Evil Editor's Blog, page 135

Face-Lift 1124

Guess the Plot

What Future Lies

1. The dog ate my homework. It's not you, it's me. Check's in the mail. I'm on the pill. No, really, you can trust me. Oh God...yes, yes, yes! Aunt Amity's forthcoming Book of Lies will be a must-have baby shower gift.

2. Professor Cuyper invents time travel, invests heavily in biotechnology, then sets off for a promising future. He arrives in a world of terrifying mutations his money helped create. Too bad he forgot to invent reverse time travel.

3. Elspeth Kasandra has made a fortune as a fake fortune teller. But now all her made-up predictions are mysteriously coming true. Now it's up to Elspeth to stop California from tumbling into the sea.

4. Brenda thinks men won't date her because she's fat, so she uses an old picture on a dating site. Soon a handsome man messages her. But at the date, she discovers he's really a frumpy shoe store manager. Can they find love, or will their lives be--future lies?

5. Physicist Joseph Seldon knows time travel is impossible, since the past and future are constructs of our minds and only the present exists. Then a future version of himself shows up, needing his help.

6. Nerdy Zara has found her niche by reading tarot during lunch break. A few accurate predictions and she's now in demand by the cool girls. Her revenge for past humiliations is to predict horrible futures for them, and watch self-fulfilling prophecies come true.

7. Paul and his girlfriend Emma are accepted into separate Ivy League universities, Paul promises to visit her every weekend. She doesn't trust him. Paul doesn't care, because he just wants to party, and lie about it.

8. Christopher Smith gets kidnapped by a time traveling warrior and taken to a high-tech medieval time when knights ride hover bikes and energy domes protect cities. He thinks it's pretty cool, but the coolest part is when it's revealed that Chris is actually an android!

9. Herman thought he had life figured out. Job, wife, family, right? Then, he entered Madame Allred's carny tent. Now his only hope for a perfect future is to survive a trip to the past to save his fiancée's mother from a tragic mistake.

10. Thyme learns that her father wasn't the man who raised her. In fact, he wasn't even human. On the run from the Intrastellar Justice Agency, Thyme searches for her biological father who she hopes can save her. Also, shape-shifting squid people.

11. A disillusioned Wall Street trader who lost it all in the mortgage crisis comes to Jesus after his failed suicide attempt. (I think. It's kinda murky and grandiose.)



Original Version

Dear EE,

When 17-year-old Christopher Smith gets kidnapped by a beautiful time-traveller with rainbow-colored eyes, he thinks that's as crazy as it gets. Not even close.

His kidnapper, a warrior named Isabeau de Chic, brings Christopher to a future he never imagined: a time when high technology meets history in medieval-inspired city-states, where towering walls are protected by impermeable energy barriers and knights ride AI-enhanced hover bikes.

And then Christopher meets the king, Alexander, who looks just like him.

King Alexander claims their similarity is mere coincidence and that he only brought Christopher to the future to be his occasional stand-in. Christopher thinks he's lying. Christopher's right. [Obviously he's right. When you have time travel, you don't need a stand-in. If you get assassinated, your trusted minions time travel back to right before the assassination and prevent it. If the queen catches you in bed with your mistress, you go back in time and give the queen a thousand dollars to go shoe shopping. Instead of using a stand-in to avoid attending some endless official ceremony like the city-state's 100th anniversary or meeting the Rollerball champions, you just time travel to the day after the ceremony.] [Plus, in the future if you need an occasional stand-in, you use one of your clones.]

Christopher's pretty sure Isabeau knows the truth, but, even though she's warming up to him, she's not telling. She's not telling him about the rebels either, with their wild stories of a world outside the energy dome. [The people think there's nothing outside their dome?] She's not telling him the rumors that those same rebels would love to replace King Alexander with someone new – perhaps someone that conveniently looks like him.

And she's certainly not telling him that he's an android. [I assume you mean Christopher, and not King Alexander. Although it seems weird for an android, upon being kidnapped by a time traveler, to think, That's as crazy as it gets.] [Then again, maybe if you translated those noises r2-d2 made it would turn out it was saying, "WTF? Could things get any more wacko? Holy shit! A wookie!"]

Surrounded by deception and intrigue, Christopher must discover the truths of this world for himself if he's going to decide whose side to take - a decision where he could lose his life... or gain his humanity. [a decision that could cost him his life... or gain him his humanity.]

Complete at 73000 words, WHAT FUTURE LIES is a YA Sci-Fi re-imagining of The Man in the Iron Mask. [In other words, the king has Chris thrown into prison, where he dies after 34 years and everyone wonders who he was.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Assuming an android is a robot that looks human, did they really have to time travel to get Christopher? It's not like he would have died of old age. Maybe he's still around. Even if he was destroyed, can't they just make a new android that looks like the king instead of going back in time? To people with hover bikes and force fields and time travel, making an android from scratch is like people of today making a fork.

It starts off okay, but instead of spending an entire paragraph telling us what Isabeau isn't telling Chris, maybe you should tell us what she is telling him. If Christopher doesn't know something, maybe we don't need to know it.

Does Chris ever find out he's an android? Does he want humanity? Does he want to get back to his own time? Are wants and desires totally foreign to him? You've set up his situation: he's been kidnapped and taken to the future. Now we want to know what happens.

After Chris decides whether to take the side of the king or the rebels, what is he supposed to do? Apparently take the king's place, as that's what both sides claim they want him for. But what's at stake? What will happen if the rebels win, and what will happen if they lose?

