Evil Editor's Blog, page 131

Feedback Request

A revision of the opening featured in New Beginning 1006 is now posted in the comments there, awaiting your feedback.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Dracula Chron- icles: The Dragon Awakes

1. Dracula's late-night heavy toga-partying with his werewolf buds pisses off a neighborhood dragon, causing a flame war.

2. Another in the cross-genre series in which the author seeks to reinvigorate the moribund fantasy novel, following her widely-acclaimed "Frankenstein and the Philosopher's Stone," "Zombies of the Round Table" and "The Lion, the Witch and the Weredingo."

3. Dracula was on vacation, working on his memoirs in Newark, the least likely place to have a sleeping dragon. But there was a dragon, under the old Peoples' Express terminal and it smelled Dracula's aura. Was Newark ready for total war between Dracula and Dragonia? Would they even notice?

4. It has vampires, it has dragons. As long as both are on the cover, it doesn't need a plot, because every fantasy/paranormal fanboi will buy it anyway. Now if only we could fit werewolves in there somewhere...

5. Dracula gives the fang to a dragon, creating a new creature that drinks blood and throws away the meat, quadrupling the dragon's harvesting of humans. Thanks a bunch, Dracula.

6. The wind brings glad tidings--a child is born unto a minor prince in the little town of Wallachia. And he shall be named Vlad. And he shall be a good man. Then a dragon shall awake and ruin everything. Also, a vampire.



Original Version

Dear Evil:

I've recently completed a 90,000 word novel of supernatural suspense that focuses on the early life of Vlad Dracula. [Just the first 400 years.]

[Dracula: The Early Years, outline

I. Dracula breast-feeding

   Mrs. Dracula: Hey, you little bastard, just suck it!

II. Dracula in kindergarten

   Teacher: Okay, which one of you drained Maria's blood?

III. Dracula in ninth grade

     Principal: Okay, which one of you drained Mrs. Wallenstein's blood?]

In this richly drawn portrait of the infamous vampire, The Dracula Chronicles: The Dragon Awakes tells the story of an extraordinary man with the power to change the face of Europe forever. [By making it very pale.]

The story begins in 1431, high in the Carpathian Mountains. A Black Dragon sleeps, as he has done for a hundred years, sated on the blood and pain of the Crusades. Then the winds bring Black Radul tidings of a child – the son of a minor prince in the insignificant country of Wallachia, which borders the Black Sea. Vlad has the power to cast Europe back into another Dark Age, and postpone the Renaissance for centuries. Radul's goal is to tie the boy to him before the other Great Dragons of Europe can manipulate him for their own purposes. [When a gigantic lizard wakes up after a hundred years, I suspect his only immediate goal would involve pigging out on a couple dozen maidens.]
When Vlad is singled out for induction into the [Vampire Hall of Fame, aka the] Holy Roman Emperor's powerful and secretive Order of the Dragon, the ceremony gives him strange new powers [like the ability to change into a bat and . . . actually, that's about it.]  . . . and binds him to Radul, the Black Dragon of the Carpathians, in an unholy servitude that Vlad can neither accept nor escape.

This sumptuous tale travels from the debauched and glittering Nuremburg court of Sigismund, the Holy Roman Emperor, to Adrianople, and the hashish-soaked harem of Murad II, the Grand Sultan of the Ottoman Turks.

The Dracula Chronicles: The Dragon Awakes combines the actual events of the life of Prince Vlad Dragula [That's what Dracula goes by when he wears his pink lace cape.] with the myth of Dracula, to tell the tale of an exceptional man at the center of a whirlwind of magic and evil, seeking to insure that the world remains in the hands of the mortals it was created for, no matter what the price. [Wait a minute, Dracula's the good guy?]

Please let me know if there is anything further I can do to facilitate your consideration. Sample chapters and the full manuscript are available at your request.

Sincerely,


Notes

It wasn't clear to me whether Radul wanted to use Vlad to postpone the Renaissance or wanted to prevent other Great Dragons from using him to postpone the Renaissance. What are the various dragons' motivations? It must be made clear what Radul wants with Dracula.

Better to let the editor discover that your story is richly drawn and sumptuous than to declare it so yourself.

This reminds me of other books based on the actual events of Dracula's life. Except it has dragons.

Anne Rice wrote The Vampire Chronicles. Unless you're Anne Rice, you might consider a new title.

Charter Members of the Vampire Hall of Fame: Dracula, Angel, Count Duckula, Lestat, The Count, Armand, Count Chocula.


Selected Comments


Chro said...Dracula in 12th grade:

He goes to his senior prom with a monster of a pimple right on his nose, oblivious to its presence because he can't see it in a mirror. The relentless teasing that ensues drives him toward becoming the epitome of evil.


Dave F. said..."binds him to Radul, the Black Dragon of the Carpathians, in an unholy servitude." I had a girlfriend once who bound me in unholy servitude. Aside from the black leather harness, I doubt this is the same thing.


Sarah said...I played with this a bit. I don't like the run-on last paragraph, but there's a suggestion or two in this:
The Dracula Chronicles: The Dragon Awakes, a 90,000 word supernatural suspense novel on the early life of Vlad Dracula, tells the story of an extraordinary man with the power to change the face of Europe forever.

In 1431, high in the Carpathian Mountains, a Black Dragon sleeps, as he has done for a hundred years, sated on the blood and pain of the Crusades. Then the winds bring Black Radul tidings of a child – the son of a minor prince in the insignificant country of Wallachia, which borders the Black Sea. Vlad has the power to cast Europe back into another Dark Age, and postpone the Renaissance for centuries. Radul's goal is to tie the boy to him before the other Great Dragons of Europe can manipulate him for their own purposes.

When Vlad is singled out for induction into the Holy Roman Emperor's powerful and secretive Order of the Dragon, the ceremony gives him strange new powers . . . and binds him to Radul, the Black Dragon of the Carpathians, in an unholy servitude that Vlad can neither accept nor escape.

From the debauched and glittering Nuremburg court of Sigismund, the Holy Roman Emperor, to Adrianople, and the hashish-soaked harem of Murad II, the Grand Sultan of the Ottoman Turks, The Dracula Chronicles: The Dragon Awakes combines the actual events of the life of Prince Vlad Dragula with the myth of Dracula to tell the tale of an exceptional man at the center of a whirlwind of magic and evil, seeking to insure that the world remains in the hands of the mortals it was created for, no matter what the price.


deb hoag said...Oh, yes, Dragula is the good guy here. It all started as a conversation about sympathetic bad guys. And Sarah, thanks! You have many good suggestions.
Historical note: Dragula is actually a closer rendition of Vlad's name than Dracula. I totally blew the Vampire Chronicles thing, i'd forgotten all about that. And i'm still laughing too hard about Vlad's mother and her nursing trauma to say anything else sensible at the moment. I wonder what the La LEche League would say. Remember, suck, don't bite.

I love you guys!


Phoenix said...The title of the book makes me think you plan a series out of this. Good that you don't explicitly state that, but then, since we know from history that Vlad didn't get the Impaler moniker for naught, nor go from the Dragula to the Dracula name because he was a nice guy, some indication of where the ending of this book winds up in his life might be in order.

"The story begins" is OK for a synopsis that has a lead-in hook or some characterization prefacing the synopsis part, but doesn't work well for a hook. Just use "In 1431..."

Your setup for Radul really doesn't leave me with a good sense of who or what his purpose is. Does "the wind" really bing him the tidings? Already I'm not feeling so much grounded in history as taking a flight of fantasy, and I think you want to keep this focused on the historical, don't you? And "the son of a minor prince in the insignificant country of Wallachia, which borders the Black Sea" doesn't really contribute much except to take up real estate. Get to the story.

Others have pointed out the MC shift from Radul to Vlad. Whose story is this? If Vlad's, then try focusing the query on him, starting with his induction into the Order of the Dragons as a naif who only gradually learns that he's the Dragons' pawn.

Since the reader knows the monster this man will become, we need to be given a sympathetic portrait of a man who is changed by circumstance rather than his innate nature. And the query needs to assure the reader that, as others have pointed out, there is indeed a protagonist worthy of our attention linked to this debauchery of a life. As it stands here, as EE points out, there isn't any real inciting events or characterizations that set it apart from other stories about dear old Vlad.


Mignon said...I'm trying to figure out if soaking in hashish is a beauty treatment or some sort of aphrodisiac for women. Just wondering.

pinhead said...I have mixed feelings about The Count being a charter member. Sure, he created a niche all his own and is terribly memorable, a true pioneer vampire, but he counted slower than a scared child on the high dive. One........ two....... three....... kinda got annoying, even to a kid who loved the old lug.


Dave F. said...WELL! We really sucked the bloody life out of that query!

Author said...

Dear Evil:

I've recently completed a 90,000 word novel of supernatural suspense, entitled Revealing Dragula. When a melancholy Dragula asks an eager young psychiatrist for help, they both get more than they had bargained for. Especially the doctor, young Sigmund Freud, newly arrived to study with the great Jean Martin Charcot, at the Hospital Salpetriere in Paris.

Freud does not believe Dragula's story, but he agrees to undertake the madman's analysis in the hopes that the new “talking cure” can dispel Vlad's grief and undo his obvious delusions. Under the influence of mesmerism, Dragula reveals to Freud that as a mortal he was a member of the powerful and clandestine Order of the Dragon, inducted in a ceremony that gave him strange new powers and opened his eyes to forces beyond the imaginings of mere mortals.

Vlad had learned the secret of the Order of the Dragon – real dragons walk the earth still, and it is they who truly rule the world, using mortal kings as pawns. Vlad stood at a turning point in human history; crucial choices he made could bring on the absolute rule of the Ottoman Empire, virtually eliminate Christianity in Europe, or help the Order fend off the invaders and throw Europe back into a new dark age. Vlad did not find either alternative acceptable.

Looking for a way to elude both futures, Vlad traveled from the emperor's debauched and glittering court in Nuremburg to Turkish Adrianople, where he was held hostage by the grand sultan of the Ottomans. There he learns of the powerful Jinn, and begins to see the possibility of a third choice – if he has the will and the nerve.

Freud, at first concerned solely about how to help his new patient shed his odd delusions, soon comes to realize that Vlad Dragula stands at the center of a whirlwind of magic and evil, seeking to insure that the world remains in mortal hands, no matter what the price. And in order to accomplish that, he's going to need Freud's help.

I hope you enjoy the enclosed sample chapter of Revealing Dragula. The full manuscript is available at your request.

Sincerely,


Sarah said...It's better. It flows better though the mix of tenses is throwing me. It looks like there are three choices and not two to begin with, so that needs to be cleaned up a little.

Here's my take on it:

When a melancholy Vlad Dragula asks a young Sigmund Freud for help, they both get more than they bargain for. Freud, newly arrived to study with the great Jean Martin Charcot at the Hospital Salpetriere in Paris, does not believe Vlad's story. He agrees to undertake the madman's analysis in the hopes that the new “talking cure” can dispel Vlad's grief and undo his obvious delusions.

