Helene Lerner's Blog, page 156

The Secret of Reducing Stress

How often do you find yourself wondering about the future or dwelling in the past? Probably, like most of us, you do this quite a bit, and it takes you out of the "Now". The result: undue stress which can create disharmony in your life.

Here are some tips to bring yourself back to what's in front of you as your mind wanders:

Keep aware. Notice your thoughts, but don't judge them. Just observe what you are thinking.
Tune into one of your senses: sight, smell, taste, sound, or touch. Focus in on one of them. For example, really look at what is around you (take in colors, shapes, details, etc.) as if you were seeing it for the first time.
Pause between tasks. We tend to go from one activity to the next without a break. After you finish something, take a few deep breaths and then begin the new assignment. Perhaps it will give you a different perspective.
Listen to what people are saying. How often do you tune a co-worker out because you're involved in your own thoughts? Bring yourself back to what they are saying by focusing on the sound of their voice.

 

Play Your Cards Wisely

I'm a student of poker because it's fun, it's challenging, and because it requires a great deal of both people skills and “technical" skills. Whether you're a fan of poker or not, you need to remember these three lessons that come from sitting at the poker table:

• If It's Not “Fun,” Find Another Game
If a game isn’t fun, we usually move on to the next one. So how about we apply this logic to life? Are you having “fun” with your life and at work? Not every minute of the day, but overall? It's easy to get consumed and so distracted by what we "have" to do that we let go of what we want to do. Assess the "fun" factor in your life and make sure you're not missing out on the party.

• Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Lose
No matter how skilled you are at poker—or anything else for that matter—you can’t win every hand. Fortunately, you don't need to. We don’t have to win every hand to get ahead, but we do have to know how to lose well and get back in the game with a winning mindset. It helps to remember there’s always another hand, another opportunity and another win coming our way.

• Go All In, Give It Your All
In poker, going “all in” refers to betting all your chips on the hand you're holding. In life, that’s rarely the case. But the principle holds true—we have to give something before we expect to get something—we have to "give it our all." In life, the sequence is always, “Give first, get later.” When you go to a business conference or to a networking event, go with the attitude of "What can I do for you?” Be interested in the person you just met and keep the conversation on them. Find out how you can help them without asking for anything in return for now.

I know you want “more” from your work and your life; we all do. The good news is that we can get more if we are willing to give more. At work, that doesn’t necessarily mean more hours—it could mean finding ways to work smarter, to be more innovative and to collaborate more. If you want a raise, you have to justify your request with something other than “It’s time for a raise.”

— Alan Allard, Career Coach

A Journey From The Heart

A Father's Day Special:
Successful New York City attorney Kenneth Sonnenfeld and his daughter Jessica discuss the ins and outs of their relationship. From growing up with two brothers to figuring out her future career path, Jessica shares what she has learned from her father's guiding lessons. This story points to the importance of the father-daughter bond in the development of strong, confident women.

Video Editor- Elena Havas

"Reality distortion" can be a good thing

What if I told you that whatever your situation at work or in life, you have the ability to profoundly change it for the better? Or that if things are going quite well for you, you could take it to a level that right now, might seem impossible for you to even imagine. Does that sound good for other people, but not necessarily for you? After all, you might be thinking, “You don’t know me and you have no idea what I’m facing at work, at home, or anywhere else for that matter.”

You would be right, I don’t know you. But I do know that you have the ability to look at any situation in a different way. You have the capacity to look at the “facts” and draw a different conclusion. Unlike what the words suggest, "distorting reality," is about interpreting circumstances in the most useful way possible. That’s what Steve Jobs did and in fact, he lived in what others called a "Reality Distortion Field." He was known for making things happen even when others told him that they couldn't be done.

It’s not that Jobs refused to see the problems at hand—he saw things as they were—and then he imagined the way he wanted them to be. Was he able to do that with everything and every time? Of course not, but to focus on that would be to miss the entire point.

The point is that you have distorted reality many times in the past even if you didn’t realize it. For example, every time you felt defeated but kept going despite the mounds of evidence telling you to quit. When you lost your job, got demoted or got divorced and felt like you were all washed up--you kept going. When you felt like you couldn’t take another class in college--did it anyway and kept going until you graduated.

If we don’t like what’s going on in our life, we can either give into it or we can say “I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to change this. It might take me a while, but I’m going to do it.” You’ve done that before and you can do it again. You can redefine your reality--imagine any reality you want and then take actions to get there. Even if you can’t see doing that on a grand scale, realize that doing so on any scale is amazing.

Allan Allard, Career Coach

How do you stack up?

Heed the advice of our Fashion Guru, Pamela Watson

Stacking is a trend that is all the rage lately for accessorizing your wrists and fingers.Th e concept is to wear layers of jewelry all at the same time. I am concerned about this trend in the workplace. I believe there is a fine line in taste vs. tacky and I wanted to show you how to stay “tastefully in trend” at the office.

Here are a few tips and tricks to help master the art of layering bracelets:

1.  Create a Theme: Try sticking with complementary hues or a single color story; this will keep you from looking like a candy factory!

