Clayton Lessor's Blog, page 11
March 21, 2017
Good News! The Quest Project Is Coming To You
What happens when requests begin to flow in asking for The Quest Project® in other cities and towns?
We deliver!
I am excited to present: The Quest Project Weekend Intensive Program as an option for our many followers who have reached out and asked: “how can we get this program in our area?”
The Quest Project Weekend Intensive Program
A results-oriented, professionally-facilitated, transformational weekend designed specifically for at-risk adolescent boys and their parents/caregivers. Youth organizations, churches, and local treatment centers hire us to bring The Quest Project® to their community.
We facilitate and support the boys through a modern-day rite of passage, fostering their growth into men of integrity.
We bring the tools, knowledge, and guidance for the parents, caregivers, and staff in support of helping them develop a consistent, healthy environment for their boys.
Proven Results
I have facilitated The Quest Project® for over 12 years and welcomed over 2,000 boys and their parents/caregivers. Their results are measured using the Behavioral Evaluation Scale (BES- III) and show a . . .
70% increase in happiness
65% increase in improved interpersonal relationship skills
70% increase in fear resolution
50% increase in age-appropriate behavior
35% increase in learning capabilities
Want To Know More?
If you are interested in bringing The Quest Project Weekend Intensive Program to your area click here!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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March 14, 2017
Parenting Sons: 5 Things You Need To Know About Peer Pressure
Peer Pressure and Healthy Male Mentor
As your adolescent boy grows and matures it is increasingly important that he has a strong relationship with dad; if dad is healthy and safe. If that is not the case, a healthy male mentor (grandpa, uncle, stepdad, coach).
You hear me say this often, I have dads tell me they’re doing the best they can (doing things “just like their dad did!”) and I believe that to be true. I also believe through my research I can tell you exactly how and when relationships between dads and their sons began to deteriorate. I’ll blog about this in detail in the next couple of weeks. And, BIG NEWS in even more detail in my new book in the works specifically for dads!
If dad is absent a boy will bond with peers and many times that is where he takes direction on becoming a man-this is not how you want your son to learn how to become an adult male!
Peer Pressure and Your Son
We all dealt with peer pressure at some point or at some level. It’s a part of life; how we respond is what’s most important. For boys, this is where it can get risky; if dad isn’t around to guide him he’ll look to his friends as his example.
Peer pressure can lead a boy down the wrong path. Often times boys will bond together and act out in unhealthy ways. Boys think proving they’re a man means doing crazy scary stuff to show their bravery. They may be drawn to negative groups like gangs, or to the boy who has a minimal amount of supervision at home. They “hang out” and you guessed it, that’s where he’ll likely have the opportunity to experiment with drugs, alcohol or other risky behavior that leads to trouble-serious trouble!
What to Watch For:
change in behavior – more isolated
change in sleep habits – sleeps less
change in appetite – eating less
mood swings – dramatic/traumatic
doesn’t want to talk or be with family – some of this behavior is common, you’re looking for a change
What Can You Do?
Here are some basic suggestions that can help you help him get through this critical time:
Insist dad spend at least 3-5 hours a week with his son (if dad isn’t present, seek out a healthy male role model-uncle, stepfather, grandpa)
Provide positive feedback and encouragement which helps build self-esteem (helps avoid bad choices)
Practice good communication, I’ve written examples of this (conflict resolution skills)
Share some of your experiences (give him examples of how you handled peer pressure)
Sports are a great environment for boys, as are school clubs i.e.: chess, art, debate and Jr. ROTC (they provide activity and a sense of pride)
Boy Scouts, religious and community activities are also great ways to engage with your son and give him a sense of mission. Your goal is to surround him with good positive support by making sure he is in an environment that provides him an example.
Peer pressure is alive and well still today. I believe now more than ever it requires your attention.
Are you afraid your son is being pressured by peers? Post your questions or comments below or on my Facebook page.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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March 7, 2017
Raising Sons? Does He Struggle With Anxiety?
As a Licensed Professional Counselor(LPC), I see a fair number of clients with anxiety. Maybe they lost a job or their marriage is failing. Recently I am seeing adolescent boys on a regular basis struggling with anxiety.
What Is Anxiety?
