Helene Lerner's Blog, page 142

One Woman Can Make A Big Difference

[image error]

Dianne Brudnicki (left) and Mary Fetchet (right)

Yesterday, I was meeting a colleague, Debbie Storey, at the downtown Marriott hotel in NYC, just near the site of the new World Trade Center. It is always wonderful to be with Debbie, she is such an inspiring leader. We would be attending an event at the New York Stock Exchange on the importance Sponsors (people who champion your advancement). It was the release party of Sylvia Hewlett's new book, Find a Sponsor (Forget a Mentor).

     [image error]    [image error]    [image error]

I wandered up to the second floor to use the ladies room and was struck by a variety of flags being displayed in the hall area. A young woman and her mother told me that the each flag in the exhibit - called the Tribute Flag Project - commemorated the life of someone who had died during the tragic events of Sept 11, 2001.

I spoke with Dianne Brudnicki who had created the exhibit. She explained that people of all ages created the flags in memoriam. Dianne introduced me to Mary Fetchet, who is the founding director of Voices of September 11th. Mary lost her son Bradley, age 24, that day. She founded the organization so that she and other people could have a venue to remember their loved ones. Mary had no idea how to create this, but in a spirit of service, she tackled each challenge one step at a time and kept moving forward.

I was truly inspired by what these amazing women have created.

 

 

 

Fall into Fashion - the Season's Hot Trends

The styles and trends for fall are delicious and savory, with rich colors and warm tones to make the simplest looks come to life. Are you ready? If not, I'm here to help.

Fashion once upon a time was minimalist and simple but today, it's an adventure! It affords you freedom to express yourself. Every season, designers lay out a roadmap with inspired style messages that are personalized to their vision yet inform us as consumers that true fashion sense lies within ourselves.

A designer may have 12-15 pieces in one season’s collection, yet it’s purchased by thousands - sometime millions - of consumers. It is the eye of each individual that makes that same piece unique to them. No two people wear it in exactly same way.

Designers create dreams that guide us in the direction of modernity and relevance, speaking to how we live our lives today. Take this breakdown of the MUST HAVES for fall and dare to be an innovator - embrace the ideas of this season and blaze your own path! Here are some transforming trends that top for fall 2013.

Violet Femmes. Purple reigns - it's the color that says it all for fall. Give your wardrobe a burst of brilliance with this regal hue.
 

                                     [image error]

Red, the new neutral. Red is arresting, a definite head turner. Wear head to toe or accent with black. It will make it all too hard for people not to take that second look.

Rocker chic. Release your inner rock star! Amping up your wardrobe with a moto jacket, leather and sexy studded accessories will announce your confidence without saying a word.

                                      [image error]
 
Lace noir. Madonna had it right! It’s leather's best friend yet adds an element of dark romance and flirty femininity to your favorite looks, day or night.

                                               [image error]
 
Boys town. Traditionally worn as menswear, graphics like plaids, checks, pinstripes and male-style flats make for a look that's downtown cool.

                                    [image error]
 
Scaled-down handbags. Good things come in small packages - a "little" goes a long way in your fall wardrobe. 

                                       [image error] 

The pointed toe. Look sharp in the shoe of the moment. In a sexy heel or tomboy flat, get to the point with this fab style.

Multifaceted necklaces. Decorate this season's best designs with dyed-to-match stones in hues of amethyst, garnet and ruby.

                                             [image error]

Modern beauty. Go with the glow! Beauty is more than skin deep - it starts from within. Healthy, radiant beauty is the look to fall for - and the red lip gives immediate glamour.

Follow these tips for your wardrobe and you will have yourself more than prepared for fall!

Pamela Watson is an experienced stylist who currently works as the trend expert for Builders of Style, where she prepares A-list clients for red carpet events, music videos, concerts, and award shows.

 

Don't Be Afraid to Feel Resentful Part 3

In my previous two blogs on this topic, I introduced Susan who was working out her feelings of resentment and finding a powerful way to use these feelings to become more strategic in her approach to her career in her company and with her boss.  Susan considered what grievance she was at a loss to air with her boss, then assessed her  beliefs and practices by using Adaptive Inquiry (AI). This enabled her to arrive at a strategy for the short and longer term. This last and final blog on this topic will describe the questions she used for exploring her options with priorities and place.
Exploring her priorities around these issues, Susan asked herself:

What are the potential risks/rewards of airing this grievance?


