Evil Editor's Blog, page 137

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Damage Control

1. Fifteen years ago the girls of indy-rock band Damaged Goods swore they'd never speak to each other again. But when a teen pop star tops the charts with a bubbly cover of their grunge anthem, these four very different women suddenly have a damn good reason for a reunion tour.

2. Jillian is the damage control expert for the Lansing Redbirds, doing her best to keep the athletes' sexcapades and arrests from overwhelming the hockey team. But can she keep her cool when new goalie Paul Frontiere comes to town?

3. Superhero/Supervillain battles are ruining the city. Dewey Dunholm, a public works consultant, has a solution: legally force super-powered combatants to fight within zones scheduled for demolition. Urban renewal becomes cheap, and Dewey is a hero. Then a television promoter with a spandex fetish begins broadcasting the fights to stellar ratings, and Dewey loses control of the system. Can he shut down "Damage Control" before the upcoming Mega Brawl levels the entire city?

4. Floyd Harrison was used to waking up cotton-mouthed, head pounding, with no money and even less of an idea where he was. But the dead blond next to him in bed comes as a complete surprise. As does the safe deposit box key in his pocket. Now he's got to piece together what happened during his recent bender while staying one step ahead of the cops, a man with a scar across his knuckles, and a hotel clerk who demands payment for what Floyd did to the sheets.

5. Seventeen-year-old Lena Philips wasn't happy to discover that a secret militaristic society of time travelers moved into her grandmother's house, and have targeted Lena for assassination--until she fell in love with one of them. But if her future happiness depends on living out her life in the Jurassic period with her true love, will she have what it takes?

6. When a werewolf rampage ends, when your uncle the vampire moves in, when ghosts start partying in the yard and you don't want the neighbors to know, you call in Padre Felipe to handle . . . Damage Control.



Original Version

Dear agent:

Chase Baker's rules started out harmless enough. Rule one: keep hold of his hand. Two: remain calm. Three: always close her eyes. That was all reasonable before seventeen year old Lena Philips knew he was preparing her for time travel. [I think you have this backwards. If I know I'm being prepared for time travel, I might find these rules reasonable. But before I know about the time travel, if someone simply says, "Hold my hand, close your eyes, and stay calm," I'm breaking all of the rules immediately.]

When the Baker family moved into her late grandmother's house, Lena knew there was something strange lurking behind their charming smiles, and she was determined to find out what it was. She had no idea that her spying would uncover a secret society that has been influencing history, [There's really no need to tell us she had no idea; of course she had no idea. Even the most paranoid conspiracy theorist wouldn't suspect a secret society of history influencers were living in her grandmother's house.] or that it would force her to rely on Chase Baker, the middle brother, who seemed to instantly despise her. But after she is attacked by a strange man, who confirms her suspicion, [Not clear how getting attacked by a strange man confirms that there is something strange lurking behind the Baker family's charming smiles. Is that the suspicion he confirms?] and saved by Chase, she is forced to choose [decide] what is more important to her: solving the mystery or her own life. For her the choice is obvious. Mysteries have always been her thing. [On the other hand, they're easier to solve if you're alive.]

After a failed attempt to break-in [break in.] to the Baker's house, [Bakers' house.] [Better yet, the Bakery.] Chase finally reveals to Lena that her attacker and his entire family are part of a militaristic society of time travelers, and that her snooping and his confession have marked them as targets. [There's no need to target her, as the likelihood that she bought Chase's "militaristic society of time travelers" line is zero. She knows guys'll make up ridiculous credits to get a babe into the sack.] Chase chooses to defy the society that has raised him and protect Lena from the fury of assassins they are about to unleash. Now Chase and Lena must try and control the damage they have caused.. [What damage have they caused? So far all they've done is fail to break into a house.] What they didn't plan on was falling in love along the way. [Like money and sex, in-laws are often an obstacle to a couple's happiness, and never so much as when they unleash assassins targeting you.]

I'm seeking representation for Damage Control, a young adult urban fantasy completed at 76,000 words. The continuation of this series, which has yet to be titled, has been outlined. [Suggestions for future titles in series: Cruise Control, Remote Control, Arms Control, Birth Control.]

The completed synopsis, partial or full manuscript of Damage Control are available upon further request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

This is mostly the set-up. You can set up the situation for us in two or three sentences, leaving room to tell us about the exciting things that happen. I assume they escape the assassins by time traveling. If so, say so. I assume we find out some things the bad guys have done to influence history. How about an example? Time travel is your hook, might as well use it. Especially if Lena and Chase escape, only to land in the middle of the Battle of Waterloo.

I expect to see something supernatural/magical/fantastical in any kind of fantasy. If time travel is the only speculative aspect, maybe this is YA science fiction. Or YA time-travel romance.


Selected Comments

writtenwyrdd said...Like money and sex, in-laws are often an obstacle to a couple's happiness, and never so much as when they unleash assassins targeting you.

You know, if you started with EE's line, I'd have my attention caught but good. The specifics you cite are not strong enough. We need to know what damage she does by discovering the truth and a bit about the struggle to save her life. Sounds rather hum-drum so far, so give us something that makes your paranormal romance stand out.


benwah said...A secret militaristic society that has changed history targets a teenage girl for assassination. This raises a plausability problem for me. If they've succeeded in changing history, surely they can take care of a few meddling kids?

The militaristic crew might stick out in suburbia.


Evil Editor said...And if they're having trouble killing her now, they could go back in time and kill her when she's a baby.


Sarah Laurenson said...Usually the sequels have similar titles. Possibilities: Cruise Control, Remote Control, Arms Control, Air Traffic Control, Birth Control.

Love these titles for a sequel.

And WW is right. EE's line about the in-laws is a great opening.


Anonymous said...Thanks so much for the great feedback. I'm already coming up with ways to get more specific and ditch the lines and lines of set up.

There are reasonable explanations for the society targeting her and also why they can't go back and kill her when she is a baby. Sadly, some of these things won't be revealed in the first novel but if it's a major problem, it my be worth some re-writing.

Again thanks!


writtenwyrdd said...I don't think the inability to kill her as an infant will necessarily be important if you handle it appropriately. You likely need not mention it at all in the query.


Sarah from Hawthorne said...I would like to know a bit more about Lena and Chase's motivation. What kind of 17 year old girl cares more about mysteries than her own life? Is she naive? Is she overly self confident? Is she suicidal? And what does Chase see in her that would make him defy his family and betray their secret? Especially when that means the assassins will be coming for HIM?

Their behavior isn't out of the realm of possibility, but it is rather extreme. I'd like more detail to clarify how their actions come from their characters and not from need to advance the plot.


talpianna said...Awww--I was hoping it was #1. And in the list of future titles, you left out PORTION CONTROL, in which Gordon Ramsay saves the world from aliens trying to destroy us with high-calorie snack foods.

I agree with the other suggestions, especially starting with EE's zinger.

The "reasonable explanations" for why some of the things can't be done need to be up front, because your readers are going to be smart enough to ask the questions. For instance, why can't they just strand her somewhere in the past--like London during the Black Death?

I'd think a modern teen would have more modern means to investigate mysterious people than trying repeatedly and ineffectively to break into a house. How about googling the people to see if they have genuine pasts or just appeared out of nowhere six months ago? Or saving up her allowance to buy spyware like cameras and microphones?

And it is SF rather than fantasy.


benwah said...Author, not to raise a thorny question, but why leave things to your second book? (You yourself say "sadly.") At the very least, you should plug the plot holes that crop up in the query.


wendy said...Why are the time travelers "militaristic" and how does that reality play into the story?

Also I would like to hear more about daily life as a time-traveler. Do they age? Can they backup life like a Tivo when they miss something? Is his homework ever late? Are there rules to time travel. How does the "pause" button work? And so on and so on and so on...which means you must have an interesting idea here, (at least to me) because I want to know much more about it.

Good luck with the story!


