Clayton Lessor's Blog, page 7

Raising Sons? Character Building Blocks

 

If you followed my series of “steps” to follow when dealing with an adolescent son who is in trouble you learned step by step what to do.  What is sometimes missed is that The Quest Project® isn’t just for troubled or at-risk boys.  

Helping Build Character With Every Boy

The Quest Project is designed to help ALL ADOLESCENT BOYS!  The program teaches every boy how to become a healthy young man by providing direction.  It also teaches character building; here are some examples:   

Humility-by understanding his unique gifts.
Compassion-by healing his own wound.
Contentment-by establishing his values.
Grit, determination & diligence-by setting his goals.
Self-discipline & impulse control-by understanding and safely dealing with anger.
Courage & honesty-by having these in the “tool box.”
Dependability-by goal setting and mission.
Leading & following-by learning conflict resolution.
Proactive-by creating his purpose=mission.
Serenity– by learning forgiveness.
Patience-by understanding his anger shadow.
Kindness to self and others-by building a safe container.
There’s integrity, gratitude, adaptability, sense of curiosity & wonder, optimism & positivity, endurance, respect, and hope. 

All things that are needed to become a healthy man; The Quest Project® covers them all!

To be a participant in The Quest Project group, he doesn’t need to be in trouble!  Maybe he is lacking motivation and/or direction.  Maybe you simply wish he had a “coach” to help him through his teens.  I’m that guy!  I can help!  My mission is “to create healthy lifestyles by teaching, facilitating, writing, research and example.”

What Parent’s Say

I could share hundreds of parent testimonials; I think this one sums it up best.

“I would highly recommend Clayton’s program to any young man/parent who may be struggling to find their way.”-Parent

I remember this young man and his parents well; he didn’t come to me because he was “in trouble” he just needed direction.  I have parents tell me every day that “they wish they had heard of me sooner or knew that such a program existed!”

Work to Be Done

There are millions of adolescent boys, according to the census, aged 11-19 in the United States.  They all need to go through a modern-day rite-of-passage to satisfy the innate feelings they are experiencing.  To learn fundamental life lessons and the building blocks of character. They need The Quest Project!

 

Author informationClayton Lessor

Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.

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How to Manage Your Teen’s Rebellion, According to the Pros

Happy to be featured in a recent Thriveworks article!

It’s no secret that the teenage years are often characterized by rebellion—there is, however, an ongoing argument about how parents should properly handle this phase. Should they step in or back off? Do they need to crack down on the rules or prove their trust? What’s the most effective approach? The answer to these questions vary from person to person, but the pros are here to say their piece on the matter. Here are four effective ways to manage your teen’s rebellion, whilst maintaining a healthy relationship with them, according to therapists, counselors and coaches alike:
 






1) Educate yourself on stages of adolescent development.

“Early adolescents (ages 12-14), middle adolescents (ages 15-17), and late adolescents (ages 18-20) all have different needs from their caregivers based on where they are at developmentally,” explains Sandi Lindgren, clinical social worker, therapist, and professional life coach. “Developmental differences include: physical, social/emotional, cognitive/thinking/learning, and morals/values. However, there are some common needs: a safe place to live, plenty of sleep, and parents or guardians who love them regardless of their behavior.” Lindgren goes on to offer a few additional tips for managing rebellious teens: “limit screen time for younger teens; show interest in them, their ideas, opinions, dreams; engage teens in conversations about choices, relationships, and future plans; and provide opportunities for them to explore their own point of view through conversation without judgment.”

2) Know that ‘one size does not fit all.’

Teen therapist Jaynay Johnson says that it’s important to remember one size does not fit all when it comes to disciplining teens. “Since every family and teen is different, different interventions can be applied for optimal results. For some teens, they need structure to thrive. Other teens may need more freedom to exercise their ability to show responsibility.” Additionally, she says that the following three tips are helpful in raising your teens: “1. Consider what your parents did that you liked or didn’t like when raising you and adjust accordingly; 2. Ask your teenager what they need from you. Again, all teens are not made equally, not even equal to you. Just because that method may be helpful to you, it may not be for your teen; and 3. Get positive reinforcement. In the event that you are struggling with your teen, try connecting them with a mentoring program, teen group, or therapist. This will also teach them the benefit of seeking outside support when it is needed.”

