How to Start Initiating Change

From time to time, a client will tell me, “I need your help changing something I've never been able to change.” Can you relate? Have you ever wondered why you’ve struggled to change something and can’t seem to do it? Everyone has at one point or another. Why is that? Is it lack of willpower? Is it laziness? Is there something wrong with you? 

As a former psychotherapist, and now as an executive coach and life coach, I have some good news for you… there’s nothing wrong with you. But while there’s nothing wrong with you, there is a common reason why we often fail to make the changes we want: we’re not being fully honest with ourselves about the change we say we want. 

Imagine listening in to a coaching conversation I’m having with a client. In each bullet point below, the first sentence is the truth, but it’s not the whole story. It’s the second sentence fills in the rest of the blanks. When we leave the second part out of the equation we make change very difficult:

“I want to be more assertive. But I don’t want to because it’s easier to keep the peace.”
“I want to eat healthier. But I don’t want to today… It’s easier to begin tomorrow.”
“I want to save more money. But I don’t want to because it’s easier to think I’m doing just fine.”
“I want to have a better relationship. But I don't want to deal with it right now.”

When we tell ourselves the first part of the story and leave out the second, we’re fooling ourselves into thinking “I want to change, end of story.” But it’s not the end of the story; it’s just the first part. The last part is what's keeping us from changing faster and easier.

Telling only part of the story doesn’t just happen with individuals—it also happens frequently with teams at work. I’ve had companies bring me in to do workshops on collaboration, saying “We want to change the way we work together.” However, during the workshop, I discover they want to but they also don’t want to. They want the rewards of collaboration but they don't want the hard work that comes before.

We have to quit being afraid of thinking “I don’t want to change this."  That’s not easy, but until we see the whole picture nothing is going to change. When we listen to the whole story with patience, empathy and respect, oftentimes the "I don't want to" begins to fade away and the "I want to" begins to write the story. That's when change happens.

—Alan Allard, Executive Coach