Clayton Lessor's Blog, page 3
October 16, 2018
Who Is Dr. Clay?
As a facilitator of The Quest Project®, I am in the “trenches” with the boys that come to see me, I’m good at it! I know how to quickly uncover and get to the wound an adolescent boy carries. Since 2000 I have facilitated 2000+ adolescent boys in their growth, healing and quest to becoming a responsible man!
No Time to Waste
I’ve learned over the years the importance of “getting to it” when dealing with adolescent boys. I don’t waste time skirting the issue. I don’t fantasize “time” will take care of it! When a parent brings their son to me, the need is immediate!
I start with an assessment and/or evaluation, then we get right to work!
Time, most of the time, is of the essence. I move quickly to uncover the issues; because when a young man is at risk it’s critical we get started.
Choosing a counselor and/or a program for your son is an important step. Both parent and son need to establish a connection with the therapist. It’s essential to the work; so, take your time and be confident in your selection process.
My Resume
A recap of my education and publications:
Completed my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology in 1994.
Earned a Master of Arts in Counseling; Thesis topic: “The Effect of Initiation and Mentoring on Adolescent Boys” (Lessor, C., 1998) in 1998.
Became a Licensed Professional Counselor in 1999.
Published in peer-reviewed journal “Role of Deceased Mentors in the Ongoing Lives of Protégés,” Omega: Journal of Death and Dying (Lessor, C., & Marwit, S., 2000).
Published “Saving Our Sons”-A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys For Success 2016.
Graduated Doctor of Philosophy in Education with the Distinguished Graduate Award in 2017. Dissertation title: “Difference of a Counselor Facilitated Adolescent Boys Group on Behavior” (Lessor, 2017).
Second book (in press) due out early 2019 dedicated to fathers with sons! More info coming very soon!
In addition, I am a proud veteran of the military, a retired USAF Captain, with multiple awards and recognitions.
On A Mission
I also facilitate weekend workshops for adults. Women’s Quest and Men’s Quest are both very intense processes developed for the mature adult. The result is the same, there is growth, healing and a better understanding of how to be responsible men and women.
Here’s a glimpse of how I spend my time:
Facilitating two to three age-appropriate The Quest Project® groups a week.
Facilitating Women’s Quest Weekend Workshops.
Facilitating Men’s Quest Weekend Workshops.
In addition, launching The Quest Project® in other cities in an effort to reach more boys.
And in my spare time, I have fun spending time with my family, doing research, analyzing, writing and preparing for the next steps that will help these young men and their parents live healthy more responsible lives!
My Mission:
“To Create Healthy Lifestyles by Teaching, Facilitating, Writing, Research and Example!”
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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October 9, 2018
Women’s Quest-A Weekend Workshop
Over the past year I have discovered The Quest Project® is as meaningful to men and women as it is to adolescent boys. Imagine a group of six women ages 20 yrs.-64 yrs. of age coming together over a weekend to work through issues they feel have prevented them from being the women they want to be!
The Women’s Quest Weekend Workshop
Are you ready for the opportunity to reconnect with the part of you that intuitively knows what is right? To own your Gift and develop your Life Mission? Women’s Quest Weekend Workshop offers a series of guided imageries & experiential activities, focused group exercises, and healing. Each process has been carefully designed to help women find and access their inner strength to support themselves in their daily lives.
We kick off on Friday night and wrap up Sunday afternoon, here’s what we cover:
how to build a safe container
unfinished business
goal setting and block
recipes for life
wound work
anger shadow
conflict resolution
discover your gift
define your life mission
relationships & values
achieve forgiveness
It’s Not Too Late
You may be a young adult female that hasn’t had a mentor and example of “how to” become a woman. I see mom’s, wives, sisters and grandma’s that have done the best they could over the years but realize “something” is missing. Maybe they grew up in a divorced home. They didn’t get much time with their mother because she didn’t have time for her. Maybe mom was working and away during her daughters’ formative years. There are multiple reasons, but the bottom line is they didn’t have a female role model to teach and provide them many of life’s most important lessons.