Under the influence of mesmerism, Vlad reveals that he was a member of the powerful and clandestine Order of the Dragon, whose secret is that real dragons walk the earth, and it is they who truly rule the world, using mortal kings as pawns. Vlad was inducted in a ceremony that gave him strange new powers and opened his eyes to forces beyond the imaginings of mere mortals. He stands at a turning point in human history. He can bring on the absolute rule of the Ottoman Empire and virtually eliminate Christianity in Europe, or help the Order fend off the invaders and throw Europe back into a new dark age.

Vlad, who found neither alternative acceptable, traveled from the emperor's debauched and glittering court in Nuremburg to Turkish Adrianople, where he was held hostage by the grand sultan of the Ottomans. There he learned of the powerful Jinn, and began to see the possibility of a third choice – if he has the will and the nerve.

Freud, at first concerned solely about how to help his new patient shed his odd delusions, soon comes to realize that Vlad Dragula stands at the center of a whirlwind of magic and evil, seeking to insure that the world remains in mortal hands, no matter what the price. And in order to accomplish that, he's going to need Freud's help.

Revealing Dragula is a 90,000 word novel of supernatural suspense. I hope you enjoy the enclosed sample chapter. The full manuscript is available at your request.


Liosis said...This whole story is a flash back? I always find that disapointing.

"He can bring on the absolute rule of the Ottoman Empire and virtually eliminate Christianity in Europe, or help the Order fend off the invaders and throw Europe back into a new dark age. "

I'm glad you've fixed it to 'dark age' here. Since a dark age is a time of fighting, where as dark ages=middle ages= me ranting at you about how the 9th and 12th century renaissances were far more potent then the silly latin murderers of the 15th century.

"soon comes to realize that Vlad Dragula stands at the center of a whirlwind of magic and evil, seeking to insure that the world remains in mortal hands, no matter what the price. And in order to accomplish that, he's going to need Freud's help."

Is your novel about Dracula and Freud protecting the modern world from evil or is it about Vlad on the cusp of the 15th century? I assumed it was the first, but I suppose it could be the second and now I'm confused.


It is much tighter but it still seems to be more detail then you need to work anyone.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Calam-
ity: This is How the World Ends

1. The year is 2036 and President Paris Hilton faces a dilemma: deal with pesky North Korea or make an appearance at the MTV Music Video Awards.

2. A giant squid wakes from its million year slumber cranky and hungry. Can Stouffer avert disaster and transform this calamity into calamari before its too late?

3. A valley girl learns her father isn't rich, and she must get a job. The only job she qualifies for is cosmetic salesgirl at the mall's biggest department store. Her world ends when her friends discover her fall from snobbery.

4. The noise is deafening, from machines gone haywire to dogs yapping through the night. Vince decides to end it all with a toothbrush and some lamp oil, MacGyver-style.

5. The large-scale consequences of any potential natural disaster are compared with more localized hazards such as dying in a car wreck, through a single number: the Calamity Quotient.

6. On Zignoid Elevtwo, a band of runaway emus spark a debate that leads to conflagration and galactic catastrophe.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil:

A supervolcano explodes setting off a millennium of severe cold. Soon humanity is starving and dying en masse [They all said the cockroaches would be the one species that survived; turns out it's the penguins.] until only one small band of forty people is left. The fate of our species depends on their survival.  [Tell me the 40 people left alive aren't the Oakland Raiders.]

Fiction? No. As CALAMITY: THIS IS HOW THE WORLD ENDS explains, the exceptionally limited genetic diversity of Homo sapiens along with other evidence tells us such a disaster happened in the recent past. [Not to argue a minor point of semantics, but to you the recent past is a million years ago; to me, it's Thursday.] A single group of individuals did survive, and we are all their descendents. [This confirms what Evil Editor has long suspected: that he's related to Einstein, Springsteen, and Clooney.]

This is just one of the little-known devastations my 75,000-word popular science book recounts. All chapters except the first open with 1000-word short stories depicting real events [Real fictional events, that is.] to more effectively convey important concepts and facts. My book also introduces the Calamity Quotient or CQ, a number derived from a simple equation that allows the large-scale consequences of any potential disaster to be compared with more localized hazards such as dying in a car wreck. [For instance, to determine how many people would die if a tsunami struck North Dakota, multiply the number of people who die in skydiving accidents by the CQ, which in this case would be 417, and there's your answer.] [The CQ, not to be confused with the GQ, a number that allows any potential wardrobe malfunction to be compared with such disasters as wearing a plaid tie with a striped shirt.] Calamity is the first book about natural disasters in thirty years to combine authoritative scholarship with a captivating easy-to-read style. [Plus, it has the CQ.] Unlike the speculation and hyperbole common in competing titles, [I'm more concerned with the hyperbole common in your previous sentence.] I include only natural calamities known to have occurred in the past. [As the CQ is used to compare "potential disasters" to something, it would seem you also include disasters that could occur in the future.]

In addition to the millions of adults who are increasingly apprehensive about natural disasters according to recent polling, I suggest marketing Calamity to the three million students taking earth science and beginning geology each year through direct mailings to their instructors. [If there are three million students, I'd hate to be the one charged with gathering the mailing addresses of all their instructors.]

I am an internationally known PhD geologist [I found this most impressive, until I realized that I'm an internationally known blogger.] with more than forty published professional articles. I have presented at international conferences and chaired conference sessions. I also enjoy teaching science to non-specialists and have led seminars and workshops for high school teachers, spoken to civic groups and was featured on a statewide TV program discussing geologic catastrophes. Well received, the program was repeated several times. I have long been interested in the numerous world-shaking calamities that have occurred during the Earth’s long history and have gathered a trove of information to use in writing this book. [Not sure "trove" is the best word there. "Oodles" is closer, but probably not the tone you're looking for. "Abundance?"] I also write fiction. The literary magazine Lynx Eye published one of my stories and the electronic magazine Nth Degree another. My first novel is available as an ebook and my second is being revised.

Thank you for your consideration. I have enclosed a mini proposal. A complete proposal including two 9,000-word sample chapters is available upon request.

Best regards,


Notes

I'd drop the CQ from the query. You haven't made it clear what good it is.

Declaring as fact that a volcano once left forty humans alive seems awfully specific, and had me thinking, Yeah, right. If there's hard evidence of this, maybe your credits (which were the best part) should come first; people are more likely to think you know what you're talking about. With the forty humans and the CQ up front, they'll think you're a mad scientist.

Choose a "for example" disaster and elaborate on it, while leaving out the hyperbole, the marketing plan, and the CQ, and you might have something. People do like to read about other people dying.


Selected Comments

Heidi Frost said...

Okay, while "in the recent past" makes much, MUCH more sense after knowing the author is a geologist (because, yeah, geologically anything involving humans or even mammals could qualify as the recent past), I still don't buy that 40 humans is large enough of a gene pool to continue the species.

As an SFF reader and a student with at least a passing knowledge of evolution, I'm fairly certain you would need at least 500 separate genetic samples to continue a species. I would buy that 40 people could successfully (meaning few genetic disorders and inbreeding problems) for a few generations, but that gene pool would be too limited to continue for several hundred years.

I would very much like to see evidence that past geological disasters ever reduced the human species to such a size. Or even evidence that a modern, extant mammalian species was reduced to a number on the order of 10 or 100 and then continued to today. I'm going to go look up gene pool sizes and breeding stability now...


Heidi Frost said...I should have looked this up before commenting, but I'll share it anyway. Or you can delete this comment. :)

I'm guessing this author's work is based on a similar event to the Toba catastrophe theory, which involved an Indonesian volcano. But in that theory, the hominid (not human - human predecessors) population size was believed to be reduced to 1000 - 10,000.

A geologist should understand the order of magnitude difference between 40 and 1000. That's two orders of magnitude. To put in geologic terms, that's the difference between Mt. Everest and Olympus Mons. Or the difference between Mt. Everest and Atlanta, GA.

I can suspend my disbelief with the best of them, but as a reader you can't ask me to suspend my disbelief when you're presenting me with hard science, or even theoretical science. I'll suspend my disbelief on the Toba catastrophe theory, but I can't suspend it over two orders of magnitude when I'm being presented with a lot of very possible science.

I would fact-check with a geneticist, or an evolutionary biologist, or even someone who's studied animal husbandry or endengered species.

Either that or you could just market it as science fiction. I mean look what the Da Vinci Code did with a lot of slightly-fictionalized but real historical research. There is a market for hard SF.


Rei said...Heidi:

Perhaps before you pretend to know more than a Ph.D geologist, you should take the time to learn as much as a Ph.D geologist. You listing your qualifications as a "SFF reader" and describing what you "think" would happen is simply embarassing. Don't act high and mighty about a subject that you don't understand (and apparently hadn't even heard about until this evening).

Species *do* come back from just a few individuals. Whooping crane: 54. Big bend gambusia: 3. Red wolf: 17. Florida Panther: 30-50. Mississippi Sandhill Crane: 40. Black-Footed Ferret: 18. American Burying Beetle: 1 population. Southwestern Grey Wolf: 22. Wood Stork: 29. How many do you want? I can easily keep going and fill up page after page.

Some of these have only had their populations triple or so. Others, like the gambusia, have gone from 3 to 50,000. A lack of genetic diversity does *not* mean that a species is doomed. It's not a good thing, but it's not a death knell, either. Countless species reproduce by clones (esp. plants), and some species have very little genetic diversity as a consequence. Some animals don't even have sexual reproduction, such as the Whiptail Lizard (it's parthenogenic -- only females).

As for the number 40 in reference to human populations: just a quick search *beyond* Wikipedia (which seems to be about all that you looked at) reveals that Harpending H.C. et al, 1993 estimated 40-600 females.


Heidi Frost said...... and this is why I should never assume my tone comes across in text. *sigh*

rei -

I was not acting all high and mighty, nor was I trying to say you were just plain wrong. I should probably take this discussion to email, because I left a lot of this out of my previous comments for brevity. My comments were already kinda long.

As someone in your target audience, I would find the facts as I have thus far been presented them hard to swallow. Thank you for the examples of species that came back from small populations. Those would help me suspend my disbelief more.

However. The size of the population is not my only problem with this. Congenital health problems are. Inbreeding doesn't always produce bad results. This happens with horses, cats, and dogs all the time. To get a certain trait, they're practically inbred and you end up with low genetic diversity. Occasionally, you get good results. Most of the time, you don't. Great Danes are the best example. Can they survive? Yes. Would they survive in the wild? Probably not. They have a high incidence of poor eyesight, arthritis (at a very young age), and diabetes, among other things.

So, if you had a modern human population of 40, where are they coming from? What was their standard of health care? Do any of them have any predisposition to diabetes, heart problems, that sort of thing? If they're Americans, that's highly likely. Even if it's only one of them, those traits are going to be emphasized and debilitating over several generations.

From a genetic point of view, humans are not streamlined. We haven't been subject to true survivial of the fittest evolution for decades, not in the "developed" world anyway. That's the double-edged sword of heathcare. Take that healthcare away... you need those 40 individuals to be quite healthy. And that's another area you would have to suspend my disbelief on, and I'm not sure I would.

