Clayton Lessor's Blog, page 13
October 18, 2016
To Spank or Not to Spank? A Parent’s Guide on Spanking
Spanking- One of the more controversial parenting topics. Recently I had a twitter follower ask for my “view” on spanking. What a great topic! I know many have passionate views on spanking- on both sides of the fence. Quite a few other parents wonder “What is right? Should I spank or not spank?”
Teaching A Toddler Right from Wrong
I hear this often, “There’s no owner’s manual to refer to when you have a child!” Many times we’re left to our instincts or purely by doing “it” the way our parents did. Many times that is appropriate. But what happens when you didn’t have a good role model to follow and you want to be a better parent?
When a small child (toddler) is developing they have no sense of right and wrong. They don’t know that a flame is hot or that cars can hurt. They don’t know that strangers can be dangerous and dogs can bite. As a parent, it’s crucial you instill right and wrong, good and bad, safe and dangerous.
My Belief on Spanking
The best way to share my belief on spanking is to share a few examples.
If a small child reaches out to touch a hot flame and you say “No-no, don’t touch that, it will burn” and the child looks at you and smiles and proceeds to stick his finger toward the flame. This is a time I do support a swat on the butt to make sure you have the child’s immediate attention repeating “I said no-no, don’t touch that, it will burn;” if you don’t get his immediate attention, he gets burned and that’s worse.
You have your toddler by the hand and you’re about to cross a busy street, he is pulling and tugging trying to break away. You swat his behind and say “No-no, you do not ever do that” to get his immediate attention and send the serious message of potential harm; you want him to fear being hit by a car.
My rule of thumb on spanking is this: If a swat on the butt keeps your toddler safe and/or alive and it was the only means by which you could get his immediate attention then you aren’t hitting to be hitting, you’re getting his immediate attention to keep something worse from happening.
Spanking: A Touchy Subject
I grew up with an abusive father and I do not condone hitting and spanking as punishment. I do support keeping a child safe. In the scenarios above that may mean getting his immediate attention which will ultimately save his life.
I welcome your comments and questions on my Facebook page. I know there are many views on this subject, I would love to hear yours!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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October 11, 2016
Sons in Crisis Means “Pay Attention!”
Is your son in crisis? He is saying “Pay attention!”
The word “crisis” appears with regularity in America’s culture these days. It seems just about every problem and situation can be evidence of something much larger that demands our immediate attention.
If There’s Trouble-Then There’s Crisis
I believe we have a different sort of crisis on our hands. It is prevalent yet receives little media attention. Our boys are in trouble and it’s not getting any better. As a society we’re failing our boys. I have worked with more than two thousand boys, aged 11 to 19, since 1996 and have witnessed the complete range of problems boys face today, from bullying to heroin addiction, with all the painful and destructive forces in between.
It’s why I wrote Saving Our Sons – A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. This is more than “we’ve got problems”. It provides answers, none of them easy. They are workable solutions for moms and dads to help them understand their sons and, just as importantly, what needs to be done, as quickly as possible.
“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” by Frederick Douglass
That quote has been my guiding principle as I developed The Quest Project®, a program to build strong children. In this case, boys on their way to becoming men. After twenty years, more than 2,000 boys have graduated from The Quest Project®. They have transitioned from troubled teens to productive adults. One boy told me he wanted to be a serial killer. He is now a lawyer. It’s not easy getting them there, but I know it’s worth it. And it’s incredibly important, especially in today’s world.
Drugs Are Worse Than Ever
Today’s world: not a pretty picture in much of America’s society. This is evidenced by the growing epidemic of heroin use among young people. No longer the drug of choice in low-income neighborhoods, inner cities, fringe criminal elements, heroin has invaded every state with devastating results. The numbers are alarming. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has found that heroin use during 2011-2013 increased 62.5% since 2002-2004. In 2014, more than 900,000 adults and young adults ages 12 and older used heroin in the past year. The growth in heroin use is being driven by young adults ages 18 to 25.