Now there is “immediate help and hope!” I’m excited about the potential of bringing families closer. My mission: “to create healthy lifestyles by teaching, facilitating, writing, research and example” is my commitment I will continue to research, discover and publish examples of what I learn in my first-hand experience and intensive feedback from participants.
A Journey of Discovery
Are you an adult female who missed some important time with your mother and would like to heal? I can help.
Women’s Quest Weekend Workshop will teach you how to clear the noise and live life with purpose and clarity!
Take this journey of discovery to experience your inner landscape so that you can reclaim and define what you want, and more importantly, who you are in your life! Space is limited, call now to reserve your seat.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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October 2, 2018
Ninth of 9 Reasons ALL Boys Need A Rite-of-Passage
I detailed relationships and the value system last week. For the ninth and final reason ALL boys need a rite-of-passage, I dedicate the entire blog to life mission. It’s a very important step; in my experience most of the young men I facilitate in The Quest Project® have not considered or thought about their life mission.
I get it! As a young man I grew up in an abusive house with an alcoholic father, the only time dad asked me what I wanted to be, and do, with my life when I was 11 years old I said, “I want to be a doctor” he said “forget it that’ll never happen, you’re not smart enough!” We never discussed it again. I guess I proved him wrong; I WOULD in fact become a doctor!
My mom and dad weren’t concerned about establishing a life mission with me. My parents didn’t have one for themselves; my dad’s goal was to drink beer and mom’s goal was to get through another day without being his punching bag. The result, both of them floundered in life, searching and never achieving. Sadly, they had three kids that didn’t receive some very important life lessons from them.
I encourage parents every day to make sure they know and help develop their son’s life mission, to support it and nurture it.
For me, I joined the United States Air Force after high school. It provided me structure and purpose that was lacking in my life; the Air Force taught me to be a man; it became the father I never had. I would later seek counseling and therapy to heal the wounds from my dad. I received direction from a few healthy male role models and mentors. They impressed upon me the importance of goals and a life mission. I knew very quickly that because of my upbringing I would help other young men.
My mission is “to create healthy lifestyles by teaching, facilitating, research, writing and example.”
Life Mission
9.) Equipped with his life mission gives him purpose every day as he journeys through life towards his goal.
A boy needs to have a goal; goal setting can lay the groundwork for his life mission. Once that’s established and he has purpose, how will he get there? What will he do to get there? How will you help him?
He needs a nudge (or two) along the way. Support him and remind him so that he can stay on track and achieve! Visuals are always recommended, boys love to “see” what they’re working towards.
Maybe you’ve never written a life mission for yourself; do it together, work on it together, and display it together. (Example: using a white board)
Remember that young men strive to achieve and compete. Keep his life mission in front of him and let him soar!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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September 25, 2018
Seven and 8 of 9 Reasons ALL Boys Need a Rite-of-Passage
In last week’s blog I covered “the gift” and “empathy.” One of my favorite moments when I’m working with young men is the moment they “lay claim” to their “gift!” The sense of empowerment allows them to embrace life and be more confident. It sets a perfect stage to move on to 7 & 8 (relationships and a value system) of the 9 reasons all boys need a modern-day rite-of-passage.
Relationships
7.) Young men are curious about relationships and what it means to be in a relationship. To love and be in-love with someone, and the difference between the two.
Obviously the first step in this conversation is to be sure it’s age appropriate. The younger boys age 11-13 are still not sure they want any part of a relationship, and that’s okay. Be assured they are looking, watching and observing from every angle (home, T.V., social media and YouTube)!
The older boys age 14-18 are very interested and need to understand what “love” is; “a choice, an intense feeling of deep affection.” And being “in love” is “a profound passionate infatuation for another person;” typically starts the beginning of a 4-6-month (average) relationship.
The difference in the two, “love goes beyond the physical presence to a deeper feeling of seeing past flaws and deep level of trust and commitment (a choice).”
Communication is vital at this age; this is the time he’ll face his first “broken heart.” If you’re like me those are hard to forget but a necessary part of life and life lessons! Hopefully what we learn are things that didn’t work, we’re more informed, and that leads to the next important piece…values!