Oh, sorry for the length of this, and sorry if my tone comes across as mean or contrary or holier than thou or whatever else you could read into this. I'm trying to explain why, as a reader in your target audience, I would have problems.


Anonymous said...Actually, cheetahs are so genetically similar that you can graft skin from one animal to another without any rejection. They exist in the wild, and have for many years. My understanding of zoological thinking is that the species went through a very narrow bottleneck (probably in the range of
Also, many island species are naturally few in number, so there's no way to maintain massive genetic diversity.

Yes, inbreeding is a bad thing in the short term. But when you're talking 40,000 years, as long as the survival rate exceeds the death rate, your species will survive.

 
msjones said...At the risk of having this thread run completely off the tracks, let me just add that remnant populations of endangered species are only on their way back with a lot of human intervention and resources. Recovery of the Snake River sockeye salmon is costing millions of dollars annually and is probably hundreds of years off (that's optimistically supposing that the recovery efforts work). The flip side of that is it's ridiculously easy to off an entire species - the passenger pigeon being a prime example. It went from billions to none in just 300 years, courtesy of the Euro-Americans who hunted it to death.

As for the query - I thought the book concept is wonderful, the query not-so-much. I agree that the CQ is distracting and not a good selling point.

I’d rewrite the whole thing. Here’s a tongue-in-cheek version:

Fireballs from the sky, molten rock spewing from the ground, giant waves from the sea – yes, it would mean the end of life as we know it. One volcanic eruption could bring on a thousand years of extreme cold. Human suffering would last only a short while, as most of the world’s population would die of starvation within weeks. The miserable few who survive would have to do so without cars, computers, or cappuccinos. The future of our species would rest on this tiny, deprived population.

My 75,000 word popular science book deals with the very real potential for natural disasters that could lead to human extinction. Each chapter begins with a short description of real events, and goes on to show how very likely it is that a similar scenario may someday pave the way for cockroaches to take over the earth. Kafkaesque in its menacing complexity and solidly grounded in science, this book is the first in more than 30 years to address natural disasters in a way that makes them interesting. Also: a calamity quotient.

The target audience is anyone who thinks that humans are the be-all and end-all of evolution, and would be particularly suited to high-school students. My creds, etc.


Anonymous said...This letter needs to make it clear whether these 40 survivors can be interpreted as supporting the Noah's Ark story. Also, the writer's credentials seem sketchy. There are quack publications and seminars and there are respectable ones. Just saying you've been published (and self-publsihed as an e-author) isn't all that impressive. How will the editor know the author isn't a quack?


bonniers said...

I want to read this book.

The subject is fascinating and the author seems to be able to write. I'm willing to postpone my questions about whether a population can survive when it's down that small until I read the book and see what case the author makes.


Rei said...Heidi:

I'm not the author. I'm just defending the author.

Great Danes are the best example. Can they survive? Yes. Would they survive in the wild? Probably not.

That's a horrible analogy. Most domesticated animals wouldn't survive in the wild. Early hominids were not domesticated species.

[quote]Thank you for the examples of species that came back from small populations. Those would help me suspend my disbelief more.[/quote]

There are literally thousands of species that have come back from catastrophe in modern times (where we can document it).

Even if it's only one of them, those traits are going to be emphasized and debilitating over several generations.

If there's no major threat to your niche, you're going to survive unless your population is limited too heavily by recessive lethal alleles. A population of 40 is very unlikely to have that problem. Humans could all be born with one leg, live to the age of 25, be blind in one eye, and only know how to quack, but if there was no threat to their expansion, they would expand and refill their niche.

There are species all over the world whose main limiting factor is (or was historically) each other. Many species have significantly debilitating features -- for example, the tail of a bird of paradise. Why would they evolve something like that? Because natural selection was not a dominant factor in their reproduction. Instead, in their niche, they were mostly limited by sexual selection -- each other.

750,000 years ago, populations were decimated by Toba. Furthermore, 750,000 years ago, we were no longer a prey species. H. antecessor hunted deer, elephants, rhinos, horses, and possibly even lions, mammoths, and other large species.

All of the sudden, thanks to Toba, the niche occupied by humans was almost completely wiped out. When the environment recovered, there were a tremendous amount of resources available to humanity that were unoccupied by humans. It was a boon for survivors. We see the same sort of thing in Europe after the biggest run of bubonic plague. With the major decline in population, those who survived inherited vast wealth, land, etc. In a way, the plague was a major, early step in the breakdown the feudal system and start of the rise of the middle class.

msjones:

let me just add that remnant populations of endangered species are only on their way back with a lot of human intervention and resources.

Some famously took intricate breeding programs. Most, however, simply required undoing the damage that we humans had done to their habitats. The gambusia, for example, was almost wiped out because someone dammed up the water running into Boquillas spring to make themselves a fishing pool.

In the case of Toba, the damage that caused the decline of human populations gets undone on its own simply by the passage of time.


Heidi Frost said... Rei: I'm not the author. I'm just defending the author.

Whatever you say. :)

That's a horrible analogy. Most domesticated animals wouldn't survive in the wild. Early hominids were not domesticated species

Yeah, early hominids weren't, but are you honestly arguing that modern humans aren't domesticated? Stick 40 modern people (again, assuming they're from "developed" countries) into a post-apocalpytic world and I don't believe for a second they could figure out how to feed themselves in such a competitive market as mass die-offs and changing global temperatures, and at the same time be successfully reproductive.

Modern humans are essentially domesticated animals. We benefit from healthcare and social structures and systems that require the support of a large population. How does that not change after an apocalyptic event? Sticking 40 modern humans into a post-apocalyptic world is the same thing as turning a bunch of Great Danes out in the wild.

If there's no major threat to your niche, you're going to survive unless your population is limited too heavily by recessive lethal alleles. A population of 40 is very unlikely to have that problem.

Do you mean "survive" as in not die prematurely, or do you mean "survive" as in species survival? In a group as small as 40, it needs to be a panmixia. Every male needs to mate with every female, and hopefully most of those would produce viable offspring. Again, can you see modern humans in a post-apocalyptic survival scenario actually suspending social stigmas against promiscuity?

All of the sudden, thanks to Toba, the niche occupied by humans was almost completely wiped out.

The niche occupied by hominid ancestors of humans. Not modern humans. The search for food was not new to them after Toba.


acd said...heidi, have you ever read Day of the Triffids? It's postapocalyptic in a way, and the humans that remain normal split off into a lot of different sects with different philosophies about how to rebuild; they try out a socialist commune, feudalism, and one of them basically says that yes, we're going to need promiscuity for the human race to continue. You might have picked it up, being a SFF fan, but if not you'd probably enjoy it.


iago said...Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything was a pretty successful book thanks to the author's light and engaging touch with, and evident enthusiasm for, the subject matter.

Feels like Calamity could play in the same sandbox, though it doesn't have the Bryson name to carry it. If the short stories are engaging and the factual/speculative narrative entertaining, there is a market for popular science.

However, also feels like a challenge to have both short fictions that are compelling and sufficiently crafted and equally crafted and engaging non-fiction essays without the book suffering from being (genetically) neither fish nor fowl.

Good luck to the author if he's up to it and can make it work.


GutterBall said...I would probably pick up the book, but not because of the query itself. It's a little on the lengthy side.

Nope, I'm just a sick puppy who really likes reading about the end of the world and the few poor schmoes who survive. I've read The Stand like ten times.

Plus, with the possibility of this being "scientifically backed", if not exactly non-fiction, I'm just that much more interested.

But that is a really, really long query letter.


pacatrue said...Wow, who knew that this would be the controversial query!

Anyway, whenever the author rewrites, I'd say go ahead and mention a couple of the refereed journals you've been published in so that no one has to wonder. You might leave it blank here to be anonymous, but you can be more specific, I would hazard, in the real thing. "40 journals such as Nature, Science, and International Geological Estimation Quarterly."

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Tech-
nical Virgins

1. Brad was too busy training to be a surgeon to think about romance. But now that he's found Lori, everything's changed. Now he wants to be a chef.

2. A snatched-from-the-headlines tale that examines the reasons Bob, like all Microsoft technicians, remains unmarried and a virgin at the age of 35.

3. Vestal Electronics has posted record lows this quarter. Can a new battery-powered device bring prosperity to the company?

4. Marcy had never even seen a capacitor before the earthquake. Now she and her sister Emmaline must fix the communications systems of Little Pooble on Hemp before another temblor sends the village hurtling into a newly-formed volcano.

5. The girls at Miss Fipps's School for Young Ladies have a gift for geek - and they're forming their own corporation. The boys at Wooster Academy can't wait for the IPO.

6. Shy sociologist John Blake is hired by Stanford University to tutor two sexy unfrozen cave women on the modern world. Hilarity ensues.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking representation for my completed 90,000-word romance novel, Technical Virgins.

[He: Are you a virgin?
She: Well, not technically.

She: Are you a virgin?
He: Technically? Yes.]

Similar in style and humor to the work of Sandra Hill or Jennifer Crusie, [Is that according to you, according to your friends, or according to Sandra Hill and Jennifer Crusie?] Technical Virgins concerns two surgeons-in-training who have been too busy/distracted/emotionally whacked to have a normal romantic life – but that is about to change.

Brad Berkowitz may be an artist in the kitchen, but his work as a surgical intern is less than stellar. [Whaddaya mean I can't use a meat cleaver?] Lori Ketchum, a year ahead of Brad in the program, knows Brad won’t be allowed to pass to the next phase of residency if he doesn’t shape up fast. She wants to help Brad improve his surgical skills in time to save his career, but it isn’t easy with eighty-hour work-weeks [, the scarcity of people willing to let him practice on them,] and the well-intentioned meddling of family and friends. [I was going to make a crack about the idiocy of working 80 hours a week until I realized I'm spending 80 hours a week on this blog.] That Brad seems to care far more about cooking her the perfect meal than succeeding as a doctor doesn’t help either, [And his patients aren't exactly crazy about it.] nor does the fact that when they are together, career is the last thing on their minds.

I am uniquely qualified to write this story, as I

--am a surgeon who trained at a busy community hospital, just like my protagonists, [Has anyone else noticed that people who are trained as surgeons try their hand at writing far more often than people trained as writers try their hands at surgery? Why is that?] [I mean, I've watched enough episodes of House to be able to do a tracheotomy or minor brain surgery, yet I've never done so.]

--share many of my hero’s obsessions and interests, kinky and otherwise,

--was a virgin for longer than I care to admit.

[Those aren't the qualifications of a novelist; they're the qualifications of a serial killer.]

This is my first novel, but I have several e-zine and print-zine publications to my credit. I would be delighted to forward sample chapters or a synopsis, at your request.

Best,


Notes

Lori will never be happy with this underachieving loser, I don't care if he can make a decent soufflé. Brad should be drummed out of med school before he kills someone. Lori should dump him and marry a writer and support his artistic endeavors. Now there's a novel people would read.

I would drop the Crusie/Hill bit and the last two "qualifications," and use the space to explain why Lori wants to help Brad (besides his hunky bod), and maybe what their meddling friends and relatives are doing.


