Roger K. Allen's Blog, page 12

Do Your Turn Towards, Away, or Against Your Partner/Others

Do you turn towards, away, or against your loved ones?

In the past, I’ve talked about the Gottman labs where couples come and stay for a weekend. Marriage researchers record all of their interactions and then play them back for them and coach them in how to improve their marriages.  Well, you would think that these researchers would get a lot of boring communication. But on the contrary, they have found profound meaning in simple, everyday communication.

For example, a husband may bring up an ar...

Strengthen Your Relationship by Nurturing Admiration

In recent weeks I’ve been talking about ways to develop friendship so that positive feelings override the inevitable ups and downs of your marital relationship. In this article I want to move on to another strategy—that of strengthening your relationship by nurturing admiration. The reason this is so important is that a happy marriage is based on a fundamentally positive view of your spouse. Those couples who view each other in positive ways can weather hard times and still come out on top.

For...

Getting to Know Your Partner Deeply

As I pointed out in my last article, one of the characteristics of successful and satisfying relationships is “positive sentiment override.” This means that you have built up enough positive feelings (friendship) towards each other that you’re able to withstand the inevitable disappointments, conflicts, and just plain hard times in your marriage. One way to do this is by getting to know your partner deeply.

It sounds so simple. In fact, most partners would say that they know each other well. Bu...

Friendship in Marriage

Happy vs. Unhappy Couples

The purpose of this article is to talk about friendship in marriage. But first, I need to tell you about the research of John Gottman at the University of Washington in Seattle. Gottman may be the most respected researcher on marriage in the world. For four decades now, John and his wife Julie have studied thousands of couples to understand the communication and behavior patterns of happy vs. unhappy couples.

The way it works is that couples are invited into an apartme...

I-It vs. I-Thou: Do You See Your Spouse as a Person or Object?

Two Ways of Being

A philosopher by the name of Martin Buber said that we can come from one of two orientations or ways of being in our relationships with others. He called them I-It vs. I-Thou. Whichever orientation we adopt has huge implications in marriage as well as any and all of our relationships. In this article, I want to help you understand the distinction between these orientations so you make a conscious choice about how you want to relate.

An I-It orientation means that we unconsciou...

The Gift of Acceptance

I’ve talked a lot about self-responsibility. In truth, it’s hard to show up in a loving way for another person if you don’t take responsibility for yourself. Otherwise, you’ll be passive and dependent or blaming and controlling, in either case believing that your wellbeing is up to someone else more than you. This mindset will cause you to be a poor partner. Your marriage deserves someone who can take responsibility for him or herself.

But I want to say a few words about another important habit...

Differences Between Men and Women

In this article, I talk about differences between men and women. The purpose is to help you develop more understanding and even appreciation of your partner. So much conflict and alienation couples experience comes from misunderstanding our partner’s intent. Much of this can be reduced as we recognize gender differences.

Although there are so many ways in which women and men are alike, in terms of our fundamental needs and feelings, there are also ways in which we are, by nature, different. Our...

The Relationship in Your Head

In a recent blog post, I talked about the differences between owning versus disowning responsibility for yourself in your relationship with your partner. I shared a story in which I made myself a victim of Judy until I stopped to think about it and was able to alter my reaction. I went from feeling like a victim to being accountable for what was happening.

A Relationship is not a “Thing”

Now I want to introduce another way of understanding your relationship. We too often talk about a relationsh...

Take Personal Responsibility to Build a Happy Marriage

The phrase personal responsibility has a lot of meanings so let me be clear about what I’m talking about. It means that you take ownership of your life. You’re not a passenger but in the driver’s seat of your life. Life does not simply happen to you. Rather, you shape your life by your ability to make choices about how to think, feel, and what to do in each circumstance of your life. By recognizing your responsibility, you accept that you’re the creator of your life, not only your fate but even ...

Personal Responsibility in Marriage

The phrase personal responsibility has a lot of meanings so let me be clear about what I’m talking about. It means that you take ownership of your life. You’re not a passenger but in the driver’s seat of your life. Life does not simply happen to you. Rather, you shape your life by your ability to make choices about how to think, feel, and what to do in each circumstance of your life. By recognizing your responsibility, you accept that you’re the creator of your life, not only your fate but even ...