Clayton Lessor's Blog, page 12
January 10, 2017
Raising a Son: The 5 Things No One Ever Told You About
Raising a son can be difficult, especially if you’re a mom “going it alone.” There is a time in your son’s life that having a healthy male role model is imperative- and that time is when he is transitioning from a boy to a man.
Suddenly, during this time your son acts like he can’t stand to be around you; he acts like he hates your guts. You find yourself saying something like “where did my sweet little boy go?” Don’t give up, this is a critical time when raising a son and he needs you.
Raising a Son: The Transition from Boy to Man
When a boy transitions from boyhood to manhood he feels he must break away from his mother and learn to stand on his own two feet. He begins to look for answers to the question, “Who is the man I’m going to become?” He needs a male role model around to help him figure this out.
Mom: your adolescent son who was terrified to leave your side is being drawn to the new world of men. It’s the biggest challenge a boy faces: separating from his mother. You’ve taken care of him and made darn sure he felt loved, even when he didn’t want it. Down deep he doesn’t want to let you go either, but he needs to, he’s transitioning.
Dad: your adolescent son needs you now more than ever. You have suddenly become the most important person in his life. He is curious about and observing everything you do, and how (even in osmosis) you do it. It’s your turn to “take the reins!”
Raising a Son: The 5 Things He Needs
First, he really needs is a healthy male role model to mentor him. If dad is active in his life that’s great, if not a good friend or relative can help teach him the things he needs to know.
These 5 things will give him a great start:
He needs about 3-5 hours a week minimum – one on one.
Ask him what he wants/likes to do.
Tell him what you want/like to do (compromise leaning toward what you know your son wants!).
Tell stories about lessons you’ve learned – paint the picture – be vulnerable.
DON’T talk at him (sitting face to face); instead talk while doing something-shoulder to shoulder, side by side!
Did anyone ever tell you how important these five things are? I have done the research to support it. I have made it my mission to help parents raise healthy, successful boys. If you can incorporate these, you’ll be on the right track to give your son what he needs.
Please take a minute and share your experiences in the comments below, about your son and the effects it’s had on him of having – or not having – a male role model in his life.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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January 3, 2017
Parenting Boys: What You Need To Know
Are you parenting boys? Is dad active in his life? Do you worry he could be in trouble?
Parenting Boys: Boys Without Fathers
One of the most common issues our boys face is growing up without their father.
According to estimates, one in three boys currently lives in a home without a father or other strong male role model.
Maybe dad does live in the home but isn’t emotionally present because:
He’s working 60 hours a week and has no time for his son
He’s struggling with addiction issues and that impacts the quality of parenting
He’s putting himself first and focuses on sports, friends or other non-family activities
Studies show these boys are more likely than the rest of their peers to:
Drop out of school
Get involved in gangs
Experience trouble with the law
Experiment with drugs and/or alcohol
My research supports that when a boy gets in serious trouble, there’s a very good chance he’s growing up without a father.
70% of adolescent boys in residential treatment centers are fatherless
72% of juveniles in state reform institutions grew up without parents or in single-parent homes
72% of adolescent murderers grew up without fathers
The most shocking…more than 75% of all crime in America is committed by men who were fatherless as children
Parenting Boys: Our Boys Are Suffering
I’m not saying every boy who is suffering is fatherless. Plenty of boys raised by single mothers grow up to be healthy, happy and whole members of society. There are many boys who aren’t any trouble at all that are struggling in school, feeling sadness or depression, having trouble in their relationships with their peers or families. They may even be experiencing physical pain or illness that is caused by mental stress.
I’m going to say something here you might not like. “Over the last 25 years or so, we have ignored our boys.” A significant amount of attention has been focused on girls and young women, which was certainly needed. In the meantime, society has ignored the boys and they’re struggling.
Questions we should be asking ourselves:
Why are they having such a rough time growing up?
Why are so many of them struggling to find their way in the world?
Can the people who care about them, do anything about it?
I say we can! First, we have to agree, accept and decide we’re going to do something about it. This is my mission when I work with boys during the 10- week Quest Project® (a troubled teens program). Look for answers to these questions and more in future blog articles.