Selected Comments

xiqay said...I didn't like your plot as described in your query. I didn't like Brad. A man in med school who is more interested in his kitchen than his surgery is not sympathetic or likeable. He's detestable. And never tell anyone you're just like your protagonist--then it's not fiction but a poorly disquised "memoir."

Basically, you've told us that Brad is a lousy med student and Lori likes him, for unknown reasons. A meddling family (I'm on their side if they're trying to tell Lori to ditch this loser) doesn't tell much. A little romance doesn't pull me in when I do not feel the love (to quote Emeril, in homage to your culinary side).

The whole thing sounds yucky.

I'm guessing you're a smart guy (because you did succeed at med school). And I disagree with EE's implied comment that doctors should stick with surgery and not take up writing (I don't think EE really meant that)--no reason you can't write.

So even though I don't like this plot, good luck.


Feemus said...Jimmy Breslin says this novel is "sensational." "It has that cadence," he raves.

I don't know anything about queries--this seemed great to me. I like the idea of someone who has spent a lot of time pursuing one course in life having second thoughts. That seems like something that would resonate with a lot of folks.

But...and this is just me...I'm not letting a sexually confused social misfit named BERKOWITZ anywhere near me with a scalpel.


Rei said...If you don't have writing creds, don't feel the need to focus on them -- or even list them at all. If you have nothing, you have nothing. Save the space, don't bore the agent/editor.


Radicalfeministpoet said...What's wrong with you people? First of all, this guy's not in med school, he's already started his internship. Can't you read? Even EE messed that up...obviously it's not safe to spend 80 hours on a blog. Maybe they should limit blog-hours, the way they've limited residency hours.

I have to commment on some of the comments...

A man in med school who is more interested in his kitchen than his surgery is not sympathetic or likeable. He's detestable.

Well, all surgeons are detestable. The question is, were they born that way, or do they become like that after 4 years of infantilisation in med school and another 5+ years of "training" at the hands of sadisitic colleagues?

Having done my share of both surgery and cooking, I can tell you the latter's a lot more fun. Here's just a few reasons: (1) You don't have to get up at 5 am to cook (unless you're making croissants for breakfast). (2) You don't have to wash your hands for 15 minutes before cooking. You don't really have to wash your hands at all. (3) Most food doesn't bleed. (4) Food doesn't sue you when you remove the wrong organ. (5) Food doesn't phone you up at 3 in the mornign and tell you it can't pee. (6) Once you eat, you're done--you don't have to keep visiting the ICU and writing notes about it. Unless you give yourself dysentery, of course. (7) The cooking profession isn't controlled by a nefarious esoteric world-wide Masonic paramilitary organisation that practices human sacrifice at the summer solistice.

I'm guessing you're a smart guy (because you did succeed at med school).
Talk about non sequiturs. Since when were doctors smart? You don't have to be smart to be a doctor, you just have to be anally retentive. (Being a borwn-noser and back-stabber helps too.) And when it comes to smarts, surgeons are the dumbest, dumber even than shrinks. Surgery is just monkey-work; it involves very little brains, it's all technique. If you can hem a skirt, you can remove a gall-bladder.

Incidentally, it's not unheard of for doctors to become chef...I know of one cardiac surgeon who did exactly that.

It would be interesting for the public to read about the seedy underside of medicine instead of swallowing all this Marcus Welby-type rubbish they see on TV. Until I finish my manuscript, though, they'll have to wait.

Bottom line: Doctors are scum. I should know.


Chef Ramsay said...Just to set the record straight, Rad, Cooks get up at five, cooks have to wash their hands, cooks bleed (You think scalpels are sharp? Try the Wüsthof Le Cordon Bleu Cook's Knife), diners sue cooks when they get salmonella or botulism, humans want more food every few hours, much more often than they want more surgery, and bow down before the sanitation inspectors, who'll shut you down in a heartbeat if they catch the cooks not washing.

Surgery may be misery, but cooking for the masses is no picnic. If jobs didn't suck they wouldn't have to pay you to do them.


Anonymous said...Oh, RadicalFeminist, you made me laugh this am!

It is true, the US has some kind of worship/obsession with docs. I know a few who truly are heroes, but the "MD" does not allow people to walk on water.

That being said....the fact that the US has this worship/obsession is what will allow this book to fly off the shelves, just as people swoon over ER and Gray's Anatomy.

The majority of people are not aware of the med school/internship/residency/ fellowship step-ladder, so don't be too hard on EE and his minions.

As for whether I would read this book...I spend enough time with docs who don't really want to be there, who would rather be somewhere else (yes, cooking), but they are still very competent...I think the bottom line is that Brad is not a very sympathetic character. Does he ditch residency to follow his dream of being a chef? Does Lori help him take that step? Those plot points would redeem Brad in my mind.

Good luck with this and be careful with the sutures.


Evil Editor said...No need to defend EE, anonymous. Radical obviously assumed the story takes place in the USA, where internship follows med school (though one could argue you're still in school until you're allowed to practice medicine) while EE assumed the story takes place in Nepal, one of several countries where internship is part of med school, and required to get one's degree. Of course, EE had the advantage of receiving the query in email from an address with the .np country code suffix, so Radfem may be forgiven her humiliating error.


Bernita said...Technical Virgins? And here I thought it was a story of a post-Luddite's first encounter with HTML code.


beth said...First of all, this guy's not in med school, he's already started his internship.

Ummm...then that makes his attitude all the much worse, IMO.

I think we're better off believing our doctors and surgeons are all like Marcus Welby or Hawk-eye Pierce. LOL.


Anonymous said...Perhaps Rad's aversion to surgeons is the reason why she has that ENORMOUS chip bobbling along on her shoulder? Really, dear; you should get that looked at.


Anonymous said...I think the chef/surgeon dilemma is potentially interesting, but it needs just a little more to make it work. For instance, I knew a man with just such a dilemma, and he became a doctor due to extreme family pressure. Maybe Brad has a similar problem and becoming a chef is the road to freedom for him. So, I guess I'm saying, just tell us WHY he's torn between these two fields, and then maybe you've got something.


BuffySquirrel said...I'm with EE--the query doesn't tell me why Lori wants to help Brad. Nor does it explain why they're still virgins. Saying that their careers aren't on their minds when they're together suggests sex is; saying they're virgins suggests it isn't. What is on their minds, then, if it isn't sex OR surgery...balloon animals?


K.Erevas said...I very much resent the implication that a "normal romantic life" involves sex. Some people still save sex for after they're married. I think. I hope.

That said, I agree with a recent anonymous who said that we need to know a bit more about why Brad is in the medical field at all. If he cares more about cooking and isn't doing well as a surgeon, then how come he's still in med school? Money? Family pressure? Lost a bet? Do tell!

New Beginning 1006

"Just shoot it, Mr. Pidwig," Hyde said with greater urgency than the three or four times he'd said it before.

Still, the trembling client seemed no closer to pulling the trigger than when he had dropped his heavy body to a knee and taken aim at the tyrannosaur Unvolution Incorporated's genetic technicians had re-created for him.

It wasn't the first time Hyde had seen wealthy clients freeze when they came to realize, too late, that one thing their money could not buy was the courage to face a terror brought back from the prehistoric past that measured them by nothing more than the richness of their flesh.

Hyde flashed an anxious glance towards the nearby hilltop where his teammate Brash was set up to record Mr. Pidwig's "great kill."  The location also put Brash in perfect position to provide backup firepower that, considering the power of the projectile in Pidwig's weapon, should not be needed.

A shriek of agony from the baby sauropod they had staked out to attract the tyrannosaur drew Hyde's attention back to the bait area, and an irrepressible well of sympathy rose in his throat as he watched the great carnivore tear flesh from the helpless creature's tender back.

Within moments the tyrannosaur had tired of divesting the sauropod of its flesh, and had settled to it's side in the dust.

Hyde snorted with disgust as Pidwig, emboldened by the beast's lack of aggression, stood and emptied his weapon. Unfortunately, from this less stable firing position, the recoil sent the missile spiraling over the target.

Not that it didn't hit something. Brash had no time to make his peace with the Maker he was undoubtedly greeting.

Pidwig, the insufferable twit, gazed up at Hyde through hazy eyes, chuffing on about "most unfortunate," and "couldn't be avoided."

"Aye, verily," Hyde offered before lifting his sidearm and creating his own sound of thunder.


Opening: James Catlett.....Continuation: Veronica Rundell

Guess the Title

Guess the Title

Below are descriptions of numerous well-known films and works of literature. The descriptions were provided by EE's minions (mostly blogless_troll), who have a bad habit of being general when they should be specific, and of failing to see the forest for the trees. Each answer appears right after the description, but it's the same color as the background, so to see it you'll have to select it with your mouse/cursor.



1. Fantastical events, epic battles and sex, sex, sex in a 28-book series. (EE) The Old Testament

2. Betraying her nation, a woman falls in love with the enemy; becoming homeless, she vows a life of gluttony. (WitchEmber) Gone with the Wind

3. Not content to possess the stolen goods, a courier and his bodyguards decide they must kill the victim of the theft as well. (Khazar-khum) Lord of the Rings

4. Though mutilated bodies have been turning up at the edge of a small town, the police chief leaves to go fishing . . . only to come face to face with the killer. (Dave Kuzminski) Jaws

5. A young boy leaves home for the first time, joins a gang of criminals, and destroys government property. (blogless_troll) Star Wars

6. After an attempt on her life, an heiress shacks up with a group of male laborers. (blogless_troll) Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

7. When a weapon more powerful than a nuclear bomb falls into the wrong hands, the only person who can save the world is a professor with ophidiophobia. (blogless_troll) Raiders of the Lost Ark

8. Hired to arrange a real estate deal, a man discovers that his client has an abnormal drinking problem. (EE) Dracula

9. Siblings on a simple errand encounter treacherous terrain, resulting in a medical emergency. (blogless_troll) "Jack and Jill"

10. Girl abuses boy, loves boy, mourns boy, abandons boy, hates boy, wounds boy, endangers boy, saves boy, cuckolds boy, marries boy. (WitchEmber) The Princess Bride

11. A criminal adopts socialist principles in order to impress a woman. (blogless_troll) Robin Hood

12. A criminal talks his way out of captivity through the use of a coffee cup, a bulletin board, and his remarkable powers of observation. (EE) The Usual Suspects

13. The fate of an abused woman depends solely upon designer shoes. (blogless_troll) Cinderella

Guess the Title

Below are ten actual book descriptions taken from BN.com. One of the given titles belongs with the book; the other five are fakes. Answers at the bottom of the post.

