Helene Lerner's Blog, page 162

Career Coach: Do Communication Differences Exist?

Much has been said about men and women being from different planets with their own cultures, and when it comes to communication styles, this can sometimes seem true. Indeed, many of these differences are labeled as a “masculine” or “feminine” approach, despite the fact that they can be employed by either gender. As you go about your day, take the time to listen to and observe how people are interacting with each other. I’m sure you will notice many of these differences:

Women are more likely to talk to other women when they have a problem or need to make a decision. Men keep their problems to themselves and don’t see the point in sharing personal issues. 
Women are more relationship oriented, and look for commonalities and ways to connect with other women. Men tend to relate to other men on a one-up, one-down basis. Status and dominance is important. 
If women have a disagreement with each other, it affects all aspects of their relationship. Men can have a disagreement, move on to another subject, and get a drink together. 
At meetings women nod their head to show they are listening. A man thinks the woman is agreeing with him. He then assumes the woman will go along with his idea. He is surprised when she later disagrees, since she nodded her head. She has no idea why he thought she agreed with him since he never asked her. 
At meetings, men only nod their heads when they agree. If a woman is speaking and she doesn’t see his head nod as he listens, she assumes he either disagrees or is not listening. 

Now that you know these common associations, go beyond assumptions and instead interact with others based on what the current situation requires. For example, in certain situations making a group decision may or may not be practical. Consider these two scenarios:

You’re wheeled in for surgery – the head surgeon is a woman. If she is operating on you, would you prefer she uses a consensus-based style to make decisions and ask everyone what they think during the operation OR a hierarchical style where she tells the medical personnel what to do and how to do it? 
The executive director of your organization is male. The majority of the staff is female. You are all going on a team building retreat, but the destination has not yet been decided. Would you rather have the director decided for the group where to go, even if everyone hates it OR have him take a consensus of the office employees to solicit their input?  

In the end, “feminine” styles of communication simply refer to those who are more inclusive in their decision making process, while “masculine” communication relies on impulsive decisions and commitment. To succeed as a leader, you will have to employ both styles over the course of your career, so start getting comfortable with them both. 

–Simma Lieberman, Career Coach

Want to Decrease Your Stress Load?

Tongue-tied or talking too much? On edge or downright outraged – often at inappropriate times? Most likely the cause is stress. A certain amount of stress is good; it’s a challenge and a motivator. But to celebrate National Stress Awareness Day, we’re here to say enough is enough! Too much can lead to dangerous emotional and physical imbalances – which is why you need stress breakers to overcome the tough moments and open the possibilities for positivity. 

Vent your anger. Ventilate your wrath by writing about it. Don’t organize or analyze your thoughts, just write until you have nothing more to say to the maddening person or about the irritating situation. You’ll know when you’ve said enough because you’ll feel lighter and released. The act of writing is a process which literally lets the emotion flow from your body through your pen, down and out onto the paper. It can also clear the air of the smoke and fumes of your anger to restore your perspective: Just how important is the issue you’re angry about? 

The allowing attitude. From acupuncture to deep-breath kung fu, the techniques and philosophies of Eastern cultures have always been light years ahead of ours when it comes to mind over stressful matters. To let go of your own tension, try an adaptation of ancient T’ai chi exercise. Settle yourself into a quiet place. Interlock your fingers as if to pray. Point your index fingers upward, leaving space between them. Study the space between them, then allow them to come together. Don’t push them together. Allow them to close slowly on their own. Open them again and feel the breath of your emotions escape through the opening. Then name your stresses. Watch the stressful feelings flow out through your open fingers.

Unreel on wheels. The next time you’re stuck in a cab or delayed train, close your eyes and relax your facial muscles. Feel your back rest against the seat. Then begin consciously to inhale and exhale for a few minutes. At the end of the ride you will feel refreshed and composed. This will work an on-the-move executive, a student heading to a final exam, even for a parent on the way to a PTA meeting if you can just once get out of the driver’s seat.  