What are the potential risks/rewards of not airing this grievance?


Would I be willing to let go of my need to air this grievance with my boss?

Susan realized that the risks of discussing her needs and grievances with her boss would be greater if she came across as a victim. Instead, she would raise this with a positive tone about her ambitions and discuss the ways she could see his support benefitting her long-term prospects within the company. There was clearly more of a risk associated with not airing her grievance with her boss or the company. She would likely need to leave the company to achieve her career goals. Therefore, it was too high a priority for her to let go of it.
Susan then asked herself these questions around place:

Have I considered removing myself from the place [relationships, team, project, role, organization, community, nation, etc.] in which I am currently at a loss to air this grievance? What impact would doing so have on my ability to meet my other needs?


Have I considered reforming the laws, rules, and norms governing this place to make it easier for me – and others – to air grievances?

As she wrote answers, Susan considered whether changing her job, company, or her boss would be an option for her. She recognized that other needs for stability and pleasure with her work in this current company would be at risk if she made changes now. Changing jobs or companies might be a longer-term option if she didn’t get what she needed after airing her grievance with her boss. She would give it one more year before leaving. She also thought about the procedures and norms within her company for career development and could see as an option to visit with her human resources business partner for some advice.

As you have seen in this three-part blog about Adaptive Inquiry, this approach to interpreting and working with our difficult emotions can shift our perspective in a more powerful way than attributing the cause to others.  AI helps us feel deeply and think clearly – and with practice, builds our emotional intelligence muscles.  Keep reading my blogs for more on other challenging emotions.

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Seize the Opportunity NOW!

The timing for personal change is NOW, not tomorrow.

How many opportunities come our way and we don't take them? Or we procrastinate and put off taking actions that we know we need to take.

When our "head and heart" advises us to move forward, and we don't--how do we feel?

Not very good.

FEAR blocks us from taking action. But we can be afraid and take the next right action, and  then another, and another.

So the next time you know an opportunity has come your way, I support you to take it.

Dare to live fully.

How to Give Authentically

We don’t always give authentically -  sometimes we do it out of guilt, fear or obligation. When we realize patterns of false giving aren't working for us, we are more likely to want to give from a genuine place. The following techniques can help you act differently.

Cultivate awareness. Observe the effect false giving has on you. When you find yourself feeling manipulative, drained or resentful, stop what you are doing. Get some distance and either write in your journal to talk with a supportive friend. Try to understand what was happening and how you feel as a result. For example, are you afraid you’ll make the person angry or that they won’t like you if you don’t give? Do you fear being fired? What motivates your inauthentic giving?

Do the opposite. The next time you catch yourself giving in a way you don’t want to, do the exact opposite. Don’t expect to feel comfortable when you try out new behavior, but know that it will get easier the more you do it.

Take a moment. When someone asks you to do something, don’t react immediately. Pause and inwardly ask yourself, “What do I want to give?” The answer will come.

Excerpt from In Her Power: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

Why You Need to Value Self-Worth

If you don't believe in yourself, who will? Remember to value your skills and talents. Take a look at our quote video about self-worth.

Video Editor - Dominique Guerra

You Are Valuable! Acknowledge Yourself

I once practiced the following exercise for one full day. At the end of it, I was touched by the many people who acknowledged me and by the love I felt for myself. I was able to take in their respect, affection and sincere appreciation. Join me in trying it out.

For one day, become aware of the ways people acknowledge you, no matter how simple these acknowledgements are. (If no one happens to acknowledge you, which I doubt will be the case, ask a trusted friend to describe your best qualities. Take it all in, without pushing away any of what she says.)


At the end of the day, note the details in your journal and answer these questions: First, who was involved and how were you acknowledged? Write about the good feelings that arose.


Next, whom did you acknowledge throughout the day? Do some compliments seem too trivial to extend? They’re really not. Just like you, everyone appreciates a sincere acknowledgment. But we may hesitate to offer praise if we don’t know how to receive it. The circuit is completed by both giving and receiving.

