Helene Lerner's Blog, page 157

Find a Sponsor, Build a Relationship

We spoke with Rebecca Shambaugh, President and CEO of Shambaugh Leadership, to discover how to get the most out of a sponsor/sponsee relationship. 

You wrote your first book, “It’s Not a Glass Ceiling, It’s a Sticky Floor,” in 2007. What is the “sticky floor,” and how does it affect women?

After more than 18 years of research, we found that there was a certain point in women’s careers when they realized that they were being passed over for opportunities. Somehow their aspiration levels were decreasing, and they weren’t making the progress they wanted to see in themselves. Many thought that this was due to the “glass ceiling,” but these women were actually suffering from an internal belief system that forced them to hold themselves back – that’s what we call the “sticky floor.” It’s the internal voice that self-limits our abilities to take a risk and get out of our comfort zones. 

What differentiates a sponsor from a mentor?

Mentors provide guidance, feedback, and help you think long-term in your career. A sponsor is committed to pulling you up in the organization and finding opportunities that would provide you with greater visibility. 

Where do you look for sponsors?

They need to look outside of their day-to-day environment. Sometimes we get comfortable with our manager or boss and assume they can be a sponsor, but that may or may not happen. You need to look at other areas of the organization to find the people who are respected – when they speak up, everyone listens. Those individuals not only know where the opportunities are, but can influence who gets those positions.

How do you build a strong rapport with a sponsor?

It’s not just about making sure that your sponsor knows your career goals and aspirations, but you also know about them. You know what success looks like for your sponsor. You know what their responsibilities are – so much so that you might be able to take something off their plate to support them. Look for opportunities where you can demonstrate your value and your strengths, so that your sponsor can see you in action and trust you can do the job. 

How willing must the sponsor and sponsee be to stepping outside of their comfort zones?

A sponsor needs to step out of their routine and broaden their lens. If you look for a sponsee like you, then she will likely act like you, think like you, and behave like you. But today you need diverse talent and balanced thinking within teams and organizations. Sponsees need to be willing to take on opportunities with which they aren’t familiar. You have to say “yes” and be confident that you will develop the skill sets along the way.

How does the gender of a sponsor affect this relationship?

There are benefits to having a cross-gender sponsor because he may have a different lens, but not all men will see the value in bringing women’s unique leadership styles to the table, and vice versa. We must all be aware of gender differences, and know that even if someone’s talents don’t align with yours, they still contribute something unique to the conversation. 

What kind of personal relationship is there between a sponsor and sponsee?

You don’t have to necessarily like your sponsor, but you have to respect them, and your sponsor has to respect you. If you don’t have that mutual respect and honesty, then it won’t be a lasting relationship. 

–Lindsay Putnam

Career Coach: The Magic of Asking for What You Want

I had an interesting conversation with my client Paula* yesterday. The week before had been tough at work, and she was down on herself for not “doing better.” Then, yesterday, Paula was in a much different place and told me about all of the great things that had happened in a week’s time. Curious, I asked Paula how she had turned things around.

Here’s what she said: “I asked my manager to give me more positive feedback on how I was doing – and I’ve been getting it now.” What a simple solution. What do you want? Do you want more consistent, positive feedback at work or home? Do you want more responsibility? Do you want a raise? Do you want someone at work or elsewhere to communicate more effectively with you?

If so, you can make magic happen just by asking. If you feel intimidated by the thought of directly asking for what you want, follow these guidelines:

Do it now. The longer you put it off, the most difficult it might become. 

Make it specific. “I would like positive feedback twice a week,” will help others know precisely what they can do to help you. 

Keep it positive. “I would like to meet once a month with you for continued coaching,” versus, “We don’t communicate often enough and I’m confused over what you expect from me.”

Expect success. Positive expectancy is powerful; believe others want to help you and you will be right more often than not. 

Who knew getting positive feedback (or something else) was so easy? Ask for what you want now, be specific and positive, and then wait for the magic to happen. 

*Name has been changed. 

–Alan Allard, Career Coach

Career Coach: Get a Grip on Emotional Intelligence

You've been at your job for quite some time now and feel that a promotion is bound to be coming up in the near future. You're credentials are impeccable, and your performance has been top notch. What else can you do to ensure you're doing all that you can to advance your career? Emotional intelligence, or more simply, people smarts, is a distinct advantage in any field.

About ten years ago, I had the opportunity to take a nationally known speaker and author to the airport. This was someone who I'd admired throughout my career from a distance. Over the years, I had read several of his books and listened more than once to several of his audio programs.

