Evil Editor's Blog, page 133

Face-Lift 1132

Guess the Plot

Twice Named Son

1. Madison Paulson's parents wish she was a boy. Jackson Johnson's parents wish he was a girl. The two kids swap places, and all four parents are delighted.

2. When Cy Maestas finds himself being hunted by Earth's beloved rulers, the Orden, he realizes that his only hope is to erase his name from everywhere it's written. Hey, he's never been crazy about the name Cy Maestas anyway. Also, a van full of catatonics.

3. Tribal court has given Johnny Twice Named Son one last chance to turn his life around before they send him to Federal prison. Nothing funny, entertaining or uplifting to see here, just an aging journalist desperate to win a Pulitzer, so cut him some slack, OK?

4. Unwed mother Dancy Darlin has her baby the very night the local news announces the jackpot ticket for the lottery was sold at the beer store where she works. And she's been sleeping with the only two guys who ever buy tickets there! She's just not sure whether to name the kid Johnny Joe or Billy Bob. Luckily, she's also been sleeping with the guy who issues birth certificates at the hospital, so she gets two and names him both.

5. Son Son is sick of his obsessive compulsive parents who repeat every action to make sure they got it right, including the time they submitted his birth certificate. He wreaks vengeance on them by murdering them both twice - once as humans and once as zombies.

6. His mother is set on Jim Bob. His father insists on Chauncy Reginald. Will the fight over this infant's birth certificate spill out of the hospital and end in divorce? Also, switched at birth with the prince of Lichtenstein.




Original Version

Seventeen-year-old Cy Maestas wakes imprisoned in a van rushing through the night, surrounded by catatonics. [The van is surrounded by catatonics?] All he remembers from the last week is a camping trip gone awry. All he knows now, breathless and shaking after a harrowing escape, is that the horrified face in the mirror is not his own. [That was some shabby imprisonment if he's already escaped.] And that the second he stumbles from the road to hide, [It sounds like he jumped out of a rushing van and is stumbling into the woods. So where is this mirror he looked into after his escape?] he’s nearly knocked senseless by overwhelming visions into a million human lives. [I love it when I don't have to work hard to make the plot sound so crazy no one guesses it's the real one. True, someone will probably write in to say "I knew it was that one because it was the craziest or the least crazy or the only one I didn't want to read," but that person will be lying.]

The world has changed. For centuries its beloved rulers, the Orden, have shielded mankind from eerie catastrophic events called ‘gritos.’ ["Gritos" sounds like a breakfast cereal. Ground corn meal, cooked into a porridge consistency with lots of sugar, then shaped into O's, baked till they're golden brown and crispy, and sold in a box with a cartoon possum on the front.] Stunned to discover he’s been unconscious for seven years, [Seems more like 7000 years.] Cy doesn’t know which is more baffling – that gritos have vanished, [My favorite cereal vanished too, about 40 years ago. Kellogg's Sugar Stars.] that he’s trapped on roads by the crushing omniscience lying beyond them, or that the ruling Orden has turned sinister…and they’re hunting him down. [Just so I've got it straight, what planet is this?]

Host to a strange power that makes his own mind an alien thing, [A character whose mind becomes an alien thing I can live with; when the author's mind is an alien thing we've got trouble.] ripped from home and reeling at his physical age, Cy goes on the run. [Hasn't he been on the run since paragraph 1 when he jumped out of a speeding van?] The friends he makes he must leave behind, and those who wish him ill stay unnervingly near. Stripped of everything he knows, he struggles to remain himself - but when the Orden closes in, his only chance to survive is using his omniscience to break a heartrending taboo and erase his last anchor to self, family, and home: his name. [The Orden have almost caught up to me. But they'll never find me if I change my name.]

Close by, the Orden’s leader quietly fights to prevent the world’s stability from causing its own collapse. Humanity has adapted to the catastrophic gritos; its confidence and freedoms will upend society if gritos never return – and trigger disaster and death if they do. [It's a lose/lose situation. So who cares what happens?] If Cy is the key to mankind’s safety, she’ll have him – at the expense of his life. [Is this one of those gag queries?]

TWICE NAMED SON is literary YA speculative fiction. At 99,700 words, it is my debut novel and the first complete of a well underway four book arc. To use my favorites, it is similar to Pullman’s HIS DARK MATERIALS in its deep world-building, Hess’ CHAOS WALKING for its travel and aspects of omniscience, and Zusak’s THE MESSENGER and Pierce’s BEKA COOPER trilogy for its literary style. [Assuming your book sounds like this query, if you ever see me picking up anything by Zusak or Pierce, swat me.]

I’ve worked in documentary for a private foundation, writing the stories of people working for social change. I founded and for eight years ran [redacted], a literacy nonprofit enabling over 2,000 teachers and 25,000 children to build home and classroom libraries. I am in love with roads of all sorts, and I am epileptic, which informs the ruling Orden’s own structure and abilities. [It's nice that you live in a time when you can reveal you're epileptic without people thinking you're insane, but the world is not so enlightened that you can also afford to reveal you're in love with roads.]

Do your worst,

A chica pulling hair out at the brain-flattening exercise of query writing


Notes

WTF? This is mostly incomprehensible. Start over. Imagine you're standing in front of a classroom, explaining your plot to twenty-five 8-year-olds. Paragraph 1 is the setup. Tell us where and when we are, who the main character is, and what situation he's dealing with. Stop. Start over; you forgot that we're 8-year-olds.

Paragraph 2. Noting that 8-year-olds have short attention spans and that you're already losing us, dive into what Cy wants, who's trying to stop him from getting it, and what will happen if he fails.

Review what you've got so far. If you've mentioned catastrophic gritos, crushing omniscience, heartrending taboos, or overwhelming visions into a million human lives, start over and imagine the class is now 6-year-olds.

Okay, paragraph 3 wraps it up. What's Cy's plan? What goes wrong? What's plan B? Send your revision as a comment.

Nitpick: The 1st time you mention the Orden, it's plural: the Orden, have shielded... The next two times it's singular: the ruling Orden has turned sinister; the Orden closes in.

Is Cy Maestas the twice-named son? Are his parents in the book? What's his second name? It's gotta be better than Cy Maestas.

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1131 has submitted a revision, which you'll find in the comments there. Your reaction would be appreciated.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Wreck- ing Ball

1. Nicky Burkett is a disturbed young man who destroys everyone who crosses his path. Which is why the other 3rd-graders call him . . . Wrecking Ball.

