Helene Lerner's Blog, page 101

Are you using "I'm Sorry" too much?

 

In my blog on self-compassion this month, I wrote about how important it is to treat yourself like a nurturing parent. This is a positive practice for building our confidence and adds powerfully to our professional presence. An often unconscious habit that can hurt our professional presence is unnecessary apologizing.  I realized that I find myself doing this too much. I noticed that I was saying, “I’m sorry” for the slightest things, like an unconscious habit:

•    Someone puts his arm on my armrest on the airplane and knocks mine off. I say, “I'm sorry.”

•    I pop into a person’s office, and I start with “I’m sorry.”

•    I speak at the same time as another starts to speak. I say, “I’m sorry.” If it’s a man, he doesn’t say it. If it’s a woman, we both say it at the same time.

Apologizing is actually a good thing to do and can be powerful in building strong relationships and gaining trust. But, it should be done thoughtfully and purposefully. The kind of “I’m sorries” that I am referring to are the ones that are verbal habits that pull down the confidence and credibility that we can exude by our professional presence.  Check out Pantene’s Be Strong and Shine videos on You Tube. They are short and very powerful depictions of this pattern.  These videos illustrate how one can show up with greater presence by making a few shifts in behavior.

Women naturally use apologies to be polite and equalize a power differential.  With men, the evolutionary origins of apologizing are different. Men naturally treat apologizing in a hierarchical way since their general orientation is hierarchical. The one who is apologized to becomes the alpha.  Women that apologize habitually unwittingly make the other the alpha. While women are more forgiving of habitual “I’m sorries”, it still detracts from their professional presence. 

This is what I do now:
•    My arm is pushed off the armrest and I look over – I don’t say anything.
•    I open the door to a person’s office and say, “Good morning. I’d like to talk with you about something important.”
•    I speak at the same time as another person starts to speak, and I pause. I either speak or say, “Go right ahead.”

Get People to Notice You

I remember when I made a conscious effort to shift my behavior so that it made a difference to my professional presence. As a matter of fact, I made several changes in the way I dressed, the way I showed up on time, and how I waited for others to contribute their opinions before I jumped in. These were subtle changes.  But I thought, together they made a positive difference in how I was showing up, based on feedback I had received from trusted colleagues.  But, no one noticed. I kept getting the same feedback. Why does this happen?

One’s professional reputation is based on consistent behavior. If you make a change once or in front of one type of audience, this will not make a change in the eyes of others. It must happen consistently – with every audience - in order to be considered a change that makes a difference in perceptions about you.  The other factor in changing a reputation is how we all tend to put others in a box with their name on it. It makes people more comfortable to predict and deal with. I put Julie in the “Julie Box” with: “Oh, I know that Julie is always 5 minutes late, so I’ll adjust my expectations.” Or with “Heather’s Box” I say: “I better give Heather a heads up on this news since she always panics.” It works the other way with positive perceptions, too: “Gillian is brilliant with numbers. I’ll run it by her first.”  However, even when there is a noticeable change, unless it happens consistently, it doesn’t change the nature of others’ box for you. They will keep waiting to see their picture of you verified and focus on that all the time.

I learned a great technique for changing others’ perceptions so they notice the changes you make. My friend, Marshall Goldsmith, shared it with me years ago and it is a very reliable series of steps.  He talks about it in his recent article: You’ve changed, why didn’t they notice?

Take these 4 steps:

1.    Approach each of your colleagues (in person, preferably) to let them know you are making some shifts, and specifically what behaviors they can look for.

2.    Ask them for assistance in supporting your plan by giving you occasional feedback. This enlists their support and ensures they will pay attention to your behavior changes.

3.    Be sure to follow through on the declared changes in behavior - consistently.

4.    Check in with stakeholders informally about once a month to get their feedback. This ensures they will be noticing your changes and you will get credit for them, even when you fall down occasionally.
I did this and in only 2 months I was getting positive credit for the shifts I made in my behavior.  My professional presence took a positive turn and my colleagues felt honored to be part of my “developmental network.” Try this and please let me know how it goes!