Take time out. Take time out of your life each week – that is, literally remove it. Let your internal (and external) clock-watching vigilante take a short vacation. Remove or cover all visible signs of time. Take off your watch and turn off your cell phone. Enjoy yourself, paced only by your natural rhythm, not by the imposition of the sixty-minute hour. If you have an appointment, date, or other necessary ending to this exercise, set an alarm. It will signal when it’s time to get back into time. 

Keys and cues. Stir up positive memories with a cue word. Begin this stress breaker by reconstructing a time when you felt terrific – when your self-esteem was high and your anxiety low. Remember this grand time in your mind’s eye and feel those feelings again. Catch them, relive them, then find a key word or phrase to name them. Any one- or two-word label will do, preferably the first that comes to mind. Got it? Now, with practice, you can condense the process, key into good times, and cal up the pleasant feelings on cue with your word association. 

Adapted from Stress Breakers by Helene Lerner and Roberta Elins

 

Want to decrease your stress-load?

Tongue-tied or talking too much? On edge or downright outraged – often at inappropriate times? Most likely the cause is stress. A certain amount of stress is good; it’s a challenge and a motivator. But to celebrate National Stress Awareness Day, we’re here to say enough is enough! Too much can lead to dangerous emotional and physical imbalances – which is why you need stress breakers to overcome the tough moments and open the possibilities for positivity. 

Vent your anger. Ventilate your wrath by writing about it. Don’t organize or analyze your thoughts, just write until you have nothing more to say to the maddening person or about the irritating situation. You’ll know when you’ve said enough because you’ll feel lighter and released. The act of writing is a process which literally lets the emotion flow from your body through your pen, down and out onto the paper. It can also clear the air of the smoke and fumes of your anger to restore your perspective: Just how important is the issue you’re angry about? 

The allowing attitude. From acupuncture to deep-breath kung fu, the techniques and philosophies of Eastern cultures have always been light years ahead of ours when it comes to mind over stressful matters. To let go of your own tension, try an adaptation of ancient T’ai chi exercise. Settle yourself into a quiet place. Interlock your fingers as if to pray. Point your index fingers upward, leaving space between them. Study the space between them, then allow them to come together. Don’t push them together. Allow them to close slowly on their own. Open them again and feel the breath of your emotions escape through the opening. Then name your stresses. Watch the stressful feelings flow out through your open fingers.

Unreel on wheels. The next time you’re stuck in a cab or delayed train, close your eyes and relax your facial muscles. Feel your back rest against the seat. Then begin consciously to inhale and exhale for a few minutes. At the end of the ride you will feel refreshed and composed. This will work an on-the-move executive, a student heading to a final exam, even for a parent on the way to a PTA meeting if you can just once get out of the driver’s seat.  

Take time out. Take time out of your life each week – that is, literally remove it. Let your internal (and external) clock-watching vigilante take a short vacation. Remove or cover all visible signs of time. Take off your watch and turn off your cell phone. Enjoy yourself, paced only by your natural rhythm, not by the imposition of the sixty-minute hour. If you have an appointment, date, or other necessary ending to this exercise, set an alarm. It will signal when it’s time to get back into time. 

Keys and cues. Stir up positive memories with a cue word. Begin this stress breaker by reconstructing a time when you felt terrific – when your self-esteem was high and your anxiety low. Remember this grand time in your mind’s eye and feel those feelings again. Catch them, relive them, then find a key word or phrase to name them. Any one- or two-word label will do, preferably the first that comes to mind. Got it? Now, with practice, you can condense the process, key into good times, and cal up the pleasant feelings on cue with your word association. 

Adapted from Stress Breakers by Helene Lerner and Roberta Elins

 

Career Coach: 10 Ways to Become a Better Leader

The sign on your office door may indicate that you’re in charge, but if you don’t follow through with the proper actions your employees won’t respond to your lead. You must speak up and stand out from the crowd to make your presence known and garner the respect that you deserve. Incorporate these 10 tips into your work routine to jumpstart your leadership potential. 