New Beginning 1004

Sylvie flit her fingertips through the candle’s flame, wondering how many saints and prophets would have been sent to asylums in the modern age. When the power had just gone out, it was a game of boredom. Now, her eyes locked on the glow. Her newest canvas perched wet and disheveled on its easel. The white rabbit notecard sat open on the coffee table. The thunder cracked, a signal from the ancients or perhaps simply a superb sound off of static electricity. Her hand, preparing itself for a slower passing, cast a shadow like a quivering spider across the words on the page.

“Off with your head.”

When another burst of lightening lit the room, Sylvie closed her eyes, allowing her fingertips to meander through the heat of the flame. Her purple fingernails looked black in the dim light. The thunder boomed again, and someone banged on the door. Her hand flinched. She didn’t move to answer it.

“Wasn’t sure if you had any candles.” Miguel walked in the unlocked door like he had just seen her yesterday. Stumpy pillars filled his hands, and a flashlight poked out of his sweatshirt pocket. He dripped after his two block dash. “Guess I was wrong,” he added, seeing the flame across the room quaking from the breeze he let in. “Do you have a towel?”

Sylvie hid her raw fingertips and limped to the hall closet.

“Always saving the damsel in distress…” The words tasted old in her mouth, worn-out, nostalgic as his morning breath and the dagger she’d put in his back.

The phone rang, screaming like a hungry animal and making Sylvie jump. She'd forgotten, in these days of digital dependence, that her old analog set still worked through a power cut. She grabbed the receiver, drawing it toward her like it was buoyant driftwood on an ocean of bleakness. "Hello?" She cast into the static sea.

"It's the power company," the distant, disembodied voice, unsettling in its normalcy informed her. "We've checked out the problem. We'll have your lights back on shortly; seems your overcharged imagery tripped a breaker at the substation."


Opening: Kris Spisak.....Continuation: Anon.

Sorry Captcha Haters

Saturday and Sunday alone I received 43 comments that turned out to be someone telling me what a great blog I have and providing a link to their blog. Such as:


My brother suggеѕteԁ I might lіke this ωeb
site. He wаѕ totally right. This pоst
truly made my dаy. You cann't imagine simply how much time I had spent for this info! Thanks!

my blog post Same Day Payday Loans


I can't see enduring 43 minor annoyances in two days just to save the few people who make actual comments from two or three minor annoyances every two days. Of course I could stop moderating comments, in which case I assume all these spam comments will appear among the real ones, but then someone will probably click on one of the links and instead of being someone's website it'll let a virus into their computer and who will they blame? Evil Editor.

To ease the pain, anytime you get a captcha you can't decipher, take a screen shot. Then, if your guess fails, email me the screen shot and I'll compile them in a blog post and we can all share each other's misery. (Obviously if you get it right, it wasn't as difficult as you thought it was.)

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Murder in the Cards

1. In a suspense-filled Pokemon game, 9-year-old Sammy realizes that 8-year-old Jeff has the rare Dark Pikachu that he's wanted for months. Now Sammy must decide how far he's willing to go to complete his deck.

2. Fake psychic Lorna Lipschitz gets a tarot card reading gig at the wedding of her ex-fiance, Jack Ready. But it doesn't take a psychic to see something is very wrong when Jack's new wife is found dead with the Death card stapled to her bludgeoned forehead. Can Lorna clear herself of suspicion and rekindle the fire with Jack? Or will the hunky homicide detective give her a different fortune?

3. Madame Moodra knew her part: deal the Burning Tower to Professor Green and tell him his wife is dancing in Vegas with gym rat Todd Sparks. But whoa! Violent reaction! Good thing Moodra's pistol was loaded. Although now that Green is dead and her cards are all bloody, she's wondering -- was it all a set-up?

4. Geraldine Plick is the reigning canasta player at the Sunset Manor Retirement Home until a challenge from newcomer Betty Drupe leaves her doubting her abilities. When Betty is found dead in the hydrangeas, it's up to Geraldine to find the murderer before she lands in a freecell.

5. Dulci Ash is on the trail of a killer. A Machiavellian medicine man and an octogenarian madman are her chief suspects, but the authorities have arrested songwriter Josh Burnett. Can Dulci use her psychic abilities to clear Josh, or is a murder conviction . . . in the cards?

6. Alice never expected to see poor Jack lying dead outside the little house. When the Queen arrives and orders Alice beheaded for the murder, Alice's only chance at proving her innocence lies in a magical mushroom, a taciturn lobster, and an unfortunate lizard named Bill. Also, a white rabbit.


Original Version

Dear Editor:

I have recently completed a 100,000 word regional mystery novel set in and around the White Mountain Apache Reservation, titled Murder in the Cards. The story combines historical events from the late 1800s with a recent murder [Recent to the late 1800's or recent like last week?] that propels part-time psychic and full-time single mom Dulci Ash reluctantly out of her shell and onto the trail of a supernatural killer in the White Mountains of Arizona. [A wordy opening; eliminate the word "regional," since you tell us the region, eliminate the setting in the second sentence, as we already have it, and eliminate "reluctantly," which is assumed of anyone in a shell. Besides which if you're in a shell and reluctant to come out, you're more likely to be pulled or dragged or drawn out than propelled out. Do we need to know she's a single mom in the query? As her momhood never comes up, I'm thinking No.]

Along with [the] way, she meets Josh Burnett, the all too human singer/songwriter who is accused of the crime, [Look Josh, I'm not saying I want to date a monster or a space alien; but you . . . you're just a little . . . too human.] his father Vince Burnett, an Apache medicine man who's [whose] Machiavellian politics make the prince look like a dabbler, [Which explains why cunning, unscrupulous politicians who were once called Machiavellian are now described as "a little like Vince."] and a pumped-up octogenarian madman [, Jack LaLanne,] who has been possessed by the spirit of Coyote, the Native American trickster and meddler. [You might want to mention why Dulci is involved if the authorities have their man. What makes her think Josh Burnett is innocent?]

