Helene Lerner's Blog, page 148

How to Handle Adversity

Being able to rebound after a crisis or setback is essential to your success, happiness and recovery. Sometimes life gives you more than a lemon - it gives you an entire lemon orchard. So, I say, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When it gives you an orchard…it’s time to step up!"

In other words, you can always handle whatever life gives you, if you have the right attitude and you're willing to see the bigger picture. Here are a few steps to help you expand your vision and shift your perspective.

1.    Keep an open mind. No matter what happens, the situation won’t last forever. Everything   changes sooner or later. Sometimes there’s a lesson to be learned. Look for the blessing within a situation, accept what it brings you so you can move past the experience as quickly as possible.

2.    Be gentle with yourself. Mistakes and setbacks happen. Instead of feeling guilty or getting angry, take a few minutes to breathe so you can think clearly. Stressful emotional reactions drain your energy and cloud your thinking. They keep you from seeing solutions and opportunities that may be the answers to the challenges you’re facing.

3.    Don’t try to do everything yourself. If you need assistance, direction or counseling, get it! We’re here to help each other, but no one can give you a hand if they don’t know you need it. Acknowledging when you need help and asking for it is a sign of strength and awareness, not weakness or incompetence.

4.    Never give up, never surrender! Failure doesn’t happen until you stop trying. When things don’t work out the way you expected,  it just means you’re one step closer to discovering what will work.

5.    Don’t waste time crying over what you can’t change. Get busy looking for solutions, then take action and celebrate your victory. You’re stronger than you think!

What it Means to be Resilient

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I could only see my feet and the red flashing light.  I remember thinking, "So this is success? Here I am away from home, my family and my life."I lay in the back of an ambulance after having just turned 40, thinking I was going to die from a heart attack - though I had merely collapsed from stress.

This happened right in the middle of a very fortunate and successful career. I had just been promoted to HR Manager for IKEA North America from Store Manager and commuted weekly from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia. I had been married to my incredible friend and husband for just a few years. We were raising two wonderful, young kids, and were keeping up with the house, the dog and lots of friends. My proud leadership symbol was a Duracell battery – the energizer bunny, which never stopped. I always welcomed another exciting project, could always add on more meetings, more travel, could always fit in time for colleagues and at home I was always ready to host a dinner party and participate in another Susan Komen three-day walk. I was proud of building the necessary resilience needed to be a corporate leader, excellent mother, wonderful wife, caring friend and  exceptional host. I was operating on all cylinders and pushing for the same level of perfection at all times. In my mind, the more I could take on, the more cylinders, the more pressure – the more resilience.

I was very wrong. Today I realize that the anxiety attack I had during one of my busy and emotionally draining commuting weeks was simply needed for me to stop the insanity I had created. My body finally reacted and the doctor in the emergency room told me that I did not have a heart attack, but I had built up tremendous stress over time. I didn’t change a thing the next day. I felt better - saw it as small bump in the road that I was strong enough to overcome. It was a year later when I had time to reflect and start making changes. I began to re-think what it means to be resilient.

I learned the importance of reflection, coming up for air, stepping back and looking at what is happening. I learned that we cannot run on all cylinders all the time with the same level of pressure and expectation of perfection. Something will simply burst. I learned to embrace imperfection, to prioritize myself and to set boundaries. I learned to create a healthy space between myself and the business, to not take things personally and to never get caught in other people’s hurricanes.

This new insight and understanding of sustainable resilience prepared me more than anything else for my next position as CEO for IKEA North America. During those nine years I met the toughest challenges of my life and was determined never to lose myself again.

True resilience is not about a job title, status, money or possessions. It is about the ability to stand with both feet deeply grounded in who we are, in our values, experiences, strengths and beautiful flaws and embrace any opportunity or challenge that comes our way.

By Pernille Lopez, Former CEO, IKEA North America

The secret to dealing with angry people

I do not let angry people engage me in their drama.