Video: Secrets of Highly Successful Women

Take a look at our new video about practices of successful women. Enjoy!

 

Video editor: Melenie McGregor

Practice Self-Compassion

Women often find their confidence suffering when they hold high standards for themselves they struggle to meet.  And when these women don’t meet their own standards, they can be very hard on themselves.  This further erodes their self-confidence.  This self-defeating spiral results in a drain on professional presence.  This can color the impact we make when we say, “I’m sorry” too much.

What we can do to counter this is practice self-compassion and watch our own behavior with apologies.

In a Fast Company article I recently read, entitled 5 Ways to Lean in Without Burning Out by Vanessa Loder and Lisa Abramson, I learned that practicing self-compassion is one of the important contributions to how effective women succeed in their career aspirations.

Self-compassion is an often under-utilized practice for high achieving women. Women are taught from a young age that being hard on themselves or feeling guilty will motivate them to strive to greater degrees. However, research by two physiologists, Claire Adams at Louisiana State University and Mark Leahy at Duke University, has demonstrated that the opposite is actually true. There is more value in self-compassion than self-criticism.

When we are self-critical, it erodes self-discipline, making it more likely to feel shame or embarrassment, be apologetic when there is no basis, and can interfere with self-confidence. Being self-critical makes you fear failure and lose faith in yourself. Even if you do achieve great things, you’re often miserable, anyway. Many of us know from having children that being a supportive and encouraging parent is more beneficial. If there has ever been a time when you’ve been told you’re a failure, it is likely that the last thing you think you’re capable of is succeeding, or even trying.

When you give yourself a message of self-compassion, it helps cultivate the willpower to resist doing things that might be harmful and builds your sense of self-efficacy.  Self-compassion acts like a nurturing parent, so even when you don’t do well, you’re still supportive and accepting of yourself.  This builds your capacity for resilience. Like a kind parent, your support and love are unconditional, and you realize that it’s OK to be imperfect.

Practice self-compassion and shift the way you use apologies with others to build your professional presence by:

Telling yourself “I’m doing the best I can do, it’s ok to take a break sometimes.” Consider how you treat someone else. What would you say to a good friend if they failed or felt rejected? Treat yourself the same way. You may find yourself doing better at work with less effort.

We can be so used to criticizing ourselves that we don’t even realize that we’re doing it. I know I can be pretty nasty with my language. I became away that I used words like “jerk” and “idiot.” Pay particular attention to the words you use to speak to yourself. Your brain believes the messages your words send. This is why self-criticism is so harmful.

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach, President, Strategic Leadership Resources

What makes a courageous woman?

Women are Courageous

So many women I meet are smart and strategic but they are also heart-centered.

.When a heart-felt challenge needs solving, who comes to the rescue? A Woman.

.When you need someone to lean on, who do you usually go to? A Woman.

.When two people disagree, who sets the foundation for agreement? A Woman.

We need to appreciate ourselves more and the impact we have. We need to give ourselves the credit we deserve. It takes courage to claim our accomplishments and go for bigger and better things.

But when did we ever shy away from an important challenge?  It's time to step out even more boldly!

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Appreciate the Little Things

Fun new video about not taking little things for granted. Take a look.

 

Video editor Melenie McGregor

Aarti Sequeira's Pepper Steak Sandwiches

We recently spoke with Aarti Sequeira, host of the Food Network's Aarti Party. Here is a recipe she shared with us, based on one of her family's favorites. Enjoy!

The British are fond of their Sunday roasts, but they had a bit of a hard time when they arrived in India, a country where hardly anyone ate beef, and hardly anyone had an oven! And so, the story goes, this is how this stovetop version of roast beef came about. This is based on my grandmother Lucia’s recipe, one so beloved by my mum and her sisters that they still refer to it simply as “Mummy’s Pepper Steak.” It originally involved potatoes; I nixed the potatoes and turned the meat into my version of that great American table staple, the steak sandwich.