Historical elements of the story center around the fictionalized account [When you said the story combined historical events from  the late 1800s yadda yadda, I assumed you meant actual historical events, not fictional historical events.] of a famous Apache Medicine Man, Goyani (Apache for The Wise One), [And whose letters can be used to spell "yin," "yang," "yogi," and "Nagy."] ["Nagy"? I include "Nagy" only because when I noticed Nagy was available in the letters of Goyani I was suddenly reminded of the incident with my Jon Nagy art kit, which included a clear plastic sheet that you put over your television screen so that you could learn to draw like Jon Nagy. One Saturday morning I forgot to put the plastic on the TV, and drew all over the actual screen. Turned out the crayon wiped off the plastic sheet much more easily than off the TV. Mom was not amused. But enough about me.] who was apprehended by local soldiers for inciting an insurrection among the Apache people. Goyani had promised to resurrect four dead Apache War Chiefs to lead the people. [I was about to say, If the best leaders you can come up with are four dead guys, you're in trouble. Then I realized how much better off we'd be today if we had elected the Marx Brothers.] A terrible battle ensued between the soldiers who had come to arrest him and the people of Cibecue, which is widely recognized as the last major battle of the Indian Wars. Goyani ended up being murdered, hands tied behind his back, [Too late, Goyani realized he never should have used the expression, "I could take you guys with both hands tied behind my back."] during the fight. No one knows how history might have changed if he had remained alive long enough to complete the resurrection ceremony. [For starters, the Washington Redskins would be known as the Washington Aryans; the Cleveland Indians would be the Cleveland Crackers; and the Florida State Seminoles would be the Florida State Rhythmless White Guys.]

I have worked as a psychologist on the Apache Reservation for approximately eight years, and am able to combine a thorough understanding of modern Apache culture with fastidious historical research – I worked in the editorial department of a weekly newspaper in Detroit for nearly 10 years before deciding to return to school for my PhD.

I would be glad to send you sample chapters or the full manuscript on your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

If this is Dulci's story, we need to know what happens to her. All we get is that she's after a killer. There's more of Goyani's story here than Dulci's, and while I have no doubt that Goyani's story is told in the book, this is a present-day murder mystery, so concentrate on the present-day plot. Who's dead? Who had motive? Why is Josh locked up? Why is Dulci involved?


Selected Comments

Dave said...I must say it - too many words.
You can simply say " In 'Murder in the Cards,' a 100,000 word mystery set in the White Mountain Apache Reservation, Dulci Ash, part-time psychic and single mom, must defend Josh Barnett who is accused of murdering (insert name). Along the way, Dulci must contend with Josh's father, Vince and indian medicine man who believes he can reincarnate the fabled War Chiefs of Cibeque, evil spirits bent on revenge.

That's rough. It might even be the story. EE asks five very astute questions for you to answer. Point your arrow in that direction. Paint your wagon, and set out with your Corps of Discovery.


takoda said...Your query needs work, along the lines of what EE and Dave suggested. But your book sounds fascinating. I'm praying that you write well, because this is definitely a book I would snap up. Also, your title doesn't give justice to the way you described your book. Can't you work something 'Apache' into your title?


kris said...I like your premise, especially since your background will lend authenticity. I'd read this.

I'd ditch "come out of her shell" because you don't want a glaring cliche in your query.

These two sentences bumped me:

"A terrible battle ensued between the soldiers who had come to arrest him . . ."

Are there any battles which aren't terrible? Battle = death.

"Goyani ended up being murdered, hands tied behind his back, during the fight." --

What goes first, comes first. Goyani had his hands tied and then was murdered, right? Not so tragic if they're tied post-mortem.

I want to know how this history relates to the present-time murder. Beginning with, who was killed?


pjd said...If I take a look at where you started and where you ended up, I get confused. You start with a recent murder, a part-time psychic, and a supernatural killer. But you end with this: No one knows how history might have changed if [Goyani] had remained alive long enough to complete the resurrection ceremony.

Are you saying that in your book, Goyani returns? Or does Vince do the resurrections? Or is some other supernatural killer on the loose, and all this other history somehow ties in?

The story sounds interesting in that regional sort of way. I'd probably look at a few pages to see whether I liked the writing or not. Hopefully it reads more like a mystery than a history...

verification word: upfagipk
meaning: text message from a British guy who just dropped and retrieved a cigarette?


phoenix said...When re-writing your query, try not to dilute the things about it that are the real hooks: your psychic MC and the Apache aspect. Suggest the historical elements. The query doesn't need to go into a full recounting. And tie Dulci more into the plot. My attempt to pull it together and tighten it up follows...
MURDER IN THE CARDS, a 100,000-word mystery with historical elements, pits psychic Dulci Ash against a supernatural killer in the White Mountain Apache Reservation of Arizona.

When [an outspokenly bigoted army captain] turns up murdered [in a hotel room on the reservation], investigators accuse [the last man seen arguing with him] -- Josh Burnett, [long-haired, tripped-out] son of an Apache medicine man known for his Machiavellian politics. Dulci's psychic ability however, "sees" quite another possibility: the return of Goyani, a nineteenth-century Apache insurrectionist responsible for the [Cibecue Rebellion], the last major battle of the Indian Wars.

Dulci can't rid herself of the image of Goyani vowing to resurrect four great Apache War Chiefs to lead the Apache people against their oppressors. But it takes the ranting of an octogenarian madman possessed by the spirit of Coyote, the Native American trickster and meddler, to help her uncover the chilling truth of how a legend, dead for 120 years, still has power to strike in defense of his people.

Eight years as a psychologist on the Apache Reservation gives me unique insight into the modern Apache culture. Ten years in the editorial department of a weekly newspaper in Detroit gives me the skills for conducting fastidious historical research.

