Roger K. Allen's Blog, page 14

A Talk with Your Future Self

Hurray for 2021! Most people are so happy to put 2020 in the rear view mirror.

And yet, what’s going to make 2021 better? If you’re like me, you’re hoping circumstances will be different–that the vaccine will help us get a handle on the pandemic, that kids will be back in school, that unemployment will decline, that public venues will open up, that the economy will ramp up again, that the political climate will be less tense, and so on.

Maybe all of this will happen. I’m hopeful much of it will...

Resolving Conflict in Marriage–A Case Study

In a previous article, I introduced a four-phase process for resolving conflict in marriage and other relationships. Here is a quick review of those phases. The first phase is preparation in which you put yourself in the mental state to step up to conflict in a helpful way. Phase two is invitation in which you lay the ground work and make it safe for another person to enter into dialogue with you. The third phase is exploration in which you build a pool of shared understanding by getting all po...

The Greatest Gift You Can Offer Your Loved Ones During This Holiday Season

 

We are quickly moving into “the most wonderful time of the year.” And yet, I dare say that many of us are feeling angst and trepidation as the holidays approach.

For some, it’s the sorrow of being alone and separated from family members and friends due to the covid pandemic. Whether due to government mandates or personal choice, many will not be gathering in person as they have most holidays.

For many, it’s the anxiety and stress associated with all the disruptions that we have experienced du...

How to Support Someone Who is Grieving

In my last post, I talked about the “how” of listening and gave you a set of seven guidelines to become a better listener. Now I want to point to a special case of listening. How do you support someone who is grieving? What do you say or do when someone is going through grief or sorrow?

These are awkward moments for lots of people. We naturally want to support or even help ease the pain of someone going through grief and so we tend to say and do things that are not helpful. In this article I wa...

How to Improve Listening Skills

If you’ve been with me the last several weeks, you know I’m writing about the importance and power of listening. Now I want to talk about how to improve listening skills.

I use the word “skill” because listening is something we can practice and develop. But, truthfully, I’m not sure “skill” is the best word because it sounds like a mechanical process.  It’s really a set of principles or guidelines to enable you to accurately hear the message of another and to create safe and trusting conditions...

Poor Listening Skills

I’ve been posting a lot about listening recently. This is because I believe your success, in any role, depends so much on your ability to listen. There is not a communication skill more important to building good relationships and solving problems than learning how to actively listen and really hear what others are saying. And yet most people use poor listening skills. The consequence is they limit the quality of their relationships and well as their ability to influence others.

So, in this art...

Handling Fear

I remember walking home from school one afternoon aware of a looming confrontation between the United States and Soviet Union over the placement of nuclear missiles on the Island of Cuba. President John Kennedy and inner circle had pondered America’s response to the Soviet’s intent and decided to meet the challenge with a military blockade in the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Cuba.

Why do I remember this particular experience as a ten-year-old boy? Because of how I felt. To this day, I rememb...

The Science Behind Listening in the Home

Active listening serves many purposes. It is how we connect and enjoy others. It is a means to share information for making decisions and solving problems. It’s how we build unity and trust and strengthen our relationships. It’s a way of increasing motivation and personal empowerment. It’s also a way to promote deeper personal growth. In this article, I want to talk about what we can learn from science about listening at home.

Key to Emotional Self-Regulation

Science on the family informs us th...

Overcome Resistance Through Listening

Resistance is common, whether at home or work. You propose an idea and someone pushes back. It’s a good idea, even in their best self-interest and yet they resist. It’s easy to get frustrated and end up entangled in a power struggle that demoralizes everyone and harms the relationship. So, what do you do?

Here’s an example from a work setting, although the principle applies just as well in our personal relationships. See what you can learn about how this supervisor overcomes resistance.

Round O...

The Power of Listening at Work

In a past article, I suggested that listening is at the heart of all healthy relationships, whether at home or on the job. In this article, I want to illustrate the power of listening at work.

Here’s a story for you.

From excitement to endurance

Mitchell worked for a large manufacturing company for 18 years. At first, he’d been excited and eager to share his ideas about how to improve his team’s work processes with his supervisor. But over time, Mitchell lost his enthusiasm as he realized that ...