Helene Lerner's Blog, page 98

Pumpkin Carving Gets Spicy

With Halloween around the corner it's time to break out the carving tools and get ready to make some frightfully ghoulish pumpkin creations. If you're tired of the same old jack-o'-lanterns, take some inspiration from Hugh McMahon, a New York City pumpkin carver who has been creating masterpieces since 1976. WomenWorking has featured Hugh's incredible work before, but now it's time to see what the new year has brought. 

Here are a few of our favorites:

Lady Gaga,  singer-songwriter

 

Bette Midler, singer-songwriter, actress

Albert Einstein, renowned  physicist and philosopher

Edgar Allan Poe, 19th century writer

President Barack Obama and
First Lady Michelle Obama

To see more of Hugh's work, click here. 

Start Improving your Likability Quotient

I’m sure you’ve heard someone at work say, “I would rather be respected than liked.” I don’t know who started that thinking, but it's misguided. The truth is, we don’t have to choose between respectability and likability. Being liked will boost your success in life and the workplace, but not everyone will like you. That’s not humanly possible. Regardless, it is possible to be the type of person others want to be around because you make the effort to be likable.

To be that person, here are three suggestions:

To be likable, like others:
It’s human nature to like those who like us. We also know it’s easy to like some people more than others—that’s why it’s normal to have cliques at work where some are included and others are left out. The problem is, those outside the clique get the message: "You don't like me."  So what do you do? Make it your aim to connect with everyone, not just the ones you are naturally drawn to. I know that can be challenging, but when you build better relationships with more people you will have a higher likability quotient.

Ask how you can help:
Let me tell you about my wife, someone who has a high likability quotient. Everyone who knows her likes her—a lot. One reason is that she is always quick to jump in and help if someone has a need, big or small. In fact, you won’t have to ask her for help because she’s going to offer it first. I’m exaggerating a bit, but to make a point: you can’t help everyone all the time, but if you want a stellar likability quotient, be that person who asks, “How can I help?” If you see a co-worker that's overwhelmed, you may not be able to help him or her with their work, but you can ask, "Can I get you a cup of coffee?"

Be positive:
Let’s face it, no one likes to be around negative people. We may empathize with their problems but we can only take so much. If you want to raise your likability quotient, develop a reputation for being solution-oriented and for taking action to improve the situation at hand. Let others badmouth the company while you put your energy into doing your best work to improve your company. Let others gossip about a co-worker while you are busy connecting with them and offering help when needed. If you want to raise your likability quotient, be positive about what you do and who you do it with.

—Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Never Say Never!

 
NEVER SAY NEVER!

Kick the word never out of your vocabulary!
You can accomplish anything and everything you desire!
SHARE THIS WITH SOMEONE WHO NEEDS IT.
Video Editor: Melenie McGregor

Deborah Szekely on the Secret to Longevity

At 92 years of age Deborah Szekely has revolutionized the way we look at wellness. She’s been involved in community activism for years, and launched Wellness Warrior in 2013, a non-profit dedicated to the improvement of American health—a feat she believes can be accomplished by preventing illness.

In 1940 she founded Rancho La Puerta, a spa in Mexico, a mere hour from San Diego. Today Deborah is still lecturing, and travels often. We were so impressed with her energy and enthusiasm and asked her what the future holds.

What are your goals in the next five years?
Get cracking! There's no time to waste, after all I’m 92. I came up with the idea for my Wellness Warrior website, which is the one-stop home for the latest health-issues and is also an advocacy tool. One of my favorite mottos is, "We can do together what we cannot do alone."
 
What do you want to accomplish personally and professionally?
The two are one and the same with me. People see me as a mentor-model and I have a moral obligation not to let them down. I have to stay healthy, exercise, not "be my age." When I lecture I say, "I have too much ego to allow my weight and overall health to be out of control. You keep me in good health."
 
Some people are not fitness minded. What simple steps can they take to become a wellness warrior?
Your health is your choice. How—and how fast—you age can be a choice as well. Choosing to change begins the moment after a good night's sleep. Resolve to get moving, be vigorous—in whatever way you like to do it. Also pledge to eat fresh and healthy foods.

The grounds at Rancho La Puerta.

You're Successful, But Are You Visionary?

If you want to go somewhere in your career, you have to know exactly where that “somewhere” is. If that "somewhere" seems impossible, if it demands more than you think you have to give, you might have a vision for your life. You've reached a certain level of success—but do you have a vision that inspires you when you get out of bed in the morning? What would that be for you?
 
Steve Jobs wanted to “put a ding in the universe,” that was his vision. Your vision may not put a ding in the larger universe—but it needs to make a dent in your universe. What would be worth investing your life, your time, your money into, so even if you failed you would say, "I have no regrets, it was all worth it."
 
