Clayton Lessor's Blog, page 14
August 23, 2016
Saving Our Sons Sneak Peak – The Quest Project
Every quest begins with a question. This was mine:
“Why are so many boys suffering, and what can be done to help them?”
Here’s a glimpse of how I got my start.
The following excerpt is from Chapter 5: The Quest Project. I hope you enjoy!
“The Quest Project®”
Each process I used was based in psychological theory and the research I had done both in school and in the field. However, I had never before created a full program on my own, so I made a conscious decision to keep the process fluid. I wanted to be free to change things as I went along, to get rid of what didn’t work, to expand on what did work, to move parts around, and to add new elements depending on how the boys progressed and what they needed next.
As the weeks went by, it became clear that the program worked. Parents raved about their sons’ progress, and that was the success I had hoped for. I also realized that there were many more boys in my community beyond the hospital who could benefit from the same kind of experience.
After I took two groups of boys through the hospital program, it was time to launch The Quest Project®.
I still have the spiral notebook where I put the very first program together. I kept the once-a-week model because it had worked so well. I sketched out a ten-week schedule designed to take a group of boys through a modern-day rite of passage, similar to the initiation rituals in ancient and native cultures that guided boys into manhood.
It would have the community element because it would revolve around a group of boys working together and supporting each other. It would include challenges for the boys to complete to gain a sense of accomplishment. And everything, including the challenges themselves, would be designed with a therapeutic purpose.
I specifically developed every step of the program to help the boys uncover their pain, face it and heal from it as they progressed from week to week. They would graduate transformed, stronger and healthier than before, and well on their way to becoming responsible men.
The official release date for Saving Our Sons is September 1, 2016. The book is now available for pre-ordering on Amazon.com.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of the forthcoming book, “Saving Our Sons” A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. Clay has seen over 1800 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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August 16, 2016
Saving Our Sons Sneak Peek – Absent Fathers
I hope you enjoyed reading last week’s excerpt from Saving Our Sons. Here’s your next installment from the book.
The following excerpt is from Chapter 3: What’s Missing. I hope you enjoy!
“What’s Missing”
Mothers I meet in my practice already feel like they’re bending over backward giving their all to help their boy. And it’s still not working!
If this is true for you, understand that it’s not your fault. You are not failing your son.
The problem is basic biology.
At its most basic level, the transition from boyhood to manhood is about a boy breaking away from his mother and learning to stand on his own two feet. He’s looking for answers to questions like, “Who is the man I’m going to become?” and, “Who’s around that can give me that example or model?”
As much as you love your son, those are answers you cannot provide.
Part of what makes parenting an adolescent so challenging is that at the same time your son is feeling drawn to this new world of men, he is still terrified to leave your side. That’s the first and biggest challenge boys face as they grow up, separating from Mom.
Who can blame your son for feeling attached to the safety and comfort of being cared for and feeling loved? Even when he’s acting like a complete jerk, he still doesn’t want to let go of you. In fact, that may be why your son is acting like a complete jerk.
Boys test their mothers. On one hand, they want to see how far they can push the boundaries; on the other hand, they want to run back to Mom’s side and be safe.
In an ideal world, this is where Dad steps in and says, “No, wait a minute. You’re not going to hide, you’re not running back to Mom, and you’re going to feel this.” Because when a boy pushes past his fear and faces it, that’s where the growth happens.
Because it’s so challenging, this is where a lot of boys get stuck. One primary reason is the lack of a strong male role model to guide them. The current epidemic of Absent Fathers means too many boys have no one to tell them, “You can do it,” and push them forward toward manhood.
And yes, this includes boys who have a father living at home.
You may be wondering why you, Mom, can’t be the person to guide your son on this journey. After all, you’ve gotten him this far. You probably know him better than anyone.
But even when you say those exact same words, you get a very different reaction than when the words come from Dad. When Dad nudges your son away from you and out into the world, it’s empowering. When you nudge your son away from you, he may feel rejected. He may feel you’re no longer there to run back to at all. This is both painful and scary to a boy who is still unsure of his place in the world.