3) Employ natural consequences.

According to Dr. Clayton Lessor, Licensed Professional Counselor, “the best way to deal with teenage rebellion is (employing) natural consequences. If natural consequences are established, it eliminates the parent or guardian from having to ‘step in’ or ‘crack down,’ Employing natural consequences puts the choice in the teen’s hands!” Dr. Clayton explains the notion of natural consequences in greater detail: “Natural consequences are when something automatically happens because of something else happening (like a sunburn when you choose not to wear sunscreen). Start by sitting down with your teen and lay down the rules of the house. Tell them, ‘these are the rules. If you follow these rules, you get to do what you want, within reason.’ This puts them in control of outcomes. They’ll reach a point where they’re tempted to step the wrong way and suddenly remember, ‘oops, I should have made a right instead of a left, now I have consequences for that.’”

4) Understand that teens make mistakes.

Former teacher and school counselor and current ADHD coach, Brendan Mahan, says that it’s important you remember that kids are bound to make mistakes. Instead of holding them to unrealistic expectations, you should focus on helping them make better decisions: “Teens are supposed to push for more independence. That’s where they’re headed, after all. The tighter you hold the leash, the less comfortable and capable they’ll be when they’re inevitably on their own. In teenage years, you want to steer them toward healthy choices and away from unhealthy ones. But understand that they’re going to make a bad call every now and then. When they do, manage it with trust, empathy, and problem-solving so that they have the skills needed to make a better choice next time.”

 

Author informationClayton Lessor

Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.

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“Saving Our Sons for Dads”-Update

What’s better than “Saving Our Sons-A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success?”  It’s writing my second book “Saving Our Sons for Dads-A Fathers Guide to Raising Good Men!” 

It was exactly 2 years ago I was finalizing the first SOS.  I knew back then that it was extremely important that I get to work on the second SOS.  Now here it is almost 2018 and I am happy to say we are on track to launch “Saving Our Sons for Dads” early next year. 

“Saving Our Sons for Dads”

I am excited knowing that soon the book will be available to help dads out there struggling to find their place with their son.  My hope and my intent are that it helps families, especially dad, understand and connect/reconnect with their adolescent son.

I believe once there is a better understanding, our sons will have the ability to mature into the men they’re meant to be.

Before the Industrial Revolution when fathers and sons worked the fields together, or dad took his son with him to the family owned shop, a son would learn exactly what it meant to be a man. Because he was surrounded by men.  Fast forward to today and it’s hard to find that relationship between father and son.  Fathers have abandoned their role with their son, some intentional and many more unintentional.

My new book addresses what men have forgotten; for an adolescent boy his father is the most important person in his life.  He needs the teaching of a healthy male. 

Immediate Help and Hope

Just like the first SOS, the second SOS will also provide immediate help and hope to the reader.  It is packed with all the information I teach in The Quest Project® as well as what I’ve learned in my years of research.  I know what it takes to heal the wound boys and their fathers carry.  My mission is to see adolescent boys get what they need.  I believe “Saving Our Sons for Dads” can change, repair and improve a father-son relationship.

Stay Tuned

Look for more updates and even a sneak peek as we get closer.  Remember to check out my Facebook and Twitter pages for updates too.  Thank you for your continued support!

 

Author informationClayton Lessor

Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.

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Core Value-Honesty

You’ve heard the proverb by Benjamin Franklin, “honesty is the best policy” many times I’m sure.  This is a reminder, that means to be honest with your kids too!

Better Off Not Knowing

I think parents convince themselves (at times) that not being completely honest with their children is a way to protect them.  In some cases, I can understand but overall being honest is “the best policy,” and always age appropriate.

Obviously when you’re dealing with your kids it’s important the truth is delivered in an age appropriate style and manor.  When parents make the decision to withhold a truth because they “think” its best, it can and does (most of the time) come back to haunt them.

