Helene Lerner's Blog, page 150

How to Set the Right Boundaries

We give our power away when we say yes when we really mean no. The first step in learning to set appropriate boundaries is to become aware of what we want to give in any situation.

Not everyone will appreciate your assertiveness but you will feel good about yourself because you didn't back down.

Think of a situation recently when you were being pressured to do something and you declined. How were you able to do that?

Saying no can be positive when it frees you to do what is most beneficial for you and others. Saying yes too many times may mean that you're trying to seduce others into liking you by being who they want you to be. Have faith that they will like you even better for who you are. And if they don't, you may need to move on.

How can we get a handle on saying no? We need to evaluate new requests for our help with the existing commitments we have, then make a choice based upon what seems most important at the moment. In other words, if you say yes to a request, you most likely will have to let another commitment go, rather than do both.

Adapted from In Her Power: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self and Time For Me.

 

How to Relax on Vacation

Have you ever gone on a vacation and felt exhausted when you got back? Vacations can be stressful, in fact, stress due to positive changes is called eustress, so here are a few tips for having a relaxing trip.

Don’t stress about working ahead. Many people try to get extra work done ahead of time so they won’t feel swamped when they get back. Unless there are deadlines while you’re away, though, this might not be helpful because you’ll probably always have some catching up to do after time off. Going on overdrive right before the vacation means you’ll start your trip feeling even more stressed than usual.

Have a phone routine. You’ve probably heard that, to unwind when you’re away from the office, you need to disconnect – no work calls or emails. For some of us, though, that can create even more stress. Check your phone and email only at a set time every day or so during your vacation – and be sure to stick to that routine. Be available enough that you’re not feeling anxious about work but not so available that you can’t relax.

Balance active time and down time. Often, having nothing to do after being accustomed to busyness can feel uncomfortable. Schedule activities during your trip but balance them with time to simply rest and enjoy the company of family or friends.

Roll with the punches. If you don’t have a lot of opportunities to take time off, it’s natural to want to make your vacation perfect. But things will never go exactly as planned. If your flight is delayed or it rains on the day you’re supposed to go kayaking, don’t sweat it. Remember, you’re on a vacation – your plans are flexible!

Are You Leaning In?

Many professional women are now familiar with the concept put forth by Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer of Facebook, in her book Lean In. The sensation that has followed has been extraordinary, as Lean In clubs and meetups have popped up all over the country and sparked a nationwide (global maybe?) dialogue about women and leadership. One of the basic principles of the book, having confidence in yourself, is something I teach my clients. I have helped hundreds of women advance in their careers with self-assurance.

There is no doubt that corporate boardrooms and corner offices would benefit from the leadership of women. To my women clients, I recommend “thinking big” because, why not? I see the differences between my male and female clients all the time. The men I work with rarely doubt themselves, nor are they afraid to negotiate and ask for the salaries they deserve. They don't waste time wondering if they're good enough. The women need coaching in these areas. I'm not suggesting that we be more like men, rather, that they just borrow a few aspects.

I remember when I was headhunted for my dream job, business development at a design firm. I was so excited, even though the longer hours meant even more time away from my husband, it was just a great opportunity so I made the sacrifice. However, I made some critical mistakes at the time and the job lasted a whopping fourmonths.

Looking back, I realize by not Leaning In, I doomed my chances for success. Here are few things I should have done differently.

Research
Confidence comes from knowledge – knowing your expertise, knowing the job, knowing that you can do it. Also, knowing the company, culture and salary for that position. While I did preliminary research on the company and principals, I didn't dig deeply enough. When you lean in, you have the facts and make sound decisions.
Lean In: Talk to current/past employees, ask about the culture and management style before you say yes.

Do the Math
I didn't negotiate my salary – and I was vastly underpaid! Why? I was so happy to be offered a position doing what I really wanted to do that I accepted the first number they offered. BIG MISTAKE! I should have leaned in and done my research. What I was bringing to the table was worth much more and, more importantly, if you don't negotiate (either an offer or a raise), you lose leverage.
Lean In: Know the salary range for the position. Counter offer with a number at least 10% over. Know your bottom line, and don't budge.

Assert Yourself
I really knew the job they hired me for. But, I was intimidated because it was my first real senior position. Turns out though, the company was not supportive of my role, my co-workers were hostile and undermined me and management left me to drift. I should have leaned in, set a meeting with the CEO and cleared the air. That's what a strong leader would have done (and I was in a leadership position).
Lean In: Take charge of the situation. Ask for a meeting, come prepared. Don't wait for direction, make your own way.