The official release date for Saving Our Sons is September 1, 2016. The book is now available for pre-ordering on Amazon.com.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of the forthcoming book, “Saving Our Sons” A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. Clay has seen over 1800 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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August 9, 2016
Saving Our Sons Sneak Peek – The State of Boyhood
When I was a teenager, my Grandpa gave me this advice: He said, “son before you buy a car, you have to kick the tires first!” I thought you might like to do the same. Over the next few weeks, I’m giving you the opportunity to “kick the tires” of my new book Saving Our Sons-A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success.
The following excerpt is from Chapter 2: The State of Boyhood. I hope you enjoy!
“The State of Boyhood”
So, how DO we begin to build your son into a man who is healthy, happy and responsible? To begin, we need to understand the world your son is growing up in right now. And if your son is having trouble, I would be willing to bet that he is growing up without a dad.
There’s a wound most troubled boys share, which, at its core, comes from the feeling that they don’t have their father’s unconditional love. This affects boys whose fathers are missing from their lives because of divorce or abandonment. It happens with boys who are victims of abuse. It even happens with boys who live in two-parent households and see their fathers nearly every day.
I call this phenomenon the “Absent Father.”
The vast majority of the boys I see in my practice are growing up in homes where the father is not physically living in the home with them and being raised by single mothers. This isn’t always the case, but we’ll get to those other situations later.
If you’re a single mother, you don’t need me to tell you how hard that is. Without a partner to help with child-rearing duties, most of the single moms I know feel like they have to fill both the role of father and the role of mother for their children. There aren’t enough hours in the day for them to fill either role well, especially if there are other kids in the house who also need time and attention.
Most single moms work outside the home to make sure their children have a roof over their head, food on the table, and clothes to wear. The rest of the time, they’re preparing food, cleaning up, making sure the kids do their homework and driving to sports practices, teacher conferences, games, and activities.
It’s overwhelming.
No wonder so many single moms feel frazzled and at the end of their rope. If a child is having problems in school or with friends or even with the law, there’s not a lot of energy left to deal with that.
If that sounds like your experience, you are not alone. According to estimates, one in three boys currently lives in a home without a father or another strong male role model. The result is a crisis, and it’s currently affecting a large number of America’s boys.
The official release date for Saving Our Sons is September 1, 2016. The book is now available for pre-ordering on Amazon.com.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of the forthcoming book, “Saving Our Sons” A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. Clay has seen over 1800 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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August 2, 2016
Goodreads Giveaway – Win a Copy of Saving Our Sons
I will be honest, I love FREE things! I hope you do too because I have a great offer for you!
We are weeks away from launching Saving Our Sons! To celebrate I’m giving away five autographed copies of the book on Goodreads.
If you’re not familiar with it, Goodreads, with more than 50,000,000 members, is the world’s largest site for readers and book recommendations.
For your chance to win a free signed copy of Saving Our Sons, all you have to do is visit me on Goodreads between August 1-22 to enter!
Thank you very much for supporting my mission, and for supporting me in this very important work.
Want to check out Saving Our Sons? Get the first chapter here.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of the forthcoming book, “Saving Our Sons” A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. Clay has seen over 1800 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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July 26, 2016
Are You Unintentionally Fostering Parent Alienation Syndrome in Your Boy?
I am inspired to write about parent alienation syndrome, or PAS, this week after meeting with an adolescent boy who was struggling with his feelings about his dad. It’s not the first time and most likely not the last; I continue to do my part in discouraging this behavior (PAS) in most circumstances.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E
The most common time PAS rears its ugly head is during a divorce. If it’s a bitter divorce and most of the time they are, one parent may attempt to turn the child/children against the other parent. Typically, this parent feels justified in doing so; most of the time it’s a way to “get back” at the other parent.
Here’s the rub. We all know that when there is a divorce and children are involved, the children suffer most. That is especially true when one of the parents works diligently to convince the kids the “other parent” is to blame.