Justifying a Lie

Why do I say that?  Because I see many adolescent boys who have either started lying or simply not told their parent(s) the truth about specific issues.  The reason is they can justify it when they know their parent(s) has lied or not told them the truth.  Make sense?

Here’s an example:

You’re a divorced mom of a thirteen-year-old child.  You decide that it’s best not to tell him that his father died of an overdose when he was just a small child.  He’s growing up and asking more questions as he gets older.  You decided long ago it would be best not to tell him the truth.  Now that he’s older you’ve decided maybe it’s time to tell him the truth.  The result, in your effort to shield him, you’ve just taught him it’s okay to not be honest.  He quickly figures out that he too doesn’t need to be honest.  One of his core values has been compromised.

Though your intent was good, the decision to not be honest sends the wrong message.  It teaches that lying is okay; you are telling them they are not strong enough to handle pain and you are the “gate-keeper” of their feelings! 

Grieving (in this case) is an important process that we humans go through for many different types of losses.  Understand, grieving is a very important function of life; by learning healthy ways of processing it we become stronger, therefore our children do too. 

Caution:  Avoid the beginning of, or onset of self- medicating loss! And remember the pain caused becomes proportionate to the time that passes. 

You Set the Example

So now your heart is broken.   He hasn’t been honest, he didn’t tell you he got in trouble at school, or that he is failing a class.  Maybe he broke the window in the basement or garage.  Crucial information you need to know; but he now thinks being honest is a choice.

I have facilitated numerous adolescent boys and parents on this very subject.  I have counseled adults that deal with the pain of not knowing how to be honest and truthful because they were never taught. 

The #1-way children learn is by example!

Behavior always trumps words when it comes to being honest and truthful.  The cliché is “do as I say, not as I do” and should be replaced with “do as I do and say!”  The truth can hurt sometimes, but less than a lie every time.

 

 

 

Author informationClayton Lessor

Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.

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Adolescent Son In Trouble? Final Step

Over the past 3 weeks I’ve laid out the steps to take if you suspect trouble with your adolescent son.  Unfortunately, when the first three steps (boundaries & limits, counseling and intensive outpatient) have failed it’s time to move to the final step. 

The Final Step=Intensive Inpatient

If you’ve reached this step with your adolescent son it’s now a matter of safety for you, your family and your son.  This is the most drastic yet necessary step if behavior is out of control.

Intensive inpatient programs are designed to stabilize, regulate and bring out-of-control situations under control.  Here are some examples.

Running away for days at a time
Cutting or self-destructive behavior
Excessive drinking
Addicted to drugs
Stealing money to support habit
Family fears for its safety
Suicidal ideation or attempts
Bizarre behavior

Many of these examples were covered last week; the difference is nothing is changing, and in fact are getting worse.  This is a very hard step for parents to take.  The idea of admitting their child to a rehabilitation center is inconceivable.  I get it, however if you’re reading this and can identify behaviors that are happening with your son, it’s time to face the hard facts.  You’re responsible for his safety.

I’ve seen many tears fall over the years as parents made the tough decision to seek out inpatient programs.  I’ve also seen some of those same parents full of joy and happiness after their son received intensive therapy and stabilized.   Keep in mind, your son is not rational if he’s reached this step.  He needs more help than what you can provide.  Likely he doesn’t want help, but you know his life may depend on it.

My advice is this.  If you’re experiencing any of these examples with your son get him to the emergency room and get the process started; get him stabilized (that’s key).  After stabilization is achieved, immediately work the above steps by moving down the ladder!  It is very important that once stabilized and regulated don’t stop, there is still hard work to be done. 

Residential programs may also be necessary and/or recommended for your son in this final step.  Residential programs include living and attending school at the facility.  These can include military or boarding schools which are an extended stay environment.  Again, I stress making the right decision for your son and family, with the ultimate goal being to do what it takes to keep everyone safe.

This last step is certainly the toughest one.  It’s the most difficult to address, and there isn’t an easy way.  Think of this final step as a marathon not a race.  Don’t forget to breathe and take care of yourself too.  Seek counseling when you need support and take a break when you need it!

 

Author informationClayton Lessor

Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.

