Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 21

Want A New Year’s Resolution That Will Actually Make a Real Difference?

Happy New Year, friends! Or is it actually more like, “Can we just have a Happy New Year already?!” The last few years have left most of us feeling as if we can barely keep our heads above water. We’ve hardly processed 2020, let alone 2021, and now we’re in a brand-spanking-new 2022 and we’re still dealing with, well, EVERYTHING. We’re on our umpteenth COVID variant, we’re still arguing about politics . . . and it’s time for our annual resolutions, diet and exercise promises, and career and family goals!

(Let’s take a moment to collectively take a big, BIG breath.)

All joking aside, there’s something helpful about New Year’s and the chance to evaluate what has worked well in the past, what hasn’t, and what I’d like to do in the future. And one of those things is always, “How can I love others better this year?” I know I’m not alone in that desire—especially given that Jesus Himself called us to love others how He loves us. And wow, does He love extravagantly . . . including, might I add, even those who are a tad difficult?

I have a feeling 2022 could use a lot more of that.

So what’s a New Year’s resolution that might make a real difference in making 2022 a better year than the last? Well, it has to do with our reactions when things don’t exactly go our way.

Hair Trigger Responses

When we did the research for The Kindness Challenge, one of our findings is that many of us have an unrecognized tendency to catastrophize. “If such and such happens, it will be a catastrophe!” For example, “If this person gets elected, it will be a catastrophe!” Or “If my friend dates so-and-so . . .” Or “If we don’t do something about such-and-such . . .” Or “If my child doesn’t study for this test . . .” It is so easy to finish those sentences with: it will be a catastrophe. And don’t get me wrong, that may very well be true!

But what we found in the research is that for some reason, we often become remarkably unkind in confronting that potential catastrophe. We give ourselves license to not be our best selves—to be an unkind, ungracious person because we feel justified in our fear/angst/worry/alarm. But when we look back in our right mind (days, or weeks, or months, or years later) we often find ourselves saying, “what was I thinking?”

Many people today have seen how unkind and divided our culture has become, right? Well one of the main reasons is how much we have let ourselves have a “hair trigger.” We have such a knee-jerk reaction to these potential catastrophes and the harm that could result—and we focus on the catastrophe so much—that we lose any sense of objectivity about a) how likely the harm is and b) the fact that we can cause harm when we confront it.

That’s why I love one man’s honesty and cautionary tale for all of us.

A Note From A Friend

Quite a few years ago, a group of Jeff’s close friends from high school used to have a very active Facebook group. They mostly talked about sports and kids, but occasionally they would discuss whatever the major issue of the day happened to be.

One season, a particular issue rose up that stirred some debate among them. Several of them chose one side, most weren’t that invested, and a few took the other. And this is what Jeff’s friend admitted:

I was in the first camp and let me tell you, did I take myself seriously. Believing myself to be in the right, I loaded up on arguments, counterarguments, historical data, and I went to town. Being a reasonably smart guy and decent writer (forgive the immodesty), I went hard. Really hard. Whenever anyone tried to argue with me, I answered with sarcasm and smarminess. I may have been “right” in my arguments, but there’s no excuse for my behavior. I was a jerk.

Ignoring The Signals

He continued:

One particular friend who disagreed with me tried to send me signals, but I blew right past those. Thinking his efforts to disengage were weakness, I went even harder, desperate to claim my victory. By the time I realized my grave mistake, it was too late. I had deeply wounded my friend. I confessed my sin and he was gracious to forgive me. I repented and in His mercy, God has held me in that. But I had said things that couldn’t be unheard. I had written things that couldn’t be unread. That friendship has never been what it once was. I’m hopeful it may be again someday, but I will need to walk a very humble road for that to happen. All these years later, I don’t feel so strongly about the issue we were debating. But I miss my friend.

And so, dear friends, I hope you’ll learn from my mistake. I know you think that post needs a response. I know you think you’re right. You probably are. But I’m telling you there’s a cost. Make sure it’s one you’re prepared to pay and trust me when I say it probably isn’t. Soon enough—whether months or years from now—you won’t care that much about whatever issue just popped up. But you’ll really wish that friendship was in a better place.

Be Willing To Take A Step Back

I have a close friend with whom I disagree on quite a lot of political and theological issues. My friend is part of multiple Facebook groups with like-minded people who were up in arms and upset about a particular issue in the Christian community. They spent months deconstructing it, talking about how damaging it was, talking about what to do about it, actually doing things about it, and trolling people on social media who were disagreeing with them. The list went on.

But just a week or two ago, people in their group have started asking themselves, “Is this as damaging as we’ve been making it out to be now that we’ve had a few months to look at this?” And many of them decided it wasn’t as big of a deal as they initially thought. Yet they had spent months sharing angry posts and getting mad at people and, in my opinion, causing harm to others—all out of their understandable concern about the original harm.

Friends, we have to be willing to take a step back and be as objective as we can about our passion for a topic or concern. Are we building it up in our minds and making it a catastrophe because we are talking to other like-minded people and creating a “mob mentality” with those who see things the same way? And if so, are we giving ourselves license to sacrifice others’ thoughts and feelings as collateral damage for our cause?

