern that I think often goes unnoticed. Especially by us moms who can be so critical of ourselves.

These women and I discussed how, when our children were small, each of us looked forward to diving deep into that parent rabbit hole called “sports parenting.” We were eager to be those obnoxious moms who don the jerseys, cheer loudly, and try not to give too much advice from the stands. And each of us has an older child who is indeed passionately athletic and with whom we did all those things.

But that wasn’t the end of the story.

Each of us also has a younger child who felt the early weight of those same expectations—but just isn’t as interested in sports. In one way or another, the moms described a quick pivot being required.

One mom described realizing how she could switch from enjoying lacrosse to enjoying robotics competitions. Another described the adventure of finding specialized art lessons so her son could pursue his interest in anime. Several others celebrated their kids’ incredible musical gifts and enjoyed their delight at being onstage. One of these suburban women even proudly described her son’s unexpected desire to get a college degree in how to care for farm animals.

I listened to all these moms with a swelling heart. They didn’t even realize what they were saying: that without fanfare, without cheers from spectators to their own life, they had truly been loving their kids for who they were, not who they had perhaps expected them to be.

Moms, we can be so attuned to what we might be doing wrong as a mom that we can absolutely miss what we are doing right. The mom-guilt struggle is real. But so is the reality that we don’t give ourselves enough credit for: Most moms see their child for who they are and try to love them well. Sure, in early years they may have dreamed of designing banners for the gregarious extrovert who was always elected class president—but in reality, they loved and celebrated the sensitive bookworm son or daughter who won anonymous creative writing competitions instead.

Our kids may not consciously recognize that we love them for who they are—but down deep they experience it nevertheless. It is surely one reason why our research with thousands of teens for For Parents Only uncovered the most heartwarming finding of all my research studies. Something I want to leave you with for this Mother’s Day.

In one of our nationally representative surveys, hundreds of teenagers had been brutally honest when they answered the questions: they were straining for freedom, sometimes angry about Mom and Dad’s restrictions, wishing their parents would listen better, and on and on. But then at the end of the survey we gave them a blank space where they could say whatever they wanted. We asked them, essentially: If you knew this was your last day with your parents, what would you like to say to them?

To this day, I still cannot read their comments without crying. After two dozen survey answers filled with candid frustrations, a switch flipped. These kids were brought up short to really think about not being with their Mom and Dad anymore. And they poured out their hearts. They said, essentially, I love you so much, I’m sorry I’ve been such a brat, and when I’m a parent I’m going to parent just like you. There were a few angry or lonely comments, but more than 95% of the kids would want you to know: you’re doing a great job as a mom. (And a dad, for that matter!)

This Mother’s Day, I’ll leave you with just a few of the first comments on the long list. But I encourage you to take a few minutes and read the hundreds of other comments for yourself. And be encouraged. This is how our kids feel about us. Because they know that, as imperfect as we are, we are working to love them well. 

(Some comments here are shortened or lightly edited for clarity.)

Dad, Mom, I love you with all my heart forgive me for all my misbehavior and bad attitudes. I just love you so much.Stepmother: I know I’ve always had jealousy towards you ever since you came into our family. I really regret saying that you should’ve never married my dad. I’m just really glad that God brought you into my life. Without you, my dad, my sisters and I wouldn’t have made it his far. I’m just really sorry. If I could turn back time I would change my attitude towards you guys. I love you both!Even though I have not acted like it all the time, I just want to let you know that I love you. Thank you for pushing me to become the best person that I could possibly be. Even though I may have felt that you were being unfair, I realize now that it was all worth it and that you did it because you love me.Even though I’ve yelled a lot, and said some things that I wish I could take back, I just want you to know that I love you.Even though we get into a lot of fights, the things I said never meant anything and even though you didn’t take it that way I always felt bad. I love you. :o)I would want them to know everything I ever did wrong and make sure they forgave me. That’s the most important thing to me.Forgive me for the wrong things I have done, tell them I love them very much.How much I love and appreciate them.How much I love my mom and how much I appreciate her even when I act like I don’t. She tries really hard, and I can act like a brat, but she means the world to me.How much I love them.How much I love them and appreciate what they have done for me. At times I may seem like I hate them, but I always love them and they have always supported me. I wouldn’t want them to feel like they have failed as parents. …I love them so much.I am so sorry for everything I have done in the past. I realize I have made mistakes and have acted stupid lately, but I love you and respect your opinions.I am so sorry that I said any mean things to you. I love you soo much. I don’t know if I can live without you. I will miss you way too much.I am sorry for all the trouble that me being a teenage mom has caused you. I truly know and appreciate how much you care about me and my son. Thank you for supporting us in hard times.

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3 Great Ways to Handle Drama

The man behind me at the grocery checkout was on his phone with his daughter—and clearly having a hard time getting a word in edgewise. “No, honey, I—” [pause as his daughter talks]. His voice rose slightly, as he tried to break in. “But I am listening, I just don’t think—” [another pause]. “Honey—” His voice rose even more, attracting the attention of others around us. He looked toward the cashier and me. “I’m sorry you’re upset, sweetheart, but I’m checking out at the grocery store, and I need to go.”