2. For years, the City Museum's annual Soirée has been the social event of the season. But all that changes when renegade socialite Lydia Thomas includes seventeen pounds of C4 explosives in the Piñata.

3. Wrecking ball swing. Wrecking ball SMASH! Wrecking ball swing again. Not like to swing. Swing am boring. But then, SMASH!!! Smash am good. Wrecking ball happy.

4. The annual formal dance for the Wrecker's Union becomes the site of a heinous murder when its president is found chained upside down and inside out to the 2007 prototype in the parking lot.

5. Tired of her so-called friend's zany, annoying antics, Ethel sets out to destroy Lucy--once and for all.

6. All is well in Acme Labs until scientists discover the new self-bouncing rubber-ball pet toy they made is indestructible, unstoppable, and loose in the halls.


Original Version

Agent X:

I read in your listing on Publishers Marketplace that you specialize in mysteries. You may be interested in my novel WRECKING BALL. I would like to invite you to review the manuscript and consider representing me.

Every year, third-grade teacher Julia Morris gives each of her students a business card printed with the following message: "Call me if you need help and you have nowhere else to turn. [By which I mean, if you've exhausted all legal, psychiatric, and criminal means of solving your pathetic little problems.]" Julia's fellow teachers have dubbed her "Saint Julia" because of her pathological need to rescue every lost soul she meets. [She's teaching third-graders. Don't you have to be at least ten before you can be declared a lost soul?] Over the years, Julia has helped her students through innumerable crises. Unfortunately, Julia's attempts to help one troubled student, Nicky Burkett, only seemed to accelerate his descent into a life of petty crime and drug abuse.  [Which is why Nicky has dubbed her "Wrecking Ball."]  Nicky grows into a disturbed young man seemingly intent on destroying himself and everyone who crosses his path, thereby earning him the nickname "Wrecking Ball." [Or perhaps he gets the nickname because he weighs 340 pounds, and resembles a wrecking ball.] [Maybe he became a disturbed young man because everyone called him Wrecking Ball. Didja ever think of that?]

Eleven years after leaving Julia's class, Nicky shows up on Julia's doorstep begging for sanctuary. [Luckily, he still has her business card after eleven years, and she hasn't moved.] He claims that someone is trying to kill him, but refuses to identify who. [If you're 20 years old and a killer is after you, I don't think it would occur to you that your 3rd-grade teacher is the answer to your problems, especially when her previous attempts to help you accelerated your descent into a life of petty crime and drug abuse.] Still plagued with guilt for having failed Nicky when he was her student, Julia promises to do everything in her power to keep him safe. Nevertheless, [she fails him even more miserably this time, as] within forty-eight hours he is dead. The police declare Nicky's death an accidental overdose, but Julia is convinced he was murdered. [Did he spend that 48 hours in her house? If so, what did he supposedly OD on? And if not, what was she doing to keep him safe?]

Julia sets out to find Nicky's killer. To aid in her investigation, she draws upon her vast network of former students, whose specialties include forensic science, computers, and surveillance. [Evil Editor senses a series. Next book, Julia calls upon former students who are now a trapeze artist, a backhoe operator, and a lifeguard. She doesn't really need the lifeguard to solve the case, but a little eye candy never hurts.] Julia's sleuthing uncovers several key suspects. Was it the grieving father who blames Nicky for his daughter's death? Or the wannabe crime lord whom Nicky swindled? Or was it someone closer to Julia--someone whose life Nicky wrecked years earlier as a troubled third grader? [I'd eliminate the crime lord. If a crime lord is after you, you're more likely to seek protection from Saint Roscoe than Saint Julia.] [I don't think it was any of them. It's a trick question. The actual killer was Mr. Green in the lounge with the rope.] [Here's the trouble with Clue. It shouldn't require a bunch of interrogations of suspects to determine whether a murder was committed with a rope, a revolver, or a knife. Just look at the corpse, idiots.]

WRECKING BALL is an amateur-sleuth mystery complete at 80,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon request. I've enclosed an SASE for your reply. Thank you.

Sincerely,


Notes

One could argue that it would be better if Julia taught at the high school. I can see a third-grade teacher staying in touch with a student as long as he's at the same school, but once he moves on to the junior high and the high school, they're not as likely to have contact. Plus, her vast network of former students are more likely to remember her if she taught them in the past ten years rather than 20 or 30 years ago.

The first plot paragraph makes the book sound more like literary fiction than a mystery. If you start the query with Nicky showing up at Julia's door holding her business card in his hand, you have a better hook. In fact, starting the book there isn't a bad idea, either.


Selected Comments

Cheryl Mills said...If I could find my third-grade teacher, I'd hug her neck. Ms. Mulroy, are you out there? I don't think it matters how long ago you had a great teacher, you never forget them. Especially if you're a wrecking ball, and this was the one and only person who believed in you.

But yeah, I think third grade is a bit early for a descent into petty crime and drug abuse. Sixth grade, at least.


Anonymous said...This sounds like an interesting premise. I was a little wary about the teacher's saintly goodness (urgh!) but if the feel of the novel is more like one of those quaint English village/Miss Marple mysteries than scary inner city gang war stuff, it sounds promising.


River Falls said...Third grade sounds kind of...silly. (Makes me wonder if the author chose third grade because something traumatic happened to him/her that same year.) High school or even middle school would be more believable.


Nessie said...the thing with high school is that there are TOO many students. Thus I vote for sixth. Unfortunately I remember all to well that there were lost souls in elementary school as early as 11 ...


pacatrue said...I'm worried that the third graders can't keep hold of a business card through more than one recess.


bunnygirl said...Based on the query alone, I'm skeptical of the premise of a third grade teacher being that significant in a person's life. And I'm baffled how a third-grader could ruin someone else's life unless they set a house on fire or something.

If it were my story, I'd probably go with a middle school teacher. There are few things on earth more wantonly cruel than thirteen year-olds, and a kind teacher can have a huge impact on this age group.

But perhaps it all makes sense in the context of the novel.


Anonymous said...My fourth-grade teacher became my stepmother a few years later. Now, 25 years after that, she is attending weddings of her other 4th grade students (not my year), even all the way across the country. Some teachers do have that kind of influence on their students, especially teachers that stay in one school or district for 30+ years.


Minion #1555 said...I have to agree with His Evilness. Third grade is a little hard to remember. I had an awsome third grade teacher, but when I saw her again in high school talking to her was just plain awkward.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Last Remain- ing Light

1. Huddled around the last, dim, electric bulb as the power slowly fades away, the townspeople of Kennebunk, Maine realize that maybe renewable energy would have been a good idea back in the 80s.