Elissa M said...Time travel is one of the hardest type stories to write because of the inherent paradoxes involved (you can't go back and kill your own grandfather- or can you?).


Dave F. said...In fiction, you have to set up a set of self-consistent rules that seem logical (even if they are scientifically impossible.) There are ways to make time travel work that permit a character to kill his/her parents or grandparents.


Evil Editor said...Actually, I'm pretty sure you don't need time travel to kill your parents or grandparents. Just a gun.


Anonymous said...Benwah, the reason some things are left to the second novel is that the first one is about time travelers, or timelinks. The second novel is about Lena coming into her own and becoming something completely different, an opposite to time travelers (which seems strange written like that but does work when written about in detail). Trying to get the audience used to timelinks, which is what Chase and his family are, is the mission of this novel. Adding in another big secret and all just seems like overkill. In this novel it is mentioned several times very subtly that there are strange things about Lena but the full idea is a novel length one and deserves to be presented as such. For this first novel though, it's sufficent enough to say that timelinks can't see her future.


December/Stacia said...Yeah, I gotta admit, I'd be wondering like crazy why the bad guys didn't go back and kill her in infancy, or go back and not buy her late grandmother's house, or whatever. You don't have to explain it in the query but there should at least be something about it in the book, because I'm the sort of grump who would read it and get irritated and wonder if the author ever even heard of the Terminator movies, at least.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Sangre de Cristo

1. In the Sangre de Cristo Mountains, a young man embarks on an epic journey to obtain a wagonload of dry goods with which to begin a career as a tradesman. Also, sophisticated intangibles.

2. Circus entertainer Joe Cristo was a great juggler, until he tried it with knives. Now occupational therapist Betty Jane Rumbaugh must help him find a new profession, which won't be easy what with Joe being a quadriplegic.

3. Hip Santa Fe artist Sage Barrens gets a day job waitressing in a little cafe. One day a customer finds a tortilla that doesn't just have the figure of Jesus on it -- it also bleeds. Soon pilgrims flock to the cafe, and Sage is making a fortune in tips. But then the blood is found to be that of Sage's missing ex-husband . . . and her career really takes off.

4. As a small child in Kansas, international superspy Mae Wong studied Japanese culture at Joe's Little Princess Tea School, until she discovered the sinister old Tea Master was really a double agent working for the notorious Sangre de Cristo gang. After foiling their plot to transfer control of civilization to an old man at the Vatican, she goes on to topple Communism and has her way with Hollywood producer Thor Jones.

5. Archaeologist Montana Smith suffers disillusionment when, after a lifetime of searching, she discovers the Holy Grail. The cup itself is unremarkable, but Montana becomes a pariah when tests reveal that it was filled not with Sangre de Cristo--the actual blood of Christ--but with Sangria de Cristo . . . a mediocre Spanish wine concoction.

6. Six characters who all have terminal illnesses, defective libidos, and psychiatric problems compare their medications, contemplate the wallpaper and manifest their various pathologies in a way that is horrible, yet mesmerizing to behold.




Original Version

Please accept my query for SANGRE DE CRISTO, a character-based historical novel set in New Mexico at the time of Mexico’s independence from Spain in 1821. It is the story of three men from different cultures caught in the clash between Spain’s declining empire and America’s emerging one.

Kincaid is an entrepreneurial lad from Missouri, Manuel is a disenfranchised peasant from Taos, and Joe is a philosophical, black American slave. They struggle through the turmoil caused by the Mexican revolution and the arrival of the first Americans. Young Joshua Kincaid suffers numerous physical and emotional challenges as he grows to manhood and navigates through the alien ways of church, state, combat, treacherous love, slave raids, bitter rivalries, and struggle to become a trader on the Santa Fe Trail. [Remove most of the items from that list. Better yet, remove the whole sentence.] He is mentored by Joe [He's mentored by a slave? Whose slave is Joe? How does Kincaid have contact with Joe?] who is the moral compass of the book, and befriended by Manuel who is in danger of slipping into peonage. Kincaid is seduced by Maria, Manuel’s daughter, so Kincaid will help her father capture and sell slaves to avoid selling himself into servitude.

[Maria. 
I just met a girl named Maria. 
And suddenly, 
I'm deeply involved in the slave trade.] 

Kincaid’s acts on the slave raid trouble him greatly and estrange him from Joe, Maria, and Manuel. ["I didn't mind helping you capture and sell people into lifetimes of slavery; I just wish we'd done it with more humanity."] After traveling to St. Louis to obtain financing and to buy trade goods,

[Banker: What can I do for you?

Kincaid: I need financing to buy goods, which I will take one thousand miles to the badlands of New Mexico and trade for stuff. Then I'll return and pay you back with my profits.

Banker: No, seriously, what can I do for you?]

Kincaid returns to Taos in triumph [Apparently he managed to get some goods to trade. I think calling him "triumphant" is overdoing it.] [Wait, the triumph is that he rode two thousand miles in the old west without getting killed.] to battle one rival and to find Maria pregnant and married to another. [How do you solve a problem like Maria?]

Underlying the story is the thesis that Spanish colonial policy failed New Mexicans economically, socially, militarily, and religiously, and trade with Americans opened new opportunities. [Put the blame on Spain, boys.] The book is the first volume of a series about America’s conquest of New Mexico in 1846. [I hope the book is the first in a series of novels set against the backdrop of America's conquest of New Mexico. The way you're describing it, it's a history book.]

A major theme is slavery which was pervasive in what is now the American southwest. In fact, New Mexico was the last state to abolish slavery. [Not exactly relevant, as New Mexico wasn't a state until 1912. Also, Mississippi didn't ratify the 13th (anti-slavery) amendment until 1995.] Various forms are contrasted: traditional enslavement of blacks and Indians, peonage, and the church’s exploitation of pueblo [Pueblo.] Indians at missions. A particularly dramatic episode is a slave raid to steal Navajo children. Religious issues are also explored. Hence the title which means Blood of Christ. It is also the name of the mountains of Santa Fe and Taos. [I don't need to know any of this stuff. Focus on the main characters.]

The novel will be controversial because the story presents many subjects deliberately ignored in American history. I have researched the subjects meticulously and can support every assertion I have made. [In fact, three fourths of the book is footnotes and appendices.]


Hampton Sides’ BLOOD AND THUNDER and Luis Alberto Urrea’s THE HUMMINGBIRD’S DAUGHER [Daughter] and THE DEVIL’S HIGHWAY have demonstrated that a large market exists for books dealing with the borderlands. All three have been bestsellers, and their movie rights have been optioned. [Thus it's safe to assume that my book will be a bestseller and it's movie rights will be optioned.]

I won the Southwest Writers’ Group’s national contest for historical fiction in 2000 with the genesis of this story. I became interested in the period while a professor at the University of New Mexico.

I look forward to promoting the book. I have extensive experience selling sophisticated intangibles ([Grace, charm, class, refinement,] software, securities, data, etc.), I’m an engaging public speaker, and I have many contacts in the southwest who are librarians, deans, university presidents, and a former governor of New Mexico.

A synopsis, chapter outline, sample chapters, and manuscript of 90,000 words are available for your review.

Thank you for considering my work.


Notes

It's a historical novel. We expect it to be historically accurate, but we don't expect you to be defending your assertions. We don't even expect you to have assertions. We read novels for the stories. We want to know the main plot.

It appears the main plot is a man leaves behind his companions and makes a thousand-mile trip to St. Louis in 1821, loads a wagon with dry goods, and makes another thousand-mile trip back, only to find the woman who seduced him once is married to his rival. Is that really it?

It would be more exciting if Kincaid were going to St. Louis for weapons so they could attack the slave traders. After surviving attacks by Indians and outlaws, he rides in triumphantly with rifles, and the cavalry, and they save the day. Instead, you have him riding in triumphantly with a wagonload of salt pork and gingham.