He ended the call, grinned slightly sheepishly at us, and nodded his head toward the phone. “She’s thirteen,” he said in explanation. “Drama queen.”

“Ah,” I said. “My daughter had plenty of those moments. It will get better.”

Suddenly his jokey manner slipped a bit. “I hope so. I have four girls.” He held up the phone. “She’s the oldest. And I have no idea how to handle all the drama.”

The female cashier finished my groceries and started on his, chiming in, “You don’t handle it! You just try to survive it!” The man bagging the groceries chuckled and threw in his two cents. “My solution? Man cave. My wife passed the drama gene on to our daughter. So when the tears start—with either of them—the only solution is to head downstairs and let the storm pass.”

I said goodbye and walked out to my car, wishing they knew that “just surviving” and withdrawing were not the only solutions—and that there were certain actions that would not only be much more loving, but would probably make them a hero to their loved ones.

So here are three things I wish I would have been able to say that day. These are from the research surveys for our books For Parents Onlyand For Men Only, among others, and are three super-simple steps that usually speak to the heart of a “dramatic,” upset person. (And because “drama” could be defined in lots of different ways, note what I’m tackling in this article is primarily how to handle the average child or adult who occasionally gets upset, weepy, angry, and so on, in a way that seems to be blowing things out of proportion and perhaps making things worse.)

Step 1: Start by assuming it’s a real issue

When someone is upset—whether it is a spouse, a daughter, or a son (yes, boys can have drama too!)—the one thing that is sure to make it worse is starting from the assumption that the person “shouldn’t” be so upset. That they are ramping up their emotions to a ridiculous degree. That they are being irrational and oversensitive.

As you can imagine, it rarely works to say something out loud like, “Honey, stop being an irrational mess. Let’s just calm down and realize that just because your friends didn’t include you in the ice cream outing doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore.”

Has saying anything like that ever resulted in the tearful or angry person suddenly saying, “By Jove, you’re right. Thank you for your logic. I’m not upset anymore.”?

Just as it doesn’t work to say it, it doesn’t work to assume it—because you are essentially dismissing something that is clearly important to them.

Now, I should be clear: sometimes the person is being oversensitive. Sometimes they indeed are blowing things out of proportion! But in the moment, the worry or hurt or fear is real to them. And what you see as “drama” is often a cry to be heard. So trying to downplay it will make it worse, not better!

Step 2: Stay calm but warm

You might see the “dramatic” person as amping up the volume on their worry or outrage or weepiness, but if you want a true solution to the drama, you cannot do the same. Don’t get upset that they are upset (especially since, in some cases they may be subconsciously trying to draw you into the drama as well.)

Instead, it will make all the difference if you stay calm but warm. Notice that this is very, very different from coldly shutting things down or withdrawing to your “cave” (whether it is a man cave or a woman cave!) until the storm has passed. This means staying present, warm, and empathetic, but not agitated.

And, crucially, this pairs with what you do in Step 3.

Step 3: Listen to their feelings

One of the biggest mistakes made by a parent or a spouse of an upset person is to try to shut down the drama by shutting down the dramatic flow of feelings or by trying to quickly fix the problem that is causing the feelings. It may seem logical that stifling the feelings will stifle the drama, but our research found that trying to stifle the feelings will often make the drama worse.

It is very common for an upset teenager to tell a parent, “You’re not listening to me!” when the parent has been trying their best to listen and solve the issue. It is also quite common for a husband to hear, “I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to listen!” from his wife. And what we found with surveys of thousands of people for For Parents Onlyand For Men Only, is that in both cases the person’s underlying need—what will often fix the drama—is to sense that their feelings have been heard. And the only way to do that is for someone to draw out and listen to their feelings about whatever is going on.

For example: “I’m so sorry that they got ice cream without you, honey. That must be hard. What did you think when you saw their posts about it?”

Now, it may alarm you to consider standing in front of a weepy teenage daughter and asking a question like that—after all, wouldn’t that make it worse? Won’t that be like throwing gasoline on a fire?! 

I would have thought so, too! But instead, we discovered it is more like drawing poison out of a wound. As you say things like “how did that make you feel?” you are drawing out all those chaotic, turbulent feelings. And as you go, you will usually see the person begin to feel heard. They begin to relax. And at that point they’ll be more likely to want to talk about it if there is an external solution needed. (“Do you want to discuss how to handle it when you get to school tomorrow?”)

Although there will always be people who are addicted to drama (who these steps don’t work on, and which is beyond the scope of this article), in most cases the people we love mostly just want to feel heard. Try these three steps. If they consistently don’t work, you may need to put boundaries in place instead, so you are not captive to someone who truly just wants to create more drama. But if you see them work in the moment, consider this a skill worth building. A skill that also shows them love.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

3 Great Ways to Handle Dramaby Shaunti Feldhahn In Troubled Times, Remember How the Story Endsby Shaunti Feldhahn 3 Ways Fictional Marriages can Sabotage Real Ones—and How to Get it Rightby Shaunti Feldhahn A Different Perspective on Teens—and How to Talk to Themby Shaunti Feldhahn What I’m Loving Lately: March 2022by Shaunti Feldhahn

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In Troubled Times, Remember How the Story Ends

Early this year, you may have seen the meme that says, “Before I agree to 2022 I want to read the terms and conditions.” Doesn’t it capture where we are? Unbelievably, since that meme came out, things did indeed get way worse in our world. We find ourselves living in a time of great turbulence and uncertainty—not just a 2-and-a-half-year pandemic and cultural unrest, but now a devastating war in Ukraine, horrifying images on our screens, and all the security concerns that come with tension between nuclear powers. Not to mention the usual stresses of day-to-day life: work, finances, relationship issues. It’s enough to bring anyone to a place of worry and fear.

