Evil Editor's Blog, page 130

Face-Lift 1138

Guess the Plot

The Stars Also

1. When one of the paparazzi causes the death of Keara Stanly, Hollywood's top rising actress, the movie industry’s actors have had enough. In retaliation they take up cameras, stalking the paparazzi day and night. But paparazzi have secrets of their own. Secrets they are willing to kill for.

2. Paris, 1678. Students of astronomer Le Brun find him dead, hunched over a manuscript, his skull smashed in and his beloved telescope gone. On the paper are some calculations, with the words "The stars also." Can student Jacques Girard discover who killed the old astronomer, before he, too, becomes a victim?

3. Shine. Shoot. Twinkle. Fall. This picture book is full of action words. Kids will enjoy the evocative images of stars in their element.

4. Hailey escapes from her slave-like existence, but right into the clutches of Josef, a smuggler. At first Hailey doesn't know if she can trust Josef, but then she remembers that she has the ability to detect lies by looking at people's faces, so they team up to do stuff.

5. Tally, fresh off his second divorce, decides to investigate his father's Irish home to gain perspective. He searches every pub in Dublin, but all he finds are opinions and conjectures. It might have an ending, but it might not. Literary fiction.

6. Harry has been laid off since 2008. He cooks, cleans, takes the kids to school, waters the plants, and works out, but no one seems to care. His CEO wife falls into bed every night. He still loves her, but how can he get her to notice him again?



Original Version

Dear (Agent),

THE STARS ALSO is about a woman named Hayley. All Hayley wants is to stay alive, but a Reader isn’t meant to live. Not really. A Reader is meant to be a tool of the government, tucked away and silent. A Reader is meant to serve, and an escaped Reader is a sin against the Word meant to be hunted down and killed.

By virtue of her birth, Hayley’s [I recommend deleting everything up to this point and replacing it with: Hayley is a Reader; her] sole function is to unmask those who defy the theocracy. Trained to read emotions, Hayley can catch a lie by studying a sinner’s face. [She sounds like my first wife. Needless to say, that marriage didn't last a week.] Her fate is set, pressed upon her like a thumbprint. But when an unexpected opportunity lands in her lap, an instinct for survival she wasn’t even aware she possessed kicks in, and Hayley finds herself free of her bonds. Unfortunately, she lands in the hands of a smuggler named Josef. [Possibly you could be more specific than "an unexpected opportunity lands in her lap."]

In order to evade capture and navigate a plague-ridden world, Hayley forges an uneasy alliance with her new captor. [If he's her captor, it's a little late to be thinking about how to evade capture.] But can Hayley trust her instincts when it comes to Josef, or has he found a way to use her abilities for his own, dark purposes? [She's a Reader. If a Reader can't trust her instincts, who can?] There is more than wounded pride and forsaken morality at stake. Hayley’s very life depends on doing something that, as a Reader, she’s been forbidden to do: make a choice. [What must she choose? Whether to go on the run alone or with Josef? If she sticks with Josef, what will they do together?]

THE STARS ALSO is a cross between [will appeal to fans of] Joss Whedon’s FIREFLY and Margaret Atwood’s THE HANDMAID’S TALE and will appeal to fans of both. It is the first book in a planned trilogy, but also stands on its own as a complete work. The first two chapters of THE STARS ALSO were published earlier this year on Jukepop Serials where they rose to #31 in under two months (#12 on the science fiction chart and #3 on the dystopian fiction chart). My work has also appeared in Touch: The Journal of Healing (January 2013) and the online journal Absinthe Revival (December 2012). In addition, I am an active member of Pennwriters. [The piece at Absinthe Revival was enjoyable, but too short to matter. The other credits aren't impressive. Use the space to elaborate on what happens in your book.]

Per your submission guidelines, I have attached a one-page synopsis and the first two chapters of THE STARS ALSO. I would be delighted to forward the entire manuscript at your request.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Warm regards,


Note: The title is from a passage in the bible. My book is full of biblical allusions. The passage reads "God made the two great lights, the greater light to govern the day, and the lesser light to govern the night; He made the stars also." In my book, there is one main governing body (the Ministry) and a department charged with keeping the peace (the Agency). They are the greater and lesser lights, respectively. The afterthought, the Readers treated as little more than slaves, are the stars. Please let me know if this is unclear. I have a toddler and by the end of the day I'm muddled. Thank you very much for your input. [It's clear where you got the title now that you've explained it. It needs to be explained in the book if you want it to be clear to many readers.]


Notes

There's not enough plot here. A woman escapes from the theocracy that has enslaved her and forms an uneasy alliance with a smuggler. That's about it.

Does Josef smuggle people out of the country or exotic pets into the country? If not the former, what does Hayley get out of the alliance? What does she think Josef gets out of the alliance, if not the use of her abilities? What do Josef and Hayley want to do? Bring down the oppressive government? Just stay alive? Are they being hunted?

Is this set on planet Earth? Is it worth mentioning in the query why the book is full of biblical allusions? Is that a selling point?