We don't mind learning a little history while reading a novel, but the history is not the story. The people are. Make us care about the characters. The book may be different, but the query sounds like you couldn't decide whether to write a novel or a textbook.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...I have extensive experience selling sophisticated intangibles (software, securities, data, etc.)

Hey, if you're the guy who skimmed my credit card number, let's keep it our little secret. Whoever you sold it to, they spend less than my wife did.*

*I assert that this is an historically accurate representation of that old joke.


December/Stacia said...Author, the obvious intensity of your research makes the book seem more interesting to me than the query itself does, but EE is right. What's the story? I don't want to read a novel that's just a history lesson thinly wrapped around a plot outline, and I don't really want to read a story that's just an excuse to teach A Message about slavery or whatever either. Some of the language here also feels a bit clunky to me.


talpianna said...Shades of--dare I say it?--Cassie Edwards. This one goes a bit too far in the opposite direction. Is there such a thing as over-documentation?


Anonymous said...That query made my head hurt. It definitely sounds like you were trained to write for an academic audience and are not entirely clear on how that differs from the ways of fiction. Maybe the book is good, but you need to subdue the professor who took over this query and manifest your inner Steinbeck a little more.

Historical fiction is legend. Phase II of your work as a novelist is to sell the legend you wrote, hopefully to a million people. Will specialists in the history of New Mexico find this book accurate and true in every detail? Hopefully not because A] It's fiction. And B] who cares? They would not be a significant portion of your audience.

Pitching a story is not much like selling your scholarly tome to university libraries and specialists in your field. As EE points out, this sounds like the book may be long on historical accuracy and short on plot/story. The movie ADAPTATION deals with one writer's struggle with this exact dilemma, so if you haven't seen it, you might find it sparks insight.


writtenwyrdd said...When I read the letter, I felt that you are trying to sell us on the theme more than on the story.

Also, the description of the plot as written is offputting from the slave trade angle.

This sounds like it could be a good story, so when you revise, I'd suggest focusing on explaining the connections between the characters and the story a bit more and ditching the talk of the themes.


Robin S. said...Don't worry- it's painful to listen to this stuff, but in the end, it's worth it. Better to know now than when your query is out there in the world. And maybe a university press would be fine with your query- I don't, honestly, know.

What I do know is, there are people here who've had good success with queries preciesly because they've attended EE's 'academy from hell.'

I like the scene you submitted over the weekend, by the way, which I'm guessing is from your novel.


Wes said...Thank you, Evil Editor and company. I learned a lot, including to use my spell checker and to find my inner Steinbeck. I clearly agree with you that selling the story is most important. I thought I had done that, but evidently missed the mark (a 19th century phrase concerning shooting contests). I felt I needed to assure people, particularly those east of the Hudson River, that the Spanish brought horrors to the southwest nearly a century before the Pilgrims set foot on Plymouth Rock. At any rate, this has been great fun (?), and my next draft will benefit from it.

And, yes, robin s, the scene I submitted of Kincaid’s beating leads to his banishment from the American trading party, and he must learn to survive in an alien culture.

See what you think of my new beginnings which might appear soon.


Ali said...When you describe your characters at the beginning of the query, it feels like you're labeling them: "Entreprenurial lad," "disenfranchised peasant. For a character-driven novel, try to find something about each of the characters that will make us want to know them. What makes Kincaid unique and endearing to you? That's what's going to capture interest in your query. Well, that and the plot, of course. And maybe try to get some of the voice from your novel into the query, too.

Face-Lift 1122

Guess the Plot

Law of the Pack

1. All liquids must be 3oz or less. No explosives, sharp items, tools greater than seven inches in length, firearms (or realistic firearm replicas), or snow globes larger than a tennis ball. Checked bags weighing more than 50 lbs will incur a surcharge.

2. . . . 103.b.6: Notwithstanding the circumstances in 103.b.5, an omega who proceeds to consume an elk carcass without first waiting for the alpha to eat his fill shall be subject to any combination of the following punishments at the alpha's discretion: growling, snarling, nipping, biting of the ankles, biting of the tail . . .

3. Originally, there were two laws of the pack, but the governing committee felt oversight was too onerous. So, the bylaws were reorganized into a single law from which all rights and responsibilities, stated or implied, were immediately granted, forthwith.....
 
4. Both candidates for the position of adviser to the king and queen want the help of 13-year-old Dara. But Dara doesn't care about court politics. She's more interested in her pack of dogs.

5. When a large midwestern state places severe limits on cigarette purchases, smuggling begins and a new black market is born. Soon bloody turf wars break out between rival dealers.

6. Rolfe endangers himself when he breaks the first law of the pack: don't talk about the pack. Then, he narrowly escapes having his throat ripped out after breaking the second law of the pack (don't talk about the pack!). Also, a lot of pack-talk.

7. After witnessing a tryst between high-priestess and pack-leader, Unbar is shunned. Now, he must break the law of the pack, risking his life to save his abandoned family from impending volcanic eruption.

8. On his way to a shoplifting deposition, unlucky lawyer Larry Futz gets bitten by a werewolf. Soon he's sharpening his fangs on chew toys and howling at the moon. Can he still win the trial...and the heart of the hot paralegal?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor

Summer is drawing to a close, and with the end of the season, the fey are making their preparations for the changing over to the Winter Courts. Even for a small town in the middle of nowhere, the changing of a court is a pretty big deal; old jobs are terminated, [Yawn.] new positions introduced, and the King and Queen of each district take a personal interest in their staff for the new season. [Snore.] Even though she's required to entertain at court, thirteen-year old Dara [Finally. A character.] has no interest in politics. Her priorities are her Pack of fey-linked dogs, trying to tame her unstable and fluctuating magics, annoying her social worker Elise, avoiding the bullies at school—but most of all, trying to find a way to escape from the care home and find her birth family. [Usually "priorities" are listed in order from top to bottom, so finding the top one at the bottom threw me a bit. Possibly that's just me. If not, you could call them her main concerns or her main pursuits.]

Elise insists they have no record of Dara’s history—half-fey babies get dumped all the time and the best thing for everyone is for Dara to give up, move on and behave herself. [That sounds a bit harsh coming from a social worker. Is this a different kind of social worker?] Especially with the reshuffling of the courts coming up, which Elise sees as the perfect opportunity to gain the coveted position of advisor to King and Queen Fey. [Those are the names they go by? King Fey and Queen Fey? Isn't that like the queen of England calling herself Queen Human?] [Besides which, kings and queens go by their first names.] Dara is set to perform in the Folk Week festival at the end of summer, and her presence before Queen Fey could make all the difference in Elise’s job application—if Dara co-operates. [Co-operates in some way other than performing? What does Elise want her to do?]

Dara sees no reason why she should help Elise get anything. Besides, Elise’s rival Druth offers a tempting proposition—help him keep his job [As current adviser, I assume?] and he’ll help Dara escape the social care system and finance her search for her family. She just has to run one or two errands for him first. [Not clear if the errands are in addition to helping him keep his job (by not cooperating with Elise) or if all he wants from her is the errands. With his job at stake he wouldn't pile on demands to the point she might say No.] Dara doesn’t trust Druth anymore than she likes Elise, but with her latest escape attempt leaving her officially grounded, she doesn’t have any choice but to accept his help. [Does he have any other choice if he doesn't get her help?] But Druth’s errands prove far more dangerous than expected, [What are they?] and with Elise constantly breathing down her neck and Folk Week looming, it’ll be a miracle if Dara ever manages to escape at all.

LAW OF THE PACK is an 80,000 word urban fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

The word "reshuffling" suggests a randomness to who gets which job, that they shuffle the jobs and deal them out. If the applications and the Folk Week festival are major determinants, it doesn't seem anything is shuffled.

What is the "care home"? Some kind of orphanage? Why is Dara "required" to entertain at court?

It seems to me that running away is Dara's goal. "Escaping" would apply if she were a prisoner. Is she? Obviously they don't want her running away, but is she locked up?