I try to lean in every day now. I encourage my women clients to get out of their comfort zone, to ask for promotions and raises and negotiate job offers, sit on boards; to speak up and not let things slide. You can be a leader, and it starts with a few steps in the right direction!

To Grow, Accept Yourself As You Are

When we only appreciate parts of ourselves and exclude others because we are embarrassed or ashamed of them, we are likely to invest our energy in trying to keep those parts secret. But that doesn't work very well; when we don't bring our full selves to the table, we divest ourselves of power. To be powerful means to accept ourselves at this very moment just as we are - to embrace our assets as well as our flaws and to acknowledge, with loving kindness, the ways our lives are thriving and the areas in which we have yet to grow. Answer the questions below to better understand where you stand on appreciating all of yourself:

What have you achieved by using your talents and abilities?


Which parts of yourself do you hide, not wanting anyone to know about? Do you find you deny them to yourself, too?


Do you realize that your way of being in the world, your uniqueness, consists of acknowledging yourself in your entirety?

It is not easy to embrace all the different parts of yourself. Although I coach women to be transparent with their weaknesses as well as their strengths, I found myself on a vacation a few years back coming face to face with my demons - my terror and lack of trust - that I would have preferred to deny. Here's what happened.

I had gone to a spa to recharge and met several women over lunch who took part in an activity called Quantum Leap. Harnessed for safety, they climbed to the top of a twenty-five-foot pole, stood on a narrow platform and then leapt off, landing safely on the desert floor. The exercise took participants beyond their comfort zone. They were so exhilarated by the experience that I felt I should try it.

The day before I left the spa, I signed up for a similar event. I purposely put myself last in line to jump because, as I looked up and saw where we were climbing, I could feel terror mounting inside me. I tried to take my mind off this by chatting with the other women. But when my turn came and I was harnessed in and told to step to the platform, I looked down and thought to myself, I can't do this. Even with the women below encouraging me - shouting, "Go, Helene!" - I felt paralyzed. I remember looking down and thinking, No, I won't do this. At that moment, the instructor saw my desperation and said, "If you don't want to do it, I'll help you down." I really felt like I was about to jump off a cliff. I was so embarrassed to be the only one who might not jump. I felt like I was letting myself down, allowing my fears to get the best of me. I closed my eyes tightly and took several deep breaths. Finally, I let go of the rope, which I'd been holding tightly, and stepped off. As soon as that happened, I began sobbing.

I never expected that. Why was I so scared? I realized that I was facing the unknown and was stripped of any opportunity to control what would happen. I had to trust what I was seeing: that others not only survived but were exhilarated by the exercise. I came away with a new sense of who I am - my fears and my courage. I had the desire to do something I've never done before, which I see as a strength, but I also had to embrace the terrified part of me that didn't trust that all would be okay. I felt fully present.

It's not necessary to perform a daring physical in order to become more in touch with what limits you. Having the courage to grow through any type of adversity will not only reveal your inner resources but also your limitations.

Excerpt from In Her Power.

Three Tips for Easy Cooking

When you have a busy work schedule, cooking often gets put on the back burner. But the benefits to both your health and your wallet make it worthwhile to cook at home as often as you can. Here are a few tips to make it faster and simpler.

1.    Stock up your kitchen. One reason eating out seems easier is that, if we have nothing in our fridge or pantry, we have to take the time to stop at the grocery store. Making sure your shelves are filled with staple ingredients – like brown rice and frozen chicken breasts and veggies – means you can whip up a meal without the extra trip. Try to minimize specialized ingredients you’ll only use in one or two meals. Buy the foods you eat the most of in bulk, that way you’ll be sure to have them on hand and you’ll save money. Having plenty of basic, versatile ingredients means you can put together several meals before going shopping again.

2.    Store your food properly. It’s easy just to cover your leftovers with a piece of plastic wrap and call it a day. But storing them in glass containers means fewer meals to prepare. The same holds true for produce. Take your fruit out of the plastic bag you put it in at the store – unless you’re trying to ripen it quickly. If you buy bags of chopped lettuce, store it in a glass container with a lid once the bag is open.

3.    Plan ahead. There are a few things you can do over the weekend to make your life easier. Pop a couple chicken breasts in the oven and save them for the next day – all you’ll have to do is heat them up. Make a big pot of soup or a casserole – something you can make several servings of in one pot or pan. Prepare any meal you enjoy and freeze it. You can freeze more than you might think – even milk (though the flavor won’t be quite the same when you thaw it, so it will be better for cooking or baking than drinking). In addition, it can be helpful to invest in a slow cooker and have dinner waiting for you when you get home. You can even make oatmeal overnight in a slow cooker - a great way to enjoy a filling, healthy breakfast on the go. Finding the time to cook can be a challenge – but following these tips will make it more manageable.