I would be glad to send you sample chapters or the full manuscript on your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Amnesia Door

1.Dr. Barnes' Psychology grad students call the door to his lab the Amnesia Door after his research into the disorder. But when students begin to die during experiments, panic sets in. Also, a blind Chinese exchange student.

2. Follow me through the amazing Amnesia Door and you'll remember noth-- What was I talking about? Who are you? . . . Hell, who am I?

3. There's something sinister going on behind door 212 at Willowbrook Convalescent Hospital. No one who goes in is ever the same. When Gracie goes in but never returns, her roommate Molly Parker knows what she has to do: rally the knitting club and their scooters to find the truth. Also, a pair of clever therapy Poodles.

4. Belle's new English teacher teaches more than English; she teaches witchcraft. But the door to Ms. Wendt's room erases the students' memories when they leave, so there's no danger . . . except from Belle's new science teacher, who has his own designs on Ms. Wendt's powers. Also, alchemy.

5. When George trades his newly-won washer-dryer for a chance at what's behind Door #3, he immediately forgets why he did it. He also forgets his name and address, his wife, his career as a physics professor, and how to put on his pants. Hilarity ensues.

6. Jane Doe wishes she knew where she lost her mind, but all she can remember is a door. A plain old door with hinges and a knob. Dr. Shelby treats this like every other case of middle-aged reality-avoidance--skeptically--until he finds himself standing next to a plain old door, wondering where he was going and what his name is.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Fifteen-year-old Belle is perfectly normal and perfectly bored with her normal life—until she meets her new English teacher. Ms. Wendt is a witch. Even stranger than the fact that Ms. Wendt supplements her lessons with magic

[Ms. Wendt: Today, students, to assist with our discussion of Othello, I've brought the author, William Shakespeare, back to life. But before we open the floor to your questions, watch as I saw Mr. Shakespeare in half!

Shakespeare: WTF?! Hey lady, there's been a mistake. I think you want Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxf-- Somebody get that saw away from this nut!]

is the fact that her classroom is located behind a blue door that erases her students' memories of magic when they leave. As Belle and her friends Robert and Esperanza try to find ways to thwart the door and remember their magical teacher outside of class, [Surely they at least remember their teacher?

Who you got for English this year?

I . . . doesn't remember. Who you've gotten?

I ain't gots not idea.]

they discover that Ms. Wendt is a prisoner of her own classroom, trapped behind the blue door that ensures no one will remember her or help her escape. [Lucky for Ms. Wendt her classroom has a restaurant and a bathroom with a shower.] Belle's new science teacher hints that there may be a way save Ms. Wendt, [If they don't remember Ms. Wendt outside of the classroom, how can they discuss her with their science teacher? Why would they even want to discuss her with their science teacher?] but as Belle and her friends learn about alchemy, [Are they learning about alchemy in science class or in Ms. Wendt's class?] they begin to question whether their new teacher wants to save Ms. Wendt or use her magic for his own purposes. Either way, the first step for Belle to save her teacher is to remember her.

THE AMNESIA DOOR is a 64k word YA contemporary fantasy aimed at teens. [That sounded redundant, until I remembered that most YA nowadays is aimed at adults.] I think you might like it because (personalized info about an agent/editor here).

I am currently a working writer and a high school English teacher. I am a member of SCBWI and a SCBWI critique group. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

I'm not sure how they figured out that the door was the key, (Perhaps Bob, still in the classroom, says to Ed, who has just stepped out the door, "Hey that was cool the way Ms. Wendt pulled Rabbit Run out of a hat," and Ed replies, "Huh?") but if they did, it seems obvious they should try going out the window. They could try writing themselves notes while in class, but I suppose if a kid found a note in his pocket saying Ms. Wendt is a witch, he wouldn't catch on.

I'm thinking this sounds more like middle grade. Older kids tend to forget everything that happens in the classroom even without a magical blue door.

This seems like a good story, but as tricky as time travel. It seems there can be discussions of magic or Ms. Wendt only when the students are in English class. When they're in English class, are they aware that they weren't aware of Ms. Wendt's magic before they walked in? When they come into English Tuesday, do they suddenly remember Monday's magic, and if so, are they aware that they didn't remember Monday's magic until they walked in? Make sure that you follow all the rules you set up. Even middle grade kids will spot contradictions.


Selected Comments

Tracey S. Rosenberg said...I love this title. I also love GTP number 1, and number 2 is good for a giggle. Nitpicks:

- I know Stephenie Meyer doesn't have a lock on the name Bella, but given the timing, you may look as though you're influenced by it. (Said by someone who once named a character Isabelle because I saw that movie where Michelle Pfeiffer turns into a bird. Ladyhawke? Anyway, her character's name was Isabeau and I was not very original.)

- I don't want Belle to be perfectly normal. I want her to have previously unknown - okay, not super powers, but if she's capable of getting to the bottom of all this, she's surely better than average? Does she have a natural aptitude for alchemy? You don't want to Marysue her but give her something more than mousy hair and combination skin.

- I'm really torn about your announcement that you're a high school English teacher. Clearly you have the life experience for writing about a high school English class [but don't most of us?], but so many hsets are wannabe/failed novelists that I'm worried you'll sound desperate. PLEASE, PLEASE REPRESENT ME AND GET THIS PUBLISHED! I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER SEMESTER OF LENNY AND THE PUPPY! or whatever.

But it sounds interesting and I would definitely read it, even though I have not been a teen for some time. :)


Whirlochre said...This sounds interesting and has a lot of potential, but everything will depend on how you reason through and present to your readers exactly what is remembered and by whom. In this regard, you're going to have to be water-tight with detail (the specifics of how the AD functions) or the whole thing will unravel.
You hint at skullduggery afoot on one side of the door, and I'd like to think this was because of further foul deeds taking place on the side where Ms. Wendt is trapped.