The numbers are staggering. My community is becoming overwhelmed with heroin- chances are yours is too. Most parents don’t know where to turn or how to deal with a son who displays signs of drug use. In my recovery work with boys, we identify “the wound” – a traumatic event – to understand what is going on- the root of the addiction. It is imperative that this takes place, so we can approach the situation in a straightforward manner. I’m convinced it is the only way we can save our kids.
The Root of the Matter
The root of the crisis is the “Absent Father.” Boys who grow up without fathers grow up at a disadvantage. The numbers tell the story.
70% of adolescent boys in residential treatment centers are fatherless.
72% of juveniles in state reform institutions grew up without parents or in single-parent homes.
72% of adolescent murderers grew up without fathers.
75% of all crime in America is committed by men who were fatherless as children.
The solutions are not quick and easy. These problems cannot be fixed with a couple of consultations or a prescription from the family physician. The Quest Project® provides a road map to healing, a way to save our boys. It includes a modern “Rite of Passage.” This is a critical time in a boy’s life, and parents need to be aware of their son’s needs and their parental obligations.
I fear we will see further deterioration of the situation unless parents take immediate steps. For instance, one out of three boys currently lives in a home without a father or another strong male role model. This doesn’t necessarily mean that “Dad” has left the building. It also can mean that, although dad is there physically, he is absent emotionally. He doesn’t have time to spend with his son. He works long hours, is divorced and feels shut out, or he leaves it up to Mom. Maybe his son doesn’t act like he wants to be with him.
The Four Letter Word-Time
One of the keys is “time.” I recommend fathers spend at least three to five hours a week with their sons, one-on-one. Being a father can be a burden at times, but it is a role that must be taken seriously.
Unlike many academics, my work has been developed through personal experience. I was the oldest of three kids in a working-class family. My father was the classic example of the “Absent Father.” He was an alcoholic who physically and mentally abused my mother, my siblings, and me.
My childhood was a nightmare and I floundered in school because of PTSD. The majority of my youth was spent walking on egg shells. I was just a little boy yet I was tasked with keeping my brother and sister safe. But I fought back, determined to escape the pain and damage, to turn away from the bleak future that possibly lay ahead. I wanted to put meaning to my suffering, to find solutions. I joined the Air Force, began to develop as a man, and eventually discovered my calling: create healthy lifestyles by teaching, facilitating, and example.
Healing is a journey. It doesn’t happen all at once. Would you agree?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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October 4, 2016
Parenting Tips: Quick Tips for Parenting Young Men 17-19 Years Old
I’ve been sharing with you “5 quick tips for parenting” boys 11-13 and 14-16 years old. This age group is unique and I’ll tell you why. They are or should be young adults at this point. They do still need parenting and more importantly, he needs help outlining “critical next steps” and his “exit plan.”
Why do I have to be home by midnight-“I’m an adult, you can’t tell me what to do.” I’m pretty sure you’re hearing that every weekend!
My advice: Setting a curfew is a perfect example of boundaries and limits. Not to mention, you need to be able to relax and fall asleep knowing he’s home and he’s safe. In order to learn in life not everything is “free will” it’s vital he learn boundaries and limits.
I don’t know what I want to do, “I’ll figure it out-don’t worry about it.” So when will that happen, after you’re done playing video games?
My advice: Setting goals, planning, moving forward and growing. This is when you (parent, guardian, relative) must mentor him. I see young men in various situations, some have to work if they want to go to college or have gas money or saving for a car. Some don’t. I promote young men having a job of some kind, and that is something you can decide on together. Volunteering or some kind of club involvement is also highly recommended. It teaches giving and helping and community.
It’s no big deal, everybody is doing it-“I only tried/did it once.” Sure, and I was born yesterday!
My advice: Sex, drugs, and alcohol are in some cases a part of his life at this age. If you’ve been open and honest with him about the risks, continue to do so; if you haven’t, do that now. I would be hard pressed to believe he hasn’t had exposure to one or more of these. He still needs a parent’s guidance and experience to help him with the many enticements our society provides.
I’m fine just staying here at home for a while, “I’m tired of school and I don’t like my job.” Well, me too at times, what’s your point!