But when that worry knocks on our door, we need to remind ourselves of the true reality beyond what we can see. Because while things may seem out of control from our human perspective, they’re not. The reality is that God is in complete control—from the biggest world issues to the smallest details of our own personal struggles. And there’s tremendous peace to be found in that knowledge. I love how Billy Graham once put it: “I’ve read the last page of the Bible. It’s all going to turn out all right.”

I reflected on this very idea in my devotional Find Rest, and I thought it would be appropriate to share a reminder of this powerful, comforting truth today.

Have you ever known someone who reads the last few pages of a book before they start the beginning of the book? One friend of mine reads the ending of every book first. It puts her mind at ease to know how the story will end—whether it’s happy or sad and who lives or dies. This habit always seemed funny to me, since knowing the ending takes all the tension out of the intense chapters. At least I thought it was a funny habit, until I was reading one particular book and literally begged a friend to tell me what happened next. I needed reassurance that the story would turn out right in the end.

Our lives are a story. As we scroll through, page by page, some chapters are victorious, while others are full of struggle. Some are a bit mundane, but others contain milestones such as marriage, the birth of a child or grandchild, a big move, or a new job. Some are scary: that day we got a diagnosis or a loved one died.

Our stories are woven with many threads, including joy, worry, struggle, happiness, and—since we can’t know what will happen tomorrow—the great unknown.
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But what if we knew the ending? Would that change how we read the suspenseful chapter that we’re in right now? How would we interpret those few pages that were filled with sadness or struggle?

As Christ followers, we do know the ending of our story. Jesus Himself tells us the plot: we will have trouble in this world, but He has overcome the world! (John 16:33) There will be chapters of pain and heartbreak because we live in a big, broken, messy world. But then He flips to the last chapter because He wants us to know that in the end, He will defeat everything that makes us sad, scared, or defeated. We can’t see eternity yet, but we can cling to the truth that once and for all, God does win against the enemy. And as children of God, we win too.

What is worrying you today? What dark threads of fear are trying to weave their way into your story? Trouble may be there, but fear doesn’t have to be. In intense times, remind yourself that you know the ultimate ending. For those who are followers of Jesus, He promises us that the last chapter of our story is well worth it.

Excerpt taken from Shaunti’s devotional Find Rest from  iDisciple Publishing 

Have you already received your copy of Find Rest? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

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3 Ways Fictional Marriages can Sabotage Real Ones—and How to Get it Right

Not long ago, I was taking a lunch break and reading a novel—and was jolted by a particular scene that reminded me of a conversation I’d had with my college-age daughter. She’s been dating a young man for more than a year, and as their relationship has deepened, she has been realizing the differences between how things work in the fictional relationships she sees all around her—in the latest TV series or fiction books—and how things work in real life. “I’m just now realizing,” she told me, “that these shows and books often portray great marriages but not necessarily the truth for how you create great marriages. The goal is right but the examples they show of what the couple is actually doing are often so wrong. In real life, I don’t think good stuff comes from doing those things!”

Perhaps because of that conversation, my eyes were suddenly opened to one such example as I was reading that novel. And then I saw another example a few pages later . . . and another. The next day some other examples jumped out at me while watching a movie. And then in an episode of the latest TV show we’ve been bingeing. I’ll share some of these examples shortly. But it caused me to realize . . . these “that approach only works in fiction” examples are everywhere. And we need to identify them so we can purposefully replace the wrong approaches and expectations with the right ones.

There are so many examples, I could write a whole book on this (hmm . . .) but for now, here are three common ways we must replace fiction with truth:

Fiction #1: You can speak truth in a cutting way and your spouse will shrug it off or even accept it because they love you.Truth #1: Just because your spouse loves you doesn’t mean their feelings don’t get hurt—even if they don’t always show it.

Jeff and the kids were watching an old episode of The Big Bang Theory not long ago, and one of the characters—a pretty, bubbly wife—was saying things to her husband like, “I’ll stop doing such-and-such when you stop being a nitwit.” She paused for the studio laughs, and her husband sheepishly shrugged and accepted it.

I thought: it sounds okay when you’re an actor with great comedic timing, especially when your next words are back to normal. But in real life, we are not like those actors and our spouse doesn’t think it is funny.

In our research with the happiest couples for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, one of the starkest findings was that happy couples are completely honest with each other—but always in a kind way, never a cutting one. After all, think about it: would you speak to a friend in that way? A colleague? If you want to spend the rest of your life in a thriving relationship with someone, you have to care about their feelings.

Fiction #2: If you do hurt your spouse’s feelings, they will forgive all and not pout, cry, or hold a grudge.Truth #2: If you hurt your spouse’s feelings, there will be consequences you have to navigate.

