Evil Editor's Blog, page 129

Face-Lift 1140

Guess the Plot

The Death of Ava Stanton

1. When Ava Stanton unfollows Evil Editor on Twitter, she learns why he isn't known simply as Grouchy Editor.

2. Ava Stanton asks President Lincoln to free all indentured vampires. The vampires don't want to be freed. They like their hours, their pensions and the blood they suck from witless citizens. They drain Ava's vital fluids, but Ava persists, even after death. It's time to call in the werewolves.

3. Finding a body of a young woman in a government secret underground facility raises lots of questions. How did a shy freshman from Hawaii get there? Why is everyone who came in contact with the body missing? And most importantly, even though she's been stashed in the morgue, is she really dead?

4. Ava Stanton is having visions of the future, visions in which she dies. When one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse enrolls at Ava's high school, she finally has someone who can help her. But there's one thing she didn't count on. She didn't count on falling in love with him.

5. The message is chilling: "I am going to kill Ava Stanton." But who left it in the mail slot of "Friendly Florist"? Which Ava Stanton? In what city? Or--is it a suicide note? Also, a handsome truck driver.

6. When physics student Ava Stanton joins Professor Nimble in an unplanned time jump to 1984, she sets in motion a chain of events ensuring that her parents never meet. Ava is never born, and the professor never travels through time. But he still remembers her, in his dreams. Can Ava communicate from the spirit realm and inspire the professor to save her from herself?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

THE DEATH OF AVA STANTON is a YA gothic romance, complete at 65,000 words.

Ava Stanton is falling in love and it might kill her.

It’s been three day [days] since Ava Stanton started turning into a freak. Three days since the visions of the gray world and her death, started. She can feel the sword of the white[-]eyed man sliding into her chest. Hear the boy, with words flowing over his skin, screaming her name. She just has to pretend to not be crazy and fade into the background at her new school. [It was all sounding like this dramatic saga in a mythic world, And then you added "at her new school."]

Ava succeeds in hiding the visions, until Eli, the boy from her dreams, shows up. The images are growing stronger [Actually feeling a sword sliding into her chest wasn't strong enough?] and she is losing control. As she dives deeper into the mystery of the visions, lies of her family, and Eli’s connection, the truth unfolds. [Diving deeper into a mystery doesn't sound like the action of someone losing control.] She can see the future and the true form of immortals. Immortals like the white[-]eyed fallen angels, destined to kill her, and Eli, a Horseman of the Apocalypse. [When you said Eli showed up, did you mean he was the new kid at school or that he rode in on a fiery-red horse?]

She is falling in love with War and running out of time. The gray world is coming, along with her death and only Eli can help her. [But first he calls in his buddies, Conquest, Famine and Death, because when you're trying to convince a high school girl that she isn't crazy, you want as much help as you can get.] The words etched in his skin connect their fates. [What language was used when the words were etched in his skin?] She must change the future to save herself. [Of course if she saves herself, you'll have to come up with a new title.]

Thank you for you time and consideration.


Notes

Get rid of "Ava Stanton is falling in love and it might kill her."

The following paragraph is okay as an opening, but the other plot paragraphs are vague. You might consider scrapping the whole thing and starting something like: As if attending a new school weren't horrifying enough for 16-year-old Ava Stanton, now she's having visions of her death at the hands of fallen angels. Just when she thinks she's losing her mind, she meets Eli, a boy who claims to be one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Suddenly Ava's mental state doesn't seem so bad.

Those last two sentences probably shouldn't be used unless you rewrite this as a comedy. Which I recommend. Otherwise just tell us what happens in plain English. And get more of what makes this appealing to a YA audience into the query. It seems like the story could as easily be about an adult as a teen.

"Gothic romance" made me think 19th century. Feeling like a freak at her new school made me think contemporary. Including when it takes place and Ava's age will help.

You'd think a Horseman of the Apocalypse would have better things to do than disguise himself as a teenager so he can hook up with a high school girl.

Is the romance between Ava and Eli or Ava and War? Are we mainly concerned with Ava's future, or the future of the world? Does War want to change the future?

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Portal to Doom

1. Bess knew the 6 unplanned kids had been hard on her husband--hell, they'd been hard on her, too. But if he didn't find a more pleasant anatomical euphemism regarding their lovemaking, she thought she might leave him.

2. A greeting card proofreader, transported into a high-priced parallel universe where his ex-girlfriend Brandi is the supreme ruler, decides to stick around, overthrow Brandi, and introduce low-cost goods and services.

3. Reality TV meets Game Show as Monty Hall tries to revivify his Let's Make a Deal career...only this time, those aren't kitchen appliances behind doors #1, 2, and 3.

4. Skip spends so much time trying to break the record for most consecutive hours playing Doom, he eventually sets the Guinness record for oldest man still living in his Mom's basement.

5. The town council of Doom, Idaho (pop. 823) had long sought ways to draw more visitors to their sleepy burg. But when a wormhole opens up in the town square, bringing tourists from across the universe, they long for the good old days.

6. There was a pervading hint of depth to everyday shadows, as if Paul could reach through them into some silent ocean of darkness. And then, one day, he could.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Editor,

Jerry Manger is bored with his tedious life as a greeting card proofreader in Dayton, Ohio, [Evil Editor once developed a line of greeting cards. I was disenchanted with the highly general nature of cards, and thought there might be a market for highly specific cards. For example, this one was a sympathy card that could be sent to an animal-rights activist who'd recently run over a squirrel or a possum:

A precious life.
Taken far too early,
And yet, be saddened not . . .
Thanks to you,
The circle of life spins on,
As the guts in the street
Feed vultures and maggots.

Here's the ad I produced promoting my cards:




so one day he decides to spice things up by seeking anonymous sex at a rest stop on Highway 35. [When you're bored with your tedious life, anonymous sex at a highway rest stop is more likely to drive you to suicide than spice things up.] However, what he thinks is a glory hole is in fact a portal to a parallel universe which, at first glance, appears to be even more boring and tedious than the life he's used to. [Might I suggest that the portal--at least in the query--be the stall at the far end of the men's room, the one marked "Out of Order," which Jerry absent-mindedly enters? When your prospective editor reads two sentences and Googles "glory hole" and finds herself directed to numerous x-rated sites, that may be the end.]

Unfortunately for Jerry, it's also more expensive, and after blowing most of his cash on ill-advised alternate universe souvenirs, [My uncle went to the Delta Quadrant of the Gamma Nigiri Universe, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.] he doesn't have enough money to pay the toll to get back into the alternate universe rest stop.