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Adolescent Son In Trouble? Step Three

Last week in Step #2 I gave some examples of when to seek counseling if you suspect your adolescent son is in trouble.  You have tried setting boundaries & limits with him from Step #1, and you’ve enlisted the help of a licensed professional counselor; it didn’t work either. 

Now it’s time for Step #3.

Step #3=Intensive Outpatient

If you find yourself at wit’s end, nothing has worked, it’s time to get your son in an intensive outpatient program.  It isn’t as scary as it sounds, and more importantly if you want to save your son from continuing down the wrong path, this step is crucial.

When I began promoting The Quest Project® I was warned using the description “intensive outpatient (which is what it is)” may make a parent nervous.  You know how I responded to that?  GOOD!  If your son is out of control and displaying dangerous behavior, you should be nervous and get him in a program that can address it.

Some examples of unacceptable behavior are these. 

Yelling, screaming and slamming doors. 
Failing grades and lack of interest in school.
Drinking alcohol.
Smoking pot.
Parents and siblings are afraid.
Isolated from family.
Addictive behavior (technology, pornography etc.).
Self-destructive behavior i.e., cutting, suicidal ideation.

In intensive outpatient programs counselors are trained and familiar with these behaviors.  The program should be a wake-up call to the adolescent boy and provide him an action plan to get his life under control.  Intensive outpatient programs are usually in a group setting for maximum effect.  Group therapy is the most powerful form of change therapy!

Look for a program that teaches responsibility, accountability and personal integrity.  It should include discovering and healing old wounds that are causing pain.  Coping and communication skills.  Healthy lifestyle choices and anger management just to name a few.

If The Quest Project (my first choice!)  is not an option for you, do the research to find a program in your area that specializes in working primarily with adolescent boys.  Next make sure they offer group therapy that addresses the behaviors mentioned above, in other words, not just focused on “stabilization.”

This is a crucial time and must be addressed quickly, don’t wait and hope it’ll get better on its own.  Don’t put it off because you’re too busy or it interferes with other plans.  This third step is the difference in your son becoming a healthy young man, or living in your basement smoking pot and playing video games when he’s 26 years old with no motivation or direction.  Or worse, he’s incarcerated for making bad choices. 

You decide.

Next week, the final step, when Steps 1, 2 and 3 have not worked.

 

Author informationClayton Lessor

Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.

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Adolescent Son In Trouble? Step Two

Last week in Step #1 we covered the importance of setting healthy boundaries & limits in conjunction with natural consequences.  Many times, parents can avoid trouble with their adolescent son by starting there.

When that doesn’t work, move to Step #2:

Step #2=Seek Counseling

Many boys don’t know how to deal with the pain that comes with adolescence; they don’t think it’s a big deal to party or rebel against the rules.  If you suspect your adolescent son is experimenting with drugs and/or alcohol for relief, it’s time to seek counseling.  A counselor can assess if a more extensive treatment program is necessary.

Isolating himself is another sign that he’s in trouble.  Depression can ensue very quickly and is much easier to deal with when identified early.  I recommend a support group and exposure to healthy, mature and responsible men.  There are many organizations he can get involved in.  Some examples are church groups, sports, volunteering in the community etc.  It’s time to seek counseling when he disregards or refuses to interact with people.    

During adolescence things are changing for him, and he’s no longer a little boy.  He’s going to “test you” and push boundaries & limits, seek counseling if it’s persistent and disruptive to your family.  He may need the expertise of a professional to get him to open up about the root of his pain.  

If he appears to have no sense of direction.  He “doesn’t think you understand or know what he’s going through.”  Every adolescent boy is unique; many times a parent has a different idea or path that they feel is right for their son.  It’s very important to honor his “unique self” and allow him to be himself!  If he refuses to communicate and lacks motivation-seek counseling.

These situations can be dealt with most of the time by getting a licensed professional counselor involved.  Look for someone that has expertise in working with adolescent males.  Typically, a male counselor is a better choice for adolescent boys; they have an easier time talking with another male.  It eliminates the embarrassment they can sometimes experience when talking with females. 

