Clayton Lessor's Blog, page 4
July 31, 2018
Raising Sons-Is He Bully or Bullied?
When a parent makes the decision it’s time to get a professional opinion; when their son exhibits signs of trouble, it’s critical they be open to the feedback of the professional and keep an open mind!
Let me give an example.
Dealing with A Bully
As a parent you are very concerned, as you should be, if your son tells you he’s being bullied. During the assessment with a qualified professional, you discover your son IS the bully. Now you’re faced with a situation that you weren’t prepared for.
How would/could that happen? After all, that was not what your son had confided to you. What happens now is crucial.
Sometimes, certainly not every time, if a kid is being bullied they will power up and decide to become a protector for other kids they perceive as being bullied. They in essence become a bully themselves by taking matters into their own hands; and to be blunt that’s “way out of their pay grade!”
Teaching Boundaries
The message parents want to convey to their child is to report those situations to a teacher or coach, versus supporting or being “proud of them” for interfering or taking the matter in their own hands. That’s a recipe for disaster.
This isn’t to be confused with showing empathy and helping others, this is a serious situation that requires adult attention and intervention. By reporting what they’ve seen to an adult is how they can help.
When it feels it isn’t doing any good, keep reporting, keep bringing it to an adult’s attention; going up the “chain of command” if necessary. You as the parent should do the same thing on your child’s behalf. It’s your responsibility not his!
In this example the parent was unknowingly supporting their son bullying others. The parents response was, “I encourage my kids to do the right thing.” I couldn’t agree more, generally that’s an expectation of parenting. However, as children grow, and more and more circumstances are presented we must have conversations and teach boundaries. In this example, it’s out of their sons control and potentially dangerous.
A Word of Caution
As an advocate for children for the past 20+ years, there’s nothing more disturbing than dealing with a boy that’s being bullied. It can cause years of pain and destroy confidence. I’ve met parents that struggled to get the attention of school administration; they didn’t give up, they just kept trying until someone listened. The caution here is not to put the burden on your son; he’ll either get hurt or hurt someone else and either way it would be a tragedy.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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July 24, 2018
A Story of Volunteerism
Would you be surprised if I told you a story about seven young men, ages 11-16 working every Saturday in a garden?
Charity Patch is Born
Five years ago, my wife and I set out to “find” an initiative we could get behind that would allow us to give back to the community. Long story short, we started a non-profit called Charity Patch. We grow vegetables and donate them to the local food pantry so that their patrons have access to fresh produce.
It’s hard work but the payoff is huge; when you make a delivery and the families are so excited to see baskets of fresh veggies!
What’s My Point?
Where am I going with this? Well most of you know I work with pre and post teen age boys. They come through my program, The Quest Project, for a myriad of reasons, anger, addiction, divorce, socialization, failing grades etc., basically there’s a problem.
This year a group of young men from the program decided they would like to volunteer to garden Charity Patch! And they have! They have shown up every Saturday since they planted their seedlings. They come to weed, tie up, and to wield the dreaded garden hoe! They show up!
We’re teaching these young men responsibility, empathy, sustainability, volunteerism, camaraderie, teamwork and the personal satisfaction of what a hard day’s work feels like. Some of the young men hadn’t considered what they would do if they had to grow food in order to eat. They also didn’t know that food pantries rely on donations to feed the less fortunate. That most food pantries are limited to canned and boxed foods due to their ability to store and preserve it.
You Can Do It Too
I began thinking about this at length. Boys are gaming and glued to phones and internet; but not while they’re working in a garden. What would it be like if more people took an interest and started a project to help the needy?
Five years ago, my wife and I didn’t have the space for a garden when we started Charity Patch; we asked the owner of an empty lot if we could use it to garden! He said yes. I didn’t let the fact that my yard wasn’t big enough stop me, I used some imagination and it paid off.
Watching these young men parade down the steps of the pantry with baskets full of food fills me with pride and joy! The smiles on their faces knowing “they did the work” is priceless.
