Clayton Lessor's Blog, page 2
March 5, 2019
The Quest Project-Men’s Weekend Workshop
I have discovered The Quest Project (an adult version) is as meaningful to men as it is to the adolescent boys. Imagine a group of men coming together over a weekend to work through issues they feel have prevented them from being the men they want to be! Here’s what one recent participant had to say.
I now have a mission! I am 75% happy I attended the workshop; I am 15% sad I didn’t have this knowledge long ago, and I am 10% afraid now that I do!
The Quest Project®-For Men
What better way for an adult male just starting out, father, brother, husband, son or uncle to understand and work on being a responsible healthy man.
We get right to work on these processes:
how to build a safe container
goal setting and block
tools for life
wound work
anger management
conflict resolution
discovering their gift
mission=purpose
relationships
community involvement
It’s Never Too Late
Whether you’re a young adult male that hasn’t had an important mentor and example of “how to” become a man, father, husband, brother or uncle. Or you’ve done the best you can over the years but realize “something” is missing. Maybe you grew up in a divorced home or didn’t get much time with your father because he worked long hours. Maybe dad was in the military and away during the formative years. There are multiple reasons, but the bottom line is you didn’t have a male role model to teach and provide you a rite-of-passage to manhood.
Now there is “immediate help and hope” for the adult male! I’m excited about the potential of bringing families closer. My mission: “to create healthy lifestyles by teaching, facilitating, writing, research and example” is my commitment. I will continue to research, discover and publish examples of what I learn in my first-hand experiences and intensive feedback from participants. If you’re an adult male who missed some important time with your father and would like to heal, I can help!
Update-What I’m Up To
I am very excited to have been asked to join the White House Council for Boys and Men steering committee. This group has been gaining traction and lobbying for much needed attention on the male population.
With the recent release of “Generation of Men–How to raise your son to be a healthy man among men” I have been conducting interviews from St. Louis to Canada!
I continue to conduct both Men and Women’s Quest Project Weekend Workshops every other month; hope to announce soon a new female LPC and facilitator (in training) for Women’s Quest. They have become very popular and the feedback is overwhelmingly positive! Space gets limited quickly, I encourage you to call for an assessment to see if it’s a fit for you!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of "Generation of Men: How to raise your son to be a healthy man among men" and “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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February 20, 2019
Have We Met?
My name is Clayton Lessor, PhD, LPC and it is my life’s mission to work with adolescent boys, I have done just that for the last 25 years. I am a licensed professional counselor, facilitator and author. I have a new book out titled “Generation of Men: How to raise your son to be a healthy man among men” it’s available on Amazon.
What’s in the Book?
The book features my years of research and The Quest Project®; a boys to men evidence-based program, The Quest Project®, which is a 10-week rite-of-passage program has helped over 2000 boys since the year 2000. In the book you’ll find it to be different than most of the talking heads. It goes beyond just identifying the problem, the need to seek out mentoring programs, or saying “fathers need to be more involved!”
I get to the heart of the problem by identifying a deeper systemic issue or wound that all males carry. I then lay out what boys need to become healthy men. How both men and boys can get there.
I explain why a father sitting next to his son on the phone while the son plays video games or vice versa isn’t enough. I’ve done the research,
developed a program, and have documented the awesome results with a before and after behavior scale.
What People are Saying
Clayton Lessor’s (Dr. Clay) new book Generation of Men addresses a singular contributor to today’s American dysfunction….the disconnect in the boy-to-man journey. While describing an historical perspective (both societal and personal) on how boys used to make that transition, Lessor develops a clear picture of what’s different about today’s passage and what can be done about it, case by case. While today’s norms struggle to support “spare the rod; spoil the child”, his Natural Consequences approach gives us hope that the disruptive adolescent male can grow to productive citizenship….but it takes work on everybody’s part. Every man raising a boy would benefit from reading his book. It’s said children don’t come with manuals….well, maybe this comes close.
Convinced Yet?
I hope you’ll pick up a copy of “Generation of Men” by clicking below. If you’re raising a son, especially if he’s an adolescent, you’ll find a lot of very beneficial information!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of "Generation of Men: How to raise your son to be a healthy man among men" and “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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January 29, 2019
Boom! “Generation of Men” Is Here!