A Value System
8.) Boys need to know and understand their value system; they need to identify their core values and how important they are in their life, and in their relationships.
In The Quest Project® I teach core values using rite-of-passage processes. Boys identify the most important and least important values to them. These are just some of a very long list of values that I like to see on the list:
Humility-by understanding his unique gifts.
Compassion-by healing his own wound.
Contentment-by establishing his values.
Grit, determination & diligence-by setting his goals.
Self-discipline & impulse control-by understanding and safely dealing with anger.
Courage & honesty-by having these in the “tool box.”
Dependability-by goal setting and mission.
Leading & following-by learning conflict resolution.
Proactive-by creating his purpose=mission.
Serenity– by learning forgiveness.
Patience-by understanding his anger shadow.
Kindness to self and others-by building a safe container.
There’s integrity, gratitude, adaptability, sense of curiosity & wonder, optimism & positivity, endurance, respect, and hope.
Does your son know his value system? Do you have conversation about core values and their importance? It’s an important step that shouldn’t be missed!
And finally, next week I cover #9-life mission!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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September 18, 2018
Five and 6 of 9 Reasons ALL Boys Need a Rite-of-Passage
This week a couple of my favorites! The Gift and Empathy; both are so important to raising a happy, healthy and responsible young man.
Golden Gift
5.) We all have a gift, it’s what makes us unique and different; your son needs to know what gifts he was born with. He needs to know his Golden Gift.
Many times, I see young men that are depressed, insecure, and frankly unsure of “who” they really are. They feel no matter what they do it isn’t good enough. They are constantly trying to live up to a parent(s) expectations by being what their parent(s) wants them to be.
Ask yourself, are you that parent?
One process we work through in The Quest Project® is identifying the “gift.” It’s what makes us special and unique. I’ve witnessed many young men work hard and make great progress in their search to identify their “authentic self,” which begins by knowing their gift!
They begin to contemplate “who is the man I’m going to become.” They discover just how important, gifted and unique they are. And the result is, they feel liberated and that translates to higher self esteem!
The best way to help your son is by allowing him to be what he’s meant to be, stop trying to force him to live your dream, or live the life you wish you had. It’s normal that you want better for your son. I see parents all the time who attempt to live vicariously through their children, and their children are miserable as a result; be conscience of your needs but more so to his!
Empathy
6.) When boys learn empathy, they gain a better sense of their limitations and the limitations of others, and how to treat each other.
Empathy is a core value, an important feeling, and when we protect kids from experiencing it they become numb to what someone else is going through. They simply don’t care.
For instance, when you take your son to a homeless shelter and have him volunteer to serve lunch to the less fortunate, he “sees” first-hand what it might be like if he were homeless. Mowing the lawn for the elderly lady down the street who struggles with mobility, teaches him empathy for the challenges and limitations the elderly face.
Let him see some of the bad news on t.v. where kids and parents are crying because there was a shooting that day, instead of quickly changing the channel; (of course baring the inappropriate and/or age appropriate). He can “see/feel” the sadness and hurt; he will experience the feeling of never wanting to be in that situation. He’ll feel sad by witnessing sadness.
Caution: I’m not suggesting that you fill him up with sad and depressing news. I am suggesting not to shelter him too much that he has no exposure to the consequences of bad choices, and at times merely life in action.
Four easy suggestions on teaching empathy:
Modeling-modeling good behavior starts with you! Your attitude, demeanor and expressions define what your son copies.
Active listening-that’s 100% of your attention! When your son is expressing himself (they rarely do!) pay attention and listen intently.
Teach-teach him how feelings and behaviors affect others; display empathy yourself.
Volunteer-there are an abundance of organizations that not only welcome but need volunteers; get involved and let him see first-hand how to help others. One of the awesome side effects of teaching and experiencing empathy is this, you and your son can “fill the tank,” (your hearts) with good!
