Helene Lerner's Blog, page 141

How to Deal with Rejection

When you’re turned down for a job or a promotion, it’s easy to take it personally and beat yourself up. But if you want to continue progressing, it’s important to put rejection in perspective.

Keep your plans flexible. In the moment, being turned down can feel like a major disappointment. But you don’t know what will happen in the future. Maybe being passed over for one job will allow you to pursue another one that’s a better fit. Recognize that your path may take some unexpected turns – and be prepared to make the most of them.

Don’t let it damage your self-image. Being rejected might not be just about you. If you don’t get a particular job, it could have more to do with the hiring manager’s personal preferences than your abilities.

Treat yourself like a friend. We all have friends and family members who have been turned down, passed over or even let go. And chances are, you don’t judge them as harshly for it as you do yourself. Give yourself the same compassion you’d give a friend in your situation.

Don’t let frustration get the best of you. When you’re turned down, it can feel like the next opportunity will never come. And that can lead to a sense of despair. It might not be easy – earning a promotion or finding a new job can be  hard work. But if you’re feeling powerless, take a look at your resume. Remind yourself of your skills and experience. Then, ask yourself what external factors – which were probably out of your hands – could have contributed to the rejection. This will help you maintain confidence in your ability to land the next position that comes your way.

-Sarah Cooke

How to Effectively Handle Anxiety Part 3

In my two previous blogs in this series, I introduced Barbara, who struggles with anxiety in managing projects. She used Adaptive Inquiry (AI) to help her handle her emotions and become more effective.  Barbara considered her beliefs, practices, priorities and place and began building a strategy to use her anxiety to mitigate risks and fortify her resilience.  In this blog, I will describe how she used priorities and place to arrive at a successful adaptive strategy.

After asking herself potent questions about her beliefs and practices, Barbara considered her priorities. She asked, “Would I benefit from changing my priorities with regard to mitigating this risk?”

Barbara considered what it might cost her to reduce the probability of completing the project late. She decided that communicating with her team members more frequently could lower that risk - and it could have some side benefits if she approached her team with intentions to coach and remove obstacles, rather than nagging them or micro-managing.  Therefore, there were no costs. Barbara decided that the time, attention and resources she would be willing to invest in increasing her communications with her team and her boss were worth it in order to mitigate any risks.

Finally, Barbara looked at her options around place. She asked herself, “Would I benefit from changing my place (relationship with my team, the management role, this particular project, my company, etc.) to improve my ability to mitigate these risks?”

Barbara realized that, although she felt anxious with all the responsibilities of managing projects, if she took a less responsible position, she wouldn’t meet her other needs for learning and career growth. Barbara knew that communicating more would help to raise her credibility with her boss as well. She would grow from changing her practices and would also increase her feeling of self-effectiveness in this current position.

Using the Adaptive Inquiry technique to take her through each instance of anxiety, Barbara found ways to work with her anxieties to mitigate the potential of loss or injury.  

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

See Yourself as You Truly Are

The impostor syndrome is cunning and baffling. Heed Joyce Roche’s strategies for confronting it head-on:

The impostor syndrome, at its core, is a distortion in the way we see ourselves. The trouble is that we believe the warped image to be reality – the “truth” we’ve somehow managed to hide from the rest of the world. We are petrified that we will be discovered and spend nearly all our energy guarding against that possibility.

Don’t stay silent. Find a way to speak about your fears with a trusted friend, a coach, a mentor, your partner, a therapist, or in a journal

Get a reality check. Test whether your way of seeing yourself and your abilities and accomplishments is realistic. 

Become familiar with your impostor. What are you trying to prove? To whom? And why? 

Listen to your heart. Work to clarify your own values and build connections with people who share those values.

Question your work habits. Ask whether all your hard work is making you feel less like a fake. Then, begin to consider what makes you feel truly worthy in your own eyes. 

Get centered in yourself. Don’t give power to assumptions other people may make about you.

Analyze your success. Develop a written inventory of your skills, accomplishments and experiences to understand your success. 

Exercise your sense of humor. Try to keep a sense of perspective and to laugh as often as possible – especially at yourself.