1. Develop a strategy and stay focused. Make your expectations clear, and be sure that all of your team members understand what is expected of them. Schedule frequent meetings with your team to assess your strategy and make any necessary amendments. 

2. Let your desired career path be known by the appropriate people. Tell your boss you have aspirations to continue climbing the corporate ladder. Let your employees know that you hope to advance up the company rankings – they’ll be more inclined to impress you now to reap the benefits of your promotion later. 

3. Learn the unwritten rules of the workplace and how to leverage them in order to advance. Knowing what behaviors impress your boss can put you ahead of the game. 

4. Ask people whom you trust to support your goals. Only confide in those who have been good confidants in the past – some may resent your high aspirations. 

5. Determine what you want, who can help you get it, and what you can give to them in return. Does one of your coworkers have a family member who works at the company you hope to relocate to? Write her a glowing recommendation in exchange for his email address and phone number. 

6. Build a diverse network by attending various functions and events. Not only will you meet new and interesting people, but opportunities may open up that you had never previously considered. 

7. Get a mentor who can help you navigate your path and learn how to be a mentee. No matter what stage you are at in your career, you can always learn more from someone whose experience is greater than your own. 

8. See yourself as a marketing and public relations expert for your skills and experience. If you can’t advocate for your strengths, who can?

9. Volunteer for projects where you can play a visible role and take leadership. You can never have too much experience leading a team, and if the project has a positive outcome you’ll be on your boss’s mind the next time a promotion opens up. 

10. Set up one-on-one meetings with senior leaders involved in the project before general meetings. You want to be clear on the expectations of your boss before you relay that information back to your employees. Improper communication will weaken your leadership potential to both parties. 

–Simma Lieberman, Career Coach

Go Green, Live Well

Maxwell Ryan took a job as an interior decorator fresh out of college, but felt that it wasn't the right fit. After transitioning to teaching, he began to realize how crucial the shape and layout of the classroom were for educating his students – and he made the switch back to interior design. Now, as the owner of Apartment Therapy, Maxwell has become known as a design guru and life coach specialist, emphasizing the importance of simplicity, comfort, and a lack of clutter. His living tips have been featured in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and HGTV. Check out his tips for "Green Living" this Earth Month below. 

–Video by Nicolena Basso

Career Coach: Stop the Worry Cycle

Have you ever experienced stress from obsessive or unwanted thoughts? If you’re stressed because of a particular issue or event, it may be hard to get it off your mind. And once you say to yourself, “Today I am not going to think about it,” what was the first thing you thought about? Was it still that unwanted thought?

These negative scenarios can be stopped by a technique called thought-stopping. First, picture a scene that brings up wonderful, comfortable feelings and makes you feel good about yourself. Imagine what it looks like, sounds like, smells like, and feels like. For example, pretend you’re on a beach. You see the sand and water; you hear the waves beating against the shore; you smell the salt water and feel invigorated, yet calm. The scene doesn’t have to be one that you’ve experienced firsthand – it should be any scenario that makes you feel good. 

Every time one of these unwanted ideas occur, yell “Stop!” either in your mind or out loud. This immediately breaks the thought cycle. Then replace your negativity with the positive scene; after a few minutes, your imaginative relaxation destination will recede, but the good vibes it brought you will remain.

After a few days, your stressful thoughts will be less frequent, and when they do come up you have a new tool to control them. It gets easier each time you do it. You can use this technique each time you feel bad about yourself, when you feel guilty about something, when you’re obsessed with analyzing the future or the past, or when you just want to get rid of a thought that is taking up your emotional energy. If you combine this technique with a conscious breathing relaxation exercise, it will help you sleep better at night as well.

Stop the worry cycle, and use your time to enjoy your life and be productive in the ways you want to be. 