Deciding to make the best of the situation, he decides to live out the rest of his natural life as a street person hassling strangers for spare change, [The rest of his life? Why doesn't he use the first day's spare change to pay the toll?] until one day he's startled to notice the face of Brandi, his cruel ex-girlfriend from many years ago, on the front of all the fifty-cent pieces. [It must be an alternate universe, if people are walking around with fifty-cent pieces. I haven't seen one in four years.]

After doing some investigation, he learns that Brandi is in fact the supreme ruler of the alternative universe, and reigns from a giant aluminum mansion in Alternate Universe Flint Michigan. Undaunted by descriptions of Alternate Universe Flint Michigan that make it seem even more scary and depressing than the real one, Jerry sets out to overthrow Empress Brandi and bring happiness and low prices to the universe, or at least find out why she left him for that jerk Chet from the fitness center all those years ago.

"The Portal To Doom" is an 85,000-word tale of courage, redemption, and unsanitary rest areas. A full or partial manuscript is available upon request.

Sincerely,



Selected Comments

Anonymous said...Noooo! How could you cut the glory hole? Tut tut, EE. Who knew you were such a prude? I hope the author keeps it.


tlh said...That has GOT to be a joke. How would he even fit his entire body through the portal? Maybe it's supposed to be a comedy. Note, when googling for something you think may be sexual slang, restrict the search to wikipedia. You'll be happier. Trust me.

BuffySquirrel said...How does he defeat her--by fixing an election?


aimijb said...How could he blow all his money on souvenirs? He has our-world money, sans Brandi's face. Every store would take one look at his money (or his credit cards they've never heard of) and say no way pal. He'd STILL have to bum spare change off of people, he just wouldn't have any keychains to take back with him.


desert snarkling said...If this is real, it could actually be pretty funny. The way to write it would be to just pull out all the stops and let it be as whacked out as it wants to be.


me said...It’s interesting that you can go to an alternate universe using currency from your world - yet, when the plot demands it, change the currency in the alternate universe to have your ex’s face on it.


December Quinn said...I don't care about the plot holes, I think this sounds freaking awesome.


Will said...A real book: yes. A completed book: er, no. But I'm working on it.


Anonymous said...The money is not a plot hole -- the money in the alternate universe is the same *except* for Brandi's face on the 50-cent piece. Which of course would take a while to notice because how often does anyone use a 50-cent piece? It's all perfectly rational. Except for how he fit his whole body through a glory hole. Ouch.


Poohba said...I made it to "Alternate Universe Flint, Michigan" before spewing my coffee. I needed a beverage alert for that one.


SpecRom Joyce said..."However, what he thinks is a glory hole is in fact a portal to a parallel universe..." This one should have had a beverage alert!

The plot put me in mind of The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalpyse, by an author whose name now escapes me, which was grand surrealist fun.

Crossing into another dimension via a glory hole would be an auto buy for me.


S. W. Vaughn said...Wow, Will! Very Adams-esque, with a dash of Pratchett (minus the dwarves and trolls, of course). I could see myself enjoying this.
Write on!


Mazement said...After I'd read "Guess the Plot", my first reaction was: "Sigh, it's going to be #6. Why can't it ever be one of the fun ideas, like #2? I'd like to read that one!" That's the first time I've had this reaction, so maybe that's a good sign.

JerseyGirl said...I'm with mazement, that one of the fun ones (for a change) turned out to be the actual query (yay!). Sounds like a great, humorous story - right up my alley. Go for it!

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Short Timer

1. The dynamite set, Eleanor Priddle ponders the meaning of life in her remaining two seconds.

2. It is Garrett McCarthy's lifelong dream to be an official timekeeper for the Olympic marathon, and he is determined not to let his dwarfism keep him from achieving it.

3. The story of Sid Charles, sentenced to three to five years for armed robbery, whose records get mixed with those of a death row prisoner.

4. Detective Grant has only a short time before retirement when the biggest case of his career falls into his lap--someone has murdered the Loch Ness monster.

5. Celebrity chef Drake Cutter accidentally uncovers a scheme to assassinate the first female U.S. President. Can he and his sexy sous-chef save the President, armed only with a creme brulee torch and an egg timer?

6. She's a six-foot-six center in the WNBA. He's the home team's five-foot tall clock manager with a giant crush. Will he fudge the timekeeping of the championship game to win her love?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Detective Sergeant George Grant just wanted to mark time for ten more days. He and the Missus had a nice little Guest House all picked out for their retirement. The last thing he wanted for his final case was the murder of the century. [Murder of the century? Who's the victim? A movie star? A senator? The Pope?]

An elephant-sized reptilian carcass with flippers and a long tail has washed up on the banks of the Loch at Inverness. And its head is missing. [The victim in the murder of the century is a fish?] [How do they know it didn't die of natural causes, wash ashore, and then someone cut off its head?]

Trapped in a media frenzy, DS Grant is as shocked as TV viewers the world over to discover that the creature is not a hoax. Every byline in the literate world shares the same lead: Where is the head of the Loch Ness Monster?

[Open up. Police.
Yes, what is it officer?
We have a warrant to search the premises, ma'am.
Goodness. What are you looking for?
The severed head of the Loch Ness monster.]

The mystery will lead DS Grant to Veterinarian Gwynneth McInnes. Her doctor, and the police, dismissed her semi-conscious ramblings about being abducted by an elderly local bridge club as a product of her recent concussion. But Dr. McInnes’ story is supported by one crucial bit of evidence: DNA at the bridge club’s hostess’ house matches the creature.

[Gwynneth: I was abducted by some bridge players.
Officer #1: We don't believe you. If only you had proof.
Officer #2 (bursting into room): Joe, DNA from the Loch Ness monster has just turned up.
Officer#1: Where?
Officer#2: In the home of a bridge player.
Officer #1: Hmm. Possibly a coincidence.]

[It's obvious what's going on. The elderly bridge players caught the Loch Ness monster and were keeping it in the hostess's swimming pool. After the monster ate the pool boy and three neighbors, they decided people would get suspicious, so they abducted the veterinarian, drugged her, and forced her to sever the head of the monster. They then dumped the carcass in the Loch, and are keeping the head alive in a hot tub, in hopes of attaching it to the body of a more manageable animal: a giant panda.]

[The police find a concussed veterinarian who claims she was abducted by a bridge club. They dismiss her ramblings. Yet they go to the home of one of the bridge players and collect DNA evidence? And just for the heck of it, they compare it to the DNA of the Loch Ness Monster? You need to explain why they think there's a connection between the missing head and the vet.]