Mummy's Pepper Steak Sandwiches

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SERVES 4
ACTIVE TIME: about 30 minutes
TOTAL TIME: about 30 minutes

1 pound sirloin petite roast or sirloin fillet
2 teaspoons whole black peppercorns
3 whole cloves
1 (1-inch) cinnamon stick
Pinch of cayenne
1tablespoon malt vinegar or apple cider vinegar
Kosher salt
2 tablespoons sunflower oil
1 medium onion, sliced into ¼-inch half-moons
2 tablespoons minced peeled fresh ginger
1 large ripe tomato, sliced into 1-inch wedges
¼ cup water
¼ cup chopped fresh cilantro leaves and soft stems
 4 (8- to 9-inch-long) toasted rolls

Slice the sirloin against the grain into ½-inch slices, then flatten the slices with either the back of your knife or a meat mallet until they’re a little over ¼ inch thick. Set aside in a bowl.

Grind the peppercorns, cloves and cinnamon stick in a spice grinder into a fine powder. Tap the spice mixture into a small bowl and add the cayenne, vinegar and 1teaspoon kosher salt, stirring to produce a wet, sand-like paste. Massage this paste onto the beef, making sure that every piece is equally covered, and set aside on a plate at room temperature for 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, in a large cast-iron skillet, warm the oil over medium-high heat until shimmering. Add the onion and a pinch of salt and sauté until the onion is softened and translucent, 2 to 3 minutes.

Add the ginger and continue cooking, stirring frequently, until the onion turns a soft amber and smells sweet, 4 to 5 minutes.

Arrange the onions in an even layer and place the beef over the onions in an even layer. Cook for about 3 minutes, or until the underside has browned slightly and the onions have started releasing their juices.

Stir it all together and cook for a minute more. Add the tomato and cook, stirring every now and then, until the tomato begins to wilt and the skin rolls back from the flesh a little, about 5 minutes. Turn the heat off and let the whole thing sit for 5 minutes, so that the tomato can melt a little more and make a light gravy. Add the water and scrape the bottom of the pan to create more gravy. Finish with cilantro and tuck the mixture into the rolls. Serve immediately!

Tip: If you’re out of cloves and cinnamon, mix 1 ½ teaspoons freshly ground black pepper with ½ teaspoon garam masala!

Do You Present Yourself Effectively?

Presence is expressed in the way you communicate, the way you enter a room, fill your seat at the table, your voice, your dress, and your posture.  The way all these things appear to others sends a message about you - how confident you are, your energy, your self-regard and self-esteem, your approachability and whether you show up as a good person to know.  To project a clear story, all these messages your appearance conveys must hang together congruently. Here are some important ingredients to consider when addressing congruency in your professional presence.

Know your authentic style. We each have a unique style all our own. According to Danielle LaPorte and Carrie McCarthy who wrote the book Style Statement: Live by Your Own Design, awareness of your own style helps you make more confident choices in life -- from your wardrobe to your relationships, your living room to your career plans. In their process, there are questions you ask yourself to arrive at two words. The first is a word that describes something foundational to your style, such as being refined, natural or traditional, and something that expresses what motivates and distinguishes you, such as dramatic, treasure, or bold. Regardless of your approach to defining your authentic style, the important part is self-inquiry to arrive at a way to express your essential self in every kind of situation.

My authentic style can be summarized in the two words: elegant flair. The foundation is being appropriate, artistic, chic, dignified, graceful, and simple. The flair portion is about my natural talent and ability expressed through mastery, splash, taste, glamour and panache. My awareness assists me with clothing choices and my behavior wherever I go.

Consider the context of the situation. Context always starts with the role you play in a situation. Are you a team member, content expert, project manager, facilitator? What are the norms and expectations at play with others in this situation?  Each opportunity has its own context, which can give you some clues about the impact you wish to make, how to dress, how to enter the room, and how to use your voice to express yourself effectively and authentically.