Adapted from Joyce Roche's new book, The Empress Has No Clothes: Conquering Self-Doubt to Embrace Success, Berrett-Koeller Publishers, Inc., 2013

 

Our Power as Women

A while back, we interviewed several terrific women at an event celebrating International Women’s Day. They had some powerful things to say, which are timely today. Take a look!

 

From Artist to Entrepreneur

 

Recently, we spoke with Marsha Fleisher, founder of Loominus. She turned her love of weaving into a thriving business. Here are her insights about creativity, entrepreneurship and facing challenges.

When you are a little girl, who saw something in you that you didn’t see in yourself?

My parents always told me that I was special and I believed them, of course, even though I didn't understand what that meant really. It did somehow seep in and give me courage as I grew up.

How did you express your creativity when you were younger, was there a teacher, parent, anyone else, who encouraged you and believed in your talents?

I definitely expressed myself through music and was a dedicated piano student as a child.

Art was always a part of my life, but I enjoyed a wide range of subjects in school. Both math and music are a fundamental part of weaving, along with color!

How did you create your own business, what was your motivation?

I started my business because I wanted to contribute to our household financially and be home to raise my children. Motherhood has always been the most important part of my life!  I met a friend one evening who mentioned that she was weaving and it was very meditative. It hit the right chord with me and I immediately took a few lessons, bought a loom and started a hand weaving business in my home.

                                     

How have you grown it?

My business grew from there, starting in the mid-80's, adding looms, hiring wonderful people from my hometown of Woodstock, NY to help me, while I raised my two wonderful sons. The craft world was my base. I thought of myself foremost as a craftsperson. I worked the craft show circuit with fellow artisans.  But when most craft artists stayed within that venue, I extended into the world of fashion and wholesale trade and participated and sold to wearable art galleries, specialty stores and later, the big department stores.

What would you tell other artists who want to create a business and sell their art—what do they need to be successful?

The most important aspect of success is perseverance.  I am still challenged by both the craft world and the fashion world.  You need to completely believe in what you are selling and understand where it fits into the marketplace, who would be interested in your product and what price will they be wiling to pay to own it or sell it. 

                                                 

Please describe something about your life that has been challenging.  How are you overcoming it?

The most challenging life experience has been the loss of dear ones - and one of the few things that has helped me overcome grief is my need to focus on my business if I want to keep it going and continue to support all those who depend on me.  I'm grateful for this special business I gave birth to over 25 years ago.

How to Follow Through with a New Habit

Positive intentions are great and important – but sticking to a new habit can be a major challenge! Here are some tips that will make it easier to follow through.

Understand your current habits. Have you ever arrived home, not really remembering the drive there? That’s because the streets and landmarks acted as cues that prompted you to take action – turn here, go straight there. You’ve done it so many times you don’t really have to think about it. Habits are the same way. You remember to brush your teeth every day because you’re used to doing it first thing after your alarm goes off. Don’t try to fight your current routine – incorporate new habits as seamlessly as possible into your daily schedule. For example, if you want to start bringing your lunch to the office instead of buying it, because mornings are rushed for you, pack it the night before.

Trial period. Tell yourself you’re going to stick with it for a period of time – maybe a few weeks. At the end of that, you can decide whether you want keep the habit up for the long-term. It’s psychologically easier to get started if you know it doesn’t have to be forever. By the end of the trial period, the habit will probably start to feel like part of your routine.

Pep talks. Remember that adopting the new habit is ultimately a form of self-care. If you start resenting it, you might eventually abandon it. Congratulate yourself anytime you make progress – even if it’s only a tiny step forward. Remind yourself why you’re doing this in the first place.

Do it regularly. If your goal is to improve your diet, eat something healthy every day. This doesn’t mean that every meal has to be perfectly nutritious. And it doesn’t mean you need to give up any particular foods. Just add a salad or a green smoothie to your regular routine to begin. Start small – but keep with it.

-Sarah Cooke

How to Effectively Handle Anxiety Part 2

In Part 1 of my blog on anxiety, I introduced Barbara, a project manager who struggles with that emotion. She worries about deadlines and risks a great deal. How does Barbara successfully use her anxiety to assess her beliefs and practices to minimize the potential risks in managing her project?

