Clayton Lessor's Blog, page 6
March 13, 2018
Raising Sons? The Need For Healthy Masculinity
Masculinity continues to be debated in the media as “bad” and “toxic” I’m motivated to bring some alarming facts to your attention.
Perp’s in Sheep’s Clothing
If you’re watching the news you are hearing weekly sometimes daily of arrests of female teachers, female coaches perpetrating adolescent boys. It’s becoming epidemic, CBS news reports there are more than 800 documented cases. This is what’s happening behind the scenes while society is trying to figure out “how to” teach boys to be less masculine!
Any time an adult male or female perpetrates a child it’s abuse and is not okay, but less attention is given to the boys. Sadly I’ve witnessed this firsthand. My client, a 30-yr. old adult male, going through a divorce as a result of infidelity shared a burden he carried since the age of 16. He had been seduced by an older woman and tragically his father was “quietly/secretively” proud of him. He carried the wound for years, until he met me and dealt with his pain.
I’m an advocate for these boys, and that requires me to speak up and speak out!
Consider This
Think about what occurs when masculinity is squelched or eliminated. Typically, just the opposite, which is passivity.
So what can happen is this:
passivity waits for action-masculinity initiates action
passivity avoids-masculinity enters
passivity enables-masculinity leads
passivity backs off-masculinity stands firm
Wouldn’t you rather teach your son healthy masculinity? I’d like to say, “so that in the unlikely event” he’s approached by an aggressive, assertive female (or male) he knows to “stand firm,” but if this epidemic continues it’s very likely it can happen. The 14-yr. old boy from Florida in a case mentioned above, cried and told his parents “anyone could molest you.” He claims his teacher was picking him up nightly, as well as providing him with marijuana.
Behaviors Aren’t Age or Gender Specific
Aggressiveness, assertiveness and aggressive behaviors are present in both the young and old; in male and female, the masculine and the feminine! If you read my recent blog on masculinity you notice aggressiveness is not in the definition.
My recommendation is this. A boy needs his father (or healthy male mentor/role model) to immediately begin teaching him healthy masculinity. That means teaching him how to take action, be a leader and how to stand firm. It reinforces his confidence and gives him the strength and power needed to stand up for himself. A boy needs to know it’s okay to say no too, just as we’ve impressed upon and taught our girls.
Are you ready to join me and take a stand for your son? I sure hope so, he needs you!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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March 6, 2018
Masculinity Is Not The Enemy
We’re hearing a lot these days about masculinity and boys. Most of what’s being said I disagree with!
Masculinity
Masculinity is being attacked as a problem, a bad thing, that it’s toxic. As a facilitator, researcher and male I find this disturbing! Masculinity isn’t why a boy would walk into a school and begin shooting. Masculinity is what makes a male a man; just as femininity makes a female a woman!
Masculinity is by definition:
A set of attributes, behaviors, and roles associated with boys and men. Words like virility, manliness, maleness, machismo, vigor, strength, ruggedness, robustness and testosterone are often associated.
Are we trying to change the male?
Have we thought this through?
Men and boys are being unfairly lumped into a general category labeled “bad.”
The Lessons on Becoming a Man
I have seen over 2000 boys since 2000 in The Quest Project® and there was never a time masculinity was the issue. What has been the issue is the majority of the time these young boys didn’t have an engaged father. A healthy engaged father teaches his son “how to” be a man and what it means to be a man. He teaches masculine attributes associated with males and how to best channel those. He guides his boy innately on a rite-of-passage to be a man.
Fatherlessness (physically and/or emotionally) is an epidemic; that’s the problem. Without the father a boy learns how to be a man from other boys and that never turns out well. Without the father boys are teaching each other how to be masculine. In some cases they’re learning from violent movies and video games, which are given to them by a parent.
The War on Boys
I recently did an interview with Tom Roten on The Tom Roten
Morning Show where we talked about “There is a War on Boys!” This is an eye opening interview and I highly recommend listening if you’re raising a son. We discuss candidly that boys aren’t being taught how to be men, and these “5 things” a boy needs:
Healthy male role model/example.
A safe place to discharge his feelings.
Support of family and community.
Sense of achievement, importance and change.