Face-Lift 1137

Guess the Plot

The Khan's Daughter

1. Feiyan is the main attraction in the city brothel, and she's loved by all the royal guards . . . literally. The buff guard in a leather mask is a prince in disguise, and he's ready to tame her.

2. Teen romance goes bad when Clarity learns she's expecting. Chaka goes ballistic, but helps her daughter make the tough decision. All seems to get better until SNL parodies Chaka's PSA for Plan B.

3. The khan's daughter discovers the king has been sacrificing children in order to protect against sorcerers. The only way to stop him is with a magic relic, But if she resorts to that, is she really any better than the sorcerers?

4. Princess Jamilah wants more from life than sitting around some seraglio, so she disguises herself as a boy and joins the army. Raez wants more from life than the army, so he disguises himself as a maid to get inside the palace. Since they apparently never meet up or even know about each other, this whole thing is a pointless waste of time.

5. On the drug-riddled streets of Atlanta, Genghis "Khan" Short is a one-man DEA, judge and executioner. The Korean mob is after him, but Genghis refuses to back down. That is, until they take his daughter.

6. Left on a deserted planet to die, Khan escapes to wreak havoc on the man who abandoned him. After reducing his archnemesis to a pool of blubbering angst, destroying the man's ship and killing his son, Khan settles down and gets married. Now, Captain Kirk's back and he will not be sated until he does . . . the Khan's daughter.



Original Version

Evil Editor,

Sangar, the daughter of the khan, discovers a mass grave in the shadow of the king’s prison. [There's a king and a khan?] [Idea for a movie: a giant ape named King Khan climbs the Empire State Building.] She confronts her uncle, the king, and his chilling response stuns her – it takes sacrifice to protect against the sorcerers. [I'd put that in quotation marks so it's obvious it's his chilling response.]

She gets [understands] sacrifice. For a century, her family has provided a guard against those who wield magic, every minute of every day. [No need to specify that it's every minute of every day. We infer it's not just a couple days a month.] They protect a relic that any sorcerer would kill to find, their sacred duty – preventing its use. [You don't need anything after "find." Except perhaps what the sorcerer would do with the relic.] For the king, sacrifice means stealing children from his enemy’s palace and discarding their bodies on a mound of bones. [If someone's been stealing children from your palace for a century, it's time to install a moat.] [Also, is it sacrifice if it's your enemy's children you're killing?

Shaman: If you want a bountiful harvest you must sacrifice your daughter to the volcano.

King: I got a better idea. We'll sacrifice your daughter to the volcano and get by on a mediocre harvest.]

Sangar tries to stop the murders, eventually turning to the powerful relic her family has sworn to protect. [No sorcerer has been able to get near it for a century, but this teenaged girl has easy access to it.] If she unleashes its magic, she could depose the king. Like the last sorcerer to wield it, she might pull down the very mountain peaks, [Very mountain peaks? Did you leave out a word?] but such betrayal would be against generations of her [very] family. [This makes it sound like pulling down the mountain peaks is a good thing. Get rid of the mountains. If she unleashes its magic she could depose the king . . . but not without betraying generations of her family.] And if she actually steals the khan’s relic, she’ll have to protect it from sorcerers who are hunting it. [So what? She'll be doing that anyway; it's her family's sacred duty.]

The KHAN’S DAUGHTER is a YA Fantasy complete at 50,000 words. I’m a member of SCBWI. I’ve enclosed the first ten pages per your agency’s website. Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

How can Sangar pull down the mountain peaks if a sorcerer already pulled them down? Are they back up?

Why don't they destroy the relic?

What can sorcerers do with the relic that they can't do without it? We need to know what will happen if a sorcerer gets it. Preferably something more horrible than mountain peaks temporarily dropping.

If the king believes sacrificing children protects against sorcerers, and he's sacrificing children, why does the relic need to be guarded from sorcerers?

If a sorcerer shows up to steal the relic and you're the family member guarding it, what do you do?

Does this relic have a name or does everyone just refer to it as the relic? I recommend calling it the Lug Wrench of Rohr.

When your enemy is having their children kidnapped, murdered and thrown on a pile of bones, you don't get to claim that you "get" sacrifice just because members of your family take turns guarding a relic.

Sangar sounds more like an evil sorcerer's name than the heroine's.

New Beginning 1007

“I called you last night,” I said, before Jay had the shower curtain fully open. “Right after my meeting. I needed to talk.” An unlit joint hung from my lips, baiting him.

“You’re getting high? The morning after a meeting?” He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist.

“It’s Alcoholics Anonymous, not Weed anonymous,” I said, trying to nudge him toward one of our familiar arguments. I placed the joint on the milk crate beside the bed and took off my denim jacket.

Jay moved into the bedroom. “It’s not just about alcohol. You need to accept that you have an addictive personality.” He pulled on a UC Berkeley tee shirt, then dropped the towel and quickly stepped into a pair of jockey shorts, followed by levis.