Here are three tips to help you with your vision:
 
Your vision has to be your vision:
It can’t be your parent’s vision, your significant other's vision or the vision programmed into you by the culture you grew up in.  I can’t tell you how many doctors, lawyers and engineers I have coached who were living out their parent’s dream—and their nightmare. You'll know if your vision is truly yours because it will light a fire in you that never goes out.
 
You have to grow into your vision:
If you have a vision to be a best-selling author or to find the cure for an “incurable disease,” chances are you have a lot of growing to do. In fact, if you are assured you can achieve your vision, it’s probably a goal instead. Imagine a vision that demands that you grow and transform in order to reach it. Get a vision that is worthy of who you are and what you are capable of. 
 
Be honest with yourself:
A vision has to be supported by who you can become and by the skills you can acquire; otherwise it’s just a dream. When you really know what you want (what stirs your heart and spirit) you will also have the capacity to become the person required to achieve that vision. Don’t sell yourself short, but don’t waste your time wishing upon a star either. Spend your time discovering what you really want to do, because what you really want to do might be an incredible stretch, but it will be a stretch that is possible for you.
 
--Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Are You Responsible Enough?

Many years ago I attended a two day workshop on Reality Therapy. I can’t remember the name of the facilitator, but I will never forget how she began the first day: “I expect each one of you to arrive on time so you don’t disrupt everyone else. I don’t want to hear about how traffic made you late." Then she paused and said, "Now that we all know we are responsible for our behavior, let's begin."

Positive change in our lives begins with the mindset of "I am responsible." The question is, "How can you take ownership of your life, your decisions and your behavior and do it in a way that enhances your self-esteem and preserves your dignity?" Here are three suggestions that work:

Drop the personal blaming and shaming.
It’s easy to blame and shame ourselves in ways we don’t realize: We think things like, “Why can’t I be more disciplined?” “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why am I not further along in my career?” Those aren't really questions—they're accusations in disguise—and they wreak havoc with your self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence.

Taking responsibility shouldn't make you feel bad, it should make you feel strong and capable. Blaming and shaming makes you feel small and powerless, like a child being scolded. Taking responsibility is about acknowledging you are responsible—and when you do that, you will feel competent and capable of finding solutions and acting on them.

Ask better questions to get better results.
The “I am responsible” mindset avoids questions that are more accusations than questions. The right kind of questions bypass blame and shame and go right to solutions. For example: Replace “Why can’t I be more disciplined?” with “Is this something I've chosen for myself—do I really want this?”  Instead of asking “Why am I not further along in my career?” make a list of 1-3 things you can do better at work and ask, “How can I put one thing into action right now?”

How do you know if you're asking better questions? Notice how you feel after the question. Does the question imply judgment or does it raise solutions? Does it discourage you or motivate you? Being responsible isn't about catching yourself doing something wrong—it's about acknowledging your ability to make something better. Learn to frame questions to yourself that inspire you and bring out your best self.

Get the support you need to fuel your success.
If you’re not making progress on a goal that’s important to you, it’s likely you don’t have the support you need. The “I am responsible” mindset is about doing things for yourself but doesn’t mean you do it all alone. If you read the acknowledgment section in a book, you will find every author thanking the many people who helped make the book possible.

Taking responsibility for your life isn’t a “I can do it all alone” philosophy. It’s a “I can do it with a little help from my friends” philosophy. Think about something you want to change or improve in your life—something you’re not making progress on right now. My professional experience tells me your lack of progress isn’t about your talent,  drive or “discipline.” You have all that. What you don't have is the support you need. Get the support you need to fuel your success.

--Alan Allard, Executive Coach
 

Dr. Tracey Wilen on Future Technology

Dr. Tracey Wilen is a leading authority figure on the impact of technology on society, the workplace and careers. She is currently the Vice President and Managing Director of the Apollo Research Institute, whose research underlines the importance of education and aims to ensure that our workforce is equipped to deal with a rapidly changing technological landscape. We recently had a chance to ask Tracey a few questions.

You are a thought leader on technology trends—what are three major future trends, and how will they impact career women?

Extended longevity—the fact we are living longer to 100 years or older means we are working longer. In the past we scoped our careers to be 20-30 years. Today women need to realize they will be working for 50-60 years. This means they need to think about how to remain employable in a digital world where new technologies emerge yearly. This may mean planning a career that has numerous job stops and each one will build skills and expertise. The final job stop may be self-employment.

Technology creates and displaces jobs. As the world becomes more automated I think it is important for women to think about how their own jobs and careers will change. For example, if marketing is now embracing social media, get on board with this early. My advice is to keep up with technology trends in your field, job and industry.

Globalization creates a number of opportunities in terms of market expansion, international projects and overseas assignments. But it also creates a more competitive landscape for individuals whose jobs can be outsourced.

