Helene Lerner's Blog, page 100

Be Grateful for the Small Things

At the end of the week, it's always good to be grateful for the small things. Take a look at our new video, and share it with your friends.

Video Editor: Melenie McGregor

Don't You Deserve To Achieve Big?

This week I drove to downtown Atlanta to hear my colleague JoAnn Corley, President of The Human Sphere, deliver a keynote to about 600 Human Resource professionals. JoAnn’s topic was on building your personal brand at work, why it matters and how to do it. Along the way, JoAnn addressed something that’s key to building your brand—the need for us to inspire ourselves to do exceptional work and to bring about positive change in the workplace. You might be thinking, “That’s nice, but why are you sharing this with me?

Too many employees look to their boss or senior management to inspire them. I tell my clients to empower themselves and to be the ultimate source of endless inspiration. If you have a boss or a company culture that is inspiring, your job of inspiring yourself is much easier. However, the reality is, you are responsible for your own inspiration and motivation. Now, more than ever, you need to know how to inspire yourself to unleash your greatness.

How do you do that? Here are my three tips:

Be visionary:
You need a vision that is meaningful; something that inspires you. It will get you through the setbacks and disappointments that are part of life. Your vision will also motivate you to grow and unleash your potential. You can make a difference at work and elsewhere. What do you want to become, achieve and how do you want to contribute? What’s your vision?

Feed your mind and spirit:
What we focus on and give our attention to shapes our thinking, then our thinking stirs our emotions, and finally, our emotions lead to our choices and behaviors. Decide today you will give yourself the mental and emotional fuel you need to inspire yourself to take action to bring your vision to life. Listen to something on the way to work or read something in the morning or evening that inspires you to be the significant, powerful and worthy person you are.

Challenge yourself:
We aren’t meant to go through life feeling safe, certain and comfortable. I’m not saying we don’t need some security—I’m saying too much of it dulls our senses. To inspire yourself, think about your vision for your life, look in the mirror and say (with unconditional positive regard) “I dare you!” Challenge yourself to be more audacious than you thought possible. Inspire yourself.

-Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Meet our career coach for October

Hello! I'm Alan Allard, and I'll be your career coach for the month of October. This month will be all about you, but before we get started, you might want to know a few things about me as well.

I am a former psychotherapist and for the past nine years, I have worked as a consultant, executive coach, speaker, trainer and life coach. I help companies, teams, and individuals thrive by challenging the status quo and creating unprecedented success and fulfillment.  I am the author of Seven Secrets to Enlightened Happiness: Your Guide to the Life You Were Meant to Live, which can be purchased here. On a personal note, I am married to my high school sweetheart and we have two incredible daughters (as well as two equally incredible sons-in-law) and last July I became a grandfather for the first time.

Over the next few weeks, we'll be taking a look at what you can do to increase your success, fulfillment and happiness—both in your career and in your overall life. Please let me know in the comments if if there are any specific topics you'd like me to address. Thanks, and I look forward to another great month!

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Do you have Grit?

Having been raised as a young girl in the 50’s, I learned to be polite, not to beat the guys at sports –  to be a “good girl”.  My role models were women who were coquettish and cute.  Today, women have terrific female role models in those who have risen in their corporations, in politics, and as entrepreneurs.  I was fortunate to have a mother who became a Vice President of Advertising. She had grit, and modeled it – but we never discussed what this was and how she used it.  I never learned the secret to having “grit.”  What is it?  Grit is an uncompromising commitment to performance excellence and strategic focus.  How can a woman embody grit in her leadership every day? 

Here is the secret to having grit:

Have a vision. Make it innovative, and be decisive about it.  Vision is seeing possibilities and then building opportunities to make a meaningful difference with people, profits and performance.  It also means operating with clarity and certainty to eliminate confusion and hesitancy.

Have a strategic focus and be persistent.  Strategic focus is about seeing the longer-term big picture and the current priorities that will get you there. It is about using self-control to stay on track and transform derailing reactions to effective action. It’s about facing and neutralizing negativity, and communicating clearly to others what is most relevant to achievement.

Act with dedication, boldness, commitment and courage. Bring your passion and energy to all you pursue. It’s your spirit and vigor that will generate your power. When facing risks, rely on your strengths and take a courageous stand for what matters most.

Remain authentic, relying on your strength of character and a commitment to empowering others.  This means being genuine. Your strength of character has its foundation in your values and integrity in action. Always share credit, power and acknowledge others for their contributions to you and the goals.