In general, anxiety is a term used for nervousness, fear, apprehension and worry. Chronic anxiety can lead to, or be an obsessive-compulsive behavior. It can manifest itself by the looping of terrorizing words through a nervous or worried mind. Typically, but not always anxiety sets in when there is an uncertain outcome or an imminent event. So, if you’re asking yourself “what would a young boy, or my son have to feel anxious about” well, admittedly I thought the same thing.
If you happen to be the parent of an adolescent boy who is visibly anxious, pay attention it’s a serious matter. Anxiety will effect the way he behaves, and if not dealt with can turn into real physical symptoms. You’ve heard the old saying “you’re going to worry yourself sick.” It’s true!
Here is a short list of the reasons a boy may feel anxiety:
parents arguing often
parents divorced or divorcing
girlfriend problems
being bullied
can’t seem to please parents
homework/schoolwork
peer pressure
puberty
What Can Be Done
I don’t particularly think these are anything new; I remember feeling anxious about most of these when I was a boy. What is different today?
Dads may not be keeping their sons active enough! Boys are sitting in their room or in the basement playing video games letting their mind race and worry.
Research tells us the average time fathers spend with kids is 10 minutes a day-this must change– they need 3-5 hours a week at a minimum.
Get your son active; activities keep the mind and body active.
If you witness panic attacks, immediately get them to a professional.
It’s not uncommon for any of us to have periods of anxiousness or anxiety. When this feeling hangs on for more than a couple of hours it’s time to address what the issue is that’s causing angst. This is especially the case with children. Simply asking “hey what’s going on, are you okay?” is a good start. Remember that once the question is asked to listen. Sometimes knowing you’re supportive may be all that is required!
When to Seek Help?
If you find you can’t get your child to open up it might be time to involve a professional; I recommend a Licensed Professional Counselor(LPC).
Why an LPC?
LPC’s are trained in counseling and at a minimum have a Masters Degree in the counseling field. They must pass a very difficult comprehensive exam followed by a rigorous supervision of 3000+ hours before they receive their license. Why is this important? In some states, it is not necessary to be licensed as an LPC to practice counseling! I encourage you to make sure the LPC you choose is licensed in the field in order to receive valid, credible advice!
I believe in trying to fix anxiety with counseling first; only if all else fails do I recommend medication. Medicating a child can lead to a lifetime of dependency; teaching a child “how to” deal with problems will help them as they grow and mature into an adult.
Have you or your son “worried yourself sick?” How did it turn out?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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February 28, 2017
Parenting Tip: Conflict Resolution Examples
Conflict Resolution: Conversation Examples
I chose two of the conflicts I see frequently between an adolescent boy and his parent.
Conflict Resolution Tool
State the facts: Who, What, When and Where
Make a judgment: A judgment is an “I think you or me statement” about self and about other person
State feeling: The Big Four-mad, sad, glad or afraid (can be a combination of these)
Say what you want: You want to be heard and what you want to be different
Rules of Engagement
The rule is this: Schedule time together, at least an hour, to discuss the conflict. There should be no distractions or disturbances. One person speaks at a time, the other listens intently to repeat back what the other says (approx. 7 words +/-) until completed. This rule is very important as it solidifies that each person is listening and “engaged.”
“Everybody Else Gets to Stay Out Later”
If you’re parenting son(s) 15-17 yrs. old, how often do you hear this one? It’s the most popular topic for conflict resolution among parents of older boys.
In this case Dylan and his mom; she is angry that Dylan broke curfew.
Dylan: “Mom I didn’t get home last night until midnight (FACTS) (Rule: Mom repeats-you didn’t get home last night till midnight). I think 10:00 p.m. is too early and if you trusted me more you would let me stay out later (JUDGMENT) (Rule: Mom repeats-you think 10:00 p.m. is too early and if I trusted you more I’d let you stay out later). I feel mad, it’s unfair I’m the only one who has to be home by 10:00 p.m.(FEELING) (Rule: Mom repeats-you feel mad because you’re the only one who has to be home by 10:00 p.m.). I want you to let me stay out later. Can we make 11:00 p.m. my curfew (WHAT YOU WANT) (Rule: Mom repeats-you want to stay out later till 11:00)?”