What qualities are needed to get a career edge with the advances you are seeing?
Firm trends include:

Be an entrepreneurial employee. Someone who views themselves like the CEO of their job.
Master communication skills—speaking, negotiating, written.


Be a team player but also be able to lead. Competency helps credibility and your personal brand.

 

Are You Too Hard on Yourself?

Amy* had been a client for four months when she told me she was thinking of getting another coach. When I asked what was on her mind and she said, “You’re too easy on me! I want you to challenge me more.” You’d think a coach would love to hear a client say that—and normally I would—but not in Amy’s case. Why? Because I had been challenging her all along.

In fact, how I was coaching her made her so uncomfortable she was thinking about quitting. It turns out what Amy most needed to learn was going to be the hardest—making the distinction between success and perfection. In short, Amy was too hard on herself. She would think, “It’s wonderful I graduated among the top ten-percent in medical school, but if I had been more disciplined, I would have graduated number one—or at least in the top three.”

Maybe you’re a little like Dr. Amy and could stand to ease up on yourself. Do you ever find yourself thinking things like:

“I should lose my last ten pounds.”
“I need to be more patient with my family.”
“I should be further along in my career.”
“I have to get more recognition at work if I want to get that coveted award.”

At first, Dr. Amy hated it when I asked her if she thought she was being too hard on herself. She thought the way to change and improve was to demand more from herself, and many of us think the same thing. It's like we discovered the recipe for success and the secret sauce is being too tough on yourself. 

If you would like to learn to motivate yourself without having to resort to “I did great... but I could have (and should have) done better,” here are three tips:

Drop the Should’s and “Ought’s”:
Words like “should,” “should have,” “could have,” “ought to,” “have to” and “must” are red flags when it comes to being too hard on yourself. Instead of, “I have to do better,” think in terms of “What would happen if I gave myself more credit for a job well done and focused on my strengths and passion?”

Aim for progress, not perfection:
Perfection is an illusion; life becomes so much easier and enjoyable when we discover the distinction between a job well done and a perfect job. If you need to master making that distinction, ask a trusted friend or colleague at work—they will likely know when you’re being too hard on yourself.

The “WYSTTYBF Test”:
In my book, I share my WYSTTYBF test, or “Would You Say That To Your Best Friend?” Imagine a friend did a great job as a team lead—but was recounting all the ways she could have been a stronger leader. Would you tell them “a great job is a great job!” If so, it’s time to ease up on yourself. When you do, you’ll discover that what you do and how you do it has a magical way of improving all on its own. 

--Alan Allard, Executive Coach

*Name changed

Honor Your Best Friend

Check out our new video, and remember all the great times you've had with your best friends!

Three Simple Ways To Boost Your Happiness

When was the last time someone asked you, “What can I do for you that would make you happy?” I’m not suggesting you don’t have people who care for you, I know you do. However, I do know everyone (your family, friends and co-workers) are busier than ever and have plenty on their minds besides you. It’s nice when others do something that makes us happy, but you can’t leave your happiness up to others. With that in mind, why not ask yourself today, and every day, “What can I do to boost my happiness today?”

Here are three suggestions:

Brighten someone else’s day:
Yes, this is about what you can do to make yourself happier today.  It’s just coincidental that brightening someone else’s day will also increase your happiness at the same time. We know research backs that up, but you also know it’s true from your own experience. Why not make it a habit to choose someone every day and do something that will bring a smile to their face? Go out of your way to thank someone across the hall at work, write a handwritten note to let a friend know you’re thinking of them or compliment someone in front of others. We can’t single-handedly save the world, but we can brighten someone’s day all by ourselves.

Give yourself a treat:
Remember a time when you told someone “This is on me, it’s my treat.” Maybe it was coffee at Starbucks or it was the time you paid for a friend’s lunch. Isn’t it time you began to treat yourself on a regular basis? Why not—you deserve it. Surprise yourself and do something for yourself you don’t normally do. Buy yourself something non-essential that you can’t justify with logic—and tell yourself “Let me do this for you, it’s my treat!” It might sound crazy, but it’s not. We could call this DYI Happiness--Do It Yourself Happiness. There’s no need to wait until someone thinks of doing something thoughtful or nice for you. Make boosting your own happiness your personal mission.

Make happiness a top priority:
All the suggestions and strategies in the world won’t work if you don’t use them consistently. The thing is, you won’t do even simple and easy things to boost your happiness unless you make it your number one priority or at least a top priority. Have you ever done that? Take some time to think this through and consciously decide how important happiness is to you. Happiness doesn’t happen by accident. You have to decide to be happy and then become and do the things that will bring you happiness. Then find your own ways to boost your happiness that are simple, easy to do and then make them a habit.