In the meantime, I’m curious to know your thoughts about how we can address the epidemic of troubled boys in our society. Please post your comments, questions or challenges in the comments below.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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December 27, 2016
Raising Sons: “Priceless” Co-Parenting Tip
If you are raising sons and co-parenting with your ex, chances are communication is strained at best. Here is a parenting tip I think could be valuable and helpful.
For the best results both parents need to be on same page in both homes-creating a team; more importantly the kids need to know mom and dad are in communication and are going to be consistent!
Introducing the “Logbook”
In the military, we kept a “logbook” so that each shift knew what was done the previous shift. This tool was invaluable for providing insight to what had gone on previously that week or day.
So Here is My Tip When Raising Sons
I’m proposing you keep a “logbook” of sorts with your ex. My suggestion is the logbook is in the form of an email that you send when the child changes households. The email gets sent on transition day prior to the parent picking up the child. It would read something like this:
Monday: “Ethan made the choice to not do his homework today, so he chose no electronics (a natural consequence).”
Tuesday: “Today was a good day, Ethan seemed in good spirits.”
Wednesday: “Ethan didn’t want to go to school today; we worked through it and he went.”
And so forth for Thursday, Friday and Saturday; the logbook should contain information about medications, sports or club activities etc.
Sunday (transition day): “Overall a good week. Ethan’s anger outbursts seem to be getting better and he is looking forward to going to see mom/dad. He hit his brother, choosing not to play video games rest of day (natural consequence).” When mom/dad picks him up at 4:00 p.m. they now have information needed to be consistent.
Raising Sons: Communication Made Easy
Think about this and how it could help! By keeping a logbook, you take away the ability for Ethan to do something at mom’s house that dad doesn’t know about and vice versa.
One of the biggest issues I see are parents arguing that one parent is stricter than the other or that one parent doesn’t know what the other’s week was like. This can take away the frustration of calling or texting each other which can sometimes lead to things unrelated to the child.
It’s tough in these circumstances, I understand. What I know for sure, and through my research and analysis is when kids are involved it’s critical that they have consistency. Communication must happen and this provides a way to do it and limits the opportunity to “get at/ into it with each other!”
Give It a Try
I hope you’ll consider this and take the steps to implement. It’s first and foremost in the best interest of your child and can ultimately help in co-parenting. You have nothing to lose by giving this a try. I have several families that find it very beneficial.
Lastly, negotiate and compromise in private before presenting rules to your children. It is most important to be responsible parents not “good or bad parents!”
What’s your thoughts on this tool? Could it work for you? Do you have a similar communication tool you use? Stop by my Facebook to share your thoughts or questions.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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December 13, 2016
Raising Sons: Parenting Basics-Safety First
Raising Sons: Parenting Basics
As this year draws to a close and I reflect back on the many young men, families and professionals I have met both locally and online, I felt this is a good topic to discuss again. Far too often in my practice I meet families that are in the “cycle of abuse”.
Originally published December 15, 2015:
Following up on my Facebook comments regarding the essay “Black and Blue” by NHL star Patrick O’Sullivan, I have more to say!
Raising Sons: Safety is Priority Number One
If you haven’t read the article mentioned above, I suggest that you do. It’s disturbing on so many levels. My priority in this post is to address the importance of keeping your child safe.
If you are a parent, safety for your child must be your primary concern; not that your spouse might change or get better. Your children not only need to know you will keep them safe, but they also rely on you for safety.
Disturbing And All Too Familiar
Did you know that the earliest and greatest amount of documented abuse in the world historically has been against children? That’s more crimes and abuse than any other population. What’s even more frightening is it’s only occasionally reported, sadly most of the time it is not. Patrick O’Sullivan’s mom had a responsibility to get him out of that house. I can give all sorts of examples and diagnosis for the issues related to his father. And believe me, none of them good. But in this case, my emotion, which was anger and sadness, was for young Patrick who needed someone to keep him safe.
I know from my own personal experience growing up with an abusive father just how the script can go. My mom had the same responsibility to her children as Patrick’s mom. My mom was raised to be a “good Catholic girl” she believed she had to do whatever necessary to make her marriage work. My opinion, no matter your religion, IF YOUR CHILDREN ARE BEING ABUSED-GET THEM TO SAFETY!
