Helene Lerner's Blog, page 106

Why You Need to Make Fun a Priority

Some of us don’t take time out of our busy schedules to play. We may even feel that it’s a waste of time. Unfortunately, we lose sight of our need to replenish ourselves. A woman’s basic needs are not only food, clothing, and shelter, but also caring, friendship, and FUN. Yes, fun works wonders. Fun lightens our burdens, gives us new perspectives, and frees our minds to face ordinary situations with renewed enthusiasm. Here’s a case in point:

Have you ever come home from work feeling so tired that the only thing you were capable of doing was brushing your teeth and crawling into bed? Take this same scenario and add to it a phone call from your best friend, who loves to joke with you. You hear her laugh and your exhaustion goes away. Instead of wanting to go to sleep, you’d rather meet her and go dancing.

Playing is not just for little children. A few good jokes, drinking a cappuccino with a special friend, roller-skating with your children, swimming, collecting shells on a beach—all of these activities can transform exhaustion into energy. We all have a child inside us that wants to have fun, but do we let her come out and play? You know what she’ll do if you don’t! Throw a tantrum in the form of being bored, exhausted, or uncooperative.

Adapted from Our Power as Women, by Helene Lerner. Conari Press.

Why You Need to Receive, As Well As Give

If we want to be happy, successful and to thrive in life, we have to know how to both give and receive. Some are definitely more comfortable with the giving part. However, the more we grow in both graces, the more we experience the flow of life. Here are two tips to help us grow in our understanding of the power of giving and receiving.

What you give comes back to you:

Someone once told me “We should give without expecting anything in return—that’s true giving.” That sounds like a healthy perspective, at first hearing. However, I have a different take on it: I don't think it's healthy at all. In fact, I think we ought to expect a return on our giving. After all, we have needs and desires of our own—if we don’t get them met, what would we give from? It’s fine to give to someone or to some cause without expecting anything back from that specific source—but to not expect a harvest from the seeds we plant is misguided. You can’t give out of what you don’t have. Be a giver, yes, but remember to receive when the giving is coming from the other direction and stay in the flow of the universe.

When it comes, be ready to receive:

There are many people who are uncomfortable receiving a compliment or receiving help when they need it. They don’t want to be in anyone’s debt, so they inadvertently make it difficult for others to give to them. To receive graciously, without embarrassment or shame takes a sense of self-worth. You are worthy to receive—you don’t have to earn that right. I'm talking about receiving things such as love, respect for being a fellow human-being or help when someone offers it. At work, you have to earn your paycheck; that's a given. However, even at work, when we realize we all have strengths, talent and passion and find a place to exercise them, we're eager to go to work and give even beyond what's expected.

Take the “Ready to Receive” Test:
 

If you’re searching for a job, have you let others you know that you need their help?
Do you find it difficult to ask for a raise, even if you know you’ve earned it?
 Are you uncomfortable when someone says, “Let me pay for lunch today.”
If you need to borrow money from a family member or friend; will you ask them without feeling that you’re somehow less than them?
Can you open up to others about your fears, mistakes and self-doubts and really hear them when they tell you how much they respect you and what they see as your strengths and gifts to the world are?

 

How to Enjoy Life

Our community has been asking for more videos--this is a fabulous one on how to enjoy life.

Video Editor--Chloe Motisi

What Your Boss Really Needs from You

Many employees wish they had a better boss. That’s understandable, given the not so great state of management in our companies and organizations. But guess what? Most supervisors and managers wish they had better employees. That’s why you hear so much about the dire state of employee engagement—only 30% of employees are truly engaged according to Gallup.

The state of management doesn’t look like it’s going to be transformed anytime soon—and you’re not going to fix the employee engagement problem single-handedly. So what can you do? You can focus on what you can control by focusing on giving your manager what he or she wants and needs from you. Here are three ways to do that:

No surprises. Keep your boss informed of anything and everything that is important for them to know. Your boss doesn’t want to learn about a problem after the fact when you could have told them of a possible storm coming their way. If you keep your boss informed, you will increase his or her trust in you, and as a result, you will have more influence over them. If you’re not sure you should communicate with your boss about something, that’s likely a sign you should. Over time, you will refine your ability to know what and how much to communicate to your boss.

Be sure you know  your boss's expectations. I’ve said it before and it bears repeating: the only way you can be sure you know what your boss says is to ask on a consistent basis and get it in writing. When you meet with your boss to discuss expectations, take notes and confirm your understanding as you are listening and asking questions. Afterwards, send your boss an email detailing what you understand the expectations to be and have them confirm or clarify your understanding.

Express your appreciation and respect. From your vantage point, it might look like it’s easy to be the boss, but in reality, it’s not. As a boss, you have to do your work, help your team with their work—and you have to satisfy senior management. Someone, on some level, is always going to be unhappy about something. Your boss needs to hear from you what they’re doing right and what you appreciate about their leadership. A good rule of thumb is he or she needs to hear positives from you ten times for every  complaint or a disappointment they hear from you.