2. Orphan Caroline Light has to defeat erotic vampires, a school yard bully, and two handsome but disdainful wizards, in order to claim her inheritance.

3. Shipwrecked in the desert, Paula is befriended by an unusually intelligent camel who guides her to "civilization"--a land swarming with zombies.

4. Tilly Fluppy is confused. Should she light her last remaining match and smoke her first cigarette? Or should she just forget smoking and save that match for the gasoline-soaked bodies of her schoolmates?

5. Marooned on a deserted island with only the contents of the duty free trolley for sustenance, the group from Nicotine Anonymous eye each other warily. Who will triumph and get his hands on that one last match?

6. Lotty Pearl thought seven hundred candles would make her bedroom look more romantic. When the fire blew out the last transformer, her house cast a romantic light over the whole town.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Paula wakes up in the middle of the desert without food or water and her only memory is of the tragic shipwreck that dumped her ashore. [They say desert shipwrecks are the worst kind.]


She is immediately befriended by an unusually intelligent camel, [From what I've heard, that's an oxymoron. By which I mean camels are morons.] [Any camel that knows which end the food goes in and which end it comes out is an unusually intelligent camel.] and with his guidance she sets off to find civilization. A blistering journey across the desert places her in a foreign land hostile to both her country and gender; using her plain looks and foreign stature to her advantage, she disguises herself as a teenage male. [Not sure what foreign stature means.]

Taking up work as a contract mercenary, [You're lost, hungry, sunburned, and penniless. Solution: become a contract mercenary?] Paula discovers that all is not well in the land. The undead [Also known as the alive.] walk freely in certain, ever expanding unholy plots and a vault full of secret, dangerous artifacts turns up missing. [If the book has zombies, can we not call them zombies? Do you know how long the minions have to wait between zombie books? Only to have you call them "the undead?"] [Calling zombies "the undead" is like calling werewolves "the unbald."] Paula's proximity to the crime places her under the local Sheik's suspicion, but when a Djinn offers to sell her a magic amulet that matches a ring and dagger she found, she knows that someone has singled her out. [I don't see the connection between what comes before the "but" and what comes after it.] [Also, just because you were in the proximity doesn't mean you could have carried off a four-ton vault. And if you did carry it off, you wouldn't be in the proximity anymore.]

But why? Together with a politically estranged caravan guard and two old friends, [Old friends? From her past? What are they doing here?] Paula sets off to follow a series of clues embedded into the amulet, ring and dagger, all the while filling in the gaps in her memory. Her two friends, one a pirate and the other a musketeer, inform her that she is an orphan, for instance, but they offer no explanation as to why she can speak every language she encounters, instantly. [It's the universal translator. Hasn't she ever watched Star Trek?] Or why she is the only one who can truly kill the undead things lurking throughout the land.

Paula's adventure climaxes in an ancient temple, under which lies a giant crystal maze. [I never saw the Lara Croft movies. This isn't the plot to one of those, is it?] At the apex of the maze, she discovers a vital clue to her past, unveiling her as nothing less than the daughter of an ancient goddess of war--the magical artifacts she'd found were drawn to her, to be used in a glorious resurrection. [No goddess would let her daughter be friends with a pirate.]

But when the Djinn appears, wielding the stolen artifacts, he offers Paula an ultimatum. Become a mortal vessel for his dark god, or die…[I'm guessing she finds a third option.] [Is she mortal? She's the daughter of an ancient goddess. How long has she been around?]

This novel, The Last Remaining Light, is complete at 100,000 words. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely Yours,


Notes

Well, it's all plot, and while a lot of plot isn't always a bad thing, this sounds crazier than it probably is. I'd cut out the camel and the mercenary job, and redo the plot description concentrating on the artifacts.

I can't tell whether it's fantasy (magic amulet), adventure (pirate), horror (zombies), children's (talking camel), mystery (embedded clues), litfic (the title), or inspirational (glorious resurrection). Agents and editors want to know whom you see as your audience. Possibly everyone. But in trying to show the book's appeal to everyone, you may clutter the query with junk that doesn't work.


Selected Comments

Novelust said...I get it. A sort of Twelfth Night meets Laybrinth meets Aladdin meets Diablo thing. *blink*


HawkOwl said...I'd guess it's a children's book. It sounds like it could be completely fabulous, but most likely isn't. The query doesn't inspire confidence. However, if I were an agent, I'd read the first couple pages and see if it's well-written.


pookel said...This sounds like a fun B-movie. Don't know how it would work as a book. It also sounds a LOT like a Nanowrimo novel. Pirates? Oh yeah. Not that there's anything wrong with Nanowrimo novels, it just sounds like this one needs another few edits to turn into a real plot.


acd said...Oh, wow. This query is packed with awesome elements that make absolutely no sense together.

I think you might have the same problem on this query that I did on mine, author: wanting to sell it on cool points. Cool points are--well, cool--but you need to sell the book on its story. I suggest taking a good look at what the story is about. It's not about zombies and intelligent camels and pirates, although those are awesome. It's about Paula learning where she came from. If she goes about this via the artifacts, then take EE's advice and focus the query on those.

I'd read it if you could convince me that it makes sense. I'm willing to beta it, if you need; my email is in my blog. Good luck!


whitemouse said...Author, your love of sparkly-awesome plot ideas seems to be getting in the way of you putting together a coherent and believable plot. I see a list of events in this query, but I don't see how they could possibly lead from one to the next in a logical fashion. In fact, the sheer density of cliched or desperately unlikely events makes me think I'd never be able to suspend my sense of disbelief while reading this book.

I hope the book itself makes more sense than is implied here, because your query makes it sound like seven kinds of crazy.

I'd recommend really thinking out cause and effect for all the major plot points in your novel, and then rewriting the query to stress how one thing leads to another. Currently, I can't follow what's going on.


Evil Minion 213.34 said...Heheh. That was my query. I'm famous now.

This version is really, really dated now. Six versions later, I define the plot and leave all the weird details out, and it reads like a semi-coherent fantasy query.


Cathy Writes Romance said...This story requires imagination, and you have it, along with determination. One thing I've heard published authors say over-and-over is to not let others critique you out of your story. Don't remove the edges, which include something as imaginative as a magic camel.
Evil Editor is right in that you need to make your query letter emphasize your imagination and the characters in this story and then reapproach the query. Repost, please.