Ritual to honor his work in transition from boy to man.
If we continue to ignore and blame boys becoming aggressive on masculinity, I guarantee we’ll continue to see them getting in trouble.
Put the responsibility where it belongs, nudge that Dad that’s working 80 hours a week, or the divorced Dad that didn’t pick his son up last weekend, to spend more time (3-5 hrs. a week) with their son. He needs him!
How does Mom help? By supporting the father-son relationship as much as possible. As long as there is no threat of physical abuse or potential for being severely irresponsible (unsafe) encourage and honor this stage of boy transitioning to man by a man!
If you’re raising a son where the father is not available and is not going to be available, I suggest looking to grandpa, uncle or healthy male example/role model. In my program, The Quest Project® a modern day rite-of-passage, I take young men through processes and character building a healthy male typically provides (and what you should expect if you are looking at programs).
Finally, let’s be careful attacking the male and get more focused on what they’re missing in order to be happy, healthy and responsible!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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February 27, 2018
FL School Shooter-Was Perfect Storm
It was a tragic sight on the T.V. screen. Another school shooting; this time 17 innocent lives taken.
When will it stop? Not until change happens!
The Tom Roten Morning Show
The link below will take you to my recent interview with Tom. Why this was a “perfect storm.”
Dr. Clay – FL School Shooter was Perfect Storm
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What’s Next
Change doesn’t happen if nothing changes. There are many opinions when something tragic happens. Mine is that we start by acknowledging boys are in trouble and need our help. If you have a son, make sure you’re communicating and spending time together. Make sure he’s spending 3-5 hours minimum with a healthy male example (preferably that’s dad) weekly. That’s a good place to start!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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February 20, 2018
Broken Boys-Signs to Watch For
How can a parent not be worried sick to send their kid off to school; a place trusted for years to keep children safe.
We send our prayers and condolences to the families in Florida that lost loved ones. I’m reminded of this saying:
“Bad things happen to good people.”
Help with the Grief
In times like this I feel compelled to provide a couple of resources that quickly come to mind. Grief is a process, and these may help:
“On Grief & Grieving-Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss” -Elizabeth Kubler Ross
“When Bad Things Happen To Good People”-Harold S. Kushner
Grief support group; every community offers grief support groups, check with your local church or “google it!”
With all the politics and opinions aside; let me say this another time. BOYS ARE IN TROUBLE AND NEED OUR HELP!
“A Perfect Storm”
As a therapist, the first thing that caught my attention regarding this young man, and what I mean by “perfect storm:”
Abandonment by both parents at birth.
Abandoned-adoptive father dies.
Abandoned-adoptive mother dies.
Self-medicating with video games etc.
Bullied-characterized as “weird and depressed,” an outcast.
Multiple calls/cries for help by him and the community-ignored.
No support from school or a group within the community.
Over time this young man will be analyzed, and surely many will attempt to weigh in on why he was so troubled. Ultimately, he was abandoned at birth, and where I make no excuses for his behavior, I do recognize the significance of a deep wound. In this case a broken heart that never healed and continued to be an issue.
Not much has been mentioned about the relationship with his adoptive parents, but purely by nature of his actions he was wounded with an additional broken heart when his adoptive dad died, and again when he lost his mother. I imagine he felt very much alone. The deepest wound for males is the father-son wound (per biology). Layer in abandonment and a lack of a support system and it creates a perfect storm for this troubled young man!
So he turns to video games as a way to initiate himself into manhood. With every new level he reaches he becomes more empowered. Once he completes all levels the next step is, to make it real (this assessment made based on the profile of this young man).
I can tell you with the wounds he carries from the list above it’s no surprise to me that he flipped. I only wish someone would have identified, worked on and helped him heal before this happened. I’m not talking about medication to just stabilize, I’m talking receiving help at a “gut level,” that’s the level where you can “clean up the whole damn thing level,” or at a minimum at least trying to!
The System Failed
He walks away from a mental health evaluation that determines him to be “competent and not a danger to himself or anyone else.” He should have been asked if he had access to guns or weapons. He lacked a case manager and/or assigned advocate. A patient advocate shadows the individual and keeps record of changes in behavior, emotion, and community involvement and reports immediately to the case manager. It occurs to me that as counselors if we should consider viewing social media profiles as part of the intake or assessment process? In hindsight, there was a lot of insightful information there.