The novel I mentioned earlier was an action-fantasy-romance story, and the main character is a woman who meets and marries a powerful but kind king in disguise. (Yes, this book is purely a guilty pleasure; don’t judge.) One afternoon after she begins ruling at her husband’s side, she disagrees with a decision he makes and snaps at him in front of everyone in his inner circle. Things are frosty between them for several hours solely because of her irritation(not because he is upset), and by dinnertime he approaches her to say he is sorry he made the wrong decision, and that she has every right to question him.

How he approaches the situation is the very picture of grace, equanimity, and kindness—and represents how only a tiny fraction of real people would handle it. Not because he apologizes for his part so quickly (many spouses try to keep short accounts). But because in most cases a real-life spouse would not be okay with being undermined in front of others. Especially in front of those whose respect they most need. It would humiliate them. Their feelings would be terribly hurt, and they would struggle greatly with a desire to pull away, or to criticize back.

Fictional relationships (especially in romance-type-stories) very rarely show the love interest getting their feelings hurt—at least not for any length of time. In other words: there are simply no consequences for words and actions that in real life would be hurtful. So when our real-life spouse does have hurt feelings about something we said or did and withdraws (or gets angry or cries), something inside us believes they are being oversensitive. Maybe even “dramatic.” We subconsciously view them as unreasonable for having those hurt feelings. And although some people do indeed take their hurt feelings to unreasonable levels, in most cases we have to consider that their hurt is legitimate.

As we discovered in the research for many of our books, including For Women Only and For Men Only, each of us have deep insecurities inside. Triggering these insecurities is what leads to the hurt feelings. And unlike what we see on TV, we will need to navigate the consequences. Far better to avoid hitting the nerve of the person we love in the first place.

Fiction #3: My spouse will respond to me in the way I want—and if they don’t, there’s something wrong.Truth #3: My spouse is a very different person from me, with a different makeup in many ways—and thus is unlikely to always respond the way I want even though they deeply care about me.

One of the most pernicious ramifications of fictional portrayals of women in hard or soft porn, and of men in erotica and romance stories, is how these portrayals subconsciously set up completely unrealistic expectations for how our spouse “should” behave and act in certain situations.

For example, most men in this culture have regularly seen either hard-core pornography or soft-core erotic scenes in the average streaming TV series—and don’t realize just how much it has shaped their view of what mutual, loving intimacy is and what their wife “should” want when it comes to sex. After all, the women in those erotic scenes are always eager for it. Not only does her bad, emotional day at work not get in the way of her libido—it sparks her to want to hop into bed to feel better. Needless to say, many real-life women are wired quite differently. Although one in four women do have a higher desire than their husbands (according to our most recent research), in most marriages the husband has the higher drive. And although such a husband may not be surprised that his wife wants a listening ear as soon as she gets home from the emotional day at work, he may be very surprised if he reaches for her later that night and discovers she is not eagerly hoping for sexual comfort. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about sex (or about him)—but it does mean that she is wired differently than he is.

Or, when the heroine in the romance novels gets weepy, worried, and withdrawn after a fight, the hero always pursues her to find out what’s wrong and reassure her of his undying affection. That is, of course, what many real-life women wish would happen! But in real life we can’t think that is what should happen. Why? Because after a fight a man is highly likely to want to withdraw, too! Not because he doesn’t care but because he may instinctively want time and space to process what just happened, address his own hurt or anger and/or think about what to do next.

It is so crucial to realize that the real, warm, caring person we are married to isn’t any less warm or caring just because they are real. Just because they are not consistent with the fictional portrayals we see all around us. Let’s learn to not only avoid the fictional expectations—but also to love and celebrate the person our spouse really is.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

3 Ways Fictional Marriages can Sabotage Real Ones—and How to Get it Rightby Shaunti Feldhahn A Different Perspective on Teens—and How to Talk to Themby Shaunti Feldhahn What I’m Loving Lately: March 2022by Shaunti Feldhahn Does Marriage Matter? This Study Says Yesby Shaunti Feldhahn Going from “You” and “Me” to “Weby Shaunti Feldhahn

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A Different Perspective on Teens—and How to Talk to Them

As a mom fully entrenched in the teen parenting season (in the highly sensitive “managing college admissions” phase) and as a social researcher hearing from parents whenever I speak, I’m sensitive to adults’ perceptions of teens and their behavior. Much of the current media messaging and cultural conversation conveys a handwringing, going-to-heck-in-a-hand-basket attitude—a jaded skepticism about the maturity and choices of our teenagers. 

I want to give you a different perspective—one that you can use as a way to talk to your kids. And one that might, just might, bring you and your child closer in the process.

Are we looking for the negative because we expect the negative?

Despite the very real issues out there, most of us have also seen the good choices that many teens are making. Which is not always easy in a culture in which it can seem challenging to do the right thing – and is even less easy when teens are far more anxious than ever before. I’ll share some actual data on the trend of good choices in a moment. But here’s the issue to start with: The bad teen behavior tends to be what gets a lot of press—and attention from parents.

This is completely understandable and is certainly needed on a case-by-case basis when an incident or pattern of behavior needs to be addressed. But it can also be all too easy to look for problem behaviors simply because we are highly attuned to the possibility that they are there. In which case we may simply not see or give credit for the good choices. 