It's well-written, but it's all setup. You can set it up in one paragraph, something like:

Thirteen-year-old Dara has no interest in the politics of the Fey court. However, her social worker Elise and Elise's rival Druth both want Dara's help to gain the coveted position of adviser to the king and queen. Druth has a bargaining chip: he'll help Dara escape the social care system and search for her family--if she'll steal the magical scissors of Endor for him.


Now there's plenty of room to tell us what happens. Does Dara take on the dangerous errands? Does Druth betray her? If not, does she go after her family and does Elise try to stop her? This is your story; it needs to be in the query. And it needs specificity.

Based on the title and the fact that the word "Pack" was inexplicably capitalized, I assume the dogs play a more crucial role than you've let on.

Dara enters the 1st paragraph late, and Elise feels like the main character in the 2nd paragraph. Keep us focused on Dara, start to finish.

Face-Lift 1121

Guess the Plot

The Blonde Top: Supermodel

1. He's blonde and a supermodel, but he's got hot-guy problems: men ride his coattails to pick up the scraps, and no decent women will trust him. So, essentially, it's Notting Hill II, The Dude's Dilemma.

2. In this tell-all memoir, 90's cover model Cherysea gives the straight dope on how she rocked heroin-chic weeks before the uppity Kate Moss arrived on the catwalk.

3. While legions adore Stacy's girl-next-door appearance, no one is aware she's a supermodel of a different sort: a cyborg sent back from the near future to target Kate Upton before she breeds. SI's swimsuit edition has never been this toasty.

4. Luciana is blonde, uniquely beautiful, and on top of the fashion-model world. She even has a Facebook persona: The Blonde Top. Enter egocentric, evil, envious Lebart, Brazilian supermodel extraordinaire and we have the makings of a rivalry that just may lead to a catfight on the catwalk.

5. Ashley is a hair model. With her spectacular golden locks and stunning smile, she's a star at all the big hair and cosmetology shows. Jeff, her favorite photographer, adores her, but knows he has no chance against the movie stars and bigwigs that usually date her. When Hurricane Abernathy traps them together in a Florida hotel, will he finally get his chance to impress her?

6. Shenandoah always knew she was different. The other toys in the box would stare and sometimes whistle. One day she gets a look at herself in the mirror. Her blonde hair has a top sewn in! Plus she's better looking than Barbie. Buzz Lightyear leaves the toy box with Shenandoah as they venture to the city so she can pursue her dream of being a model. Also, a stalker Barbie with a stuffed crocodile.


Original Version

Dear:
       
What person in this modern world does not fantasize with being famous?; What girl does not dream with be a supermodel? [Uh oh. Either we have an ESL issue or this query was written by a blonde supermodel. Either way we're in trouble.]

My book is called "the blonde top: supermodel". The original Spanish title would be "La Rubia Top". It is complete and consists of 20 chapters and about 250 pages of a book and 185 in Word. The genre of the book is the saga fiction.

Description:

Luciana Mia Seillann is a 20 year old girl with a unique beauty. Born in Argentina. The story begins [Forget the story. Make the book a photo album devoted entirely to Luciana. I'll buy it.] when in a holiday trip in Los Angeles United States, is approached by a model manager (Rick). [Poor, naive Luciana. Don't trust him, Lu! (Can I call you Lu?) He just wants to get you into the porn industry. You're better than that. You could have your own reality show.] This gives her a card, and then insists on facebook to Start your career in the world of modalaje.

Her ["]friend["] Cecilie, convinces.

That was always his dream, the blonde top (nickname using Internet five years ago), added photos to their websites and had many fans and admirers. Many people knew her.

So it was that after a year became one of the most famous and important models in the world. For her charisma and beauty quickly conquer to the principal organizers of the fashion shows, his way of pose for the cameras makes transcend their photographs and the audience stay impressed and delighted with their photo campaigns.

It has a lot of work. Always traveling and having a new adventure. The characters that crosses are recurrent, some very picturesque. His biggest rivalry is in the hands of Lebart, another model Brazilero. Egocentric, evil, envious. And it has another opponent who is a rapper trendy in America, Pitt.

Photographic campaigns, fashion shows, fashion week, promotions, events, commercial. This girl's life is completely crazy, but she lives in a very amusing.
It features ironic and sarcastic humor typical of the world in which we live.

What she does not know yet, is that letting the wrong people in his life, [One subtlety of English you need to grasp is pronoun agreement. "He," "him," and "his" are for males, while "she," "her," and "hers" are for females. Calling a woman "him" is confusing; calling a person "it" is insulting (and could brand you as a serial killer).] and doing what they say, will have many setbacks and complicated relationships.

But as all the "good" has something bad .. will be conscious of what is happening around her? ...Can she imagine the things that will happen in the next few years?...

Who knows it? .....


Note from author: I live in Argentina with my parents, I'm an only child. I have 20 years. This is the first book I write. Now I'm writing the sequel, the second part. This is called "the blonde top: Secret Love".



Notes

If you are Luciana and this is your memoir and you need someone with whom to work very closely to make it perfect, I'm your man.

If you translated your book into English, I'm sorry to report that your English isn't good enough yet. It's better than my Spanish, but I took French as my foreign language.

I recommend trying to sell the book in Spanish; if it's good enough to get published, and the publisher or your agent can sell English-language rights, it will be translated by someone proficient in both languages. Which is not to say you shouldn't continue to improve your English language skills.

Before you can sell it in Spanish you'll need a query letter that sells the story. What you have here is a list of random things that happen to Luciana; you need to focus on the crucial event that changes her life. Who or what threatens to bring her down after she reaches the top? What does she do about it? What goes wrong? Make us care about her.

The title is weird. Call your books Supermodel and Secret Love. The Blonde Top doesn't make much sense.

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1119 has submitted a revised version and requests your input. It's in the comments there.

Holy Crap

To celebrate, a collection of some of the more laugh-inducing items to have appeared here.


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Dear Cruel Lord of Print:

Your profile at Agent Query indicated you had an interest in urban fantasy. Please consider representing my contribution to the genre, The Wayfarer, an adventure novel told in 100,000 words.

Mallory used to be a vampire. Then his brother, Veratrum, a stronger vampire (perhaps the strongest vampire) [Dracula is the strongest vampire. Don't you know anything?] killed him. However, Mallory rose again, [Was he killed with a stake through his heart? Because if vampires can return after that, there's no hope for humanity.] this time as a wayfarer, one who stalks the physical and astral planes. Possessed of humanity, he condemns the sins of his former life and swears vengeance on Veratrum [Who would name their kid Veratrum? I Googled it, it's a plant. Also a homeopathic remedy for dozens of things, and that's just under the heading of "Stool." For instance, you supposedly should take Veratrum if your stool is any of the following:

Strong and sharp (acrid), corrosive, wearing away skin; bilious; black; brown; copious; flaky; forcible, sudden, gushing; frequent; green; hard; involuntary; involuntary during flatulence; large; mucous, slimy; odourless; thin, liquid; watery; like rice water.

Veratrum is also recommended for the following symptoms (among hundreds):

Feeling excessively religious; vomiting during diarrhea; face that appears dead; craving refreshing things; imperceptible pulse; collapse after diarrhea; shrunken hands; shrieking.]
and all who serve him. Over a century of failures has stretched Mallory’s patience and forced him to compromise more and more of his ideals in service of his oath. [A century? If you've been seeking revenge on someone for over a century and consistently failing, you have to be the most incompetent wayfarer of them all.] [A zombiefied vampire stalking the astral plane in search of vengeance needs a scarier name than The Wayfarer. He'd have killed Veratrum long ago, but he walks in and it goes:

Mallory: Prepare to die, Veratrum.

Veratrum: Who's gonna kill me?

Mallory: It is I . . . The Wayfarer!

Veratrum (laughing): Hey minions, check it out. The Wayfarer. Run for your lives!