What Will We Learn?
Be proactive and report concerns you witness (you can do this anonymously) in someone who appears to be lost and/or erratic behavior. This isn’t magically going away; there are many more young men out there lacking a healthy support system, carrying deep wounds and in need of help.
I welcome your comments to my thoughts on such an emotional subject.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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February 13, 2018
The Quest Project-A Testimonial
Sharing a testimonial that is both validating and inspiring for me in the work that I do in The Quest Project®.
Saying Thank You
After a recent The Quest Project graduation, I received a very special Thank You note from a parent. Here’s what they said:
“Dr. Clay, We wanted to say THANK YOU for guiding our family back on track! Our son has a better grasp on who he is and what his future looks like. We have made it through this program by taking a hard look at where we failed him and dropped the ball. I feel failure is only lessons learned and then comes freedom to change what doesn’t work. And I’m looking forward to watching this son of mine grow up into being whatever dreams he has for himself.”
Recognizing the Gift
You’ve heard me say many times, I see young men that are depressed, insecure, and frankly unsure of “who” they really are. They feel no matter what they do it isn’t good enough. They are constantly trying to live up to a parent(s) expectations by being what their parent(s) wants them to be.
One of the processes I facilitate over the 10-weeks in The Quest Project® is identifying the “gift.” I help the boys identify what makes them special and unique. I’ve witnessed many young men work hard and make great progress in their search to identify their “authentic self,” which begins by knowing their gift!
Never Forget
Special things happen when you allow your son to be what he’s meant to be, not try and force him to live your dream, or live the life you wish you had. I see parents all the time who are trying to live vicariously through their children, and their children are miserable as a result.
Not in this case, this parent really gets it and it’s music to my ears! “And I’m looking forward to watching this son of mine grow up into being whatever dreams he has for himself!”
This family has worked hard, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for them.
I say THANK YOU to these parents and everyone who supports my mission “To create healthy lifestyles by teaching, facilitating, writing, research and example.”
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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February 6, 2018
“Saving Our Sons” on VoicEd Radio
A recent conversation with Stephen Hurley of VoicEd radio in Canada. Stephen is doing good work bringing important educational topics into the homes of many!
Click here to hear our conversation.
voicEd Radio
Changing the Way You Talk About Education
Watch for “Saving Our Sons for Dads-A Fathers Guide to Raising Good Men,” due out early 2018! Be sure and stay connected for updates and pre-order opportunities!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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January 30, 2018
Raising Sons? Managing Difficult Feelings
The sound of laughter is sweet; we all love to hear a baby giggle, kids and adults laughing! It makes us smile just hearing it. But what happens when your son’s sad or mad?
No Laughing Matter
I talk and write a lot about feelings, “The Big 4”-mad, sad, glad and afraid, more importantly about how to honor those feelings. My focus here is when your son (or anyone) is feeling sad or mad the reaction typically is to stop the feeling! Think about it, what do you typically hear if you’re sad or mad? “Don’t cry!” “Everything’s okay, don’t be sad!” “It’s nothing to be mad about!”
Well guess what? WRONG! Crying is also cleansing tears and when you’re sad, crying is good. It’s our natural way to let go of pain. When you’re sad everything is not okay, you can be sad about that. If you’re mad, likely there is something to be mad about. FEEL your feelings and honor the other person when they’re feeling their feelings!
To take this a step further, when you prevent your son from feeling his feelings what seems to be a logical response on your part’ actually results in shaming his feeling. By telling him “don’t be” sad or angry you’ve now created a feeling of wrong or foolish behavior-and that’s shaming.
Feelings: Sad
As a parent sadness is one of the most difficult feelings to witness with your child. The last thing you want is to see them sad and crying. Your instinct is to hold them, tell them don’t be sad and don’t cry. Or worse, don’t cry be a big boy there’s nothing to be sad about.
Here’s what that teaches him.: Crying is bad and feeling sad is not necessary. Crying is for babies. The behavior is shameful.