First, Barbara asked herself, “Would I benefit from changing my beliefs about what is and is not a risk in this situation?” 

Barbara analyzed her “what ifs” to determine how valid her beliefs were about the risks involved and the probability of losing her credibility with her boss, as well as her self-respect. She calmed down when we realized that her team always comes through on the deadlines, even if it is in a flurry of last-minute activity.  However, she also saw that her credibility with her boss could be at risk should a missed deadline occur.

Then, Barbara considered her practices. To do this, she asked herself:  “Would I benefit from changing my practices for mitigating this risk?”

While she wrote in her journal, Barbara saw that she was not communicating as often as she might with her team members and her boss. She realized that she could put the energy she spent worrying into checking in with her team members about their priorities, any issues they anticipated interfering with the on-time completion of the project and encouraging them along the way. She could also update her boss more frequently and demonstrate that she was on top of things.

In the next and last blog about anxiety, I will discuss how considering priorities and place can strengthen your ability to use challenging emotions constructively. Stay tuned…

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Easy Ways to Use Fall Produce

We’re well into September and the grocery stores are being stocked with all that beautiful fall produce. Here are a few easy suggestions for cooking with autumn staples.

Butternut squash. One of the easiest ways to prepare it is to wrap it in aluminum foil and pop the whole thing in the oven at 410 degrees for about 50 minutes. Poke it with a fork and, if it’s soft, slice it in half and let it cool for a few minutes. Discard the seeds and scoop out the flesh. Puree it in a food processor. You can even do this the night before you plan to eat it and store the puree in the refrigerator. Mix in a little butter, a splash of milk, garlic powder and salt and it makes a great alternative to mashed potatoes. If you skip the butter, milk and seasonings and instead use nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger and allspice, you can use it in place of pureed pumpkin in pies and other baked goods.

Kale. All varieties of this green are amazing because they're so versatile. Massage it a little and it makes a great salad. It’s also easy to sauté. Drizzle a little olive oil in a pan and, once the pan is warm, dump in the chopped kale. Sauté on medium low and toss it every so often so it doesn’t burn, then add in shaved almonds, toasted pine nuts or dried cranberries. Kale is also an excellent addition to hearty, autumn soups. If you’re into green smoothies, it’s the perfect ingredient. Although they may look a little odd, green smoothies can be a delicious – and simple – way to get your daily fruits and veggies.

Sweet potatoes. Really, does it get any better than this? Of course, baked sweet potatoes are fantastic. And who doesn’t love a good sweet potato casserole? But they’re also incredible roasted. Peel them and cut them into chunks (this can be done over the weekend or while you’re on the phone or watching your favorite show). Then drizzle them with melted butter, honey or maple syrup and cinnamon and roast them for about 25 minutes at 375 degrees. You can also dice them and cook them stovetop – the bite-sized pieces are great in salads.

-Sarah Cooke

How to Effectively Handle Anxiety Part 1

Barbara often suffered with anxiety when managing projects. She found herself worrying about all the “what ifs” that might lead to disaster.  Although those things rarely happened, she couldn’t shake the anxiety that something could go wrong. Barbara lost sleep and felt on edge - and her efforts to control for possible trouble annoyed others around her.  This three-part blog will describe, step by step, how Barbara honored her feelings of anxiety and used them to become more effective in her project management role. In doing so, she fortified her commitment to resilience.

Adaptive Inquiry (AI) enables people to develop a strategy for successfully handling challenging emotions. Anxiety is the emotion that our subconscious sends up when we are at a loss to mitigate a risk.  Resilience is the capacity to adapt our behavior in harmony with our values in the face of adversity.  When we confront reality and acknowledge our dissatisfaction while maintaining our composure, we are more able to take decisive action. Anxiety usually reaches its height as we pretend everything is fine when it’s not.  Contrary to what we often hear, taking deep breaths and counting to 10 doesn't do the trick.  All relaxation does is change high arousal stress (panicking) to low-arousal stress (resignation, depression). Instead, it is most effective to work with your anxiety to understand your concerns about risks.