In other words, we may be missing the good forest because we’re expecting to see the unhealthy trees. 

Now, that said, some parents have the opposite problem. We do always need to be wise and aware and not burying our heads in the sand about what our darling do-no-wrong-honor-student might actually be doing wrong! 

But just because a student occasionally does something wrong out of a desire for freedom (or out of a fear of losing it), doesn’t mean the wrongdoing defines who they are or who they are becoming. In my research with more than 3,000 teens for For Parents Only and other books, the vast majority of kids want to grow up to be a “good person.”

So here’s the hard but essential question to ask yourself—and your kids: Am I perhaps expecting the negative and thus focusing too much on what they are doing wrong? Am I missing the good?

Because there is a lot of good out there. Before I come back to how to have a conversation with our kids about this, let’s review some new and hopeful research regarding the state of teens overall.

Risky behaviors of teens in key areas have decreased.

This chart should encourage a lot of parents. It’s from the latest Youth Risk Behavior Survey released by the CDC’s Division of Adolescent and School Health. Over the most recent 15-year period, 9th graders in the U.S. (14-15-year-olds) have shown a huge decrease of risky behavior! Contrary to how it might seem, there has been a significant drop in the ratio of kids who have ever drunk alcohol, ever tried marijuana, ever smoked a cigarette, or ever had sexual intercourse. 

What this means is that many of our kids, to some degree or another, have been hearing our warnings about bad choices and heeding them! Sadly, this is not all of our kids, but the percentages hav­e been improving—in some cases dramatically.

I very personally know how annoyed we may get at other behaviors we view as slothful or frustrating (as you can see on the chart, the main teen behavior that actually increased was video gaming/computer use, in part because of the accessibility afforded by smartphones). But we can’t let those frustrating choices distract us from praising their less risky behaviors overall. In fact, adults should be shouting from the rooftops about how grateful we are that more kids are avoiding the traditional traps of sex, drugs, and alcohol. They deserve a lot of credit and praise for their healthy choices. 

So here are the next questions we can use as a conversation prompt with our kids: Have I been giving you enough praise for your good choices? More to the point: Have I been aware of when those good choices cost you something? (For example, fitting in with those peers who might be making a different choice, or simply because you are not doing something unhealthy that you really want to do?) It is so essential to develop a relationship with our kids that allows them to share what they are really thinking and feeling. Which leads to the last point. 

Let’s discuss and model with our teens the concept of “wrong versus wise.”

In a series of interviews recently, I became aware of a young man who I will call Jason. Jason is 17 years old, a Junior in high school, and is unfortunately part of a risk-taking crowd at his school—a group of about 15 boys who have been friends since elementary school. They all play on the football team together—and they often get together on weekends to drink and smoke weed at whichever house doesn’t have parental oversight that weekend.

Here’s the amazing thing: while everyone around him is getting high, Jason abstains. He will still spend these evenings with the only long-time friends he has, but he doesn’t engage in the risky behavior. And he wants to go to college and find other friends who will help him live a better life.

Why? What is leading him to this choice?

It seems highly related to the fact that his parents have worked to come alongside him and create a real relationship that is marked by mutual respect. I’m sure his parents wish he wasn’t at these parties, but they don’t prevent him from going. They have instead spent the last years purposefully doing things together with him (hobbies, hiking, trips) and trying to model and discuss character and wise choices in the midst of temptation. 

Now, some may disagree with the parents’ decision to allow him to hang out with those friends. Others may counter that a 17-year old could figure out how to see them anyway, and he needs to learn to make good choices even when surrounded by those who are not. But regardless, there is one method employed by Jason’s parents that is important to consider. While writing my book, For Parents Only, I discovered how much it impacted kids when their parents moved beyond the “easy” discussion of “wrong versus right” and instead modeled and discussed the concept of “wrong versus wise.” 

It is essential to draw our kids into a conversation that will help them internalize the reason for the rules: “Why do you think the rules exist?” “Do you think that rules are enough to bring change?” “How can someone resist an unhealthy temptation even if there isn’t a “rule” against it?” The kids will eventually articulate what you most want them to “get”: The rule ultimately exists because of the need to do what is wise and healthy for my life and the lives of others. It’s against the rules to drive 100mph, but the main reason to avoid it isn’t just the “rule” but because I might kill myself or other people. And here’s how I can resist that temptation when my friends start road racing.

Yes, we as parents have to be wise too. But part of that wisdom comes from celebrating our kids’ wise choices and victories and not harping on the video games or social media use that we wish were different. Our kids need to be equipped to counter temptation and feel that they can do so—and part of that is being celebrated and noticed when they do. As those who follow Christ, if we are living out our faith in an authentic way, our kids will learn to be wise.Whether they, too, choose to follow Jesus and actually make the wise choices will be up to them. But the chances are much greater if we engage with them and praise them for the good character they are showing. 