The angry American-émigré daughter of one of the elderly card sharps cannot account for her whereabouts on the night of the “murder.” [They know when the carcass washed ashore; do they also know the day and time it was "murdered?"] [Technically, killing the Loch Ness monster isn't murder, even if you put quotation marks around it.] If DS Grant can discover the motive for this bizarre act of mother-daughter rebellion, [What bizarre act of mother-daughter rebellion? All you've said is that the daughter couldn't account for her whereabouts at whatever time they think the monster's head was cut off.] he will solve the highest-rated TV news mystery of all time, locate the head of the monster, and unveil the face that has frustrated and fascinated conspiracy theorists and novelty-hunters for hundreds of years. [Actually, if you Google Loch Ness Monster and click "images" you'll find many photographs of Nessie. My favorite:

]

Short Timer is a completed 90,000 word speculative murder mystery, and my first novel. I am ready to work as hard as necessary to build a platform. A partial or full is ready. Thank you for your attention.

Sincerely,


Notes

Much of the plot seems improbable, but we'll trust the author to have logical explanations for everything in the book. Those plot points that cry out for explanations in the query are often best left out of the query if those explanations aren't included.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...This mystery is off-beat enough that I'd probably read it. (I agree that it does need an actual murder at some point, though.)


Anonymous said...A mystery this wacky needs a better title than "Short Timer." Like "Who Killed the Loch Ness Monster?"


Jenna Black said...I like Where is the Head of the Loch Ness Monster? as a title. Yes, it's long, but it's attention grabbing. Short Timer is way too bland for such a quirky story.


Yoyogod said...It sounds like it might be interesting, but you might want to do a little more research on Nessie and related subjects. Then you might learn that:

conspiracy theorists=People who think the government killed JFK.

cryptozoologists=People who chase after Nessie, Bigfoot, and other cryptids (hidden animals).


DrJSA said...I'd pick it up for the off-beat factor, though agree with the posters who've suggested a new title.
My niggle is the 'DNA evidence,' insomuch as matching the two samples would most likely require specific knowledge of Loch Ness monster DNA. If they've just discovered the first sample (the carcass), then I highly doubt enough research has been done on the beastie's DNA that a conclusive match could be made with the second sample (blood from the bridge club hostess) in what sounds like a relatively short timeframe.

I'd suggest the author have them find a different sort of evidence at the bridge club hostess's house, rather than invoking the Holy (and surprisingly limited) Power of DNA Analysis.


BuffySquirrel said...Erm, with regard to the dead monster and its severed head...what crime are the police investigating, exactly?


Daisy said...I agree on the DNA thing. In order to do that kind of analysis you need to start with some knowledge of the sequence, you can't just hold up two samples of DNA and say, "yep, these match".

Zombie Deathfish said...An actual Zombie Deathfish? My niche has been usurped by a headless pleisosaur. *sob*


acd said...How useful is the head of Nessie really going to be? It'll give you clues on how the creature sounded and what it ate, but you can get the latter from the stomach contents. I have a feeling that even half a carcass would be enough to, say, match it to an Ichthyosaur, and probably the number of vertebrae and size/orientation of fin bones would suffice to solve the mystery of what it is. The best reason to find the head is that soon it's going to start to stink.

Do you have cryptid- or dinosaur-related credits?


December Quinn said...Totally agree, it sounds off-beat and fun, but needs a title to reflect that. I vote for "Who Killed the Loch Ness Monster?" or "Where is the Head of the Loch Ness Monster?"

If I were an agent/editor, I'd probably be really tempted to reuqest more based on the title alone.


Daphne Major said...Fun...quirky...I can see a national examiner type cover...Big flashy headline of a title...Headless Monster Washes Ashore...

(can you add anything about a vampire cat? or an apparition of the virgin mary?)


Alison S said...And "veterinarian" is a US term. If Gwynneth is a British (or Welsh-Scottish, judging from her name) vet, then she'll be a vet or a veterinary surgeon (like me..)


McKoala said...Also in the interests of authenticity I've never heard Loch Ness described as the Loch at Inverness, mainly because it isn't at Inverness. 'the missus' is a very English term, but maybe he is an English detective.


Anonymous knows she needs a title said...Thank you, all. "quirky," "fun," "off-beat," -- you got it.

Thank you for the specifications, as well. Like the chimps in Will Self's Great Apes, or the werewolf in American Werewolf in London or some of the phenomena in some of the stand-alone episodes of X-Files, Nessie is there as a trope. She is neither a fang-toothed killer, nor does the story care to examine theories of pelagic morphology (folderol!). It's really a story about what makes mysteries so necessary.

mckoala: yes, and kinda

A local place conversation might sound like,

"on the loch."
"Where?"
"At Drumnadrochit"
or
"At the inver."

The open Loch proper does not touch Inverness, no. That is where the Great Glen police office is, and it is at a point just south-west of the Ness Castle Hotel on the River (Ness) where she actually turns up, indicating she had somehow moved against the current for several miles.

Twitter Etiquette

So I was all ready to present Cynthia Loveland with a huge prize package (Bermuda vacation, Lexus, and $5000 gift certificate from Givenchy) for being my 300th Twitter follower, when, before I could even finish convincing Lexus to provide the car in return for product placement in the next Evil Editor film, I discovered that I had only 298 followers. WTF?

Apparently two people had unfollowed me! There was a time a few months ago when unfollowing me would not have caused even a tiny blip on my radar. After all, I've unfollowed almost everyone I ever followed because everyone eventually fails to entertain me.

But then last May tennis player Sloane Stephens said, when discussing Serena Williams in an interview: "She went from saying all these nice things about me to unfollowing me on Twitter! People think she’s so friendly and she’s so this and she’s so that — no, that’s not reality! You don’t unfollow someone on Twitter!"

And more recently, came this news report: Dwight Howard of the Los Angeles Lakers signed with the Houston Rockets on Friday. [Laker star] Kobe Bryant unfollowed Howard on Twitter shortly thereafter.

What gives? Twitter didn't even exist eight years ago. This blog has been around longer than Twitter! And yet the Twitter "unfollow" has become the ultimate means by which to dis someone? ("Dis" means disrespect. The word "dis" has been around almost 5 times as long as Twitter.)

In the 19th century, men were men. If someone disrespected you, you challenged him to a duel. You ended his life. Now you unfollow him on Twitter. Yeah, that'll show him. I can imagine Kobe Bryant lying in bed in his mansion at night, thinking, That bastard Dwight Howard. I gotta think of some way to put him in his place. I know! I'll unfollow him on Twitter. Mwah ha ha!