Kiersten said...It sounds more middle-gradish to me, too. How old is Belle? And once again, I'll just say, listen to EE. You've already got a pretty good query; follow his advice and it will be great.


Kiersten said...Yes, duh, it would say fifteen-year-old in the very first sentence. Clearly you shouldn't listen to anything I say.


Deborah K. White said...Even stranger than the fact that Ms. Wendt supplements her lessons with magic is the fact that her classroom is located behind a blue door that erases her students' memories of magic when they leave.

If her students forget the magic when they leave, wouldn't using magic hinder their learning instead of help it? Say that magic is used to illustrate a point: won't they forget that point the moment they forget the magic because the memories are intertwined?


Anonymous said...Yeah, a serious logic problem, even for YA. Nobody remembers anything about the magic once they leave, but everybody's having discussions about the teacher and the magic throughout the school? To the point that the kids think the other teacher is trying to harness the magic for herself?

Either answer the question in the query letter or better yet, don't make the question apparent.


benwah said...One of the many things I have learned from EE's blog is that every school is populated by magicians or werewolves or vampires.

If I ever have kids, they'll definitely be homeschooled.


beth said...Thank you to everyone for commenting on my entry!!! This has all be really helpful. In answer to some of the comments/nitpicks:

1. The name Bella Ravenna is my play on the name Bellerophon, the Greek mythological hero on whom the story is loosely based.
2. In the book, Belle does have a natural aptitude for alchemy.
3. I think I've got the details in the book pretty water tight...but I'm having a hard time proving that in the query, obviously!
4. Everyone is commenting on how middle grade-ish this is...I may lower Belle's high school age to middle school to fit the tone.
5. Deborah: the kids remember the facts, but not the magic or method in which they learned them. Example: in the first lesson, they visit the pyramids. Outside of class, Belle describes the lesson, but thinks that she saw pictures...not that she was there.

I think my biggest problem is getting the details across in the story!

Does this sound better? Any and all comments are really really helpful to me. Thank you all SO MUCH, especially you, EE!

***

Belle may have wanted something more exciting than her regular, boring life, but she certainly didn't expect her English teacher to be a witch. The Amnesia Door, a 60k word YA contemporary fantasy, tells how Belle discovers magic in her ordinary world and then fights to keep that magic in her life.

Although Belle and her classmates love it when their teacher, Ms. Wendt, turns the classroom into the Pyramids or an Ancient Greek amphitheater, they hate the fact that whenever they leave Ms. Wendt's room, they forget all about her magic. The memories come back when they re-enter the class, but for Belle, that's not enough. Her science teacher introduces her to alchemy, and Belle uses it to get around the door's magic. But then she learns that it was alchemy that made the door in the first place...and that an alchemist made her English teacher a prisoner of her own classroom. When Belle learns the real reason Ms. Wendt has been imprisoned, she must decide whether it is worth saving her teacher if it means she will never have magic of her own.

The Amnesia Door is aimed at the same teens who love Diana Wynne Jones or Justine Larbalestier. The story is loosely based on the Greek myth of Bellerophon and the chimera.


Kiersten said...So much better! Good job, Beth. But I would leave off the last paragraph.


BuffySquirrel said...Eh, uh, the Pyramids? in English class?


Moth said...Second go is much better. Although a little long. And I'm not crazy about the title. What about "Beyond the Blue Door"? :D

Also:

"The Amnesia Door, a 60k word YA contemporary fantasy "

I would move that to the bottom of the letter because it interrupted the flow for me. Maybe combine it with "The Amnesia Door is aimed at..." sentence into something like:

"The Amnesia Door, complete at 60K, is a YA contemporary fantasy loosely based on the Greek myth of Bellerophon and the chimera. It will appeal to fans of Diana Wynne Jones and Justine Larbalestier."

Second draft much better, tho. Oh, and I agree that this sounds more Middle Grade than YA.

Best of luck,


beth said...Kiersten--Thank you! Quick question--why leave off the last paragraph? Is it the mention of the myth, or the comparing to other works? I thought the myth might show the reasoning behind the name and add some interest, and I thought the comparison might show more along the lines of what audience I was looking for--something along the lines of less hard core fantasy.


Buffysquirrel--You're not the first to mention that! *sigh* I think I must teach an unusual world literature class...I'm the only teacher at my school to have her kids read The Book of the Dead.


Whirlochre said...Yes — lose the refs at the end, but otherwise, this is much better.


Kiersten said...The query itself makes it pretty obvious this isn't typical fantasy. Comparisons always sound slightly arrogant to me, and from what I've read, most agents don't like them, either.

As far as what it's based on, I really don't think agents are going to have a hard time with her name, and adding that it's based on a myth doesn't contribute anything to the query. It takes away from the momentum you've established.

Once again, just my opinion. But if Whirl seconds me, then I must be right. He's British, after all.


beth said...I do make it a habit to listen to British people. It's the Doctor Who influence. I'll take out that last paragraph...although I think I might change the beginning to be closer to Moth's suggestion--incorporate the myth into the info about the book.

Thanks again, all. Any further comments are really, really appreciated!


Xiexie said...The second version of the query is much better and gets everything across, and I was wondering the same thing about the English class. I do love unconventional teaching methods and materials; however, they're travels in learning through this magic seem more like a History class to me.

I don't find a huge problem with the final paragraph. I think such can show that the author knows his or her projected market. That's not bad, is it? (Anyone else care to chime in?)


beth said...I am a bit worried about so many people thinking it sounds like MG...once the kids discover the teacher is a prisoner (within the first 50 pages, btw), the story is a bit dark...it's not "pretty" magic, but fairly serious magic with some dark implications and results.

