Helene Lerner's Blog, page 105

Move Through Your Fear

What inhibits you from moving forward? When you identify a goal and take actions to achieve it, you open yourself to the possibility of risk--getting or not getting what you desire, as well as the consequences of that result. It's frightening to step outside your comfort zone, which is what you are doing when you take a risk. You'll likely be afraid, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking action.

As Susan Jeffers, author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway says, "As long as I continued to push out into the world, as long as I continued to stretch my capabilities, as long as I continued to take new risks in making my dreams come true, I was going to experience fear."

The bottom line is--you can take a calculated risk and move though your fear.

Adapted from Smart Women Take Risks, by Helene Lerner. McGraw-Hill.

Career Coach: Welcome to August

Linda Popky is the president of Leverage2Market Associates, a Silicon Valley-based strategic marketing company that helps transform organizations through powerful marketing performance. Her clients range from small businesses and consultants to mid-sized companies and Fortune 500 enterprises.

In 2009, Linda was named one of the top women of influence in Silicon Valley and inducted into the Million Dollar Consultant® Hall of Fame. She is the first marketing expert worldwide certified to offer the Private Roster™ Mentoring Program for consultants and entrepreneurs. Linda is the past president of Women in Consulting and is a member of the Society for the Advancement of Consulting (SAC). She serves on the Strategic Development Board for Watermark, the organization for exceptional executive women who have made their mark.

Linda has taught marketing at San Francisco State University’s College of Extended Learning, University of California Santa Cruz Silicon Valley Extension, and West Virginia University’s online Integrated Marketing Communications program. She’s the author of workbooks on Marketing Your Career and Promoting Your Non-Profit.

Her new book, Marketing Above the Noise: Leveraging Timeless Principles for Strategic Advantage, will be published in early 2015.

A classically trained pianist, Linda recently released Night Songs, a CD of classical piano music.

Why We Need Best Friends

FRIENDSHIP is a hot topic, so we created a video with some of our favorite quotes. Take a look!

Video Editor--Chole Motisi

Music Provided By: Ally Calvine - Ukulele Fun
Royalty free Background Music No.1

What You Need to Learn from Rejection

A couple of days ago, Bob* called me and I could hear the excitement in his voice. He had been unemployed for a year after finishing college and had just found his first job. That year had been a trying time for Bob, however, he kept networking, going to interviews and dealing with rejection after rejection. So when he got his job offer, he not only had reason to celebrate, he started his new job having learned three important life lessons:

Persistence pays off. Bob worked hard the year after college painting houses making a paltry $12.00 an hour. He got discouraged and lost his vision at times. That’s okay, because he kept going on even when he didn’t feel like it. He networked, reminded his friends from time to time of his job search, asked for recommendations on LinkedIn, did volunteer work, and refused to quit. There were many days when Bob thought that his hard work and persistence was all for nothing. But it wasn't—it  paid off.

Change happens slowly, then suddenly. I’ve heard many motivational speakers and authors say that “Change happens in an instant.” Yes, I agree. It happens in an instant—but usually that “instant” happens after a long period of not giving up.  We would all like to be instant millionaires. However, we know that the change we want is a process that is often slower than we’d like. The good news is that if we keep at it, we reach the tipping point and then the change happens suddenly. Bob learned that if something was important, if he kept at it, it would happen "suddenly"--after he put in the required time and effort.
 
The more you put into something, the more you value it. I’m not saying it’s a virtue to make something harder than it has to be--it's not.  However, life shows us that the rewards go to those who are willing to put the time and effort in. If you want to run a marathon, you’re going to have to put in the miles of conditioning and the time it requires. You can certainly go to the pawn shop and buy a medallion some marathoner pawned, but it won't mean anything. To succeed in life, when things get hard for you, remember to keep at it. The more you give of yourself to get what you want, the more reason you will have to celebrate.

*Name was changed.

-Alan Allard, Career Coach

How to Start Doing What You Want to Do

Sometimes, in a coaching session, even my “best” clients lapse in the complaining mode. When that happened recently in a coaching session, I listened fully, empathized with my client and then asked him “Do you mind if I give you a crazy suggestion?  When he gave me the go-ahead, I said, “Great, but first, let’s back up so I can ask you another question. What he had been complaining about was work related, and I asked him, “Why are you working on a project that you say you hate?”

