Career Coach: What to Do When a Colleague's Ill

Ten years ago, my husband was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma. He is alive today, and we consider this a miracle. We also learned a great deal about how uncomfortable others are with illness – co-workers and friends. Some friends called every day and some stayed very distant, not knowing what to say. Colleagues said things that didn’t land very well; “Oh my God!” “How are you?” “You’re so brave and inspiring!” “Everything happens for a reason.” “You look great!”

We can all feel awkward in the face of another’s illness or tragedy. What can we do or say at work that will be appropriate for our friend and colleague? I heard a wonderful interview with Letty Cottin Pogrebin who released her new book in April, How To Be a Friend To A Friend Who’s Sick. She had some excellent tips to impart to listeners.

Start with a self-question: “How is this going to sound?” When we are confronted with the illness or tragedy of someone we care about, we can immediately feel fear – “this could be me!” This is legitimate, but what you wind up saying to a friend or colleague can sound like it’s all about you. 
Show up and don’t ask questions. Saying, “I really care,” is all that the person needs to know and will appreciate it. "Tell me what I can do to help," can come off as authentic, even when it's a sincere offer. Instead, "Tell me what I can do to help – I really mean it" can leave a better impression. Other variations on this? “Tell me what you want” or, “Tell me when you want to be alone and when you want to have company.” This respects the person’s boundaries and prompts them to let you know where they are.
Letting others know that you feel sorry and terrible is OK too. Phrases like, “I hope you are not in pain” work well. 
The usual social norm of asking, “How are you?” is not as helpful, since it puts pressure on the colleague or friend to go back into their painful emotional experiences to answer your question. Asking, “What are you feeling?” takes this pressure away and simply prompts them to share what they are feeling at the present. 

Letty calls this “compassion etiquette.” It’s helpful to have something we can say that expresses our support to others when we feel at our most awkward. 

–Andrea Zintz, Career Coach