Does anyone have any ideas of how to show why I think my novel should be classified as YA?


Evil Editor said...Obviously a 12-year-old is more likely to have similar tastes to an 11-year-old than to an 18-year-old, so there's sure to be crossover between middle grade and YA. Certainly middle graders can handle dark magic without being traumatized.

Bookspot says: "Books written with young adults in mind confront issues that are of great importance to teens and their families. Coming of age, dating, fitting in, friendships, sex, drugs, self esteem, school, and relationships with parents and siblings are frequently addressed in young adult fiction. More than entertainment, these books can be a powerful learning and coping tool when a young reader connects with characters and what they are going through."

While this doesn't necessarily apply to all YA, it does suggest that mature issues are expected to come up in YA. So perhaps by leading with the fact that the new English teacher is a witch, you give the impression your book is for fifth to seventh graders rather than ninth to eleventh graders. If you're sure this book is YA, you could lead with something darker, but consider the possibility that younger people can stand dark books. Harry Potter is popular with middle grade kids, and often dark.


pacatrue said...If you want to add the snarky teenage attitude to the book, re-title it: Forget That!


beth said...Thanks, EE! I just signed up for my state's SCBWI conference, and one of the workshops is a comparison between MG and YA...think I'll be heading to that one first!


Stacy said...Buffysquirrel--You're not the first to mention that! *sigh* I think I must teach an unusual world literature class...I'm the only teacher at my school to have her kids read The Book of the Dead.

I would have so loved to be in your class.

The second letter is much better than the first. And I agree that you should lose the comparisons and the myth explanation at the end. It deflates the momentum you've built.


dave conifer said...For what it's worth, I'm in a similar situation. I'm querying something that I've been calling middle grade. Agents have been telling me that it's really YA (a little too dark for middle grade). But that isn't stopping them from reading it. I wouldn't sweat it. They know the fine line between the genres better than we do and if they like it, they'll work with you.

By the way, I have to be honest. I still don't understand how anybody can discuss the teacher and her magic outside the classroom given the blue door rule. I'm sure it's tight in the plot but for me it still isn't clear even in the newer query. But maybe it's just me.


dc said...Okay, now I get it. Alchemy allows the student, and also that other teacher, to get around the blue door rule.
If I 'forget' the first query letter than the logic of the second works for me now.


beth said...Thank you Stacy and Dave! And Dave, I am having a lot of trouble condensing a very complex plot into a query...there's actually an explanation for everything, even why she's a teacher and why she's been imprisoned in a school, but to try to pack it all into a query....argh. Writing the book was simpler.


150 said...Well that's your problem, then. You're not supposed to condense all that into the query letter. It should focus on the protagonist, what throws her life out of whack, and what she does about it. All that witchy backstory, when it comes to the query, is just noise.


Anonymous said...This certainly sounds interesting, and you've gotten some excellent feedback. I can't resist mentioning, though, that if the students are being introduced to the Book of the Dead, the pyramids at Giza would not be Choice #1 for a field trip. Either Saqqara (for the Pyramid Texts, ancestral to the BD), if you want pyramids; or Luxor, for the Valley of the Kings, the Tombs of the Nobles, etc.--New Kingdom tombs--would be much better spots.

Synopsis 37

Dear Evil Editor,

Here is my synopsis for the novel, I first did a chapter by chapter synopsis then this synopsis here it is.

                          
"got another one tonight baby." He said softly."That makes three, listen! Do you hear the sirens?""Do you hear the screaming?" Her smile seemed to grow again and he imagined that her tinted lips,Impulsively he bent  his head to kiss her lips.
                      From A Kiss before Strangling


The novel " A Kiss before Strangling" was written to add to the crime fiction book list; it is set in the fictional City and County of 1952 Tillman, Illinois; the point of view is told from the killer and Sgt. Younger. We introduce Sgt. Peter Younger and his girlfriend Sally Painter who was murdered. Sgt. Younger gets involved in the investigation to catch the killer. The two suspects are Tommy Davis who is the local theatre director who sleeps with Judy Walker, who is in the play while he has the hots for Sally Painter who is also in the play; the second suspect is Bob Green, a local newspaperman. The police Chief Jim Carter is summoned by the Mayor David Berk to talk about the Walker murder which he is catching hell about and to put pressure on the chief to solve the crime. It is revealed that Sally Painter had her lipstick smeared and later on it is tied to other murders. The killer does not rape or rob his victims. The date of the 25th of each month is the date the killer kills.
The newspaperman Bob Green is introduced as is the police identification officer at the Painter crime scene, it is later revealed that Green or Davis removed and switched the original prints from the Miller case because it had his name in them. The rift between the county sheriff and Chief Carter is revealed because the Sheriff is a political hack and the Chief has experience; the sheriff starts his investigation as all homicides are handled by the county sheriff, but the chief does not intend to share the case. Lieutenant Samuels and Jim Carter believe that the Helen Walker and Sally Painter murders are related. Sgt. Younger starts to go through the death records for the past six years to find related deaths. Sgt. Younger pulls in Joseph Zellinger an important man in the county cause his daughters death is suspicious, he throws Sgt. Younger out and the Chief issues an arrest warrant. It it revealed that the death which was the first actual murder of the killer was covered up by Inspector Allen Liebermann who was married and having an affair with Zellinger's daughter without Mr. Zellinger knowing, The Lieutenant, Chief and Sgt, younger now have three related murders. Zellinger threatens them with expulsion from the county if they say a thing.
It is learned that the first three victims all dated police officers and Lt. Samuels compiles a list of cops who have women. Officer Ben Saunders who is going out with Shirley Petrizza are being tailed by the killer who has chosen his next victim, Saunders was crossed off the list because he lied about having a women. The sheriff tried to frame an innocent man but is later foiled by the Chief. The Mayor, Chief, Lt. Samuels hash it out till the mayor reluctantly agrees with them on the methods of the killer. It is learned that the killer had a girl named Jenny Miller that lived in Tillman and died there six years ago; when her boyfriend gets released from prison he sees the crime scene prints and sees her in bra and panties laid out on the floor with what looks like bruises on her throat and he learns that a cop was there. He believes she was strangled and he wants the cops to suffer as he does; but the bruises are revealed to be grease that was on the hands of the cop who attempted CPR, (the killer does not know this) she committed suicide.
The sheriff in order to steal the glory from the Chief declares that March 25th a declaration of a state of emergency which is the next time the killer kills, since he will be top cop he gets the credit behind the chiefs back. Sgt. Younger finds the miller crime scene prints missing and that they were replaced. The police reveal what is being done to solve the murders. On Sunday March 23rd Lt. Samuels gives all the women dating cops special lipstick that will stain the lips of the killer. On the day of the murder police are assigned to all the women except Shirley. Sgt. Younger learns that Officer Ben Saunders has a women and yells at him while she is picked up by the killer who she knows because he eats at the soda shop she works at. The killer is revealed and as he flees the police he confesses to his last victim he is killed during the car chase and dies and the women lives.

