Helene Lerner's Blog, page 116

How to be Resilient During Any Challenge

Even in the face of challenging situations, there are things you CAN do to stay resilient.

What is that mysterious quality that allows some people to be poised under pressure while others of us are bobbing to keep our heads above water?  Here are three practices from psychologist and corporate resilience trainer Sharon Melnick that will help you focus and move forward:

Take control – or let it go. We often experience stress when we feel out of control. But we can be proactive. What aspects can you act on and what are those you can’t? Focus ALL your attention on where you can have an impact. Take 100% responsibility for that, and don’t expend energy on what you can’t change.

For example, my client had a boss who was a screamer. For months, he would yell at her in a meeting and she would be rattled for the rest of the day, wondering if she should leave the company. But I taught her a breathing technique to calm herself and not be hijacked by her boss’s negativity. She remained confident by understanding that his behavior was due to his limitations, not hers. She also began to frame her requests with his agenda in mind. Within a few weeks, she could leave meetings feeling positive and she was able to get a buy-in for her big idea.

Train yourself to stay steady. Do you want to stay cool-headed in the face of challenges? Your physical reaction to stress can make your emotions more intense. By learning to relax your body, you’re more likely to stay composed and collected.

Your nervous system has two parts to it, an “On” button that gives you energy so you can respond to perceived threats, and an “Off” button that brings calmness and rejuvenation. Though our bodies evolved to have a balance between the two, persistent stress means most of us are almost always switched "On." We are therefore only using the part of our nervous system that sets us up to worry. Make it easier for yourself. Try pressing the “Off” button with a one to three-minute deep breathing exercise that will instantly relax you so you can shift your perspective and see more possible solutions.

Don’t project the worst, project the best. No matter what challenge is in front of us, our knee-jerk reaction is to worry. But that only serves to drain our energy more. Why not visualize the solution? Here’s how:

Exercise: Imagine a time in the future when the challenge has been worked out. Put yourself in this scenario. Ask your ˜future self” what she would advise you to do right now. By realizing that there is a solution for every problem, you are more apt to find creative alternatives.

 

 

Why You Need to Stop Trying to Control People

It’s too easy to get distracted on our way to the top by people, places and things we can’t control. It’s a way that we sabotage ourselves.

We can get sidetracked by the needs of others, sudden seeming emergencies, and small irritations that take up mental space and interfere with our staying on the  strategic course we’ve set for ourselves.

Sometimes we think that only we have the power to handle a situation, help a friend or give the right advice.  We might think that not taking control in these situations is giving up our personal power. It’s hard to let go but the reality is the more we try to solve other people’s problems or push them to follow our advice, the less control we have and the less energy is left to take care of our own careers while other people who are not burdened with the need to “help” or who are able to stay on their path, pass us by.

That’s when we have to let go of people, places and things we can’t control.  By letting go, we hold on to our own goals and our own possibilities for success and moving forward.

Each of us has to decide whether our own success is important, whatever success means to each of us. We have to know on a deep level that our needs are so important that we don’t put other people’s needs ahead of them. This is the time to take action, and take control of our actions.  When we find ourselves wavering in our convictions, or doubting our worth or self-love, that’s the time to call on the people who love us and will keep us on track.  That’s the time to call on our personal crew that I wrote about last week.

-Simma Lieberman, "The Inclusionist"
Career Coach
www.simmalieberman.com

Hat Designer Lisa Shaub on Being an Entrepreneur & Mom

We interviewed Lisa Shaub, hat designer extrodinaire. Take a look at her new styles for Easter, the Kentucky Derby, and other spring celebrations. And hear her insights about starting a business and being a mom.

Video Editor--Alexa Payesko

Why You Need Supporters Who Champion Your Goals

Do you have a group of people that will listen to you, give you specific reasons they love you, and will tell you the truth when you ask?