Or perhaps, in this new year, could we consider a better way? One that allows our relationships to thrive due to our determined respect and kindness, even if our concern is totally warranted? I believe this is a cause worth fighting for—and spreading. Because of all the unhealthy things in our world being passed around these days, let’s use love, respect, and kindness to make this new year a much better one.

(If you recognize the need for a different habit and mindset, take the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, which challenges us to do the same three things every day for one month and which has an 89% success rate. Sign up for our free daily reminders and tips and make 2022 a great year for your life and relationships!)

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Want A New Year’s Resolution That Will Actually Make a Real Difference?by Shaunti FeldhahnThe Top Ten Blog Posts From 2021by Shaunti FeldhahnWishing You Christmas Joy, All Year Roundby Shaunti Feldhahn Announcing Let’s Find Joyby Shaunti Feldhahn He’s Retiring! What Happens Now?by Shaunti Feldhahn

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The Top Ten Blog Posts From 2021

What a year, right? We thought 2020 was crazy, but for me and our family and this ministry, 2021 was even more over-the-top. Breast cancer. Surgery and radiation. Guest blogs by many author friends while I was recovering. Supply chain disruptions that caused books to be stuck in containers and on rails instead of in stores and on Amazon. In-person events starting to come back—oh wait, never mind, no they aren’t. And of course, fielding all the surveys for the latest research project on sex and actually having to write the book! (Which I’m still in the middle of… take a look at my sort-of-daily Instagram Stories during the writing process.)

Each of you have your own “crazy 2021” story.

It’s become a late-December tradition for us to share the most popular blog posts from the year so you can catch up on posts you may have missed, especially the ones that so many people connected with. And this crazy year I was particularly wondering: what would people most connect with?

Perhaps not surprisingly, the majority of the top ten posts are marriage-focused—and specifically on some super-practical things each of us can do. If you haven’t seen these articles (as well as many other resources), my team and I hope these give you both encouragement and practical steps to grow your relationship, solve problems, and thrive as a couple. Even beyond marriage, we hope these help you thrive in life!

One special note this year: I am incredibly grateful for my author friends who provided guest posts as I was recovering. And I’m thankful that the wisdom they shared resonated so well that two of their posts appear on this list!

And so, without further ado (as they say), here are this year’s top ten blog posts:

10. When the Enemy is Attacking Your Marriage (guest post by Ashley Willis)

9. Commit to Your Marriage By Going “All-In”

8. Praying For the People of Afghanistan and Haiti

7. Four Phrases Your Wife Would Love to Hear From You

6. Here’s What Your Man is Really Thinking

5. The Sex & Conversation Series, Part 3: “If My Spouse Loved Me, They Would WANT To Do What Warms My Heart!”

4. Stop Hooking Up In Your Marriage (guest post by Dr. Juli Slattery)

3. Does Your Husband Shut Down When You Ask Questions? Here’s Why

2. The Sex & Conversation Series, Part 1: One Simple Sentence That Will Delight Your Wife

1. When You Tease Your Husband, It’s Really No Joke

More “aha moments” and encouragement are in the works for the new year and beyond. Stay tuned!

Wishing you a beautiful and joyous New Year!

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Top Ten Blog Posts From 2021by Shaunti FeldhahnWishing You Christmas Joy, All Year Roundby Shaunti Feldhahn Announcing Let’s Find Joyby Shaunti Feldhahn He’s Retiring! What Happens Now?by Shaunti Feldhahn [image error] Mixing Fear with Money and Marriageby Shaunti Feldhahn

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Wishing You Christmas Joy, All Year Round

“I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”
Luke 2:10-11 (NASB)

Why is Christmas such a joyful season?

Despite the busyness and commercialism of Christmas, why do so many of us love this time of year? It isn’t just the white lights that beautifully line the shopping avenues. Or the seasonal music dancing from the radio. Or the delightful chocolate-peppermint flavors of candy, creamer, and milkshakes that briefly appear in stores and restaurants, before vanishing for the rest of the year.

It is the presence of joy. Deep, expansive wonder. For a few precious weeks in December, real life holds its breath and a sense of heavenly glory invades the world.

We celebrate Jesus coming to Earth. We celebrate something that can never be taken away from those who follow Him: We are and will be living in the presence of our Savior forever!

Which begs the question: Why is Christmas such a unique season? Shouldn’t our “real life” be lived in that sort of glorious joy? And yet it is so easy for our wonder, delight, and gladness to vanish as quickly as the chocolate-peppermint milkshakes. Especially in times of trial, when worry and irritation come so naturally instead.

Good news of great joy for all people.

Yes, life can be very “real” at times. But so is the God who has invaded our world! In Him, we are no longer captive to our circumstances. We can be forgiven of the selfishness that infects every human heart. We can know that at the moment we step out of this world, we will be running into the loving arms of the One who created us, the One who came as a baby two thousand years ago—and of whom the angels shouted and sang. Their words have two meanings: that the news of His birth was joyous, and that He was born with the purpose of bringing us joy.

If our God wants us to live in that sort of delight, year-round, how can we do that? What would that look like?

