Roger K. Allen's Blog, page 17

Preparation: The First Step in Resolving Conflict

Conflict is inevitable. No surprise. The question is how we resolve it. The most emotionally intelligent people in any field or walk of life are good at resolving conflict. They don’t deal with it by retreating or sweeping it under the rug, nor by coming off as aggressive and imposing their will on others. They learn to draw others into give-and-take conversations in which they share their own point of view while making it safe for others to do the same. As they do so, they create a shared u...

How to Resolve Conflict So Everyone Wins

Conflict is inevitable. No surprise. The question is how we resolve it. The most emotionally intelligent people in any field or walk of life are good at resolving conflict. They don’t deal with it by retreating or sweeping it under the rug, nor by coming off as aggressive and imposing their will on others. They learn to draw others into give-and-take conversations in which they share their own point of view while making it safe for others to do the same. As they do so, they create a shared u...

Dialogue: From Competing to Collaborating

In my last article, I introduced four styles of communication.  In this article, I want to do a deeper dive into the meaning of collaboration, the alternative to the patterns of dominating, accommodating, and avoiding.

The truth is that all these styles have their place in day-to-day life. However, collaboration becomes crucial as the topic of our communication becomes more sensitive, as emotions are aroused, as the stakes become higher, and/or as conflict is either simmering or escalating.

In fact, I’ll go so far as to say...

How Do You Handle Conflict?

What do you do when… You’re not able to sleep due to a neighbor’s late-night music or barking dog? Your boss wants you to work overtime this weekend when you’ve planned a big outing with your family? You and your partner have totally different opinions when it comes to a major life decision?

This is just a small sampling of the kinds of conflict we face on a pretty regular basis. Notice a few characteristics of these situations: our emotions are aroused, the stakes are high, the outcome is uncertain, and opinions vary.

Mo...

When Life Doesn’t Go As You’d Hoped

I recently read a short essay by Emily Perl Kingsley about her experience of raising a child with Down syndrome. Although the essay is widely shared among parents of special needs children, the message is for all of us.  It’s about having your expectations turned upside down.

Welcome to Holland

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo. David. The gondo...

Willpower is Not Enough

Have you noticed that you want to make a change in your life but find it so difficult? Maybe you want to lose weight, cut back on sugar, exercise more, stop smoking, start doing yoga, get to bed earlier, stop yelling at your kids, keep a cleaner house, whatever.

You’ve struggled with it for months or even years, maybe even starting and stopping, feeling bad about it, then starting and stopping again. In spite of your best intentions, you can’t seem to stick with it. You get busy, or stressed...

The Empowerment Model

In this article, I want to introduce you to “The Empowerment Model.” The model is a form of cognitive behavior therapy, a powerful method of treating problems like anxiety, depression and PTSD. Originally developed by psychologists like Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis, the model can be used not only to deal with challenges but to put yourself into a positive mindset to enjoy life and accomplish your goals and dreams.

So, here’s the model. I’ll explain each of the elements below.

The model build...

It is Easier to Put Slippers on Your Own Feet Than Carpet the Whole World

You talkin’ to me?

There are two types of problems– “out there” and “in here.” By “out there” I’m talking about events and circumstances. Your neighbor’s dog does its business in front of your house every morning. Your mother-in-law criticizes how you’re raising your kids. A co-worker doesn’t do his/her fair share.

By “in here” I’m talking about your inner experience, particularly how you feel about whatever is happening “out there” —your frustration, hurt, anxiety, etc. In fact, there would...

Accepting What Is: The Key to Personal Empowerment

One step in the process of self-empowerment is embracing reality or accepting what is. This statement seems counter-intuitive. It seems like if you’re going to make things happen and live your dreams then you can’t be content or accept the way things are, but work or fight to make them different. Paradoxically, however, it begins with accepting what is or surrendering to things as they are.

The Nature of Reality

Think of it like this. Reality forms the context of your life. It is the game-bo...

Claiming Your Power to Live a Happy and Abundant Life

Hi my friend,

As I’ve let you know in recent blog posts, I’m now launching my new video course entitled, “Claiming Your Power to Live a Happy and Abundant Life!”

As a thank you to my email subscribers, I’m offering the course to you for a limited time for just $9.99 (full price $194). Click here to enroll.

The course is based on three truths:

First is that you want to be happy. You don’t wake up in the morning thinking, “My goal, today, is to see how miserable I can be.” Your desire to be ha...