Every woman needs a crew. A good crew is a group of people who:

Support you taking risks to achieve your dreams. They will never say, “What makes you think you can do that if no one else has?”  “Just do what everyone else does,”  or “Don’t take that risk.”

Prop you up when you feel like you will fall. They don’t tell you not to worry, or not to be afraid. They ask about your worries and your fears and help you find solutions. They help you prepare for success, and also assure you that if you fail, you can get up, learn from it, and be even more successful.

Hold you accountable for you’re your commitments, and don’t make excuses for you. They are willing to push you beyond what you think your limits are. Your crew will understand your feelings and then help you develop a new perspective.

In my last post, I talked about women using their power to leave environments that drag them down and serve as life obstacles.

We also have the power to seek people who cheer us on, help us solve problems, and maintain a perspective of possibilities. We can develop the habit of surrounding ourselves with people who are curious, excited about life, willing to have new experiences, and don’t feel threatened by other successful people. 

-Simma Lieberman, "The Inclusionist"
Career Coach
www.simmalieberman.com

When to Walk Away from a Toxic Job

This week I want to talk about power and how we exercise it. I’m often in workshops where women tell other women not to be afraid of their own power and to stop giving it away.

A power that many of us don’t exercise is the power to leave. For some reason many of us get in the habit of going to a job we don’t like, complaining about the people who work there, how the boss is taking advantage of us, or people are gossiping all the time. All of that may be true, but we don’t have to stay or engage with people who disrespect us and who try to sap our power and self-esteem. Sometimes we don’t know we’re entering a toxic environment until it seems like it’s too late.

But it’s not too late.  As hard as it may be to leave a job or situation we’re used to, we can start looking around for something better.  Don’t get comfortable with dysfunction or think that people belittling you or bullying you is normal.

Start looking for a change, and while you’re looking to move on, use your power to leave the room when you’re with people who seem toxic. Toxic people are like the flu, they keep spreading.  You don’t have to stand still and get infected.

Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you have the power to leave. Next time you start feeling like a victim, stop yourself and start a discussion about possible solutions. Ask your friends for support as you take action.

At any time in a conversation with someone who is disrespectful, you have the power to refuse to interact, or respond. Take control and don’t be afraid to say, “I’ve had enough, and I’m done until you change the way you behave toward me.”  

-Simma Lieberman, "The Inclusionist"
Career Coach
www.simmalieberman.com

Career Coach: Welcome to April

It's a new month, and that means a new career coach here on WomenWorking.com. Simma Lieberman, aka the Inclusionist, is here to answer your career questions. She will be contributing articles throughout the month of April. We'll let her introduce herself!

I’m Simma Lieberman, a consultant, speaker, and executive coach based in Berkeley, California. For the past twenty years, I’ve been helping organizations create inclusive work cultures where everyone can do their best work. I've helped women throughout the world develop strategies to leverage their talents and skills in order to be seen and heard the way they want to be at the office. This month, we’ll focus on ways you can take your place and space in your professional life — and get control of your career at last. To check out my new e-book, 110 Ways to Champion Diversity and Build Inclusion, and learn more about me, visit my website.

Intrigued? Check back tomorrow for Simma's first post. To ask a question or make a special topic request, send an email to administrator [at] womenworking [dot] com, or leave a comment here on the blog. Here's to another month of workplace wisdom. Welcome, Simma!

Our Community's Tips for Dealing with Rude People

We asked our Facebook community how they handle rude people. Here are some of their insights.

Minelle Mir: I don't. I simply smile and don't judge because I don't know what they are going through in their life. It's slightly more difficult but more compassionate.

Tricia Kasheta Kind: With a smile! I don't let negative people control me.

Maria Louisa Clifford: I'm extra polite. If they're being rude on purpose it infuriates them, and if they're not no one loses out. It's a win-win.

