Helene Lerner's Blog, page 97

Zahra Tangorra: From Tragedy to Triumph

In her 20's Zahra Tangorra was thrown from a cliff when a bus driver fell asleep at the wheel. After being severely injured and undergoing several surgeries on her hand, she did some soul searching and with money from the settlement was able to fulfill her dreams. Now chef and owner of Brucie restaurant in New York she keeps customers guessing with a menu that changes daily. Take a look into Zahra's world. 

 

Interviewer and Video Editor: Melenie McGregor

How to deal with office drama and gossip

We’ve been working this week on focusing our attitude on gratitude and taking actions towards boosting our careers. Several of you have asked about how to deal with your professional environments and colleagues when they aren’t so positive. There is a real finesse to navigating turbulence at work, below are a few suggestions to make sure you aren’t fueling the fire:

Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Are you part of the problem? Do you get jealous when a coworker gets promoted, does a great job on their project, or closes a knockout sales deal with gusto? Do you start your conversations with, “Don’t tell anyone, but…”? Do you spend your time at home rehashing circumstances at work? Simply put: Cease and desist, immediately, if you nodded to any of these.

Don’t be seduced. You love praise, recognition, and approval from your boss, coworkers, and company—except there’s one small problem. When you seek positive reinforcement from an external source as a replacement for your own self-approval, self-praise, and self-recognition, you are slowly giving yourself away. This might start to affect your health and wellbeing. Are you on the other side offering praise and recognition? Do you offer freely or with strings attached? Pay close attention to whether or not you are being seduced by what others think or say about you at work—or if you’re passing judgments about others. Remind yourself that you are not your job, what your boss thinks about you, or your accomplishments. 

Seek the root cause. Consider jealousy, gossip, and drama to be symptoms of a larger problem: inability to change and fear of the unknown. Change leads to limitless possibility and should be approached with excitement rather than fear. Albert Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the consciousness that created it. We must learn to see the world anew.” Take a step back from your situation and observe what’s really going on. Acknowledge your participation in the scenario. Are you perpetuating or resolving? Take several deep breaths and use your powerful intellect and intuition to plot your way forward with harmony as your goal.

Feel free to post specifics below, so I can further assist you.  

-Laura Newberry-Yokley, Holistic Leadership Coach

 

Start Boosting Your Career Goals Today

What good fortune that November is National Career Development Month! Help me celebrate by participating in at least one career related activity. I’d love to hear what you end up doing.

Below are some suggestions for how to celebrate your career development this month:

Start a career journal.
I invite you to start a career journal. I log my path, envision the future, and research next best right moves in mine. It’s fun to look back and see the progression of my thoughts and actions over time. On the front of my career journal, it says, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” Start your journal by writing down what you would do if could do whatever you wanted in your next job. Throw responsibility and fear to the wind. What would you want to be like and do? How much money would you like to make doing it? Now, add a zero. What if you could start today actualizing this idea? 

Access your power.
Helene Lerner wrote a book and produced a television segment called In Her Power. Her book offers exercises to help you access your true self. Get started today by reading an article and visiting this link for more information. 

Find your strengths.
Remind yourself that you’re wonderful. Remind yourself of your brilliance. Move forward from a position of strength. Visit TMBC for ideas.  

Plot your coordinates.
The Savvy Success Coach has a quiz called the Clean Sweep to help determine your position in four areas. Then you can work on clearing out the old to create space for new opportunities to come into your life. 

Get organized.
Expand your work flow platform to handle your work load. No sense in you trying to take it all on yourself. If you can do something in two minutes, do it now. If not, make a plan for it. A good start is with David Allen and Getting Things Done.  

Seek out new tools.
Check out the National Career Development Association for starters.

What are some of your favorite career tools? Post your favorites in the comment section!

-Laura Newberry-Yokley, Holistic Leadership Coach

 

How to Negotiate Your Next Raise... Politely!

Business etiquette is more important than ever, especially when approaching a difficult situation like negotiating a raise. While addressing the topic can be an awkward and dreaded task, with careful thought and consideration you’ll successfully create a productive conversation. Try following these seven business etiquette tips to help negotiate your next pay raise… Go on, you deserve it! 

Choose the right time:
Timing is everything! Make sure not to ask your manager to sit down if there is an issue going on at work, even if completely unrelated to you. Try asking your boss to meet with you at the end of a week when stress levels are lower. Schedule an appointment ahead of time so you don’t catch them off guard. Either email or say “Could you please spare a few minutes to sit down at the end of the day today?” If they ask what it’s about, simply reply “I wanted to discuss a few thoughts I had about my position." Leave it vague until you’re face to face. Never email your request for a raise. 