Raising Your Son: The Basics
As a parent you commit to providing these basics:
Food
Clothing
Shelter
SAFETY
If the parent isn’t strong enough to provide safety who should? Anyone who witnesses a child being abused has a responsibility to report that abuse. It’s easy to do, there are hotlines set up locally and nationally that provide anonymity – it just takes picking up the phone. In Patrick’s essay, there were several witnesses over the years who had the opportunity to make that call. But no one did. I urge you to not look the other way, if you witness abuse, you have an obligation to help that child.
Change Happens With Us
No child should live with a “black and blue” parent. It’s time to “Save Our Sons!” Your son doesn’t become a better athlete because you’re abusing him daily. He becomes the man he’s meant to be through love, encouragement, and the support of loving parents. He thrives in an environment where he is being mentored and taught by his family. I challenge each and every one of you to take an active role and make a difference for our children.
Are you with me on this? Can we all make a commitment to help keep children safe? I’d like to hear from you.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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December 6, 2016
Your Son Needs Therapy. Find Out How to Afford Help!
My Son Needs Therapy! How Can I Afford That?!?
Raising Sons: Your Health Insurance Could be a Resource
Does your son need therapy? I can’t tell you the number of times I hear a single parent mom say “my son needs therapy, I think he’s in trouble but I can’t afford to get help.”
This assumption can be costly. Here are the steps to take before you assume you can’t afford therapy for your son:
Call your insurance company and simply ask “do I have behavioral and/or mental health coverage?”
What is my co-pay?
Have I met my deductible?
What is the limit?
Your next step is to research and find a Licensed Professional Counselor, preferably one that has experience treating adolescent boys. As an example my clients request authorization to see Clayton Lessor, LPC.
In my practice I conduct an evaluation and assessment on the first visit and determine a treatment plan. One of the options is The Quest Project® which addresses behavioral issues with adolescent boys ages 11-19 in a group setting. I strongly encourage you, if you are that parent that is struggling with a son that you believe may need therapy to make that CALL!
Society has placed a stigma on behavioral/mental health issues. The tendency is to hope they’ll go away or get better on their own. Frankly, sometimes they do however the risk you take by not addressing the issues with a professional can cause damage to your son for a lifetime. As I have shared in my previous blogs and my book, this road often leads to addiction, dropping out of school and even incarceration.
I rarely see a situation where there is not insurance coverage, and since plans vary it’s impossible for me to give you a guide. Make the call and ask the questions. Then make an appointment with a licensed professional counselor for an evaluation and assessment.
In my practice if the client does not have insurance we will work out a payment plan on a sliding scale. The goal is to get the help needed as quickly as possible. Make the call-the money you spend may be the most important investment you can make!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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November 29, 2016
Raising Your Son: the Best Gift to Give
Raising Your Son
Raising your son can be challenging at times. I want you to know the best gift you can give your son. It isn’t a new video game or new pair of jeans, it’s not tangible at all, and it is the best gift you can give!
My Gift to You
The number of boys growing up without a father is staggering. The side effects can be devastating. I make it my life’s mission to give you all the guidance I can to help you while raising your son.
So, what’s the gift? If your son is growing up without dad, he likely has a “void” deep inside that you don’t know exists. While raising your son, you may notice a sadness at times, a fit of anger now and then or he withdraws completely. I see it a lot with boys in my practice The Quest Project®. I call it a “void” because for him that’s how it feels.
When dad is present, he teaches and guides a son and most times fills the void I’m speaking about by validating and encouraging him.
Your Gift to Your Son
Here’s how you can help when dad is absent. The void I’m referring to is a higher power. A higher power can be church, therapy, their gift or a job; ultimately it is a place or something they do that makes them feel loved, blessed or appreciated.
Your gift to him is helping him determine and understand there’s nothing wrong with him and what he’s feeling, under the circumstances, is normal. The next step is getting him connected to what his higher power is in order to fill the void. As an example: if church is his higher power, make sure he can get there on a regular basis to hear the word.