My advice: His Exit Plan! This is best coming from dad to son (if dad is absent, mom can fill in); in my experience, it resonates better from dad but most important is that it gets done! Dad, he needs acknowledgment from you on his achievements. He is ready at this age to begin transitioning to manhood and that means “making his own way.” Talk to him about how that is done. Share examples of how you did it, how you “struck out on your own.” Staying at home with you without responsibilities is not what he needs. Again, as you’ve heard me say before, teaching responsibility and independence is what helps us succeed in life. You instill that now so that he has the best possible chance of success as an adult. This is a topic that deserves its own blog; stay tuned I’m going to give you an entire blog post on “The Exit Plan.”
Seek counseling if: he seems depressed, signs of drug or alcohol abuse or any addiction.
What have you taught your son about integrity, honesty, responsibility, commitment, love, community, and personal-growth? Will you share your experience here?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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September 27, 2016
Parenting Tips: 5 Quick Parenting Tips for Boys 14 to 16 Years Old
Continuing the series on parenting tips, let’s talk about 14 to 16-year-old boys this week. Boys, or more appropriately at this age- young men – begin to pull away from dad as well as mom. Most of the time they think they know everything!
5 Parenting Tips for Boys 14 to 16 Years Old
He not only wants his “space,” he demands it. You most likely are hearing that you “don’t know anything” or ” you don’t know what you’re talking about,” unless of course he’s old enough to drive and wants to borrow the car!
My advice: To an extent give him some space. He’s learning independence and that’s a good thing. Everything in moderation. Keep your eye on him and pay attention to who he’s hanging out with (at age 15 he’ll have a friend with a car) and ALWAYS know/meet his friends’ parents.
Testosterone – it’s at high levels right about now. Need I say more!
My advice: A critical time for him. If at all possible, he needs dad or a healthy male role model to identify with his feelings. If that’s not an option, encourage sports or activities where he can work off this surge of hormones. Best if that’s not with his girlfriend!
Physical challenges toward mom (female) should be taken seriously. As an example: in your face form of intimidation, you must have a serious conversation with him being clear that behavior is not acceptable. Also be clear that if there is a next time, you will involve the authorities. This is the beginning of domestic violence and needs to be “nipped in the bud!”
Hanging out and playing video games. Why can’t you just “chill” and let him play!
My advice: Some gaming is okay, in fact, I recommend you play with him at times. He gets a sense of competition and achievement when he’s playing games or sports. That’s not all bad, it’s when you allow him to play for hours that it’s bad. Boundaries and limits set a reasonable amount of time for games. Yes, son, there’s life outside of your room!
His grades aren’t what they used to be, and he has no clue what he wants to be or do with his life.
My advice: Now is the time to start to setting goals and direction for his future. I see many great young men start to allow their grades to falter at this age. He thinks girls and games are more important. It’s imperative you connect with him on his goals and do goal setting. Remember just like playing games, males innately want to achieve that “next level” so make sure you help him focus on his next level in life-adulthood (his exit plan)!
He is most likely experimenting with sex, drugs, and/or alcohol so BE ON YOUR TOES. I agree he’s too young, but let’s keep it real!
My advice: Some of the boys I see in this age group have either experienced sexual intercourse or some form of oral sex. They have tried drugs or alcohol. Ignoring it won’t change things. It’s important to discuss the risks and don’t forget any of them. Be sure he feels the impact of the many scenarios he could face. I recommend these conversations come from dad or another safe male.
Safe talk from a parent is mentoring. The #1-way boys learn is by example (mentoring) which can be silent. What that means is you are present physically and doing the right thing!
Any sign of suicidal or homicidal ideation requires that you get him to a counselor or hospital for evaluation.
At this age, your boy is on the brink of adulthood and it’s critical to treat him accordingly. Do you have a comment or parenting tip you’d like to share about your son at this age?
Learn more about how to prepare your boy for success!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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September 20, 2016
Parenting Tips: 5 Quick Tips for Boys 11 to 13 Years Old
I get questions all the time from moms and/or dads looking for parenting tips about what’s happening with their son. After working with over 2,000 boys during the past 20 years, I’ve just about seen it all! I thought it would be good to share some insight into some of the most common situations I’m working with, to answer some of the questions I hear the most and provide some quick parenting tips.