I challenge anyone reading this to think about doing what we are. Start a garden, do it with other parents and get the kids outside and busy. Teach them how to plant, grow and care for a garden. Donate some or all to your local food pantry; they’ll learn valuable lessons of volunteerism and empathy.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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July 17, 2018
Dr. Clay on The Tom Roten Morning Show
Can you spare a few minutes to listen to my recent interview with Tom Roten of The Tom Roten Morning Show? I think you’ll find it helpful; we cover many important topics.
What We Talk About
Feel pressured to plan summer break with the kids?
Anxiety and stress.
Developing an “exit plan” with your son.
Do you know your son’s passion, his “gift” and how to recognize it?
Responsibility
The Quest Project Manifesto©
Tom’s a father of four boys, he is committed to helping parent’s raising sons.
Dr. Clayton Lessor – author of “Saving Our Sons”
Listen to my talk with Dr. Clay on raising boys and being stressed out because your kids are on Summer break!
Tom Roten Morning Show
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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July 10, 2018
The Quest Project-A Young Man’s Testimony
There is no better compliment or greater satisfaction than receiving a testimonial from one of my clients. Typically I hear from a parent, in this case, it comes from a 16-year-old young man!
Testimonial
“The first time I stepped into Dr. Lessor’s office I had a lot of thoughts on my mind. The relationship between my mom and I has been rocky for a while and I always saw it as normal but, after realizing that it had gotten out of hand, I came to him seeking guidance around our relationship and my anger. I then made the choice to join the Quest Project. The Quest Project really helped me learn to deal with and come to terms with all of my emotions and relationships. Each Monday I was excited to learn about myself and learn ways to relieve my anger, stress, sadness etc. through methods that would greatly benefit me throughout the rest of my life. Dr. Clay was helpful and he opened the doors for me to be able to fix the relationship with my mom, maintain relationships with my friends, make new relationships and become a man I am grateful for the Quest Project, as it helped me in ways I didn’t think were possible for me After the ten week of being in the program I made memories that will last a lifetime and built habits to cope with the stress and anger that come with becoming a man.”
He’s Not Alone
Many adolescent boys deal with anger towards their mom, particularly when he begins to transition from boyhood to manhood. He is breaking away from his mother and learning to stand on his own two feet. He begins to look for answers to the question, “Who is the man I’m going to become?” He wants (needs) a male role model, hopefully that’s Dad, around to help him figure this out.
It’s the biggest challenge a boy faces: separating from mom. He may feel angry, sad, afraid or all three.
Help and Hope
The young man who wrote this testimonial has a goal of becoming a journalist someday. He has the talent to make it happen. The work he and many other young men (over 2000 since 2000) do in The Quest Project® prepares them for their future.
The Quest Project® is a 10-week Modern Day Rite-of-Passage program that provides these elements:
a safe group with facilitator/mentor
goal setting and the block
tools needed for a healthy life
wound work
anger management
conflict resolution
gift
life mission
relationship & values
graduation – community involvement
I’ve been doing this work for more than 20 years. When I get feedback like this, and witness transformation in the young men, it motivates me to do another 20 years!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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July 3, 2018
The Quest Project® Manifesto
As a 20+ year retired Captain of the United States Air Force it goes without saying I love my country and am proud to be an American!
Where else do you have the opportunity to be who you want to be, achieve your goals and debate your beliefs through freedom of speech.
My observation, we could use more positive; we should be reminded to respect and be respectful!
Life is What You Make It
Some of what I hear, see and read is negative. I feel there is a disproportionate focus on the negative. As a licensed professional counselor, I teach the importance of positive reinforcement in leading a healthy life.
I was abused as a kid by my alcoholic father, I am proof that you CAN overcome your circumstances and environment. I had to seek out a positive mentor in my life and not settle for the negative influence(s) of my dad. I joined the Air Force and served my country because I chose to; I love and appreciate my freedom. I achieved my goals and became a Doctor because I made the choice to work hard and stay focused.
By setting goals and creating my mission: “to create healthy lifestyles by teaching, facilitating, writing, research and example,” I can use the pain of my childhood as an example in helping boys become better men.