-Alan Allard, Career Coach

Summer Style File

If you have taken heed of my tips and suggestions for must-haves, you have likely been getting the right kind of attention everywhere you go; from the desk to dinner! Here are a few additions to regenerate your old wardrobe and make old looks new again with just a new view on how to wear it. 

A Blazer Vest

This classic double-breasted blazer is the perfect warm-weather layering piece. Wherever you would wear a blazer, substitute it for this sleeveless alternative to give your regular suit and blouse combination just the right finesse without the trouble of becoming too hot in the summer heat.

The White Collared Shirt

In a twist of events, the white collared shirt—a classic office staple—was actually a hot trend on the runway this year (but with an update, of course). Think very crisp, a bit edgier, and a more interesting silhouette. But this souped-up fashion version still works perfectly with your go-to work outfits.

A Flounce-Hem Skirt

The flounce hem gives a ladylike touch to the classic pencil skirt but is still totally work-appropriate. It's a refreshing piece to pair with a collared shirt, light summer sweater, sheath top, or boxy blazer—and, if your office is cool with it, try out some fun colors.

Modern Suiting and a Graphic Tee

A jacket and blazer never looked so...chic. A cropped trouser cut and emblazoned T-shirt give the traditional suit a whole new spin.  Fashion has often sought inspiration from art. Geometric patterns, water brush marks, graffiti, you name it--GRAPHIC PRINTS are back in style. For the workplace; it looks pretty cool to wear this trend with a suit or with jeans and a blazer and heels. Wear your art to work

Black and White

Tried-and-true monochromatic always works, but a little detail offers a twist on the classic. Black and white alone or in combination with another color like shown here is a strong and easy fashion statement to stay in trend 


Black and white alone or in combination with other solids like that traditional navy suit everyone has tucked in the back of the closet is a strong and easy way to make new fashion statement and stay in trend  with little cost


You can also add a bold colored brooch, or statement necklace to elevate the classic pairing.

White on White

White on White isn’t usually considered a reasonable color combination for the workplace, however it does work beyond weddings and christenings. Mix it up a little and try wearing gold accessories with White. It’s a fantastic way to bump up the soft ethereal feeling you get when wearing all white. Don’t be scared to ride on the wild side every now and again!

Next month will be my final installation for the Summer Style Philes then we will get ready for the fabulous transformations in store for Fall/Winter Fashion. Stay Tuned! Keep enjoying summer; it’s almost over.

Pamela Watson is an experienced stylist who currently works as the trend expert for Builders of Style, where she prepares A-list clients for red carpet events, music videos, concerts, and award shows.

What Difficult People Can Teach You

Every company has them and most teams have at least one. Families often have one as well. You know what I’m talking about; the employee or family member that makes you want to walk the other way when you see them coming. Instead of complaining about the difficult person in your midst, why not ask what they can teach you about--you? For example:

You have buttons they can push:

Who do you find it the most difficult to be around? Is it the narcissist who makes sure the conversation is always about them? Is it the complainer who finds fault with the resort the company chose for your team’s annual celebration? Or is it the passive-aggressive person who has perfected his or her tone while delivering the accusation, “That’s not what I meant—don’t be so sensitive!”? We all have buttons, areas of sensitivity that others can easily find and manipulate. Whatever yours is, the difficult person is there to remind you that it’s still there and that they “own” you as long as you have that button.

You have room to improve as well:

There is no doubt that the “difficult” person needs to overhaul their communication and interpersonal skills in the area or areas that make them difficult for many people. But what about you? Have you considered that the difficult person could be viewed as a reminder that you’re not as assertive as you need to be? That difficult person isn’t likely to change, are they? You can either keep letting that person push your button or you can decide it’s time for you to learn to be more assertive and set boundaries with them. The difficult person can teach you, “This isn’t just all about me—you have a part in this as well.”

You have blind spots too:

The difficult person has a behavior (or several) that is so unpleasant that everyone agrees there’s a problem—a serious problem. The bigger problem is they’re oblivious to what’s plain to everyone else! How can that be? The answer is that they’re just like you and me. We all have blind spots. We’re not blind to a horrendous behavior because our behaviors aren’t on that level. Yet, we’re not perfect either. Difficult people remind us that we all have blind spots. We can be like the difficult people and stay oblivious—or we can learn from them ask for some candid feed-back. Just because our behavior might not be a serious problem doesn’t mean we should ignore it.

-Alan Allard, Career Coach

Why You Need to Take Risks, Even When You're Afraid

The Fear Factor

What inhibits you from moving forward? When you identify a goal and take actions to achieve it, you open up yourself to the possibility of risk—getting or not getting what you desire, as well as the consequences that result. It’s frightening to step outside your comfort zone, which is what you are doing when you take a risk. You’ll likely be afraid, but that doesn’t have to stop you from taking action.