Between the ages of 12 to 15, boys undergo a pivotal phase of character development. During these years, they shore up the identities of the men they’ll become. However, we have a situation on our hands:
The world today is complex. Technology, social media, current events, and dynamic shifts in culture have exposed modern youth to complicated concepts and situations at a much younger age. Children are navigating the ideas of adulthood in nearly every interaction. Yet, they have Limited access to male role models.
Meanwhile, they are receiving conflicting definitions of masculinity. In movies and tv, they see “macho” male idols while, at the same time, hear echoes from society that “men are bad.” Amidst
these convoluted expectations and assumptions, boys will turn to their friends, celebrities, video games, and the internet to learn how to “be a man.” The result is a patchwork manhood.
Because boys with absent fathers are forced to source male role models from different places, their concept of manhood is also pieced together. Today, we have a systemic problem of prolonging immaturity into adulthood. What’s more, this “patchwork manhood” is being passed generation to generation. And what we see is a generation of boys who seem distant, upset, angry, apathetic and detached.
New book, Generation of Men, written by Clayton Lessor, PhD, LPC, addresses the problem we have with our boys – the next generation of men. Serving as a how-to guide for fathers struggling to connect or reconnect with their sons, Dr. Clay provides fathers with the framework to use his proven program, The Quest Project®, designed to provide immediate help and hope to fathers and sons.
Generation of Men reveals what our boys need and what they are missing. It discusses the importance of the father-son relationship, depicting real-life examples of broken father-son relationships through case studies. Most importantly, it introduces a boys’ modern-day rite-of-passage towards becoming a man.
Generation of Men addresses
The Problem with Punishment & How to Set Ground Rules
The Wounds Boys Share: The Ways Fathers are Absent Today
What is Influencing Your Son
Why Some Boys Never Grow Up
The 5 Things Critical for your Son’s Transition into Manhood
Breaking the Cycle of Pain
And much more
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of "Generation of Men: How to raise your son to be a healthy man among men" and “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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January 15, 2019
Announcing-“Generation of Men!”
It is my pleasure to announce the release of my new book, “Generation of Men: How to raise your son to be a healthy man among men!” To pre-order your copy on Amazon click HERE!
About the Book
Between the ages of 12 to 15, boys undergo a pivotal phase of character development. During these years, they shore up the identities of the men they’ll become. However, we have a situation on our hands:
The world today is complex. Technology, social media, current events, and dynamic shifts in culture have exposed modern youth to complicated concepts and situations at a much younger age. Children are navigating the ideas of adulthood in nearly every interaction. Yet, they have limited access to male role models.
Meanwhile, they are receiving conflicting definitions of masculinity. In movies and tv, they see “macho” male idols while, at the same time, hear echoes from society that “men are bad.” Amidst these convoluted expectations and assumptions, boys will turn to their friends, celebrities, video games, and the internet to learn how to “be a man.” The result is a patchwork manhood.
Because boys with absent fathers are forced to source male role models from different places, their concept of manhood is also pieced together. Today, we have a systemic problem of prolonging immaturity into adulthood. What’s more, this “patchwork manhood” is being passed generation to generation. And what we see is a generation of boys who seem distant, upset, angry, apathetic and detached.
Dad-This One’s for You!
In my new book, “Generation of Men,” I address the problem we have with our boys – the next generation of men. Serving as a how-to guide for fathers struggling to connect or reconnect with their sons, and I provide fathers with the framework to use my proven program, The Quest Project, designed to provide immediate help and hope to fathers and sons.
“Generation of Men” reveals what our boys need and what they are missing. It discusses the importance of the father-son relationship, depicting real-life examples of broken father-son relationships through case studies. Most importantly, it introduces a boys’ modern-day rite-of-passage towards becoming a man.
Available Now for Pre-order!
Be one of the first to receive a copy by placing your pre-order HERE!
Please like our official book page on Facebook and follow us on Twitter @generation_men
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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November 27, 2018
Parenting Boys? Todays Challenges
I promised you more “sneak peeks” into my upcoming book. It’s about fathers and sons; insight into the past, present and future of the relationship or lack thereof between them.
Today’s Parent
Today’s parent faces modern challenges. It is how they handle those challenges that has become super important. I say that because as society has matured and become more automated, as parents we must be careful to not let parenting become “automated.”