I needed to distract Jay, stop him from thinking with his head. A man thinking with his head would take his room key back, never answer another midnight phone call, refuse to give me rides to Merced at semester break. Jay always explained our home town connection to any of his college friends I happened to meet. I had no idea what he told his girlfriend. “But where were you last night?” I asked. “I needed you.”

"I had a date." he said. "Where were you?“

"I was alone in the lab until five this morning,” I answered.

“The chem lab? Thought you finished chemistry last semester.”

“The meth lab, idiot.”

“Christ," Jay said. "Only you could walk out of AA and go brew a batch of crystal meth.”

“It's not all for me," I told him. "I sell some of it to help pay off my gambling debts.”

“Dude, you’re gonna get yourself killed.”

“It’s only for two more years," I said. "Hey, you wanna come help tonight? The more I cook, the sooner I can quit."

"I would," Jay said, "but I've got my Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting tonight."


Opening: IMHO.....Continuation: Mister Furkles/EE

Chris Eldin

A few items by Chris Eldin, aka Church Lady, aka Takoda, who brought us laughs and found many friends here (other writings may be found by searching the blog for her names):


Chris Eldin said...Author, if you give EE just a tad more info, he can't help himself but to rewrite it for you. So don't work too hard. Just delete everything he made fun of and summarize your book in a paragraph. You don't even have to make it interesting, like EE said. That's what we pay him for, and we're not gonna let him slack off on your query.



Feeling desperate about just about anything right now feels like standing in line at a deli and seeing a slightly plump mutton-chopped man in line in front of you who's minding his own business and ordering a roasted veggie panini, and you having a sudden urge to grab him by the lapels and beg him to do you, I mean, do your query. Next, I mean. Yeah. Like having blog fever or something.

--Church Lady



Hush now. Be still. I have a story to tell.

Not long ago and not far from here, in a small town up in the hills, lived a farmer and wife who longed for a baby.

For many years they kept their longing close to their hope, but when their hope ran out they were left only with longing and the longing grew until it became pain. When the pain grew too great to bear, the farmer took his wife down to the coast in the quiet days after the harvest, and told her it was time to put the longing away.

He was a kind man who regretted the harvest, cutting his crops with whispered promises that he would save the seeds and next year they would grow taller and prouder than ever. When he told his wife that they must forget about the baby they would never have, he tried to do it with the kindness he showed his crops, with stories of foreign travel and an unencumbered life, but the tears in her eyes washed away his kindness and in the end he blurted out the truth: 'I don't want to try any more'.

No, you can't have any ice cream. Hush and listen.

The kind farmer removed a Cabbage Patch Kid from beneath his overalls and held it high. "This here's the only baby we need," he said. "Billy Bob'll make a fine boy. Now quit yer' ballin' and fetch me some grub, woman."

But as the kind farmer spat chewing tobacco on the ground, an evil grin surfaced on Cabbage Patch Billy Bob's face, and--

Sit still! You think hillbilly sci-fi is easy to do? Now be patient while I finish telling the story . . .

Opening: McKoala.....Continuation: The Church Lady



A First Kiss

A cloud hangs.
Her shoulders shiver, and
He moves closer.
She tilts her face and hides a smile.
He notices.
She feels a warmth upon her cheek.
He is whispering into her hair,
And watching the corners of her mouth.
She doesn’t hear,
But she notices.
Feed the fire, she says.
He does. His hopes take flight.
His breath quickens.
He gazes at the fire, wondering, planning.
Their shoulders touch.
A drop falls. Then two.
They watch the fire.
It dwindles.
His fingers find hers.
He squeezes her hand. We have to go, she says.
He knows.
The cloud darkens.
More drops fall.
He helps her up.
He brushes rain from her cheeks.
He caresses a line down her nose.
She tilts her face, and her smile fades.
He touches his lips to hers.
A cloud gushes.
She giggles and runs.
She races through watery bracken.
She has so much to tell her diary.

--takoda



Being 30 pounds overweight and dripping chocolate ice-cream on your yellow blouse then running into a hottie someone you haven't seen in 20 years and pretending you don't remember him and you also pretend to not speak English because it's the only way to save face and later get another chocolate ice-cream because by then it's just what you have to do is like my life.

--takoda



The hand looms large in front of her face. It seems angry, so she listens.

You have to take care of yourself. What are you doing during the day? It’s not healthy. Have you seen yourself? What I do is half portions. It works. Look at me.

The hand swoops around the body it’s attached to then assumes an accusatory pose. Look at yourself.

She looks at herself. There wasn’t much to miss. Two rolls here. Flabby thighs there. She didn’t have to look too hard to see an elephant sprawling all over the sofa. A big, fat, ugly elephant kicked out by the herd. An elephant this big can find no safe place.

At this rate you’ll be

I’ll be what?

The hand flattens and shows its palm. You’re in denial.

I’m not in denial. That’s a river in Egypt, right?

Not funny. I don’t wanna come home and see this.

She enters phase one of zone-out. She looks at the hand. Once in a while a finger will protrude from the hand, but for the most part, it acts in one unit. Slicing the air for emphasis.