It would mean we would have to really grasp His awe and majesty. It would mean noticing, remembering, and being grateful for all the wondrous things He does for us every day, rather than focusing on our very real challenges and worries. It would mean coming to hear Him, know Him, and trust Him even during insecurity, heartache, loneliness, or struggle. And it would mean letting that joy within us shine out for all to see, multiplying it even as we give it away.

How to do all of that can be found in both science and scripture—and practicing it is actually the purpose of my devotional Find Joy. It’s a journey worth taking any time of the year, but one that can especially touch hearts—and change lives—as we are attuned to the astounding reality of Emmanuel: God with us.

No matter where we are in our own seasons, and no matter what is going on in our lives, let’s ask God to permanently invade our hearts with Christmas wonder—and declare that we want to be both recipients and givers of His great joy.

This blog is an excerpt from Shaunti Feldhahn’s most recent devotional, Find Joy: A Devotional Journey to Unshakable Wonder in an Uncertain World from iDisciple Publishing

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Wishing You Christmas Joy, All Year Roundby Shaunti Feldhahn Announcing Let’s Find Joyby Shaunti Feldhahn He’s Retiring! What Happens Now?by Shaunti Feldhahn [image error] Mixing Fear with Money and Marriageby Shaunti Feldhahn Giving Thanks For The Things That Matterby Shaunti Feldhahn

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Announcing Let’s Find Joy

I have some exciting news to share and it’s just in time for Christmas!

But first I’ll give you three clues:

It’s a book based on one of my devotionals (Hint: my most recent one!)It involves a couple of kids and their cute sidekicks (who happen to be a puffin and a monkey!)I partnered with my friend, children’s book author, and senior writer and editor on my staff, Katie Kenny Phillips, to write something for the wonderful kids in your life.

Any guesses?

That’s right! I just published my very first children’s book called Let’s Find Joy! It is a children’s version of my women’s devotional, Find Joy: A devotional journey to unshakable wonder in an uncertain world.

Over the last two years our kids have been in a tough spot. Between a global pandemic, virtual learning, parents who are stressed about working from home or losing their job, explosive politics and a country arguing about how best to handle everything from COVID to police reform, our kids have been exposed to a lot. They’re forced to handle not only the normal, everyday struggles of youth but EXTRA, and it’s causing record levels of anxiety for them.

There is a way to teach our kids to find joy in Jesus no matter what our circumstances are! Let’s Find Joy! takes kids on a treasure hunt, giving them clues to finding joy on their journey. These clues follow the same 8 elements found in Find Joy and give children (and their parents!) actionable steps to live a life of wonder in our very uncertain world. This will help give our kids one of the greatest gifts they could receive during this time in history: the ability to navigate turbulent waters well.

This book is absolutely gorgeous and filled with fun things to look at and find. I’m so proud of how it turned out and couldn’t be more excited to get it into the hands of kids this Christmas. Better yet, grab a copy of Find Joy for yourself (or the mother, sister, friend, etc. in your life!). They pair nicely together and who couldn’t use the gift of joy under their tree this year?

So as Katie and I (and a puffin and a monkey!) tell the kids in the book:

“Jesus has a treasure for us—JOY! It’s like happiness times a million—because joy is for ALWAYS! Not just when things seem good or easy or fair. When things are hard, joy is still there. Let’s go on a scavenger hunt for clues that make joy our treasure. Ready . . . set . . . GO!”

Order your copy of Let’s Find Joy and spread joy and hope in a child’s life today. Available from Amazon, or find out more info at iDisciple Publishing.

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He’s Retiring! What Happens Now?

It was the holiday season when Vicki thought her life had settled into a very busy but contented and happy routine. But with the end of the year approaching, her husband Paul told her something that turned her world upside down. No, he wasn’t running off with his assistant, he hadn’t decided to take up big air ski jumping, and he didn’t make an offer on a ranch in Wyoming. But what he was thinking about was a big deal: he wanted to officially retire from his job.

It wasn’t a total surprise. They had talked for years about when they would give up their careers to focus on other things. But suddenly it was no longer a “someday” thing. He was proposing that he give his employer two months’ notice, enough to train his replacement, and that this all happen now.

Vicki was totally supportive of him retiring, even though she was going to keep working shifts as a hospital nurse for at least five or six years. But she was also nervous. Would they partner well in this new season or run into friction? Would they love the extra time together or would they drive each other crazy? Would he be frustrated that she wasn’t ready to retire yet when he wanted someone to spend all his free time with?

If you are in a phase of life where retirement could be beckoning to your husband, you have probably had similar questions. I can tell you from my research with men—including men of retirement age—that there are major life and marriage implications, and it’s worth thinking about these ahead of time.

Let’s consider a few things that could happen as well as some practical ideas both men and women have shared about how to travel this unfamiliar territory.

He’ll still need to be productive and know that he’s making a valued contribution. Support him in finding ways to do that.

Step one in supporting your newly retired husband is understanding how he’s wired. For any man, the work that he does provides not just income, but a sense of identity and purpose. And your man has just given up those things—at least in the realm of “normal jobs” that he’s been doing for the last 40+ years of his life.