Let’s look at three steps that help define our anxiety using an adaptive interpretation, rather than a projective one.

Step 1: Look at the possible risks you are anticipating and ask yourself, “What risk am I at a loss to mitigate?”

Barbara’s situation involved a project that was not moving forward urgently enough. The team was letting other priorities interfere with their actions to move this one head. She asked herself, “Why do I feel anxious?” Barbara wrote in her journal that she didn’t feel effective in motivating her team members to care enough to make this project the top priority for them.

Step 2: Ask yourself, “ What is the 'what if’ scenario my subconscious is imagining?” For example: "What if I fail to deliver on time?" "What if a key employee resigns?" etc.

Barbara answered, “What if I fail to deliver this project on time?”

Step 3: Ask yourself, “What injury or loss would I be exposed to should this ‘what if’ occur?” For example, loss of status/respect/self-esteem/affiliation/belonging/trust, etc. We wouldn’t be anxious if we didn’t anticipate the potential of injury or loss (which would produce the emotion of fear).

Barbara answered, “I might lose credibility in the eyes of my boss if I were late. I might not be viewed as an effective project manager. I would also lose self-respect.”

By answering these questions, Barbara clarified the risks that were the basis for her anxieties. She noticed that her focus shifted from her team to her own effectiveness at mitigating the risks of potential loss of credibility and self-respect. With this analysis, Barbara set the foundation for examining her options for clarifying her beliefs, her options for practices, priorities, and place. We will look at these in my next blog posts. Stay tuned…

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Why You Need to Ask for What You Want

Do you find yourself in professional situations where you know what you want, but are not quite sure how to get it?  Do you often have trouble finding the courage or the right words to ask for it? Does the thought of asking for what you want give you varying degrees of panic?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you’re not alone. Lots of people have a hard time with this, including me. The good news is that it is entirely possible to overcome these thoughts and feelings and achieve your goal with a high degree of professionalism and integrity.

My first job out of college didn’t offer insurance until after a 90-day probation period. I was young and close to broke and decided I was going to ask for a sign-on bonus for how much the insurance would cost me for that period. I was shaking in my boots when I asked. Would they think I was too pushy? Would they rescind my offer? If they did, would I be relegated to a rice and beans diet for all time? All of that and more raced through my mind as I mentally prepared myself for hours to pull the trigger.

And after all that hand wringing, they said yes.

All too often, we are afraid to ask for what we truly want. And most of the time, all that fear and anxiety is just in our minds. Even if it’s not, there are ways to take control of the situation.

Here are some concepts to remember when thinking about asserting yourself:

The worst they can say is no. Seriously, that’s it. If you ask yourself the worst case scenario, I’d venture to guess that’s it. (This assumes your request is within reason from the work and efforts you’ve put in thus far.)

You are in the driver’s seat. If you don’t hear the answer you want, you’ve got options. You can ask for what it will take to achieve that and continue working toward the goal. You can work collaboratively with your team to make it happen. You can make moves or you can find a role that better suits you. It’s your choice.

Employers recognize that assertive employees are valuable in the long run. Want to know what employees who ask for those increased responsibilities, that promotion or a raise also do? They go the extra mile, securing a big time contract due to their tenacity. Or they save the company loads of money because they negotiate and they ask for it.

There are ways to ask that preserve your integrity.  A lot of times it’s not the content of your request, but how you ask. 

State what you want succinctly and clearly.


Stop and listen for acknowledgment. You want to make sure they’ve heard you loud and clear. This means no run-ons!


State your case for why you believe you’ve earned this.


Stop and listen for feedback.


If things don't go down as you wanted them to, ask for clarification and what milestones you’d need to achieve to ultimately attain what you want.


Stop and listen to the feedback.

Notice a pattern? It’s all about making it a conversation. No rambling. No monopolizing of the conversation because you’re nervous or just have to make that one last point. Make the other party feel they’re at the table with you and give them a chance to respond throughout.

-Jill Ozovek, Founder, Jill Ozovek Coaching
www.jillozovek.com