Minions (laughing hysterically as they pummel Mallory): Ooo, the Wayfarer. Save us Master.]
The final assault begins with the rescue of Aethe, a woman Veratrum wants as more than just prey. What exactly he wants with her, Mallory does not know, and when she refuses to tell, Mallory keeps her with him under the guise of protection. The same for Claud, a bystander Mallory carjacks in his flight with Aethe, who manages to get bit by one of Veratrum’s minions. The bite, of course, infects Claude with the Nosferatu. [Quick, give him two tablespoons of Veratrum.] In order to keep the man pacified, Mallory claims there is a cure, but really he wants to use the disease in Claud’s veins to track Veratrum. [The closer they get to Veratrum, the brighter Claud glows.] [Make up your mind how Claud(e) spells his name.]
They take shelter with Mallory’s friends, who are happy to help until they discover where they rank in relation to Mallory’s fevered thirst for revenge. Unable to hear their words over the roar of his obsession, rationalizing his every betrayal, Mallory makes a bargain with another vampire: Aethe for Veratrum. [How can this other vampire deliver Veratrum? Veratrum is stronger. Is it just because it's two against one? In an entire century of trying to kill Veratrum, this is the first time Mallory's thought of enlisting help? What about Veratrum's minions? They're not going to stand by while Mallory and Claud kill Veratrum.] Can he go through with it? At what price vengeance?

I am as yet unpublished. The first five pages are enclosed, as well as an SASE for your response. Thank you for your time,


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TITLE: Shadow of Doubt

Query - Plot: [If these two lines are part of the query, get rid of them. They're wasting space.]

What happens when you fall for the one you are forbidden to love? [In my case, I sit around my home every night watching TV and wondering if Julia Roberts will ever remove the restraining order.] When destiny takes over everything you fought to control, that which was forbidden could now destroy you. [This is all too vague to have any meaning, and will presumably be restated below with specificity. Dump it.]

Erebus is a Shadow, an immortal night dweller, walking the Earth for the last century. [You don't need to be immortal to have walked the Earth for the past century. Just really old.] By day he is the occlusion of a payphone, [Say what? What does that even mean? I can only assume it's a typo and it's supposed to read: By day he is an octopus made of Play Doh. Or he's the clue gun of a peafowl. An accused Hun from Plano?] and by night he returns to human form. [When did he ever have human form? I assumed he was this immortal night-dwelling Shadow creature when he wasn't a payphone.] He’s different than other Shadows, [which are, by day, reflections of coffee makers.] solemn when Shadows are meant to live for personal fun and satisfaction. That is, until he meets Aurora, a young law student at Cornell University, a human girl. His entire world is shaken. Human feelings he's never had, and urges he’s never understood, like wanting to have a place to live of his own, [Does he live in a phone booth in the daytime?] drive him to question everything about himself and his kind.

Prohibited by the Night Council to have a relationship with a human that involves more than just sex, [Even phone sex?] Erebus is risking severe punishment to be with Aurora [Sounds like he's really hung up on her. Ba dum ching.] on a completely different level. [Even a sex-only relationship with a human can be problematic--if you're still going at it when dawn arrives and you suddenly turn back into a payphone.]

When a jealous old flame, Nanny, stalks back into his life, [I could never date someone who went by the name Nanny. Although it's better than dating someone who goes by the name Mommy.] Erebus breaks the most important law set by the Shadows and reveals his secret to Aurora. [Are we talking about the secret that he's immortal or the secret that he's a payphone?] [I'm thinking if you tell your true love you're a payphone, it doesn't matter whether she believes it's true or not. She's gone.] [I'm not sure whether I'd rather my mate be immortal or a payphone. Immortality would be good because funerals are expensive. On the other hand, it wouldn't hurt to have a steady influx of spare change.] By telling her, he jeopardizes everything, and must protect her from Nanny and the judgment of the Night Council. [The only thing he jeopardizes is his relationship with her. No way Aurora bought his claim that he's an immortal nightcrawling payphone.] His biggest fears are realized when he sees that [Aurora has her own cell phone, and thus won't be pushing his buttons.] his desire for Aurora could destroy her, or worse, erase his own Shadow forever.

SHADOW OF DOUBT is complete at 52,000 words and falls into the category of young adult fantasy. The storyline has a unique twist [I'll say.] that goes beyond the traditional fantasy, with pure love that can conquer anything in and beyond this world.


Notes

What would happen if humans found out Shadows existed? What's the punishment for telling a human you're a blender? In other words, what's at stake?

Usually authors go with a human being as the main character if one is available. Especially when the alternative is a payphone.

Whatever the occlusion of a payphone is, the query is better off without it. We also don't need Nanny. She's a subplot.



What's the difference between a Shadow and a human at night? Besides immortality. Do Shadows have any powers? Can they have relationships with each other? Are all Shadows occlusions of payphones, or are some occlusions of gas pumps? Are all objects Shadows? Or are there a limited number of Shadows?






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Face-Lift 1120

Guess the plot
The Unravelling
1. This homespun yarn follows four generations of the MacAilis family as they ship out from Glasgow and stitch together a new life in America.

2. Trapped in Hell, succubus Diavante develops a conscience and decides feeding off human passion is wrong. Will she keep her vow, or risk immortal torment as a wraith following her unravelling?

3. The lack of dreams leads to insanity. When a coalition of evil gods take the Dreamweaver hostage, the sanity of the universe begins to unravel. Can a plucky band consisting of a god, two shapeshifters, a porn star and an art appraiser rescue her before everything collapses into pure chaos?

4. Misanthropic genius Tolgania takes gene research a century ahead of his contemporaries. Using advanced neural networks, he designs a new species, a nearly indestructible predator that preys on people. Newly minted PhD microbiologist, Silvia Stennis must reverse engineer Tolgania’s discoveries and create a virus to destroy the predator species before humanity becomes extinct.

5. The fabric of the world is unravelling! Gargoyles are terrorizing cities! Only one woman with extrasensory powers can prevent disaster, but first she must deal with her own emotional problems or she'll be the one unravelling.

6. In Van Buren Arkansas, they roll up the sidewalks at 7 PM. One morning a crushed corpse falls out when the sidewalk is unraveled. Two mornings later another pancake-flat corpse falls out. Could little Van Buren have the world’s first sidewalk-crush serial killer?

7. The world's biggest ball of yarn rolls out of the world's biggest knitting basket to find himself. The world's biggest grandma is sad, but it's time to let him go. The world's biggest cat wants the yarn to himself. Can the yarn roll around the world before the cat unravels him?
8. It started small, a whisper of conflict between the owners of Lucky's Lady Emporium--Madison's elite gentleman's establishment. But, once that thread got pulled, it wasn't only the girls who were bared in ... The Unravelling.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,
Two young women leave a Paris nightclub after a bit too much to drink. One of them won’t make it home. [Will be be the American expatriate artist whose family was cursed by a Romani witch? Or will it be the enigmatic alchemist's partner, with the severe phobia of being touched?] The survivor will escape with the knowledge that monsters are real - and they look like the stone gargoyles from Notre Dame cathedral come to life. [Has anyone checked to see if the stone gargoyles are still up there?]

Callie Kincaid thought her life couldn’t get any less normal. [That feels like the wrong way to put it. It could be interpreted to mean her life is normal, and she'll never let anything make it less normal. Even if you don't buy that, there's always something that could make it less normal. She could move to Mongolia or sprout wings.] [Also, we've had sentences in present, future and past already.] She suffers from a severe phobia of being touched, and [an addiction to deep-tissue massages.] spiralling into a panic attack at the slightest brush of someone's skin against her own sucks. ["Severe phobia" is enough, no need to specify her precise symptoms.] She’s also penning strange notes in her sleep in someone else's handwriting. [Is "penning" still used? Also, does it bother anyone when I start keyboarding blue notes all over queries?] Now people keep getting killed in her neighbourhood. [They keep getting killed?] The murders are moving ever closer to her home, finally leading to the death of her best friend. Callie winds up partnering partners with enigmatic alchemist Remy Dane, the man who saved her from sharing her friend's fate, to find out why she's a target. Problem is, it's bad chemistry between her and Dane. [Alchemists are notorious for their bad chemistry.] Not only does his touch provoke a very different reaction from her usual panic, [That's bad?] they get along about as well as oil does with water.

