Helene Lerner's Blog, page 145

How to Be Kind to Yourself

Self-criticism depletes our energy, which could be put to productive use. The more we disengage from our critical mind, the more confidence we have to do the things that are important to us. Let's take a look at how the critical mind works. Our mind is bombarded by thoughts - some are pleasant, while others are not. Many are old, critical message we've integrated from parental influences, religious dogma and cultural superstitions. The key is to accept them without judgment - not to place too much attention on them - and to let them come and go.

I'm well acquainted with the harsh inner critic that lives in my head and tells me that nothing I do is good enough, that I'm not good enough. When this critic surfaces, it drains my energy and I suddenly start to doubt myself. It can tell me that what I'm writing isn't poignant, what I'm saying doesn't matter to anyone, what I'm wearing isn't flattering, how I acted yesterday could have been better - and so on.

When I become aware that I'm giving attention to such thoughts, I deliberately stop what I'm doing, pause and tell myself, These lies have no power over me. I say this without gritting my teeth, but with an inner smile, by bringing a sense of humor to this inner gossip. I find that humor is a potent antidote when we are too harsh on ourselves. Treat yourself kindly - you deserve praise.

Excerpt from In Her Power: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

How to Be More Intuitive

Intuition connects us with what we know as true, despite outward influences that may tell us otherwise. Intuition is that inner knowledge we all possess. It is not based on logic, but on a deeper guidance. We can distinguish it from our whims or fears because a sense of calm arises when we access its guidance. 

Trust your intuition, it never lies. Let it guide your daily actions in a clear and focused way.

Before you can tap directly into your intuitive powers, you may need to remove some mental debris, such as superstitions, dogma and prior conditioning. We've listened to others for so long that we've quit relying on ourselves.

Sometimes we block our intuition out of fear that we'll make an irreparable mistake. But when we do this, we usually regret it. How many times have you told yourself, I knew that would happen! Why didn't I listen to myself? I had a feeling I shouldn't have trusted that person. Why did I?

Hunches are undeveloped intuition, so one step toward becoming more intuitive is to listen to your hunches. When you feel something percolating within yourself, stay with it. Follow where your hunch is leading you. Quiet yourself and ask, What is trying to reveal itself to me? I open myself to receiving it now. Then pause and breathe deeply into a state of relaxation. Don't let your ego's fear of hesitation take over and drown out your intuition. Be patient. If nothing comes into your awareness, stop and return to this practice later on.

Intuition and common sense are compatible and both are necessary for making life-changing, life-enhancing decisions. I used to think I would become serene and confident by developing my intellect, so I pursued philosophy in college, reading all the right books and listening to lectures on the meaning of life. At the end of my education, I could "talk the talk" but I hadn't the slightest idea how to "walk the walk." Since then, I've learned to tune in to and trust my intuitive guidance - and so can you. It's already there within you - all you have to do is listen for it. When in doubt, trust your instincts.

Excerpt from In Her Power: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self. 

Don't Be Afraid to Speak Up

Being visible and letting people know the real you can feel awkward. At first, we may express ourselves in a clumsy way if we have been withholding parts of ourselves or are not used to telling the truth. But we must not shy away from this uneasiness because it means we are growing. Living powerfully depends on our ability to communicate honestly.

Consider how you might not be expressing yourself authentically. Can you relate to one or more of the following patterns?

Not saying what you really feel even when you're asked to do so
Not asking questions when you don't understand something but acting instead as though you do
Not asking for help or support when you need it
Not speaking up on important issues and resenting those who do

These are a few of the ways we avoid being fully present, seen and heard. The first step to changing is to catch ourselves participating in self-sabotage behaviors, like not saying what we think and feel. As we become more self-aware, we need to treat ourselves with compassion, realizing that if we could have done better in the past, we would have. Don't shy away from your power. You have a voice, use it.

Excerpt from In Her Power: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self.

Embracing Change

Check out these quotes from inspirational women authors and leaders who describe the importance of embracing the changes life throws at us, in order to catapult you toward success.

Video Editor - Elena Havas

You are enough!

Love this: "I am enough, do enough, have enough."

Do you give yourself the credit you deserve? Do you endorse yourself for a job well-done?