Fabulous Multicultural Women's National Conference 2013

 

Once again, Carol Evans, a pioneer leader and president of Working Mother Media, has created a fabulous conference titled, "Living Out Loud: The Power of Your Story," that I attended this morning. Carol shared a personal story about when she was a little girl and how her mother took a stand in honoring diversity.

Carol Evans

Beth Comstock, SVP, CMO, GE, a co-chair of the conference, talked about feedback she got from Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, which transformed her way of dealing with people.

Beth Comstock

Lisa Nichols was the keynote and shared her journey from being on welfare to now heading a multi-million-dollar business.

Lisa Nichols

This set the stage for transparent discussions with a variety of breakout groups.

Are You a Mentor?

Almost every professional has had a mentor somewhere along the way, be it in college, during an internship, or perhaps in the first few years of of working. The advice and guidance mentors provide are invaluable, helping young staff members learn the ropes and avoid pitfalls. Although college is a wonderful experienc where you learn a lot, you don't necessarily learn about office politics and or receive professional development advice. Yet, a successful career often hinges on just those factors.

Now is the perfect time to become a mentor. There may be a few summer interns in your office, or some newly hired graduates. Here are a few ways to get started.

Regularly Scheduled Lunches
I scheduled a “touch-base” lunch once a month, with no agenda topics. It's always a fun and informative hour to answer questions and offer encouragement.

Up Mentoring
As an HR Manager, I noticed that our multi-generation workforce would benefit from a little reverse mentoring: the younger staff offering tips to the “Boomers” on topics such as social media, blogging, digital portfolios, etc. I selected a monthly topic, scheduled a junior employee to host, invited the target audience and held monthly presentations. This was wildly successful!

In-House Seminars
Once a quarter, I organized a continuing education class held after work for Interns. This made it much easier for them to complete their intern development program and stay on track for eventual liscensure (in Architecture).

Guest Speakers
A simple way to help mentor junior staff is to host guest speakers at lunch. I arranged experts in the areas of professional speaking, dressing, and life coaching topics. These lunches were always over capacity!

Today's young workers, the Millennials, often get a bad rap. In my experience, however, I find this generation of young people to be engaged, caring and willing to learn. If you make an effort to reach out and mentor, you will be rewarded in ways you never expected!

- Kristi Enigl, Career Coach

What are you most passionate about?

Are you passionate about the work you do? Or do you find yourself mechanically facing the tasks before you?

Are you creating the life you want? Or do you think that is impossible?

Are you spending time with the people you really care about? Or are you so overcommitted that you're not spending quality time with them?

If you don't like your answers to the questions above, you can change the things that aren't working for you. With awareness and support, you can start taking different actions, one action at a time.

Now is the time for personal change, to make your life a powerful and joyful one.

Best Friends the Power of Sisterhood

Here's one of my favorite tv shows.  Although we produced it years ago, the message is universal. Jamie Lee Curtis as well as several other terrific women appear in the half hour.

Love to hear about your best friend, please comment on who she or he is.

Enjoy!

Plan the Wedding You Truly Want

This time of year, it seems like there’s a wedding every weekend. It’s easy to look at Facebook photos of friends’ weddings and feel the need to live up to the standards they’ve set. But as someone who got married two weeks ago, let me tell you, if you want your wedding to be fun and meaningful, it has to authentically reflect you and your partner.

I have friends who have had traditional weddings and have been very happy with them. But my husband and I knew we wanted something different. We wanted our wedding to be casual and laid back. We wanted our guests to feel like they were at a party with friends, not a formal affair. He didn’t wear a tuxedo and I didn’t wear a long gown. Instead, I wore a gorgeous knee-length dress that was made by an Etsy merchant. Our wedding party wore what they wanted. We wrote our own vows and one of my oldest friends officiated. We didn't have a bouquet toss. No one "gave me away." There was a zombie cake.

A few times, we almost caved in to the expectation that we would follow traditions. But in the end, we put together an event that reflected who we are – and we were told by numerous guests that they’d never had more fun at a wedding. It’s remarkable how listening to your heart and your inner wisdom often has a ripple effect that positively impacts those around you.

Your wedding day is one of the most significant days of your life – it should be authentic. As with anything you care about in life, it’s important to have the courage to do what you know is right for yourself. Your loved ones probably won’t be offended – they want you to have a wedding that will make you happy. If they criticize your decisions, tell yourself it’s not necessary – or possible – to please everyone. What’s important is that you plan a day you’ll remember fondly.

By Sarah Cooke, Web Editor, WomenWorking.com