She smiles. Some merlot would be nice. Maybe a chocolate bar.

What’s so funny? Is this some kind of game to you?

No game, she thinks. And enters phase two.

She barely notices the cold skinny hand. It is not one she wants to hold.

A bell chimes midnight. A new year. She walks past the hand and goes to bed.

--Church Lady

Sad News

Stephen Parrish and anon. sent links to news articles about the death of Chris Eldin:


http://www.daggerpress.com/2012/08/10/howard-co-woman-killed-after-stepping-into-i-95-traffic-near-aberdeen-in-apparent-suicide/

http://aberdeen.patch.com/groups/police-and-fire/p/i-95-pedestrian-death-ruled-suicide


Chris Eldin was a regular and enthusiastic visitor to this blog from 2007 to 2010, submitting queries, openings, continuations, writing exercises, and commenting on almost everything. Originally she called herself Church Lady, and after that Takoda, and later went as Chris Eldin. Four examples of her work were published in Novel Deviations, vol. 3. I'll try to put together a retrospective of her early blog contributions; more recently the synopsis of her book The Magic Gameboard was repeated here.

Her website.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Mystica

1. When Anastasia suddenly gains the magical power to summon fire, everyone in the city starts blaming her whenever something bad happens. Like people being burned alive.

2. Millions of people are entranced by the fairy simulation game "Mystica". But when 14-year-old Brad finds the game running, blood on the monitor, fairy wings on the floor and his parents missing, he realizes something is very, very wrong. Also, a jive-talking goblin.

3. Jane's daughter Sally spends all her time in her room reading epic fantasy and filling notebooks with scribbled fanfic novels. In 1967 this seemed infinitely better than having the girl run around getting high with every long-haired "Beatle" boy in the neighborhood, but now that Sally is in her 60's, Jane wonders if grounding her for life was a mistake.

4. As Reba drowsily toys with the antique bracelet Josh gave her just before he ran off with that bitch, Gwendolyn, and wishes she was in some really cool medieval nunnery instead of the sweltering burbs of Tucson, she dozes off. When she wakes up, she IS in a medieval nunnery -- and snow is blowing through the open window.

5. Mystica is Ellierose's dream: A store devoted to all things mystical and magical. When Avindar, a young faery prince, is hit by a car outside the shop, Ellierose takes care of him. But in doing so, she's angered Tratianna, queen of the Dark Fey. Can Ellierose and Avindar find true love, or will Tratianna destroy them all?

6. Mandy humors her son Timmy when he talks about imaginary playmates: the Knight, the King, the Princess, the Witch. But soon after Timmy starts talking about the Dragon, Mandy hears something in the basement and opens the door and is hit by a blast of flame.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

MYSTICA is a completed 90,000 word YA fantasy tale where the strong heroine in A GREAT AND TERRIBLE BEAUTY meets the suspense and conflict in CITY OF BONES. Why toss City of Bones into the mix when A Great and Terrible Beauty has plenty of suspense and conflict? Also, there are three (at least) well-known books titled City of Bones. What if I'm familiar only with the wrong ones?]

Anastasia never believed in ghosts, though they have always haunted her glamorous city. But then she encounters Duncan Fae – a charming druid ordered to suicide for treason years ago. [When you consider how much money has been wasted on junk like electric chairs and guillotines, it's a wonder the idea of sentencing criminals to commit suicide isn't more widespread. "Here's a prescription for sleeping pills. Take the whole bottle and you better not call me in the morning."] When Duncan declares himself her birth father, a deep anger resurfaces from within Anastasia’s memory, enabling her to unlock a power that is more of a curse than a blessing. [What is she angry about?]

Commoners and nobles alike fear her unique ability to summon flames – as well as her inability to tame them – especially when nobles are murdered and orphans vanish without a trace. [Wouldn't there be a trace if she did it, like ashes or charred teeth and bones?] [Wait, I have a suggestion for a better title: City of Bones.] Unsure of whom to trust, yet desperate to save her city, [From what? A few murders and missing orphans doesn't mean the whole city is doomed.] Anastasia must venture into a labyrinth of class war and forbidden love, a world of haunted vaults, abandoned ruins, and extravagant palaces. [Why does she have to venture into these places?] Duncan Fae is willing to do anything for revenge, and murder is just the beginning of his plans. [If murder is just the beginning of your plans for me, I don't care what you're planning after that.]

My magical realism story captured 1st place in the 2009 Joshua Weinzweig National Postcard Fiction Contest, [Is that a contest for fiction about a postcard, or fiction written on a postcard?] [I'm considering changing my guidelines to make it mandatory to submit query letters on a postcard. Decisions on requesting manuscripts will be based entirely on whether I like the picture on the front. For instance, these would be instant rejections:
 
 while these might get you a request for a partial:






 [You've heard of NaNoWriMo? I'm starting NaNoPoMo: National Novel on a Postcard Month. Of course it'll be February. If you need 31 days to fill a postcard, you're just not trying.] while my speculative prose poem [Prose poem? Is that an oxymoron?] placed 3rd in the 2009 OddCon Speculative Fiction contest. For more information, please visit my writing blog: __________________________

Thank you for considering my query.