It's a charming idea that needs to be promoted better in the query.


MaryKaye said...I assumed at the top of the query that Paula was from our world, and became increasingly puzzled with the plot summary until I finally realized that she (probably) wasn't. You might want to address this somehow--or maybe I'm the only one who was confused by it.


Anonymous said...All I'd really like to know is what, if any, connection there is between the story and its title - I can't parse that out of the query at all.


writtenwyrdd said...I agree with hawkowl, it sounds like it could be completely fabulous, but probably isn't. (Well said!)
One problem, as EE points out, is that the elements describe about every genre out there. This gives me the sense of Terry Pratchett's wacky comedic books about Discworld. If that's what you are aiming for, author, go for it. But if you aren't aiming for comedy, perhaps consider whether the elements you have in mind actually bring something to the quest for her memories and the 'glorious resurrection'.

BTW, "glorious resurrection" - Ech. Perhaps a new term?


Mazement said...Re: Plot #4. There's a variation on this dilemma at the end of the movie "Heathers". The solution is to light the schoolmates with the match and then light the cigarette with the schoolmates.


HawkOwl said...Why couldn't you just light the corpses and then use the same match to light the cigarette? Or vice-versa?


Anonymous said...Way too little challenge in that; you see, the classmates weren't corpses when they were lit on fire. They were chattering gasoline-drenched teenagers. The trick was to let the explosion light the cigarette.


Anonymous said...Corpses? Such a lack of PC-ness. The term is "pulse challenged," people!

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Face-Lift 1131

Guess the Plot

Turning Good

1. Fenalda, apprentice of evil wizard Malvario, decides to turn good. Normally this would require Malvario to turn her into a bug, but he has developed a soft spot for her, so he lets her off the hook, hoping the League of Evil Magic never finds out he did something nice.

2. Lucifer never expected to be disappointed in his child, but it seems God just has to up the ante. If Lu doesn't act fast his hell spawn will be welcomed into Heaven for . . . Turning Good.

3. Nothing grows at Camp Yellow Pond. Not even the shadows at sunset. At least that's what everyone believes until a single sprout erupts from the putrid water. Could it be the lake is . . . Turning Good?

4. Fletcher Donahue has played a villain in 64 movies, and he's sick of it. His agent tells him no audience will ever believe he's good--he exudes evil from his raspy voice to his hawk-like eyes to his strange mannerisms. But Fletcher won't give in. He'll stop at nothing to play the hero.

5. Assassin Alison MacDuff just got engaged to the love of her life, an evangelical pastor. She's ready to reform for his sake, but now her old compatriots are threatening to tell him about her past. There's only one solution. She has to kill them all, and fast.

6. Teen rebel Dan Greely pulled one stunt too many. He's been sent to 180 Degrees Reformatory which claims to turn the worst delinquents into model citizens. Dan thought nothing could change him, but after one day of "special tutorials," he realizes he’s got to escape while he’s still in control enough to warn the world.




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Malvario’s thirteen-year-old apprentice, Fenalda, decides to turn good, he’s faced with an embarrassing dilemma. As an evil wizard, he ought to destroy Fenalda or at least transform her into something nasty, but Malvario can’t bear to harm her. Instead, they agree on a ruse. She pretends to escape his clutches, and he publicly swears vengeance on her. [I'd start a new paragraph here.] If the League of Evil Magic learns that Malvario helped Fenalda change sides, they’ll have his head for consorting with good. And if Fenalda’s new mentors at the Guild of Good Magic learn she’s still in regular contact with Malvario, they’ll blacklist her for consorting with evil. She shares her secret only with her new friend Briarwood the Disenchanter, a wizard who has dedicated his life to rescuing people transformed by evil spells. He warns her to be careful—Malvario really is evil and there’s no telling what he might do. [Dump that last sentence.]

Two years later, Fenalda, now fifteen, [Got it. 13 + 2 = 15] discovers that Briarwood has a consorting secret of his own, and it just went sour. [That makes it sound like the secret is consorting with someone. "...Briarwood has been doing some consorting of his own, and it's coming back to bite him." is better, but better still is to tell us what happened. His consorting went sour is vague.] Now Tanis, a beautiful evil enchantress, is out to wreak vengeance [No, no, you wreak havoc. You take vengeance.] on him and, through some twisted reasoning, on Fenalda, too. [What's Tanis's beef?] When Malvario learns about the threat to Fenalda, he rushes to her rescue. Briarwood reluctantly agrees to accept Malvario's help in tracking Tanis. But Malvario has neglected to mention that his plan to save Fenalda involves sacrificing Briarwood as well as any of Fenalda's other Guild friends who happen to get in the way. [Furthermore, Tanis knows that Malvaria and Briarwood are tracking her, but Malvaria and Briarwood know that she knows, and she knows this. When Malvaria contracts malaria in Moldova, Fenalda cures him with a potion of fennel and tannis root, infuriating Tanis.]

Meanwhile, Fenalda joins a new study group and discovers that the Guild of Good Magic hides a secret that could shortly cause the destruction of Guild and League alike. [We don't need this. We care what happens to Fenalda, not to the Guild and the League.]

Turning Good, a YA fantasy adventure novel, is complete at 143,000 words. [It's too long. Make it two books or take a chainsaw to it.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.



Notes

Fenalda has a secret, Malvario has two secrets, Briarwood has a secret, and the Guild of Good Magic has a secret. Malvario and Briarwood know Fenalda's secret, Fenalda and Briarwood know Malvario's first secret, Fenalda knows Briarwood's and the Guild's secrets. I assume Tanis knows Briarwood's secret, and that's why she's out for vengeance. Only Malvario's 2nd secret, that he's planning to sacrifice Briarwood, is really a secret, and I'm betting Briarwood suspects it.

Is it really necessary to track Tanis? If she wants vengeance on Malvario and Fenaldo, she's tracking them. Wait around and she'll show up. Or is her quest for vengeance another secret?

The main plot seems to be the Tanis threat. You could remove the two sentences about the Guild and the League from paragraph 1 (I know, I suggested you make them paragraph 2, but that was before I knew Tanis even existed). That gives you plenty of room to tell us what Briarwood did to bring on the wrath of Tanis, and what the Bri/Fen/Mal team plans to do about her. Possibly it'll be easier to follow if you focus on the main plot.

That the villain is more interested in Briarwood than in your protagonist could be bothersome. Tanis's "twisted reasoning" is all that puts Fenalda in danger? Was Fen involved in any way in Briarwood's consorting? If not, how does Tanis even know Fen exists?