The creatures terrorizing Paris seem to think Callie has something they're looking for, but as far as she's concerned she's just a normal girl who happens to be able to sense the emotions of others when she touches them. [The part before the "but" doesn't seem connected to the part after. Perhaps if you were more specific about what the gargoyles think Callie has. For instance: The creatures terrorizing Paris seem to think Callie has super powers that will help them destroy all of humanity, but . . .]  [Does touching someone who's feeling love and joy give her a panic attack?] Under the tutelage of Dane, Callie attempts to harness the extrasensory abilities that have hidden behind her phobia. As the fabric of the world begins to come undone, she needs to discover the root of her fears and the powers behind them before she's the one being taken apart. [Finding the root of her fear of being touched, which she has lived with most of her life, seems like small potatoes when the fabric of the world is coming undone. Shouldn't she and Dane save the world first? Is the world unraveling because of Callie? Is saying the fabric of the world is coming undone an exaggeration? All we know is that some gargoyles are terrorizing Paris. Is this happening everywhere? Are the The Concrete Cows in Milton Keynes, England, and the duck statues in Boston Public Garden coming to life and terrorizing people?]

THE UNRAVELLING is a 91,000 word urban fantasy and the first of a planned three-book series. [Is it a standalone novel with a satisfying ending, and the second book involves the lions at Buckingham Palace tormenting Callie? Or do I have to publish all three books to complete one story?] I'm a freelance journalist whose work has been published in (various newspapers and magazines) and many others. I've also worked as a scriptwriter and researcher for the nationally-televised non-fiction series (several shows).

Thank you for your consideration,


Notes

If Callie has what the gargoyles need, why are they terrorizing Paris? If they all surround her, they can easily get what they want from her and then terrorize Paris. 

In paragraph 2 Callie thinks her life couldn’t get any less normal. In paragraph 3, as far as she's concerned she's just a normal girl yadda yadda.

I can't tell if this takes place in modern times or in the days when people were proud to admit they were alchemists.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Choice to Change

1. The fascin- ating memoir of a woman who becomes invisible, and then attempts to find herself.

2. In this daring sequel to my groundbreaking The Choice to Feed, I show new parents how to avoid the whole diaper ritual.

3. Does this make me look fat? How about the slinky black dress? No? Maybe that navy blue blouse with the Peter Pan collar for that barely-legal schoolgirl look?

4. For Pvt. Mort Slimper, changing his socks and underwear in the field meant turning them inside out every week. But with the Army's new Laundry Battalion, everyone now has . . . The Choice to Change.

5. My life in the US Mint, where I dealt with decisions ranging from the thickness and sheen of pennies to the number of ridges on a dime, shaping the course of American coinage.

6. When a body is discovered atop a pile of $600 in quarters, Randy Roberts, change maker at the Galloping Ghost Slots Emporium in Reno becomes the prime suspect and goes on the run while trying to clear his name.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor;

I often wonder just how deep the effects of the trauma of my childhood go and whether I'll ever be totally free of them. I was so shy, naïve, protected, and isolated from all the problems of daily life. Except for the movies, TV and an occasional vacation, my early point of view was extremely narrow. [I think I'm the wrong person to unload on--movies, TV and the occasional vacation are still the only things shaping my worldview.] I had my own little world – my fantasy world. I had complete faith and trust in the people around me and believed that life would unfold in a good and logical way. [You were a kid. What do kids know?]

Then one day it all shattered. My father's infidelity created a nasty separation and divorce and mother moved us to a large city far away from my small rural town. I was totally unprepared for the realities that faced me. I retreated into the protection of the one place I felt safe – into myself. But I had no foundation upon which to draw and no one who would take the time to help me. It wasn't that I was unloved – just that I wasn't a priority. I became invisible. [Just to confirm, you didn't accidentally mix up your emails to Evil Editor and to Dr. Phil, right?] [If only I thought you meant you literally became invisible, I would suddenly be interested.]

For years I drifted through schools, jobs, locations and men trying to find my place - always looking outside myself for the answers. I used sex and drugs as an antidote for my pain and developed deep-seeded [seated] abandonment and intimacy issues. Then I got cancer. [One problem with starting a query letter in first person and not mentioning the book is that the editor begins to wonder if the next paragraph is going to begin: Anyway, at the age of fifty, my life is finally settling down, I've made peace with my father, my cancer is in remission, and I've decided to become a science fiction author. Would you be interested in taking a look at my 100,000-word novel, Zombie Wolverines of Planet Q?] [Believe it or not, such query letters do make their way to editors.]

THE CHOICE TO CHANGE explores my journey from an idyllic childhood, through years of feeling lost and alone, through cancer and the related stress and changes it caused and the search to find my self. It relates the lessons I learned along the way and the importance of forgiveness [Forgiveness? Listen, the only way you'll ever be happy is if you put a bullet in your father's brain.] and acceptance of responsibility.

THE CHOICE TO CHANGE is a memoir of 63,000 words. Thank you for your consideration of my submission. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

As I may have mentioned earlier, there's something discomforting about a query letter in first person that takes a long time to get around to mentioning a book. This wasn't as bothersome as this query, but you don't want the editor wondering if you're an infatuated stalker. I'd put the title, genre and word count up front.

Perhaps it's a sad commentary on our world, but no one wants to read your memoir unless you're famous or they're related to you--unless your life has been truly amazing. Writing this book was a good thing to do, but to sell it you have to show what makes your story interesting to a large number of complete strangers. Or convert it into a novel and throw in some truly amazing or hilarious fictional events.


Selected Comments

Kanani said...Every so often, I meet people writing their life story. I think the author has to figure out whether they are writing this to impart some wider message about personal growth, or if it's simply catharsis.

If it was cathartic for you to write it, then fine. But what happens in your story that would compel someone else to read it. And remember, your story isn't unique --the divorce rate is around 50%, which means that many people have had either the same or even a rougher experience than you.

So, analyze your reasons for writing it, go through it and make sure something compelling happens.


150 said...EE is right: there's so little market for these memoirs. It's honestly wonderful that you wrote it, but it (as queried) has nothing unique to offer a stranger. Certainly keep it for your friends and family!

However, if you're determined to keep trying, there are some elements that could at least get you a few requests for partials. If you have vibrant, startling characters (say, you learned about forgiveness from a foul-mouthed one-armed bartender), mention them in the query. If your path led you to some extreme action (like walking cross-country or joining the circus), then frame the book and query along that interesting element. If your active childhood imagination led you to envision everything from custody hearings to chemo as part of a vivid fairy-world, describe that. If your journey gave you such perspective that you can frame all your experiences as hilarious stories, give an example. If your book has a unique framework, like a set of guiding principles, that's noteworthy too.

Up until the divorce, your query describes the childhood of like every bookworm ever, so that part isn't compelling and can be cut--making room for you to describe the interesting stuff, above.

Hope this helps. Congratulations on completing your memoir!


phoenix said...We all appreciate the difficulties you've been through and applaud that you've been able to overcome them and achieve an outlook of forgiveness and accountability. Big-time kudos to you on the very personal level!
But as has been pointed out, unless you have more to share, this is a journey far too many of us take on our own. Why buy a book when we can go to any number of blogs or support sites for children of divorce or cancer survivors and participate in real-time discussion of the issues?