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

A Different Perspective on Teens—and How to Talk to Themby Shaunti Feldhahn What I’m Loving Lately: March 2022by Shaunti Feldhahn Does Marriage Matter? This Study Says Yesby Shaunti Feldhahn Going from “You” and “Me” to “Weby Shaunti Feldhahn Simple But Powerful Relationship Lessons We Can Learn From Kidsby Shaunti Feldhahn

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What I’m Loving Lately: March 2022

Hi Friends,

Can I tell you how thrilled I am to be done with my book deadline and back into “normal life”?! 

I wanted to update you on my excitement about that and some of the other key things I’m enjoying now that I’ve re-entered human society!

1. Our latest research project and book is written!!

Many of you followed my Instagram Stories as I narrated the process of writing our latest research book on sex and marriage. I’m pretty sure you thought I’d be writing that book forever . . . because I was starting to think that, too! This has been by far the most complicated and sensitive research project to date—mostly because we are deep-diving into one of the most misunderstood and most sensitive topics that affects marriages. We wanted to be sure we were getting it right. Thankfully, our co-author, renowned sex therapist, Dr. Michael Sytsma, is so wise and was so good about ensuring everything was accurate. We have a lot still to do (multiple rounds of edits, design, and so on) but we are thrilled about getting this game-changing book out to you next February!

2. Opening up means getting to do fun stuff again! 

Is anyone else loving how much things are opening up after COVID? This past weekend I got to go see my first live theatre show since the pandemic, with my friend Beth Bacall—and it was glorious. Having spent much of my life onstage and choreographing musical theatre, being back in person, with the dancing and music—ah, so good for the spirits. 

3. My kids make me laugh!  

I have to show you this text from my college-age daughter who—like many—is an avid TikTok person. (As she puts it, “sharing TikToks is my generation’s love language!”) For a project I was working on, I needed to track down some funny TikToks—including ones she’d sent me before—and figured she could help. I got this text message back. I had to laugh. 

Speaking of those funny TikToks, you have to see this one. I can’t not share something so adorable. If you’ve ever wondered what your young kids are saying (or singing!) to themselves when they think you can’t hear them, now’s your chance. (Watch to the end!)

@chasing.sage ♬ original sound – chasing.sage

4. And speaking of my kids . . . I’m so aware that “kid time” is now limited! 

There is a giant ticking clock hanging over my house. Our son is a high school senior, with less than two months until graduation. Wait, what? How did that happen??? While it is a very bittersweet thought that he will so swiftly be off to college and flying on his own, I am truly loving and savoring the time we are getting to spend with him now. This weekend we had a Marvel movie marathon “just because.” Oh, my heart. 

5. I’m starting my next devotional! 

Am I allowed to say how much I’m looking forward to not jumping back into a research project just yet and writing my next devotional instead? Although I love doing the research and seeing the relationship transformation that comes from writing the non-fiction relationship books, those projects involve so many moving parts and are so complex! They also take three years to complete. So after the last few years of work on the sex-and-marriage book, my team and I are eager to tackle the next devotional called Find Hope. Which is something I’m guessing that all of us need in this crazy season we are living through.

The post What I’m Loving Lately: March 2022 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What I’m Loving Lately: March 2022

Hi Friends,

Can I tell you how thrilled I am to be done with my book deadline and back into “normal life”?! 

I wanted to update you on my excitement about that and some of the other key things I’m enjoying now that I’ve re-entered human society!

1. Our latest research project and book is written!!

Many of you followed my Instagram Stories as I narrated the process of writing our latest research book on sex and marriage. I’m pretty sure you thought I’d be writing that book forever . . . because I was starting to think that, too! This has been by far the most complicated and sensitive research project to date—mostly because we are deep-diving into one of the most misunderstood and most sensitive topics that affects marriages. We wanted to be sure we were getting it right. Thankfully, our co-author, renowned sex therapist, Dr. Michael Sytsma, is so wise and was so good about ensuring everything was accurate. We have a lot still to do (multiple rounds of edits, design, and so on) but we are thrilled about getting this game-changing book out to you next February!

2. Opening up means getting to do fun stuff again! 

Is anyone else loving how much things are opening up after COVID? This past weekend I got to go see my first live theatre show since the pandemic, with my friend Beth Bacall—and it was glorious. Having spent much of my life onstage and choreographing musical theatre, being back in person, with the dancing and music—ah, so good for the spirits. 

3. My kids make me laugh!  

I have to show you this text from my college-age daughter who—like many—is an avid TikTok person. (As she puts it, “sharing TikToks is my generation’s love language!”) For a project I was working on, I needed to track down some funny TikToks—including ones she’d sent me before—and figured she could help. I got this text message back. I had to laugh. 

Speaking of those funny TikToks, you have to see this one. I can’t not share something so adorable. If you’ve ever wondered what your young kids are saying (or singing!) to themselves when they think you can’t hear them, now’s your chance. (Watch to the end!)

@chasing.sage ♬ original sound – chasing.sage

4. And speaking of my kids . . . I’m so aware that “kid time” is now limited! 

There is a giant ticking clock hanging over my house. Our son is a high school senior, with less than two months until graduation. Wait, what? How did that happen??? While it is a very bittersweet thought that he will so swiftly be off to college and flying on his own, I am truly loving and savoring the time we are getting to spend with him now. This weekend we had a Marvel movie marathon “just because.” Oh, my heart. 