"Who you lookin' at?"

"You. Whatchoo gonna do about it, tough guy?"

"I'm gonna unfollow you on Twitter."


I have to start following more people just so I can unfollow them when they annoy me.

Anyway, I'm back to 300 followers, but apparently that's only temporary, until I piss one of them off. Cynthia Loveland, for instance.

Face-Lift 1139

Guess the Plot

WildFire

1. A WonDerFul InNoVaTion In The LitErArY ExPeRiEnce In Which EveRy SylLaBle Is CapITalIzed. Thus, ObViAtIng The Age Old QuanDaRy Of When And What To CapITalIze.

2. Zina Casperelli may be a genius, but Newtonian physics isn't enough to save her grandma and take down an ancient evil. So Zina looks into new theories that give her fiery superpowers. But is it too late?

3. She came down from Yellow Mountain, riding her pony Wildfire through the cold Nebraska nights, whirlwinds by her side. But that was 30 years ago, and now she's stuck in a dive bar in Sioux County, listening to her failure of a husband sing that damned song again. Why did she ever think he'd be better than Wildfire?

4. When Quinn Masters, firefighter extraordinaire and chef with a flair for flambe, discovers a charred body in her garage, she totally throws up. But as the bodies begin to mount, Quinn secretly investigates the murders. The more she discovers, the more worried she becomes. Could she be the the serial killer?

5. Mr. Nelson steps out on his cabin's front porch and chokes on ash. The fires raging around his Mt. Charleston community have driven everyone out, and Mr. Nelson is the only one left. Can he get himself and his cat Mr. Peoples out before the fires consume them?

6. Wildfire busted down her stall and was lost in a blizzard on a cold Nebraska night. How she came down from Yellow Mountain in one of the flattest states in America nobody knows. By the dark of the moon crops were planted, and for six nights a hoot-owl drove her lover crazy howling outside his window while he waited for her return. Thank God, a killing frost and a whirlwind killed the damn bird. They’re gonna leave sodbusting behind and get the hard times behind them. But first they need to understand their unnatural relationship between one man and his horse.



Original Version

Dear EE,

Zina Casperelli is a certified genius, but she’s kind of dumb when it comes to cute, luminescent amnesiacs and secret kingdoms of superbeings. Seeking knowledge, truth, and a happy ending for her memory-impaired friend, Julian, Zina’s trust in Newtonian physics is rattled by the secret science developed by her comatose Granma Rosy. When Julian's accused of murdering his parents, her sense of wonder crumbles with the pieces of his story. [Not clear what that means. Could mean crumbles as the pieces of his story crumble or crumbles as she learns the pieces of his story.] Even memories can be illusions, so Zina falls back on her old school science and some light grave-robbery to unearth the truth. [Is light grave-robbery when you rob only shallow graves? Or is it when you rob fewer graves than most people do?] [The first sentence is designed to pique our curiosity with luminescent amnesiacs and superbeings. But I expect what follows to clear things up, and instead it keeps inspiring new questions with a secret science developed by a comatose woman, a murder accusation, grave robbing... The more you pile on, the more likely I am to give up. I'm looking for a story, and if you just give me pieces of a story my sense of wonder crumbles.]

As she learns new theories and discovers the facts behind her Grandma's affliction, Zina finally has hope that she can bring her back. But first she has to uncover the identities of a trio of masked assassins, face a fiery boogieman in the Seattle Underground, and contend with an ancient evil and his creepy crushing.  

[Not sure what creepy crushing is, but it sounds more comedic than evil. Maybe it's the alliteration. Reminds of of Crispy Critters cereal. Note that even though there's a lion on the box, the alliterative title makes you smile instead of fear for your life. Look at it this way, which sounds more evil: Rocky Raccoon or Darth Vader? Tony the Tiger or Adolf Hitler? Chimichanga or Taco Bell 7-Layer Burrito Supremo?]

Zina can save her Granma Rosy and heal her broken family, [Is "her" Granma or Zina? The only family that's been described as broken is Julian's.] or she can save her friend Julian and heal the secret kingdom. But even in a world where anything seems possible, Zina can’t do both. [Why not? Proving the masked assassins murdered Julian's parents seems totally unrelated to bringing Rosy out of a coma.]

WildFire is a young adult, super-heroic fantasy adventure, complete in 87,000 words.


[The title comes from the fiery super-powers Zina gets.]


Notes

Is Zina like the Human Torch? Fiery superpowers don't strike me as useful in proving Julian didn't murder his parents or curing amnesia or bringing Granma out of a coma.

In what way is Zina's friend Julian "luminescent"? Did he become luminescent when he lost his memory?

The story seems to be Zina's friend Julian loses his memory and her grandma loses consciousness. Zina can't help either of them ... until X happens, giving her fiery superpowers! Now she has hope, but assassins and a boogieman and an ancient evil don't want her to succeed because it'll interfere with their plan to Y. To make matters worse, Zina can use her power only once.

Once you get the plot written out clearly, you can embellish it with intriguing details and voice.

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1137 has posted a revision in the comments there, and awaits your input.

Feedback Request

Dear EE,

The following is a new version of Face Lift 961. Please disregard everything that was presented before, as the storyline has undergone significant change.


Dear Agent,

When fourteen-year-old Miri is transported from the Academy, a state-of-the-art learning institution, to the archaic isle of Eire via the Halo, a megalithic circle of stones capable of time-travel, all she wants to do is get home. [You'd think there'd be a big electrified fence around the Halo.]

But Simon, her guardian in this backwards, medieval world won’t let her make a move without his approval. He hovers over her like an overprotective parent [You just said that.] and compels her to stick to the “traditional” roles of women-folk. He forbids her to do any writing, including working on the math formulae that might explain how she arrived here in the first place. Most frustrating of all, he refuses to take her to the stone circle in which he found her. Every misstep, even something as simple as taking a walk in the woods, incurs his considerable Irish wrath. [This paragraph needn't be so long; it's a list of stuff Simon won't let Miri do.]

Miri encounters Connor, [Did Simon approve this encounter?] a member of an elusive race of forest people, who tells her he is looking for the Lia Fail, a stone that enables a person to travel between Otherworlds. The faeries entrusted the talisman to his family, but it’s been stolen and only the Keeper can find it - and be believes her to be the Keeper. [What does the Keeper keep?]