A couple words of caution here:
If you don’t help and guide him he will begin to experiment with filling his void with sex, drugs, alcohol, video games, violence or some other unhealthy option.
Be cautious of the “arm chair” therapist. This person may offer a diagnosis to your son such as “I think you’re depressed,” “I think you’re having issues for this or that reason” or “you need medication to make you feel better.” Information coming from an unqualified person of power can do more damage than good. A diagnosis should be determined by a licensed professional counselor, psychologist or medical doctor only; one qualified to make that type of assessment.
This package may not be wrapped in a big box with a fancy bow but it is priceless for a young man that doesn’t have dad around to mentor him. Does this sound like a gift you’d like to give? If so, find out more about guiding your son, with or without dad being present, in Saving Our Sons- A Parent’s Guide for Preparing Boys for Success, a Mom’s Choice Award recipient.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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November 22, 2016
Raising Your Son to be a Healthy Engaged Adult
What is the key to raising your son to be a healthy engaged adult? My answer is a modern-day rite of passage. Which usually leads to the question “What is a “rite of passage?” It’s a term that most people equate with times past like “sending a boy into the wilderness to learn to survive and reemerge as a man.” As society evolved, we have failed to adapt and incorporate a “rite of passage” when raising sons. I want to remind and reinforce the importance of rites of passage when raising your son.
A Modern Day Rite of Passage done in the right way, led by a healthy male example, will help adolescent boys transition through the next phase of their life with less confusion and turbulence. Most importantly, it will lead to healthy adulthood and teach the lessons a boy needs to be engaged as an adult! This allows you to raise your son to be motivated and successful.
What Is Changing with My Son?
Rite of passage is a transition, and in its simplest terms means “changing from a boy to a man.” Sounds easy enough, right? It should be, but as a society we have gotten away from honoring and recognizing this time in an adolescent boy’s life as we raise our sons.
In my blog, The Quest Project-An Overview, I detail the elements of a Modern Day Rite of Passage. Since most adolescent boys are not being led in a healthy way with a mentor through this process, they and their parents are suffering. Ultimately, boys become men on the wrong path and the result can include drug abuse, addiction, incarceration or domestic violence.
Raising Your Son- The Process
My program, The Quest Project®, provides boys a rite of passage, their transition into manhood. I challenge parents to recognize and work with their sons to guide them through this process. As a parent, you have the best possibility to be the perfect mentor. You may ask yourself, “How can I be a healthy and responsible mentor to my son?” Here are some points to consider:
Do you set goals in your life? Have you considered how important it is to help your son set goals? This can help him overcome obstacles.
You may have heard me say that anger isn’t a bad thing, it’s how you release anger that makes the difference. Teach your son how to release anger by being the example. “Don’t be angry” messages are counterproductive. Medicating or anger management doesn’t allow him to get it out. I recommend getting to what is causing the anger, getting it out in a safe way in order to relieve it!
Conflict is a part of life; teach your son how to resolve conflict in a healthy way.
We all have a gift, it’s what makes us unique and different; does your boy know what gifts he was born with?
Relationships: What does it means to be in a relationship and love someone? The definition of love: Realizing that love is not a feeling. Feeling “in love” is infatuation.
What are your values? Does your son understand a value system and how important it is in his life? When your values are clear, your actions are easy. Values can provide your son a “north star” now and throughout his lifetime.
Do you have a mission statement? Share your mission with your son and teach him how to write his own. Start by having him envision making the world better and adding an action step of how he would get it done. Boys love this exercise! They need a plan!
Lastly you’ll want to recognize the progress and process with either a gift or time that acknowledges the changing from a boy to a man. Let him know you notice the change and that you’re proud of him.
In Closing
You may feel a bit lost or overwhelmed on how to guide your son through this process. I encourage you to pick up my book “Saving Our Sons” A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. My research supports all these steps are very important to raising your son. My experience is they’re not going to ask you how to get through these steps. If you don’t teach them they’ll look to someone else or worse “try to figure it out.” In other words, they initiate themselves the wrong way using drugs, alcohol, sex and violence with peers!