His reply was, “Because I don’t have a choice—I’m the only one who can do this and my boss expects me to do it.” “So,” I responded, “You are doing something you don’t want to do?” “That’s exactly right,” he replied, feeling very understood. “I hate it but I have to do it.” I understood what he meant, but I definitely disagreed with his conclusion. In fact, I don't think we ever do anything we don't want to--even though we might tell ourselves otherwise.  The fact is, if we dig deep enough, we have reasons for wanting to do most of the things we do, all things considered. For instance, I might not (on the surface) want to vacuum my house, but if I really think about it, I do it because I like a clean house.

When you tell yourself you “have” to do something or that you don’t want to do something, you will create internal resistance. After all, who likes to be told they have to do something? We always have a choice—and if we really think about it, we can find the reasons that, all things considered, we actually want to do a lot of we do. If that's so, how should I view the things I don't want to do--at first glance?

It’s much healthier for me to tell myself, “I don’t love doing this, but here are the reasons I am choosing to do it…” Telling myself "I don't want to do this but I have to" is the way of the victim. The other way is the way of empowerment.

-Alan Allard, Career Coach

How to Deal with the "Elephant in the Room"

When I work with senior managers on the topics of collaboration, teamwork and communication, there is almost always at least one “elephant in the room” they need to face. Executives are usually very smart, driven and highly skilled—as far as the technical aspects of their work go. They can talk all day long about projects, budgets, strategy and everything else outside of the "human" stuff.

But when it comes to having difficult conversations, when it comes to potential conflicts or resolving past conflicts, they are just like everyone else—“I’ll bring it up tomorrow.”

Here are four tips that will make having those anxiety producing conversations much less difficult:

Get help to get the ball rolling. If you’ve been avoiding having a talk with someone for the past month, how likely is it that you’re going to do it this week? Ask someone you trust to hold you accountable for doing what you’ve been saying you’re going to do. There’s nothing like making a commitment to someone you respect to get you out of your comfort zone. You might think you shouldn’t need to do ask someone for help, but that’s what friends or trusted colleagues at work are for.
 
Know your goal. Your outcome should be to resolve the issue or at least make progress towards that end. Although tempting, having open and honest communication isn’t about proving you were right all along or about “speaking your mind” without any regard for how you speak it. Remind yourself before the conversation begins that your goal is to do the best you can to make progress in communicating with each other. It’s okay if there needs to be more than one conversation—just remember each time what your goal is. Otherwise, we can all let our emotions get the better of us and derail our efforts.
 
Connect with the other person. It’s challenging to deal with conflict—but it’s impossible to do it if you can’t connect with the other person in some way. Tell the other person up front you respect them and you want to talk about the elephant in the room because you value the relationship and you know they do as well. Let them know that your intent is to listen fully, say what you need to with respect and to work together for solutions that are mutually beneficial. If the other person is reasonable, they will appreciate and respect you for communicating these things and they will be motivated to reciprocate. 

Own your part in feeding the elephant in the room. Since no one is perfect, we can all usually find something to own up to in the conflict. After all, if there's an elephant in the room, we're partly responsible for why it's still there. We can at least admit to that! The more you own your part in what's happened, the more likely the other person will own theirs. If you're worried about what they're going to think of you for admitting weakness, let them know that. They're probably worried about what you will think of them for admitting any mistakes and both of you can laugh about it. That's not a bad way to get started.

-Alan Allard, Career Coach

Are You Too Comfortable at Work?

Whether you feel worried or secure about your career, you need to always answer the question of “How am I doing?” From that vantage point, here are three “career audit” questions to ask yourself:
 
Am I too comfortable? Even if you are sure your job is secure, professionalism demands that you innovate, improve and increase your value. Have you been improving your skills, taking on new levels of responsibilities and increasing your visibility in both your company and your industry? This isn’t something you do when you are thinking about changing jobs—if you wait until then, it’s too late. It’s about challenging yourself to be your best and to do the best where you are. You owe that to yourself and your organization. However, if you stay on top of your game, and you do need to seek other opportunities, you will be ahead of the game.
 