Mom: “Dylan last night you broke curfew; curfew is 10:00 p.m. (FACTS) (Rule: Dylan repeats-I broke curfew, curfew is 10:00 p.m.). I think midnight is too late and I think you push it on purpose (JUDGMENT) (Rule: Dylan repeats-you think midnight is too late and that I push it on purpose). I feel angry but also afraid for you to be out that late (FEELING) (Rule: Dylan repeats-you feel angry and afraid for me to be out that late). I do not want you out past 10:00 p.m., but I hear that you want more time. I am willing to extend curfew to 10:15 p.m. because I do trust you (WHAT YOU WANT) (Rule: Dylan repeats-you don’t want me out past 10:00 p.m. but hear I want more time. You’re willing to let me stay out until 10:15 p.m. because you trust me).”
“I Just Need to Get to Next Level”
If your son is in the 11-13 yr. old range most likely his life revolves around video games!
In this case Caleb and his dad; he is tired of Caleb always playing video games.
Follow rule demonstrated above.
Caleb: “Dad I get yelled at everyday about playing Minecraft (FACTS). I don’t think it’s that big of a deal and I think you yell too much (JUDGMENT). I feel scared when you yell at me (FEELING). I really like playing games and I want you to let me, and also stop yelling about it (WHAT YOU WANT).
Dad: “Caleb playing video games everyday for hours gets on my nerves (FACTS). I think I get so frustrated I take it out on you by yelling (JUDGMENT). I feel angry when you’re always playing games. I’m sad that you are scared when I yell (FEELING). I want you to have time to play video, I don’t want to yell. I am willing to a limit of 2 hours a day (WHAT YOU WANT).
It Will Feel Uncomfortable
I mentioned in resolving conflict blog, this process is not “second nature” and it will feel awkward at first! What I know for sure is that following the steps above can be magical in resolving a conflict. These are examples of conversations with children; but it works the same with spouse, partner and co-workers so don’t hesitate to incorporate it in your everyday life.
As a Licensed Professional Counselor for over 25 yrs. I have taught many couples, parents, families and individuals this conflict resolution process. This method is the best and I highly recommend!
As promised, I’ll provide a video example next week so that you have a visual guide as well.
Were the examples helpful? Will you share your experience?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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February 21, 2017
Parenting Tip: How to Resolve Conflict
Parenting & Conflict
Conflict is a part of life. I know people who thoroughly enjoy conflict and others who avoid it at all costs. One of the cornerstones I cover with adolescent boys and their parents is “conflict resolution.” By utilizing my process the family is able to communicate more effectively and peacefully.
You-You-You
One of the biggest mistakes in a conflict is “you-ing” someone:
“You did that wrong”
“You act like a child”
“You never do what I ask you to do”
“You don’t think things through”
It is the quickest way to escalate a conflict; “you-ing” someone creates a confrontation. It feels like an attack when it’s approached this way versus using “I” statements.
Here’s a quick example:
“I think I would have done that differently”
“I think that was immature”
“I would like you to do what I ask”
“I would like to see you think things through”
“I need you to get this done”
If you have a feeling, say what the feeling is!
Keeping it super simple; remember the big four:
I feel mad
I feel sad
I feel glad
I feel afraid
Healthy Conversation
I teach adolescent boys to take responsibility for issues that upset them and how to resolve. Most of the time those “issues” are with their parent(s).
Basically, in its purest form, it’s understanding that there are two sides to a conflict and it can be discussed more peacefully!
The parents learn the same process. Families are amazed that when approached correctly how easily a conflict can be resolved.
Think about conflicts you’ve had in your life; I would venture to say that if it didn’t go well it was because you didn’t feel you were “heard.” Two things that are inevitable in a conflict is someone isn’t listening and someone isn’t being heard or both(honestly, some people hear funny, and some listen funny)! Ironically, unless you are listening and you are being heard there can be no understanding. If neither can understand each other there can be no resolution.
Practice Makes Perfect
The process is learned so it takes practice. The good news is once you learn and begin to incorporate with your kids, you’ll find it can help at work, with your spouse/partner and generally anytime you find yourself in the midst of a conflict.
Stay tuned! Over the next couple of weeks, I will share more on this subject. We’ll walk through some example conversations, go over the worksheet my clients use and ultimately view a video to bring it full circle.
In the meantime, begin to think of an issue you would like to resolve. As we walk through the process and you begin to practice, please share how it worked out! You’ll wish you had developed this skill years ago.
And the workbook written to accompany Saving Our Sons: A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success, expect to see it soon!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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February 14, 2017
Midwest Book Review Recommends “Saving Our Sons: A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success” for Their Parenting Shelf
Thumbs Up
Getting reviews on work you’ve put your heart and soul into is so gratifying! Don’t we all love getting a thumbs up?