Finally, if you don’t connect well, or get action from the licensed professional counselor you’ve selected, find another!

I advocate for the power and dynamics of family first.  Many times with the coaching and involvement of a counselor the family unit can heal.  Medication, in my opinion, is a last resort.

Next week I’ll cover Step #3.  If after setting boundaries & limits didn’t work and enlisting the help of a counselor has also failed we’ll go over the next step.

 

 
Author informationClayton Lessor

Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.

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Adolescent Son In Trouble? Step One

I’ve blogged about “signs your adolescent son could be in trouble.”  Over the next few weeks I’ll dig into the steps and stages of escalation with a goal of you, the parent, nipping it in the bud!

Step #1=Boundaries & Limits

This is the first step that must be implemented in your adolescent son’s life.  His most important need other than food, water, clothing and shelter falls in this first step.

As a parent we tend to want to make it comfortable and easy for our children.  We “want them to have it better than we did!”  The reality is all those boundaries and limits our parents put on us were a good thing.

Let’s look at some examples: 

A single parent mom raising a 13-14-year old son is doing the best she can and loves her son very much.  She feels bad that his father doesn’t have much time for him.  He (dad) is in the habit of stopping by when he can to pay a visit.  Mom changes her schedule, making sure to accommodate because more than anything she wants the two of them to have a relationship.  For the son, this is chaos.  He didn’t know about dad’s visit, he’s angry that his plans are now disrupted!  He acts out and Mom and Dad worry their son is in trouble!

Solution:  Dad schedules his time with his son.  He sets that up just like he would other important meetings in his life.  Mom sets boundaries and limits with dad by requiring a few days’ notice so that his visit can be planned.  It eliminates the chaos and gives the son something to look forward to and plan on.  It defuses the situation. It’s a perfect example of healthy boundaries & limits!  

Parents raising their young son to best of their ability.  They ask him on a regular basis how he’s doing at school and he says “fine.”  The parents trust their son and believe school is fine.  A letter from the school arrives and they discover their son isn’t turning in homework.  Mom and Dad are furious; they thought everything was “fine.”  They’re angry and disappointed.  Mom and Dad believe their son is in trouble!

Solution:  Parents schedule a set time every day, Sunday-Thursday for homework at the kitchen table.  It’s non-negotiable and enforced.  It gives a clear message of what is expected.  Even if you determine he doesn’t have homework, there are always projects or reading he can work on.  The result is he has structure and “a plan” which he needs.   It provides him an opportunity to succeed and is a habit that helps him do homework. 

And remember, whether we agree with it or not, all schools at every grade level are giving homework!

Most families that include kids struggle with this. Limiting the video games and texting with friends instead of doing chores.  Parent’s repeatedly say, “I’ve tried everything, I don’t know what else to do, he just won’t listen.”  They’re tired of the argument so they “give in” and nothing changes.

Solution:  Having chores teaches responsibility so don’t “give in.”  Establish natural consequences!  If he doesn’t follow the rules you have established, then his choice leads to a natural consequence you have determined in advance.  It also means you have talked about it (“son if you don’t do this, you’re choosing not to get what you want”) being very clear; in order to get the “thing” he wants it’s after he does, or doesn’t do what you’ve asked.  Those are your boundaries & limits.

When this doesn’t work, move to Step #2 and seek counseling; I’ll talk more about that next week.

Author informationClayton Lessor

Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.

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Domestic Violence and Abuse

Every year in October there is a focus on domestic violence.  I listen to stories of survival, most of the time women with children, and their horrific experiences.  I wonder why we only hear about these stories in October?

Frightened Little Boy

I grew up in the “South City,” if you’re from St. Louis you know exactly where that is.  If you’re not from St. Louis, the South City is a suburban neighborhood near the famous Anheuser Bush Brewery, everybody knows that name!  Other than the brewery there wasn’t anything special about my neighborhood, in fact, most of my memories are of a frightened little boy who grew up working hard to forgive my parents for the abuse that was in my home year-round.

My mom was a hairdresser and my dad, who was a Marine, he worked at the GM plant and eventually retired from Monsanto.  Dad was an alcoholic and extremely abusive to his family.