Your son’s needs can’t be fulfilled by Alexa! He can’t become a healthy responsible man without your help. The acknowledgement for the book says it all:
To all the fathers who are doing their best to raise their sons to be responsible, strong and well-adjusted young men. It takes patience and wisdom that will be tested often.
I commend each of you, from the dad who’s doing all the right things to the dad who is working hard to figure out what that is. Don’t give up, your son needs you.
You compete every day with technology, electronics, and multiple attacks on what a male’s role is in this society.
We are masculine, tender, strong, vulnerable, leaders, followers, intelligent and we’re not to be taken for granted! We’re “a man among many!”
I hope you’ll find this book useful in recalling what exactly it is a boy needs to become a man. You’re the most important person in your son’s life; that’s an honor.
Win or Lose
In my lifetime I have never seen a more crucial time to send out a wake-up call to dad’s everywhere! Our masculinity is being attacked. This is not the time to throw in the towel or raise the white flag of defeat; you and your son and your son’s son are very important to this generation and the ones to follow.
Stop allowing the teachers to label your son ADD/ADHD, ODD or generally a nuisance. He’s a boy, and boys are full of energy and exploration; he (most likely) doesn’t need medication he needs activity. He needs to be taught how to embrace masculinity. Refuse to squelch the very nature that your son inherently possesses!
Boys and Girls ARE Different
I’m fired up when I see at minimum a boy a week being shamed for being a boy! Boys aren’t girls, their needs are different; they communicate different! Why have we suddenly decided the “difference” is a bad thing? Remember the best-selling book “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” by John Gray? How many of you read that book and nodded in agreement?
Join with me mom and dad and advocate for your son, or someday you’ll look back and regret it!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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November 20, 2018
Feelings of Gratitude and Thanks
It’s that time of year! A time to give thanks and reflect.
Thankful and Grateful
First and foremost, I am thankful for my family and friends and all the blessings they bring to my life. This year was especially difficult on my best friend Pinot (dachshund) he underwent his fifth back surgery that left him unable to walk. I’m thrilled to say after months of therapy and lots of love, he is walking again!
My private practice continues to grow and thrive which allows me to live my mission “to create healthy lifestyles by teaching, facilitating, writing, research and example” every day.
This year The Quest Project has been undergoing a “face lift” that will result in a spectacular new website, jam packed with information for families nationwide who may be struggling with an adolescent son. More to follow on this!
New this year to the practice are “weekend workshops” designed for both men (Men’s Quest) and women (Women’s Quest). They have been very popular; if you haven’t heard about them check it out here.
I’m very excited to announce that in addition to Saving Our Sons: A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success, I will be launching my second book early 2019!
Grateful to Give
And finally, Charity Patch which is a true “labor” of love! My wife and I were joined by seven Quest Project graduates and one very dedicated board member (GS) every Saturday morning beginning in May until school started in August. It was truly a wonderful time, we worked hard, sometimes played hard, and always enjoyed the day. Not to mention we delivered over 2000lbs. of produce (tomatoes, corn, beets, peppers, cucumbers and squash) to the local food pantry. There were some very hot summer temps to persevere; and the boys did so without complaint.
This Journey
One I’m very thankful for!
Although my story as one of abuse from my dad; I endured and healed. It led me to the work I do today helping other young men and their parents have a healthy relationship.
I am thankful for all of you who have been with me and supported me in this work and on this journey. There is more to come and more work to do so stay with me.
Wishing you all health and happiness,
Dr. Clay
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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November 13, 2018
Giving Your Son Permission to Cry
Has anyone ever said to you “maybe you just need a good cry?” In the therapy field we call those “cleansing tears!” Bottom line is it’s okay to cry; and frankly, it can be very good for you especially when you’re grieving. And guess what, kids feel grief and need to grieve too!
The Grief Recovery Institute Definition
“Grief is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss or change of any kind. Of itself, grief is neither a pathological condition nor a personality disorder. Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”
The death of a loved one is only ONE of the many reasons we grieve. Your son might be grieving the loss of a good friend, a break up with his girlfriend, an ill family member or the loss of a family pet. When parents’ divorce, kids grieve the loss of an intact family of origin.