“You Act Just Like Your Father!”
You know by now that my work is with boys in The Quest Project® so there are many times when I see a mom trying hard to keep her son(s) from his dad and/or from being “like” his dad.
Before I get hate mail, I know that there are many mothers that work very hard to make sure the relationship between father and son stays intact, so please don’t take offense – I’m not talking to you! I see dads do this too, though in my experience it is not as often.
Important note: In the case where it’s determined dad or mom is not safe, then legal needs to intervene mandating supervised visits and/or parenting classes. Or, when the justification is that mom and/or dad has a character flaw that you’re concerned about, it may then be appropriate to feel this way but inappropriate to make it “black and white!”
I’m speaking here directly to the mom that wants to keep her son away from his dad. This is a huge mistake! It will lead to multiple issues and hurt your son. Young boys need a man to help them develop into a man. It takes a healthy circle of men to define a healthy man! It’s innate and natural and whether you like it or not he’s going to need a healthy male example if he wants to become a healthy man.
Moms frequently tell me they “don’t want their son to be like his dad.” Or that they are afraid because their son “acts just like his father!” Again, more often than not a boy will be who he wants to be. He needs love, support and healthy direction from both parents.
Educate Yourself
There is an abundance of reading material on PAS. If you’re going through a divorce or consider you may be consciously or unconsciously alienating your child, I encourage you to stop the behavior, your child will suffer the consequences. What consequences you might ask! Typically, when the child grows up, becomes an adult and reviews their childhood this type behavior can come back to haunt the parent.
I know this can be a sore subject. Do you have an experience with Parent Alienation Syndrome? How did you handle it?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of the forthcoming book, “Saving Our Sons” A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. Clay has seen over 1800 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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July 19, 2016
Saving Our Sons – Pre-Order News!
Those of you who follow me know I have worked hard to get to this day! Today my book, Saving Our Sons – A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success is available on Amazon.com for pre-orders. It’s an exciting day at our house!
Thanks To The Team
We have worked tirelessly with a team of folks to get to this point. I want to give them a shout out because without them this book would not have become a reality! It has been hard work and is a journey I’ll never forget.
My mission is to help our troubled teenage boys become strong healthy young men; I believe Saving Our Sons will help parents better understand their son’s needs. At the end of the day, that’s all I have strived to do for over 20 years.
Tell Everyone Saving Our Sons is Here!
So please pass the word along and if you haven’t yet ordered your copy of the book I encourage you to do so. Oh, and by the way, have I told you it’s now available on Amazon for pre-orders?!
As we build up momentum and energy for the official public launch on September 1, 2016, I’ll be giving you all a play-by-play so stay tuned!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of the forthcoming book, “Saving Our Sons” A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. Clay has seen over 1800 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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July 13, 2016
Problem Based Learning
Under normal circumstances problem based learning, or PBL as it’s referred to, is “an approach that challenges children to learn through engagement in a real problem at home or school.”
How It Works
It’s a great process the schools are using to actually test the problem solving skills of students in various scenarios. Remember the word problems when you were a kid? Personally those were my least favorite math problem because they really made me think to find a solution!
Some corporations are doing “poverty simulations” with employees. It gives them the experience of what it’s like not knowing where the next meal is coming from, to living on a minimum weekly salary and managing a budget.
I get it, and I see the benefits!
The Dark Side of Problem Based Learning
I’d like to discuss what happens in a family dynamic that is less than desirable and how PBL can be a means of survival for your son. What does that mean?
I grew up in an abusive home; I know first hand how “problem based learning” can not only be a survival process, but a means to a day-to-day existence. For instance, I knew that when it was time for dad to get home from work I better have A, B, and C (whatever those tasks were) done or there would be hell to pay.
When your child is living in a home where there is abuse, he’ll problem base learn exactly what he needs to do and when to do it. When parents divorce, the kids will begin the process of problem based learning in their new separated family. When drugs or alcohol are being abused by the parent(s) children must adapt themselves, and how do they do this, problem based learning!