Q & A

Is there a way we can vote on our favorite fake plots? 

I estimate there are about 5700 fake plots. It would be a lot of work to read them all seeking nominees. If we had 23 volunteers each willing to read the fake plots of 50 Face-Lifts and choose the best ones, we could narrow those results down, and then we could narrow that total down to maybe 50 and have a vote. Still, that would require trusting all 23 volunteers to know what they're doing. And since some of the fake plots are funny all by themselves while others are funny only if you know the book's title, there would have to be two votes.

We have had votes in the past on the best collections of fake plots; that is, titles that inspired a lot of great fake plots. You may read the winners and other nominees by clicking on "Guess the Plot Awards" in the sidebar labels.

Face-Lift 1130

Guess the Plot

The Medal

1. Gabriel is not looking forward to this year's Angel Olympics. Michael has won the javelin throw for the past twelve hundred years. Satan offers to replace Michael's platinum javelin with a replica, but in return he wants Gabe to sneak him back into heaven. Will Gabriel lose again, or take the deal?

2. Controversy erupts in Cold Falls when it's discovered that the winner of the annual 5k Race To The Falls is doping. So is the 2nd place winner. And the 3rd, and the 4th. Ultimately, the medal is awarded to Ambrose Bledsoe, who ambled the course with his Bichon Frise, Toodles, in six hours, 43 minutes.

3. Surfer Logan Quinn is on his last leg. Literally. A great white shark ate his other one. One day an Olympic gold medalist lets Logan try on his magical medal, and before you know it Logan regains his form as a champion surfer. Also, an inquisitive dolphin.

4. Lyn never knew his grandfather; the WWII vet died when he was still a young child. He grew up hearing stories of the old man's generally evil, nasty temper. When he finds a box containing his grandfather's war memorabilia, will he discover that Gramps was a hero--or a bastard?

5. Shani's wanted an Olympic gold medal since she was 3. Ice skating ended in hospitalization, as did gymnastics, running, three-day event, fencing, and curling. Confined to a wheelchair, can she finally medal at the Paralympics--or should she just break down and buy a replica from Home Shopping Network?

6. Ginger has trained for the Olympics since she was ten. Endless workouts, laps, lifting, spartan diet--she's done it all. But when she finally reaches the Olympics, will she be able to stay the course in the 4X400--or will that disturbingly handsome Venezuelan cyclist knock her off-stride?



Original Version

Logan Quinn is living the life he's been trained for, until the day a Great White Shark shreds his dreams by claiming half of his left leg. [He becomes obsessed with hunting down that white shark. I call the book Moby Mako.] Unable to continue his life as an elite surfer, [he becomes a world-class hopscotch athlete.] he’s lost his career, the love of his life, and the last dregs of his dignity. [No need to switch from present tense.] [Wait, the love of his life dumps him because a shark ate his leg, and he's the one with no dignity?] Working at a dead-end job at a Cash-for-Gold, Logan is on his last leg, literally and figuratively.

Little does he know that an old man who wants to sell some of his late wife’s jewelry will change his life forever. George Akina is a former Olympic gold medalist who recognizes the former surf champion and invites Logan to try on his medal, inviting him to imagine greatness. Logan does just that. When the medal disappears into Logan's chest, George tells him the same thing happened to him twenty years prior, and that the medal's magic has kept him alive and healthy for many years past his wife's death. Logan doesn't believe in magic of any kind, but he's forced to admit he's feeling optimistic for the first time in many years. [So optimistic he quits Cash-for-Gold and applies at National Pawn.]

George dies soon after, willing the medal to Logan [George got the medal back? Did he reach into Logan's chest like that bad guy in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom or like that bad woman on Once Upon a Time, except grabbing the medal instead of Logan's heart?] with the caveat that he regain his position as one of the elite surfers in the world, [That's like me willing my estate to Evil Jr. with the caveat that he take up tennis and win Wimbledon.] a task Logan is reluctant to attempt. But, with encouragement and help from a neighbor, George's youngest son and his wife, a slew of old friends, [the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, ], an inquisitive dolphin, and even the ex-wife he still loves but lost, he decides to give it a shot.

Logan begins his climb back up the ladder to success. [Figuratively, but not literally.] He just might make it, despite his obvious handicap and opposition from some of George's offspring. [They want the medal? They don't have a leg to stand on.] That is, unless [the Association of Surfing Professionals rules that using a crutch on his surfboard gives him an unfair competitive advantage.] someone else needs the medal more than he does, especially when that person arrives in the form of George's great-granddaughter [who was forced to quit the LPGA when a wolverine ate her left arm]. [I don't think "especially when" works there. You could start a new sentence: And that person arrives...  And include why she needs the medal.

The Medal is an 80,500 word novel. [Your genre is expected; I'd call it magic realism.]

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

If George got the medal back and died soon after, perhaps it wasn't the medal that was keeping him alive after all.

Does Logan have an artificial leg?

You'd think if George's great-granddaughter needs the medal more than Logan does, George would have willed it to her.

If you're going to use the "last leg" line, I recommend opening the query with it: Logan Quinn is on his last leg, literally and figuratively.

The inquisitive dolphin is distracting me from the theme/conflict.

I would mention that Logan's a pro surfer before I mention that a shark claimed his leg. Also, "shark" is good enough. Otherwise readers may wonder if Logan took the time to identify the shark as it swam off with his leg. Plus, if you mention "Great White" someone may think the quality of your book is comparable to that of the movie Jaws 4: The Revenge. You definitely don't want that.

Face-Lift 1129

Guess the Plot

Morgan for the Faeries

1. He had a reputation as the cruelest of all the pirates, but when his ship veers off course and docks in Faerie, Morgan develops a soft spot for the magical immortals. But can he save them from the approaching British fleet?

2. Morgan wakes up in a crashed alien craft in the Rockies. When he reaches the outside, he faces an army of faeries and must fight to make it to a mountaintop hideaway that contains the tools he needs to save the last humans on Earth. Trust me, it makes sense in the book.

3. Bored with Faerie, a merry troupe of Fae set off to tour the U.S. in a Morgan V6 Roadster. They break down in northern Arkansas, where they join a commune and learn to bake whole-grain bread. Then someone fixes their Morgan, and they go on their merry way; first in a series.

4. Assisting the giants left him with busted bones. Championing the werewolves left him with torn flesh. This time he's won't get routed by those he supports. No, this time it's Morgan, for the Faeries.