Am I marketable? Many people, when they think of how marketable they are, think in terms of updating their resume. You need to think on another level—think about having a marketable product—that product being you. Do you have the education, the certifications, the experience, the references, the network and the self-confidence you need to market YOU, Inc.? If not, don’t panic. Now is the time to assess your marketability and see what you need to have or to do in order to be valued by your current employer or future employers.
 
Am I passionate? Recently, I’ve talked to three executives about their senior managers. Every one of the executives had a senior manager who performed beyond expectations in key areas—but they had lost their “fire.” All three senior managers did great work, but their hearts weren’t in their work. Does that describe you—and don’t pull any punches here. If so, find out what’s missing for you and how you can get your “fire” back. It might be you’re overwhelmed or underwhelmed—you have too much to do or you aren’t challenged enough in your current role. Whatever it might be, if you’ve lost your “fire,” find the cause and fix it like your career depends on it—because it does.

-Alan Allard, Career Coach

How to Have More Fun

Our community has been enjoying our videos. Take a look at our latest one about HOW TO HAVE MORE FUN.

Video Editor--Chloe Motisi

Are You Stretching Yourself or Pushing Too Hard?

Many women today, myself included, have unusually high expectations of themselves and the people close to them. We are learning how to stretch by challenging ourselves in every area of our lives—with family and friends, at the gym, and on the job. But stretching is very different from pressing ourselves. Stretching is an expansive state that leads to our taking positive actions. However, pressing suggests an unreasonableness, where we are asking too much of ourselves, demanding that we do better, grow more quickly, and too rapidly change our lives…

How can we take little steps towards not pushing ourselves too hard? By becoming aware of when we cross over the line, feel too tense, exhausted, or burned out. And when we are aware of this happening, we must change our direction: Do not work that extra hour or go to another engagement, but go out to dinner with a female friend (or take your husband and child out) or just go home; do the minimum of what has to be done, and go to be early. Remember, no one is keeping score. Also appreciate the special things that are in your life—a caring friend, lovely living quarters, a loving family. By bringing these things to mind, we nurture ourselves. We may even find that the need to press towards gaining another achievement diminishes.

Adapted from Our Power as Women, by Helene Lerner. Conari Press.

Why You Need to be a Power Team Player

This week I am doing training for a world-class company on the theme of "Being a Power Team Player." They know if they are going to continue to lead in their industry, they have to play a bigger game and they have to do it together in ways they haven't even yet thought of. We live in an increasingly complex world where we can have exceptional performers on a team and yet the team continues to be mediocre. That’s why companies today are not just looking for great performers—they are looking for great team players. If you want to be a power team player and help your team do great things, here are three tips:

Be proactive: Leaders go first when it comes to collaborating with others, whether they have a title or not. They’re not just “self-starters”—they also get others going as well. They ignite the qualities of caring, sharing and working with others on their team and throughout the company. Power players are not the norm because too many of us tend to keep our heads down. What about you? How often have you taken the lead to offer another team your expertise, insights and your help in some way? 

Be exceptional: Sometimes it’s all you can do to just keep up with your own work—I get that. I often hear, from the front line all the way up to senior management, “I would like to do more with and for others, but I can only do so much.” That’s common thinking, but that’s not how power team players think and act. Power team players are exceptional because they connect with others, dream with others and challenge others while most say they don’t have the time or the “authority” to do so. To be a power team player, you have to speak up, share your ideas, ask questions, challenge the status quo and in general, inspire others with your team mindset.
 
Be consistent: Almost everyone exhibits team thinking and team behaviors—some of the time. Power team players are known for their consistency in bringing others into the conversation, asking for ideas from those who are rarely sought out and for encouraging the silent ones to speak what’s on their minds. Power team players know that most people are not collaborating to the greatest extent they are capable of—and they know it takes time to change thinking and habits. They are patiently consistent with others. And while most are busy with their own work, power team players are getting their work done and communicating, sharing and working with those around them.

-Alan Allard, Career Coach