1. A lively, hilarious, not-so-reverent crash course through the great philosophical traditions, schools, concepts, and thinkers. It's Philosophy 101 for everyone who knows not to take all this heavy stuff too seriously.

a. I Think, Therefore I Paaartayyyy!

b. Sex and the Single Thinker

c. Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar . . .

d. Camus or Kant You: Putting Descartes Before the Horkheimer

e. Who'da Thunk It?

f. You've Got Guts Between Your Teeth: An Insider's View of the Dog-Eat-Dog World of Philosophy Through The Ages


2. History--long ennobled as the privileged domain of lofty scholars and erudite minds--really just boils down to four things if you think about it. Who killed who, who conquered who, who screwed who, and in what order.

a. The Low-Brow Guide to World History

b. History and Herstory

c. Death and Sex: The Modern Puritan's Guide to History

d. How to Conquer, Screw, and Kill, Using History as Justification

e. They Kill Liars, Don't They? -- Historical Facts that Never Happened

f. Who Did What to Whom and When: A Cheat Sheet for the Historically Illiterate


3. Classic nursery rhymes with a thoroughly modern and charmingly ironic spin that will make the most sleepless fashionista mom smile, even when she's knee-deep in diapers.

a. Mother Goosed

b. This Little Piggy Went to Prada

c. Blah Blah Blahnik Have you any Rhyme?

d. Mother Goose Hangs Loose

e. Politically Correct Nursery Rhymes: Why Should Men Have All the Fun?

f. Refashioned Fairy Tales


4. Even if you've never attended a wedding in the South, you'll find laughter in the pages of this deliciously entertaining slice of Southern life and love, complete with recipes, advice, and a huge dose of that famous charm

a. Sophistication in the Sticks: Staging a Genteel Hillbilly Wedding

b. Too Many Pork Chops: Love, Weddings and Nineteen Cousins Who Can't Fit The Bridesmaid's Dress

c. Somebody is Going to Die If Lilly Beth Doesn't Catch that Bouquet

d. Take a Bite Outta Mah… Key Lahm Pah

e. "I'm Sure She's Very Nice": How to Survive the Southern Wedding

f. The Sacred and the Profane: Southern Weddings, from Tara Tripping to Trailer Trash


5. Everything you need to know about today's fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion.

a. The Bread Sea Scrolls Interpreted

b. Just Paste That Bacon To Your Thigh: Why Fad Diets Don't Work

c. Good Carbs/Evil Carbs: What You Must know to Get to Thin Heaven

d. Celebrating the Church of the Eternal Sourdough

e. Rice Guys Finish First

f. The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster


6. Finally, a book that guarantees your balls will be stomped, that will make even the burliest of men (and in some cases, the burliest of women) feel inadequate.

a. Evil Editor: Nekkid

b. "I'd Love You If You Lost Twenty Pounds" (And other failed pick up lines)

c. Bull Hockey: Games for REAL Men (and we don't mean you girlie NFL players)

d. My Life among the Invertebrates and other Spineless Creatures

e. Ballbusters!

f. The Alphabet of Manliness


7. Never in the history of humankind have so many people uttered so many statements they know to be untrue. From presidents to priests, from corporate executives to lowly wage slaves, people have taken to saying not what they actually believe, but what they believe others want to hear.

a. Advertising: An Introduction

b. Your Call is Important To Us

c. Excuses to God for My Politics

d. The Slippery Slope of our Slimey Slogans

e. "I Love that Outfit!"-- BullShitting Your Way Through Life

f. Lyin’ Dogs and Laxity: When Tall Tales Take Over


8. A hilarious, good-natured spoof on more than fifty self-help books, this book will leave you feeling better about who you are and laughing your way to becoming the person God created you to be.

a. Teatime with God and the 7 Habits of Omniscience

b. As Seen On TV, Or Ten Minutes To a Perfect You

c. Don't Buy this Book . . . Unless You Want to be Over-paid, Over-sexed, Under-worked, and Halfway to Heaven

d. Maybe Life's Just Not That Into You

e. How to Kill Everyone Who Annoys You Without Wiping Out The People You Might Need Later

f. Self-Help for the Self-Help-Impaired


9. The poseur's bible, but with less religious overtones than the real bible-and more pointers on conspicuously carrying an NPR tote bag.

a. Everything I Know I Learned from Baby Jesus in the Manger

b. The Good Bits Bible (Unitarian Universalist Edition)

c. God Wants You to Vote for Me: the Politician's Guide to Acting Devout

d. Faking it: How to Seem Like a Better Person Without Actually Improving Yourself

e. The New Book of Judges (Without All That Judgmental Crap)

f. Pious Eye for the Agnostic Guy


10. A cranked-up collection of affirmations for mommies on the edge, self-styled divas, and domestic goddesses everywhere.

a. Why Mommy Takes Prozac

b. How to Survive Every Ailment Your Kid Can Have, Bake a Mean Souffle, Be the Most Popular Mom on Earth, and Bring Home the Bacon with a Home-Based Business

c. Feminazis, The Maytag Repairman & Other Myths of Mommyhood

d. Gynosaurs: The Lifetime Network As Scripture

e. You Say I'm a Bitch Like It's a Bad Thing

f. Take Your F**king Shoes Off When You Come In Here




Answers Below



Fake titles were submitted by Dave, Robin S., writtenwyrdd, Bill Highsmith, Scott, freddie, Ouch!, Khazar-khum, Evil Editor, and Anonymous





1: c; 2: a; 3: b; 4: c; 5: f; 6: f; 7:b; 8: d; 9: d 10: e

Guess the Title

As there are no queries or openings waiting in the queues (hint, hint), and as I have a novel to edit for a Brenda Novak Auction winner, this is the perfect week to revisit some old Guess the Title quizzes that appeared here before most of you had ever heard of Evil Editor.



Below are five book descriptions taken from Amazon.com. Your job is to guess which title goes with each description. Think of it as reverse Guess the Plot. Answers are below the quiz.
 


A. Robert wants to be a star in the movies. He has invented a system with his computer that could put the old stars back on the screen, alongside him. He has the script and the money, but Hollywood isn't keen. Could the perfect partnership lie with Ernest Fudgepacker of Fudgepacker's Emporium?1. The Importance of Being a Purple Rose in Egypt

2. Nostradamus Ate My Hamster

3. Lauren Bacall Hates My Guts

4. Talkies, Zombies and Wannabes

5. The Anal Retentive Tourist

6. CPU Oughtta Be In Pixels


B. A passel of brainy, witty sf and dark fantasy writers amuse themselves by sitting around talking about odd diseases.

1. Fifteen Diseases that Could End Civilization as We Know It

2. Blue Rubber Bleb Nevus Syndrome Gave Me Bowel Nipples

3. Scab-Picking Time on Taurus IV

4. Diagnosis: Geeky

5. Homogeneous and Heterogeneous Catalysis in the Realms of the Vampyre

6. The Thackery T. Lambshead Pocket Guide to Eccentric and Discredited Diseases


C. A survival guide for parents who find themselves marooned among volatile and incomprehensible aliens on Planet Teen.
 
1. Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?

2. Moms are from Mars, Dads are from Venus, Kids are a Pain in Uranus

3. Don't Have Sex, Make Sure He Uses a Condom, and Other Things to Tell Your Teen

4. Surviving the Alien Freak Who Took Over Your Kid's Room

5. There's Julie, Pretend We're Not Together, Mom

6. Teenagers Were Never Like This When I Was One


D. A lab pigeon who believes that he and his cohorts are human, narrates this rollicking tale about experimental subjects who are kept sated with tobacco and sherry.

1. Squabbles

2. The Pulp Pigeon Papers

3. Birdman of the Alcatraz Testing Labs

4. Succulent Squab on the Lam

5. Frisco Pigeon Mambo

6. Murder Most Fowl


E. Feminism, family values, these modern times, shopping, and the battle of the sexes are covered in this no-holds-barred assault on complacency.
 
1. If You Wanted Any Action You Should Have Noticed My Haircut

2. Get Off Your Ass, Mo-Fo: How to Cope with the Straight Dope in 12 Easy Lessons

3. Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I'm Kissing You Goodbye

4. Father Knows NOTHING

5. Lesbian Bitches from Valhalla and the Battle for the Mall of America!

6. The Adventures of Abigail Schnit and the Cocaine Tampon



Answers Below



The following people contributed fake titles: Dave, Ouch, Bill Highsmith, Khazar-khum, blogless_troll, Scott, ME, Robin S., December/Stacia, Evil Editor, and Anonymous.



The actual book titles that match the plots are:




A: 2; B: 6; C: 1; D: 5; E: 3

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Penelope's Web

1. The CIA hired entomologist Penelope Thorne as a spy because she claimed to have contacts in every city around the world. What will they do when they discover her contacts are all arachnids?

2. Charlotte’s little daughter has always walked a little on the wild side. Unlike her boring sisters she’d rather hang with the bad elements in the barnyard- the dung beetles, the crickets that play punk, and rats who goose the geese. But when Penelope starts writing curse words in her web, Wilbur decides it is time to put down his hoof.

3. The web of mistrust and deceit surrounding illegal aliens is explored as a teenaged girl compares her job working in a citrus grove to living under the Nazis.

4. Virile young men are disappearing near the darkest parts of Daniel Boone National Forest. These men seem to possess only one common trait: marvelously sculpted buttocks. Word has it there’s a coven of witches back in that forest, whose high priestess, Penelope, is actually a policewoman working under cover to free those beautiful buttocks from magic bondage and unmask the sexual suspects in . . . Penelope’s Web.

5. After working in web design for a decade, Penelope is tired of the internet. Between the porn sites and the pop-ups, even Google's lost it's spark. Now that her children are old enough to override every filter she's installed on their laptops, she's determined to develop a viable alternative to the Web, even if it means stealing cutting edge technology from her boss's nemesis, a mildly autistic guru of technology with an exotic monkey obsession.

6. Insanely jealous of her sister Charlotte’s popularity, Penelope plots her revenge: a magnificent web of her own designed to snare her sister’s little piggy friend and hang him upside down from the barn door for all to see. But before Penelope can implement her plan, she’s eaten by a disheveled talking rat.



Original Version

Dear Editor,

María Elena Nuñez, a teenaged migrant farm worker presently working citrus orchards in Florida, befriends a camp school teacher who gives María The Diary of a Young Girl. María feels kinship to Anne Frank, as she reads, drawing parallels to her own life. [Man, picking these damn oranges is like being in Auschwitz.]

The Nuñez family travels with the Delgadoes, including Tomás, who seems as boring as Anne's housemate-in-hiding. María and her older brother Roberto become particularly disheartened when Roberto must quit school to work full days. María feels trapped in the migrant circuit just as Anne is trapped in hiding. She is bored with Tomás [Every time you mention Tomás you tell us he's boring; maybe you should talk about someone interesting.] and refuses to meet others, knowing they soon will go their separate ways.

María's little sister, Juanita, becomes frighteningly ill, [As did Anne Frank's sister Margot, in Bergen-Belsen. Coincidence? Or eerie parallel?] but the family has no money for treatment. Tomás save's Juanita's life by enlisting María's teacher who takes Juanita to her personal doctor. The doctor determines that Juanita has reacted to pesticides, confirmed by soil samples gathered by Tomás.

Now, María sees Tomás differently, and feeling [feels] more hopeful--as Anne had--but is crushed by the sudden, tragic end of Anne's story. While recovering from that shock, the Nuñez family is taken into custody by the [Gestapo] INS, since they are illegals (setting: 1970s). Tomás happens to be with them and is improperly taken since his [yellow star] green card is at home.