Commit to raising your son into a healthy adulthood! Get started and don’t forget the importance of providing your son a Modern Day Healthy Rite of Passage.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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November 15, 2016
Parenting Tips: Asperger’s Syndrome
As a young counselor, my first work before receiving my masters was working as a case manager and facilitator at Judivine-A Center for Autism. At the same time, I was Big Brother to three emotionally disturbed adolescent boys as a volunteer through Big Brothers/Big Sisters. My training was essential on a basic level and the experience even more so for the work I accomplished working with the behaviorally, emotionally, and socially disordered adolescent population.
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), aka Asperger’s Syndrome
At present and on average, I have a case a month with a client presenting with ASD that at times has not been diagnosed correctly.
What is Asperger’s Syndrome and why is it so hard to get an accurate diagnosis? First thing, it is of utmost importance that a Licensed Professional either a Medical Doctor (MD), Psychologist (PhD), or Counselor/Social Worker (MA, MSW) trained in Asperger’s Syndrome make the diagnosis.
One of the most damaging things that I see in my practice is when a teacher at a school tells mom in front of the student he may “have” Asperger’s Syndrome (ASD).
As a parent, here are some of the signs to watch for:
an insistence on routines
aversion to change
sensory sensitivities (which may interfere with eating, sleeping, and make routine care (e.g., haircuts, dental hygiene) difficult).
In school ASD students exhibit:
difficulties in planning
difficulties with organization
difficulties with change
a lack of social and communication abilities (which may hamper learning through social interaction or in settings with peers).
At present Autism Spectrum Disorder is diagnosed four times more often in males than in females.
What You Should Know and What You Should Do
First of all- this is important-he is not broken because his needs are different! An important need is hugs from his family; a tactile environment is where he will thrive!
I have documented great success in working with ASD boys in The Quest Project®. Based on my experience I can offer the following advice.
If your son is diagnosed with ASD I highly recommend a case manager and/or assigned advocate for your child. A patient advocate shadows the individual and keeps record of changes in behavior, emotion, and community involvement and reports immediately to the case manager. Additionally, an in-home therapist is extremely important as the characteristics of ASD dictates an aversion to any routine changes and potential to regress and need a higher level of care.
Be proactive and insist on the things I listed above at a minimum. I believe with moderate cases of ASD, opting for home schooling is a reasonable choice if at all possible. Additionally, enrolling in an on-going group that teaches social skills, emotional regulation (big), anger management, and communication skills can be helpful. I have documented great success in working with ASD boys in The Quest Project®.
Have you noticed signs of ASD in your son and want more advice? If so, please let me know how I can help.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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November 1, 2016
Parenting Sons- What You Need to Know About ADD/ADHD Medication
Parenting Sons: What You Need to Know About ADD & ADHD Medications
About a year ago I wrote about the diagnosis of ADD and ADHD, a “label” I see far too often in my practice. I continue to see even more problems and concerns with boys being prescribed these medications.
Does He Really Need ADD or ADHD Medications?
Overall ADD/ADHD medications are overused, and commonly prescribed to treat behavior problems. I know because I have worked with 2000+ boys in my practice. Typically, with the behaviors associated with ADD/ADHD there are underlying issues. Some of those issues range from depression to PTSD to an unstable environment. What I’ve also learned in my practice is once the cause is treated, and more importantly dealt with, the symptoms often disappear- without the use of ADD/ADHD medicine.
A great example of the misuse of medicine became apparent in a recent conversation I had with a young man who was attending The Quest Project®. He is taking Adderall, which is prescribed to treat symptoms of ADD/ADHD, he told me he had increased his dosage in order to “help” him wake up in the morning! After further discussion with his parents it became apparent that the real problem here was he wasn’t getting to bed at a decent hour. Why? “Because he has been staying up late on his electronic devices.” per his parents.
This Is Important Information!
Parent’s, don’t just take it from me! There is new research, read this article. On a school night (Sun-Thurs), if your son is playing video games or on his computer it takes a minimum of 1+ hours to “wind down” from that stimulation. He needs 7-8 hours’ sleep and an hour off his devices before hitting the sack; on average that means he should be off the computer or games by:
8:00 p.m. if he’s 11-13 years of age
9:00 p.m. if he’s 14-16 years of age
10:00 p.m. at the latest if older
He doesn’t need medications to “help” wake him up, he needs boundaries and limits!