It’s a bittersweet change. He’s left behind the stress and demands of work, but he’s also given up a vital aspect of his identity. Or at least, he might see it that way. In my interviews with many couples, it is clear that some men adjust to this disorienting feeling well and others don’t.

Here’s one of the main factors that lead to a good adjustment:  Both of you must recognize that your husband will still have a deep need for significance and contribution—including beyond the family. This doesn’t mean that he won’t enjoy some time off. But sooner or later, many men have told me that they feel “rudderless.” I should note that this is not just a “guy thing”, but it appears to be more acutely felt for men in retirement than for women in retirement. We all have a purpose for our lives, after all—deep callings and ways that we are built to contribute in a meaningful way.

Important callings still exist in this new season. Encourage him—and you—to step into those callings.

I love Ephesians 2:10: “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Those good works don’t magically stop at 65 or 70 or whenever he or his company decides it is time for him to retire. The seasons may change, but we have callings to advance God’s kingdom purposes in all of them.

Stepping into those callings could mean focusing more on family (for example, taking a “grandparents tour” so the two of you can pour into your grandkids around the country) but in his mind, that is probably not all it means. At some point, your man is likely to also need to find other ways to use his skills productively.

Yes, he might have time to chase a better golf handicap or pursue a long-delayed hobby—but he also may suddenly offer to take on the time-intensive role of Chairman of the Board of a charity he had casually contributed to in the past. You might have been anticipating that he would slow way down instead of jumping into another stressful role—and an unpaid one at that! It might help if you step back and see his efforts as a different sort of attempt at wellness in this new season of his life.

Now, it is absolutely understandable that you would want him to slow down and reduce his stress, and you need to be sure he knows what is important to you. (“I’ve been waiting for twenty years for a time when we can do more relaxing things together.”) Yet as I’ve talked to retired couples, it is clear that it makes all the difference to expect that this need may arise in him and find ways to support him in ways that work for both of you. (“I know this Board of Directors role is important and they need you. But the grandkids need you too. How about you say you can be Chairman of the Board as long as you can limit your work to Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays?”)

Routines and roles—for both of you—will undergo changes. Partner well with him to renegotiate roles and responsibilities.

Happy couples are made up of husbands and wives who are good teammates for their spouses. Adjusting to a new routine and renegotiating responsibilities in your home will require being good teammates for each other. If he takes on more tasks around the house, be prepared to feel some frustration if you’ve been primarily in charge of the home. You might find it hard giving up that control. Is he finding “better” ways to do things? Realize that your way is not the only way (shocking, I know!)

Have patience and look on the bright side—you’re getting more help with the chores! But on the flip side, be willing to speak up and stand firm if he doesn’t do more now that he is able. (You arrive home from a long, hectic workday and he’s watching TV, waiting for you to cook dinner, and you think: Um, no . . . we need to figure this out!) Work out an equitable distribution of responsibilities. Then be appreciative of his contributions. Even if he doesn’t do a chore the way you would have, be happy with it and express your gratitude. Knowing he’s made you happy is extremely important to your man and will, in turn, make him happy. That is a friction reducer right there!

He’ll want more time with you to do fun things and just to hang out. Meet his needs, and yours, by balancing time together and time apart.

If your husband’s prior job took him away from home for much of the day, then he is going to be around more, plain and simple. Yes, having him home more is going to add sweetness to your days, but it’s also going to mean less time alone for you. Be prepared for him to feel rested and ready to do fun things together . . . even though you have things to get done! He might be experiencing a perpetual day off, but you may not have that freedom. It is vitally important to have ongoing conversations about what his expectations are and what yours are. That way, neither of you feels surprised or cheated when he wants to go out and play… but you have to work yet another 12-hour shift at the hospital.

Also, if you find yourself feeling envious, maybe that’s a clue to begin developing your own professional exit strategy!

The good news is that even if you are still working, your revised assignments for home responsibilities can give you more time to do more fun things or just hang out with him. And the extra time together can strengthen your marriage. As I learned in doing the research for my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, happy couples spend a lot of time together. And they don’t just spend time together because they’re happy—they’re happy because they spend time together! So make time to be with your man. And balance that with the time you need apart. It’s healthy for you both to maintain friendships. The difference is, now he’ll have more time to hang out with his buddies. Protect your “girl time,” too, without feeling guilty.

Retirement is a life change, for sure. But “change” doesn’t have to mean trouble. Working through these new patterns and challenges is a priceless opportunity to build even more richness into your marriage for this next season of life.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Mixing Fear with Money and Marriage

High school chemistry “volcanos” are only a dim memory, but I do recall that when you combine a little bit of vinegar with baking soda, it creates a chemical reaction, bubbling up in a foamy mess and overflowing everywhere. Well, it turns out that dropping a little bit of fear into your marriage relationship around money does pretty much the same thing.  

As Jeff and I were doing research with thousands of couples for our book, Thriving in Love and Money, we found that, quite often, some of our deepest fears and insecurities will look to our spouse like a little dose of baking soda—in other words, like nothing much at all. Yet, because they are so real to us, those fears are one of the most potent behind-the-scenes elements behind our reactions to money.  