In my program, The Quest Project® I teach young adolescent boys problem based learning. I teach them how to keep from acting out, and to stay out of trouble when that’s all they know how to do.
What’s My Point?
I’ve described opposite ends of the spectrum here. My point is this, problem based learning is a wonderful thing under the right circumstances. Challenge your son to do things and solve problems, even those you might “do and problem solve” differently, it develops his critical and analytical thinking.
At a recent The Quest Project® graduation the majority of the young men had a goal of becoming a “video game designer.” Do you know why? Because they’re spending the “majority” of their time on video games, so naturally they want to design them (problem based learning)! Get him involved in projects and activities that go beyond gaming.
I remember as a kid when my mom or dad needed me to “fix something” or help with a project, as much as I outwardly objected, I really liked “figuring stuff out” in other words, problem based learning! So remember this:
Tough love and natural consequences promote PBL in a good way!
Punishment and spoiling make for negative PBL and more manipulative behavior!
Would you share a story of your experience with problem based learning?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of the forthcoming book, “Saving Our Sons” A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. Clay has seen over 1800 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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July 5, 2016
The Quest Project Graduation
One of my favorite times is The Quest Project® graduation! It’s a special night for me when I get to honor the work of the young men that have completed The Quest Project® 10 week program.
Speak To Us!
Over the years I have had many guest speakers attend to offer a story, a life experience and piece of encouragement to these young men. One of my favorite guest speakers is a retired professor and friend that tells the following story. I hope you find the same inspiration from this story that I do!
“Years ago when Australia was first being settled, two young brothers were caught stealing sheep. Typically cattle and sheep rustlers were hanged in those days. Because the boys were so young, instead of being killed, they were branded on their foreheads with the letters “ST” for sheep thief.
One brother moved out of town in embarrassment and shame and in a few years he died alone, an outcast, his life amounting to nothing. He’d never been able to come to terms with his failure.
The other brother stayed in the town, in spite of his shame and guilt, and through the years he somehow regained the respect of the people there. It wasn’t easy to live down something like that, but he did it. And he did it well. Everybody in town came to respect that revered old man. In fact years later a visitor wandered through town and asked what the letters on the forehead meant after he’d met the well-loved old man in the town’s pub.
The young man he spoke to said, “You know, I never thought about it. Those letters have been there as long as I can remember.” “I guess it stands for saint!” The “ST” for sheep thief had through the years become the “ST” for saint.
That man had discovered the freedom to fail, and grow through it, and become a better man in the process.
That’s all your family and friends expect of you today. Not to be perfect. Not to get to the point of never making mistakes. But to know how to handle failure when it comes. To claim it as your own, to walk through it and keep going.
You’re men now. And that’s what men do!
God bless you.”
Mistakes Happen!
So thank you to BL, my friend and colleague for such a great story! I still tell this story at graduation as it holds so much meaning and truth. I hope you will remember this story and share it with your son.
At the end of the day, what a great message; we all make mistakes – it’s what you do about it that matters most.
Want to share a story of a “mistake” that had a positive outcome? I’d like to hear it. Please share in the comments section below.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of the forthcoming book, “Saving Our Sons” A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. Clay has seen over 1800 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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June 29, 2016
Birds of a Feather
You’ve heard that old cliché a million times. “Birds of a feather flock together!” I’m not certain I believe it 100% but I do believe that “who we associate ourselves with” can impact our behavior. That applies to adults as well as children; the only difference is as an adult we make our own choices, as parents we are responsible to “oversee” who our kids associate with!
Peer Pressure
It’s important as parents you are aware of who your son is “hanging around” with. Peer pressure is real at this stage of your son’s life! Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Have you met the parents of the friend your son is spending time with?
Have you asked yourself, what do I know about this family?
Have I met the family?
Are they(the parents) home after school and on the weekends when my son is over?
Is there anything suspicious that I should be concerned about?