5. Morgan is kidnapped by the Fae when her mother dies. She's almost adjusted to the new life when she gets the biggest surprise of all...Mom isn't dead; she's the Faerie Queen! Yae!

6. Morgan's lot in life is to travel from Faerie to the human world to make changes in history. When she's sent to find some missing fae future Los Angeles, she stumbles onto the U.S. president's plot for world domination. Luckily, she brought along her secret crush, the half-goat god Pan. Can they save the faeries--and the world?


Original Version

Greetings O Agent Terrificus,

I am seeking representation for "Morgan for the Faeries," my 80,000-word YA paranormal dystopian with a noirish mystery vibe.

Seventeen-year-old Morgan has been trying to prove her worth for years. Stuck in the shadow of her late mother, Morgan le Fay, and raised in Faerie by the divine Sisters Three, [Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé.] she’s spent her life slipping into the human world at different points in history, making changes at the Sisters’ request. [She's like Sam from Quantum Leap, except she works with the Kardashians instead of Al Calavicci.] So when faeries start disappearing from late twenty-first century Los Angeles, Morgan jumps at the chance to solve the mystery and finally gain the Sisters’ respect. [Not clear why she doesn't have their respect already if she's spent her life making changes at their request. If she's been screwing up all her missions, why don't they send someone else?] Along with her childhood friend Pan, Horned God of the Forest (and Morgan’s secret love interest), Morgan storms into the mortal world, determined to recover the missing faeries.

But downtown Los Angeles feels more like Arthurian Britain than the entertainment capital of the world. [That's because she stormed onto the set of A Knight's Tale IV.] The leader of the U.S. lives in a gilded palace while the masses rot on the streets. [That's the way it's been throughout actual history in every country.] This leader, known only as the Reverend, rose to power following his accurate prediction of a series of cataclysmic events [Here's where we deviate from actual history, as in most ages he would have been blamed for the cataclysmic events and burned at the stake]. — events he claimed the Book of Revelation helped him predict. Morgan’s seen guys like him before (back in her mother’s day, they were called “kings”) and she suspects his doomsday predictions mask a power-hungry desire to dominate the masses. [Probably not necessary to characterize a desire to dominate the masses as "power-hungry."] But can she uncover his plans without sacrificing the safety of the missing faeries? [You've made no connection between him and the missing faeries. Is he holding them prisoner?] [Why does Morgan believe the leader of the United States is behind kidnapping the faeries? If a bunch of people went missing in Washington D.C., no one (except Fox News) would blame Obama.]

In the end, a sacrifice will be made, whether Morgan chooses it or not. The Reverend’s gearing up for a final power play, one that involves worldwide domination, a public massacre of all the creatures he believes to be demons, and Pan: the boy [goatboy] with cloven feet and horns who’s known Morgan’s value all along.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Allow me to confirm that the final plot sentence means what it says, namely that the Reverend's final power play involves three things: worldwide domination, a public massacre, and Pan. Or is it possible what you meant to say is: The Reverend’s gearing up for a final power play, one that involves worldwide domination and a public massacre of all the creatures he believes to be demons, including Pan... I ask because it's hard to believe Pan is a crucial part of the Reverend's plan, because Pan just got there. Also because Pan is the god of fields, groves and theatrical criticism. Also because he's a pipe-playing goatboy.

"Goatboy." Say it five times fast.

So is the Reverend's plan to massacre the Faeries and claim they were demons, in hopes that this will lead to world domination? If he just wanted to dominate South America that might work, but people in Australia and Canada will never buy into it.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Dork Squad

1. The story of retail midget Pretty-Good Purchase's unsuccessful venture into computer support services.

2. 13-year old Mattie joins with his dork friends to strike it rich in the dog excrement removal business.

3. Someone is accosting the girls at Caltech. Can freshman Ollie Blotz organize his squad in time to stop another incident?

4. Dyslexic geekboy Hubert Pipple thinks he's about to meet his favorite superhero, The Dark Squid. Boy, is he in for a surprise!

5. After their school is named "America's Most Uncool High School," Tiffany, Amber, and Josh take matters into their own hands--and one by one the dorks begin to disappear.

6. Officer Jimmy Buck always referred to his high school ride-alongs as the "Dork Squad"--until one four-eyed math whiz kid solves a murder and saves four lives... including Jimmy's.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

As a mother to three boys, I realize how difficult it can be to get them to read. Heck, it's hard enough to get my teenager to talk to me most of the time. [One word: cocaine. You won't be able to shut him up.]

I hope you will consider representing my Middle Grade novel for boys aged 10 and up entitled: “The Dork Squad.”

Mattie is a skinny geek with braces, but he doesn’t mind. He does mind that his successful, but workaholic mother is a MILF. [I hope you mean she's a member of the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, because a lot of parents aren't gonna want to have to explain the other meaning to their ten-year-olds. And yes, I'm aware there are plenty of ten-year-olds who would have to explain this to their parents, but how many publishers want to risk the wrath that might descend upon them when they put out a fiction book for kids with "MILF" in it?] His father abandoned him for a new family in Seattle, and he can’t seem to grow any pubic hair,

[Dear Agent,

I'm seeking representation for a middle school soft porn novel. Mattie can't grow pubic hair, so his MILF mom lets him tag along to her bikini wax appointment so he can see that it's better to be bare. I call the book Muffless in Seattle.]

even though he is thirteen—going on fourteen.

Jake is Mattie’s long time friend who lives across the street. With a mother who works nights at Kmart [Next time I'm complaining about my job, remind that I could be working the night shift at K-mart.] and a teenage sister who is always on the phone, Jake doesn’t know where he fits in. An abrasive attitude hides the pain of the sudden loss of his dad to a heart attack the year before.

Trevor is the new kid in the neighborhood. Although his dad, a former college football player is overbearing, and he is cursed with twin little brothers, [Dad is cursed?] Trevor’s mom makes sure life is relatively normal.

Mattie and Jake welcome Trevor to their “dork squad," and instead of wasting the summer waiting for armpit hair to appear, the boys start a doggy doo pick up service, find out how family is fallible, and one of them gets more out their friendship than he ever thought possible. [I hope you don't mean one of them gets a romp in the sack with Mattie's mom. Though it would explain why you think the book will help get 10-year-old boys to read.]

I am a freelance writer with a BA in English. My poetry has been published in The Colorado Poet, The Crucible, Progenitor, and Soundings. I am a member of the SCBWI and the Lighthouse Writer’s Workshop.