The Quest Project® groups are age appropriate, 11 to 13, 14 to 16, and 17 to 19 year-olds.
5 Parenting Tips for Boys 11 to 13
His “journey” to manhood starts now! At this age, he is full of awe and wonder. He is beginning to feel changes taking place, and yes it’s scary for him. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he’d rather you leave him alone and mind your own business!
My advice: Be patient, set good boundaries and limits and respect the process. Give him space his behavior is going to change and he isn’t going to be the sweet little boy you’ve grown accustomed to.
And most important, LISTEN for “the gift ” (his passion).
He is innately watching dad – all the time! That’s right dad, he’s watching your every move whether you realize it or not. He’s deciding if he’ll fashion himself to be like you or not. He will be paying attention to how you handle a disagreement with someone. How you change the oil in the car or fix the leaky faucet.
My advice: LET HIM! Please give him time; a minimum of 3-5 hours a week to just be with you. It’s as simple as that.
Pulling away from mom! This isn’t the end of the world mom; he just needs to be with males at this age. He doesn’t want to be babied-unless he wants to! Your role now is to step back and let him be with dad. A good guide is 60% with dad-40% with mom.
My advice: I struggle this one the most with moms. Most of the moms I’m meeting with are very involved and in many cases are trying hard to be both mom and dad. My advice is consistent on this – a boy at this age needs a healthy male role model/example in his life. Whether it’s dad, grandpa, uncle, coach, stepdad-he needs a man in his life.
He’s acting out – way too much! He’s going to test his boundaries at this age; he’s saying things he doesn’t mean like “I hate you” or “I wish you would leave me alone” and so forth. He is testing you on every level!
My advice: Set very good boundaries and limits; validate his feelings. Work on extinguishing bad behavior and encouraging good behavior. As an example: if you get your homework done, you can play video games for an hour. If you want to go to your friend’s house, you have to clean your room up first. It’s give and take, but more importantly, it’s sticking to the rules.
He is curious about sex (this is closer to 12 – yes I said 12)! I know this is uncomfortable, but pull yourself together, he is beginning to think about sex and that is natural. Sadly, most of the boys I see are getting their information from their peers. That is not a good source!
My advice: Ask that healthy male example in his life to have “the talk” with him-it’s a “guy thing.” Mom, coming from you, it’s just too embarrassing so please have dad take the lead on this one.
I hope this helps. Next week you’ll get parenting tips for boys 14 to 16 years old.
Most of the time when dealing with situations with your son, it takes stepping back and remembering how you felt and acted at the same age. Have you ever done that and thought “it’s a miracle I made it?”
Learn more about how to prepare your boy for success!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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Parenting Tips: 5 Quick Parenting Tips for Boys 11-13 Years Old
I get questions all the time from mom and/or dad looking for parenting tips about what’s happening with their son. After facilitating over 2000 boys over the past 20 years I’ve just about seen it all! I thought it would be good to share some insight into some of the most common situations I’m working with, to answer some of the questions I hear the most and provide some quick parenting tips.
The Quest Project® groups are age appropriate, 11-13, 14-16 and 17-19 year olds. I’ll start with the younger boys 11-13 and give you 5 parenting tips on what’s happening with your boy.
His “journey” to manhood starts now! At this age he is full of awe and wonder. He is beginning to feel changes taking place, and yes it’s scary for him. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he’d rather you leave him alone and mind your own business!
My advice: Be patient, set good boundaries and limits and respect the process. Give him space his behavior is going to change and he isn’t going to be the sweet little boy you’ve grown accustomed to.
And most important, LISTEN for “the gift ” (his passion).
He is innately watching dad-all the time! That’s right dad, he’s watching your every move whether you realize it or not. He’s deciding if he’ll fashion himself to be like you or not. He will be paying attention to how you handle a disagreement with someone. How you change the oil in the car or fix the leaky faucet.
My advice: LET HIM! Please give him time; a minimum of 3-5 hours a week to just be with you. It’s as simple as that.