Be resilient and see possibilities in the face of others’ resistance.  There will always be obstacles and resistance from others. You wouldn’t be making a difference if people and things around you weren’t pushing back. Always look for possibilities when faced with obstacles and opposition. Seek to understand others’ points of view and use your insights and empathy to melt resistance, including your own.

I wish someone had shared this with me when I was starting my career. We usually learn this through experience. How have you used grit?

Get Your Boss on Your Side

I have to admit that in my career, I always had an authority issue. I maintained criteria and expectations for anyone I reported to.  My criterion was that I had to respect the person, be able to learn from him/her, trust that she/he will give me valuable feedback, and support me.  Although this has helped me choose whether to accept an offer, this attitude is also a set up for the boss. Why? I had an internal set of criteria as conditions for our relationship. When my boss didn't meet them, I reacted with disappointment, anger, and sometimes resentment. This wasn’t a recipe for trust and respect, since I rarely shared my these criteria with my managers. I was coming from a pretty judgmental mindset. To successfully manage up, I had to confront my biases and expectations - not make them "wrong", but shift them from expectations to wishes and become willing to share these in a conversation for mutuality.

But first I had to become willing to get to know my boss – and express a true interest in what makes this person tick. This “learner” mindset positions me to connect and build a relationship based on focused curiosity, without being insincere or manipulative.  If you find yourself identifying with my original mindset, then consider shifting to an attitude that will allow you to truly connect with your boss.
 
My colleague, Roz Usheroff, a leadership, image and branding specialist, suggests ways to win over a boss. This approach must be based on a shift from a judgmental mindset to a learner mindset:

1. Treat your boss like your number one customer. Do this by using your authenticity and sincerity to seek out their thoughts on how you can serve him/her. Seek to understand what keeps them up at night so that you can carve out your value proposition in their eyes. Also, learn what success looks like to them. Being on the same page will cement your relationship and create a harmonious and trusting bond. Pay attention to your boss’s priorities and make them yours.

2. Identify your boss's communications preferences. Does he/she prefer face-to -face, email, phone/voicemail, text, Skype, lots of detail/lists, bottom line, pictures/diagrams? How about timing?  What are the best and worst times to communicate? Does she prefer start or end of day, weekends, on the fly, last minute or scheduled meetings? If your styles are different, it serves you to adjust to your boss's style.

3. Communicate regularly. Operate within the guidelines you both set for optimal communication to meet frequently face to face informally and formally. Keep your boss informed on updates on goals. This builds reliability, your value in his eyes, and builds trust.

4. Honor your commitments. At the end of the day, you are there to do a job, so make sure that you do it to the best of your abilities by meeting and exceeding expectations, being prepared for your meetings, and showing your commitment by volunteering for things that others don't want to do.

A mutually satisfying relationship with your boss brings short-term gains in the form of coaching, developmental assignments, meaningful performance reviews, and salary increases. The long-term benefits bring sponsorships for career opportunities, strong referrals, and introductions to other helpful people in your network - just to name a few.  My best champion today is one of my former bosses. How about you?

Prove Them Wrong

You will inevitably encounter people both professionally and in your personal life, who try to shine at your expense, and undermine you whenever they can. They'll deliberately try to hold you back and break your spirit. Be patient, keep focused on doing your very best, shrug, laugh, and bounce back. Over the long haul, you'll earn your colleagues' respect, your bosses will recognize your talents, and your true friends will reveal themselves, and if any of them don't respect you after you have given it a fair shot, go back to lesson number one: Be flexible, and move on. 

Prove'em wrong. Success is the best revenge.

Valerie Jarrett

Senior Advisor and Chair of the White House Council on Women and Girls

Why stay stuck?

Do you feel discontent and not sure how to get over it?

Are you thinking you should be more advanced than you are?

Is change something you are scared of and therefore don't venture out of your comfort zone?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, you are at a crosswords, and the following tips may help.

. Give yourself reflective time each day. Dare to dream and get in touch with your desires.

. Connect with people who are excited about their lives. Ask them about times when they felt stuck and how they got over it.

. Get in touch with your mission, the reason why you are on this planet. It's not just to get a bigger job, there is something more. Allow your heart to lead the way during quiet moments.

Know that being stuck is part of process of changing, and changing is Good. The butterfly was not always in its current form.  Change is uncomfortable, but your greater self is calling.

Is it arrogance, NO!