“The Dork Squad” is complete at approximately 20,500 words. [The only way a book that short will have a readable spine is if it's loaded with pictures. I suggest an extensive photo gallery of Mattie's Mom. You may not get the audience you're looking for, but sales are sales.] May I send a copy of the manuscript for your perusal? Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours truly,


Notes

This is a list of facts about your characters. There's nothing about what happens. Does the Dork Squad have any interesting adventures? Or is it all about the life lessons learned in a summer of cleaning up after dogs? More plot, please. Or at least some plot.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...OK, I give. What's MILF?

Evil Editor said...Don't you know how to Google?

Anonymous said...I'm afraid of where that might take me...

Evil Editor said...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milf

Anonymous said...Thanks, EE. This place is nothing if not educational.


xiqay said...I'm not thrilled with the title--it's cute, but I can see a lot of dorky boys avoiding it like the plague and not many cool or jock boys or others rushing to read it.

And as for the query, I didn't like the opening much. Anyone writing for mid-grade wants to hit a wide audience, including boys. Lamenting that your sons don't read enough doesn't tell me anything about the real market for your novel.


Cathy said...I can respect that you are trying to really do a deep-dive into the minds of 10 year old boys, but 10 year old boys aren't buying their own books, as a rule. Their parents are.

Maybe you should remove the MILF reference in your query and get to the deeper plot of your story.

I do not know if you're a parent of children this age, but I am. And, as a parent of a 12 year old, I'm looking for coming-of-age stories with a strong moral theme disguised as fun. You may have this but are billing it all wrong.


Annie said...There is no way I would buy a book for a ten-year old if the back blurb talked about MILFs and pubic hair.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a prude, and I'm not the type who thinks kids and teens should be utterly sheltered from all references to sex. But, from the query, this doesn't sound like quality literature that deals with tough coming of age issues.

I don't understand the point of this book at all because there is no plot summary. What do these boys DO? What is the point of their club? What adventures or experiences do they have?

If it's a fantastic story, I can look past some level of crudity, especially if it lends credibility to the characters. But if it's crude for shock value...no thank you. And I think you'd have a very hard time marketing such a book to parents or schools.


Anonymous said...Whew! That was painful. Rather have a root canal than submit to Evil Editor again! Sheesh.


Kelly Jones said...Whoa, now. As a former children's librarian, I can assure you that pubic hair in middle-grade books for boys is not a reason not to publish it.
I do agree that MILF in the non-Moro Liberation context is probably pushing it for middle-grade, but not necessarily for teen books (which do contain sex--and are often banned). (Keep in mind that kids typically read about kids a few years older than they are--and not about kids that are younger.)

For the author, I would suggest replacing MILF with something like hottie, if that's what you're going for. Even better, a brief scene where your protagonist cringes while a man or fellow tween/teen ogles her. And, you'll have an easier time if it's for teens, if you really want to keep it at a sexual level, not just looking down her shirt or something.

And, for anyone who hasn't read it, I recommend Judy Blume's _Then Again, Maybe I Won't._

Let there be more boy books like _Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret_!


Anonymous said...Kelly, Thank you so much. I was starting to feel ill reading all these crazy comments about sex and 10 yo.

The book is SO NOT about the mom AT ALL. It is about 3 almost teens who are trying to figure themselves out without a father's influence and with absent mothers.

Also, what Jake gets at the end of the book is all the money each makes from the dog poo service. The boys give it Jake because his mom struggles financially.

Glad you all got a good joke out of it, though.


Evil Editor said...The author has told us more about the plot in her comment than she did in the query. No need to harp on the MILF and pubic hair any more, she gets the point; leave them out of the query (and, in the case of the former, the book). Future comments should be constructive, clearly it's a real book.


2readornot said...Fwiw, I'm also a member of SCBWI, and I'm sure I'm read something from this book before (I remember the title) -- and it had no references whatsoever to MILF or pubic hair...in fact, I thought it was clever. I'm guessing the book is much better (and more geared to mg age-group than seems here) than the query suggests. Good luck, author!


Chumplet said...We have businesses that advertise poop scooping in the business directory of our newspaper. Apparently, business is so good they really clean up!

pacatrue said...I think there is a lot of potential in the book myself, once the offensive term is dropped. It's possible that one day MILF will be divorced enough from what it stands for that it won't be offensive, like FUBAR or the sentence "that movie sucked" doesn't make most people's ears turn red anymore. But that time isn't yet, as we can tell from the response here.

That said, I definitely get the potential of some of the ideas presented in the query. I remember distinctly in 7th grade at the age of 10 for me looking at a girl in class and for the first time feeling something that freaked me out. Hitting puberty can be really unsettling. So if the boy is beginning to have these weird thoughts about icky girls and sees his friends fawning over his hot mom - well, that's comedy. (And I'm sorry but every boy from 11 up has some friend's mom they think is hot.) Any mom kissing a dad is a major source of embarassment, so I can't imagine what it is like to see her kissing her date good night - or worse, seeing your stupid friends see her kissing her date good night.

Have fun with it and keep trying things out with groups like this so that you can drop things that put people off, like the term, and keep the important things that are funny and moving when done well.


Dave said...If this is part of the plot,"The book is SO NOT about the mom AT ALL. It is about 3 almost teens who are trying to figure themselves out without a father's influence and with absent mothers."

Then say so in the letter. A coming of age for boys with "less-than-devoted" fathers and working mothers will work. Every boy struggles with the physical changes in his body.

Twins do mess up the older siblings lives, they draw attention away.

All those elements sound good.


Anonymous said...Comments here were extreme but honest. Imagine how a 'real life' agent will react. Remember, you'll only have a few seconds to impress, hook 'n land.

Your book may be wonderful but all we notice are the key words in your query - dork, geek, pubic hair, armpit hair and doggie doo - which automatically repel. You need to include the plus side. PPP: put in the positives, please.

I'm sorry but I don't think 10 yr old boys are bothered about puberty issues.


Undercover said...Author, turning reluctant readers onto books is one of the greatest reasons to put pen to paper.

Your book sounds like a lot of fun--I can see 7-8 year olds reading it (as someone, EE?, mentioned--kids like reading about characters a few years older than themselves).

Good luck with this.


Cathy said...Dear Author,

I've often been forced to describe my book/scene better when harshly critiqued.

The reason everyone reacted the way they did is because that's what you presented--and little else--in the query letter.

Hence, the purpose of this exercise. You know your story. EE does not. We do not. So tell us the important aspects of your story.