Next week I’ll dive into 7 & 8, relationships and the value system. Don’t miss it!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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September 11, 2018
Three and 4 of 9 Reasons ALL Boys Need a Rite-of-Passage
Last week I expanded on what it means when a boy begins to transition to a man and the importance of goal setting. This week I give more detail on both anger and conflict. During adolescence a boy begins to self regulate anger and he learns how to resolve conflict. Teaching, guidance and support is critical.
Anger-One of the “Big 4”
3.) He’s angry. Anger is a common emotion (mostly due to the hormone testosterone which can cause aggression) for boys 11-18 years of age. Feeling angry isn’t a bad thing, it’s how he’s taught to release it that makes the difference. Simply telling a boy “don’t be angry” is not effective or an option; “don’t be” messages indicate he’s broken.
Your son needs to learn how to handle his anger. Anger is an expression of feeling, it’s not automatically a bad thing; it’s a feeling he’s entitled to. Obviously hitting, yelling, screaming or punching holes in the wall are not appropriate. Turning anger inward is not a healthy alternative either as that can lead to depression. Ideally, he learns from dad or healthy male role model how to release anger; that can happen just by him seeing how they handle anger.
I suggest parents of boys to buy their son a punching bag. This offers a healthy, tactile method to release and vent his feelings of anger. Getting it out of his body and mind and leaving it on “the bag!”
Saying “don’t be angry” is counterproductive, he’s not broken which is what it implies! Medicating or anger management doesn’t allow him to get it out, it is “stuffing!” I recommend getting to what is causing the anger, getting it out in a safe way to relieve it!
Conflict Resolution
4.) Conflict is a part of life, in fact it’s the #1 issue in relationships. Your son needs to know how to resolve a conflict in a healthy way and find resolution.
Adolescent boys need to be taught to take responsibility for issues that upset them and how to resolve them. Most of the time the “issue” is with their parent(s). Families are amazed that when approached correctly how easily a conflict can be resolved.
Basically, in its purest form, it’s understanding that there are two sides to a conflict and it can be discussed more peacefully!
Two things that are inevitable in a conflict is someone isn’t listening, and someone isn’t being heard or both (honestly, some people hear funny, and some listen funny)! Therefore, you must listen, and be heard, or there can be no understanding. If neither can understand each other there can be no resolution.
My tip: In the midst of a conflict, both sides take a 1-hour time out to allow the situation to defuse, then pull out your conflict resolution tool and get to work!
The quickest way to escalate a conflict is “you-ing” someone. It creates a confrontation. It can feel like an attack when approached this way:
“You did that wrong”
“You act like a child”
“You never do what I ask you to do”
“You don’t think things through”
Versus using “I” statements:
“I think I would have done that differently”
“I think that was immature”
“I would like you to do what I ask”
“I would like to see you think things through”
“I need you to get this done”
Feel the difference? This applies to ALL relationships!
Next week I’ll expand on numbers 5 & 6 which are “gift” and “empathy!”
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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September 5, 2018
First 2 of 9 Reasons ALL Boys Need a Rite-of-Passage
When I wrote the 9 Reasons ALL Boys Need a Modern-Day Rite-of-Passage there was a surge in interest! That tells me parents of boys are waking up to the critical needs of their sons. They’re asking themselves-“What’s missing?” Over the next few weeks, I’ll take those Top 9 Reasons and break them down and expand on each one.
Together, let’s turn this ship around and recognize the importance of a Modern-Day Rite-of-Passage!
The Transition
1.) Boys begin to transition from boy to man at approximately age eleven. They need a healthy, knowledgeable and responsible mentor, preferably dad, to help them navigate and transition to a responsible man.
As a boy transitions from boyhood to manhood, he begins to transition from needing his mother to learning to stand on his own two feet. He begins to look for answers to the question, “Who is the man I’m going to become?” And, he wants (needs) a male role model around to help him figure this out.
Your adolescent son is terrified to leave mom’s side, and he’s being naturally drawn to the new world of men. It’s the biggest challenge a boy faces in adolescence. He doesn’t want to let mom go but he’s transitioning. How do you respond?
What he really needs is a healthy male role model to mentor him. If dad is active in his life that’s great, if not, a healthy surrogate i.e.: good friend or relative that can help teach him the things he needs to know. For starters:
He needs about 3-5 hours a week minimum – one on one with dad or mentor (schedule the time, it’ll lower his anxiety and help his behavior).