Sincerely,


Notes

It sounds like it could be a good story, but you aren't telling us enough about . . . the story. Who's being murdered? Random people? People who wronged Duncan?

Are the people chasing Anastasia with torches and pitchforks? Is she in danger, or just investigating? Has her fire summoning caused any disasters? What is her plan to prevent more killing? What's this about forbidden love? In short, What happens in your book? All we know is after Anastasia meets a ghost who claims he's her father, she develops the ability to summon flames, and is suspected when orphans disappear. Does she have a motive for doing what she's suspected of?

Replace your credits, which aren't impressive, with more about your story.


Selected Comments

Dominique said...Things were going along very well until she got angry -- sort of without explanation. The next paragraph after that seems to be telling things without giving all of the motivations, which are necessary for me to understand how any of these things are important or interesting.

I like the story. I'd definitely read it.


Matthew said...It sounds like it could be good, but it looks like you tried shortening the query by replacing specific events with vague descriptions.

Just make a slightly longer letter.


Anonymous said...Does paragraph 1 mean you used someone else's characters, combined with someone else's "world"????


Evil Editor said...That's what it says, but I'm pretty sure that's not what it means. What it means is, rather than show you my heroine is strong and my story is suspenseful, I'll just name some successful books you may have read.


Anonymous said...The reference to other books indicates you're recycling used characters etc. That does not distinguish your project from slush. Trunks worldwide are bursting with novels like that. It would be better to create the impression you wrote something "fresh and new".


batgirl said...So EE's a fan of Libba Bray? But not of Cassandra Clare.

It's not a bad idea to link your book with others, to suggest that you know the market, but some agents find the X meets Y formula to be less helpful than you might think. Maybe phrase it as something like 'should appeal to readers of Libba Bray and Cassie Clare'.


Evil Editor said...It never occurs to me to conclude that a writer knows a market just because they can name a book. For instance, I never heard of Libba Bray, yet I managed to convince you I was a fan just by Googling the titles this author mentions.


batgirl said...True, EE, but your hypnotic powers can convince me of pretty much anything, so I'm not sure you're a fair benchmark. Anyway, yes, I'd suggest fewer specifics in the credits and more specifics in the plot. Maybe consider calling the druid just Duncan in the query, to avoid confusion whether he's human or Fae?

I liked every single Guess-the-plot, by the way - the minions were in fine form for this one.


 _*Rachel*_ said...More plot. Of course, all plots are easier to follow without the humorous blue text.


Evil Editor said...Yes, but who would come here if not for the blue text? Not I.


Phoenix said...Sorry, but I'm really not sure what's going on in this story and there's not enough voice in the query to keep my interest.
Do please put up a revision!

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Love Possessed

1. Ventriloquist Kenneth Darby's wife needs an exorcism, but there are no priests at their Antarctic base camp. Can a demon be tricked into thinking a penguin is a midget in a cassock?

2. An insipid teen whose best friend is a hamster overcomes seemingly insurmountable odds to save the wee beast after devastating earthquakes, fires, and floods flatten Los Angeles. Plus, a barbeque.

3. Doug's in love with three different women, but little does he know that each of them was possessed by the same ghost at the time he fell for them. Now the ghost has taken possession of yet another woman in hopes of marrying Doug--but Doug won't be marrying anyone unless he can beat a murder rap.

4. Annabel Holland has been playing the dating game for too long, and charming lawyer Alex Miller seems to be her ticket out. As their courtship progresses, though, he begins to display some disturbing quirks: an aversion to holy water, a tendency to vomit on all her best clothes, and an ability to stare up at her while she gives him a backrub. Will she make him choose between her and the Dark Lord, or will she decide that at her age she can't afford to be picky?

5. When a Dutch band called The Love makes a pact with a minor demon, they rocket to superstardom. But when they go on tour, the demon and his pals possess the band members and terrorize their calm, elderly audiences with acid rock from Hell. Also, a bellhop with a speech impediment.

6. Demon hunter Dylan Ghostlight has killed dozens of demons – but never a Succubus –until he heads to a small Kansas town where the townsfolk are having orgies non-stop until they die of exhaustion, and finds himself fighting demons in a way he never has before.


Original Version

Dear Admired Agent/Esteemed Editor:

I was delighted to read on your blog that paranormal romance continues to be a hot genre. [I wrote that Thursday. Today's Friday.] THE LOVE POSSESSED, complete at 85,000 words, is a spicy contemporary paranormal romance -- without a vampire in sight. [Because it's set in the House of Mirrors.]

After her soul mate is killed while serving overseas, Callie wonders if she will ever fall in love again. When she dies shortly afterward in a car crash, it appears she'll never find out. [Usually in a romance you don't want your hero and your heroine to be dead by chapter 2, but this may work out.]