Later, Tomás is released and María is about to be returned to Mexico. Can she find the courage that she learned from Anne to overcome this sad turn and work to undo this harm? [Vague. What is the harm that can be undone? Is it courage that's required to undo it?]

Penelope's Web is a middle grades novel of 26,000 words. I hope will want to read the rest of the story. Thank you for your time.


Notes

A lot of characters to keep track of. The query can do without Roberto.

Does María keep a diary? It would be interesting to see this book written in diary form.

Every so often someone compares something to Nazi Germany and justifiably takes heat in the press. A Googling of things that have been compared to Nazi Germany brings up 21st-century America, Australia's immigration centers, The British political system, the firing of Don Imus, Israel of today, Michael Moore's films, abortion rights advocates, China, Al Gore's film, Nixon, LBJ, Clinton, Bush, Obama, tyrannical distribution of soup (on Seinfeld).

Godwin's Law

I recommend you subtly let the reader see the parallels between Anne Frank and María. Fear of discovery would feel similar, though the consequences are obviously different. But to actually point out the parallels through María or a narrator seems heavy-handed. No need to say "María feels trapped in the migrant circuit just as Anne is trapped in hiding." No need to say "Tomás, who seems as boring as Anne's housemate-in-hiding," or "Now, María sees Tomás differently, and feels more hopeful--as Anne had. A thoughtful reader will get it. Just tell María's story; the fact that she's reading Anne Frank's diary should be enough to alert us to the parallels. And maybe it'll inspire middle-graders to read the diary.


Selected Comments

Bernita said...Hmm, they say latino protagonists are hot, but...How about just saying that "Inspired by Anne Frank's 'Diary," Maria...then outline the family's tribulations which make certain parallels obvious - and avoid the inevitable accusations of bathos.


Sarah said...Multi-cultural middle grade is hot right now. And telling the story of an illegal immigrant from the teenage POV is a great idea.

The parallels to Anne Frank feel more like a device to move the story along whereas this story should be strong enough to stand on its own. It’s seems like you want to hit us over the head with how we should view the plight of the illegals the same as that of the Jews during the holocaust.

Maybe the kinship exploration would be more effective if it were based on feelings and not facts. The only one I see you explore here is feeling trapped. There’s a lot of fear to talk about. What is life like on a daily basis? What are the feelings she must work through? How is her life different from those of legal children?

There is a lot of potential for conflict and tension building. You mention these, but, I think, pushing the Anne Frank parallel actually dilutes your story’s conflict. I’d much rather see this as its own story and not have the parallels to Anne Frank at all.


Anonymous said...Comparing being illegal in the US to nazis...that's more than a bit off, IMO. The topic of illegals in a children's book turns me off, frankly, but my preferences are not everybody's. I couldn't say if this is a topic that is current or not in children's lit, either. Personally, I'd rather read If I Did It than a book that makes being an illegal alien (lawbreaker) okay to children.


Robin S. said...I can’t think of an immigrant group, other than the Brits trickling in, now and again, that’s been welcomed here with open arms. And then, of course, there were the “immigrants” who arrived in chains. That’s, as they say, a whole ‘nother story.

My daughter brought home a high school history textbook a few years ago that gave me pause. Inside it were pictures of an African man’s head and an Irish man’s head. These pictures were taken out of an old textbook, from the 1800’s; in the book were descriptions of these heads, explaining why these races of people were considered sub-human. Descending on both sides of my family entirely from Irish immigrants, I was not amused. The Irish came here in droves in the 1800s, and were treated like pond scum. Now they have St. Patrick’s Day parades, and everyone’s all happy and they drink green beer, and memories fade. Mostly.

Almost all immigrant groups were initially betrayed by the purported promises of the “sea to shining sea” place we now call home. Think of the Vietnamese in the 60s and 70s.

My point is – I agree with Sarah. I’d cool off about this immigrant girl’s similarity to Anne Frank- a girl whose “race” was used and destroyed by the millions, by a megalomaniacal sociopathic little fuck.

I think your story is potentially powerful – but more so if it is not oversold on the pathos/bathos, as Bernita mentioned.


Lightsmith said...I have a good friend who came to this country illegally when he was a boy. (He's since become legal, in case la Migra is reading this.) His stories about the crossing from Mexico are fascinating and very dramatic. His experiences of adjusting to life in the US are also very interesting. So I think this is certainly fertile ground for a novel.

I would recommend, however, setting the book in the present day, simply because I imagine that anyone interested in this topic will want to know about the experiences of current illegal immigrants, not the experiences of people from thirty or forty years ago. But I could be wrong.

Most people have heard of Charlotte's Web, but far fewer are familiar with the term Penelope's Web, even though it came first. (I'd never heard of it myself and was surprised to find an entry about it in Wikipedia. Perhaps in other countries with better educational systems it is better known.) People will incorrectly assume that the title is a play on Charlotte's Web, or even worse, a rip off of it.


Robin S. said...Never heard of it before- but now that I've Googled it, I see that...

"This is the famous Penelope's web, which is used as a proverbial expression for anything which is perpetually doing but never done."


Khazar-khum said...I'm Hispanic, and I am sick of the handwringing over the illegals. My grandfather came here legally (as did most of the Irish, btw). Hispanics who are citizens resent illegals, and another book being shoved at kids about how these 'people are being persecuted' isn't going to sit well with them.

It might do well with people suffering liberal guilt, or those whose only contact with Hispanics is to tell Maria to wash the floor; but for people who have to hear the insults and accusations all day long it's not going to fly.


150 said...Time period is an important part of the setting, so move it up:

María Elena Nuñez, a teenaged migrant farm worker in the citrus orchards in 1970s Florida, befriends a camp school teacher who gives María The Diary of a Young Girl.

"Save's" should be "saves".

"Middle grades" should be "middle grade."

"I hope will" should be "I hope you will", although I'd encourage you to change it to something like "The full manuscript is available."

Between those errors and the one EE picked out, plus the subject material, I'd guess that English is your second language. Make sure you give this to a native English speaker to proofread before you send it anywhere.

26,000 words seems really short.

Take EE's advice, and I think your query will be on the right track.


writtenwyrdd said...Remove the references to nazis, Anne Frank and illegal immigrants and focus on the little girl's actions and motivations.

This sounds more like a depressing literary novel the way the letter is now.


Evil Editor said...I wish you people would quit piling on the author. It's getting so submitting a query to this blog is like living under the Third Reich.


Lightsmith said...It might do well with people suffering liberal guilt, or those whose only contact with Hispanics is to tell Maria to wash the floor

It's funny you should say that, because my only contacts with Hispanics is to tell Maria to wash the floor. It usually goes something like this:

Me: Maria!!!! That floor's not going to wash itself!!!

Maria: What are you talking about?

Me: Turn off your telenovelas and wash the floor!

Maria: This isn't a television. This is a computer screen. I'm coding in C++.

Me: If only I could remember my high school spanish. [loudly and slowly] Maaarrriiiaaaa.......necesita...lavar ...el floor-o.

Maria: Go back to your own cubicle, O'Brien, or I'm gonna kick you in the nuts.

Me: [shaking head] you just can't find good help these days...


Phoenix said...Well, Author, you're taking a lot of heat simply for your subject matter. Perhaps no one has heard of ASK ME NO QUESTIONS, a multi-award-winning book for middle graders. Only the illegal aliens there are from Bangladesh. Read about it here:

http://www.simonsays.com/content/book...

So I don't think the subject of illegal aliens is taboo or off-putting for middle graders. I do think 26K words is a bit short for an upper middle grade novel. I think it's an upper MG novel because I remember reading The Diary of AF in 7th grade, and those younger will likely not have been exposed to that book yet.

My personal feeling is that comparing Maria's plight to that of Anne's is not the right analogy. Perhaps to the internment of the Japanese on US soil during WWII. But horrific genocide/persecution based on religion (6 million Jews) or sexual orientation (2 million gays) does not really compare to the economic disadvantages that are forcing immigrants to the US, nor with the INS' disposition of those illegal aliens it captures. Perhaps a couple of choice parallels may be appropriate, but Maria is still going to school and the family has access to a doctor through a friend (or does the doctor turn the family in to the INS?).

So, in the end, what is it that Maria does? It seems that Juanita cannot continue the migrant lifestyle (or is the pesticide poisoning a one-time deal? I'm thinking she continues to be intolerant of the chemicals.), so what are the choices and the consequences Maria faces? Find a way to stay in the US and possibly see her sister die or return to Mexico and -- what? Apply for a green card?


Khazar-khum said...writtenwyrdd brought up something: Not everyone who works in the fields is an illegal alien. Maybe the illegal part should be left out, as it is a major sore spot for many. Concentrating instead on Maria's alienation & struggling to belong, her desire to rise out of the migrant worker life, and it could be inspirational instead of heavy-handed.


pacatrue said...Um, I wasn't as put off by the heroine reading Anne Frank as others have been. Isn't the power of the diary that we all identify with her in various ways? Not that we all believe we are in her situation (if we did, we are delusional), but she is an amazing person with all these everyday cares and we read them and identify and only then do we, who may not have a personal connection to the Holocaust, really, really get it. It's not an ethnicity or statistics being sent off to death camps, it's millions of wonderful people like Anne.

The point is that one can identify with Anne Frank without thinking you are being chased by Nazis.

That's what I got from the query. Our main character is reading the diary of another amazing girl, and she finds herself using Anne's experiences and thoughts to interpret her own life. Of course, if she actually thinks that being an illegal immigrant in 70s Florida IS like trying to survive the Holocaust, then there is a problem.

As for the illegal immigration issue, which has set people off, I have no problem with it as a novel. The basic fact is that there are millions of children in the U.S. who are (or were) here without papers, and their stories are worth telling as well. We can all reach very different conclusions on what the correct American immigration and enforcement policies should be without hiding Maria's story from other people her age.


Evil Editor said...I see no problem with Maria reading the Diary in the book; it may be what sets the book apart from others in the same field--as long as you leave the comparisons to the reader, rather than point them out.

Hey, at 26,000 words, you can't afford to take anything out.


Dave said...I could see this as a middle grade or YA book. It's like The Grapes of Wrath with migrant workers.

I like the fact that the young girl finds inspiration and courage to act in literature. That's an educated person. it a good example to hold up to kids of any age.

I gave my Niece's 12 year old son the latest biography of Roberto Clemente who I saw play baseball and is a good role model.

So I like this heroine who reads history.


Robin S. said...Hi paca,

I'm with you that there's a potentially powerful story here to tell (I mentioned that earlier today), but as the query reads to me, it seemed, as Sarah mentioned, that the author phrased the query in order to "want to hit us over the head with how we should view the plight of the illegals the same as that of the Jews during the holocaust." Different issues at stake, I believe than --

I've just been given the "are you ready to drive me to the field hockey game? " look by my 15 year old - so I gotta go. I'll try to finish my thoughts later.


Author said...Thank you all for your comments. Some were gut reactions to the idea of comparing INS arrests to the holocaust, but there is no such comparison made in the story. This shows a major weakness in the query.