Ask him what he wants/likes to do.
Tell him what you want/like to do (I suggest a compromise, leaning toward what your son wants!).
Tell stories about lessons you’ve learned – paint the picture – be vulnerable.
DON’T talk at him (sitting face to face); instead talk while “doing things,” side by side is key.
Goal Setting
2.) Young men need goals in their life. They have an innate desire to set goals which allows them to feel a sense of achievement. Without a focus they drift.
Boys love a goal, they are hard wired to achieve and thrive on reaching goals. Start setting goals with him now! It’s imperative you connect with him on his goals and help to set him up for success. Remember just like playing games, he wants to achieve that “next level” so make sure you help him focus on his next level (goal). I tell parents to buy a white board; boys love the visual of seeing “where they are and what they’re shooting for.”
Otherwise he’ll drift. Without a focus he begins to make it up as he goes. There’s significant risk here. He’ll turn to peers or try and figure out on his own the man he wants to become. In my experience that is when it can go downhill!
Next week I’ll cover numbers 3 and 4 of the 9 in more detail. In the meantime, start implementing these first two with your son!
Want this information quicker? Pick up “Saving Our Sons”-A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success here.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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August 28, 2018
9 Reasons ALL Boys Need A Modern-Day Rite-of-Passage
Rite-of-passage for males is a transition, and in its simplest terms means “changing from a boy to a man.” Sounds easy right? It’s not!
It’s unfortunate that today in our society we have forgotten and moved away from recognizing and honoring this time in a young man’s life. The result is Our Boys are in Trouble!
If you read my blog The Quest Project-An Overview and book “Saving Our Sons”-A Parent’s Guide to Preparing Boys for Success, I detail the elements of a Modern-Day Rite-of-Passage which is what I facilitate in The Quest Project®. Boys today are not being lead in a healthy way with a seasoned elder or wise mentor through this process. As a result, they and their parents are suffering.
ALL Boys Need a Rite-of-Passage
Here are the Top 9 reasons why:
Boys begin to transition from boy to man approximately age eleven. They need a healthy, knowledgeable and responsible mentor, preferably dad, to help them navigate and transition to a responsible man.
Young men need goals in their life. They have an innate desire to set goals which allows them to feel a sense of achievement. Without a focus they drift.
He’s angry. Anger is a common emotion (mostly due to the hormone testosterone which can cause aggression) for boys 11-18 years of age. Anger isn’t a bad thing, it’s how he’s taught to release it that makes the difference. Simply telling a boy “don’t be angry” is not effective or an option; “don’t be” messages indicate he’s broken.
Conflict is a part of life, in fact it’s the #1 issue in relationships. Your son needs to know how to resolve a conflict in a healthy way and find resolution.
We all have a gift, it’s what makes us unique and different; your son needs to know what gifts he was born with. He needs to know his Golden Gift.
When boys learn empathy, they gain a better sense of their limitations and the limitations of others, and how to treat each other.
Young men are curious about relationships and what it means to be in a relationship. To love and be in-love with someone, and the difference between the two.
Boys need to know and understand the value system; they need to identify their core values and how important they are in their life.
Equipped with his life mission gives him purpose every day as he journeys through life.
ALL Parent’s Need to Know “Why”
These are all very important to a boy. A modern-day rite-of-passage teaches him what to expect and how to deal with feelings as he transitions. If he isn’t taught, he’ll look to someone else or worse “try to figure it out” on his own or with his peers.
A Modern-Day Rite-of-Passage done in the right way, led by a healthy, knowledgeable example will help him transition through the next phase of his life with less confusion and turbulence (without being medicated, or self-medicating!).
Haven’t read my book yet; it’ll provide you valuable detail and insight to what your son NEEDS! You can get it today on Amazon!
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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August 14, 2018
Parenting Tip: 5 Signs of Peer Pressure
I find one of the issues I deal with on a regular basis in my practice is this one: Peer Pressure!