It is so easy to get thrown off balance by reacting to hostile people who push our buttons. When we do, it distracts us from accomplishing important things in our lives.  Cheryl is learning how to avoid being reactive. "I've had a problem overreacting when someone is angry with me.  However, I am being coached to detach from that person--because their agitation probably has little to do with me. I don't have to get defensive.  As a result, I find myself having more time to do my work."

If we realize that the people who attack us are really in need of help, we take back our power and put the focus on ourselves.

How have you acted with compassion recently to someone who was harsh with you?

From In Her Power: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

How to Set Boundaries and Say No

A few days ago, we had an insightful conversation on our Facebook page about what to tell a friend who is stretched too thin because she can't say no. Our amazing community had some excellent responses.

"No" isn't negative. We often feel guilty about saying no, as if we're doing something wrong by turning down a request or invitation. But saying no is often positive, as it allows us to schedule time for our own activities or simply to rest, which helps us feel energized for those intivations we say yes to. As one Facebook member put it, saying no is, "necessary for setting boundaries and self-presevation."

You always say no to something. If you say yes to an invitiation or other request for your time, you're saying no to something else by default, whether it's time to relax, engage in a hobby or do an activity with your family. It's important to set your priorities and consciously decide what to say no to. 

Know your dreams. If you have a clear picture of your dreams and goals and understand the steps it takes to reach them, you are more likely to say no to things that take too much time away from your priorities. As one member said, having "meaningful goals in place" makes it easier to decide when to say yes.

 

 

Five Steps to Reaching Your Dreams

Envision something you’ve always wanted to do but thought you never could. It doesn’t even matter whether the dream comes true. What matters is that you have the dream. 

Begin with these five steps:

1. Spend five minutes once or twice daily daydreaming about something you desire or need.

2. Daydream about several different things you'd like to have. For instance, your dream career, enough money to live the way you choose, finding the perfect love partner or having more time with family.

3. Energize your visions by imagining what it would feel like to have these things. Let your imagination run wild.

4. Choose three to five of your daydreams and write them down. Then, use them as the focus of your future dreaming practice.

5. Take action! Break the big picture into small tasks. Organize and prioritize them into a plan and start working on the first tasks as soon as possible. This helps to make them real and believable. Now they’re possibilities instead of fantasies.

Continue your daydreaming practice and working on your action plan for at least 30 days. What happens next will be amazing!

Comic Mom Laughs Through Stress

Kyle Ocasio discovered her passion for stand up comedy after the birth of her third child. She has been featured at some of New York's top comedy clubs and continues to channel the difficulties of being a wife and mother through her hilarious standup.

Put Self-Care Top of the List

Yes, you are very busy, I know that, so am I, but why do we have to remind ourselves to carve out ME time?

It is the summer ladies. Time to enjoy, recharge and have some fun.

Have you been able to take some time for yourself? Or are you finding yourself, just too busy with work, family, etc.

Now, is the time to do something special, just for you. After all, you deserve it. Whatever it is that gets you excited, put it top of the list! To having a great weekend.

Easy Work Day Lunch: Quinoa and Kale Salad

Lunch can be tricky if you have a packed schedule. I’ve spent more money at cafes than I’d like to admit because it’s challenging to think of tasty, convenient lunches to fix and take to work. This salad is delicious, easy to make and loaded with vitamins, fiber and – thanks to the quinoa – complete protein. It’s gluten-free and can easily be made vegan by leaving out the cheese. It will last a few days, so make it on Sunday and you've got lunch for the first half of the week. Enjoy!

 

 

 

Quinoa and Kale Salad

Time: 30 Minutes
Makes about 6 cups

For the salad:
1 cup pine nuts
1 bunch green kale (about 4 cups when chopped)
1 cup dry quinoa
2 cups water
1 teaspoon garlic salt
½ teaspoon salt (I sometimes use Himalayan pink salt for all the lovely minerals. If you do that, start off with ¼ teaspoon then season to taste)
½ cup goat feta
For the dressing:
½ cup extra virgin olive oil
¼ cup lemon juice
¼ cup lime juice
½ teaspoon garlic salt
½ teaspoon salt

Directions

Start by toasting the pine nuts. Don't worry, it’s simple. Arrange the pine nuts in one layer on a baking sheet and place in the oven at 375 degrees for about 7 minutes, until they start to turn golden. Next, de-stem your kale. The easiest way to do this is to hold the kale leaf upside down in one hand and grab it with your other hand, then slide that hand down the stem. Next, chop the kale into small pieces and set aside.