–Simma Lieberman, Career Coach

 

What Does Confidence Mean To You?

Confidence is always on our minds – we know when we have it and when we don't, and we are always looking for new ways to give it an extra boost. But what is confidence actually made of, and how can we get it and keep it for the long haul? We asked women what comes to mind when they think of confidence – check out some of the answers below, and be sure to add your own. 

Lorraine Shakespeare: Confidence comes with knowing who and what you are. It comes with knowledge, experience, and belief in your abilities. Armed with this you can do anything you put your mind to and it covers all situations. If you are not confident at something, say speaking to your group or managing a particular situation, the only way to get more confident is to practice and get experience. Never shy away from things you are not confident in, because then you will never be able to build it up.

Marcia Bundalian-Stephen: Confidence is removing yourself from your comfort zone. Putting yourself on a pedestal so that when you speak, whether in conversations or presentations or speaking engagements, your audience will look up to and admire you for what you have exuded and transferred to them. It is not about the words you utter, but how and why you express them. 

Maggie De Vore: Finally getting to know myself in every way and not being afraid to just "be." I no longer need outside approval of who I am. 

Jonelle Ross: Confidence is a strong awareness of self and an absolute acceptance of who you are. Confidence is diminished when one gives into negative self-talk and destructive thought-processes. True confidence is found in self-love and the projection of one's unique attributes among the world. 

Chelsea Oliverio: Confidence is recognizing your talents and good qualities. No matter how down you feel, try to pat yourself on the back and remember the things you excel at. Focusing on your better attributes will distract you from perceived flaws and boost your sense of self-worth. 

Pat Vanderstine: Face your fears – each one you overcome builds confidence and self-esteem. You can't have one without the other. It is an internal process enhanced through your experiences. 

Jeannie Campanelli: Confidence is standing strong in your unshakeable truth. 

Gayle Martz: Confidence, in my opinion, means having the belief in our self-worth and our abilities to get things done. Going after our dreams enhances it; fear inhibits it.

What does confidence mean to you? Add your thoughts to the comments below. And be sure to join the conversation on Facebook and Twitter. 

Get Into the Summer Spirit

I grew up in a small beach town in Maine, so summer to me always meant sitting at the ice cream fountain with a chocolate malted frappe in hand. So you can guess how thrilled I was to find a recipe for chocolate malted cupcakes – taking just one bite made memories from the past come flooding back. So why not celebrate this streak of warm weather with a little summer fun? This quick recipe will make you a dozen of these precious treats. 

Chocolate Malted Cupcakes: Makes 12

1 cup all purpose flour
1/3 cup unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa powder
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup milk
3/4 cup malted milk powder
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 medium eggs, at room temperature
1/2 cup sour cream, at room temperature
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 cup chocolate covered malted milk balls, chopped

Chocolate Malt Buttercream

1/2 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature
1/2 cup vegetable shortening, at room temperature
1/4 cup malted milk powder
1/2 TBSP unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa powder
1 1/2 TBSP milk
2 cups confectioner sugar, sifted
Chocolate covered malted milk balls, to garnish

-Preheat oven to 350˚ F. Line standard muffin tin with paper liners. Whisk together flour, cocoa, both sugars, baking soda, and salt. In another bowl, whisk together milk and malted milk powder until powder is dissolved.
-With an electric mixer on medium-high speed, beat flour mixture, milk mixture, and oil until combined. Add eggs, one at a time, beating until each is incorporated, scraping down sides of bowl as needed. Add sour cream and vanilla, and beat just until combined. Fold in crsuhed chocolate covered malted milk balls.
-Divide batter evently among lined cups, filling each halfway. Bake, rotating tin halfway through until a toothpick inserted in centers comes out clean, about 20 minutes. 
-While cupcakes are cooling, prepare frosting. In a large mixer bowl, whip the butter and shortening for several minutes until light and fluffy. Sprinkle in malted milk powder and cocoa powder, whip for one minute. Slowly add the powdered sugar a few spoonfuls at a time, letting it incorporate until the frosting becomes thicker and stiff. Add milk, half a tablespoon at a time, and whip until combined.
-Fill a piping bag with frosting and pipe large swirls on top of cupcakes. Garnish with a malted milk ball for extra flair!