Permission to Grieve
Grief is part of life, an emotion to recognize, embrace and work through. It’s not the time to say, “please don’t cry,” “everything will be okay, don’t cry,” or “be a big boy, don’t cry.” All of these, as innocent as they are, send a message to him to stuff his feelings; if he’s unable to he thinks he is broken. NO! Sometimes everything is not okay, nor will it be, and kids need to cry too.
The best thing to do is allow your son to feel his feelings as they come over him. Suggest a safe place and deep breaths. Let him know it’s okay to cry. Simply put your arm around his shoulders and be present. Caution: no patting and talking! Just be still, don’t say a word and don’t pat repeatedly (that just means hurry up I have things to do).
Encourage him to take the time to feel and let it out. Your job Mom and/or Dad, is to support him by being present!
Tears are the body’s way of releasing sadness. Each time he allows his tears to leave his body he will feel that much lighter.
You CAN’T Fix Grief
As difficult as it is to see your child sad and crying, it’s important to honor the process.
The good news is we don’t grieve the same piece (stage) twice. However, if delayed or interrupted grief can be “piled up” and become a major factor in other disorders.
Reminder: we all grieve differently, some wear their emotions on their sleeve while others internally stuff it. There is not a right or wrong way to grieve. With adolescent boys, they are more likely to keep their feelings buried deep inside. This can be unhealthy; and delays to the grieving process can lead to self-medicating or avoidance.
In the book “The Anatomy of Bereavement” B. Raphael says this: “boys 11+ years of age stuff feelings about 4 months. After trying to hero up they’ll release them violently.”
Is your son struggling with grief? Do you have a comment or concern you’d like to share?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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November 6, 2018
Help Your Son Replace Anger With Joy!
If I had a dollar for every time a parent said to me “my son is so angry” I’d be rich!
Anger-It’s a Part of Life
I was raised by a very angry father (he raged). The issue for me in my life wasn’t that he was angry, it was how he handled the anger. And so, for a kid who was the brunt of someone’s anger this may sound odd. Anger is not a bad emotion, it is one of “The Big 4” (mad, sad, glad and afraid). It is what you do with the anger that makes all the difference.
In my case, my father was abusive; he abused his family by hitting and yelling. Anger not only destroyed him but his relationship with his family. That’s why I devoted by career to teaching not only adults, but children how to handle anger.
Managing Anger
Anger is an expression of a feeling and we’re entitled to our feelings. Obviously hitting, yelling and screaming or punching holes in the wall are not appropriate. And more importantly, turning anger inward is not a healthy alternative either.
So what happens if your son is not allowed to express his anger? Well, the most common result is depression; depression is anger turned inward. I have dealt with many adolescent boys who come to my program, The Quest Project® full of anger and rage. Maybe he’s being bullied at school, his parents are divorcing, or he just isn’t happy with himself. The reasons are varied and for the most part all ARE reasons to feel angry.
I tell parents to buy their son a punching bag. This offers a healthy, tactile method to release and vent his feelings of anger.
I then teach the importance of immediately following up with what to fill that “void or empty space with.” Teaching your son to fill it with JOY and the things that he feels happy about; things that bring him pleasure, is a life lesson that is invaluable! Place the responsibility on him to fill the void with good and positive! In my experience he’ll welcome the challenge because it EMPOWERS him!
Open Lines of Communication
Talk to your son. Tell him of times you’ve been angry and how that worked out for you. Let him know that you understand he’s angry and he’s entitled to his feelings. Work out a healthy safe way that you are comfortable with where he can be free to express his anger. Talk about the freedom of replacing anger with joy. Then move quickly and encourage him to take responsibility for that which he’s angry about how to release it and how he’ll replace that with the things that bring him joy.
Be the example for your son. Show him that you can be angry, release it, and replace it with something good.
Are you dealing with an angry son? Have you accepted his anger and helped him to get it out so that he has an empty space to fill with joy?
Want to know more on the subject? Pick up a copy of “Saving Our Sons”-A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success on Amazon.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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October 30, 2018
The Father-Son Relationship
Every now and then in my program, The Quest Project, a boy will say something that makes what I do the best job in the world!
Likely if you read my newsletters you know I talk a lot about the Industrial Revolution and how it drastically changed families. Particularly the relationships between father and son.