As Susan Jeffers, author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, says, “As long as I continued to push out into the world, as long as I continued to stretch my capabilities, as long as I continued to take new risks in making my dreams come true, I was going to experience fear.”
 
Turn Fear into Excitement

I invite you to shift how you view fear. Did you ever think that when you’re afraid, you are actually excited? Our bodies react to fear and excitement in the same way—a quickened heartbeat, perspiration, cold and clammy hands.

Early on, I remember how I worried after I received a promotion at my first job. I was concerned about my new responsibilities and whether I could handle them. My mentor advised me that I wouldn’t have been offered the position if others didn’t think I could do it, and do it well. She also pointed out that it sounded like I was more excited than afraid. Suddenly, my attitude changed. Her guidance and friendship gave me the permission I needed to feel exhilarated about my new job. Consequently, I was looking forward to moving ahead.

Excerpted from Smart Women Take Risks, by Helene Lerner. McGraw-Hill, 2006.

The Key to Ending Perfectionism, Starting Now

I was having lunch with Jack* discussing a change management project I was coaching him on. He knew I used to be a psychotherapist and he asked, “Can I change the subject?” I said “Yes, of course—what’s on your mind?” Jack told me he had wanted to write a book for the past five years but he kept “getting stalled.” When I asked Jack what that meant, he said “I write a page or two, don’t like it and end up deleting most of it.”

This is what I said to him:

When we say we want to do something and we get stuck, the problem is often perfectionism. It is a way of thinking that becomes a habit and it turns life and work into a series of tests. The test is “Do I measure up? Am I good enough?” Perfectionism makes it difficult to write a book or do anything else. It makes it hard to speak up and be heard (what if I’m wrong?) to set boundaries (what if I’m being selfish?) or to take more risks (what if I fail?)

The cure for perfectionism is simple and hard at the same time: Unconditional self-love. The kind of positive self-regard that says “I love myself no matter what. I may not always love or even like my behavior, but I always love myself—no matter what.” When your self-worth isn’t at stake, you can make a mistake, learn from it and move on. You can write a book no one wants to read and keep writing because you enjoy the thrill of expressing yourself without fear of judgment.

Loving yourself, no matter what, also clears the way for knowing what you truly want in life (not everyone wants to write a book) and it gives you permission to go for it without fearing failure. After all, if you succeed, you’re not going to love yourself more and if you fail, you’re not going to love yourself any less. Loving yourself no matter what is the most powerful thing you can do—for yourself and for others.

Jack was doing what many of us do—he was subconsciously tying his self-worth to how well he could write a book. Instead of loving himself unconditionally and just doing what would bring him joy, he was trying to prove something to himself. Perhaps you do that as well. Why not give yourself what you are looking for first (love and everything that comes from it)and then allow that to inspire everything else you do in life? Practice that and instead of being held back by perfectionism, you will find yourself inspired and unstoppable.

-Alan Allard, Career Coach

*Name changed

How to Embrace Pleasure

Our community has been enjoying the series of wonderful quote videos we've been sharing. The newest one is about embracing pleasure. Enjoy!

Video Editor--Chloe Motisi

Strongly Communicating Important Points

I received a call this week from a client who is a senior executive in a large company. He was upset because another executive, one of his peers in another department, emailed him with a “complaint.” It seems my client’s colleague had taken issue with how my client had handled something and he decided to express that via email.

You probably know where I’m going with this. You know that if you have something important to say, communicating face to face or over the telephone is the way to go. The written word can’t convey your tone of voice and communicating by email opens up too many possibilities for misunderstandings. Beyond that (as if that’s not enough), emailing doesn’t allow you to gauge the impact of your message and recalibrate when necessary.

Still, every day, this kind of mistake is made, even by seasoned executives who should know better. Why is that? The culprit is our emotions.  When we’re frustrated, hurt or angry, we forget the things we know when our minds are clear. Our emotions cloud our judgment and we don’t hear the alarm going off warning us not to make a rookie mistake. Moreover, when our emotions are running even a little high, we get impatient and want to say what’s on our minds now, not later. We just send the missive off via email. 

But that’s not the only reason even smart people succumb to the lure of communicating sensitive matters via email. Sometimes we’re just plain nervous about saying what’s on our minds in person and we want to take the easy way out. We tell ourselves we’re dealing with the matter and speaking up—and we believe that—at least in the moment. For a little while, we feel brave because we’re insulated from the other person we “just have to say this to.”

I’ve done this before and I bet you have as well. I’d also bet that for every time it seemed to have worked out in your favor, there were more times we just created a bigger problem. The call from my client was a reminder for me: If I have something important to say, I need to give myself and the other party the best chance to have an effective conversation and a successful outcome. That’s not likely to happen if I resort to email. Not likely at all.