Helene Lerner's Blog, page 160

Career Coach: Ask Questions, Be a Leader

Questions are such an important tool for accessing the best thinking – our own and from others. If you observe a room of people – or even just two – having a dialogue, it’s always the person asking the questions that has the power. Why? Questions naturally direct the attention of respondents to search for the answers. Follow these rules to use questions more skillfully.

Be clear about your purpose for the question. Know what you want before you ask. For example, is this a question to get information, to start an action, or to think about a new subject? Asking questions to elicit information and data is different from asking questions designed to get others to ponder, reflect, and think outside the box. 

Observe the Golden Rule. Ask questions of the other person as you would like to be questioned. For instance, keep questions simple and be careful about how the question is delivered. To neutralize “defensive listening,” deliver questions in a neutral or accepting tone. Use welcoming facial expressions and body language (remember, even on the phone you can tell if a person is smiling!). Ask only one question at a time.

Use common sense. For instance, don’t ask a complicated, difficult, or emotional question when the other person is running late for a meeting or swamped with work. Instead, set up the question to let them know what may be coming. For example: “I have a question about that situation with XYZ Company that we talked about last week.”

Resist quick, automatic answers. In general, people are rewarded for answering quickly, not thoughtfully. To make room for creative and critical thinking, create a gap between the question and possible answers so new thinking can occur. A method of doing this is to use “wait time.” Research indicates that if a teacher waits for three to five seconds for students to answer a question, the thought process is richer, deeper, and more complex. 

Encourage “first draft thinking.” Make the meeting a safe place to think up new ideas by letting employees know that this is just the first stage of development. They will be more willing to throw out fresh – but perhaps not fully fleshed-out – ideas that with further brainstorming can have true potential. 

Using questions skillfully and strategically can be the best quality a leader can have. Happy question asking!

–Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Beauty in Full Bloom

Two decades ago, Marilyn Waga and her daughter, Meredith Waga Perez, opened their own floral and event design firm, Belle Fleur. With Marilyn's background in hospitality, and Meredith's experience in fashion design, the business found great success – they've been featured in the pages of Harpers Bazaar, Town & Country, and The New York Times. Here, the mother-daughter entrepreneurial duo share what they've learned about themselves and each other along this "phenomenal journey," and what floral arrangements you should keep in mind when selecting a gift for the special women in your life this Mother's Day. 

–Video by Nicolena Basso

Career Coach: Keep Your Cool Through Conflict

Do any of us really like conflict? Personally, I prefer to avoid the ugliness of the turmoil that arguments may provoke, especially when we become unreasonable. Anyone who has gotten into an argument with a teenager knows what I mean – the harsh words, the emotional distress, the yelling. I have caught myself in the throes of an emotional surge and walked away, seething. Holding one’s tongue and swallowing strong feelings may work in the short run, but it can lead to great problems down the road. It takes much more discipline to resolve the issue calmly and keep a clear head. Here are some tips that I’ve found helpful:

Take some deep breaths and ask yourself this question: “What is my need right now, and what can I do to meet it?” If you decide a break is best for both of you, then suggest you take a short one. Then, discuss the issue with the person involved as soon as possible. Agree to talk again in a few minutes after calming down. Don’t let it drag on – emotions will fester and you may explode. 
Use face-to-face communication rather than trying to resolve a dispute by email, text, or even phone. Make the effort to connect in person so that you both feel heard. 
Remember that behind every emotion is a need that the unconscious mind sees as unmet, and isn’t sure how to meet it. For instance, anger is the need to assert a right – but the unconscious mind doesn’t have a strategy for that. This is just as true for the other person in the dispute. Listening for this need is a path to mutual understanding and compassion, and lays the foundation for a win-win resolution. 
In sharing your point of view, watch your tone. What feels like a firm approach could come across to others as accusatory. Describe the other person’s behavior and then use “I” to own your response to it. “When you borrowed my computer and didn’t return it in an hour, as we agreed, I felt angry that I had to go looking for you.” You can’t have dialogue if either party is on the defensive, so listen to the other person’s point of view with authentic curiosity. This will help you hear their side non-judgmentally. 
Recognize that the other person may be as passionate about the issue as you are. Appreciate their point of view, and be open to the possibility that they may be feeling just as frustrated. Being on opposite sides of an issue can actually uncover a point of view you hadn’t previously considered. Seek a win-win. A little compromise can go a long way. 