Parenting Is Hard Work
I see many young boys who are having problems at school and/or at home; many times the school counselor will suggest the parents talk to the boy’s doctor. Remember this, medications treat symptoms not behavior. ADD/ADHD is not a disease, it is a diagnosis resulting from exhibiting characteristics that allow a professional counselor or MD to receive third party payments (i.e. insurance payments). A doctor will make a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD and you’ll be off to the pharmacy with a prescription. Your hope is it will be the “magic bullet” that will fix everything. I am stating that you need to consider counseling first, before putting your child on medication.
Sadly, I’m hearing boys talking about their medications as if it’s normal.
Lastly, consider this. A doctor or psychiatrist is doing you a disservice if they do not recommend counseling when they do diagnose ADD/ADHD and simply prescribe medication only! And most importantly, if your son is prescribed a medication you are administering it, not him! In other words, make sure it’s being used for the purpose intended, not as an aide to “wake up!”
Do you/have you had an experience you’d like to share? Are there any questions you would like to ask? If so, please stop by my Facebook page.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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October 25, 2016
Parenting – 3 Step Process to Develop Your Son’s “Exit Plan”
Parenting, when does it end?
As most parents know, there is no magic age that your parenting duties are over. Some of you may have sons at home that are now adults, maybe even well over the age of 18. So, what is the next step to get him out on his own? Let’s be clear, this is not about “kicking your son out of the house” into a scary world without preparation. It is exactly the opposite-it is responsible parenting, preparing him to be a responsible, independent and healthy adult.
Too many times these days I’m hearing from parents that their son has no motivation or goal; my first response is does he have an “exit plan?”
Here Are The 3 Steps
What is the best time to start the process of exit for your son? The best “exit plan” begins at birth; yes I did say at birth! Think of it like this, when you go to a hospital they start what’s called “intake,” while at the same time they are beginning to work on your “discharge” paperwork. It is a continuous process through the life of your son and takes on a much higher level of importance when he starts high school. Never forget that all lessons learned are preparing your son to be able one day to take care of himself. Why wait, start the process early.
What is the “exit plan” for your son? Have you talked about what he wants/intends to do when he graduates high school, trade school or completes his GED? Will he go on to college, join the military or enter the workforce. If your answer is he doesn’t have “a plan” that’s not acceptable!
What do I say, how do I say it? Communication is imperative as it relates to independence and leaving “the nest.” The conversation should be an upbeat, exciting time in his life. Talk about what he needs from you as he works through this process, here are the basics:
Goal setting!
Block-what’s in the way of his goals?
Tools-what’s needed to reach his goals?
No disruptions/one to one-sync your schedules over dinner, ice cream, coffee, soda or pizza; plan to meet weekly/bi-weekly or monthly. Schedule time and be consistent!
Demonstration of ongoing support without needing each other-that’s the ultimate outcome.
Be prepared to “nudge” him along, he will need that from you. Let him know you have his back and you have confidence in him. This framework will give him vision + action = mission and provides a path to follow towards his exit.
It’s This or That
I’ve written about the epidemic of 26 year olds living at home in the basement playing video games and/or smoking pot. I didn’t make it up; it’s real and it’s disturbing. Why in the world does this happen you ask. Because parents must lay the groundwork and foundation with their son’s and develop the “exit plan” before it’s too late! You don’t have a child so that they can be dependent on you for life-do you?! Raise them to be healthy, happy and independent adults; to be productive citizens and make their life better.
If you happen to be reading this and you’re one of those parents that missed these steps; it’s time to get your son up out of the basement and follow the steps above. It’s not too late although it will be more challenging.
I Can Take Care of My Son
I know many moms out there who don’t like the thought of starting an exit plan, but would rather take care of their kids forever. Let’s be realistic and understand that is becoming a real possibility these days and it’s a disservice to your son (it deters him from becoming a whole person). An “exit plan” makes it safe for your son to grow up knowing he has the support of a significant caregiver-YOU!
I’d like your comments, even if it’s to tell me how difficult this is. Feel free to share your comments and/or questions at my Facebook page.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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