If you are a perfectionist, like me, I can often skip over the good things, and look at what I need to improve on. But this doesn't leave me satisfied.

I have trained myself to acknowledge the things I've done right. And when I do this, I realize that there are a lot of things that fall under that category. I've learned to "mother" and nurture myself, just as I would my child.

Today, take a look at all you do that's right. I bet there's a lot to claim.

Easy Granola with Dates

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day – but in the rush to get out the door, it can be a challenge to start the morning off with a healthy meal. Make this granola over the weekend and you’ll have breakfast covered all week. It’s just as easy as pouring a bowl of sugary cereal but much more nutritious.

If you want to minimize your refined sweeteners, cut out the brown sugar and add a little bit more honey, to your liking (not so much that the granola is overly sticky). If tahini isn’t readily available for you, the recipe will be delicious without it, as well. Or, try substituting almond or peanut butter.

 

 

 

Granola with Dates and Tahini

Time: 1 hour 15 minutes
Servings: About 6

3 cups rolled oats
3 tablespoons packed light brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/3 cup raw honey
1/4 cup sesame oil
1 tablespoon tahini
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup dates, chopped
1/2 cup almonds, thinly sliced or chopped

Preheat oven to 300 degrees. In a large mixing bowl, combine oats, brown sugar and cinnamon. Set aside. In another mixing bowl, combine honey, sesame oil, tahini and vanilla extract. Pour honey mixture over oats and stir to combine. Spread mixture in one layer on a cookie sheet and bake for 15 minutes.

Remove from oven, stir and bake for another 15 minutes. Allow granola to cool for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally. When granola is cool and crunchy, stir in almonds and dates.

-Sarah Cooke, Web Editor, WomenWorking.com

Don't Be Afraid to Be Your Own Sponsor

Few of us enjoy being around braggarts – and for good reason. There’s nothing more boring and unpleasant than listening to someone toot their own horn as though they're the best thing since sliced bread.

However, there are times when a little bragging is appropriate and even necessary. For instance, when you're promoting your ideas at work, interviewing for a new job or higher position, romancing a love interest or presenting yourself to potential clients and business associates.

But, there’s a fine line between bragging and arrogance that must not be crossed or you may be seen as self-absorbed and boastful, instead of strong and confident.

Make sure that when you talk yourself up, it’s about the things you do well and that you state them as true facts. Resist the temptation to embellish your achievements to make them seem greater than they really are.

Choose words that describe your successes in positive ways and keep your accounts precise and to the point. Talk about your strengths; give examples of accomplishments that support your claims. And always give credit to others, especially co-workers, who may have helped you achieve your goals.

Self-confidence is an attractive quality that says, "I know who I am and what I have to offer." Your purpose is to bring attention to your talents and capabilities like leading a team, fulfilling expectations and being successful, not to exhibit superiority over other people.

When the time comes to sing your own praises, take a minute to check your purpose and intentions. If you're bragging to impress other people, or to make yourself feel like you’re better than others, you're more likely to appear arrogant and pretentious.

Once you put yourself out there, you could become the target of criticism; and some people may be rubbed the wrong way. Sometimes that’s the price of success and an occupational hazard. But, when bragging is done correctly, you’re just as likely to gain respect and admiration for your confidence and abilities, which is critically important to your future success.

So, don’t be afraid to do a little shameless self-promotion when the time is right. As long as it’s done tastefully, authentically and for the right reasons, never hesitate to speak up for yourself. After all, if you don’t, it’s a certainty that no one else will!

-Lyn Williams, Author, Speaker and "Love and Happiness Mastery" Coach
http://www.thewomanexec.com


 

Easy Ways to Shake Up Your Routine

We all have our habits. And although sticking closely to a routine can be comforting and beneficial, it also has its downside. For one thing, it can get boring. More significantly, it can close our minds to new opportunities and ways of doing things. Shaking up your routine doesn’t have to be expensive or time consuming. Here are a few tips.

Take quiet time. If you can get up five or 10 minutes earlier, use the time to reflect on the day to come. Giving yourself a brief opportunity to think about how you can mindfully and intentionally structure your time can spark new ideas about how to approach your everyday tasks.