But dead, she's getting another chance at love [thanks to a necrophiliac mortician]. Possessing the living is easy -- if you can catch them when they're vulnerable, like during an alcohol blackout. Not particularly ethical, even if it is just temporary. [Other unethical actions by the dead:

Possessing someone because you desperately need a cigarette. 

Possessing someone to see if those Jimmy Choos can possibly be comfortable.

Possessing someone in order to murder everyone who ever annoyed you.]

Still, it's the only choice she has if she wants to feel again. And, while sex in a different body with a different man every night proves fun, [sex with a different woman every night proves even better.] it isn't totally satisfying. Because when material things no longer matter, love really is all there is. [Well, love and revenge.]

An overachiever who's burned himself out at work, 40-year-old Doug starts frequenting the corner bar, ready to find something more meaningful in life. [Because when you're looking for meaning in life, what better place than a bar?] What he finds are three women he clicks with, who are not only amazing in bed but who have him seriously thinking [bigamy.] marriage.

Except one of the women turns up dead after spending the night, and he's the last person seen with her. Now it's up to Callie to find a way to make Doug believe in ghosts so she can help clear him as a murder suspect. Make him realize the "it" factor in those three women is all her. And figure out how to make their unconventional relationship work.

That's when fate throws a suicidal woman Callie's way. [The woman jumped off a building just as Callie, in possession of the body of the driver of an open-bed truckload of pillows drove past.] Depression makes the woman's possession easy. And her body's a comfortable fit -- for both Callie and Doug. But is it wrong to use someone else's body to fulfill your own passion, even if that someone is willing? [I can handle the passion fulfillment all by myself. What I need is someone to take over my body when I'm reading slush.] Or can Callie, after all, wind up with a happily ever afterlife? [Admit it: you came up with that line before you even started writing the book.]

THE LOVE POSSESSED is my first paranormal romance, although several of my fantasy/science fiction short stories have been published in various royalty-producing paperback anthologies and professional magazines (list at [website]). Chapter One is available to read at [website]. [If you want me to read your chapter, put it below. If you want me to go to your website, tell me there's porn there.] I'm of course happy to send more pages at your request.

Kind regards,


Notes

Was Callie still in possession of the dead woman when she was killed? If not, how does she know Doug's not the killer? If so, can she possess the real killer and turn "herself" in to the cops?

How does she know the suicidal person is willing? Can she communicate with the person she possesses? If you can communicate with the person you possess, one way to convince Doug that ghosts exist is to possess him and tell him.

If it's so easy to possess the living, why doesn't Callie's soulmate possess someone (Doug, for instance) so they can be together? Or did I just spoil the ending?

In a world where it's easy to possess the living, you'd think there'd be millions of ghosts possessing people. Screw ethics; Callie can't be the only unethical ghost.

Of course none of these questions matters if this is a light comedy, but with a dead soldier, fatal car crash and murder, it may be dead serious, in which case you want to be sure there are logical answers to questions about the world you've created (in the book--in the query it may be better to leave out stuff that leads to questions, rather than try to answer them).

I found the switch to Doug a bit jarring. Possibly you could transition into that paragraph by saying, When Callie meets Doug in the corner bar, she likes him so much she goes back every night as a different woman so . . .


Selected Comments

writtenwyrdd said...This is a bit awkward because you talk about her, then talk about him with no apparent link to our dead girl. Then, after the murder suspicion arises, you mention the ghost has something to do with his interest in the women. However, YOU NEVER SAY IT OUTRIGHT.

This is a bit vague. Still, it might work. However, you must not be familiar with the New Age idea of "walk ins." Look that up and maybe rethink the ghost-in-possession idea to be her becoming a walk in?


Rei said...I love the first para. I agree with EE on the rest.


RT said...It's definitely a different twist on paranormal. I'm not sure I'd call it a romance though. Since hot sex is the theme, seems like it would fit better in erotica. (Or does it just seem like that to me because Callie's main goal in the query seems to be as much sex as possible?)


Anonymous said...Why does Callie want to marry a man who would pick up and sleep with a different woman every night (whether or not they were all her)?

Beth said...I had the same question. And sorry--I guess I'm old-fashioned--but the idea of a ghost taking over someone else's life to satisfy her own selfish desires is just not very appealing.


blogless_troll said...Maybe I'm from the wrong part of the globe to get it, but a bellhop with a speech impediment wears thin after the third or fourth time.

Author, I think you need to mention that Callie couldn't find her soul mate--or at least she tried to look for him in the afterlife--before she goes whoring. Maybe it's in the story, but without something to that effect in the query it sounds like another logic problem.


Evil Editor said...Actually, the search function reveals there've been no bellhops with speech impediments on this blog previously.


blogless_troll said...Alright, it's in the comments somewhere. Maybe it was an Asian deli worker with a speech impediment. It just seems that every time one of the anonymi whine about their GTP not being used it involves some dude with a speech impediment. Forget I mentioned it.