Set the stage:
Offer to bring coffee or tea. This will create a less aggressive setting from the start of the meeting. Refreshments help calm initial discomfort and provides a more comfortable discussion platform. Make sure you are in a private setting where you can have their undivided attention and can speak freely.

Initiate conversation and take control:
If you see your boss every day, there is no need for small talk, however if you only work with him or her periodically, starting the conversation with friendly chatter increases the perception of likability. Make sure that you are the first to open the discussion regarding your raise and why you wanted to sit down. If you are controlling the conversation, you’re more likely to succeed.

Know your worth, come prepared and speak confidently:
Do your research: what do other competitive companies pay similar roles? If your salary is not competitive, this is good leverage to use. Make a list of all your accomplishments in your position and memorize them so you can easily verbalize why you deserve a salary and/or promotion. Be confident in stating your value to the company i.e. “While in my current role, sales have seen a 20% increase.” Approach the meeting with confidence. You are good and you know it, and that’s why you’re there! 

Be positive:
Successful negotiators are optimists. Start sentences with, “I’ve learned so much during my position and I love feeling both challenged and rewarded” before you dive into asking for a raise. If the conversation somehow turns negative, try to stay positive i.e. “I was not aware, but I appreciate constructive feedback.”

Be conscious of your body language: 
Be careful not to cross your arms, this could be taken as a sign of being angry, uninterested or unreceptive. Good eye contact is crucial. If you look away during the discussion, you may be perceived as submissive and insecure in your request.

Be grateful:
Be sure to tell your manager you are grateful for the opportunity to be considered for a raise….even if it’s long overdue. If they say they are unable to give you a raise at this time, try negotiating other benefits or a title change. If you don’t have success, ask about the next date which you can be reevaluated for a raise. They’ll see your persistence and determination and will admire that you have a successful goal in mind.

--Myka Meier, Etiquette Expert

 

 

Grow in Gratitude Today

November thankfulness feels a lot like January with its resolutions. Most are fleeting and supportive of a seasonal responsiveness. If you’ve ever bought a gym membership and regretted it by February, then you know what I mean. 

“Gratitude is the best attitude” (C. Myss) is my favorite quotation. Thankfulness isn’t something that comes around once a year. Make it your natural state of affairs.

As we think about our careers, our relationships and ourselves, it is common sense that thankfulness makes a difference. Intellectually we nod, and our hearts agree, but do we live it? Do we really live life thankful for our special spots or for our important purposes? 

If you can’t appreciate what you have now, will you appreciate what you want when it arrives? I know. The grass is greener on the other side. But is it? Rapper Big Sean reminds us that “the grass is green where you water it.”

So what to water? Here are several metaphors to help your attitude, because after all, we get out what we put in. 

Bloom where you are planted. When I lived in Los Angeles, I was driving through a fast food restaurant for a late night snack. On the side of the drive thru there was the most beautiful purple flower in full bloom. The florescent light made it look like it was glowing, and it was. This experience reminded me that this flower, even though it was planted on the side of a dirty slab of concrete, was doing what it was destined to do—bloom—and we can do the same.   

Shine anyway. When working in a large organization, it might be possible to absorb the toxicity, stress and negativity that sometimes creep into such environments. Try instead to embody an attitude of a lively, bold, and spirited nature. Actively engage in your work, ask questions in meetings, and come to the table with your game face on. Do your very best. I think you’ll find that leadership will take note. 

Grow in gratitude. Your thoughts and attitudes create ripple effects. Start carrying a gratitude journal around with you or participate in WomenWorking’s daily practice of gratitude on Facebook with thousands of others. Say “thank you” to your colleagues for their contributions. I think you’ll find that it will make all the difference.

-Laura Newberry-Yokley, Holistic Leadership Coach   

Meet Our November Coach!

I’m Laura Newberry-Yokley, your November career coach. This month will be all about attitude. Time to turn up the moxy—let’s take a hard look at what you’ve been telling yourself about you, your relationships, and your career. 

Social intrepreneur. I call myself a social intrepreneur. Once I know where my four walls are, I can creatively function and strategize within said parameters to create powerful social change of any kind or size. I have over 8 years of health policy experience in the corporate world. From envisioning to project execution, I’ve done it. This strategic knowhow and political maneuverability are key to creating lasting career success…as is a commitment to internal wellbeing. I was also a strategic advisor for diversity and inclusion, including internal employee resource groups.

Leadership as Self-exploration. I am currently the Director of Cultural Innovation and a holistic leadership coach at Sonrisa Products LLC, a holistic leadership company. Leadership is top-down, but it also can be bottom-up and sideways. It is code for self-exploration. If you can effectively lead yourself through change, then you can help others do the same. Understanding your context as well as all of your moving parts and pieces will be critical as you push for change.