The Quest Project® continues to have one success after the next. One of this week’s highlights was being reviewed by Midwest Book Review.
Established in 1976, Midwest Book Review publishes monthly book review magazines specifically designed for community and academic librarians, booksellers, and the general reading public. MBR literally has thousands of books to consider, it is quite an honor to be selected for their Parenting Shelf.
MBR’s Review
Synopsis: There’s never been a more challenging time to be the mother of a teenage boy. Our young men are currently in crisis, falling far behind their female counterparts in school and in life and failing to learn the lessons they need to survive and thrive in the adult world. With “Saving Our Sons: A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success, veteran psychotherapist and founder of ‘The Quest Project’, Clayton Lessor dedicated to helping parents reverse this trend.
Based on years of research, study and practical application, “Saving Our Sons” provides mothers (as well as fathers and other caregivers) with the expert guidance they need to help their sons navigate the turbulent transition between boyhood and manhood.
“Saving Our Sons” covers such issues as: Why what you’re doing now isn’t working; The wound that all adolescent boys share: The five things a boy needs to grow into a healthy man; What mothers can (and can’t) do to help their sons transition to manhood; How to tell when your son is in trouble, and where to turn for help; An overview of The Quest Project(R), including exercises you can do with your son at home; Case studies of eight young men who have completed The Quest Project; a great deal more.
Critique: Exceptionally well written, organized and presented, “Saving Our Sons: A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success” is thoroughly ‘user friendly’ in tone and practical in application for the non-specialist general reader. While very highly recommended, especially for community and academic library Parenting instructional reference collections, it should be noted for personal reading lists that “Saving Our Sons” is also available in a Kindle format ($4.99).
I look forward to your next title!
James A. Cox
Editor-in-Chief
Midwest Book Review
You may wonder why I would devote an entire blog to this review. The answer is simple. When parents trust me to mentor, guide and assist their son, I want them to know without a doubt, The Quest Project® is the real deal!
Have you read “Saving Our Sons: A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success?” What did you think? I would appreciate if you would take a few moments of your time to post your review on Amazon. A small ripple can create massive waves in the #savingoursons movement originated by The Quest Project®.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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February 8, 2017
Therapy and Group Work: The Importance of a Qualified Facilitator
A Look Behind the Scenes
One thing I have not shared is I’m a facilitator of The Quest Project®. I am in the “trenches” with the boys that come to see me. I do this work myself, I’m good at it. I know how to quickly uncover and get to the wound an adolescent boy carries. Since 2000 I have facilitated over 2000 adolescent boys in their growth and healing!
In recent discussions with several organizations that want to bring The Quest Project® to their city, they were amazed that “I” would be working with the boys. There was an assumption that I would send staff and oversee the work. Not the case! I don’t fly in and spend an hour doing a keynote speech to kick things off and leave the work to someone else, I do the work- it’s my mission! Someday I will have a protégé, in the meantime, I am the one to get this done.
Over the last 2 years, I have given you glimpses into who I am, how I was raised and my journey to doing what I do today.
Why Me?
A quick recap of my education:
Completed my Bachelors in Psychology in 1994,
earned a Masters in Counseling; Thesis topic: “The Effect of Initiation and Mentoring on Adolescent Boys” (Lessor, C., 1998) in 1998, published in peer-reviewed journal “Role of Deceased Mentors in the Ongoing Lives of Protégés,” Omega: Journal of Death and Dying (Lessor, C., & Marwit, S., 2000),
became a Licensed Professional Counselor in 1999.
During a military career and engineering degree! Fast forward to present day: I’ve been in the counseling profession over 25 years and will be confirmed with my PhD in Education; Dissertation topic: “Difference of a Counselor Facilitated Adolescent Boys Group on Behavior” (Lessor, C., 2017) in just a few short months.
I Am On a Mission With No Time to Waste
How I make a difference:
Facilitate two or three age-appropriate The Quest Project® groups a week in St. Louis.
Facilitate The Quest Project® at a local school district with fifty adolescent boys.
In addition, I have begun facilitating The Quest Project® in other cities as a weekend intensive to reach more boys.
In my spare time, I am researching, analyzing and preparing for the next steps that will help these young men and their parents.
Stay tuned for the soon to be released workbook to accompany “Saving Our Sons-A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success.” It will be a resource and guide for parents as a companion to the book.
