Roger K. Allen's Blog, page 13

Being Real

Being real means being who you are rather than trying to be who you are not for the sake of pleasing someone else. It is being comfortable enough in your own skin that you don’t have to play games, pretend, manage an image, etc. You can be you, warts and all.

One aspect of reality is that “I am who I am.” (I think Popeye the Sailor Man first coined a similar phrase.) I’m 5’9, weigh 155 lbs and am going bald. I would have loved to be 6’5, weighed 210 and played quarterback in the NFL. That’s not...

Guidelines to Establish (or Reestablish) a Positive Connection in Your Marriage

In my last article, I talked about four toxic patterns that diminish our feelings of safety, security and love within our relationships. And because we are human, we will sometimes fall into these patterns. But the good news is that we can recover and rebuild feelings of safety and love. My purpose in this article is to offer eight guidelines for interrupting harmful interactions and establishing or reestablishing a positive connection in your marriage (or any close relationship).

Clarify you...

Toxic Relationship Patterns that Kill Love

In a recent blog post I introduced the five stage of marital satisfaction: enchantment, disillusionment, obligation, friendship and mature love. In this post I want to talk about four toxic relationship patterns that prevent you from moving forward from disillusionment or obligation to friendship and love.

These four patterns come from marriage research at the University of Denver. In one study, the researchers followed 150 couples for 13 years, before marriage and after, gathering massive amou...

Happiness in Marriage-Announcing New Online Course-Best Price Ever

Happiness in Marriage

Did you know that over 96% of all people will marry or come together as a couple during their lifetimes?

The fact is, we don’t like being alone. We want to find a partner and settle into a life with someone with whom we can share our life experiences.

Furthermore, according to experts in positive psychology, nothing impacts your overall happiness more than a satisfying relationship with your life partner.

This is why I’m launching my new online video program on how to have...

Happiness in Marriage-Announcing New Online Course

Happiness in Marriage

Did you know that over 96% of all people will marry or come together as a couple during their lifetimes?

The fact is, we don’t like being alone. We want to find a partner and settle into a life with someone with whom we can share our life experiences.

Furthermore, according to experts in positive psychology, nothing impacts your overall happiness more than a satisfying relationship with your life partner.

This is why I’m launching my new online video program on how to have...

Five Stages of Marital Satisfaction

I’ve observed that intimate relationships often grow through five stages. I call them the five stages of marital (or couple) satisfaction. I want to offer them to you to understand the milestones in your progress towards building a happy and thriving marriage. I’m also interested in your thoughts. Do you agree? How do they fit with your experience?

First, let me say that relationships change over time. Some of these changes are externally driven by life pressures and transitions—the birth of a ...

Playing the Victim in My Marriage

In my last blog post, I talked about how we are responsible for our own happiness in marriage. This is not something we can sluff off on our spouses. That doesn’t mean I always walk my talk. In this article, I want to share a story about playing the victim in my marriage. Hopefully, it has some good lessons for you as well as me.

This story begins during a scout backpacking trip many years ago. Four adults and about 15 boys met at a park at 4:30 a.m. Before long we were on the road towards the ...

You Better Take Good Care of Yourself to Have a Happy Marriage

A belief of mine is that you have to take good care of yourself to have a healthy and happy relationship. Taking good care of yourself is your job and not something you can sluff onto your partner.

Of course, the beginning of a relationship feels so different. I was just scanning face book yesterday and came upon a post from a young friend in India who just got engaged. He’s over the top with excitement, writing about the wonderful person he’s going to marry. He said she completes him. Then he ...

Undoing Some Myths of Marriage

One reason that many marriages flounder or fail is that we enter into them with unrealistic expectations. There are many myths of marriage out there that are not realistic and don’t serve you. Unfortunately, they set you up to be disillusioned and discouraged with your marriage. I believe you’ll be a lot more successful building a loving relationship if your expectations are honest and realistic. So, here are some beliefs about marriage that I think will actually free you to have a happier marr...

Taking Offense in Marriage (and other relationships)

Taking offense is being hurt, upset or angry by something your spouse (or anyone else) says or does. Always at the heart of taking offense is feeling treated unfairly. Your partner has been insensitive, inconsiderate, dismissing, condescending or disparaging in some way. What you’re hearing or how you’re being treated doesn’t fit with how you want to be viewed, so you’re likely to react in a harmful way by either withdrawing and shutting down or defending and going on the attack.

By reacting in...