Take Deanna and Carl, for example, who I interviewed months ago. For most of their 17-year marriage, Deanna and Carl have had tension over his highly paid but demanding job. They both agree that he works all the time and—except for a few extravagant vacations here and there—misses a lot that is going on with the family. He can’t make it to very many of the kids’ piano recitals, sporting events, or family dinners, and rarely has time just to hang out. When he is at home, he’s pretty tired and is yearning for downtime rather than games of catch or a dinner date out. Deanna appreciates Carl’s lucrative salary, but many times has told him that she would gladly downgrade to a smaller house and cheaper vacations in order to have more of him. Carl, on the other hand, doesn’t quite believe that. He loves his wife and kids but feels a bit trapped and continues to put in long hours. 

What is going on in situations like this?

We Use Money To Soothe Our Fear Reactions 

Carl and Deanna have very different reactive fears that are exploding all over the place—yet ironically neither of them even recognize those fears as a big deal. Also, both are using money to soothe their own worries, and not realizing that doing so is making the other person’s worse. 

Deanna is grieved and fearful about the loss of closeness between Carl and the family; she worries about whether the kids are feeling loved by their dad and feels a growing insecurity about Carl’s love for her. She pictures the kids being off at college in a few years and her being alone because Carl (in her mind) prefers being at work to being with her. So, she spends money to buy closeness: she arranges nice getaways or nights out at a restaurant near Carl’s workplace, in order to get more family time together. 

Meanwhile, Carl is fearful that unless he doggedly devotes himself to this particular job, that he will be seen as “not a team player” at work and will eventually be pushed out. He worries about failing the family by messing up at work and losing the ability to provide the lifestyle he knows Deanna and the kids enjoy. He doesn’t really want to work so many hours and would love more time with them, but he sees no alternative. After all, those getaways and nights out have to be paid for somehow. And if he’s not present with the family, well, at least he can show his love by providing.  

See how that works? Carl truly doesn’t understand how real Deanna’s fear is about marriage and family relationships dissolving, nor does she grasp how he constantly worries about not being enough to provide. It just seems obvious to Carl that the solution is to work whenever he is asked to . . . which only agitates Deanna’s fears . . . and it just seems obvious to her that she needs to “buy” time together . . . which agitates his fears . . . .

In the money volcano, fear reacts to fear—baking soda and vinegar. My effort to solve my fear makes your fear worse.  

Thankfully, although insecurities lie deep within us, there are simple ways of addressing them. And while our fears may differ widely, just as our personalities do, our research revealed four helpful principles that apply to almost everyone. 

Tip: #1: Know Thyself

When it comes to money and marriage, we first must understand our own fears, sensitivities, and reactions and how they impact our ability to love our spouses well. When you are frustrated, angry or sad, look beneath the surface to understand what is stirring underneath. It makes all the difference to be able to tell your spouse, “I know it may sound strange to you, but I really am worried about _______ (Losing you, losing my job, that you want to be at work more than with me, etc.)” 

Tip #2: Believe Your Spouse 

It is very, very easy to subconsciously dismiss or downplay fears that aren’t our own. Instead, dismiss the temptation to do that. The fear may seem irrational to you, but to your spouse, it is very real. Honor that and try to see life through their eyes.  

Tip #3: Show Your Spouse How To Help You In A Practical Way 

If you would love something to change, show your spouse exactly how it could work, from your perspective—whether that means living on less money or prioritizing a dinner out each week for family time.  

Tip #4: Do The Things That Build Up Your Spouse 

Be attuned to your partner’s fears and insecurities and look for ways to strengthen them in those areas. (“Honey, you are an amazing manager. I’ve seen what your bosses say about you. I know it feels like you could so easily lose your job, but I believe in you.”) Doing this will not only strengthen your relationships but will also ensure that your spouse needs the “antidote” (a knee-jerk use of money to address their fears) less often. 

Messy reactions are normal when it comes to money and marriage. But once we see what is causing them, we can use that opportunity to truly understand our spouse and their deepest fears, forging a much stronger bond in the process. 

For more tips on how to create unity around finances and thrive in love and money, visit our website thriveinloveandmoney.com to take the free assessment or read more in our book, Thriving in Love and Money.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Giving Thanks For The Things That Matter

I have a really busy day today. Do you? I thought so! Well, it’s time for a time-out. In the rush of our daily deadlines, chores, appointments (and let’s be real—sometimes even chaos), Thanksgiving offers us a beautiful opportunity to pause. Between today’s busy-ness and the season of seemingly nonstop holiday activities that’s about to begin, we’re given a chance to sit back, reflect and savor the good. To appreciate our many blessings.

Yes, you may be going through some difficult things right now. Giving thanks might be the last thing you feel like doing. But Scripture tells us that we don’t have to be thankful for all things, but in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Because even though life has seasons of storms and stress, there is always—always—something to be thankful for. It’s what we choose to focus on that makes all the difference.

So our staff team wanted to share some of our gratitude with you. And as you read what each person has decided to share, see if you notice a few common themes—I did!