The problem is, we all handle adversity differently. As pjd said, divorce didn't throw him/her into the depression it did you. I, too, was the bookworm kid. And I'm a cancer survivor, and while I made some life changes because of it, I consider that period in my life more a hiccup and an annoyance than anything else. Unless you have something unique to say to me on that score, I wouldn't need/want to hear it.

So who do you envision as your target audience? People who have been through adversity? People who haven't? People helping others go through it? Memoir is in a unique position that, while mostly treated like fiction, it still helps tremendously to have a platform for it the same as for non-fiction.

I like EE's suggestion of turning the memoir into a novel and adding some spice to it. But you would still need to find a unique angle to set it apart. Pick up something out of 150's post. Maybe your MC walks cross country to join the circus!

Oh, and depending on your audience, it may or may not matter, but I can't be certain whether the person in this memoir is male or female. The "men" reference could go either way. I would guess female just from the way the query "feels."


Anonymous said...What they said. A personal memoir like this may be well done and charming, etc. but agents can only pay the bills by representing books that do well commercially. Your premise just doesn't seem to have a commercial orientation. For a non-commercial project, you don't need an agent. Your postage etc might be better used for submitting the most story-like excerpts to literary magazines that publish memoir.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Invisible

1. Gertie can't figure out why people ignore her. Then she looks in a mirror. Turns out, she's . . . Invisible.

2. Half the fun is in trying to find this book on the shelves, thanks to an innovative printing method, never before seen.


3.

4. Josie has finally figured out why everybody ignores her. The Rules of Invisibility keep her unseen.

5. In the finest tradition of literary hoaxes, this book asks the reader to figure out why every page appears to be blank.

6. Revenge is never pretty. But for Isabel Hitchens, 50 and looking it, a new overnight cream has the answer. Tom Burke isn't going to know what hit him.



Original Version

Dear Agent:

On the surface, Claire and Josie are total opposites. Once childhood friends, Claire now enjoys Park High School’s pinnacle of popularity while Josie remains unseen, blending into the crowd by following a list of self-made "Rules of Invisibility," which include [using an unscented anti-perspirant; not wearing clothes--which aren't invisible, and yes, I know the Invisible Girl's clothes disappear when she becomes invisible, but that's a comic book and we're talking about real life here; not bumping into anyone, unless it's Jimmy Clark in the boy's locker room; wrapping your head in bandages like a mummy and putting on sunglasses and a hat when you want to be seen, like when Mrs. Wilson is taking attendance (people find this less disconcerting than empty space);] avoiding eye contact and speaking only when necessary. Things change for both girls when their worlds accidentally collide.

When Josie finds Claire in the school bathroom suffering a painful miscarriage, the two high school juniors begin to rely on one another. [When I was in high school, the worst that happened in the bathroom was that some hoodlum smoked a cigarette. Nowadays the bathroom's home to heroin shooting, abortions, murders . . . and that's just the teachers' bathroom.] Claire needs help, and Josie, avoiding [Repressing?] her own dark memories of sexual abuse, agrees to keep Claire’s secret. Josie is surprised when she discovers just how much she has in common with the seemingly perfect Claire; they’re both miserable and hiding it.

To ensure that her secret will remain safe, Claire wants Josie close. Convincing her friends that they need a "project" to spice up their boring lives, Claire sets in motion a plan to bring Josie into Park High’s circle of popularity. [We've morphed from modern-day Blackboard Jungle to My Fair Lady.] Josie is wary of the situation, but decides that she can use it to her advantage to escape her own problems. She is accepted quickly, especially by quiet and mysterious Owen, who is dating one of Claire’s best friends.

Claire and Josie’s unlikely friendship sparks a chain of events that ultimately leads each girl to confront the secrets they’ve been keeping, causing them to endure entirely new inner struggles and to realize that the only true way out of anything is straight through the middle. [I'm not sure what "straight through the middle" means, but I'm pretty sure the best way out of a tunnel is at one of the ends. Also, the people in the middle rows on an airplane usually deplane at the front. What do Claire and Josie get out of through the middle?]

Invisible is a contemporary young adult novel, complete at 53,000 words. A third person narrator offers the perspectives of Claire and Josie in short, alternating chapters. A second book in the series, which will follow these characters through their senior year of high school, is in its beginning stages. [Four additional books covering college (and various prequels) are not yet planned, but inevitable.]

I have taught secondary English for eight years and recently completed my Master’s Degree in education. [Is that the usual order?] I am also a member of the SCBWI. I would be happy to send you Invisible. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

To me, a miscarriage in the girls' bathroom sounds more like tabloid headlines than reading material for a 14-year-old. Obviously I'm out of touch with today's youth.

It may be a bit long. The sentences about your teaching/education and the third-person narrator can go. You might try dumping the 3rd paragraph, and reworking the 4th with some specificity. What is the chain of events? Is confronting their secrets a good thing? It's not clear, as they end up with new inner struggles. This paragraph may be the heart of your story, but it's so vague we can't tell.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...Sorry, I'm just not seeing it.

;)

There seem to be an awful lot of these YA books about "misfit" kids trying to get into the "popular" cliques. We've seen a few on EE already, and there's more queued up in "New Beginnings".

This was never such a big deal when I was in school (not in the US), so I guess I don't relate too well. But, is this becoming too much of a cliche?

A miscarriage in the school bathroom? 1) Ick (though I'm sure it's happened); 2) Wouldn't she need/seek medical treatment (see, another black hole of my knowledge). Could they really keep it as their "little" secret?


Anna B said...That third paragraph reminded me of the movie "Clueless," in a way. The plot of popular-kid-transforms-unpopular-kid has been done to death.


I think the rules of invisibility would be a fantastic hook for a YA novel. The abortion thing suggests a dark undertone, but the query doesn't seem to fulfil that; it goes a bit 'Clueless'.


writtenwyrdd said...FWIW, dark undertones in YA seem to be selling. Read Such A Pretty Girl, which is about a teen dealing with a child molesting father. There are others, but that's the one I read recently which sticks in my mind.


author said...Thanks for the comments. Here's a revised version. Thoughts?

Dear Agent:

On the surface, Claire and Josie are total opposites. Once childhood friends, Claire now enjoys Park High School’s pinnacle of popularity while Josie remains unseen, blending into the crowd by following a list of self-made “Rules of Invisibility,” which include avoiding eye contact and speaking only when necessary. Things change for both girls when their worlds accidentally collide.

When Josie finds Claire in the school bathroom suffering a painful miscarriage, the two high school juniors begin to rely on one another. Claire needs help, and Josie, repressing her own difficult memories of sexual abuse, agrees to keep Claire’s secret. Josie is surprised when she discovers just how much she has in common with the seemingly perfect Claire; they’re both miserable and hiding it.

Claire and Josie’s unlikely friendship sparks a chain of events that ultimately leads each girl to confront the secrets they’ve been keeping. As soon as Claire realizes that she became pregnant due to the blatant betrayal of her boyfriend, who made her believe he was wearing a condom when he actually wasn’t, she ends the relationship once and for all. When Josie breaks the final “Rule of Invisibility” and shares her darkest moment with Claire, Claire threatens to get help for her if she doesn’t do so on her own, which forces Josie to inform her mother about the night her stepfather raped her. Claire and Josie learn that facing life’s challenges can actually make you stronger and are surprised at the confidence they gain after doing so.

Invisible is a contemporary young adult novel, complete at 53,000 words.

I am a member of the SCBWI. I would be happy to send you Invisible. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Robin S. said...Hi author, This sounds good.

I have a fifteen year-old daughter - the things kids her age deal with now are mind-blowing. And it doesn't matter what socio-economic group one's family falls into. It's there. As a teacher, I'm sure you already know this.

I've had to be a lot more blunt and open that I ever thought I'd need to be, to raise my daughters and help them through this labyrinth of a society.

I think the reason this theme is repeated in books, through different tellings, is because the story resonates.

Good luck!