5. I’m starting my next devotional! 

Am I allowed to say how much I’m looking forward to not jumping back into a research project just yet and writing my next devotional instead? Although I love doing the research and seeing the relationship transformation that comes from writing the non-fiction relationship books, those projects involve so many moving parts and are so complex! They also take three years to complete. So after the last few years of work on the sex-and-marriage book, my team and I are eager to tackle the next devotional called Find Hope. Which is something I’m guessing that all of us need in this crazy season we are living through.

The post What I’m Loving Lately: March 2022 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Does Marriage Matter? This Study Says Yes

Is marriage optional? Does it matter if I get married? Does it matter if fewer people choose to get married in general? Those who are coupling up and those who follow cultural trends are asking these crucial questions today.

And these questions span the globe. A few months before the pandemic shut everything down, I was in London presenting some of my research to a global family-development congress. And as representatives of many dozens of countries gathered, the questions above were urgently on their minds. Because this trend has been clear for decades: as countries “modernize” and develop, marriage becomes more and more optional. (Customize these charts to see trends around the world.) 

There are literally dozens of big-picture studies that quantify just how vital marriage is to everything from human flourishing and health to raising women and children out of poverty. 

And yet those broad academic studies don’t help the average couple who is wondering if marriage really matters for them. So here’s one truth that will help: It turns out, you will likely have a much better and happier relationship if you get married than if you cohabit.

This fascinating study from the U.K.’s Marriage Foundation found that married couples have a stronger commitmentto the relationship and to each other, greater happiness within the relationship and with each other, and greater ability to weather the storms and come out thriving on the other side. 

Let’s look at how this works—and why.

Marriage gives couples power to make it through the tough times

Today, it is understandable that a couple might wonder if a relationship can withstand the demands of a permanent commitment. But it turns out: the permanent commitment itself helps make it possible for couples to withstand the challenges of life, and create a healthy, happy relationship. 

In the new UK study, researchers surveyed married adults. They asked what the couples thought would have happened if they had been together but unmarried instead of married. Fully 30% of those surveyed said they wouldn’t still be together today! In other words, the fact of the marriage commitment itself gave the couple the oomph to get through the tough times. 

And, thankfully, as other research has discovered, sticking with that commitment doesn’t usually mean putting up with a miserable marriage for the rest of your life: Instead, it usually leads to an even better marriage in the end! In a landmark 2002 study, among the most unhappily married couples who nevertheless stuck it out, almost eight in ten were happily married five years later.

Now, clearly, there are tragic exceptions, and cases where (for example) a spouse must separate in order to protect themselves or their children from abuse. If you are in one of those situations, I would urge you to get help immediately. But in most difficult marriages, the issue isn’t abuse but a lack of hope. And that is where a permanent commitment makes such a difference. When a couple knows they have no choice other than to figure it out, they usually do! 

As one woman told me, “Knowing marriage is forever doesn’t mean you won’t have arguments. But it means you have a much better chance of navigating through those arguments and coming out on top. When you put God at the head of your marriage and know that He says marriage is forever, the only option is ‘Let’s work through it.’”

Being “all-in” in the relationship is the secret sauce for thriving

In a previous article, I shared the importance and value of being “all-in” with your spouse. This new study affirms that. The results show that “a significant proportion of couples attribute their success to the fact they got married rather than remained unmarried.” 

Here’s one reason why: Being fully committed—going “all-in”—means not being self-protective, but rather being open and vulnerable with your spouse. It means not having a Plan B in your back pocket “just in case.” It means trusting your spouse . . . and being worthy of their trust. It means not holding back, but giving all of who you are, and accepting your spouse for who they are, foibles and all. All of those things nurture a relationship. Where the opposite—holding back just a bit in order to protect yourself, having that secret bank account “just in case,” and so on—creates an ever-so-slight lack of trust that gradually and increasingly undermines the relationship instead.

By contrast, going “all-in” doesn’t just help a marriage last, it creates an environment where couples can thrive! When I surveyed couples for my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, I found that this attitude of holding nothing back was a strong contributor to the happiness of their relationship. So the reality is, the commitment that society considers a sacrifice of independence and freedom actually leads to greater relationship satisfaction.

The commitment of marriage provides the ingredients of success

The UK researchers discovered several factors that are crucial for successful relationships: a deliberate decision, a clear plan that removes ambiguity, and social affirmation and accountability that motivates the couple. These ingredients are optional among cohabiting couples but are present by definition in the act of marriage. They are even present in the wedding ceremony! The words “I do” reflect a clearcut decision, the wedding vows provide the plan going forward for each spouse’s attitude toward (and conduct within) the relationship—and what more social affirmation and accountability support can there be than a crowd of witnesses to the day?

Then, when the big day has come and gone, living out that marriage commitment day by day—putting those vows to work through the highs and lows of life—requires all of those key elements. In other words, the amazing thing is that marriage itself provides the very elements it needs to survive . . . and thrive!

In an era when more and more people are asking “does marriage matter?” the data uncovered in this new study is a powerful example of why it matters . . . and matters a lot. Marriage gives a relationship both roots and wings. The roots of a lifetime commitment, and the wings of freedom that come from knowing you are truly loved—not just in the good times or when things are easy, but for life.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Going from “You” and “Me” to “We

Although in the USA, we honor our national independence every July 4, we are exhilarated by individual freedom all year long. Which is great—until it comes to marriage. Suddenly, we’re in a covenant in which two individuals must become one. We are no longer just “you” and “me” but “we.”  