My Mission:
To Create Healthy Lifestyles by Teaching, Facilitating, Example, and Writing!
What’s your mission? Not sure?
Learn more about missions and their importance:
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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February 3, 2017
Raising Sons: Integrity, Instilling as a Core Value
With integrity, you have nothing to fear, since you have nothing to hide. With integrity, you will do the right thing, so you will have no guilt. Zig Ziglar
I came across this quote recently. I couldn’t get the word “integrity” off of my mind, I ultimately came across this Forbes’ article. It’s a great read, let me know what you think.
Core Value-Integrity
So, what does this have to do with parenting boys? EVERYTHING!
Integrity is so important and I ask you this: “Are you teaching your son the importance of integrity; are you an example for him to follow?” Integrity is one of our most core values. Start now with your child, it will stay with him the rest of his life.
That means when he makes a mistake, and he will, he can trust that he can be honest with you and face the consequences. It also means that you, as his example, will appreciate the honesty and deal with it accordingly.
What a concept!
What a great young man he will grow up to be if he’s taught to do the right thing, no matter what.
Integrity- At All Ages
When my nephew was only three, maybe four years old I took him to the local drug store on a warm summer day. When we checked out and headed to the car, I noticed he was carrying a candy bar. We hadn’t paid for a candy bar. “Hey buddy”, I said, “Did we pay for that?” He just shrugged. I sent him back in to put the candy bar back explaining that we can’t have it if we didn’t pay for it. I watched him toddled back into the store to put it back. Next thing I know I see him put it back and pick up a different one! When he got back to the car I said “Did you pay for that one?” He said “No”. So, what did I do? Of course, we went back in together and put the candy back with a clear understanding if you want something you must pay for it! He didn’t know that candy bars weren’t free, but that’s exactly how you learn.
Now honestly it was the cutest thing I’d ever seen, and the store clerk was barely able to keep a straight face but the lesson was important and a core value was instilled. This is just one example of how to teach integrity.
The Big Three
Integrity covers so many things:
doing the right thing
honesty
trust
Once instilled, it really does set you apart from others. I did a blog on “Birds of a Feather” but I must say I liked how the writer phrased it in the article above “when you lie down with dogs you get fleas!” In other words, it’s important that your son is choosing friends that have the same values as him, otherwise, he’ll get fleas!
Share your experience in regards to integrity- Did integrity shine through, or was it missing?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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January 24, 2017
Raising Sons? Meet Clayton Lessor
Would you like to know who I am and why I do this work?
A Sad Little Boy
My childhood in quiet suburban South City was anything but quiet. I lived in fear of my dad. I spent most of my time at school tired and scared because I’d been awake most of the night before scared to death. So many times, I wished that someone (a teacher, neighbor, pastor, family member) would notice or help, but no one did so I had to learn to handle my circumstances to survive.
Growing Up and Getting By
I realized that “growing up” didn’t mean the pain of my childhood would automatically go away, in fact, it began to worsen. I had no real direction in life except to get away from my home. I remember telling my dad when I was 11 years old that I wanted to be a doctor. He told me to “forget it…I wasn’t smart enough.” I was smart enough I tested with an IQ of 129; I told myself someday I would prove him wrong.
Enlisting in the United States Air Force was an easy decision for me. I was lost with no direction in my life. My buddy and I had a lot of adventures and this would prove to be the biggest and the best! Sure, I was scared, but I’d spent most of my life scared. I did my basic training at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio. Texas. I was good at it. With an abusive Dad, I learned at a very early age how to follow directions and orders to a tee. I completed every task perfectly. The Air Force became my new Dad and mentor.
A Family of My Own
I met my first wife just out of high school. We dated a couple of years. At the age of 20 I was excited and in love, I couldn’t wait to get married and share my life with someone. Unfortunately, the abuse from my Dad didn’t end. I visited my Dad (who had spent his day drinking) while home on a military leave to tell him I was getting married, he went into a rage and began choking me. I could have died. I did get married, I remember being in a state of shock during what should have been a very special time. I wondered if this would ever stop. I rarely spoke to or saw my dad after that. Sadly, after six years my marriage ended; we just didn’t have anything in common anymore.
I did what most newly divorced guys do, I searched for love again. I met my second wife after six months and fell in love again! I received my Officer commission, and I was at the highest point of my life. We married on Veterans Day in grand military fashion with full military honors! We had fun but when life brought some serious issues our way we just couldn’t work through them. Two years later I was divorced yet again.