The Quest Project Manifesto
A manifesto is “a written statement declaring publicly the intentions, motives, or views of its issuer.”
I created the manifesto to reinforce and remind the men I work with of their responsibility and values!
Upon completion of the 10-week The Quest Project® program, participants declare their intention by reciting The Quest Project Manifesto©.
I hope you’ll take a minute, pause and read it aloud!
As a man among many, I will stand for something.
I will be strong when the world asks me to be strong.
And soft when the world needs me to be soft.
I will make progress, not excuses. I will earn the right to manhood. I will re-earn it.
I will respect women. And I will support my brothers.
We will confront our trauma. Deal with it. Move past it. Grow.
We won’t settle for the immaturity of boyhood, nor the toxicity imposed by society.
We will own our shit and strike the drum of manhood with consistency and resolve.
We will be ourselves, then prove ourselves.
This is my journey. This is our Quest.
We all have made covenants, taken oaths or made a pledge; as Americans we recite the “Pledge of Allegiance!” The common thread is they are a declaration of doing something.
It’s a powerful experience to be in a room with 15 to 20 men declaring their intention. It’s one of the things I’m most proud of!
I hope you’ll pass this on and….”pay it forward!”
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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June 26, 2018
Warning Signs of Opioid Abuse
I’ve written many times about teens addicted to and dying from heroin, smoking pot and drinking. I recently covered the warning signs of suicide. There’s another potential killer you should be aware of, opioid abuse.
I am dedicating this blog to my dear friend who recently lost his 29-year-old son.
Opioids Can Kill
According to the National Center for Health Statistics opioid death rates in teens has climbed 19% in one year.
Be assured, if it’s happening this close to me, it can happen to you. The numbers are staggering. It’s no longer permissible to say, “that only happens to other people.”
In my friend’s case, his son was suffering from a broken bone for which he was prescribed pain killers. Seems innocent enough. In this case it cost him his life.
We’re seeing new legislation that would limit opioid prescriptions for pain. It has been suggested that limiting to a week may avoid the potential for addiction.
The Danger Is Real
I’m going to approach this very straightforward because I am an advocate for children. This is a serious problem among our young (and old) people alike. My hope is that every parent will consider the very real possibility that opioids can invade your life. It’s the only way we can save our kids.
Parents have told me, in all sincerity, “I experimented with drugs, usually pot, and with alcohol and I didn’t form an addiction. I don’t think my son will ever do that!”
Remember these three rules:
First Rule: Drinking before age 21 is illegal. Doing illicit drugs is illegal, and both can kill you!
Second Rule: No two people are the same. Times are different than when you were young!
Third Rule: If either parent has any addictive behavior, it doubles the chances the child will become addicted!
Some warning signs of opioid use are:
constipation
nodding off easily (drowsiness)
shallow or slow breathing
poor coordination
slurred speech
vomiting
mood swings
disinterest in appearance
change in sleep habit
Standing at a Crossroad
Experimenting adolescents will eventually come to a crossroad where they must make a choice. They will say to themselves that they don’t want much to do with smoking pot or drinking. Their other choice is chronic use and a potential gateway to harder drugs, drinking, or other addictive behavior. That’s where my experience is effective.
I can sometimes help with recovery. When I can identify “the wound” (traumatic event) and understand the time, space and what is going on, I can become a much needed resource. Your son or daughter has to be part of saving themselves. It is imperative that this is put right in front of them!
Finally, to my friend who is wracked with the pain and grief of losing his child, my hope is that by telling your story it can save another family from going through such a tragic ordeal.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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June 19, 2018
Warning Signs of Suicide
It seems a day doesn’t go by without hearing about another suicide on the news, from a friend or a client who’s either dealing with the pain of loss or worse, having suicidal thoughts.
Me Too
As a therapist I help clients deal with the devastating effects of death and the loss that accompanies it on a regular basis. I’m also trained and qualified to help clients who may be dealing with losing someone to suicide or are having suicidal thoughts themselves.