Here are the things we are particularly grateful for this year:

Eileen—Partner Manager & Executive Assistant

I am thankful to see my two teenagers handling increased responsibility well and being so fun to be around. I am joyously seeing fruit from the seeds sown in their early years.

Katie—Senior Writer and Editor

I’m deeply grateful that our son is thriving in college and making his way into adulthood. What a wonder it is to watch children grow into their personalities and gifts and interests! I’m thankful for the work I get to do that helps families draw closer to Jesus. And I’m oh, so thankful for my family—as lovely and challenging and complicated and as funny as we are. God put us together and I’m glad for it.

Charlyn—Staff & Operations Director

I am grateful for my family and for God’s incredible blessings over us. I am thankful that God has allowed me to be a part of such an incredible relationship-changing ministry and for the amazing friends that I get to work with in this journey. And most of all, I am thankful for Jesus and His daily guidance and shepherding each and every day.

Debbie—Digital Marketing & Content Manager

Life is full of unexpected turns. I’m grateful that I got to reconnect with a dear friend just before her passing in September. She was a great influence and encouragement in my life, teaching me so much over the last decade of our friendship. I hope to continue her legacy of faith, mentorship, and intentionality.

Laura—Church Partner Manager

I think my one word of gratitude would be “community”. Drue (my husband) and I have been part of starting a new church in our area. The launch team that God has raised up has been the sweetest gift. In addition, our neighborhood/small town community has been a blessing—often rallying to support one another, our kids, schools, etc. Our “work community” has also been a fun, encouraging group of women to be part of—definitely a highlight from the past year.

Suzanne—Digital Content Associate 

This year I am especially thankful for the return of things that bring me joy like travel and live music.

Nicole— Speaking Agent

I’m so very grateful for God’s redemptive plan for my life! How He writes the story of my life—for my good and for His glory. AND for meeting Shaunti and her team this year! Reading her books, applying the principles is changing me, my marriage, and my family!

Beth—Writer

As the years go by, I appreciate more and more the simple pleasures: my morning cup of coffee, a good book, enjoying God’s creation on a walk or run, laughter with friends & family, day-to-day life in our charming small town.

Shaunti

I am so very, very thankful for this amazing team. And for family and friends who have been encouragers and comforters during this very challenging year. And for the opportunity to set my hand to do what God has brought my way, in this ministry. Especially for all of YOU who share the impact we have had in your lives and relationships, and who turn around and care for others. That’s the way the Body of Christ is supposed to work and I’m so grateful to be a part of it.

So, did you notice a few common threads among the things we’re thankful for? What seems to permeate our list are the themes of relationships and joy. The things we’re thankful for aren’t things—they’re people and experiences. How appropriate that as we enter the season of gift giving, we intentionally put our focus on the “things” that really matter.

We wish you an opportunity to pause, and in that pause to experience gratitude—for whatever your list includes this year—and to savor the people and experiences that enrich your life. Know that we are thankful for you and we are thankful with you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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This One Secret Is A Game-Changer For Any Relationship

Have you ever seen one of those optical illusion pictures that make their way around social media? The image is clear, but it looks like different things to different people. You see an old lady; someone else sees a young woman. And once you’ve identified the image as one thing, it can be very difficult (if not impossible) to make a shift to the other point of view.

A few years ago, a similar phenomenon—this one an auditory illusion—made the social media rounds. It was an audio clip where some people heard “Laurel” and others heard “Yanny.” And you probably got into an argument with a loved one about how they could possibly hear something different from you.

Jeff and I were no exception; we each thought the other was crazy. (After all, it clearly says Laurel, right? Right?) We started laughing as we recognized the silliness of our underlying assumption. And then we realized: there is actually a lesson here that could save every marriage, strengthen every relationship, and solve every division on the planet if every human being was able to apply it across the board.  

Obviously, we’re all a jumble of imperfections, so that will never happen perfectly! But if we can just keep in mind one thoughtthe next time we assume a spouse, friend, or random politician is just wrong, it would be a game-changer for us and for our culture.

Here is the thought: 

“I can’t hear what you are hearing and I’m not seeing what you are seeing . . . but I trust that you are hearing and seeing it that way, and I care about you.” 

Jeff explained this far more eloquently than I can, so here is what he said as he was processing it for me. Think on it—and see if you agree that it could be a game-changer for your relationships. 

Understanding Our Spouse Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Seeing Things Their Way

Jeff put it this way:

I started thinking about how the Bible tells husbands to live “in understanding” with their wives—and I assume it applies equally with wives to their husbands.

I have always thought of “understanding” as meaning, “I get how this makes you feel” or “I can now see it entirely as you are seeing it.” I wonder if we might have that wrong. Perhaps it is something like, “I still can’t see what you are seeing, but I trust that you are seeing it that way and I love you.”

It’s like with the Yanny/Laurel phenomenon. My brain simply won’t allow me to hear Laurel. As much as I try, I can’t hear it. And you can’t do otherwise. I can never hear what you hear.