Pacatrue nailed the intent of the story, even if the query did not. Maria simply loved and identified with Anne Frank. The main comparison in the story was the tediousness of the endless migrant cycle (thus the Penelope's web literary reference) and the tediousness of Anne's life in the Secret Annexe.

Part of my last-minute hack job reducing the query by a third was eliminating the fact that Maria wrote diary letters to Anne and her teacher wrote responses in Anne's voice (about one-tenth of the text).

It was this teacher who found Maria's diary after the arrest. This event and the arrest are tough scenes. But the INS agents are not portrayed as Nazis; they're almost abstract in the story. The reader knows, even if she has not read Anne's diary, that in the end, Anne was exterminated by evil people and that Maria and her family are well, though unhappily displaced. (She's even allowed to mail a letter to her teacher after her arrest.) Maria remains hopeful and the readers are left with little doubt she will be be fine.

Some years ago, an editor suggested that I remove Anne Frank from the story, but before I did that, the editor left the publishing house and I couldn't track her down. I've struggled with that suggestion and may consider it, but I would hate doing.


Robin S. said...Hi Author, I'm glad you're here, and I'm, I guess the word would be, relieved that your intentions concerning the inclusion of Anne Frank's diary in your query differed from those of us who looked at the wording and surmised otherwise.

Perhaps the editor had the same misgivings in mind when he/she suggested reomoval of the reference in your manuscript?

So many, many people inhabiting this country come from impoverished and disadvantaged backgrounds, (it's how so many of us ended up here, by and large, after all) whether one or two or three generations ago, I'm wondering if, although your story is a personal and cultural one for you, and rightly so - to make the story more inclusive in its appeal - well -

I'm tired tonght, so I may well not be explaining this in the way I'm trying to, but what I mean is this, in a shorthand version - when I read John Steinbeck long ago, he seemed to speak directly to me, although he described workers I could never have known, in a different era, in a different part of the country.

I'd never heard of Godwin's Law, or whatever it was, before it was mentioned here today. Even so, the reference to Anne Frank disturbed me, because, no matter what my ancestors endured, it was nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to wholesale extermination.

And when you mentioned that "The reader knows, even if she has not read Anne's diary, that in the end, Anne was exterminated by evil people and that Maria and her family are well, though unhappily displaced" I have to say honestly, especially given the time that has passed since Anne Frank's diary was published and the time distance (and societal distance, change of reading habits, LACK of reading habits of so many young people, etc.), that I'm not sure the nuances of your message will be clear on this point.


Anonymous said...Clearly you've realised you need to emphasise that Maria is drawing inspiration from Anne Frank -- as is only right -- rather than doing a "help, help I'm being oppressed" number. Lighten up on the the things that make us think we're being compared to Hitler.

I think this has more potential than another poor little rich kid, who'll take me to the prom paperback. But 26,000 words feels too short to do that potential justice. Without having read it, I do worry about it being as superficial as some of the comments suggest.

We don't have to be judgmental -- don't blame the child for the "sins" of the father.


Author said...Robin, thanks for your comments. The reader will know about the nature of Anne's demise because of Maria's reaction to it. She tell's her friend, Tomas (and therefore the reader) about it.

BTW, I'm not hispanic. I'm an American WASP, born and bred.


iago said...I think the premise is interesting and there is a human story to be told.
What was that Hilary Swank movie recently where the kids drew inspiration from the Anne Frank diary?

Dave said...You might try something like:
Maria, whose parents labor as migrant workers, wants to break the cycle of poor education and poverty that trap her family. She doesn't want to sit around, learn nothing but boredom and pick vegetables. A teacher at the migrant camp assists her efforts by {how}... {?} Maria finds a heroine in the diary of Anne Frank. After her younger sister gets sickened by fertilizers, she uses those lessons as her family is ultimately arrested and deported.

That's painfully clunky. Tomas isn't there, maybe he doesn't have to be, maybe he does. He has to have a more compelling reason to be there other that as a foil for her boredom.
And you need the climax or lesson that Maria learns as she is shipped back.
There's a good idea here, don't give up. This query is not straightforward.


Author: I have to ask -- and I don't know any way to ask without sounding unintentionally nasty, as a self-described through and through WASP -- what "qualifies" you to write this story? Were you a camp teacher? Were you that camp teacher? I wouldn't mind my kids reading a story like this, but I'd sure want it to have the voice of authenticity.


writtenwyrdd said...Truly, in a children's book, there is no discernable need to mention one's immigration status unless you make it necessary in the plot.

Seems to me the difficulties of living in the 'sharecropper' life (which my relatives did in the 30s) is probably enough.


BuffySquirrel said...Being qualified is for non-fiction, not fiction. A novel can have an authentic voice and still be entirely made up. That's the test--not whether it is authentic, but whether it convinces the reader.

There're no grounds on which to start dictating who's entitled to write fiction about what. Novels ain't autobiographies.


Anonymous said...Author says,

Iago, valid question: lots of research. There is no earth-shattering revelation in the story. And as Master EE has made clear, the length disqualifies it from "definitive" status. It is a children's novel/novella with, I hope, a charming character who dotes on her little sister. Also, she is a migrant farm worker.

I've written a vampire short story or two, but never met one, as far as I know. I'm not sure about Anne Rice.


iago said...Being qualified is for non-fiction, not fiction.

Which is why I put "qualified" in quotes.

There're no grounds on which to start dictating who's entitled to write fiction about what.

There's no debate about entitlement here. You're reading way to much into the question.

There's a reason why it's useful sometimes to be able to put into a query "I grew up in that environment" or "I taught some of those kids". Because sometimes that hints at a little more versimilitude in the writing. Research is good too. Just making stuff up -- that's hit and miss. You might convince me, but you won't necessarily convince someone who's living or has lived that life.


Anonymous said...Ohh, Buffy, please.

Even in fiction, the facts need to have a basis in fact. Even if the author is being subversive, he or she needs to be conversant with the truth that is being subverted.

If a man is going to write from a woman's point of view, he'd better know a little about women, don't you think? You're going to call him on it if he says something like stilettoes are the most comfortable shoes available.


Phoenix said...Most comments here, I thought, were directed toward the subject matter and its execution, not the author. And most that pointed a finger at the author, I thought, were respectfully phrased.

If you're writing for publication, especially for kids, better to know early on what touches a nerve. Call it "trial by candlelight" rather than "trial by fire" since this ain't nothing compared to what parents are likely to put a book and its author through if there's the least bit of controversy surrounding it.

However, we minions do forget sometimes that we're critiquing the query letter, not the premise or the way the author chooses to handle the subject matter. I've been guilty of doing that, too.

Now, my last query took a lot of heat over subject matter, and while I expected the story to get ragged on, it was a bit frustrating to not get more feedback on the query letter itself.

Maybe if we try to remember to balance saying something useful about the query along with whatever thoughts we have about the story, it'll be win-win for all.

*steps down from soapbox*


iago said..."I've written a vampire short story or two, but never met one, as far as I know. I'm not sure about Anne Rice."

I'm arguing in the abstract here because, of course, I neither know what's in your story nor know what life is really like for the daughter of a migrant worker.

I'm guessing there are no vampire parents around reading vampire stories to their vampire kids, getting half way through, and saying "hey, it wasn't like that at all back then."

If you have worked with those children in those migrant labor camps, it would possibly be a great thing to put in the query. It would be a great thing to have in the author bio in the back of the book.

Well, that's what I think, anyway.


Author says,You're right, iago. That would be great for the query. Maybe I should lie...nah.


BuffySquirrel said...*shrugs*

I've read many books and stories where the author clearly wasn't "qualified" to write for someone with my level of knowledge of the subject. Nonetheless, those books and stories garnered praise from other readers. This book isn't a "how-to" for being an illegal in America; it's fiction. Even if the author had direct experience of what they're writing about, someone who had a similar experience but had different reactions could still find it didn't convince. You pays your money and you takes your choice.

As for stilletoes...I know nothing about what they're like to wear!


iago said...You pays your money and you takes your choice.
Maybe you're right. Don't knock me for being an idealist, though... Or a hand-wringing liberal.

It's not like there aren't other choices, like books by Hispanic authors, for instance. If the story's well told, it's well told.

Still, if this query came across my desk, I'd want to ask a couple of those questions. Maybe it just needs more of Maria's story and less of Anne's in the query so I don't think of it as a "message" book.


Anon said...I think it's OK to critique the premise. Or rather, what we infer the premise to be based on the query. That can also give the author some valuable clues as to what worked and what didn't work in the query.

It seems here that the premise that was inferred by some wasn't the permise the author wanted to describe. This seems like a pretty good way of finding that out.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Wreck of the Nebula Dream

1. Sure, 'Black Hole Nine" wasn't the most original novel out there, but did that bastard editor have to rip it to shreds? Now Larry will never win that award!

2. On its maiden voyage, the most luxurious spaceliner ever built is involved in a titanic wreck. With insufficient escape pods, the survivors are doomed, unless one passenger--disgraced black-ops mission commander Nick Jameson--can get them out before the ship explodes, and before aliens capture them for their inhuman experiments.

3. Big Johnson is an unpublished Sci-Fi writer, just as his parents said he would be. However, he has a plan. He scours Evil Editor's blog and purloins queries, sending them to every editor alive, hoping one will give him a thumbs up. Little does he know that Evil Editor posts only the crappy queries, holding back the ones he wants to shop.

4. Tristy Donovan, single, Brown educated, creative writing MFA from Iowa fresh on her wall, has written a how-to book to help women gain the trust fund men they want. When another author threatens to reveal that 'Tristy' is really Chauncy from Sheboygan, will someone have to choke a bitch?

5. The tale of an unpublished manuscript penned by Stephen Hawking and Carl Sagan and how it came to be . . . unpublished.

6. Harold Jackman's development of the Nebula, an affordable hydrogen-powered car will revolutionize transportation, end our dependence on oil . . . and make him rich, rich, rich. But not if the auto-makers and oil companies have their way. Can Harold stay alive long enough to prove his car works?



Original Version

Dear Benevolent Editor,

After commanding a disastrous black-ops mission where his best friend was killed Captain Nicholas Jameson, distraught and disgraced, knows his military career is over. As a parting gift his commanding officer gets Nick a ticket for his ride home on the maiden voyage of the most luxurious space-liner ever built - The Nebula Dream. [Hey Nick, man, I noticed you've been a little down ever since you blew our cover, got three of our best men killed, screwed up the mission, and destroyed your career. So I got you a little something.]

Reminiscent of the works of Andre Norton, “The Wreck of the Nebula Dream” is a classic SciFi novel, of 100,000 words in length. [Maybe it's just that I'm old-school, but I feel a book should at least be in print before it's labeled a classic.]
Nick, haunted by his failure and ill at ease among the splendors of the ship is unprepared when the spaceship is involved in a massive wreck comparable to the Titanic disaster [I don't think it's necessary to point out that a passenger on public transportation is unprepared for a massive wreck.] on Earth so many centuries before. [It was inexcusable that the captain failed to avoid that iceberg in the Kuiper Belt.] Insufficient escape pods and malfunctioning machinery all over the ship leave Nick and many of the other passengers stranded on the wreck without hope of escape or rescue. Nick does the best he can to help in the crisis and manages to save a few others from the steadily worsening conditions of the ship. With a group of 6 other survivors the Special Forces captain navigates the wreck, leading them to a potential escape route he has discovered. [Considering that two sentences ago they were "without hope of escape or rescue," they got to this escape route pretty fast.]