Being able to work through a disagreement with both sides feeling they were heard and respected is a big win for everyone, even if you didn’t necessarily “get your way.” Learning to embrace conflict is a key skill to master – while keeping your cool may be hard, losing it will likely just get you in hot water.

–Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

 

Build Your Confidence

Confidence has been on everyone's minds lately – we all want it, and we want to know how to get it. But confidence is just like a muscle, it needs to be exercised frequently to make it stronger. So it's time to start taking risks! The more positive outcomes that happen as a result, the more confident you will feel going forward. For more advice, heed the words of these influential individuals. 

–Video by Nicolena Basso

Career Coach: What to Do When a Colleague's Ill

Ten years ago, my husband was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma. He is alive today, and we consider this a miracle. We also learned a great deal about how uncomfortable others are with illness – co-workers and friends. Some friends called every day and some stayed very distant, not knowing what to say. Colleagues said things that didn’t land very well; “Oh my God!” “How are you?” “You’re so brave and inspiring!” “Everything happens for a reason.” “You look great!”

We can all feel awkward in the face of another’s illness or tragedy. What can we do or say at work that will be appropriate for our friend and colleague? I heard a wonderful interview with Letty Cottin Pogrebin who released her new book in April, How To Be a Friend To A Friend Who’s Sick. She had some excellent tips to impart to listeners.

Start with a self-question: “How is this going to sound?” When we are confronted with the illness or tragedy of someone we care about, we can immediately feel fear – “this could be me!” This is legitimate, but what you wind up saying to a friend or colleague can sound like it’s all about you. 
Show up and don’t ask questions. Saying, “I really care,” is all that the person needs to know and will appreciate it. "Tell me what I can do to help," can come off as authentic, even when it's a sincere offer. Instead, "Tell me what I can do to help – I really mean it" can leave a better impression. Other variations on this? “Tell me what you want” or, “Tell me when you want to be alone and when you want to have company.” This respects the person’s boundaries and prompts them to let you know where they are.
Letting others know that you feel sorry and terrible is OK too. Phrases like, “I hope you are not in pain” work well. 
The usual social norm of asking, “How are you?” is not as helpful, since it puts pressure on the colleague or friend to go back into their painful emotional experiences to answer your question. Asking, “What are you feeling?” takes this pressure away and simply prompts them to share what they are feeling at the present. 

Letty calls this “compassion etiquette.” It’s helpful to have something we can say that expresses our support to others when we feel at our most awkward. 

–Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

 

Career Coach: Welcome to May!

The sun is out, the temperatures are rising – spring has now officially arrived! Help us kick off the beginning of May by welcoming our career coach for the month, Andrea Zintz!

Hello, everyone!

I'm Andrea Zintz, your Career Coach for May. I am once again happy to be your resource as you pose questions, ideas, and experiences about navigating workplace, relationships and career.

A little about me: I specialize in executive and high potential leadership strategy, succession and development. I have over 30 years experience in Leadership Development, Change Management, Human Resources Development and Training. For 13 years, I have consulted to large corporations on leadership, team, and organization development.

I cultivated my experiences as a coach within the diversified healthcare and pharmaceutical, defense, and retail industries. As Vice President of Human Resources and Management Board member of the Johnson & Johnson subsidiary, Ortho Biotech, Inc., I helped lead the growth of the company from $40 million to $500 million in a 6-year period, and launched breakthrough biotech products. I also led executive leadership development for North America from J&J Corporate. My special interests include executive women advancement, diversity/inclusion, and mentoring. My doctoral dissertation was about mentoring: What constitutes effective mentoring for women who are stuck in their careers within large corporate settings? I received my M.A. and Ph.D. from Fielding Graduate University.

Today my clients include J&J, Lockheed Martin, Boehringer Ingelheim, Nokia Siemens Networks, and GE. A specialty of our company is crafting powerful and strategic questions we can ask ourselves (and others) to access the best thinking. Since questions are a powerful leverage point for thinking, if we change our questions, we can encourage our best answers and this can help our thinking, decision, behaviors and results.