The missing stone could be the key to getting her home, but Connor isn’t the only one looking for it. A coven of druids seeks to possess the stone. If they succeed, they will control the Circle of Tara, the doorway to all Otherworlds. [Is this different from the Halo?] Worse, they will make it possible for a ruthless warlord and his army to re-enter this world and take revenge on those responsible for his banishment. His release not only threatens Eire, but the Academy as well.

To stop them, Miri will have to find the Lia Fail. To search for it, she’ll need Simon’s help navigating the wilds of Eire, [Why can't Connor help Miri navigate the wilds of Eire?] which means she must convince him that her value is that she is unconventional. ["Yes, I know I look like other women-folk, but trust me: I'm unconventional."] To find the stone, she must unravel the Keeper’s riddle of the four elements: bone, blood, breath, and blaze. To use the stone, she must get to the Circle of Tara before she or any of her new friends become the human sacrifice at the druid’s [druids'] Samhain ceremony. [To get to the Circle of Tara she must find the Lia Fail. Our vicious cycle has come full circle.]

Phantoms in Stone is a YA Fantasy of 85,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. 


Notes

Why can't she use the stone if one of her new friends becomes the Samhain sacrifice?

Who are these new friends?

So the druids don't mind if a ruthless warlord and his army enter the world?

Halo, Circle of Tara, Otherworlds, Lia Fall: That's a lot of proper names to explain. If, for purposes of the query, Otherworlds becomes other worlds, and Miri just wants to get back to the Halo instead of the Circle of Tara, it would simplify things.

Feedback Request

Below is a new version of the query featured in Face-Lift 1118. There's already a revision in the comments there (plus the queues are empty), so I've posted this revision here, along with a synopsis, which is below the query.


Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

Sir Byron Wedderburn wakes in an alley in Los Angeles in the year 2012. He remembers being bitten and changed into a vampire, and getting thrown in the street at dawn. That was two hundred fifty years ago. He also remembers the woman he met at a party, Lenore, and that she made him happy.

After Byron's new friend Gustave, also a vampire, introduces him to a jet-set lifestyle, Byron finds out Gustave and Lenore were lovers. It ended with Gustave's broken heart. Byron reunites with Lenore, and she reveals Gustave's desire for power. He has a spell that will enable him to envelop the earth in blackness, and rule over all.

Gustave needs a male and female vampire to make the spell work, and Byron and Lenore are afraid he will use them out of revenge. They must stop him from entrapping them and descending into Xibalba, or they will live in a world of darkness forever.

SOVEREIGN OF NIGHT is a 72,000-word adult paranormal novel. The poetry of Lord Byron, Edgar Allan Poe, and Samuel Taylor Coleridge, as well as elements of gothic literature from Ann Radcliffe to Anne Rice greatly inspired me.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Synopsis below.

Yours very truly,


Synopsis


Sir Byron Wedderburn is an eighteenth century playboy who encounters Lenore, his ideal woman, at a party. She agrees to a rendezvous at midnight, but he cannot wait to see her, and searches for her. Before he can find her, he is lured outside by a strange man who changes him into a vampire. Lenore finds Byron passed out and takes him to bed.

Byron learns Lenore is immortal, and lies in bed for weeks after she leaves. He shouts into the night and unknowingly summons two vampires who want to toy with him. Byron is not strong enough to fight back. They take him to their London house, force him to drink toxic blood, and throw him in a street at dawn. Byron disappears due to being weakened by the blood.

Byron wakes in an alley in Los Angeles in the year 2012. He has no memory of the past two hundred fifty years. Gustave, another vampire, approaches Byron and takes him to his house. Although Byron is penniless, Gustave offers him a place to stay, and introduces him to a jet-set lifestyle. Byron cherishes his friendship.

Lenore sneaks into Gustave's house and warns Byron of a rare spell Gustave holds. It will give him the power to descend into Xibalba and unite with Pacal the Great. They will establish a new kingdom on Earth, and envelop the world in darkness. Two vampires must be locked in coffins for the spell to work, and Lenore is afraid Gustave will entrap her and Byron.

Byron stays with Lenore for a few months while Gustave travels. When Gustave gets back, he invites them over, but Lenore warns Byron to stay away. Byron doesn't believe Gustave has an evil spell, and makes Lenore accompany him to Gustave's house. As soon as they arrive, Gustave drugs them, and takes them to Mexico.

Byron and Lenore wake in Pacal's Tomb in Palenque. Lenore knocks Gustave out. Byron and Lenore run from the tomb, and Gustave catches up. Byron fights Gustave who has been possessed by an angry Pacal. Byron rips out Gustave's heart which renders him unconscious, and frees him of Pacal's spirit. Byron and Lenore take Gustave to a chamber in a crystal cave, burn the spell, and watch over him until the Mayan calendar ends. Gustave wakes free of Pacal, and Byron and Lenore start a new adventure together.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot
 
Crazy Lane

1. The zany adven- tures of five formerly desperate housewives who have found happiness through pharmaceuticals.

2. Lane Brian is a plus-size gal with an axe to grind. An overdose of Blue Bunny sends her on a killing spree, destroying every size 14 and below in her path. Can good humored detectives Ben & Jerry Dreyer stop her before it's too late?

3. With a three-legged dog by his side and top hat made of weasel noses, Grant Longtree walks the streets of Las Vegas singing (to the tune of the Beatles’ Penny Lane) Crazy Lane is in my ears and in my eyes . . .

4. After Jonathan gets engaged to Jill, he discovers she's a pathological liar. She's not about to finish law school, never even started. He actually knows nothing about her. Crazy, eh?

5. You've heard of the Right Lane, you've heard of the Left Lane. Introducing, the Crazy Lane, where you can drive any direction at any speed.

6. When Lebowsky takes his girlfriend bowling, they get put on lane 13--where the ball return never works, and the pins are welded to the floor.
 

Original Version

Dear Editor,

I am currently seeking representation for a work of literary fiction, Crazy Lane. Crazy Lane is a first-person narrative about a pathological liar [I find that hard to believe.] and the narrator's relationship to her that explores the boundaries between truth and lie and between forgiveness and redemption in an accessible voice and multicultural context. As such, the tone of the story is situated somewhere between the storytelling of Jhumpa Lahiri and Jonathan Lethem and the confessional style of Augusten Burroughs and Jennifer Belle. [These are the boundaries? The storytelling of Jhumpa and Jonathan are one boundary, sort of like the states bordering the Atlantic Ocean, and the confessional style of Augusten and Jennifer are the other boundary, like the states on the west coast? And the tone of your novel is somewhere in the hinterland?] [I had a bet with a fellow editor that I could work the word "hinterland" into my next critique.] [Wait a minute, are you actually counting on every editor to whom you send this query being familiar with the storytelling of Jhumpa and Jonathan, and the confessional style of Augusten and Jennifer? (Note that EE is on a first-name basis with all of them.) While I would never admit (if it were true) that I have only even heard of one of these people, it should be clear that some editors won't have the slightest idea what you're talking about, and won't care to acquire and read several books to find out.] [Besides which, an author is the worst person to judge his or her own tone. For instance, Evil Editor considers his tone to lie in the hinterland (Hah! Twice!) between Philip K. Dick and Guy de Maupassant.]