Accept That Your Spouse Thinks And Feels As They Do

Jeff continued:

I think this has a profound impact on men and women. Our research and books help people comprehend what the other person is seeing/hearing. The problem is that I think for many of us, we secretly or subconsciously believe that with this information—or with just a bit more education or teaching—the other person will see/hear things just as we do. It is a great thing to keep learning about one another. We have to do that. But at the same time, perhaps we need to acknowledge that we may never gain the ability to truly see things just as another person does. At least in some areas.

Rather, we just have to accept and trust that they are legitimately feeling that way. And instead of continually being dissatisfied as we try to educate or convince them into thinking another way, we just have to love them.

It’s Love One Another, Not Understand One Another

Then Jeff shared:

Like with you and me. If I’m honest with myself, I am probably thinking that my way of thinking is correct, and that you just aren’t able to think as clearly or as rationally as me! It’s probably why we try so hard to explain things to another person with whom we disagree: so they will be able to see just what we are seeing—and then realize that we are right!

Maybe that is why Jesus said we were to “Love One Another” rather than “Understand One Another.”

If that is the case, then yes, we can and should try to understand one another… but we won’t always see things the same as they do. Then the only solution is to Love One Another.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Men Making a Difference

The story spread like wildfire over social media. A troubled high school in Shreveport, Louisiana had a string of fights and 23 student arrests in just three days. So a group of 40 dads decided to take action and formed a group called Dads on Duty. They showed up at Southwood High School in shifts, walking the hallways, greeting the students, encouraging kids to get to class on time, and making dad jokes. The results: no more fighting. And better yet, a feeling of safety and peace.

Here’s the question: How could the mere presence of just five or ten adults at a time so dramatically turn chaos into peace in a school with more than 1,500 students? It’s because something powerfully transformative happens when men step up. Which means they also need to be allowed to do so.

We have to change the current trends toward discouragement, and encourage men to be all they are made to be

It is so important to recognize the power men have to be a unique force for good in our families and culture. Similarly, we must not discourage men with the sense that they are not wanted and needed for who they are—and for who God made them to be.

The problem, of course, is that our cultural discourse today often sends the opposite message—and in some ways it seems to be getting worse, not better. In certain quarters of social media this year, I’ve been astounded at the level of vitriol leveled at men. If there’s a problem in a marriage, it is automatically assumed to be because of the husband. Men are seen as the privileged and the “patriarchal.” They’re the aggressors and the abusers, right? We don’t even have a vocabulary for women as either of those things, although logically we know that a critical or controlling woman can be just as abusive as a critical or controlling man.

The resulting sense is that we must stay on top of men in a way we don’t have to with women. We must reign men in. They aren’t “allowed” to have a voice about all sorts of things. We must make sure women—and society as a whole—have good boundaries with men. That we hold them accountable. Now, is it true that some men are abusive and controlling? Tragically, yes, and that must always be strongly condemned and strongly addressed. But is that most men? No. That is a world away from being true.

Most men want to make a difference

I’ve been doing interviews, focus groups and surveys with men for 18 years, for books such as For Women Only and others. And one thing is overwhelmingly clear: Although no one does it perfectly, most men are strong and caring. Powerful and wise with the use of that power. Providers outside the home and wanting to be loving and present inside the home.

Privileged? Sure—historically, especially. But being a man is not a sin. Simply having male tendencies of emotion and motivation is not wrong and should not be suspect. Now, male ways of thinking and acting are not automatically right, either. Men will do wrong things just like anyone else, but simply being a guy is not wrong. And when society (and television, movies, and social media) essentially infer that it is, how does that make all men feel? How does it make our sons feel?

Of more concern for society, how can men not want to check out when they feel they can do nothing right? When they hear they are not just privileged but broken? When they hear they should not want to handle things in a certain way, simply because it seems foreign to women? When they are told that no matter how honorably they handle the visual temptations that arise in their minds, they should not have those temptations to begin with? When they are told their anger is sinful—rather than being affirmed that anger can be a legitimate sign of emotional pain and the key is to not sin in their anger? Men were designed by God and they were designed on purpose. And one such purpose is what we see walking the halls of a high school in Louisiana. To be a voice of strength and care in a world that desperately needs it. But the way a good man will want to do that may be different from the way a good woman will want to do that. We have to start encouraging and praising the healthy, caring men around us for being who they are—rather than subtly implying that the way they are is broken.

Men can “abandon the field” or step up—and women can help

In the midst of a recent social media attack on a respected pastor by an activist Christian women’s group, I asked a few men for their thoughts. As one told me, “When I see someone criticizing a man as ‘abusive’ even though I didn’t see certain words or actions as abusive at all, I automatically want to stop trying. To abandon the field. Because if you’ll be seen that way just because you handle things differently, why would you put yourself out there? If these amazing men of faith are being so brutally attacked on social media, what hope do I have? Better to not try to be part of the church. It’s for women.”

In talking to my husband, Jeff, about this, he shared an important perspective and challenge to men who might feel the same way: “Sometimes there’s the sense that people think men are almost inherently abusive. We think, ‘This is how women feel about all of us.’ But that is not true, either. Those who imply that about men are themselves just a few bad actors. They are loud but they aren’t representative. I don’t think that is how we are truly seen. So we need to step up instead of just give up.”