2.  Add a watch! Might as well be functional AND fashion forward!

3.  Focus your look around one statement piece and work around it. Add metals and textures with elements like beading or leather in different widths and colors to give your look some depth

4.   Keep the number of pieces you wear to no more than 4-5 pieces. If you are wearing especially chunky items keep it down to 3 (even 2) and maybe add a thin pop of color to break it up! The change in size adds a little dimension!

 

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Another big stacking craze is the assorted, stacked ring look. You have seen it all over the red carpets with Hollywood style-setters like Solange Knowles, Kristen Stewart, and Nicole Richie.I find this to be another trend worth wearing but tastefully understated for the workplace.

Here are a few tips for stacking your rings the right way for work (and any other time if you like):

1.   Mix and match your rings, pile them on a single digit and you are free to wear them on both hands preferably one digit each hand.

2.   Try some eclectic rings in varying sizes, stay clear of too chunky ones. Some of the knuckle length rings can make it difficult to write or type with them on.

3.   Medium width to dainty memory rings (the ones that sit at the top of your finger, above the knuckle) are great options and add intrigue to your stacked look without interfering with your ability to easily type, write, juggle or whatever you do at work…it works!

A handful of gorgeous stacked rings leave you wanting more and that is ok for after the work clock stops!

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Statement Necklaces, arm candy or stacked rings are not to all be worn together all in one look either.  Less is more is always my mantra.

 

 

 

 

We Need More Women Engineers and Scientists

Anne Carpenter is a scientist. She was featured on our television program: Bold Women: Women in Science and Technology. We need more women in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) professions.

Role models like Anne can talk to girls and explain how important and exciting STEM careers can be.

 

Arianna is an Amazing Woman

Yesterday I attended an event The Third Metric: Redefining Success Beyond Money and Power. It was held at Arianna Huffington's home. There were about 200 women and men who gathered together. Mika Brzezinski was the co-host.

These two women are amazing.  They were passionate about wanting to make a difference in the lives of women. A theme throughout the day was the importance of renewal.  Arianna's two daughters were there, and Christina led a panel of younger women. Katie Couric, Lesley Stahl were among the other panel moderators.

The sharing went deep. The CEO of Aetna told a personal story about his own recovery from a major accident. Dr. Dean Ornish shared about the benefits of prevention.

I applaud their effort.

Are you moving through your fears?

My experience is that fear is always with us.  The question is, are we going let it stop us from doing the things we know we must do?

You can move forward and take the next right action even if you are afraid. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable is the cry of the "working warrior."

Have the courage to step out in new ways, take a smart risk today. The time for change is now, not tomorrow!

Where can you make a difference? Use your intuition to guide you. Decide where you can do the most good and do it.  The world is in a crazy place and needs every bit of our resourcefulness.

CEO Ursula Burns Credits Her Roots

Ursula Burns, CEO of Xerox, talks about growing up with a perspective that was different than many of her peers. But that helped her attack problems in a creative way. Here's what she said on our television program Make It Happen: Mentors, Dreams, Success.

 

 

Career Coach: Quick Fixes For Feeling Awesome

Whether it’s at work or in life, when things go wrong, most of us want to take charge and fix things. However, in my work as a consultant and coach (and as a former psychotherapist) I’ve found that while we think we’re taking responsibility, often we’re actually blaming ourselves.

The problem with self-blame is that it can disguise itself as progressive thinking. It seems like we’re holding ourselves accountable and setting ourselves up to make positive changes—but in reality, we're making things more difficult for ourselves. It makes us feel awful, when what we want is to feel awesome. Look at these three ways we can go from feeling awful to feeling awesome, simply by adjusting our mindset.

1. Criticizing Self Is Blaming: “I wouldn’t be overweight if I ate less and exercised more; my problem is I’m just not disciplined.” Criticizing ourselves is a subtle form of blaming.

Supporting Self is Taking Responsibility: “I’m twenty pounds heavier than what’s healthy for me. By the end of this week, I will have a written plan to get healthier, including what steps I’ll take for success, how to measure progress and ways to celebrate along the way.”

2. Pushing Self Too Hard Is Blaming: “I need to work eighty hours a week if that’s what it takes to be successful.” Pushing ourselves too hard is a form of punishing ourselves—and it only results in additional stress.

Setting Realistic Expectations Is Taking Responsibility: “I am willing to work eighty hours a week if there’s a real crisis. Otherwise, I will work about fifty hours so I have time for other important things in my life.”

3. All or nothing Thinking Is Blaming: “If I don’t hit my goal, I’ve failed—even though I made some progress.” When we engage in all or nothing thinking, we’re blaming ourselves for not being perfect.

Healthy Thinking Is Taking Responsibility: “Whatever progress I make is success and I will use that momentum to fuel even more success.”

Blame focuses on the past and generates shame, guilt and fear. This accomplishes nothing, and only brings us down.Taking responsibility focuses on creating a successful future and energizes us.

The next time you’re wondering whether you’re taking responsibility or falling into the self-blame trap, ask yourself, “Am I feeling awful or awesome?” The more we learn to support ourselves, set realistic expectations and engage in healthy thinking, the easier it is to avoid self-blame and to embrace taking responsibility. You'll not only be more productive, but happier as well.

–Alan Allard, Career Coach