Now it’s time to cook the quinoa. Combine the quinoa and water in a pot and bring to a boil. Turn down heat and simmer for about 15 minutes, until water is absorbed and quinoa is soft and fluffy. Add garlic salt and salt and stir to combine. Transfer quinoa to a large mixing bowl and refrigerate to chill.

Add kale, pine nuts and goat feta and toss all ingredients.

For the dressing, combine all ingredients in a jar with a lid, then close the jar and shake vigorously – over the sink just in case – until olive oil no longer separates from juices. Pour dressing over salad and toss with salad tongs.

By Sarah Cooke, Web Editor, WomenWorking.com

Turn Dreams into Goals

I’m so happy to be WorkingWomen.com’s guest blogger this month because I get to share the very unique experience of starting a new life journey with you. During the coming month, I’ll share the details of how I created a new life and show you how you can do the same.

I went from a successful, prosperous business woman to being a welfare recipient living with friends - from being married with a loving family to practically alone in the world.

What happened? Well, some call it the Three D’s: Death, Divorce and the Downturn. But, whatever you call it, it turned my life inside out. It’s been about nine years now and I’ve created a new beginning.

Now, I’m a life coach, helping women find their joy, love themselves more and be happier so they can reignite their dreams and create the lives they desire.

Everything has changed and I have a new life now…the one I’ve always dreamed about. I hope my story will inspire, encourage and inform you, as I know many of you are on the same journey. You’ve got to be patient. It may take awhile, but you can turn your life around too.

So, whether your life is in transition, you want a different career, your own business or you’re just trying to make some changes, the “how-to” is the same.

You start with dreaming. As children we could imagine anything. That’s why young people have so much energy and ambition. As we age and life happens, we become practical, realistic, and our dream engine slows or shuts down.

I’ve had clients tell me, “I’ve given up on my dreams” or, “I don’t know how to dream anymore.” That makes me sad. But you can learn to dream again. Everything begins with an idea, which can become a dream and, ultimately, a goal.

In the next posting, I’ll give you five easy steps to re-fire your dream engine and reactivate your imagination so it can do what it was designed to do: help you create the life of your dreams.

How to Reduce Your Stress

Let’s face it – stress is something most of us have to deal with. We’ve all heard that taking a moment to breathe and getting enough sleep can help us mellow out. But we can go deeper than that. Here are a few tips on how to structure your lifestyle in a way that helps you lessen the stress load.

Tune in. One of the major causes of stress is a feeling of overwhelm. It’s understandable that, if you have a lot going on at work, it will always be in the back of your mind. But if your brain never leaves the office, you’ll never have an opportunity to unwind and refresh. When you’re away from work – whether you’re cooking a delicious meal, spending time with your family, or even just watching your favorite TV show – allow yourself to really enjoy it. Turn your full attention to what you’re doing and be present for your experiences. That way, when you go back to work the next morning, you’ll feel renewed. On the other hand, when you’re at work, engage with what you’re doing so at the end of the day, you feel a sense of accomplishment.

Know your work style. We all work best under different conditions. Some people enjoy having music in the background while others prefer silence. Some of us like bustling offices while others work better in quiet spaces. Don’t stress yourself out trying to conform to working conditions that aren’t right for you. Of course, every workplace has a culture and you don’t want to disregard that. But it’s ok if your work habits aren’t the same as those of your co-workers. Within those boundaries, do what you can to create a space that suits your work style.

Remember your individuality. By the end of the work day, you’re often exhausted and all you want to do is kick off your shoes and collapse on the sofa. But that can lead to the feeling that your job is your life. Losing touch with people and activities you care about can make you feel disconnected from yourself, which creates more stress. It can be challenging to try to pack even more into a busy schedule, but it’s important to take time whenever possible – hopefully on a regular basis – for yourself.