When I facilitated a board retreat last week, I dressed conservatively to underscore my supportive role and the fact that most of the group was meeting me for the first time. I came in very prepared and deferred to the group leader, since it was her agenda I was there to support. When I stood up to take the lead, I was a combination of warm/welcoming and commanding, since my role was to lend structure to the meeting.

Prepare for the impression you wish to make. What is your goal in this situation? What would success look like for you? What is the anticipated environment in the situation – supportive? Will there be some resistance? These questions help shape your appearance, the volume and tenor of your voice, your posture, and energy as you shape your message.

When I facilitate, I want to communicate my expertise and authority.  I lower my voice an octave or two. If I anticipate resistance, I ensure my energy and facial expressions appear warm and receptive.  Since I want to influence behavior, I am prepared with objectives, agenda, exercises and materials to support the meeting.

If everything I do is congruent with my authentic style, purpose and being, then I know I will generate a powerful professional presence.  How do you go about it? Please reply with an illustrative story.

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach, President, Strategic Leadership Resources

Aarti Sequeira on Courage, Parenting and More

We recently spoke with Aarti Sequeira, host of the Food Network's Aarti Party. She shared with us her insights about following your passion, becoming a parent and switching careers.

Was there anyone growing up who saw something in you that you didn’t see in yourself?

Wow what a good question. I was probably 7 or so when I transferred out of the primarily Indian-attended school in Dubai to a primarily-British attended school. I felt like something of an outsider, having never spent that much time with, frankly, white people -- and many of them had never spent much time with an Indian person. I had a hard time making friends until a girl named Suzanne Wynn kindly answered the teacher's request to the class to be friends with me. She was my first best friend. I suppose she saw something in me that I wasn't sure was in myself -- someone worth befriending!

You began your career at CNN. What encouraged you to switch to a career in cooking? How did you make the transition?

I was about 11 when the first Gulf War started, just a few borders away from our home in Dubai. It was what first put the bee in my bonnet about becoming a journalist, because the local TV station started broadcasting CNN. I watched what those men and women were doing, reporting from the field, and I knew that was what I wanted to do with my life: I wanted to be just like Christiane Amanpour! So when, at the age of about 25, I realized that the passion for journalism had died out in my heart, it was a very hard for me, because it felt like my very identity had vanished. I had moved to LA from New York to be with my husband who was pursuing an acting career here -- I couldn't find work, I couldn't drive (the stick shift scared me!) and I knew I couldn't keep sitting on the couch. So, I cracked open a wedding gift, The Joy of Cooking, walked to the grocery store every day, bought fixin's for dinner, then walked back home and cooked for my husband who was working. I slowly started to throw myself into cooking, learning its ABCs.
 
What advice would you give to women who might want to make a career change but aren’t sure about taking the risk?

Consider why you want the career change, then talk to someone who is in that career that you have your eye on. Working in restaurants was in actuality much more back-breaking than I had imagined. Rewarding yes, but it helped me realize that owning and running a restaurant is a calling. And while I admired it and enjoyed it, it probably wasn't mine.
 
Earlier this year, you blogged about the post-partum depression you experienced after giving birth to your daughter. What has helped you handle it, and what would you say to others going through the same thing?

A few things. My husband has been incredible. He helped me accept that something was wrong when I didn't want to, held me as I cried and spoke truth and encouragement into the confusion and hopelessness that takes over. He helped me feel like this wasn't my fault, and that it was something I needed to get help for. He basically took the stigma out of it for me, and that's what I want to do for other women in my position. New mothers are fed all kinds of expectations -- that you will be the perfect picture of joy, that your maternal instinct will kick in and you'll know exactly what to do, that you and your baby will bond instantly. None of this was true for me. And so I felt like a freak! I would tell other women that if, after the first week or so of baby blues, you're still feeling the shadows closing in on yourself, talk to your family. Go to the Postpartum Support International website and call the toll-free number to find a support group in your neighborhood. This is not going to last forever.