Do this instead: Honor the feeling. Be supportive by just being present. If you feel you need to say something, wait until the person recovers then say “I know you’re sad. I understand you feel like crying.” The best way to relieve sadness is to feel it so that you can move on; this goes for kids too.
Feelings: Mad (Angry)
Parents worry if their son gets mad. What is going on, how can he be mad. Your instinct is to put a stop to the feeling, you tell him don’t be mad and stop acting like that. Or worse, it’s not nice or okay to be mad.
Here’s what that teaches him: He’s not allowed to be mad. There’s something wrong with being mad. The behavior is shameful.
Do this instead: Accept the feeling. Being mad is not wrong, it’s normal to be mad or angry when you don’t get what you want. Anger turned inward can cause depression. It’s the behavior that comes along with being mad and angry that can be bad. Make sure you offer a safe place (set this up beforehand when things are calm) for your son to feel his anger and get it out i.e. a punching bag or taking a walk. You might say “I understand you feel mad. I’m here if you need me or when you’re ready to talk.”
Overall the point here is to honor difficult feelings. Mad and sad are healthy feelings and when you teach your son they’re okay, he’ll grow up understanding healthy ways to manage them instead of stuffing them.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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January 23, 2018
A Time To Reflect
I’ve never been one to do New Year Resolutions, but I do take time to “reflect” on the goals I set for each new year to measure my accomplishments!
Here they are for 2017!
Starting from the Top
Let’s start with The Quest Project®, after all it’s the #1 program in my practice.
I facilitated 62 adolescent boys on a 10-week modern-day-rite-of-passage, known as The Quest Project in my office.
I facilitated 60 adolescent boys at a local public school for ten-weeks. The “School” Quest Project included two groups of ten boys each from the sixth, seventh and eighth grades respectively. This was a first for me, and the results were off the charts successful!
I held an inaugural The Quest Project for Men! For 10-weeks 6 men committed to working through the same processes the boys do; and the results were fantastic. This will be a new offering in 2018 and going forward.
I began training a protégé to expand The Quest Project here and reach more boys. As well, developing “train-the-trainer” materials so that we can offer The Quest Project nationwide in 2018!
Putting It on Paper
In April, writing began on the second book, this one directed to dads with guidance on how to be a better father to their sons. It has been a labor of love and I expect it to be very helpful in bringing father and son back together, which is of great importance. Self-publishing is a lot of work; the book will be released when I’m sure it’s the best it can be!
I published 52 blogs, yes that’s one a week for the entire year! I hope some of those were helpful to you in your parenting journey. In addition, I authored a 116-page dissertation titled “The Difference of a Ten Week Counselor Facilitated Adolescent Boys Group on Behavior.” Its theory comes from the work I do with boys in The Quest Project®.
Lots of housekeeping on the business side with the help of business, legal and financial consultants to keep me focused.
Best for Last
I held true to my mission “to create healthy lifestyles by teaching, facilitating, writing, research and example.”
And…to top it all off amid of all of the above, the crescendo of the year, I completed my Doctor of Philosophy in Education and achieved my ultimate goal to be Dr. Clayton Lessor!
What will 2018 bring? You can be sure I’ve set my goals!
Have you set your goals for 2018?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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January 16, 2018
Bullies In The Workplace
As seen on KTVI Fox 2 Morning Show! Thanks Randi Naughton and John Pertzborn for the warm welcome!
Workplace Bullies
Bullying happens everywhere from the playground to the classroom, to the workplace. So how do we handle workplace bullies? Click on the link below for my advice.
How to handle bullies in the workplace
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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January 2, 2018
Helping Sons on The Tom Roten Morning Show
Hope you enjoy this interview with Tom Roten of The Tom Roten Morning Show on WVHU! Tom’s a good man and I appreciate him helping me to spread the word!
“Help your son grow into the man he’s meant to be! | The Tom Roten Morning Show | NewsRadio 800 WVHU
800wvhu.iheart.com
Sons w/o Dads is a national crisis. Listen to SAVING OUR SONS author Dr. Clayton Lessor, founder of The Quest Project.
Get ready for “Saving Our Sons for Dads-A Fathers Guide to Raising Good Men.” We’re working hard to get it wrapped up and in your hands early 2018!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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