I see EE got soft and gave you great advice. I think he loves us struggling authors ;o)


December Quinn said...

I'm glad someone else mentioned Are You There, God... because, while I agree the query may not be selling the book as well as it should, c'mon--thirty years ago people were shocked and stunned that someone would write a book for 10-13-year-old girls that mentioned developing breasts and starting periods in such graphic terms.

The poo probably makes it a lot more appealing to boys that age, too.

I wasn't lucky enough to have sons so I can't comment much on this, but as the author explained it above it sounds interesting.


Anonymous said...This doesn't sound like middle grade to me (and I'm a pubbed author of a middle grade series). MG is for 9-12 y/os. I also have a wild rocker of a 10 y/o son, who would not appreciate reading about a guy "pining for pubes." Your book sounds like something my 14 y/o son would love. Call it YA, which is for 12 and up and you're all set.


Beth said...Author--It is about 3 almost teens who are trying to figure themselves out without a father's influence and with absent mothers.

Also, what Jake gets at the end of the book is all the money each makes from the dog poo service. The boys give it Jake because his mom struggles financially.

Now if you put that in a letter...


Stephanie Blake, Colorado Writer said...Whew, thank you people for riding this out with me. Holy crap it was a rough night after the first few icky comments. I felt like I was being being crucified on here-- never again.

EE really is Evil.

Luckily, I have had several requests for partials since submitting to EE a few weeks ago...so I know I am not crazy.

Thanks to your comments: All references to MILF have been changed to hottie. I have reworked the query to target 13 and up (instead of 10 and up), but I have a whole new appreciation for what Judy Blume went through 20 years ago.

BTW, I have do have 3 boys: My 14 yo has read the book since the beginning and LOVES it. He is talking about doing a poo pickup business next summer.

Thanks again.


Talia Mana said...Colorado Writer...
well done on your success with requests for partials. Can you please post for our info your final query. I see from your blog that the book has been renamed and the age group has changed so I presume you also reworked the query???

We would love to see the submissions that resulted in requests for partials. I'm sure we could all learn from them.
Good luck.


writtenwyrdd said...The book sounds like it could be good, but the pubic hair thing might not really be a great fixation. dont' boys that age have as tough a time talking about their bodies as girls? And wouldn't they be more worries about, er, size?


Stephanie Blake, Colorado Writer said...Quite honestly I sent 10 query letters as they appeared on EE--resulting in 2 partials, one full and 7 form rejections.

2 personal rejections (with helpful comments, no mention of MILF, pass because of word count) and I haven't heard on the full.

I have sent a 2nd wave of queries (13 more). I had another request for a partial this week with the original letter, but had upped the word count to 25k and changed the title to As If.

The book is the book. I am fiddling with the length.

Since the comments on here: This will be my new query. Of course, I fear I have comma issues, so feel free to help me if you wish.

Please consider representing my young adult novel entitled: As If.

Meet Mattie, a skinny geek with braces. His father abandoned them for a new family in Seattle, his workaholic mother is a called a hottie around the neighborhood, and he can’t seem to grow any armpit hair, even though he is thirteen—going on fourteen. His goals in life are to make enough money to buy an Xbox, and to somehow convince his mom to let him have a dog.

Jake, Mattie’s best friend, lives across the street. With a mother who works nights at Kmart and a teenage sister who is always on the phone, Jake doesn’t know where he fits in. He hides the pain, from the loss of his dad, with an abrasive attitude, but longs for someone to love—mainly a girl named Veronica, but she is way beyond his reach.

Trevor is the new kid on the block. He hates sports with a passion. Cursed with twin brothers and an overbearing dad, who happens to be a former college football player, Trevor’s mom makes sure life, along with their home, is relatively perfect—but Trevor begins to wonders, “Is it too perfect?”

Join these three boys as they start a doggy doo pick up service for the summer and find out how family is fallible. When the boys share the profits from the business, Jake gets more support from their friendship, than he ever thought possible.

I am a freelance writer with a B.A. in English. I am a member of the SCBWI and the Denver Lighthouse Writer’s Workshop.

As If is my debut novel, complete at approximately 25,000 words. May I send a copy of the manuscript for your perusal? Thank you for your time and consideration.

Colorado Author


Talia Mana said...Hi again Colorado Writer

I approach queries as an executive summary of the book. Looking at it in that light I think that there is too much description of the characters balanced against the description of the plot.

My suggestion:

Meet Mattie, a skinny geek with braces. His father abandoned them for a new family in Seattle [i]delete irrelevant[/i], his workaholic mother is a called a hottie around the neighborhood [i]so? how does that link to the plot or cause him embarrassment or otherwise affect mattie[/i], and he can’t seem to grow any armpit hair, even though he is thirteen—going on fourteen. His goals in life are to make enough money to buy an Xbox, and to somehow convince his mom to let him have a dog.[i]i like this most kids will relate and so will most moms[/i]

Jake, Mattie’s best friend, [lives across the street. With][i]delete, has no bearing on the plot or characters, and replace with "has"[/i] a mother who works nights at Kmart and a teenage sister who is always on the phone, Jake doesn’t know where he fits in [i]wouldn't it be more interesting if he feels like a misfit? you are simply reciting facts about the characters. we need to know how those facts affect the action or the emotions of the characters i.e. the plot[/i]. He hides the pain, from the loss of his dad, with an abrasive attitude, but longs for someone to love—mainly a girl named Veronica, but she is way beyond his reach.

Trevor is the new kid on the block. He hates sports with a passion. Cursed with twin brothers and an overbearing dad, who happens to be a former college football player, Trevor’s mom makes sure life, along with their home, is relatively perfect—but Trevor begins to wonders, “Is it too perfect?” [i]i'd cull most of this. this is backstory[/i]

hope this helps. EE may have some better suggestions. it sounds like you are getting a good hit rate anyway. sounds like you are targeting the right authors and getting enough of a curiosity factor, but i think it can be improved by focusing on the twists/conflicts of the story.


Evil Editor said...If that's the story, that's the story. If they don't do much together besides pick up doggie doo, that could eventually get dull, so maybe it's better that it's short.

If, however, there's an exciting or hilarious scene that takes place during their workday, you might work it in at the expense of some of the character description.


Stephanie Blake, Colorado Writer said...
Thank you, thank you EE, Talia and Stargazer. You guys are going way above and beyond for my (beginning to feel) stupid query. I will work on it further.

EE: Don't give away your throne by being too nice.