Pulling away from mom! This isn’t the end of the world mom; he just needs to be with males at this age. He doesn’t want to be babied-unless he wants to! Your role now is to step back and let him be with dad. A good guide is 60% with dad-40% with mom.
My advice: I struggle the most on this one with moms. Most of the moms I’m meeting with are very involved and in many cases are trying hard to be both mom and dad. My advice is consistent on this-a boy at this age needs a healthy male role model/example in his life. Whether it’s dad, grandpa, uncle, coach, stepdad-he needs a man in his life.
He’s acting out-way too much! He’s going to test his boundaries at this age; he’s saying things he doesn’t mean like “I hate you” or “I wish you would leave me alone” and so forth. He is testing you on every level!
My advice: Set very good boundaries and limits; validate his feelings. Work on extinguishing bad behavior and encouraging good behavior. As an example: if you get your homework done, you can play video games for an hour. If you want to go to your friend’s house, you have to clean your room up first. It’s give and take, but more importantly, it’s sticking to the rules.
He is curious about sex (this is closer to 12-yes I said 12)! I know this is uncomfortable, but pull yourself together, he is beginning to think about sex and that is natural. Sadly, most of the boys I see are getting their information from their peers. That is not a good source!
My advice: Ask that healthy male example in his life to have “the talk” with him-it’s a “guy thing.” Mom, coming from you it’s just too embarrassing so please have dad take the lead on this one.
I hope this helps. Next week I’ll give you some parenting tips on the 14-16 year olds.
Most of the time when dealing with situations with your son, it takes stepping back and remembering how you felt and acted at the same age. Have you ever done that and thought “it’s a miracle I made it?”
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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September 13, 2016
Saving Our Sons is a Mom’s Choice Awards® Gold Recipient
Parents raising boys get recommendation from MCA
Saving Our Sons- A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success has earned the prestigious Mom’s Choice Award® as a Gold Recipient!
It was a banner week here at Lessor & Associates! Saving Our Sons- A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success was named a Gold Recipient of the Mom’s Choice Awards®. As you will see in the press release below, this is an arduous process.
I am proud to be recognized by the team at MCA for the groundbreaking work The Quest Project® is doing to help families raising boys. Most of you know my 20+ year journey has been in discovering the keys to raising boys to become successful, motivated men via The Quest Project®. To learn more, visit my blog post The Quest Project® – An Overview.
The Mom’s Choice Awards Names Saving Our Sons- A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success Among the Best in Family-Friendly Books.
Clayton Lessor is honored to announce that Saving Our Sons- A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success has earned the prestigious Mom’s Choice Award® as a Gold Recipient. Having been rigorously evaluated by a panel of MCA evaluators, Saving Our Sons- A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success is deemed to be among the best products / media / services for families.
St. Louis, Missouri: The Mom’s Choice Awards® has named Saving Our Sons- A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success as among the best in family-friendly media, products, and services. The MCA evaluation process uses a propriety methodology in which entries are scored on a number of elements including production quality, design, educational value, entertainment value, originality, appeal, and cost.
“I am thrilled to earn the Mom’s Choice Awards Honoring Excellence Seal of Approval,” says Clayton Lessor. “I know all the great things the MCA does to connect consumers, educators, and caregivers with the best products, media, and services available for families. It is exciting to know families all over the world raising boys will now have a chance to hear about Saving Our Sons and The Quest Project®.”
The Process
To be considered for an award, each entrant submits five (5) identical samples for testing. Entries are matched to evaluators in the MCA database. Evaluators are bound by a strict code of ethics not only to ensure objectivity but also to ensure that the evaluation is free from outside influence. The five evaluations are submitted to the MCA Executive Committee for final review and approval.
“Our aim to introduce families and educators to best-in-class products and services,” explains Dawn Matheson, Executive Director of the Mom’s Choice Awards. “We have a passion to help families grow emotionally, physically and spiritually. Parents and educators know that products and services bearing our seal of approval are high-quality and also a great value. The MCA evaluation program is designed to incorporate the expertise of scientists, physicians and other specialists; but we also engage parents, children, educators, and caregivers because they are experts in knowing what is best for their families.”With the evaluation now complete, the sample books evaluated will be donated to schools, libraries, hospitals and nonprofit organizations.