I live in Columbus, Ohio by way of Colorado, California, Spain, and India. I’ve spent my career researching women around the world. Over the next few weeks, I’m here to answer your questions and coach you towards excellence. 

Looking forward to connecting,      

--Laura Newberry-Yokley, Holistic Leadership Coach

 

Colleen Grapes on Earning Respect and Holiday Prep

[image error]Colleen Grapes is the first woman in her family to choose a non-secretarial career. While she didn’t follow their path, she did inherit their hard work ethic and sweet tooth, and today is the executive pastry chef at Manhattan’s Oceana. Colleen tells us more about her decision to go into culinary and how she keeps up with the boys in one of the toughest industries for women.

Did you always know that you wanted to be a pastry chef?
Definitely not. In high school, I was really into weight lifting. After a tough workout, you drain yourself of a lot of natural sugars, so I would always bake things with my mother and grandmother. People drink Gatorade after a workout because they think that’s the thing to drink, but look at the ingredients—that’s a lot of sugar! I just went a different route.

What’s your favorite thing to cook for the holidays?
My great, great grandmother’s Polish Tea Cakes. I still have her original recipe in her handwriting! I have 15 cousins on one side of my family and 11 on the other side, so every holiday we need a lot of cookies, and the Polish Tea Cakes are always the first to be eaten.

What is it like being a woman in the culinary world, a male dominated industry?
The main thing you have to earn is respect. I’m not saying you shouldn’t ask for help, but if you can carry that 50 lb bag of flour on your own, that helps. Show everyone you’re doing the same job they are, and that you don’t think anything’s below you. If I have to go back and help the dish washer scrub dishes, then I’m going to do it to get the job done. 

What advice do you have for other women who want to enter the culinary world?
Do something else? Just kidding, but in all seriousness, be learning constantly. Read articles. Learn how to do those juliennes correctly. And, most importantly, you have to cook from the heart. That’s the biggest thing. It’s great to have mentors, but food is a form of self expression. You have to be willing to put in the extra work, the hours, the cuts, the burns and the scrapes—it’s never easy. But anything worth attaining is always difficult. 

Can you summarize your process for creating a gourmet pastry dish?
I figure out flavors first, and then decide how I want them translated on the plate. I need to decide whether I want them crunchy, or as a fruit, ice cream, sorbet, or sauce.  I usually take a bunch of flavor profiles in my head, and figure it out from there. 

That sounds like it was a difficult skill to hone.
Absolutely, you have to know your ingredients and how to manipulate them to get those flavors. It’s good to experiment, but first you need to understand the ingredients individually. Cooking is a science.

Stay tuned this holiday season for one of Colleen's incredible recipes!

Interview conducted by Amanda Miller (WomenWorking.com Intern)

Cat Paschen's Ghoulish Creations will Electrify You

Halloween is nearly here and if you haven’t already picked out your own frightfully terrifying costume, then you must be scrambling for one. Take some inspiration from Cat Paschen, co-owner of DYAD Make-up & FX Studio and former contestant on SyFy’s Face Off. We asked Cat a few questions about her work and what it was like being on a critically acclaimed reality series. 

You originally planned to attend law school, how did you make that career shift? Was it difficult?
The decision to attend make-up school and not law school was very difficult. I first had to move away from my friends and family to pursue my dream. I also made the move with out their full support of my decision but I knew it was something I had to do. I needed a career that allowed me to utilize my creative side. Following your dreams is not always easy. 

What was it like being on a reality TV show? What has your life been like since—has it made an impact on your business?
Being on a reality TV show has been a crazy once in a life time experience! I had so much fun during filming and watching the show with all of my cast mates. We definitely made many wonderful memories with each other. I sometimes forget how big the show is and am still surprised when people are excited to meet me. 

Being on Face Off has definitely been good for business. It has given me many opportunities that I otherwise would not have gotten. It has allowed me to travel around the world from London, to New York, to Mexico working for various make-up companies such as Make-Up Designory and Crown Brush. I feel very lucky and blessed for the opportunities I’ve had. 

Today you own your own studio, what's your advice for any women who want to go into special effects makeup?
My advice to anyone who wants to be a freelance beauty or special effects make-up artist is “be prepared for hard work.” You are one of the lucky few that get paid to do what they love—so work hard. The industry is competitive; you need to be one step ahead at all times to be successful. 

What is your favorite part about being a special effects makeup artist?
My favorite part of being a special effects makeup artist is seeing the look on everyone’s face after I have finished a makeup. The look of terror, delight or being completely grossed out (depending on the make-up) makes all of the hard work I put into each project worth it. 