Mix up your meals. What could be more routine than eating? We do it three times a day – every single day! If you find yourself eating the same meals, know that this isn’t always the best from a nutrition perspective. If you buy your lunch at a café, try packing it the night before instead (or vice versa). Foods impact our energy and mood in different ways, so switching up your meals might help you find new options that support your needs more effectively.

Opposite day! If you have enough flexibility in your schedule to decide when you take on certain tasks, try switching a few of your morning and afternoon tasks. You may feel that you perform certain activities more efficiently at a different time. And simply altering your regular agenda can help you to feel more alert and change the cadence of your day.

Give your computer a break. Many of us spend considerable portions of our downtime staring at screens – whether it’s social media, email or Netflix. Once a week, take the time you ordinarily spend on your computer and try something new. Call a friend you haven’t heard from in a while, pick up a new book or go on a walk.

How to Deal with Critical People

Critical people! It seems like they’re everywhere. They may be family members, friends, bosses, co-workers, even strangers. And they may leave you feeling belittled and disempowered. But, no matter how many of these energy vampires we encounter in our daily lives, there are things we can do to reclaim our power and protect ourselves from their invasion of our personal, emotional space.

Most critical people have insecurities that lead to an unhealthy desire for attention. Realizing the underlying causes of their behavior can help you handle their comments, the same way you would if they were coming from a petulant child. When you stop to think about it, that’s exactly what their critical behavior is…a child-like tantrum!

Here are a few steps to help you cope:

Don’t take it personally. Remember, their comments are just their opinion. It doesn’t mean anything until you internalize it. The key here is to know yourself – that makes it easier to ignore their negative words.

Avoid responding tit-for-tat. Engaging the critic is the worst thing you can do. It’s like pouring gasoline on a fire. A negative comeback serves the purpose of giving them the attention they desire. For the critic, any attention is better than no attention at all.

Disarm them. Smile and say, “thank you for sharing.” Surprise! The critical person expects some kind of negative response, confrontation or disempowered reaction like fear or sadness. When you don’t respond as expected, you take the fun out of their game. If you do this a few times, they’ll most likely leave you alone because they’re not getting the desired reaction.

When the critical person is your boss, you have to handle the situation a little differently. Their power over you carries greater consequences, so you may have to allow the criticism to happen. If this is the case, deal with it on your own by learning stress management techniques and practices to help you release and clear the tension. Recognize that your boss is a bully. Check to see if your company has policies to help you remedy the situation.

Analyze the critical comments. See if there’s any truth in what’s being said. Sometimes our insecurities can prevent us from seeing criticism as honest feedback. So, don’t automatically dismiss it.

Ignore the person. If there’s no value in what has been said, you have the right to just walk away and not react at all. Sometimes this is the best reaction because it diffuses the situation and disperses the energy.

Remember, the constant critic is really just an adult with a little child inside who’s looking for attention and validation. If you don’t give them what they need, they’ll look for it somewhere else.

How to Be Motivated When You're Feeling Down

As much as we try to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, some days we’re just not feeling it. We asked our amazing Facebook community what they do to motivate themselves when they’re feeling down. Here are some of their excellent responses:

Take your mind off it. Some days, all we need is a quick distraction to elevate our spirits. Many of our followers said they like to exercise, read a book, visit the spa or peruse Pinterest (how can your mood not be lifted by snarky cats and cupcakes?).

Keep your eyes on the prize. Other days, though, our sinking mood might have to do with something a little deeper. At times like this, our followers said they remind themselves of their larger goals. As one follower commented, “When my situation is perceived as temporary, I can focus on what I need to do in the moment…my plan [is] to go back to grad school.”

Be grateful. When you feel you’re stuck in a situation you’re not happy with, it can be challenging to remember all the things that are going well in your life. Taking a few minutes to reflect on what you have is a valuable tool. Some of our followers said they create gratitude lists, while others simply remind themselves of the aspects of their lives that bring them happiness.

Don't go it alone. Support networks are crucial, according to our followers. Many of them turn to family members or networks of friends and other women to help them gain perspective on challenging situations. A different viewpoint can often help you stop catastrophizing and see that your circumstances may not be as scary as you think. As one follower noted, “It’s difficult to motivate yourself sometimes, but my husband helps me stay focused.”