Is my son spending an enormous amount of time at “their house?”
In my new book “Saving Our Sons” A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success I write about the “tendency of adolescent boys to hang with the friend that has little to no supervision at home.” I do that because it’s true! Think back to when you were a kid, you probably did it too. A young boy is searching himself to discover who and what he is all about. It’s entirely possible he can connect and be drawn to the wrong set of friends and be subject to peer pressure. Their are a million scenarios that can result in trouble for your son, that’s why it’s important to pay attention to who he’s spending time with.
Give yourself permission to check out your son’s friends, and his friend’s parents to be sure he is not making bad choices!
Everything in Moderation
Keep in mind – MODERATION is a good thing, and that does include friend time! An unhealthy friend has the potential to become your son’s mentor and role model. If you read my blog last week titled Play Ball I talk about sports and the benefits to getting your son involved in this type of activity where he has the potential to make friends and hang out doing something healthy at the same time.
What Type of Parent Are You?
There are 3 types of parents, for the sake of space basically it goes like this:
The Bad Parent – disconnected and uninvolved with their kids
The Good Parent – over-connected and involved, friend, spoiling their child
The Responsible Parent – connected, interested, loving, nurturing (including tough love) and consistent “boundaries and limits” to keep their child safe
Your son needs a responsible parent to set up a discipline system and follow through with commitment and consistency to feel safe; that means you want to know who his friends are too! The result is he can then, more than likely, grow up healthy, happy and grounded.
Have you had a bad experience with your son’s “BFF” and peer pressure?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of the forthcoming book, “Saving Our Sons” A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. Clay has seen over 1800 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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June 21, 2016
Play Ball!
Baseball season is heating up! Yes I’m an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan, GO CARDS! I’m a hockey fan too, I know one of these years the Blues are going to win the Stanley Cup, GO BLUES! This inspired me to write about sports and how adolescent boys can get not only mentoring from a coach, but a “release” of stored/pent-up energy with their peers.
Keep Your Son Busy
Boys are inherently different than girls, they are mostly active, curious and competitive. One of the best ways to get your young son engaged is by “nudging” him to “do” something. Sports provides a sense of accomplishment and fun.
This especially goes for single parent moms raising boys. I highly suggest getting them involved in sports! They’ll learn to be on a team(camaraderie) and more likely than not, they’ll get some mentoring from their coaches.
Escape To The Field
I remember as a boy my dad was absent; my mom was disengaged and basically trying to survive. What did I do? I would play baseball, hockey, football and anything I could just to stay away from the madness that was “my home.”
I learned some very important lessons being on a team and I believe your son can too.
I had some great coaches and mentors; I had some not so great coaches but the important thing is I learned teamwork, camaraderie, fun, how to “try harder,” and not to QUIT!
“Take Me Out To The Ballgame”
A tip for all the parents: GO AND WATCH HIS GAMES. Tell your child how proud you are of him and how great he’s doing; trust me it means a lot. Know that he appreciates the acknowledgment even if he doesn’t acknowledge he does(yep-strange but true!)!
I know every game my mom attended; more important I know every game she didn’t attend. Most of those times for what I perceived to be “lame excuses.” I stopped looking for her and expecting to see her in the stands. It’s a sad feeling I wouldn’t wish on any young boy.
I realize sports aren’t for every boy, maybe it’s band or choir, that’s great too. The message here is to get them involved in an activity they can be proud of (this excludes T.V.!). Video games are fun for boys and they do feel a sense of accomplishment and competition, it’s not the same as being in the presence of other boys, with a mentor or a coach.
When we do goal setting in The Quest Project®, 90% of the boys have a goal of being a professional athlete! It’s their goal, what they want to be when they grow up and that’s healthy; I encourage them to make it a reality. Let them try, get them active and on a team maybe your son is the next Yadier Molina!
Does your son play a sport? Has it made a positive impact?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of the forthcoming book, “Saving Our Sons” A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. Clay has seen over 1800 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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