Any tips for the average person who wants to spice up their Halloween costume this year?
Be creative, be original, be yourself and have fun! Pick a costume or character you love and try to put it together yourself instead of buying it from a store—you will have so much more fun! You’ll save money and will feel great when the costume is all put together.

Check out some of Cat’s incredible work below:

 

 

 

 

Any questions on getting into the industry?
Leave a comment below for Cat, and check her out on social media and at her website.

How to Start Initiating Change

From time to time, a client will tell me, “I need your help changing something I've never been able to change.” Can you relate? Have you ever wondered why you’ve struggled to change something and can’t seem to do it? Everyone has at one point or another. Why is that? Is it lack of willpower? Is it laziness? Is there something wrong with you? 

As a former psychotherapist, and now as an executive coach and life coach, I have some good news for you… there’s nothing wrong with you. But while there’s nothing wrong with you, there is a common reason why we often fail to make the changes we want: we’re not being fully honest with ourselves about the change we say we want. 

Imagine listening in to a coaching conversation I’m having with a client. In each bullet point below, the first sentence is the truth, but it’s not the whole story. It’s the second sentence fills in the rest of the blanks. When we leave the second part out of the equation we make change very difficult:

“I want to be more assertive. But I don’t want to because it’s easier to keep the peace.”
“I want to eat healthier. But I don’t want to today… It’s easier to begin tomorrow.”
“I want to save more money. But I don’t want to because it’s easier to think I’m doing just fine.”
“I want to have a better relationship. But I don't want to deal with it right now.”

When we tell ourselves the first part of the story and leave out the second, we’re fooling ourselves into thinking “I want to change, end of story.” But it’s not the end of the story; it’s just the first part. The last part is what's keeping us from changing faster and easier.

Telling only part of the story doesn’t just happen with individuals—it also happens frequently with teams at work. I’ve had companies bring me in to do workshops on collaboration, saying “We want to change the way we work together.” However, during the workshop, I discover they want to but they also don’t want to. They want the rewards of collaboration but they don't want the hard work that comes before.

We have to quit being afraid of thinking “I don’t want to change this."  That’s not easy, but until we see the whole picture nothing is going to change. When we listen to the whole story with patience, empathy and respect, oftentimes the "I don't want to" begins to fade away and the "I want to" begins to write the story. That's when change happens.

—Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Are You Addicted to Drama?

Life can easily become one drama after another, but we get so used to it that it feels normal. We see the drama in the lives of those “crazy” reality T.V. stars and wonder how they can live that way. The answer is: they live with their drama the same way we live with ours—they get used to it. It's not that we don't have any drama in our lives; it's that we don't notice it anymore.

Some of us play out the drama in our difficult relationships at home or at work and use up all our peace of mind, and some of us indulge in the drama of neglecting our physical and emotional health. We claim we’re too busy to exercise, meditate or take time for fun. Drama is different for different people. Sometimes it’s subtle and sometimes it’s—well—dramatic. 

In many ways, we can be “addicted” to our drama. If you think you just might have some drama in your life and want to end it, here are three suggestions:

Admit there is a problem:
When someone asks us “How are you?” a typical answer is, “Crazy busy.” We brag about putting in 50-70 hours a week and not taking our paid time off. We tell ourselves we can’t do anything about it so we keep doing it. Might there be a little bit of drama to that?

We say we live and work the way we do because we’re responsible adults or because we don’t want to hurt someone—meanwhile we keep hurting ourselves. We have to pay the bills after all, or we have to stay in that relationship just a while longer to help the other person get through the “temporary” crisis they’re in. However, that’s not being responsible or caring, that’s keeping the drama alive. 

Own the problem:
When it comes to drama, it’s easy to blame others. It might be your boss, the economy or even fate. Something “out there” needs to change for things to get better. However, if you have too much drama in your life, you are the only one that can do something about it. Blaming others or external factors will only fuel the drama. You have to come face to face with the fact that no one is coming to your rescue. Owning the problem means finding solutions, not beating yourself up for your past decisions or behaviors. 

Get a plan:
I’m not suggesting you quit your job or dump your responsibilities today, I’m saying you need to get a plan to live the life you want to live. Your plan might be a two year plan, but it needs to be one you can take some action on today. You might not be able to reduce your work hours immediately or leave an unfulfilling job, but you can make plans to do so

Staying in a job you don’t love is drama—even if you’ve gotten used to it. If you’re in a relationship that has drama, end the drama or end the relationship. You might need some help to do that, so put that in your plan to reinvent your life. If you have drama in your life, it’s your drama, and if you don’t plan a way to end it, you will unintentionally keep it going.

—Alan Allard, Executive Coach