I enjoy coaching and my goal is to make a difference every day. I live in New Jersey, am married to an elementary school teacher and have two wonderful daughters, 18 and 20.

Please feel free to comment with any questions or special requests. I look forward to a great month!

—Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Fashion Guru: Score These Spring Collaborations

As a celebrity fashion stylist, I hold a special place in my stylebook for hi/lo dressing – when high-end designers collaborate with low-cost retailers. I don’t see price tags when choosing styles – I make my decisions based on budget, quality, and aesthetic. Those who spend their life savings just to wear a label are doomed to see empty bank accounts more than one should in a lifetime. So for the more cost-conscious shoppers out there, there are some great hi/lo options in full swing for spring. Here are my selections, including a quick preview of what you can expect this fall to help you stay ahead of the game. 

Kate Young, a Hollywood fashion stylist to actors like Michelle Williams, has turned her signature style into a small collection for Target. It’s a modern and fresh approach to spring with a variety of daytime dresses simple enough for the workplace but flirty enough for the evening. Slim bags, jewelry, and footwear complete the look, all ranging from $15-$90. Kate’s collection made its debut in stores and online on April 14. 

Kate Hudson is taking her first stab at designing by launching her own line for Ann Taylor. Little is known about it, other than that it will translate Kate’s red-carpet style into everyday attire – here’s hoping for an affordable version of the clothes we see on this celebrity-turned-fashion-designer. Be on the lookout for the line, debuting at Ann Taylor stores and online starting May 20. 

Michelle Smith, designer and founder of Milly, is bringing her signature preppy-chic prints and bold colors to Banana Republic this spring. It’s a 60-plus item collection for men and women featuring reissues of six popular Milly prints, as well a new one. Prices will range from $45 to $175 for women’s apparel and $39.50 to $130 for jewelry and accessories –much more budget-friendly than Milly’s main collection, starting at $400 a dress. The women’s pieces will include work- and spring-friendly attire, including maxi dresses, skirts, and shorts in a variety of on-trend colors. Keep an eye out for the designs, premiering in Banana Republic stores worldwide and online this May. 

Catherine Mallandrino is coming to Kohl’s in Fall 2013 with an 80-piece collection. Keep your eyes peeled for its debut, as prices for this designer will range between $36 and $130. Catherine’s work is expected to be a fantastic addition to the history of high/lo design. There are no photos to be previewed yet, but if you are fashion and penny savvy you will want to be one of the first in line when those doors open. These pieces will sell out quickly, mark my words!

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Previews of pieces from, left to right, Kate Young, Michelle Smith, and Catherine Mallandrino.

 

Got workplace fashion questions for Pamela? Write them in the comments section below or email them to administrator [at] womenworking [dot] com.

Pamela Watson is an experienced stylist who currently works as the trend expert for Builders of Style, where she prepares A-list clients for red carpet events, music videos, concerts, and award shows. 

Career Coach: Be a Powerful Communicator

Regardless of your gender, industry, age, or experience level, there’s one thing that every worker needs to excel: good communication skills. If you can’t master the talking and listening basics, you’ll never make it to that corner office. Here are four ways to be a better communicator and get the results you want. 

Learn to be a good listener. Listening is more than just hearing. It’s stopping what you are doing to pay attention to your employees, colleagues, or family members. Face the person when talking to them and paraphrase what they say to you to make sure you understand them. While everyone may be speaking English, words can have different meanings depending on geographic origin, age, culture, and ethnicity. Do not assume you understand without checking it out first; use statements like, “If I understand you correctly, you are saying…” And be sure to ask clarifying questions if you are not sure of their intentions. 

Make sure you are understood. Be clear that both of you are agreeing to the same things. Instead of telling an employee you will talk to them later, set up a specific time. Later means different things to different people. Be careful using slang or idioms when communicating with people whose cultures are different than yours, or at least be sure they comprehend your meaning. When you ask an employee to do an important task, getting a “yes” doesn’t necessarily connote understanding. Ask open-ended questions to get into their mindset, such as “How do you plan on accomplishing this?”