Jonathan, the narrator, has long known that his on-and-off girlfriend Jill [Light switches are on-and-off; girlfriends are on-again-off-again.] [Usually off-again.] is a complicated characer [character]. But it is only after the two become engaged the [that] he finds out that she has been lying about going to law school to friends and family for three years. [Now that he knows she won't be pulling that six-figure salary, something tells me the relationship is off-again.] [That makes two typos in the last two sentences; by the time a query reaches Evil Editor, it should be free of missing words, typos, and memos like: Note to self: look up definition of "synopsis" to make sure sending right thing.] Crazy Lane is the story of Jonathan's quest to find out who Jill really is and of what it means for him to become an adult in New York City. [I don't even know what that means.]
Crazy Lane has market potential on several levels:

- Mental illness, particularly bipolar disorder, plays a crucial role in the unfolding of the story, creating a very immediate appeal for readers affected by mental illness directly or through friends and relatives.

- As a New York story by a Dutch writer, Crazy Lane should appeal greatly to secondary markets like Holland. [And other Dutch countries.]

[If our target markets are the mentally ill and people in Holland, we're in trouble.]

This is the first time that I am seeking to publish a work of fiction [which I'm hoping you'll incorrectly interpret as an implication that I've published numerous works of nonfiction]. I have already revised the manuscript (93,400 words) several times, but I would be more than happy to continue working on it in order to make it work both as a work of fiction and as a marketable product. [In other words, both as a book and as an action figure.]

Please note that I intend to query other agencies, [Are you threatening me?] but I will gladly grant you an exclusive reading upon request. [That's better.]

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.


Notes

Presumably if you have any credentials or personal experience with mental illness, you would not have neglected to mention it.

We need more about what happens in the book. Everything else here is expendable.


Selected Comments

Patrice Michelle said...Yes, lots more room to give more information!

BuffySquirrel said...
I'm blanking on the connection between compulsive lying and bipolar disorder.


Anonymous said...thanks for your help dear evil editor! i obviously have some work to do.

about the personal background/ experience: i keep reading that mentioning this may be absolutely required for non-fiction, but redundant for fiction (because the work presumably stands on its own). so is it just a matter of an agent's personal preference/ mood/ time of day/ level of caffeination?

agents also tend to mention that they would like their hopefuls to know their market (in my case, um, holland). how do i demonstrate that otherwise?

re lying + bipolar: many people who suffer from BP also have symptoms of other personality disorders or associated problems, such as compulsive lying. and there is a lot of hinterland between standard definitions of mental illnesses. (now i guess i have to figure out a way to not have to explain that in the query.)


BuffySquirrel said...Bipolar is classed as a mood disorder, not a personality disorder, although, as you say, some of these classifications often appear more arbitrary than not. Seems more than usually evil however to give your character a mood disorder AND symptoms of a personality disorder like narcissism :D.


Anonymous said...you are absolutely right, BD is not a personality disorder (i swear i pay more attention to the wording when actually working on the ms), though from what i have read the rate of comorbidity of BD and personality disorders is relatively high.

as for the confluences of these mental health issues in one character ... let's just say that that particular character isn't entirely made up. but perhaps my evilness is manifested in the fact that i wrote a novel about her.


BuffySquirrel said...You've got me wondering now if making the compulsive liar the narrator instead would have been an interesting or simply an unsaleable choice. It would certainly take the "unreliable narrator" device to new extremes.

(Sorry, I'm wandering off down my own little street now...)

Good luck with the novel!

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Chicken Shed

1. Burned out after twenty years of white collar work, a yuppie quits his job and moves to a farm in Wales, where he finds peace and takes up a new hobby: torturing and slaughtering people in his . . . Chicken Shed.

2. Jenny and Mike decide to quit the corporate jungle and go completely off-grid in suburban California. Everything seems to be going along smoothly--until the baby chicks they bought to give them eggs turn out to all be roosters. Now no one in the neighborhood dares turn on the light to use the bathroom.

3. Three brothers end up behind enemy lines in France. Beautiful Marie LaFarge tells them the only way they can survive is to hide in her chicken shed until the war ends, but things go from strange to surreal as they slowly lose their minds and grow wings and feathers.

4. As WWIII grinds on and a syndicate of diabolical robots rule the world, five resistance members inhabit a maze of caves in Missouri, code-named Chicken Shed. They create an idyllic tribal culture complete with music, dance, moonshine, and one mad dream for which they will soon risk everything.

5. Uncle Frank's place is cool - wicked cool -- and 8-year-old Winston thinks the noises and lights he sees late at night coming from the chicken shed are the coolest thing of all . . . until one night, he sneaks out and discovers Uncle Frank's latest invention.

6. The chickens in the shed have always been violent and clever. Paula would have gotten rid of them long ago if she didn't need their eggs. But now her two-year-old son has wandered into the shed. Can Paula outwit these monstrous birds to save him?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

CHICKEN SHED is a completed 100,000 word novel about a nameless ex-hedge fund manager who, thanks to the credit-crunch, has found himself at a loose end after working brutally long hours for twenty years amassing tremendous quantities of money in the City of London. To pass the time in his now empty life, he changes his identity, [The advantage of being nameless is that you don't have to change your identity. What am I missing?] moves to a farm in [Llanfairpwllgwyn- gyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,] Wales and takes to kidnapping, torturing and finally slaughtering the men who, as teenagers at the school that he attended in the 1970s, tormented and humiliated him. [He does this to pass the time? Has he considered crossword puzzles?]