This is the synopsis and the form I got out of a writers magazine I hope this does a better job that the query.

sincerely


Notes

Sorry, but it's tough love time, my friend. This isn't cutting it. Your writing ability hasn't reached the point at which you should be working on a query letter or a synopsis. You need to be working on what a sentence is. You need to learn the basic conventions of writing, This synopsis is filled with run-on sentences, comma splices, poor punctuation, grammatical errors, misspelled words...

Even when you master the fundamentals you'll be one of thousands of aspiring authors who've also mastered them, so the odds are against you if your goal is to make a living writing books. If your goal is simply to hold a copy of your book in your hand, it's not that expensive these days to have a few copies printed (by a book printer, not a publisher). You don't even need a query or synopsis if you self-publish.

Either way, you need to focus on shaping up your writing skills and then shaping up your book. After that you can worry about a query and a synopsis. Good luck.

New Beginning 1003

The day my mother sat us down and told us Dad had gone to live with a new family, I thought it was one of those things adults say when they don't want to deal with the truth. Not 'Your dad's dead' but 'Your dad's gone to live in the country where he can have lots of room to run about.'

It was exactly like that when Sam died.

For days, we'd sit on the stairs after school, me and my little brother, him snuggled up to me with his thumb in his mouth, and one dog above us and one below, and Mum'd answer the door and tell everyone and anyone that she couldn't deal with the paper bill or a letter that needed to be signed for or a complaint about where the car was parked, because her husband had left her.

Funny how angry I'd get. Hadn't he left us, too? Me and my brother and even the dogs.

But whatever way you looked at it, Dad was gone, gone beyond recall, and whether you had a funeral or waved at aeroplanes flying overhead in case they were going to Australia, where there was lots of room to run about, didn't matter. Didn't matter because it didn't change anything.

* * *

Derek emerged naked from the tepee and ruffled Sam's neck before they launched off across the meadow to chase butterflies and roll in the grass. This was freedom like he'd never known: no bills, no letters to sign for, no worries about where to park the car. He wished he'd made this move years ago. Only one thing worried him, niggling at the back of his mind: What on Earth would Brenda have told the kids?


Opening: BuffySquirrel.....Continuation: anon.




 

Face-Lift 1123

Guess the Plot

Better Lives

1. ...through SCIENCE! At least, that's what Toby Canola always believed. Then he took a job at UltraTech. Now he's packed up the SUV, stuffed the wife and kids in with the dog, and is heading out to live off the land in Wyoming...while there's still time.

2. Sam and Jenna it all until Sam's family curse came true and he barely survived his transition. Now she weeps all day and he kills at night. A werewolf in the family does NOT mean . . . better lives.

3. Marc wakes up in a mental institution and is told he killed his date Bethany by driving drunk. Suddenly life sucks. But the whole story's a sham! Marc's actually been kidnapped by aliens who replaced him with a doppelganger to prevent him from becoming the next Hitler, but then Marc discovers the aliens want planet Earth for themselves and it's up to him and Bethany to save us all.

4. Jai searches for a unicorn to harness it's power and save his sister. Shilli scours the forest for a human male to discover if the legends of their prowess is greatly exaggerated. They meet and lead . . . better lives.

5. An ad in Demonology Magazine is headlined "Better Lives." Just make a wish, provide some personal ID info, and sign on the dotted line. But you might want to read the fine print about what happens after death.

6. Everyone at Fenton High School thinks their life sucks, resulting in bad poetry and hormonal angst. Also, awkward teen sex scenes.

7. When a farmboy discovers he's got nine lives, he decides to spend them taking down the evil Empire of Kwhat, thereby impressing his girlfriend. When it turns out he was already on number nine, however, it falls to the girl to fix things up.

8. Ophiophobic Creek Flagstaff and insectophobic Trisha Winslow are doppers who long for more freedom to pursue their lifestyle. They hear Singapore is a laissez faire capitalist dream. So they fly there to open The Bong Shop and discover illegal drug trafficking is a capital offense. They flee into the Malay jungle. Will they find better lives with the snakes and insects?

9. Grandpa Curtis left the planet Saturday, and his old TV is getting incinerated Tuesday. Gloria and Bob are still stuck in the TV in a sitcom from the 60's. Can they escape and find their way into a new flat screen before Tuesday?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Thanks so much for this opportunity for evil feedback on BETTER LIVES, my 94,000 word YA science fiction novel, inspired by Dickens's A Christmas Carol. [Trivia note: My research reveals that every TV sitcom and every cartoon series ever produced that didn't get canceled before Christmas has done an episode inspired by A Christmas Carol. Let me put it in terms you'll understand. If you watched nothing but Christmas Carol adaptations 24 hours a day, to see all of them would take you from now until Christmas. Of the year 2378. And that doesn't include the thousands sure to be produced between now and 2378.]