Unfortunately, he was rude and condescending. He made undermining remarks about my profession, stating that “The only reason someone becomes a therapist is because their own lives are messed and they think they can find some answers for themselves.” What a shock that was! Here was someone who's career focused on teaching others how to be more successful with people. Someone who I had high regards for. In person, he did not reflect his own advice in the slightest.

This experience reminded me of the significance of emotional intelligence. Knowing how to get along with and inspire others are integral to bettering both your life and your career.

EQ > IQ. According to Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, your IQ (and professional skills) might get you hired, but your emotional intelligence will get you promoted. Figure out specific ways to bond with others at work. Learn how little confidence boosters, such as small compliments, can foster more productivity between you and your colleagues.

Put that knowledge to use. The speaker and author I mentioned earlier knew all the right things; I still read his books and listen to his audios because he knows how to connect with others and make them feel good. But he certainly did not reflect this knowledge while I accompanied him to the airport. Use your people smarts to your advantage. After inquiring about a co-worker's interests for example, recommend a related article he or she might take a liking to. Little acts such as these reflect genuine interest while demonstrating your ability to serve as a reliable resource to others. These qualities might just give you that extra edge when an opportunity for a promotion comes around.

– Alan Allard, Career Coach

Career Coach: Welcome to June!

Hello! I’m Alan Allard, and I'll be your career coach for the month of June. This month will be all about you—but before we get started, you might want to know a few things about me as well.

For the past eight years, I have worked as a consultant, executive coach, speaker, trainer, and life coach. My current work deals with helping companies, teams, and individuals thrive in challenging times by improving performance and building resilience. I have a master’s and a doctorate in Counseling, and I spent 12 years working in private practice as a psychotherapist. I also wrote a book called Seven Secrets to Happiness!, which can be purchased here. On a personal note, I am married to my high school sweetheart, and we have two incredible daughters (as well as two equally incredible son-in-laws).

Over the next few weeks, we'll be taking a look at what you can do to increase your success, fulfillment, and happiness—both in your career and in your overall life. Please let me know in the comments if if there are any specific topics you'd like me to address. Thanks, and I look forward to another great month!

—Alan Allard, Career Coach

Be In Good Company

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. So why not surround yourself with some truly amazing people? Soak up the positive vibes of your closet friends and family members for a truly memorable weekend, and read these thoughts on the subject from notable celebs including Heidi Klum, Michelle Obama, and more. 

Check out our other videos on confidence, perseverance, and intuition. 

–Video by Elena Havas

Career Coach: Clear the Air with Responsible Ranting

In the office, I have had moments when I just had to rant. You know the feeling – you’re so angry/frustrated/resentful that you just had to say it out loud to release energy and tell it like it is. Some of us can write, walk, or run when the feelings pile up, but for me, I’ve never really known what I’m thinking until the moment it comes out of my mouth. 

These rants can take up precious time with others and generate a feeding frenzy of sympathetic story telling. Irresponsible ranting can create unintended negative consequences as well – the offender might be in earshot, or we might fire off a nasty email. Our need to rant comes from negative feelings such as frustration, anger, or resentment. When this occurs, we can instead choose to “responsibly rant” by finding a safe place and an objective person with whom to sound off. Whether you’re the listener or ranter, here’s what works best:

Rant and listen. It’s important for the listener to follow the ranter’s story without interrupting with her own similar story. The only time to speak is to ask clarifying questions. These should be questions that the ranter isn’t asking herself. Also the listener can indicate that she can see the ranter’s point of view but SHOULD NOT solve the problem or give advice. The beauty of this kind of listening is that it gives the ranter a chance to hear her own thinking and get a new point of view. 

Notice your emotions. The purpose of a responsible rant is to find an acceptable solution in the form of an adaptive action. If you are angry, then what “right” do you feel you have and how can you confidently assert this right? If you are frustrated, what is the obstacle blocking your objective, and how can you find a strategy you feel will help you achieve it? If you are resentful, what is the basis for your grievance, and how can you air it so you have confidence you will be heard?

Keep mum. Thank the generous listener, and be sure to request that she not share this information without your express permission. If you’ve chosen your listener wisely, she will feel great having helped you through a challenge and you can return the favor sometime. 

–Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Do You Dare to Follow Your Dreams?

Dreaming is an unalienable right. We knew this as children. We believed we could be or do anything we imagined. Astronaut, Egyptologist, prima ballerina, mother of a dozen children, President of the United States – sure, why not? Unfortunately, as adults we often put our dearest dreams away, as life hands us unexpected challenges or circumstances and the harsh realities of economic necessity whittle away at our energy and our hopes. Dreaming truly becomes a dare. 