With the evaluation now complete, the sample books evaluated will be donated to schools, libraries, hospitals and nonprofit organizations.
About the Mom’s Choice Awards® The Mom’s Choice Awards® (MCA) evaluates products, media, and services created for children, families and educators. The program is globally recognized for establishing the benchmark of excellence in family-friendly media, products, and services. The organization is based in the United States and has reviewed thousands of entries from more than 55 countries.
Around the world, parents, educators, retailers, and members of the media look for the MCA mother-and-child Honoring Excellence seal of approval when selecting quality products and services for children and families.
Learn more about the Mom’s Choice Awards by visiting their website: www.MomsChoiceAwards.com.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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September 7, 2016
The Journey of a Thousand Miles
The Journey of a Thousand Miles
I know what you’re thinking! Here he goes talking about his book again! Well, it certainly has been an adventure, but I’d like to share what the last few years have entailed in my personal development. And more importantly what I mean by “the journey of a thousand miles;” it’s writing a dissertation. And I want you to know exactly how serious I take my work.
I Passed!
In addition to writing and publishing my book Saving Our Sons, I’ve been studying for a Ph.D. in Education. Over the last month I have been writing, researching and I’m proud to say I PASSED the comprehensive exam for my doctorate degree.
I’m going to be very honest and real with you. There were moments when I wished a University had awarded me an “honorary doctorate” because I could have added years to my life! But that’s not who I am.
How I Got Here:
Made sense of my own suffering in childhood through therapy
Discovered my life mission by understanding my gift
Obtained a Psychology degree and focused on adolescent boys with developmental needs
Became a licensed counselor with a Master’s Degree and wrote a thesis on adolescent boys
Developed The Quest Project®-A Modern Day Rite of Passage with years of success (2000 graduates since 2000)
Have nearly completed my Doctorate Degree on scientific theory supporting what adolescent boys need
Being A Part of the Solution
I not only want to understand the science behind what I do, I want to give adolescent boys the very best of what they need to be healthy young men. And, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I have given over 25 years of my life to this work.
My dissertation is titled The Difference of a Ten Week Counselor Facilitated Adolescent Boys Group On Behavior. The importance of it all is this, not only do I work with boys in The Quest Project®, this will be my second published scientific peer-reviewed journal on the very subject of the mission I live and stand for.
I am committed and will advance this research to present to the academic world the reasons boys are struggling during adolescence by compiling, evaluating and defending the data that supports what boys need.
I Know Because I’ve Been There
As a young man, I knew that I was missing something very important in my life, and I knew if I needed “it” there had to be many more young men just like me. The “it” turns out to be that boys need to be raised and “initiated” by a healthy male role model and example. Preferably there’s a father to guide them, but as we all know that is becoming a rarity, which leaves a boy in a state of dual ambivalence and that is basically STUCK!
I’m proposing that we don’t ignore the issue, or keep stating it over and over and defer to someone else for the resolution. We need to do something about it. At home, at school, and as a community, together let’s make the changes needed before it’s too late.
Are you with me?
Saving Our Sons was released on September 1, 2016. The book is now available on Amazon.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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The Journey of A Thousand Miles
Saving Our Sons, the Backstory
The Journey of A Thousand Miles
I know what you’re thinking! Here he goes talking about his book again! Well, it certainly has been an adventure, but I’d like to share what the last few years have entailed in my personal development. And more importantly what I mean by “the journey of a thousand miles;” it’s writing a dissertation. And I want you to know exactly how serious I take my work.
I Passed!
In addition to writing and publishing my book Saving Our Sons, I’ve been studying for a Ph.D. in Education. Over the last month I have been writing, researching and I’m proud to say I PASSED the comprehensive exam for my doctorate degree.
I’m going to be very honest and real with you. There were moments when I wished a University had awarded me an “honorary doctorate” because I could have added years to my life! But that’s not who I am.