That is exactly what the Dads on Duty did. That amazing group of men saw such success in their efforts that they now want to form chapters around Louisiana and hopefully throughout the country. I hope there is explosive encouragement for any man who wants to do that. And from this woman here, I’d like to thank this group of men from the bottom of my heart, for not only staying on the field but for winning the game.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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How to Not Freak Out When Talking to Your Teenager

Parents, we know being a teenager is hard. Our kids are dealing with all the stuff we went through but now there’s the added pressure of their entire life being displayed on social media, TikTok challenges (thank goodness that wasn’t around when I was younger!), and oh yeah, a GLOBAL PANDEMIC. It’s a lot.

But can I get an Amen that it’s sometimes hard to be the parent of a teenager, too?

We all have the best intentions of helping and supporting our teens as they navigate these challenging (and unprecedented!) years. We want to empower them to make good choices. To prepare them for independence. To show them how to pursue positive relationships. But sometimes we’re just stumped. We know one crucial success factor is talking with our child about all of that, but what do we do if they won’t talk to us? What if we feel like we’re walking on eggshells in every conversation out of worry that they will get defensive or dramatic?

Well, it’s ironic we think they are “overreacting,” engaging in “drama,” or “freaking out”—because that is exactly what our kids think we are doing! And one of the clearest trends in our research for For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid is that being able to talk well is usually dependent on our kids not thinking that we are going to freak out.

So what is it that kids see that way? And what can we do to instead build an environment where they want to talk to us, and accept guidance from us, for years to come?

“Freaking out” means “the display of any emotion”

Yeah. This is slightly crazy. But it has been really clear in the focus groups, interviews and nationally representative surveys with more than 3,000 teens and tweens over the years.

When a teenager is sharing a story (positive or negative), or describing something that happened, or bemoaning a challenge, they are subconsciously on high alert for what our reaction will be. And almost any sort of overt emotional reaction from parents can trigger their sense that we are “freaking out.” They can handle a polite, ultra-calm listening face. And if they are emotionally upset about something, they can handle (and actually want) empathy for their feelings (“I’m so sorry, honey”). But anything else risks being seen as an overreaction.

Now, to be clear: this doesn’t mean anything else will be seen as an overreaction, but that it could be. And if you’re seeing your teenager pull away instead of talking to you, odds are that you are triggering that “they are overreacting” thing far more than you realize.

Again, remember this sensitivity arises in part because they are the ones dealing with all sorts of crazy emotions that they don’t entirely know how to regulate. But in a way it makes sense: if they can’t yet handle their own emotions, how are they going to feel able to handle ours, too?

So how it is possible to settle our own emotions when our teen is talking to us, so we can be seen as the “calm listeners” they need?

Realize that your teen wants to share with you

Remember this good news. In our national survey for For Parents Only, 75% of teens indicated, “If I knew my parents wouldn’t freak out, I would really like to share certain things with them.” So statistically, it is highly likely that your teen is thinking the same. Anxiety has become a big mental health issue due to the pandemic and now, more than ever, our teenagers need the ability to share their hearts with us.

Using subtle cues to signal “Tell me more” will set the tone for them to open up. Listen calmly, with little visible emotion—a  smile instead of a Starbucks-jacked, “Wow, that’s exciting!”, an inquisitive eyebrow raised or a calm murmur to indicate, “Then what happened?” Or perhaps you could say, “That’s interesting,” instead of, “Oh my gosh! Then what happened?” If you feel yourself having any “bigger” reaction (whether negative or positive), try (if at all possible) to wait until you can share it very calmly.

If your teen has—fairly or unfairly—pegged you as a “non-calm” listener, you may need to commit for a long time to this new way of listening to the little things they do share (“my friend Jack is thinking of joining the Army after high school”), in order to demonstrate that they can (in their mind) trust you with the bigger things (“so am I”).

Keep the big-picture goal in mind

Sure, there will be times when you have strong reactions, and yes, you’re the parent so it may be entirely appropriate to show significant displeasure as part of discipline. But constantly keep in mind: what is my big-picture goal here? If you ultimately want your daughter or son to feel able to share their life with you, then there will be at least some cases where you decide to pull back on the emotion (not the action or the discipline), in order to not shut down lines of communication with your child.

I love Proverbs 15:1 that says, “A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.” During this season of life, a gentle reaction to your teen’s words will generally yield greater results than one filled with big emotions.

Commit to showing that you are a “safe” listener

The most amazing truth we learned from teens throughout our research is quite simple. If you make a concerted effort to listen ultra-calmly— no matter how much you might be “freaking out” on the inside— you’ll hear so much more from your teen. You’ll be showing yourself to be a “safe” listener: someone who remains cool and collected when personal details are shared.

That sense becomes important even in much younger years, but as you can imagine, the teen years are when it begins to matter most. Ultimately, you can’t make your kids share, but a calm presence will help them feel that you can be trusted.

And maybe, if you’re lucky, they might even invite you into their next TikTok video . . . but only if you don’t freak out about it.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our online resource for Shaunti’s research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

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