In her new book, Dare, Dream, Do, Whitney Johnson addresses the importance of dreaming for women. You must learn to create a time and a place to dream. Need help? Here’s how:

Step 1. Clear the clutter and create a space where you can dream: this space – or spot or place – can be a desk, an office, your car, or your bed. 

Step 2. More importantly, create a space in your day: this space – or time – can be early in the morning, after the kids go to school, while exercising, or late at night. Children make time (or we make them make time) to do homework. We need the same discipline. 

Get into the dreaming spirit by asking yourself these questions:

Why does making space for our dreams matter?
Do you have a space set aside for dreaming? Physical space? A time of day?
Why can practicing how to ask for what we want help us achieve our dreams?
Do you know any women who ask for what they want? How do they ask and do they succeed in getting what they asked for?
Do a quick review of the money you spend each month: How much is spent on your children’s dreams? Your spouse’s dreams? The dreams of your extended family, friends, the world? How much is spent on yours?
As you think about making space for your dream, are you finding yourself uncomfortable, unnerved, even physically sick?

Excerpted with permission from Dare, Dream, Do: Remarkable Things Can Happen When You Dare to Dream by Whitney L. Johnson (Bibliomotion, 2012).

Career Coach: Manage Your Stage Fright, Naturally

You’ve prepared for a dynamite presentation. The message is planned, the slides are strong, and you know your material inside out. But as soon as you stand in front of the audience, your mind goes blank and you break out in a nervous sweat. Gemma Page Thompson, an opera singer, actor, and coach with the TAI Group in NYC, confronts this herself and successfully uses a natural resource we all have: our breath!

Every emotion we experience has its own breathing pattern: anger produces rapid, erratic breathing; sadness makes us sigh; and anxiety has shallow, rapid breaths. If you are feeling angry and take a deep breath and pause, your anger will begin to dissipate and your thoughts will settle down. Our minds are deeply affected by our breath. 

But with stage fright, many of us have tried various strategies that never seem to work. Gemma suggests focusing on breathing, in and out. This very simple instruction will quiet an unquiet mind. She also suggests taking the time to work on and improve your relationship with your breath. To make this a habit, practice deep breathing during times when you feel fairly comfortable, so you can feel its benefits as it becomes more natural to your subconscious. Try practicing morning and night every day for five minutes. 

Find somewhere to sit where you won’t be disturbed. Rest your hands in your lap, let your shoulders relax and fall back toward the floor. Relax your jaw, mouth, and tongue. Close your eyes if you feel comfortable doing so, or simply find a spot to focus on. Feel your feet on the floor, and feel your legs resting on your seat. 

Take a slow deep breath through your nose and count to four. Breathe in as deeply as you can, and feel your stomach stretch and expand. Now breathe out through your mouth slowly as you count to seven. Empty your lungs completely and pause for a moment. 

Repeat 10 times. One deep breath in and count to four, one long breath out and count to seven. Every breath will help you relax a little bit more. Taking long breaths out triggers the relaxation response in your body. It tells your mind and nervous system that you are safe and in control. 

–Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

How to Act, Not React

When you're under stress, you might respond to situations and events in a way that, in retrospect, won't make you happy. Look at some of these scenarios and see how you can act from a position of strength instead of simply reacting to minimize your future regrets. 

Reacting: You choose a course of action based upon what others think, going against what you know will be most useful. 
Acting From Strength: You are in a position of authority and will not be swayed by what others think. 

Reacting: You are unclear of how to proceed in a given situation and instead of waiting until you understand what direction to take, you act impulsively.
Acting From Strength: You are aware that you don't have sufficient information to make a decision. You let it be known that a decision will be made when that information is received. 

Reacting: You cannot separate from the stress of the moment. Emotions rather than logic guide your actions.
Acting From Strength: You are able to detach from the apparent "crisis," and analyze the situation before you act.  

Excerpt from "Our Power as Women" by Helene Lerner

Salute the Courageous Warrior in You

Veterans have fought the good fight for our country and we honor them.

What is the "good fight" in your life? Is it overcoming an obstacle that you are currently facing?

Know that you have the power to move through any challenge.  And you don't have to do it alone.

There is help available if you reach out for it.

Never forget, how courageous you are. Take note of all you've gone through in the past and know your inner strength.

I salute the courageous warrior in you.

 

fondly, Helene