We may love being married and be fully committed to a lifetime together—yet sometimes, secretly, we still kinda want to do what we want to do. And nowhere is that more obvious than in how we handle money. In thousands of interviews and surveys for Thriving in Love and Money, we discovered that most of us (at least 80%) have ways we subconsciously resist being fully “one” in our finances. 

Before you think, “That’s not me,” ask yourself if you’ve ever been tempted to do or think any of the following:

Pull that Amazon package off the porch before your spouse sees it or keep them from knowing about certain spending decisions. Think, “It’s my money, I can spend it this way” or “My spouse can’t tell me what to do with my money” or “My spouse can spend some of it, but I have more say over it than they do.” Feel it’s your responsibility to pay your student loans, since you incurred them. Keep a hidden savings account (or any other account) “just in case” or because “otherwise they might spend it.”  Seek financial help from your family when your spouse wishes you wouldn’t. Split expenses in proportion to what you each earn—not for convenience, but to be “fair.” Cover certain bills to demonstrate your self-sufficiency. Avoid financial planning together so you don’t have to come to an agreement. Think you know best how money should be handled—and your spouse just “doesn’t get it.”  View money your parents gave you (or that you brought into the marriage), as “yours” and resent the idea of your spouse spending it. 

So, what do you think? Do you have more of a desire to “do what you want to do” than you realized? Our research revealed a few unity-building habits to help us resist that temptation and create thriving closeness in our marriages around money instead. 

Unity Builder #1: Be self-aware of any actions that bust “oneness” 

The first step is to actually recognize when you are resisting being fully “one.” 

Here’s a slightly mortifying personal example. I have noticed that when I pull into the garage with more Costco purchases than Jeff was expecting and see his car isn’t there . . . I am instantly relieved. I have to be really honest and see my relief for what it is: a chance to avoid confessing that I got those towels or that bag that was such a good deal, even though we had jointly decided to reduce our spending. As much as I want to avoid it, I have to tell Jeff that I made a judgment call and that I’m totally willing to return the things if he’d prefer. 

But of course, it isn’t just one person who has those “dis-unity” tendencies. Jeff has confessed that when he sees those extra purchases, he can easily be tempted to “play the martyr” and say, “since you overspent, I just won’t go to the eye doctor even though I need new glasses.” He, too, has to be willing to recognize his unhealthy tendencies. 

Both hidden patterns will crack unity—and in both cases unity is created simply by being self-aware and avoiding our unhealthy patterns to begin with. 

Unity Builder #2: Create joint ownership of finances  

There is no way around it. Although the actual structure will look different for every couple, unity and oneness require complete transparency in money matters. Unless there is an extremely unusual situation like a gambling addiction (which is beyond our scope here), both partners should be fully aware of and have access to everything. 

This means dismantling any systems we have put in place that pull us apart or enable mistrust, whether it is something big like prenuptial agreements or secret bank accounts, or something “little” like hidden Walmart receipts. This process takes courage but dramatically builds trust. One young husband even described how an increase in transparency in a completely different area (healing from his pornography problem) led to transparency around finances. 

As we were going into counseling, I was changing into a much lower-paying job. We originally had a lot of conflict and disconnect when we made financial decisions, but because we were coming together in our marriage, we didn’t want something hidden in any area. So, we started opening up about money too. We had much less money, but much more peace of mind and happiness in our marriage. Bringing everything out of darkness has literally changed our lives. 

Unity Builder #3: Allow for individuality, even as you resist independence 

Thankfully, although an independent mindset can pull spouses apart, allowing for each partner’s individualitycan bring you closer together. People simply value different things. We discovered that the happiest couples tend to allocate a monthly amount of money that each can spend on whatever they want, without checking in the other person. With this method, if one wants to spend a “ridiculous” amount on gifts or the other wants to avoid making lunch and regularly eat out instead, they can. 

Unity Builder #4: Believe the best of your spouse’s intentions toward you 

It will be hard to ever be one team unless you let yourself believe what is almost certainly true: Your spouse deeply cares about you and has your best interest at heart—even when they handle money in a way that frustrates you. Believing that in the face of legitimate hurt (since we all hurt each other at times) is the most foundational step toward a thriving marriage. So, the next time your spouse asks if you can review spending, instead of thinking, “they are trying to control me,” think, “I’ll bet my spouse is worried since we dipped into our emergency savings to fix the car.”  

Bottom line: to keep and build oneness instead of independence, look for evidence that your spouse deeply cares for you. You’ll see it everywhere. 

For more tips on how to create unity around finances and thrive in love and money, visit our website thriveinloveandmoney.com to take the free assessment or read more in our book, Thriving in Love and Money.) 

Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn are Harvard-trained social researchers and best-selling authors. Their books, including For Women Only, For Men Only, and their latest book, Thriving in Love & Money, have sold 3 million copies around the world. The Feldhahns live in Atlanta with their two kids and two cats who think they are dogs. 

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