Help! Please
I realized that I needed therapy. I wanted a male therapist, a mentor, someone that I could relate to. I needed someone who would make me work on myself, not just show up to talk. Males NEED “to do!” I found a counselor who specialized in work with men and he was exactly what I was looking for. He put me to work, hard work to heal the deep wound that was burdening me and my life. I spent an entire year “re-parenting” myself by research, reading parenting books, retreats and a regimen of homework from my therapist. I learned to do and give myself what my parents didn’t.
I began to heal and put meaning to the suffering. I realized that my troubled past would guide me to decide.
I wanted to help others, especially young boys carrying wounds from their fathers. I accepted that my dad was a gift in my life. His abuse and inability to be a good father would make me want to be a better man and teach other young men.
My entire life and career would change. I discovered and formulated my mission: to create healthy lifestyles by teaching, facilitating, writing and example. I returned to school to get my Master’s degree in Counseling. I felt better than I had in years. In my quest to heal myself, I found I could help others and that was rewarding! I spent enormous amounts of time doing research and development. I traveled the country to meet with and co-facilitate various teen programs, constantly learning and growing.
My End Game
And my legacy? The answer to that question is The Quest Project® where I’ve helped over 2000 boys heal. I authored a book entitled “Saving Our Sons” A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. It has been a journey and experience I’ll never forget.
I am happily remarried with two amazing little miniature long hair dachshunds, Pinot-7 and Tawney-2 years old! I live in a suburb of St. Louis with my family. I AM a PhD and very proud of it (you may remember my dad said “forget it….I wasn’t smart enough”)!
And don’t tell my wife, but I’m not finished yet!
Here’s what I’m thinking, facilitating The Quest Project® weekends, a second book and a documentary-there’s still much work to be done and I’m just the guy to do it!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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January 17, 2017
Parenting Boys? 3 Stages of Trouble
When parenting boys, most parents can’t believe their son is troubled. What in the world does he have to be troubled about?
It’s interesting the word troubled can be perceived differently to each of us. An example of two extremes is: “being afraid to talk to a girl (mild),” to “committing a crime (severe).” When I say, every boy is troubled, the only question is to what degree or level. I frequently use this scale as a guide when parenting boys:
severe
moderate
mild
Parenting Boys: The Research
More than 2,000 boys have gone through my program, all were troubled at some level. My research confirms the “trouble” is systemic(related) directly to the relationship, or lack thereof, between fathers and sons. How can that be you ask?
Most of adolescent boys are carrying a wound. Typically, it’s a “dad wound” and that translates to trouble.
What is a “dad wound?” Maybe dad abandoned him emotionally or physically. This wound is the most severe and carries a high level of trouble, if not addressed and dealt with will be carried into his adult life.
Adolescent boys are innately hungry for Dads approval and attention because they are male-dad is male and that equates to an innate draw (the man I will potentially look like). If they don’t receive it, it is one of the most damaging experiences in their young life. Many times, when dad says or does something abusive the boy never gets over it, he carries it-mild to moderate.
Another issue I often see is the boy is being bullied. He would most likely keep that to himself (boys internalize their emotions) and over time, the anger he has will show itself in some form of trouble-severe.
A break-up with a girlfriend, or in general, he feels rejected by his peers leads to mild to moderate trouble. Unfortunately, the list is long but you get the idea.
Parenting Boys: Signs of Trouble to Watch For
emotional changes
sadness or hopelessness
irritability, anger, or hostility
withdrawal from friends and family
feelings of worthlessness, guilt, fixation on past failures
self-blame or self-criticism
trouble thinking or concentrating
ongoing sense that life and the future are grim and bleak
frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
changes in eating and sleeping habits
Better Safe Than Sorry
Troubled boys can be tricky to deal with. It can be hard for a parent to distinguish between normal adolescent mood swings and something more severe.
Do you suspect trouble? Seek out a counselor who specializes in dealing with adolescent boys. In The Quest Project® I work with boys in age appropriate groups for 10 weeks. Through an established set of processes, I can determine what is troubling them and help heal the wound. Talk to his school counselor, a friend or local mental health resource center. Or, make an appointment with your son’s doctor (I don’t advocate medication; I do advocate getting to the root of the trouble and resolving it).
Your son is troubled and you don’t know what to do next? Share your concern, maybe I can help.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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