Evil Editor said...Interestingly, the search function reveals there've been 37 Asian deli workers with speech impediments on this blog previously.


Anonymous said...When I use the search function, it tells me nothing has ever been posted at this blog. Weird.

Anonymous said...Blogless, what happened? You used to be so much fun!

blogless_troll said...I've recently developed a speech impediment.


BuffySquirrel said...So now it's "whoring" to have sex three times with the same guy? Wow, mores are getting tough.


Bernita said...Maybe the poster was referring to the line "while sex in a different body with a different man every night proves fun," Buffy. What would you call it, gymnastics?


BuffySquirrel said...One thing however doesn't change. Women who have sex are called whores. Men who have sex are just...men.


Dave said...I'll only say one thing: The author is battling "By Love Possessed" for the title. It's both a book and a movie. something about love conquers all, I think.


pulp said...I figured that's why the author calls her book The Love Possessed instead of By Love Possessed. I was thinking that if it were a romantic comedy, Happily Ever Afterlife would be a terrific title.


phoenix said...OMG, Pulp. It's funny how the smallest thing can sometimes make you sit back and go 'wow.' You are right on the mark. Uncanny. I thought, what do I call this, and first thing that popped in my head was 'By Love Possessed.' So, like Dave, I google and, darn, already taken in the early 1960s. Can't copyright a title, but neither book nor movie was apparently well received, so better to distance myself at least a little from them. Hence, 'The Love Possessed.' Not in love with the working title, but it's an early work in progress. Not really so much a romantic comedy. But not overly dark. Certainly not enough blood and gore. And not overly fraught either. Man, this is definitely NOT my comfort zone.

RT: You're kind of right, too. The idea did start out as erotic romance, then I decided to back off the sex just a little and focus more on the romantic story and the underlying "morality" questions. Guess I didn't back far enough!

WW: I haven't heard about "walk-ins" so I'll need to explore that. Thanks for the heads-up.

Still working the kinks out of this one. I was just thrilled to have found a halfway unique hook for a contemporary story. However, I am MUCH more comfortable with swords and vambraces or nacelles and quasars than purses and Jimmy Choos.

Now, if I wanted to go a little darker, I might just have to "borrow" GTP #6!

Thanks, EE and minions all!

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1130 has posted a new version in the comments there, and awaits your input.

Face-Lift 1136

Guess the Plot

Demigod

1. Herc is back. And this time it's personal. Also, sirens.

2. Ashton Kuchar knew he had hit the jackpot when he married a god. Sure, she was used up and literally ravaged by Bruce Willis, but Ashton didn't care. Eventually, he'll get Moore than he bargained for.

3. When your father's a god and your mother's a statue, mockery from the other kids comes with the territory. But should you also have to endure man-eating predators, vengeful spirits and vicious spirit slaves. Should you?

4. Oh sure, the nearly unlimited power, endless chicks, devoted worshipers and palatial retreat come with the job. But why, wonders R'Cepier, does he have to have all these yokels on the Internet trying to disprove his existence?

5. Somewhere in Nebraska the new order is rising. Gilgamesh has been reincarnated as a girl. And she's ready to kick ass.

6. Rosamund knows the big head floating over her city telling everyone what to do is a hologram. The mayor's son Zand has been hiding his father's death, and having too much fun. Zand has asked Rosamund to marry him. She is sharpening her sword, and choosing her wedding dress.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When the half-human son of an ancient god is born from a headless statue, Cora, a young midwife and Candlemaid of the Temple of Elassa, must give up her simple village life to protect the newborn from the forces that seek to exploit his power.

Cora loved each child she helped bring into the world as if they were her own. [You can avoid using a plural pronoun for a singular noun by changing "each child" to "the children."] But fate had taken away the man she loved, along with her dream of motherhood. [No need to start that sentence with "But."] After the arrival of Rendryck, a mysterious sorcerer, a child is born bearing the markings of a Demigod. Upon learning the man’s sinister plans for the newborn, Cora has no choice but to leave her beloved village to save the child’s life.

Cora must face the dangers of the Feral Wood in order to reach the Sanctuary of Weal, [Isn't this the plot of The Legend of Zelda?] a safe haven south of the forest, all the while being pursued by Rendryck and his vicious spirit slave. She soon learns the Demigod is the son of a long dead malevolent god [If he's long-dead, how did he knock up the headless statue?], but believes she can raise him to use his power responsibly through the teachings of her goddess, Elassa the Benevolent. Throughout her tortuous journey, Cora [the Naive] is tormented by vengeful forest spirits, nightmarish man-eating [demigod-eating] predators and the many gods whose interests have been sparked by the child’s ancestry. But when the follower of an “evil” god saves Cora’s life, she comes to question her faith and the true motives of her own “benevolent” goddess. [Usually when someone saves your life you don't switch to that person's religion. Why is Cora really questioning her faith?] [Also, no need to start that sentence with "But."]