Peer Pressure-Not to Be Underestimated
Peer pressure is something all kids are forced to deal with at some point. Commonly it happens at school and/or the neighborhood kids that get together to play. It’s how you teach your child to respond that is important.
For boys, which is my expertise, it can get messy very fast; if a boy doesn’t have dad around to guide him he’ll look to his buddies for, or as his example. Peer pressure can lead a boy down the wrong path quickly. The risk is they think proving they’re a man means doing crazy things like shoplifting, drinking, smoking or bullying to name a few. The goal is to show they’re brave! They can be drawn to gangs, or to the boy who has the least amount of supervision at home to “hang out.”
5 Signs to Watch For:
change in behavior – more isolated and withdrawn
change in sleep habits – sleeps less
change in appetite – eating less/weight loss
mood swings – dramatic/traumatic and unpredictable
doesn’t want to talk or be with family – some of this behavior is/can be common in adolescents
Stay Connected-He Needs You
Before this happens to you and your son, here are some basic suggestions that can help him get through this critical time:
encourage dad to spend at least 3-5 hours a week with his son (if dad isn’t present, seek out a healthy male role model – uncle, stepfather, grandpa, friend – who can commit to time with the boy)
give him positive feedback and encouragement which helps build his self-esteem (helps avoid bad choices)
practice good communication using the conflict resolution tool
give him examples of how you handled peer pressure when you were young
talk about how to say no when he’s faced with pressure from peers
Sports are a great environment for boys, as well as school clubs like chess, art, debate and Jr. ROTC. They provide activity and a sense of pride and achievement. Boy Scouts, religious and community activities are also great ways to engage your son and give him a sense of mission.
Remember boys are innately visual and physical! Your goal is to surround him with good positive support by making sure he is in an environment that provides a positive example for him.
Peer pressure is alive and well and requires you to pay attention to the 5 signs above. Has your son dealt with peer pressure? Post your questions or comments below or on my Facebook page.
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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August 7, 2018
A Society of Absent Fathers
We’re all entitled to an opinion, right? Do you remember Andy Rooney, he used to give his straight forward and sometimes controversial opinion at the end of 60 Minutes? I’d like to share mine and it has to do with this, the effect the absent father is having on society.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I’ve not been shy about writing and sharing stories about my father and the effect his alcoholism and abuse had on our family. There is however one thing he taught me as a young boy that’s missing today-RESPECT! He took pride in his well-behaved, polite, respectful children.
My dad insisted on “please” and “thank you.” He made sure his kids were respectful to God, country, others, young and old. Being disrespectful in my house wasn’t an option; it was a core value not to be challenged. He never had to say a word, we got “the look” and knew exactly what it meant!
Today we see examples all around us of disrespectful acts.
Men disrespecting women, and women disrespecting men (especially in the media-commercials).
Coaches and teachers crossing lines with students
Professional athletes disrespecting the National Anthem and what it stands for and represents
Negative political ads
Communities lack of support for police
Politicians (both sides) crossing the line
Families torn apart by divorce lashing out at each other
I could go on and on, but you get the point. These examples are being taught to our youth as the norm!
Freedom=Disrespect?
When did “the land of the free” translate to acting disrespectful? I appreciate freedom and I also appreciate values and restraint!
I believe it’s largely a result of the absent father. Previous generations of men (like my dad) took a hard line with their kids by teaching respect for each other and country. There was a strong sense of right and wrong; good and bad. Today, sadly it’s hard to find and the lines are blurry.
In my lifetime I don’t remember another time when there was so much anger and hate. Anger isn’t wrong or bad, unless you’re living your life angry. It can hurt you by causing physical ailments and it can cost you relationships. Hate is a lot of anger often directed at specific groups; there are multiple examples of that in history! We all have responsibility in fixing this.
Calling All Dad’s
I’m calling out the men, specifically the dads because you have influence on the next generations. Get plugged in, not only by teaching respect in your family but by living a respectful life and being the healthy example. Let’s turn this ship around one family, one person at a time before it gets any worse.
Do it for the sake of the next generation. Are you with me?
Author information
Clayton LessorClayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
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