As a coach, I have noticed that as my clients work on raising their confidence, and begin to practice letting others know their accomplishments, speak up with greater assertiveness, and reduce unnecessary apologizing, there can be a temporary swing to what others interpret as arrogance. Are these people really arrogant?  This means, “an insulting way of thinking or behaving that comes from believing you are better, smarter, or more important than other people.”  The answer is no.  This is almost never the case with those who were previously struggling with expressing their confidence.  However, when trying out new behaviors, colleagues can misinterpret these new behaviors as arrogance. 

Humility is the answer. Let’s not confuse humility with retreating back to the old behaviors of needlessly saying “I’m sorry”, incessant self-deprecation, and body language that can diminish your stature.  Humility is a critical leadership trait and looks like:

Benevolence: this means an act of kindness or an inclination to be kind. It's the quality of someone who volunteers in a soup kitchen, tutors children for free, and helps raise money for a cause. It can show up in professional behavior as mentoring and coaching others.

Consideration: this means the act of considering; careful thought; meditation; deliberation. It can show up in professional behavior as giving someone’s project full consideration and listening actively to a new idea.

Generosity: this means a willingness to share. When you show generosity, you might donate or put others before yourself.  This can be demonstrated professionally when you're forgiving and gentle to people, showing a generosity of spirit.

Graciousness: this can be characterized by tact and propriety, such as responding to an insult with gracious humor. It can also be expressed through behaving compassionately when someone has made a mistake or is behaving awkwardly. We can also be this way with ourselves – self-compassionate.

All these qualities show up well for our professional presence.

Is it me or them?

Haven’t you noticed that your respect for others goes up when they handle a tough situation with grace?  This doesn’t mean caving in or always being agreeable. Nor does it mean aggressiveness or using “power-tactics” to get our way. What is the best way to build your professional presence when the going gets tough?

Take for example, 3 types of situations that drive me crazy:
•    When others make promises and don’t follow through.
•    When a person argues with me without using evidence or logic – they’re wrong.
•    When another person plays victim and/or doesn’t accept responsibility.

I can assume that if only the other people would do what they are supposed to do, it would be the solution.  However, I know that these situations are actually triggers for me, and that the true reason I’m emotional is that I don’t feel confident that I can successfully meet my needs. So that is my starting place. This gives me a strong basis of equanimity: personal power, mental calmness, and composure.

It helps me move from reaction to self-composure when I ask myself some questions: “Is this person or thing obstructing my progress, refusing to cooperate, or is my strategy not working?” Then, I take a deep breath and remember what’s really at play.

While it may be true that my strategy isn't working, this is the trigger rather than the cause of any frustration I am feeling.  Every human being has a subconscious need to achieve the goals they have set for themselves. From the moment I “set” my intention to the moment I "unset" it (by achieving it or by dropping it), my subconscious will motivate me to achieve my intention or goal.  As a result, I will have feelings of frustration whenever I am failing to achieve this goal and feelings of pleasure when I am succeeding in achieving this goal or another one that I set.

So here are three steps I can take to arrive at a graceful and centered approach to what’s frustrating me:

1.    First, I check in with myself to be certain I am truly committed to my purpose and that I truly believe that I have assessed the situation accurately. Our minds can play tricks on us when we have strong feelings.

2.    Then, I ask myself: “Is this an attachment to a particular way of getting to the goal?”  “Can I let go enough to drop or revise my goal?” For example, when another person makes a promise and doesn’t follow through, I can decide not to proceed on the basis of that person’s involvement. Or I can revise my goal from “achieve this project with this person’s involvement” to “achieve this project with resources I can count on.”  Then, I have a basis of equanimity to approach this person – not with anger – but with the intention that I will only work with people I feel are reliable.

3.    I use my mental calmness to access a new strategy. Rather than arguing in the face of a non-logical comeback in an argument, I gather my confidence in the evidence and logic of my position.  I calmly and graciously ask that person a question that invites them to re-check their information.  When faced with a “victim”, I use my questions to generate accountability in them, such as, “so when can you have that for me?” or “what will you do to address that obstacle?” and if I really mean it: “how can I be of some assistance?”

These steps assist me to use my expertise, access my equanimity (mental calmness and composure in difficult situations), and rely on my persistence to see the possibilities when I am faced with opposition and resistance – including my own.  I know I can conduct myself with grace - in a respectful and constructive way - and build my professional presence in the face of adversity. You can too!

Don't Worry, Be Joyful

We created a short video with a powerful message. Take a look.

 

Video editor: Melenie McGregor