My first memory was at four years old.  I remember covering my head with my pillow trying to drown out the sound of dad hitting my mom.  The next morning mom had two black eyes and a bloody lip.  She would gather up my sister and me and take us to our grandparent’s house where we would stay for a couple of days, maybe a week and then we’d return home.  This cycle would repeat itself for years.

You see my mom, not unlike many abused women, wanted to make her marriage work.  My dad would apologize and promise it would not happen again, and she would believe him.  The reality was, he not only continued to abuse her, he began abusing me too.

Not My Choice

I spent most of my youth walking on egg shells.  I was just a little boy, yet I was tasked with keeping my brother and sister safe.  My grandparents would constantly remind me to “take care of your brother and sister and be a good boy.”  I got really good at assessing my surroundings and making sure not to do anything that might provoke my father to anger because if he got mad we all got beat.

Needless to say my childhood, in that quiet suburban South City neighborhood was anything but quiet behind closed doors.  I lived in fear of my dad.  My time at school was spent tired and scared because I’d been awake most of the night before.  I made myself sick with worry we might go back there when mom picked us up.  Many times I wished that someone (a teacher, neighbor, pastor, family member) would notice or help, but no one did so I had to learn to handle my circumstances to survive.

Make A Different Life

If you are living with abuse I implore you to make a different choice for yourself and your children.  There are many resources today for women to help transition out of an abusive home, use them-make the call!  If not for yourself, for the sake and wellbeing of your children.  I know, I’ve been there.

Author informationClayton Lessor

Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.

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Parenting Advice-On Divorce

Are you divorced or going through a divorce?  If children are involved be careful not to put them in the middle.  I’m certain you’ve heard that before! Based on my experience the kids wind up in the middle most every time.  It’s a sad place for them to be.

PAS

Parent alienation syndrome, or PAS is a “campaign of denigration” with no justification against one parent by the other using the child.  The alienating parent indoctrinates the child with untrue and unjustified criticism and complaints against the other parent.  In many cases this continues for years!

PAS typically rears its ugly head during a divorce.  If it’s a bitter divorce, and most of the time they are, one parent may attempt to turn the child/children against the other parent.  Unfortunately, the parent feels justified; most of the time it’s a way to “get back” at the other parent. 

The collateral damage?  You guessed it, the child.

Placing Blame

You’ve heard it a million times, when there is a divorce and children are involved, the children suffer most.  That is true and especially when one of the parents works diligently to convince the kids the “other parent” is to blame.

If you follow me you know that my work is with boys in The Quest Project®.  Periodically I see a mom trying hard to keep her son(s) from his dad and/or from being “like” his dad. 

Before you send me hate mail, I also see mom’s that work very hard to make sure the relationship between father and son stays intact, so please don’t take offense you’re doing the right thing – I’m not talking to you!  I see dads do this too, however in my experience it is not as often.

Important note:   In the case where it’s determined dad or mom is not safe, then legal needs to intervene mandating supervised visits and/or parenting classes.  Or, when the justification is that mom and/or dad has a character flaw that you’re concerned about, it may be appropriate to feel this way but inappropriate to make it “black and white!”   Time to seek counseling.

Fathers and Sons

Moms frequently tell me they “don’t want their son to be like his dad.”  Or that they are afraid because their son “acts just like his father!”  More often, and ultimately a boy will be who he wants to be.  Unless you have concerns about his safety (see above) don’t keep your son away from his dad, it’s a mistake!  It will lead to multiple issues and hurt your son. He needs love, support and healthy direction from both parents.

Young boys need a man to help them develop into a man.  It takes a healthy circle of men to define a healthy man!  It’s innate and natural and you may not like it but he’s going to need a healthy male example to help him become a healthy man. 

Still Not Convinced?

Reading material on PAS is abundant.  Are you going through a divorce?  Have you considered you may be consciously or unconsciously alienating your child?  I encourage you to stop the behavior, your child will suffer the consequences and it will come back to haunt you both.

I know this can be a sore subject.  Do you have an experience with Parent Alienation Syndrome? How did you handle it?

Author informationClayton Lessor

Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.

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