Demigod, a fantasy adventure in the vein of George R. R. Martin [Full name please: George Railroad Martin] and Tad Williams, is the first in a projected series and is complete at approximately 90,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Repetition:

Paragraph 1: must give up her simple village life to protect the newborn

Paragraph 2:  has no choice but to leave her beloved village to save the child’s life.

If the entire book consists of the journey to the Sanctuary, then we mainly need to clean up the organization. You want each sentence to follow logically from the previous sentence as you tell us a story.

Now, if the journey is just the setup for the main plot/conflict, we can shorten this to one paragraph, something like:

When a child is born bearing the markings of a demigod, Cora, a young midwife, pledges to protect him from Rendryck, the mysterious sorcerer who seeks to exploit the newborn's power. Cora must get the child through the Feral Wood, with its vengeful spirits and nightmarish predators, to the Sanctuary of Weal, with Rendryck and his vicious spirit slave in hot pursuit.

. . . which leaves plenty of room to tell us what happens at the Sanctuary and what Elassa the Benevolent did to suddenly become Elassa the "benevolent."

Face-Lift 1135

Guess the Plot

A Flutter in Time

1. When Angie discovers time travel and thus the ability to change history, one question remains: Should she murder Hitler as a baby or save her mother from the car wreck that killed her? Then she decides: She only has one mom, but there'll always be another megalomaniac ready to step in and kill 20 million people.

2. Boyd is convinced that miniature horses at the college Ag complex are involved in a complex plot to turn people into small equines so they can control time and take over the world. Can he prove they aren't simply innocent horses--or will the tiny stallion Flutter finish him off first?

3. Suzanne is thirty-nine, childless, and afraid to be on her own, but her boyfriend's fart jokes are getting stale. The last straw is when he fake farts in her face as she's trying to sleep. Will she accept his dozen roses, or move on?

4. Meteorologist Abe Jenson has traced the origins of Hurricane Katrina and the Japanese tsunami back to one butterfly that flapped its wings in Jamaica in 1873. Now he and physicist Edison Jones plan to time travel to 1873 and stop that butterfly. But will stopping the butterfly mean the end of humanity?

5. Tiffani is working through the night in the high energy lab. Suddenly everything goes haywire. When she wakes, it’s on a strange world where porcupines rule and humans are dumb beasts of burden. Will the porcupines respect her in the morning? For Tiffani, it’s a sticky situation.

6. Professor Landsberg's time travel experiment was supposed to send a dozen mice to prehistoric times and bring them back safely. But what came back was a flock of pterodactyls, and it's going to be a bad day on the Oxford campus.



Original Version

On a cloudy, rainy day seventeen years ago Angie Ramirez’s life changed forever in a hail of twisted metal and broken glass. For seventeen years she has placed her life into two categories, the before and after. The day she lost her mother and very nearly her own life is the dividing line. [It's not like she was the only one who lost a loved one the day it hailed twisted metal and broken glass. It was the worst day in meteorology since the mysterious rain of frogs in Weil der Stadt in 1620.] When Angie meets Mike her guardian angel, with brilliant Caribbean blue eyes, sun kissed golden skin and a witty sense of humor, [she's so busy swooning] she has no idea her life is about to change again.

When Angie discovers the ability to travel back in time through a series of photographs, she is forced to come to terms with the acceptance that what is happening is real and her sanity remains intact. When she realizes she has the power to change history only one question remains; what will she change? [That's three consecutive sentences all starting with the word "when."] [That gives me an idea for a writing exercise: Comment on this query letter giving every sentence of your comment the structure When x, y.] [That was also way too wordy. Try: When Angie discovers she can travel back in time, she realizes she has the power to change history. One question remains: what will she change?] The answer is obvious of course, [she must kill the producer who green-lighted the Twilight movies.] the death of her mother. [That's obvious?] Armed with the knowledge that she will risk her own life as well as her very existence she embarks on a life altering journey with her angel as her guardian and guide they travel together through time unraveling the pieces of the puzzle that were her mother’s life. [That sentence was two sentences. The first could end after "guide," but I suspect you wanted it to end after "journey," so you'll need to change "they travel together" to "she travels."] [Also, you put together the pieces of a puzzle. You unravel the sweater you've been knitting when you realize you skipped a yarn-over three hours ago.]

My book titled A FLUTTER IN TIME is a [73,000-word] work of [paranormal] women’s fiction with a dash of paranormal taking place [set] in Tucson, AZ at just over 73,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

I don't see why we need Mike. Does he do anything? Why does Angie need guarding? 

What are these photographs that show Angie how to time travel? Are they photos of her mother? Can she travel only to times in the photos? Can she time-travel unlimited times and change history each time?

Too much space is used to set up the situation. When Angie Ramirez discovers she can time-travel to the places in her family photo album, she decides to use this ability to prevent the car crash that killed her mother.

What happens in the past? Why is she unraveling stuff instead of preventing the wreck? Is Mike showing her the devastation her mother will cause if she lives? Does she meet her mother in the past? Give us some specific information.

Most importantly, you have to clean up the writing, or the reader will think the whole book is vague and wordy and full of run-on sentences. Is it?