How I Got Here:
Made sense of my own suffering in childhood through therapy
Discovered my life mission by understanding my gift
Obtained a Psychology degree and focused on adolescent boys with developmental needs
Became a licensed counselor with a Master’s Degree and wrote a thesis on adolescent boys
Developed The Quest Project®-A Modern Day Rite of Passage with years of success (2000 graduates since 2000)
Have nearly completed my Doctorate Degree on scientific theory supporting what adolescent boys need
Being A Part of the Solution
I not only want to understand the science behind what I do, I want to give adolescent boys the very best of what they need to be healthy young men. And, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I have given over 25 years of my life to this work.
My dissertation is titled The Difference of a Ten Week Counselor Facilitated Adolescent Boys Group On Behavior. The importance of it all is this, not only do I work with boys in The Quest Project®, this will be my second published scientific peer-reviewed journal on the very subject of the mission I live and stand for.
I am committed and will advance this research to present to the academic world the reasons boys are struggling during adolescence by compiling, evaluating and defending the data that supports what boys need.
I Know Because I’ve Been There
As a young man, I knew that I was missing something very important in my life, and I knew if I needed “it” there had to be many more young men just like me. The “it” turns out to be that boys need to be raised and “initiated” by a healthy male role model and example. Preferably there’s a father to guide them, but as we all know that is becoming a rarity, which leaves a boy in a state of dual ambivalence and that is basically STUCK!
I’m proposing that we don’t ignore the issue, or keep stating it over and over and defer to someone else for the resolution. We need to do something about it. At home, at school, and as a community, together let’s make the changes needed before it’s too late.
Are you with me?
Saving Our Sons was released on September 1, 2016. The book is now available on Amazon.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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August 30, 2016
Saving Our Sons Sneak Peek – Ethan (A Case Study)
I want to introduce you to a fine young man who worked very hard to overcome his anger. Ethan’s story is one of eight case studies in Saving Our Sons.
The following excerpt is from Chapter 11: Ethan. I hope you find value in this glimpse at the deep benefits of The Quest Project®.
“Ethan”
The most difficult week was when Ethan was challenged to get in touch with his anger and then do the scariest thing he could possibly imagine—let it out physically.
Ethan: The hardest thing of all was when we had to open our wounds up to heal them back again the proper way. That was definitely the hardest emotionally and physically, because there’s a part of it where we would have this punching bag, and he would hand you a bat. Put you in your anger zone.
I actually was very scared. I told Clay, I looked him in the eyes and said, “I don’t know if I can control it.”
This was during the Anger Song exercise that I’ve written about in previous chapters. I knew Ethan needed to experience this exercise.
Despite all of those outward expressions of rage that terrified his mother and his sisters, there was even more rage that he was holding inside. And beneath that, there was pain—pain from being raised in a home where he didn’t feel safe, with a father who hurt him. If he was going to get better, he needed to confront that pain.
Ethan: He said, “Trust me,” and I was like, “Okay, I’ll trust you on this. You haven’t failed me yet. I’ll figure this is a good place to trust you.”
Ethan picked up the bat and let go.
Ethan: I got angry at my father because, no offense to him, he was the main reason.
I almost broke the bag.
The experience of being allowed to express anger at his father with no threat of repercussion, being allowed to confront the deepest source of his pain in a completely safe environment, was extremely emotional for Ethan.
Ethan: I came 1.2 seconds from bursting into tears.
The Anger Song exercise is a highlight of The Quest Project®, because most adolescent boys are angry on some level—at being pushed away from their mothers and out into the big, scary world, at the very least. The majority of boys in the program have additional wounds that make the transition to manhood more difficult.
Even the boys who don’t seem outwardly angry benefit from the opportunity to touch their deepest feelings and let their anger out.
Ethan: I felt very relieved. Of course, I was tired, but I felt very relieved emotionally.
As Ethan progressed through the weeks of the program, his mother also learned better ways to help him deal with his anger. A family is a system, and when one part of that system (the boy) changes, the other parts need to change as well. Ethan’s mother needed to learn new ways to deal with her son.
The official release date for Saving Our Sons is September 1, 2016. The book is now available for pre-ordering on Amazon.com.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a PhD candidate in private practice. He is author of the forthcoming book, “Saving Our Sons” A Parents Guide to Preparing Boys for Success. Clay has seen over 1800 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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