On their journey through the ship’s bowels Nick and his friends [encounter noxious gases and waste material, and ultimately] face off against violent looters, [Looters? What are they planning to do with their loot?] crumbling wreckage and a raid of the ship’s contents by the Mawreg, some of the nastiest aliens to ever pollute the universe. [If the Mawreg want what's in the ship's bowels, I say let 'em have it.] Nick fights to get himself and as many other survivors as he can safely off the wreck [To where?] before The Nebula Dream blows up or the Mawreg capture them all for use in their unspeakable experiments with humankind. [Hey! That's the best part, and it's unspeakable?]

A synopsis, first 50 pages, and SASE for your reply are included. I look forward to sending you the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,


Notes

I wonder if comedians in the 23rd century will be doing jokes about the lousy food on space liners. I caught a 4.3 billion km. flight to Neptune and all they served me was one pouch of peanuts. And they weren't even honey roasted! 4.3 billion miles with a crying baby sitting next to me the whole way! It was almost as bad as the time I went to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe and they seated me at the table next to Jar Jar Binks! Flying on the Nebula Dream isn't bad . . . except for the six-hour layover in Uranus!

50 pages is a lot to send. Does someone want that much with a query letter?

No need to mention the Titanic. We're all thinking that anyway, when you say maiden voyage, luxurious liner, massive wreck.

The first paragraph is basically just explaining what Nick is doing on the ship. You might start with him on the ship. We don't care if he got his ticket as a gift after being disgraced, or if he's heading for shore leave on Uranus. We just care that a black ops guy is aboard when the ship hits the iceberg and when the Mawreg show up.


Selected Comments

Andrew said...EE's right. Ditch the first paragraph and replace it with a hook, which is -

Special ops guy is on a passanger spaceship that crashes amongst a bunch of aliens that turn humans into crap 80's popstars (or whatever their experiments are, not that there are many worse than waking up turned into Boy George)

That allows you also to trim a lot of "this happened and then that, and then..." out of the main body, meaning you can focus on the good stuff, trying to get off for a start, how the group dynamic works (is one of them autistic, one a psychopath, one an engineer...basically the cast from 'Cube)

If your plot is Hero guy legs it before the aliens graft gills onto his knees, your agent is going to be asleep. Pick out the other things in your book that have weight, Jack Nicholson's (sorry Nick Jameson's) inner conflict: does he at first shun leadership because of the death of his colleague (this is where you bring this up). Is he secretly married to a Mawreg?

Oh and never use a sentance like "some of the nastiest aliens to ever pollute the universe". Why? Because they do unspeakable experiments on humans for one. Secondly, they are your antagonists, if they are nice and cute and help them off the ship there isn't a story. Plus taken on its own it sounds cheesy.

This sounds like a classic action plot like 'pitch black', actually its a hell of a lot like 'pitch black', so it can work if your hook is good enough. The query needs to be trimmed and re adjusted, then with more about Nick added making us want to read about him specifically, not just about any old disgraced Hero guy.


Evil Editor said...What it reminded me of was Under Siege. Only in space.


Phoenix said...Ooh, now see, you'd get a lot more mileage if you post a version, wait for feedback, revise, then post that revised query elsewhere. Nothing I can add that wasn't already said on the COM. I mean, Goblin was even kind enough to offer grammar advice. And EVERYONE thought there was a bit of overkill in the Titanic comparisons. And I was looking forward to reading an action-packed revised version.
EE gave you a tremendous gift -- the GTP plot summarization. Use that as your hook, and build off it. I'm sure we'd all love to see a revised version -- but, please re-read the COM comments as well as these and DO revise.

EE, I've run across numerous agent guidelines that request just that -- 50 pages. Or first three chapters not to exceed 50 pages. Usually, these are snail mail requests. Ahh, I think I see, these agents are getting a kick-back from the US Post Office.


Evil Editor said...If I'm still reading at page 50, I'm likely to want to read the whole thing. Normally I quit by page three. Anyone who wants 50 pages from everyone who submits a query must be really into origami.

Of course the letter was addressed to an editor. Agents have much bigger offices.


Anonymous said...Phoenix, it takes a bit longer for EE to get a query up than for the Crapometer to do so; this query may have been submitted to both sites at the same time. The writer can't know how much overlap there is between the audiences for the two sites, so by submitting to both, he or she is just ensuring they get lots of opinions--which is good practice.


Scott D. said...Author here: In reply to anon 12:19, that's exactly what happened. I submitted them at exactly the same time and now it's been on COM for WEEKS. So, I did revise already off those comments.

*goes away to revise again off these feedbacks- will be back later to post results*


Scott D. said....AUTHOR HERE AGAIN:

Ok, keeping in mind these notes and the ones from COM, here is the New and Improved Query Letter. Please let me know if it's better than the first one or if I'm going in the wrong direction.

Dear Benevolent Editor,

On its maiden voyage, The Nebula Dream, the most luxurious spaceliner ever built, is involved in a wreck of Titanic proportions. With insufficient escape pods, the survivors are doomed, unless one passenger- disgraced black-ops mission commander Nick Jameson- can get them out before the ship explodes, and before enemy aliens capture them as slaves- or worse.

Reminiscent of the works of Andre Norton, “The Wreck of the Nebula Dream” is an adult SF novel, of 100,000 words in length.

Once it becomes obvious to Nick that the ship isn’t going anywhere this lifetime, the Special Forces captain teams up with a D’vannae brother, one of an order of tough and well-trained mystics who are usually hired as high-class bodyguards or Grade A assassins. (Nick’s just glad Brother Khevan is on his side this time). The two of them are moments away from making it onto an escape pod when a beautiful woman named Mara comes running down the corridor begging for help. Two young children are trapped in crumbling corridor. Nick and Khevan are the only ones who decide to follow Mara and attempt a rescue. By the time the three of them have gotten the kids out it’s much too late to catch an escape pod. Working their way through the ship with Mara and the children, Nick and Khevan also save a flighty young socialite from the unwanted attentions of seven men at once. After attempting to hire Khevan as her personal bodyguard the girl, Twilka, reluctantly joins their ragtag band of survivors.

During an unpleasant visit to the remnants of the ship’s bridge, Nick discovers from probing the ship’s Artificial Intelligence that none of the Dream’s communicators are working. Worse than that, though, is the fact that not only was a distress call never sent, but the Dream is floating in the middle of enemy space belonging to the Mawreg- some of the nastiest aliens to ever pollute the universe. Nick knows there is no hope for any of them if they can’t get a message out to someone. The escape pods don’t have enough fuel to make it to the safest sector. Without help, and quick, all the survivors of the wreck are going to find themselves unwilling participants in the Mawreg’s cruel and unspeakable experiments with humankind. The group is depending on Nick’s level head and quick thinking to get them out. He is determined not to fail these people, not to let them die if there is any way he can prevent it.

A synopsis and SASE for your reply are included. I look forward to sending you the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,


December/Stacia said...This needs more commas. Seriously. Some of the sentences don't make sense without them.

Also, how does a spaceship crash? How does everyone aboard not die if the integrity of the hull is breached? Wouldn't that create an oxygen vacuum and kill them all in like thirty seconds?


Evil Editor said...I don't see this fitting on one page with those two lengthy plot paragraphs, so I copied them here and removed what I thought you could do without:


Once Nick realizes that the ship isn’t going anywhere this lifetime, he teams up with a Khevan, one of an order of mystics who are usually hired as bodyguards or assassins. The two are moments from boarding an escape pod when a woman named Mara comes running down the corridor begging for help. Two young children are trapped in a crumbling corridor. Nick and Khevan follow Mara, but by the time they get the kids out it’s too late to catch an escape pod.

On the ship’s bridge, Nick discovers that no distress call was sent, and the Dream is floating in Mawreg space. Without help, and quick, all the survivors of the wreck are going to find themselves unwilling participants in the Mawreg’s cruel and unspeakable experiments with humankind. Nick is determined not to fail these people.


This version does lead me to ask why the ship would have been in the Mawreg sector in the first place.


Bernita said...I like the new-and-improved version. Though a query must excite an agent, as a reader I would likely buy the book.


Pete said...I like the newer version okay, even if I *do* keep thinking "Poseidon Adventure" meets "Starship Titanic" by Douglas Adams and Terry Jones.


stick and move said...The revised version reads like a synopsis to me. You introduce so many characters and list so many events that you're using up valuable word count with details not required in a 300 word query. Like this:

The two of them are moments away from making it onto an escape pod when a beautiful woman named Mara comes running down the corridor begging for help.

You can't afford the words to tell us she came "running down the corridor". That's just one example. I think you could cut it in half by removing unnecessary words and phrases like that.

Of course, with my query writing ability and a strong wind, you could fly a kite.


Scott D. said...AUTHOR HERE:

Ok, here's the latest, somewhat minor tweak, building off EE's base.

Dear Benevolent Editor,

On its maiden voyage, The Nebula Dream, the most luxurious spaceliner ever built, is involved in a wreck of Titanic proportions. With insufficient escape pods, the survivors are doomed, unless one passenger- disgraced black-ops mission commander Nick Jameson- can get them out before the ship explodes, and before enemy aliens capture them as slaves- or worse.

Reminiscent of the works of Andre Norton, “The Wreck of the Nebula Dream” is an adult SF novel, of 100,000 words in length.

Once Nick realizes that the ship isn’t going anywhere this lifetime, he teams up with Khevan, one of an order of mystics who are usually hired as bodyguards or assassins. The two are moments from boarding an escape pod when a woman named Mara comes running down the corridor begging for help. Two young children are trapped in their crumbling cabin alone. Nick and Khevan follow Mara, but by the time they get the kids out it’s too late to catch an escape pod.

On the ship’s bridge, Nick discovers that no distress call was sent, but, worse than that, the Dream’s unscrupulous captain, in a dangerous effort to make the Inter-space Speed Record, took a shortcut through territory belonging to the Mawreg. The Mawreg are a race of bloodthirsty and evil aliens who’s one desire is to conquer the universe- by any means necessary. Without help, and quick, all the survivors of the wreck are going to find themselves unwilling participants in the Mawreg’s cruel and unspeakable experiments with humankind. The group is depending on Nick’s level head and quick thinking to get them out. He is determined not to fail these people as he failed his sergeant and men on his last disastrous mission in the Special Forces.

A synopsis and SASE for your reply are included. I look forward to sending you the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,


BuffySquirrel said...So the men are tough and well trained and the women are beautiful and flighty. It's the seventies!

Anonymous said...I liked the second query, particularly after EE cut out the paragraph I felt was unnecessary.


stick and move said...Author, if you insist on keeping your reference to Andre Norton (I suggest losing it, but that's just me), please move it to the beginning or end. Putting it right after the first paragraph totally destroys the flow you've built with those first few sentences. Maybe make it the first paragraph or the second to the last.