Father and Son
The father has always been responsible to show (model) their sons what it takes to be a man. I’m not referring to how to kill a bear or dress a deer I’m talking years ago they would till and plant crops, they shoed the horse’s side by side, repaired a hole in the barn door. Dad used chores to teach his son. It provided a rite-of-passage to becoming a man; and they did it by just being present with their sons.
The Industrial Revolution changed everything. Dad went to work in mills, factories, and offices to survive and support his family. He put in long hours and in many cases didn’t get home in time to see the kids before bedtime.
Past to Present
Fast forward to today, now each next generation of dads has gotten further away from those early rite-of-passage teachings with their son.
There’s been lots of research and data provided that tells us on average, father and son spend about 10 minutes a week together. That’s not enough!
At a minimum father and son should spend 3-5 hours a week, together one-on-one; being present with each other.
Best Job in the World
So back to how I started this. I said every once in a while a boy will say something that makes what I do the best job in the world. Here’s why I said that!
At the start of a group the young men “check-in” with how their week went. Most times they say they don’t like school, or they are tired, or it was fine! They “check-out” at the end and this time one of the boys said this, “I’m getting closer to my dad!”
In my business that’s a beautiful thing! This father and son have started going to breakfast every Sunday together, just the two of them. They experiment going to different diners and trying different food. It’s their “thing.”
When a young man grins from ear to ear because he feels like he and his dad are getting closer, well I sleep better at night and I walk with a spring in my step because that’s why I do what I do! I want every boy and his dad to get closer!
I’m so passionate about it I’ve written my second book for exactly this reason! You can expect to see the book out early 2019! Do you know a father and son that need a little help; would you like to know how to support their Quest? Stay tuned for updates!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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October 23, 2018
The Quest Project®Getting a New Look!
Rebranding a company is a massive undertaking! In fact, it tests patience, resolve and frankly pushes every emotional button. It’s change; it’s important change!
So, get ready as I get prepare to roll out a whole new look for The Quest Project® and a whole new look for my next book.
Unwanted Competition
In 2016 when I launched “Saving Our Sons” it quickly became a “crowded” space. I was suddenly competing with other books and programs that bore the same name! I learned back then that book titles aren’t/can’t be exclusive.
As I prepare to launch book #2, it’ll have an entirely new look and title. I think you’re going to love it! I’ve taken my time, written the very best guide for Dad I could. Then I spent an equal amount of time making sure it had the perfect title and cover; I think it’s amazing!
Sneak Peek
As we get closer to the launch, which is scheduled for Jan. 2019 I’ll continue to provide updates as well as give you hints of what to expect.
Here’s your first peek: The book is a guide to help foster the relationship between adolescent boys and their dad. Enjoy a small sample straight from the manuscript!
“The relationship between a boy and his father is the most significant relationship in a boy’s life. That relationship helps him figure out who he is and helps him decide who he wants to be. It teaches him what masculinity means, and it teaches him how to be a man. This book is designed to help you repair and grow your relationship with your son into one that is healthy and supports your son to reach his full potential.
I talk a lot about the importance of fathers in boys’ lives. However, if you came to this book as a concerned stepfather, grandfather, uncle, or some other adult male who has taken over some of the father’s traditional role, please keep reading. The boy you are reading this for needs you even more. This book will help you identify what he needs and offer some solutions to help you provide it.
Over the next few chapters, I’ll share what I’ve learned about boys in more than two decades of professional practice, what our society has failed to give them, and why it’s so hard for fathers to understand what their sons really need and how to provide it. I’ll share the five essential things your son needs to become a man and some proven approaches and techniques that will help you make sure he gets that support. I’ll help you gain a deeper understanding of your own experiences as a teenager and a man, so you can connect with your boy on a deeper level and establish the kind of relationship that will provide the foundation he needs to grow up healthy and happy.
Finally, I’ll introduce you to a group of men who have experienced the same kinds of issues you and your son might be experiencing now. They’ll share their stories of what they experienced, what they learned, how they healed, and where they and their sons are today. Together, we’ll show you that, regardless of where he is or what he’s experiencing at the moment, your son’s future can be bright.”
Let me know what you think? And stay tuned for more, you don’t want to miss it when I reveal the title!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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