Let people know they have value. Give feedback during conversations, and let your colleagues and employees know if you like their ideas or comments. If you have trouble understanding an employee because of an accent, ask them to repeat it slowly – it may feel uncomfortable, but they won’t mind if it means that they will be heard correctly. I was with friends at a new restaurant recently, and the server got three of our four orders wrong. When we told him, he got defensive and said he couldn’t understand me. He could have asked me to say my order again. The manager then came over and berated him in front of everyone. No wonder the service was so bad – the manager didn’t communicate well with her staff, and they in turn didn’t value the customers. 

Check your assumptions and biases. Everyone has assumptions and biases, based on our backgrounds, age, experiences, and awareness. If not checked, these can affect how we communicate with other people. Be willing to look at yours and their impact on your relationships with those different from you. Are there cultures that are you less comfortable with? Do you avoid talking to people from those cultures or give them less time and credibility? The concern and respect you show in communicating will impact employee service and turnover, which in turn affects customer satisfaction. All of this translates into more or less profit. 

–Simma Lieberman, Career Coach

 

Are You Ready to Be Your Best Advocate?

Traditionally, women are excellent managers because of our ability to juggle several projects at once and get our work done efficiently. But some of us fall short when it comes to planning for ourselves and our future. Taking steps toward creating future success is as important as doing your current job. You need to be confident in your abilities and self-promote to get ahead. 

Perhaps underneath our very real concerns of juggling responsibilities and finding time for self-advancement is fear. We may doubt if our career goals will ever materialize so we do not take the necessary actions to achieve them. But we should not let our fears stop us from fully expressing our abilities as workers. You can be afraid, but move ahead anyway.

For those in need of support, start the process of planning your career growth. Here’s an exercise that many experts have used to build confidence, as it points out how much you’ve probably already achieved. 

Make a list of your accomplishments and skills at different ages, starting with your twenties. For example, “In my twenties I was a salesperson for a publishing company and won a paid vacation as the top sales rep” (accomplishment); “Good people skills enabled me to do this” (skills). Continue to inventory your accomplishments and skills for your thirties, forties, fifties, and so on. 

Now read the list through and really recognize what you have accomplished and what skills you possess. Don’t throw this list away, but refer to it when you need to bolster your confidence. Acknowledging your past and present successes will help you create your future career moves. Remember, “growing a career” takes time and involves a process of discovery. You must have a realistic picture of where you have been (complete with all your successes) in order to move forward. 

Excerpt from “Our Power As Women” by Helene Lerner

 

Career Coach: Stop Generation Segregation

At a recent workshop on women in business, I heard several women from the baby boomer generation complain that millennial women seemed to have a poor work ethic and that it was hard to mentor them. They said that younger women are so busy on the Internet that they don’t bother building relationships. At the same time, I heard younger women of the millennial generation complain that older women are condescending, resist change, and don’t understand how to use technology and social media. 

These complaints were by no means the norm or represented consistent themes, but they could result in women segregating themselves by generation – which would be detrimental for all generations of women. Here are three reasons why segregating generations in the workplace is a bad idea. 

1. Millennials bring a new way of using technology. They are able to get more done in less time. This does not negatively affect interpersonal relationships as some older people claim, but it can actually improve the way employees interact with each other. Employers should encourage open communication between older and younger employees so that they can learn from one another. 

2. Experienced workers are more likely to feel threatened and concerned that they will be perceived as dinosaurs and become obsolete. Millennials will have to move beyond the perception that they will be ignored or their knowledge invalidated because of age and lack of experience. The sharing of information and cross mentoring between older and younger employees will create organizations that are repositories of knowledge. Employers can take action to make older employees feel respected and acknowledged and more willing to share what they know, so that in turn younger employees will feel appreciated, be willing to learn, and share their insights on new technology. 

3. Millennials are more outcome-based, and won’t want to sit in an office all day when it’s unnecessary. Some organizations have telecommute programs, using technology to allow millennials to work from home, coffee shops, or satellite offices. This can also benefit older employees who are taking care of parents and children or find that they just get more done outside of the office. Adapting to the needs of one generation can also improve the situation of others. 

–Simma Lieberman, Career Coach