Want more chocolate? Check out the recipes for Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Banana Bread and for Devil's Food Cupcakes!

–Lindsay Putnam

Be Assertive, Not Aggressive

Being assertive is requesting or asking for the things that you like. This isn’t an easy thing to do for many women – too often, we fear crossing the line between assertion and aggression. But if you want to get what you need in the workplace, you must learn how to speak up. 

The next time you are unsure if you have the right to assert your needs, think of the situation like a see-saw: you need to keep both sides balanced. Your boss has rights, and you have yours, too. If you feel that he has been asking too much of you, all you need to do is state how you feel about it and offer alternatives. 

Let’s take a look at the most common office complaint – being asked to work overtime. If you aren’t always requested to work more hours, chances are you’re understanding and willing to do it. But if you’re repeatedly asked to stay late, the see-saw will lose its balance. This is the time to be assertive. 

To make sure you don’t sound aggressive, you have to:

Avoid using words or language that is aggressive. The use of “YOU” language is aggressive. It doesn’t sound right to use “you” because it makes the complaint seem like a personal attack. For example, “You are so unfair for asking me to work overtime so often,” or, “You are not being considerate.” Chances are, your boss doesn’t enjoy working late, either, but is unable to find a different solution. 

Choose assertive language. Use “I” instead of “You.” You need to explain your point of view by stating facts. You become reasonable only if there are facts to support your claims. It is important also that you suggest alternatives just so you won’t make your boss feel helpless and left without any viable options. 

If asked to work late, your response could be, “I have been made to work longer hours a couple of times already, and I didn’t mind because I knew we were down a few people to do the job. But I will have to leave on time starting next week because I have to drive my son to little league.” 

 

–Cecile Peterkin is a certified career and retirement coach and a registered member of the Career Professionals of Canada and the International Coach Federation. She is also the founder and Senior Career Strategist at Cosmic Coaching Center, provider of career and life management services across Canada, the United States, and Europe. 

Career Coach: Stop Listening to the Positive Thinking Police

While attending a meeting this week, I overheard a conversation between two women that went like this:

Woman 1: “I’m really stressed this week. I have a financial report due on Friday, my parents are coming to town tomorrow, there’s loud construction outside my office, and I’m interviewing for a promotion! I am so overwhelmed.”
Woman 2: “Just change the way you think. If you tell yourself that you’re overwhelmed, you’ll be overwhelmed. You’re setting yourself up for failure.” 

For years we’ve been hearing about the power of positive thinking, but very few people really know what they’re talking about. When I was run over by a car and ended up in casts, several people called me and told me to think of my accident as a “gift.” I call these people the “positive thinking police.” They are confusing positivity with denial.

What is most helpful when managing stress is to become aware of destructive self-talk and reframe it into constructive self-talk. When I was bed-ridden after the accident, fearing I would always be in pain and lose everything I had worked for, I changed the message to, “It was an accident. It’s only temporary. I will get better, I am fortunate to have support and love from friends and family. I can read and catch up on movies that I missed.”

By acknowledging the source of my stress, I was able to reframe the destructive thoughts into constructive ones. Doing so allowed me to heal faster, because I no longer spent every minute worrying. Here’s another example: instead of telling yourself, “I’m not qualified for this job,” say, “I’m feeling anxious about taking this job, but the reason I was hired is because I’m good at what I do. I’ll get more information and find the help I need to feel confident. I’m ready to be successful.” Doesn’t that feel better?

Now you try it. What are the negative messages you give yourself? Write down the reasons why those negative messages are not true, then list the skill sets you already possess that will help you find success despite your self-doubt. 

–Simma Lieberman, Career Coach