Heather Earley: Depends on the situation. If it's of a professional nature, I smile and carry on as usual. If it's someone I don't know in a conversation or a casual setting, it depends on my mood. I might ignore them or I might look at them with my "whatever" facial expression…Most times I smile and ignore it.

Jenn Bacchus: No one is worth the aggravation. Walk away with a smile and be proud of who you are!

Vanessa Bott: I will not be degraded by people with a low self image. I will just walk away.

Sharon L. Crawford: Situations are different just like people. If I can ignore I will, if not [I try to] just be as nice as I can and remember they may be having a horrible day...and that one act of kindness could help their thinking.

Tiana Thorpe: With understanding. Who knows how bad or good their story has been so far and it's not up to me to judge..Maybe I've been brought into their life to help guide them to a more positive one. No harm in trying.

Staci Rodriguez: Spread love, light, and compassion. Be the observer. Be kind.

Ann Strzelczyk: I just say, "Have a great day" and smile big, as I walk away.

Our Community's Best Advice Part 2

We asked our online community, "What is the best piece of advice you ever received?" Check out some of their thoughtful responses.

Video Editor--Alexa Payesko

The Grandson of Gandhi Speaks the Truth

I had the privilege last week of meeting Arun Gandhi, the grandson of Mahatma Gandhi. I asked him to write a piece for our blog about anger and violence. He shared a story about when he was younger and a lesson his grandfather taught him that is very powerful.

"When I was living with Grandfather I threw a three inch butt of a pencil [away] because I thought I deserved a better, longer pencil to work with. Instead of giving me a new pencil my grandfather made me go out and search for the one I discarded. It took me about two hours to find it and then he taught me two lessons:

First, that even in the making of little things like a pencil we use the world's scarce natural resources and when we waste them we are committing violence against nature.

Second, rich people and rich nations over consume the resources of the world, depriving others of these resources who then have to live in poverty--that is violence against humanity.

To make me understand this lesson properly, he made me build a genealogical tree of violence, with Physical Violence and Passive Violence as the two branches.  Each day I had to examine and analyze everything I had experienced during the day--things that I may have done or experienced--seen or read about. Then I had to place them in the appropriate places on the tree.

Physical violence was easy to define--they are all the acts of violence in which physical force is used. Murders, rapes, wars, killings etc., to name a few. 

Passive violence was more difficult largely because this is the kind of violence no one is aware of. Wasting resources or food, discrimination, oppression, greed and the thousands of things that we do every day which hurt people some where. 

The one question I had to ask myself was: If the action I am contemplating was done to me would I feel happy or would it hurt me? If I concluded that it would hurt then that was passive violence. 

Within a few months I filled a whole wall in my room with acts of passive violence. Then Grandfather explained the connection between the two. The Passive Violence that we individually and as a society commit causes anger in the victim. And the victim then resorts to physical violence to either get justice or get by force what he or she is denied legitimately. 

What this introspective exercise revealed to me was that we are in the throes of a deep-rooted culture of violence that brings out the worst in humanity. This culture of violence has affected our speech, sports, entertainment, education, religion, science, in fact every aspect of our lives.  It is a cancer that is destroying our humanity from within."

Arun recently wrote a children's book called Grandfather Gandhi.

How to Use Creativity to Get What You Want

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Many of us become complacent and get stuck doing the same things, not challenging ourselves to grow. If our lives seem stale, it’s because we haven’t taken some risks. By using our creativity, we can envision our next steps.

For example, one woman I know received a promotion at work. She says, “I was comfortable with my old job as a secretary for our account management group. I was making good money, so there was really no need to change. But I was bored.” She began thinking about what she could do for her company that would have a special impact and shared some of her ideas with the team leader. “When one of the managers left, an opening became available. I decided to apply for it, and to my amazement, I got it. I feel anxious about whether I can handle the position, but as a friend reminded me, what I don’t know, I can learn.

Excerpt from In Her Power: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self, by Helene Lerner. Beyond Words/Atria Paperback, 2012.