What are the qualities you hope to instill in your daughter?

My hope is that she will learn through me, that courage is not the steely-eyed superhero we see in the movies or read in fables. It's someone who knows very well what they're walking into and is quite afraid of it and who walks onto the battlefield anyway.

What advice would you give to your younger self, just starting out?

Be more humble. I was a bit cocky I think, having just graduated from a tremendous journalism program at Northwestern. It's good to be confident, but realize that you don't know everything yet. You're just starting out. Have a humble heart, and people will be willing to teach you everything you need to know.

Why You Need to Build Relationship Intelligence

Not very long ago, I was brought into a team meeting as the facilitator and responsible for ensuring the successful achievement of meeting outcomes. I had agreement on the agenda and the meeting design with the group leader to support what she wanted to accomplish, I trusted that I was fully prepared for this assignment. No sooner had the meeting leader introduced me to the group, than one of the meeting participants, a man we'll call Brad, said, “We don’t need a facilitator! What difference could she possibly make to our meeting?” I found myself immediately feeling defensive. The group leader turned expectantly towards me. I guess the ball was in my court! 

I realized that my reaction and response in the next few minutes could set the tone for the rest of the day and affect my presence and effectiveness in the room. This moment called for relationship intelligence (RQ). What are the ingredients for RQ? Just like emotional intelligence or EQ, it calls for self-awareness to realize your own feelings, a consideration of the other’s feelings, as well as the impact your behavior can have on others. The ingredients are:

Empathy for others means making an empathic connection and concern with others, and understanding their perspectives, feelings and needs. 

After giving myself a moment to think, I responded to this outburst with a calmly delivered statement and question. “You sound to me like you must have had some difficult experiences with a facilitator. What specific concerns do you have about using a facilitator today?”

To activate your empathy, ask yourself: “What question will best reveal their perspectives, feelings and needs?”

Skillful listening and an appreciation for candor generate meaningful, empowering communication.  These are all critical skills in listening to the answers.  Brad answered my question with, “The last time we had a facilitator, she talked way too much and derailed our meeting. What a waste of time!”  In response, I welcomed his candor by expressing appreciation for this information and validated his feelings by saying how frustrated he must have been.  I asked him what “good facilitation” would have looked like to meet his expectations of effectiveness and efficiency.  This gave me the platform to demonstrate my understanding of his perspective and help him feel empowered as a team member.

To activate your skillful listening and empowering communication, ask yourself: “Am I clear about what I am hearing about the underlying meaning and feelings? Can I verify this through paraphrasing?  How can I let this person know I appreciate candor?”

Respectful behavior means valuing people and their contributions.  Brad answered, “I never saw a facilitator who added value.”  Again, in response, I didn’t react defensively. I smiled, nodded, and told him that I would be happy to describe my role and how my behavior would add value today, and that I will periodically request feedback from him and the group to course-correct if necessary.  This defused any possible antagonism on Brad’s part and indicated my respect for his participation and added value.

To activate your respect, ask yourself: “How might I let others know that I value them and their contributions?”

Composure under duress means having emotional fluency - feeling deeply and thinking clearly. Each emotion from our subconscious sends valuable messages to our conscious mind about a need we are not feeling confident we can meet. When I felt defensive, this was a signal to inquire of Brad about the nature of his concern. I no longer felt defensive, but curious – and I could easily retain my composure.

To activate your composure, ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now and what is this telling me about what I need? How can I strategically and skillfully meet this need? Do I need some time to reflect before acting?”

The meeting was a success!  Brad was won over pretty early by my willingness to listen to his complaint, and I checked in as the day unfolded to ensure his needs were being met. At the end of the day, he remarked that I was a very skilled facilitator and he was glad to have been part of the meeting.

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach, President, Strategic Leadership Resources