I, like most of you, have been directly affected by suicide and lost someone very close to me. Not only was I shocked and full of sadness, I was angry and raw with emotion. Losing a loved one to suicide can leave you broken. I understand. It’s not fair and it’s at times unexpected.
The Stats
Suicide rates are on the rise. Basically 16 out of every 100,000 Americans will take their own life. Alarming.
A very common myth is there’s a link between suicide and mental illness. That is simply not true; the CDC found 54% of Americans who died by suicide had no known mental health illness. We’re all susceptible to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
Life consists of bumps in the road, and at times it tests our resolve. But tomorrow’s a new day, and next week can look completely different than this one! We all have purpose.
Common Causes
There are some “common issues” that can lead to suicidal thoughts or suicide in adults:
relationship issues
financial troubles
economic conditions
deteriorating health
In kids age 5-24 years old, suicide is the second leading cause of death, and in most cases the act- impulsive. Warning signs (adults and kids):
changes in eating or sleeping habits
frequent or pervasive sadness
withdrawal from friends, family and regular activities
emotional symptoms: stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, etc.
for kids: declining grades at school
for adults: calling in sick often, or not working
preoccupied with death and dying
Reach Out for Help
Whether you’re an adult or child and you’re having suicidal thoughts, talking to someone is key. If you don’t have a family member or friend you feel comfortable confiding in, here are the numbers you can call for help.
If you feel it’s an emergency, dial 911
US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868
“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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June 12, 2018
To: Dad
To all the fathers out there who are committed to be the best DAD they can be.
When I refer to fathers in my blogs, I also emphasize and stress the importance of being a “responsible, healthy and safe role model.” More and more fathers are asking me “how do I be a good dad?” My answer is simple, I tell them “be present your son needs you!”
Kids Don’t Come with a Manual
Most dads are “doing it like their dad did-or-just the opposite of their dad.” I believe, for the most part, all you dads are doing the best you can with what you know.
If you think back in time, before the Industrial Revolution, Dads were responsible to show (model) their sons what it takes to be a man. They worked tilling and planting the fields; they shoed the horses side by side, at the same time molding their young sons into men. They taught them the rite-of-passage to becoming a man; and they did it by just being present with their sons.
The Industrial Revolution changed all that. Dad was forced to leave the farms and close their shops. They went to work in mills, factories, and offices to survive and support their family. They put in long hours and didn’t get home in time to spend time with the kids.
Change is Inevitable
That change has continued generation after generation. Each time the next generation of dads gets further away from those early rite-of-passage teachings with their son. Sadly, that’s because they weren’t taught by their father.
Research tells us on average father and son spend about 10 minutes a week together. Divorce is common place. And who is suffering? Our boys. In fact, our boys are in trouble and if not rectified, the results will be devastating.
The Best Tip
So, what’s the magic bullet? There aren’t “5 easy steps” or “10 secret tips” there is only ONE and here it is:
Dad starting at age 11 (that’s the age your son innately turns to you to see the man he is likely to be like) schedule 3-5 hours “one-on-one time” a week with your son; keep this schedule until at least age 16! Even when you don’t feel like it and/or he doesn’t want to–DO IT ANYWAY!
I don’t need to tell you how I think the time should be spent, you know your son so just do it! The bottom line is you could be doing nothing, and he’ll get something he needs from you. Think back to when you were a kid, chances are your sweetest memories are the ones that you and your dad (grandpa, uncle or stepdad) were just being guys together.
I am working diligently on a new book devoted to dad and sons. It’s a great resource if you don’t know where to start so stay tuned!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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June 5, 2018
Raising Sons? He Needs A Plan!
When Tom Roten of The Tom Roten Morning Show called to ask if I’d like to come on his show and talk about the 30-year-old man whose parents were imploring the court to help them “boot him” out of the house, I quickly responded ABSOLUTELY!
Though I cover the topic of having “an exit plan” for your son regularly, Tom knows just how important it is. Not only because he has four boys of his own, he is dedicated to improving lives and the work I do in The Quest Project. You can listen to our conversation here.