Realising that the police never look too hard when a middle aged man disappears – especially if money is occasionally withdrawn from his bank account and there’s a sighting or two of someone who looks a bit like him somewhere in the country –

[Cop: Seen this guy? He's been missing a week.
Man: I saw someone who looked a bit like him in Penbontrhydyfothau a few days ago.
Cop: Okay, guess we can stop looking.]

he is able to ply his gory new trade undisturbed against the backdrop of the beautiful Welsh countryside for several years. [Never underestimate the value of locating your murder shed in an alluring landscape when you're engaged in slaughtering people.] His victims are captured, and then dispatched, [Gotta admire the British talent for tactful understatement. A crass American author would have said massacred or butchered or mutilated.] with the style, single-minded dedication and lavish supply of surgical equipment only someone with his experience, wealth and mental health issues can muster.

His run of luck is finally disturbed when his latest victim turns out to be a drug dealer actively being investigated by the police. [They really should consider putting your case in the inactive investigations pile once you've been slaughtered.] Although the North Yorkshire force, from under whose nose the man is captured, fail to follow the clues, a sharp eyed and persistent Welsh detective named [Gwarthegydd] Jones picks up the case and [Spoiler alert.] eventually gets his man. In a final plot twist, Jones also uncovers a deeper motive to the gruesome crime he has just solved.

The darkest scenes, as well as the climax, take place in the Chicken Shed of the title - a battery [-operated] chicken farm shed converted from the mass production of low quality meat to bespoke tailoring of high quality pain and suffering. [Remove "and suffering" if you're going for two phrases with similar cadence. A less-unwieldy way would be: from fowl butchery to foul butchery."] [Also, you might change "bespoke" to "custom" if you send this query to the uncivilized world.] Written mostly in the first person present tense, the protagonist gives his thoughts on everything from the architecture of Frank Lloyd Wright ["A genius that Frank Lloyd Wrrright guy may have been, but I'd like to see him design a better chicken shed than my own."] to be [the] best way to prepare deep fried tarantula. ["Drop tarantula into deep fryer. Fry until it stops screaming. Mwynhewch eich bwyd!"]

[Other Useful Welsh Phrases:

I don't understand.................. Dw i ddim yn deall
Speak more slowly................. Siardwch yn arafach
Say that again....................... Dywedwch hynny unwaith eto
Write it down.......................... Wnewch chi ysgrifennu hynna
My hovercraft is full of eels.... Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn o lyswennod.]

Thank you for considering my query.

Yours faithfully,


Notes

This was an episode of Criminal Minds, except your serial killer isn't a quadriplegic.

Better title: The Silence of the Hens

Well-written, and you can't go wrong with a creative serial killer. It's a little long. You can afford to lose the first sentence of paragraph 2, tacking the second onto paragraph one. And you can afford to lose "To pass the time in his now empty life," as he is doing this for revenge and for the unrevealed deeper motive, not just to kill time.


Selected Comments

vkw said...I loved this query and that is saying a lot because after Hannibal and the pig scene I didn't think there could ever be a better serial killer.
This line made me laugh:

"with the style, single-minded dedication and lavish supply of surgical equipment only someone with his experience, wealth and mental health issues can muster"

excellent.


 vkw said...Actually wasn't that Criminal Minds episode about the serial killer and his brother a take off of the Canadian serial killer that butchered his victims and fed it to the pigs.

Just another cold example that the truth is not only stranger than fiction but also more brutal.


Robin S. said...Ha! [Gotta admire the British talent for tactful understatement. A crass American author would have said massacred or butchered or mutilated.] This is a scream. Not to mention, on the money.
A Welsh guy I'm pretty close to always says "ah...it's part of life's rich tapestry" any time something crappy happens.

Anyway, author, this sounds good to me. I'd read it.

Also - I love the use of your word 'bespoke'. Never heard of it before Welsh Boy came into my life, but now I like it. Kind of like how I like the word 'fortnight' now...

The only thing I don't like is - why do you guys always sound smarter than we do? That's some lucky deal you've got going on.


Dave F. said...Where does a hedge fund manager get experience with surgical equipment? I know where to get lots of things and I'm resourceful enough to learn how to use them. That doesn't make me a serial killer.

There is some breaking point here that you are understating.

It's your plot and not mine but this also set of not just bells but klaxons sounded inside my head: slaughtering the men who, as teenagers at the school that he attended in the 1970s, tormented and humiliated him.
-- Are we to believe that the police will not find out that these missing men went to school together? Mister No-Name villain is good at hiding the bodies and covering the deaths. I know you say that in a very subtle way and perhaps "subtle" is too weak a word. Obscure might be a better choice.

And I'm going to guess that the bottom line is that more than just bully and torment him, they sexually abused him. I'd use more explicit (rude, nasty, ugly) terms in private.

I'm invoking Kevin Bacon. He's related to everything entertaining in only a few thoughts. This sounds like his movie "Sleepers" and the truly dark-tinged "Mystic River" with their sins of the past coming to roost, so to speak.


Anonymous said...Dave? You are having a problem with Sleepers meets Mystic River meets Hannibal meets real life Canadian serial killer?

Jeez you are a tough one. You are making Evil Editor look like Santa Clause.


Dave F. said...No, Sleepers, Mystic River and the first Hannibal (lambs) were good stories. It's just that the understatement of things like medical supplies and that final deep dark secret rang alarm bells. What was said was said indirectly.

I will say that a good friend and coworker spent 20 minutes giving reasons why he thought Mystic River was too dark a story. And he's not a man with delicate sensibilities, far from it.

I didn't say this earlier but after a bit of thought I felt like this was a query aimed only at a Brit audience. I didn't say that because the author may have legit reasons for going to a British publisher. So while I knew it wasn't written for my American mind to read, I didn't comment.

I also had troubled thoughts about the subject. Not that I'm squeamish (hardly) BUT (let's face it) a major part of this story takes place with one person torturing another person in vile and nasty ways. It's a horror story. It might be the Poppy Z Brite volume of detective stories. I don't know because the query is so understated. Again, I'm not judging the novel, I'm just wondering if the query truly reflects the tone.

I'm not the only one who had trouble with a hedge-fund manager learning new surgical skills, or a whole department of stupid police with one smart, determined detective. Revenge for childhood abuse is emotional and dramatic. The query plays all that emotion down and sounds so clinical and neat and orderly.

I might have a problem if I picked up a police procedural in the morning and couldn't sleep with the lights out that night.


Fred (the author) said...Thanks for all the comments people. Here's a few answers to some of the points raised:

I obviously need to work on the link between surgical instruments and hedge-funds in the query. It's clear in the book but too much of a non sequitur for the letter.