Bonnie said...I ought to like this story. It's a genre I'm interested in and the story sounds like it's well told. But the query, even the revised version, left me thinking, "Didn't I just read this in Jodi Picault's last novel?" I didn't. I don't recall reading a novel with this same plot. Maybe that means you're onto a good thing, a story that tells the truth about what we already know and won't admit. But it might be a good idea to check to make sure your characters are archetypes, not stereotypes...


writtenwyrdd said...A couple of thoughts. First, in the first paragraph, you say they were friends years ago, then they become unlikely friends. I'd suggest beginning with "Claire and enjoys Park High School’s pinnacle of popularity while Josie remains unseen, blending into the crowd by following a list of self-made “Rules of Invisibility,” which include avoiding eye contact and speaking only when necessary. Things change for both girls when their worlds accidentally collide." Thus, no confusion.

Second, "Claire and Josie’s unlikely friendship." This sentence is strong, but the word unlikely doesn't work. They had been friends once, so how unlikely is a friendship between them? Either this stays or the earlier friendship reference goes. Personally, I'd suggest keeping this reference and ditching the one earlier.

Third, "As soon as Claire realizes that she became pregnant due to the blatant betrayal of her boyfriend, who made her believe he was wearing a condom when he actually wasn’t, she ends the relationship once and for all. When Josie breaks the final “Rule of Invisibility” and shares her darkest moment with Claire, Claire threatens to get help for her if she doesn’t do so on her own, which forces Josie to inform her mother about the night her stepfather raped her."

This doesn't yet work. Not quite sure what the problem is, but it lacks emotional pull. If you talk about both girls must deal with sexual abuse, and the first step is trusting just one person (each other) to listen, that might do it.

This does read better than the original, though. Keep working on it to get that emotional hook in there as well. tough and dark subject matter, but gripping if done well.


author said...I really can't thank you enough. All the comments have been helpful and I think I'm about ready to start sending this query out. Off to revise some more . . .


author said...Okay - if anyone's still checking this (esp writtenwyrdd since this revision is based on your comment) let me know what you think.

When Josie breaks the final “Rule of Invisibility” and shares her darkest moment with Claire, Claire’s efforts to help her force Josie to confront her mother about the night her stepfather raped her. Starting with the small step of trusting one person, Claire and Josie face their life challenges and begin to realize that they hold inner strength and confidence that had previously been invisible to everyone, including them.


Evil Editor said...That first sentence is unwieldy. Perhaps broken into two: When Josie breaks the final “Rule of Invisibility,” sharing her darkest moment with Claire, Claire vows to get help for her if she doesn’t do so on her own. Josie has no choice but to tell her mother about the night her stepfather raped her.


writtenwyrdd said...I don't want to know about the specifics of the past, but what they are going to do about it. Does that make sense?

So, maybe stick with mentioning sexual abuse and how they move forward, because that moving forward is the story. And then, at least an implication as to what the ending is.


Anonymous said...There are a lot of books out there about girls wanting to fit into the popular crowd, but that's exactly what the kids want to read. As a teacher, I've seen the kids gravitate to this topic.

Good luck.


Twill said...I'm concerned about a girl having a miscarriage / spontaneous abortion and not getting medical help. I *hope* you didn't write that like it was okay.

Don't know the exact statistics, but there are deaths every year.

Face-Lift 1119

Guess the Plot

Kiss the Girls, Then They Die

1. Ralph's curse is really putting a cramp in his love life, until he travels to Hollywood and meets sultry prostitute Vivian Ward. Viv has a policy to never kiss her johns, so Ralph's all good.

2. Lucian's first bride died at the altar. His second bride, on their wedding bed. Does three times make the charm, or will Lucian bury yet another unwitting maiden? Also, an impatient grandma-to-be.

3. The "Lipstick Killer" is on the loose, so called because he kisses his beautiful victims and smears their lipstick before strangling them, but efforts to capture him are hindered because the sheriff hates the police chief.

4. Bill, former Navy SEAL, starts at the police academy. He dates Janet. She’s found strangled. He dates Bridget and she too is murdered. Bill, suspended from the academy, is a person of interest. Can he find the real serial killer before detectives nail him for the murders?

5. Four socialites have turned up dead in the Hollywood hills. The only clue? Ricin-laced chapstick smears on their pale lips. It's up to DJ Shazam to step in and solve this thriller set in the LA club scene.

6. The Frog Prince is human. Unfortunately, his saliva is toxic. Now who will marry him? Princesses vying for the position are summoned for a tournament to decide.

7. Basil Letchworth is an asymptomatic carrier of a previously unknown deadly disease that's spread orally. But he's not going to let that slow him down in his search for Ms. Right.


Original Version

What do you see when looking into the mind of a killer? What drives a man to murder beautiful women? I wrote this novel because "Kiss the girls, then they die" answers these questionsby [2 words.] the unknown killer. [Not clear if you mean the killer answers them or asks them. Or are you saying you answer them through the killer?] "I got another one tonight baby," he said softly to the photograph in the cheap imitation leather frame. "That makes three, listen! [Capitalize "listen."] do [Capitalize "do"] you hear the sirens? Do you hear them screaming?" It seemed to him that the girl in the picture was smiling, [End of sentence.] then his lips trembled a little, [and] he bent his head down and kissed the pretty timted [tinted.] mouth." [We're in trouble, and not just because I'm worried this is autobiographical and that I need to report it to the authorities. Most people to whom you might send this won't want an excerpt from the book, and those who don't mind an excerpt, upon noting that the excerpt you chose is riddled with errors, will give up at this point.]

This novel is about misguided revenge on society, [End of sentence.] it is set in the fictional city of Tillman in Tillman County, Illinois; that [It] pits a small city police cheif [chief] against a killer and the Sheriff who hates the cheif [chief]. The novel is approximately 90,000 words and will fit into any crime drama line.

I have published 7 articles (they are attached) they were published one in The Journal of the United States Stamp Society, twice in The Poster (A local post stamp journal), one in the Journal of the German Philatelic Society and the Journal of the American Philatelic Society and one in the Gulf Coast Community College school newspaper. [These credits aren't helpful unless you write The Postage Stamp Murders, set at a stamp collecting convention.]

Enclosed are the articles, [Unnecessary, even if they were relevant.] a synopsis and 3 chapters. thank you for reading my query and material, and I look foward to your reply.



Dear Evil Editor,

When my book is finally finished have 2 more chapters to type I am thinking of changing the title which do you feel would work:

1) Kiss the girls and then they die
2) The lipstick killer (cause the killer kisses and smears the lipstick)
3) The tillman strangler
4) A kiss before strangling (cause he strangles the kisses)

I want to make a title that will sound good so please let me know if any of the four work, you can even wait till you ripped my query


Notes

First, the title, since you asked. Number 1, being a play on Georgie Porgie, should be Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die. There've been a couple movies by that name, and of course there's the book/movie about serial killers titled Kiss the Girls. Number 2 is okay, but there was a real serial killer called The Lipstick Killer, so people might think the book is nonfiction. Maybe The Lipstick Murders is catchier, anyway. Number 3: Most serial stranglers are named after the site of their crimes, though using a real city instead of Tillman might be better. Number 4 will remind people of the book/movie A Kiss Before Dying. (Not that filmmakers and publishers don't play off of popular titles all the time.) I'd go with The Lipstick Murders. In any case, the title should be the least of your worries. Only when the book is in bookstores will the title matter, and if the publisher thinks your title sucks, they'll give it a better one.

The query and excerpt have many run-on sentences and misspelled or misused words. While the editor of Stamp Collector Quarterly may be willing to fix a short article, no editor wants to doctor a complete novel filled with errors. They will assume (correctly) that the novel is as filled with errors as the query.

You need to educate yourself on conventions of grammar, punctuation, etc. Then get your book as perfect as you can. Then read a lot of the query critiques on this blog. Then write a query letter that summarizes the story in one page and convinces the reader that your book will sell better than the hundreds of other books that were offered to her this month.