From my extensive work with parents and their sons, I know firsthand that the last thing a parent wants is to be in a position to have a court intervene in order to get their son out of the house! If you don’t want to find yourself in such a position, take my advice, start the conversations with your son early!
The best “exit plan” begins at birth; yes, I said at birth!
Think of It Like This
When you go to a hospital they start what’s called “intake.” At the very same time they are beginning to work on your “discharge” paperwork. That means all lessons learned when you have your son (intake) are preparing him to be able one day to take care of himself (discharge). So don’t wait, start the process early. It’s a continuous process through his life and takes on a much higher level of importance when he starts high school.
Plan the “Exit Plan”
Talking about what he wants/intends to do when he graduates high school, trade school or completes his GED? Will he go on to college, join the military or enter the workforce. If your answer is he doesn’t have “a plan” that’s not fair to you or him!
Communication is Imperative
The conversations should be upbeat and exciting about his future. Talk about what he needs from you as he works through this process, be prepared to “nudge” him along, he will need that from you. Here are the basics:
Goal setting -what is it he wants to do?
Block -what’s in the way of his goals?
Tools -what’s needed to reach his goals?
No disruptions/one to one -sync your schedules over dinner, ice cream, coffee, soda or pizza; plan to meet weekly/bi-weekly or monthly. Schedule time and be consistent!
Demonstration of ongoing support- without needing each other, that’s the ultimate outcome.
Let him know you have his back and you have confidence in him. This framework will give him vision + action = mission and provide a path to follow towards his exit.
Finally…..
Life isn’t perfect, at some point in his life, “life can happen” and he may hit a bump in the road. He may need to come home to hit the restart; he lost a job, got a divorce, maybe he just got out of the military etc. Absolutely you want to offer some help. My point is if you’ve taught him well, he will not want to stay long, he’ll be motivated to get back on his feet quickly because he likes his independence!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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May 29, 2018
Parenting Tips: Schools Out!
Spring and summer are my favorite seasons; the days are longer, and the sun shines brighter! However, I know for many parents this time of year can be chaotic because SCHOOLS OUT! Where’s my son, and what’s he doing!
School’s Out for Summer
So here it is barely Spring time and the kids are getting out of school. What have you planned with your son? Are you going to take a vacation, maybe you planted a garden or have a spring/summer project to do together?
I can already hear many of you saying, “Oh sure, I can’t get the kids to help me with anything!”
Have you tried approaching it as a fun time together; make it special by thinking back and remembering some of the fun times you had as a kid. Or better yet how you “wish” your parents had done things with you.
Some of my best memories are when my parents just relaxed and were present with me and my siblings. I didn’t grow up in a home where that was the norm so I appreciated it on the rare occasion it happened. Once when I was 4 years old my mom just turned up the record player (yes, remember record players!) and we did the Hokey Pokey, it was a blast! It was spontaneous and unexpected, yet it’s a memory all these years later that I still treasure.
A Good Example
Have you seen the movie “The Confirmation” starring Clive Owen? He is a less than perfect dad, but throughout the movie he makes the effort to do better. It’s a “feel good” movie about the relationship between father and son; and what happens when dad realizes how important he is to his son. If you pay close attention to the non-verbal cues and body language you see just exactly how innately a young boy looks to his father for guidance. I covered some of this in Modern Day Rite Of Passage.
“Dad being a healthy role model, mentoring his son. Mom supporting the process, while the son innately turns to father”
The mom was great in the movie. She recognized how important it was for her son to be with his dad and gave them the space to just be. This movie won’t win any awards, but it drives home what I teach parents on a regular basis in my program The Quest Project®.
Do Something Different
So my message to you this Spring/Summer season is to stop and think about your relationship with your son(s). Consider how you might have your own renewed relationship and incorporate more fun and more time together. It’s okay to be spontaneous, what kid doesn’t love a surprise? Enjoy this time, what you do now will stay with your child forever.
Share your story of a fun, spontaneous time with your son, I’d like to hear about it.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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