In terms of audience I guess you're going for pathological sadists? What's the demographic on those? - honestly, I have no idea! Also, this is probably not a book that's ever going to get published. I wrote it for my own entertainment and, whilst I'm quite pleased with parts of it, a lot of it just isn't that well done as a whole. The plot is complete and everything fits together cleanly, but large parts of the writing are, well, lumpy for want of a better description.

or a whole department of stupid police - ah well, now here's a funny thing. This is the only bit of the book I did any serious research for. I spent a lot of time talking it through with an ex-Metropolitan police detective who was the one that came up with the basic premise. Tens of thousands of middle aged men go missing every year in the UK and, so long as there's no signs of violence or anything else to make the police suspicious, the only real investigation they ever do is to pull bank records. If someone's still taking money out of ATMs then they will, occasionally, also look at nearby CCTV but, other than that, they assume that he's just had enough of his wife and family and done a runner. 99.99% of the time they're right of course. It's also worth knowing that UK Police forces are highly fragmented. If a number of people went missing in one small area, then they'd certainly notice but, if it was people from different areas of the country, then there's almost no chance a connection would get made again, so long as there was no evidence of violence or coercion.

A Welsh guy I'm pretty close to always says "ah...it's part of life's rich tapestry" any time something crappy happens. - twilight zone moment, the killer says that on page 2 of the book. It's a phrase I picked up from my (English, not Welsh) father.

Secondly, the final paragraph triggers my spider phobia badly enough that all I can say is YEEECCCCHH AAARRRGGGHHH EEEECCCCHH - excellent, and sorry.

And I'm going to guess that the bottom line is that more than just bully and torment him, they sexually abused him. - no, no sex, abusive or otherwise. I don't think I could bring myself to write it and it wouldn't fit with the whole feel of the book.

The query plays all that emotion down and sounds so clinical and neat and orderly - I tried to write the query in the same tone as the book which in turn tries to capture the buttoned-up style of many Brits in the world of finance. That's not to say there aren't very strong emotions involved, just that they're heavily repressed.

I might have a problem if I picked up a police procedural - it's definitely not one of those, I should make that clear in some way in the query letter.

A more general thing I found interesting in the comments is the whole English/American English thing. I had the good fortune to live in New York for three years earlier in my career - I work for a hedge fund by the way – and, even after that experience, I find it very difficult to spot what will and won't work for an American reader. Two nations divided by a common language indeed.


vkw said...Since most serial killers are psychopaths and believe or not never abused nor neglected . . . they are very hard to pick out of crowd until the bodies are found in their basement.

And pet peeve number two. . . why is it always the misunderstood lone detective that gets to solve the crime or the sexy, independent long-legged female detective that figures out who the serial killer is but in the end has to be rescued from said criminal?

When do we get to read about the team of top FBI agents that have great PR with the local sheriff's office who together find the serial killer before he kills 16 people?


Evil Editor said...I have no doubt that there are other such books, but because that's the usual plot on Criminal Minds, I would assume that the three Criminal Minds novels out so far might have that plot.


vkw said...Good Point EE - but why would I read a Criminal Minds book when I can watch it on the television? Besides I like the indepth character development and plot development in a book rather than what passes as such in a screen play.

Thank you for your insight author. I like that.

Here is the cool thing about your story - the most successful serial killers out there did exactly what you are writing about - even in America if a serial killer just preyed on people across county lines they got away with it for a long time. So I really like the way you put in the drug pusher as the catalyst. And, interesting enough, the serial killers that were caught were usually caught on accident or they were caught doing something wrong and then spilled their guts. Seems even psychopaths get a "I'm going to meet Jesus some day" moment best to redeem myself by confessing.

I would suggest don't abandon this story. Put it aside, let your mind drift to something else for awhile, read books you normally would not like and come back to it. Also research some serial killer websites and biographies on real serial killers.

I became absolutely fascinated with the subject of female vs. male serial killers. The primary difference was females did it for the money and almost always knew their victims; males killed just to kill.

Like I said - you can never have too many serial killer stories.

Okay now I just am sounding weird . . .

I'm not - really. Maybe a little - but not so much anyone would notice.


Steve said...To be fair, you don't need actual surgical training to hurt people with surgical instruments. They're just high-quality sharp pointy things, after all.


Aimee K. Maher said...I think a serial killer that bad a$$ enough that he doesn't alert enough attention for the FBI to notice, combined with a cop who is that bad a$$ he is able to track him down in two days before the help arrives, well, hey, you had me at scalpel.

Dave F. said...Fred, Your query is very British. It's the most British thing I've read in a few years. If that reflects the language of the book, keep it very British.


writtenwyrdd said...I couldn't really warm up to the hedge fund investor cum serial killer. I kept getting confused, wondering when the hedge fund angle would cross over into the killing somehow. See, it sounded way more important to the overall story than it apparently is.

Generally, serial killers aren't my cup of tea, but there seem to be a lot of interesting plot elements here. The trouble is that the query makes it sound like a scrambled mess, and the character seems rather lacking in the goal department.

I know your guy is a serial killer, but what does he WANT?


Anonymous said..."I know your guy is a serial killer, but what does he WANT?". Sure, you mean, but what does he COVET (Clarice)?


Aimee K. Maher said...I have to agree with writtenwyrdd, on a point. I'm tired of seeing average, middle aged, angry business guys profiled. It would be refreshing to see the average suicidal dentist, security guard, or female artist go BALLISTIC and start cranking out the bodies.


sylvia said...Tens of thousands of middle aged men go missing every year in the UK and, so long as there's no signs of violence or anything else to make the police suspicious, the only real investigation they ever do is to pull bank records. If someone's still taking money out of ATMs then they will, occasionally, also look at nearby CCTV but, other than that, they assume that he's just had enough of his wife and family and done a runner.

This is fascinating. I like the premise.

There's a couple of authors who speak about having / starting a story that they just aren't capable of writing yet. A couple of years (or even decades later) they returned to it and wrote/rewrote the piece. So my advice is, put this on the back burner, do more writing and get more experience, then come back to it and get it right.


Eric P. said...Inside a serial killer's mind-- fascinating. Finding that he's thinking about architecture and distasteful recipes-- maybe not so much. But then I gather that most writings from genuine psychopaths do tend toward the "lumpy."

chelsea said...I find myself getting hung up on the specifics of the "tormented and humiliated". What did the bullies do to the protagonist in school?

I guess I need to get a sense that they *get what's coming to them* but I'm not getting it so far. Lots of kids bully kids in school. That doesn't mean I'd enjoy seeing them murdered. So . . . what did they do?


Anonymous said...This feels rather close to the plot of that Mel Gibson movie, Chicken Run to me. Bullies go in, pies come out.