Seventeen year-old prep school student Marc Andrews knows he’s a bad person, despite his nerdy roommate Tim’s best efforts to reform him. [I'd go with "is" rather than "knows he's."] Marc steals a test, blackmails a teacher, and takes advantage of yet another girl.  [Actually, this isn't grabbing me. Maybe it's the wishy-washy term "bad person." How about something like:

Marc Andrews attends an exclusive prep school, but he should be in reform school. He's stolen tests, blackmailed a teacher, taken advantage of more girls than he can remember . . . and that's just this semester.]

Then he meets Bethany. Not only hot, she calls him on his usual shit. He respects that. And he’s shocked to realize he genuinely likes her. But after their first date, Marc wakes up in a mental institution. He’s told he killed Bethany after passing out while driving drunk. Marc imagines life can’t get any more messed up…until [the ghost of Jacob Marley appears in his room.] [This is science fiction? It sounds like depressing litfic. When does the science fiction come in?] he discovers the loony bin’s a fake and he’s been kidnapped by aliens. [Ah.]

The aliens can see the future where Marc’s the President who starts World War III. After [Because] he proved himself unable to become a better person, they [they've] replaced him to prevent Earth’s destruction. Being an accidental murderer is [was] bad enough, but Marc’s shocked that he attains a Hitler-Stalin level of evil. [Or: Finding out he'd killed Bethany was bad enough; finding out he's destined to be the next Hitler is even worse!] And with the aliens’ empathy machine, he’s forced to experience his victims’ suffering from the averted future.

Marc’s initially grateful to his captors for preventing him from becoming a monster. That is, until he learns an alien faction, that includes the doppelgänger who replaced him, want Earth for themselves. And they’re conspiring to kick off Armageddon as previously scheduled. Marc can’t let the horrors he’s experienced happen for real. It’s up to him, with help from Bethany and Tim, to escape, save the planet, and maybe even become a decent human being in the process[.] [Then he wakes up, realizes the alien part was all a dream, and buys Bethany's grieving family a Christmas goose.]

I’m a member of the Northern Ohio SCBWI chapter and one of its critique groups. I’ve included (whatever writing sample and/or synopsis the agent wants). I’d be happy to provide the rest of the manuscript.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Kind regards,


Notes

Turned out we didn't need Tim in the query, as he did nothing except fail to reform Marc.

Despite the advance warning that it's science fiction, the appearance of the aliens is jarring. If you dump inspired by A Christmas Carol and open: I am seeking representation for BETTER LIVES, a 94,000 word YA science fiction novel in which aliens replace a teenager destined to become a 21st-century Hitler with an exact double, we might not be thinking, WTF? when the aliens appear.

Apparently the Armageddon the aliens are planning to kick off won't damage the planet they want as much as WWIII?

Seems like once they've replaced Marc, the aliens would kill him rather than keep him in a fake mental institution that he might escape from. Do they need him for something? 

Is the doppelganger supposed to become president and then help the bad guys kick off Armageddon? If so, why don't they just replace the current president instead of replacing Marc and waiting 20 years for fake Marc to become president?

If the faction that wants Earth for themselves is gonna wait 20+ years to make their move, maybe they should be replacing whoever's gonna be China's leader in 20+ years.

New Beginning 1002

Tasting the acid burning my throat, I question the logic of honoring Uncle Sal’s bet. One pill would erase the pain of my knotted stomach, and the bottle’s just sitting in my purse.

Still, fifty bucks is pricey for one valium.

Grandpa’s gold cross digs into my palm. I open my fist and set it on the podium, then take a sip of water and swallow back what breakfast I didn’t lose down the girls’ room toilet last period. I glance at the crowd. Those kids who aren’t gaping open-mouthed aren’t bothering to pay attention at all. God, just, help me finish this. Please.

Mr. Garcia, my computer watchdog, scratches the jagged Iraq memento on his arm and nods as if granting me permission to continue. My sister Meghan smiles wide and warm, her blue eyes shining in the auditorium’s harsh light. Her eager thumbs-up encourages me.

I clear my throat. “Tallying the price of freedom takes a pretty complicated equation. First, add the number of flag-draped caskets returning from the frontline to the number of tears cried by children who have a shiny medal instead of a parent. Then, multiply that by the number of disabled vets and multiply again by those suffering post-traumatic stress disorder. Because the true price of freedom is counted in damaged lives, not dollars spent. See, without that ultimate price no freedom is bought, no peace is established.”

I end with a hoarse, “Thank you,” and take my seat beside Kyle Connors.

Kyle leans too close. “Why’d you even bother, Loony? I got this.”

I want to punch him (and collect off Aunt Madge), but I left my fist on the podium.

Kyle steps confidently to the podium. With one swift motion he pulls a pistol from his jacket and fires six shots into the ceiling. "America!" he yells. "Fuck YEAH!"

He brings the house down. When the applause lets up (and the last bit of ceiling finishes raining down), Mr. Garcia steps to the front and hands Kyle the debate tournament trophy. 


Opening: Veronica Rundell
Continuation: Khazar-khum/anon.

Okay, okay, send your openings.

It's clear that if we limit this blog to query critiques, there'll be nothing here most of the time, so we're now taking openings again. There may still be nothing, but there'll be twice as much nothing.

At the moment there's one title in the Query Queue waiting for fake plots, and one opening awaiting a continuation (link in sidebar).