 

Don't Be Afraid to Feel Resentful Part 2

In my last bog, I introduced you to Susan and the resentment she was feeling about her lack of career opportunities and management support. As Susan shifted her perspective about the source of her resentment using Adaptive Inquiry (AI) and the question “What grievance am I at a loss to air?” she realized the potential benefits of further exploring her beliefs, practices, priorities, and place.

Exploring her beliefs, Susan asked herself:

What gives me grounds for complaint? Was my boss’s lack of support unjust, unfair, negligent, or hurtful?


Would my boss agree that I have grounds for complaint?


Might my boss be feeling resentful towards me? If so, what might be the grievance?

By writing her answers in her journal, Susan discovered that she did feel she had grounds for complaint and that her boss might agree. She decided to discuss this with him in a way that helped him see things from her point of view and be open to mutually satisfying ways to address her career ambitions.

Then Susan considered her practices by asking herself:

What policies and procedures are already in place for airing grievances at work?


What attempts have I made to air to do this? What might I want to try next?

Susan realized that she had a performance discussion with her boss coming up on her calendar and this would be a perfect venue for airing her concerns. She also felt that, in assuming he would proactively suppor her career growth, she hadn’t been very assertive. She decided to express her needs more boldly and completely in this meeting.

In the next and last blog about resentment, I will focus on questions that consider options with priorities and place. These areas contribute to strategic thinking about how best to air grievances. Stay tuned…

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Don't Be Afraid to Feel Resentful

Susan had been happy with her job – a position she’d held for five years managing a team of three people – until recently. She felt a lack of attention and support from her boss around career advancement. She thought she was being taken for granted. Susan pushed back her feelings of resentment in favor of gratitude for having a good job and a good salary. But was this serving her needs? How can cultivating and addressing resentment be of service to all of us?

In previous blogs, I’ve discussed the value of Adaptive Inquiry (AI), a step-by-step process for interpreting emotions in a way that allows us to make more effective use of them. Developed by Charles Jones, a cognitive researcher, AI produces an immediate and lasting increase in our emotional intelligence. Over this month, I will be addressing how to use AI practices to make the most of our emotional messages and successfully adapt to challenges.

Let’s start with Susan as an example of using resentment as a tool to meet important needs. This blog about resentment will be delivered in three parts.

Susan had two issues that were misdirecting her attention and creating obstacles to solving her problem.  One was interpreting the problem as her boss - mistaking a stimulus for a cause. The other was pushing away her feeling of resentment, believing that it would not assist her in solving her problem.

However, the actual source of resentment was a genuine need to air a grievance. Susan asked herself: What grievance am I at a loss to express? She realized that she lacked confidence in approaching her boss and explaining what she wanted him to do to help meet her need for career advancement opportunities.

Susan wrote in her journal about her complaints, expectations, wishes and doubts and kept her attention on what feelings emerged for her.  As she constructed her grievances, she noticed that her focus shifted from her boss to her own effectiveness when it came to career advancement and speaking up. She asked herself: “What would I want my boss to do?” “What direction do I want my career to take?”

These questions were a turning point for shifting her attention to her beliefs, practices, priorities and place in the company. 

In the next blog, I’ll discuss the potent questions she used to explore her options for action.

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

How to Appreciate Yourself

[image error]

We all want to be appreciated - we hope others notice the efforts we make. But sometimes we may feel as if we don’t get the recognition we deserve. And let’s face it, there are people who don’t always express their gratitude.

This feeling can lead to resentment. But the truth is, it’s more important to seek approval and validation from ourselves than from others.

Here’s how to give yourself the credit you deserve:

Take note of everything you’ve done recently to help someone else. You are writing it down not to let others know, but to remind yourself.

Acknowledge your work. Don’t ignore even the smallest exertion it takes to complete a task. Tell yourself, “It was hard, but I did it successfully!”

Value what you do. Don’t downplay your accomplishments or the help you give to others. Place a value on whatever you’ve achieved. Did it take three hours of your time? A couple of sleepless nights? Was it worth $500? This will make it easier to see the significance of your time and effort.

Enjoy the feeling of helping. Completing a difficult task is rewarding – especially when it benefits other people. Consider that feeling a reward in itself and you won't need as much validation from others.

- Cecile Peterkin, career and retirement coach